Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Life was an oyster, though it held no pearls. Just disappointment.

Pearls were a treasure, like peace. Like the loving embrace of a mother or a sister's laugh when her brother does something stupid.

Treasures like that were too rare.

Treasures like that were taken away too easily.

Just like an identity.

He didn't know who he was anymore.

He didn't know who he wasn't.

He gripped the railing of the ship. The metal gave his hands a cold, gentle kiss.

He felt sick.

The night breeze ruffled his hair, as if the sky felt like it needed to comfort him.

It wasn't enough.

It was hard to explain how he felt. Like his heart had been torn out of his chest and stomped on before being sloppily sewn back in. Like he was bleeding out and slowly dying, but his soul was seeping out along with his blood.

The stab wound was the least of his worries.

His own feelings would kill him.

He might as well do that himself before they could get to it.

He leaned over the railing, the wound in his gut screaming painfully as it was pressed against the cold metal.

What was a pearl when you took away its very structure?

He decided that he knew what it was now.

A mess. An ugly, useless pile of mush.

That was what he was.

The others wouldn't miss him that much, would they?

He couldn't get the image of his mother's ghost dissolving out of his head.

She'd abandoned him. She'd left him fourteen years ago.

People lie. Promises are broken.

That's how he'd become the person he was.

But she came back for him.

He'd never felt more lost.

Not when he'd gotten lost while trying to find Camp Jupiter.

Not when he'd finally arrived only to be greeted by loud halls and disrespect from other cohorts who saw themselves as better than him.

Not during the battle at Mount Orthys, when he'd taken a weapon from the fallen praetor who came before him and battled Krios.

Not when he'd woken up on that bus next to Piper.

He'd lost the very basis of who he was.

The only thing he knew now?

Nothing.

The only person who'd been lying was himself.

He didn't want to lie anymore.

Not to Thalia. Not to his friends. Not to himself.

In that moment, he made a choice.

Death would be the only way to never lie again.

Just before he could do anything, someone spoke behind him.

"Jason?"

Chapter Text

Frank stared up at the ceiling. He'd been having pretty bad nightmares despite his dog method and was now trying to calm down.

He turned back into a human and sat up. The day's events had been too nerve-wracking. He didn't even know exactly what had happened. Piper and Annabeth had just explained it with lots of arm waving, panic, and attempted pantomiming of what happened. That was not very clear.

Frank decided his best bet would be to go above deck and get some fresh air. As long as that table didn't murder him, he'd be fine.

He stood, stretching his arms and wincing at the loud sound of his joints popping every time he moved.

He tried to be as quiet as possible, though his door and the floorboards creaked loudly. Frank prayed that Buford the table didn't hear him and start charging down the hall with his mini Coach Hedge hologram screaming.

When he reached above deck, thankfully, without a three-legged table charging him, the night breeze greeted him with a cool gust of wind.

It was calm.

Well, except for the fact that Jason was there and seemed to be having some sort of crisis.

The son of Jupiter was leaning over the railing, like he was about to fall. From where Frank was standing, he could see bags under Jason's eyes, like he hadn't slept at all.

That was worrying. He'd never seen Jason look so... out of it.

"Jason?" Frank called out.

Jason went rigid. He pushed himself away from the railing, wincing at the movement. He turned to face Frank. His eyes looked hollow.

"Hey, Frank." He sounded tired.

"What are you doing out here?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Jason laughed without humor.

Frank walked over to Jason. "I couldn't sleep. You?"

Jason's face clouded over. He looked a little uncomfortable. "I couldn't sleep either." He didn't sound very sure that that was the reason why he was up.

There were a few moments of silence, while Frank tried to think of something to say.

He couldn't really get a good read on Jason. He trusted and respected the guy, not to mention how Jason was the reason Frank had become praetor, but they weren't exactly great friends. Frank had a hard time seeing Jason as just another person rather than a legend. Sometimes, it was hard to believe he was supposed to be an equal to the son of Jupiter.

"So, um..." Frank felt awkward. He and Jason had never spoken much, except for a few conversations about being praetor.

"Hm?" Jason turned to face the railing again. He began to drum his fingers against it.

"What happened back there?"

Frank immediately regretted bringing it up. Jason's silence screamed numbers.

"I thought someone told you."

"Leo just said, 'Jason got stabbed, go get him,' and made me walk the plank. Piper and Annabeth didn't have the best explanation either."

"Shocking."

Another minute of silence, like Jason was hoping that Frank would leave if he didn't get an answer.

