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The Idiot and her Bastard: Magic edition

Summary:

Naruto Uzumaki was a delight. Strong, passionate, kind. She was the kind of girl you would bring back home to your parents.

Sasuke Uchiha was an asshole, probably a death eater and almost definitely a murderer.

Naruto was the most Gryffindor person that had ever walked through the halls of Hogwarts. Sasuke was the most Slytherin bastard the staff had ever had the displeasure of meeting.

They should hate each other. They should be sworn enemies. It is, to the detriment of staff and students, so much worse than that.

OR,

Naruto and Sasuke are about three inches away from codependent after the fourth great shinobi war when they are put on a mission to protect the OTHER chosen one.

Notes:

Fuck JK Rowling and her abysmal views on trans people and, frankly, in general. Horrid woman, only thing worth investing time into is the fan fiction the fandom spawned from those books.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter Text

To say that Dumbledore was surprised by his new guards would be an understatement.

 

”Ah,” He exhaled slowly, taking in the two kneeling figures. “I was under the impression you represented a shinobi village?” 

 

‘Not providing me with more students.’ Dumbledore thought wryly though not unkindly. Finding amusement in how the young lady with the blonde hair visibly bristled at him and his rather pointed question. 

 

Kids were the same everywhere, it seemed. 

 

The woman, who had been his primary contact in the process, did not look impressed by it either. Nor had she looked impressed in anything he had said so far. 

 

“Yes, Headmaster.” Tsunade raised a brow. “These are your shinobi.”

 

His amusement died quickly, she couldn’t possible mean—

 

“Now, you two.” The woman barked, the still figures—and they had been so very still, now that he looked at them, not even a twitch of movement despite the uncomfortable positions— rose with eerily blank faces. “I’m assigning you to a long term mission out of the country. It’ll primarily be for protection but also, if you can manage it, infiltration. End date not specified so just do your job and maybe you can come home early, got it?”

 

The tension that he wasn’t even aware of broke, and much to his relief, the teenagers had reverted to something a little more familiar; blind defiance and childish pride.  

 

”I can manage infiltration.” The young boy scoffed, a very Slytherin look in his eyes. “Unlike the idiot, I know how to keep a low profile.”

 

”Why isn’t Sakura with us?” The girl, who couldn’t be older than the fifth years, pouted. “I shouldn’t have to deal with the bastard without her calming sweet energy sustaining me and balancing out his crazy.”

 

”Crazy? That’s rich coming from the girl who stalked me cross-continent.”

 

”Children!” Tsunade snapped, jolting Dumbledore out of his musings on the contents of their banter. “Sakura is spearheading the new hospital remodel for me and doesn’t have time for random magic shit.”

 

And because she was raised right, despite what others say, she added. “No offense meant, Headmaster.”

 

“None taken.” He replied, faintly amused. 

 

“And we do!?” The boy bit back, which earned him a very sarcastically indulgent look from the woman. 

 

”You wanna help rebuild houses with one arm?” Tsunade huffed and the young girl even stifled her giggles, as if the very notion of a lost arm wasn’t horrifying as it was, let alone for one so young. “Don’t ask stupid questions. I’m stressed as it is drafting the new council, approving the curriculum addition to include the war and playing house with too many goddamn villages—which, thanks for that, Naruto—don’t add your bitchin on top of it.” 

 

“When do we need to leave, granny?” The young girl curiously asked, an innocent tilt of her head that compelled Dumbledore to make sure this matter did not stay unaddressed. 

 

“Miss Tsunade,” Dumbledore started, ignoring how the woman rolled her eyes at the address. “Although I am very appreciative of the aid, I am urged to stress the seriousness of the matter. The wizarding world is on the precipice of war, I cannot guarantee their safety nor can I prioritize them over our own wards, are you certain this is the best course of action?”

 

”Ah.” She startled slightly at this, though, not from shame or guilt as he would have expected but rather strangely with bemusement. “You don’t believe my shinobi are up to standard? These two?”

 

He grimaced, not having intended harm in his warning. ”That isn’t quite what I—“

 

“A demonstration then.” The boy spoke up, talking to Dumbledore directly, a mean smirk twisting his face. ”To make sure you know that we are more than adequate for your little…problem.”

 

The girl nodded and unceremoniously tightened her headband, the metal gleaming ominously. “Training ground 10 then, it’s close and has a big enough clearing that we can blow stuff up and not scare the village. Granny you can bring the old guy, right? Great!”

 

“Shitty little brat.” The woman hissed, digging her fist rather deeply into the young girl's head. “No maiming, no excessively flashy jutsu and make it quick! This was supposed to be sorted half an hour ago!”

 

The blonde saluted and the boy huffed, reactions Tsunade ignored, and sped off who knows where. One moment they were there, arguing amongst each other and the next, nothing. Wordless magic at such young ages, the world was a curious place. 

 

“Headmaster,” Tsunade said, calm and in control, the opposite of the foul mouthed and headstrong personality he had been exposed to so far. “I understand that our way of doing things may seem…barbaric to you. My shinobi are professionals and they have been in the business for a very very long time. Naruto and Sasuke themselves have led deeply impressive lives and single-handedly—more literal than you’d care to know— ended our latest war.”

 

There is a sudden flash, that has Dumbledore repressing a flinch from the unexpected crack of energy and suddenly the leaders are in a field, overlooking the two children lightly stretching. 

 

She continued, neutral but chillingly factual. “They are under your command now and I urge you not to treat them as you might your own wards because, as cruel as it may sound, they are nothing like them. Your kids go to a magic school that helps sort them into little magic jobs in their insular little magic towns.”

 

Although bristling at the gross oversimplification of his world, there was nothing but ice in his veins with what she said next. 

 

“Those two, like every ninja under my care, are shinobi before they are children, they are tools before they are people and—“

 

“Ready Idiot?” The boy called out, an ominous purple energy surrounding him, lapping at his feet.

 

“Obviously.” She replied with a wide, bubbly grin her own strange magic pulsing around her, the feel of which to Dumbledore was akin to being crushed under the gravity of a collapsing star.

 

“They are my soldiers before they are your students. Do your best to remember that.”

 

And then, they fought.

 

And he feared, for the first time in decades, something other than his own failures. 

 

 

 

 

Dumbledore returned to the Order with the promise of new guards to trail Harry Potter in the new school year. 

 

He did not tell them the result of their demonstration, nor their ages. Some things are better left alone. 

 

He told Sirius to set up two beds, told Molly that there will be two new mouths to feed who will seem younger than they are but are more then able to take care of themselves and finally he told Severus, in the privacy of his office, that he has brought danger to their doorstep.

 

”I need you to keep an eye on them, Severus.” He said, feeling older than he has ever felt before. “For the sake of the children but, also, perhaps for the sake of the wizarding world at large.”

 

“Do they mean us harm?” He asked with a tense grimace.

 

”No, I don’t believe so.” Dumbledore answered truthfully. They mean no harm to them specifically, not now, but there is not a shadow of a doubt that if that were to change sometime in the future the wizarding world would not be prepared for the power houses they grew. Because if that power were contained in their teenagers, what did that mean for the adults? 

 

“But still, I sense a great unrest in them. Tell the Order to stay alert for any strange behavior especially—“

 

Here Dumbledore hesitated, because although his school had been made with the four greatest minds in the wizarding world and their legacy echoed in their students, there was still great prejudice in their ranks, especially to those in Slytherin. None could know that more intimately then Severus himself and Dumbledore should be above the sway of confounded stereotypes and bad first impressions but still…

 

”Especially the boy.” He said, gravely. “I imagine he