"You really wanna know?"

Frank nodded.

"Fine."

Jason swallowed. "There were a bunch of suitor--basically just two-hundred ghosts whining for a handout from Gaia--and then..." His voice caught.

Oh dear. This was gonna be a messy story.

"My- my mom's ghost was there. She wanted me to join Gaia and..." Jason took a shaky breath. "Gods, I'm a mess right now."

Frank knew a thing or two about losing a mother. What he knew nothing about was how to handle said mother wanting you to join an evil primordial goddess set to destroy the world. He'd also had no clue that Jason's mom was dead.

"Your mom's dead?" Frank instantly regretted saying that.

"... yeah. She died in a car crash a few years back."

"I know it doesn't sound genuine when someone says they're sorry about your mom..."

"I wouldn't know that." Jason sounded bitter.

"But I'm sorry about your mom."

"I take my earlier statement back. But thanks, I guess."

Another few minutes of silence.

"She was just a mania at that point," Jason said, his voice nearly silent. "But she still managed to destroy literally everything I thought was true about myself.

Frank had no clue what that meant. It sounded far from good.

"She left me, and I thought she would never come back, but she did, and now--" Jason suddenly choked back a sob. "I don't even know who I am anymore."

Tears started to roll down his cheeks.

To say that Frank was caught off guard would be an understatement. He'd never had someone talk to him so openly except for Hazel. Nor had her ever expected Jason to start crying.

Jason buried his face in his hands as he began to quietly sob.

Frank awkwardly patted the other boy's back. "Uh, it'll be okay?" He silently cursed himself for sounding so uncertain.

Jason shoved Frank's hand away.

After about a minute of sobbing, Jason seemed to deflate. He slumped over the railing, red-eyed and sniffling.

Frank felt like he was an intruder. The very idea of Jason Grace crying was alien to him.

There was a moment of deafening silence.

"Do you feel any better?" Frank asked, breaking the silence.

Jason seemed to realize Frank had just seen him crying and instantly stood up straight. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You were just--"

Jason interrupted him with a near-hysterical laugh. "Forget you ever saw that."

"Jason--"

"We are never speaking of this."

And with that, Jason speed-walked below deck.

Chapter Text

Jason dashed into his cabin, his eyes still filled with tears he hadn't yet shed.

There was no way he had just cried in front of Frank.

And yet he did.

Gods, he was such an idiot! How many times had Lupa scolded him for being too emotional? Too many to count.

What the hell was wrong with him?

"Do you feel any better?"

Jason didn't really deem feeling slightly more human as feeling better.

Jason glanced in the corner. His sword was there, slightly out of its sheath.

He caught a glimpse of his reflection in the metal.

He looked just like her.

No.

No, please, no.

Don't let me be like her.

The sword wound burned in his gut.

"No, no. Gods, please, no..." Jason found himself mumbling, his voice sounding panicked and hysterical.

He marched over to the sword and slipped it properly into the sheath before flopping face-down onto his bed.

The Fates were cruel beings. Or was it the gods? Was there any difference?

Was there any difference between Jason and his mother?

He heard the sound of a wooden table galloping down the hall with a mini Coach Hedge hologram yelling. No doubt, that would wake everyone up.

He rolled onto his side. His cabin was bare. The only thing he had for decoration was a picture of Thalia on the nightstand.

What would she think of this?

Jason laughed bitterly. Probably nothing good. She'd probably be angry. But at who? Their mom? Jason? Herself? All three?

He wished she were here.

Buford slammed against the door. "CUT THAT OUT!" the Hedge projection yelled.

Cut what out? Missing his sister? Spiraling? Both were kind of hard to stop.

Jason got up and opened the door just as Buford charged into it again. The table managed to knock him over.

"Ow, shit!"

"CUT THAT OUT!" Mini Hedge ordered.

"Cut what out?"

Rather than using his hologram's limited vocabulary to explain, Buford the majestic three-legged table galloped away.

Tables are very weird.

Chapter Text

After what happened that night, Frank was a little worried about Jason.

Scratch that. He was very worried.

He'd gotten the full story from Piper, which only reinforced his concern for Jason.

Frank hadn't told anyone about that night. He felt like Jason would be upset if he did.

Every time he saw Jason after that, it was like he was standing in a field full of birds. One wrong move, and they'd all get scared and fly away.

Frank wanted to talk to Jason about it, but every time he brought it up, Jason would give him a weird, almost panicked look and leave.

Eventually, Frank did manage to talk to Jason again.

It was a cool night. The Argo II had set down in the water, so the air smelled like the ocean.

Frank had went above deck just to see if Jason would be there again. Sure enough, he was.

He was just pacing around this time, looking a little anxious. That expression also wasn't something Frank would expect from Jason, but the week had been full of surprises.

"Hey," Frank called out, walking over to Jason.

Jason stopped pacing. He waved. "What's up?"

"Not much," Frank replied. "I mean, I guess. How about you?"

Jason smiled slightly, seeming a little amused. "I'm alive right now, so I can't really complain."

Frank thought of something else to say. "Uh, how's the wound?"

Jason's expression instantly soured. "Gee, how is the wound, Frank?" he asked, his tone bitter and sarcastic.

That was enough to make Frank feel awkward. "Uh, sorry--"

"How many times have I been asked that today?" Jason interrupted. "Five or six, give or take?"

Frank decided not to respond.

"I mean, it's not like anything else is more important than some dumb fucking body piercing."

"Did you just--"

"Yes, I did just curse. Because wouldn't you be annoyed if everyone kept asking you about a wound that generally means nothing?"

"It's literally killing you--"

"You think I don't know that?" Jason asked, sounding uncharacteristically angry. "If it kills me, it kills me. I'm fine with that!"

Frank decided against replying.

"I swear, if anyone asks me that again, I might just lose it."

Frank stepped away from Jason.

"'How's the wound? How's the wound?' I dunno, how do you think the wound is?!"

There was a long moment of silence after that.

Frank bit the inside of his cheek.

Jason seemed to calm down a little. "Uh- um... Sorry, I, uh... So... Uh..."

More silence.

"Oh, gods. Sorry... I... Um..." Jason started fidgeting with his hands. "The wound's fine," he mumbled, looking mortally embarrassed.

"That's good," Frank replied awkwardly, trying to ignore the fact that he'd just watched Jason go on an angry tangent.

There was another moment of deafening silence before Jason spoke again.

"I'm just gonna leave now," he said, already walking away.

Frank had a feeling that he wouldn't get to talk to Jason about the last time they spoke. He doubted Jason would want to talk about tonight either.

Talking to Jason was harder than Frank had expected.

Chapter Text

Jason swung his legs through the air, not really caring too much about the drop. If he fell from the roof and didn't fly back up in time, he'd hit the ground and shatter every bone in his body. He wasn't too worried about that, though. A small part of him was considering slipping off on purpose. He decided not to think too hard about what that said about his mental state.

He was sitting on the roof of New Rome University's bell tower. People weren't really supposed to be there, but it wasn't a rule that people couldn't be up there.

A bird fluttered up and perched on the roof next to Jason.

"Hey, Frank." Jason waved at the bird as it changed back into Frank Zhang.

Frank looked down at the street below. "I thought people weren't allowed up here."

Jason shrugged. "Ehh, it's not an actual rule. My old mentor told me that a while back." He tried not to think about the praetor who had mentored him. It was best to not think about depressing things on a nice day like this.

Frank was gripping the roof tiles rather tightly, probably because of how high the drop was.

Jason didn't mean to, but he snorted in amusement. "Frank, you don't need to hold on like that. You can turn into a bird or something if you fall."

Frank loosened his grip on the roof, looking a little embarrassed, as one would if they had been doing something to avoid a threat that didn't really apply to them. "It's a habit. I don't really like heights."

"My sister would agree."

The boys sat in silence for a few minutes. The early spring breeze felt cool and soft, like the gentle caress of a loved one holding you.

Jason eventually decided to break the silence. It was comfortable, but he wasn't sure if Frank felt the same way about it. "How's being praetor treating you?"

Frank fiddled with the praetor's laurels pinned to his shirt. "It's been fine. There's a lot of pressure that I didn't really think of, though." The son of Mars let out a little laugh. "I didn't think of a lot of things about being praetor, to be honest. I never thought I'd actually be made one."

Jason found himself loosening and tightening the red tie around his neck. He was wearing his school uniform, since he hadn't really had the motivation to take it off once school was over. He hadn't had much motivation to do anything since he'd enrolled for the spring semester. Searching for Leo while simultaneously doing school work and making temple designs for every god he could think of was more exhausting than he'd thought.

"I get that," he said, deciding not to elaborate. When Jason had been made praetor, he'd instantly realized how much pressure was being put on him. It wasn't fun to have the entire legion looking at him as even more of a leader than they'd already thought he was. Nor was it fun to be the center of attention, something he'd been ever since he'd joined the legion.

He laid out on the roof, his legs dangling off the ledge. He stared up at the sky, ignoring the fact that the sun was getting in his eyes and overall being a pain in the ass.

Frank glanced at Jason, as if gauging his mood, before speaking again. "So, about what happened after Ithaca…"

Jason's mood soured a bit. Judging by Frank immediately looking sheepish, his face showed it.

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to!" Frank said quickly, waving his hands. "I just… uh… I feel like it'd be good to talk about it. But if you don't want to, we—"

"Frank, it's fine." Jason sat up, taking his glasses off. Probably not the best idea, since they could easily fall from his grip and break on the ground, but he had an extra pair back in his dorm. He set them on his lap. "I think we should talk about that."

Frank sighed, seeming relieved that Jason didn't get upset. Jason couldn't blame him very much, considering how upset he'd gotten during those short, awkward conversations with Frank.

"I just wanted to know… actually, let me figure out how to phrase this."

Jason crossed his legs at the ankles and started swinging them again, not paying attention to the fact that his glasses were slowly sliding off of his lap with every movement. "Take your time, man."

Frank was quiet for a moment before continuing. "How… jeez, I don't know how to phrase this."

"Just say what you mean."

"How bad was it? I mean when you saw your mom's ghost." Frank seemed a little nervous about the question, which Jason found understandable.

Jason stared down at the city below, watching people walk through the streets. He could hear the noise of their chatter even from up here. Today must have had everyone in a more cheerful mood.

"If I'm being honest, it was really bad. It felt like I was a scared little kid again." Jason glanced at Frank. Judging by the tightness in the son of Mars' shoulders and the hint of wariness in his eyes, as well as the slight twitch of the corner of his mouth, Frank was anxious about something. Or maybe Jason was looking too deep into his… friend's body language. He wasn't actually sure if he could count Frank as a friend, since the two of them rarely spoke.

Frank nodded, which Jason decided to take that as a silent go on. A small part of his mind kept telling him he was messing up.

"It felt like…" Jason paused, trying to think. Gods, was talking usually this difficult? "Like my skin was being peeled off one layer at a time."

Judging by the slight furrow in Frank's brow, that description was a little too gruesome.

"Sorry. Too gross?"

"It's fine." Frank still looked a little off-put by Jason's phrasing. Jason decided not to mention it.

"It was worse after I saw her and had time to process what happened. I couldn't even look at my reflection. Every time I saw myself, I just saw her staring back at me," Jason continued. "The stab wound was nothing compared to that."

Frank's brow furrowed, suggesting that he was probably concerned by that? Maybe not. But maybe he was. Maybe Jason was stressing too much over Frank's little expressions and shifts in body language.

"That's…" Frank trailed off, seemingly thinking. He shook his head. "I don't even know what to say about that." He looked a little sheepish (without turning into a sheep).

There was yet another quiet moment before Jason suddenly remembered something.

"Wait, I don't think I ever properly apologized for getting mad at you," he said, quickly straightening up before his glasses fell off of his lap and into the street below, as if they were trying to tempt him. Jason stared as he watched someone walk where he assumed they'd fallen. "Damn it…"

Frank looked down, his expression a mix of surprise and a hint of amusement. He stifled a laugh, glancing between Jason and the street. Jason was sure his own expression was hilariously dumbfounded.

Jason sighed, lightly hitting Frank on the shoulder, though he wasn't upset about Frank's horribly hidden amusement. "As I was saying, I should properly apologize to you. So… sorry for getting so angry then. I was frustrated and wasn't thinking straight, but I shouldn't have lashed out when you asked about the wound. You were just worried, and I should have thought more about that." Jason silently wondered if his apology was too corny, but it was already out before he could think too hard about it.

The son of Mars fidgeted with the praetor's laurels, a nervous habit Jason had noticed among many new praetors including himself. "It's fine. I think would've gotten upset too if something that bad happened to me and all anyone asked about was a sword wound."

There was more silence as Jason figured out what to say. Maybe he didn't need to say anything. It wouldn't matter anyway… he decided to ignore why he was thinking that.

Frank suddenly jolted, looking as if he'd just remembered something. "Right, I need to talk to Reyna! She wanted to discuss the things happening down South. Some fauns were worried and were bothering us about it." He looked at Jason. "Bye. See you later?"

Jason nodded. "See you later."

As Frank turned back into a bird and flew off, Jason found what he'd said almost hilarious.

"'See you later,'" he muttered to himself.

How funny. It was as if he had a later.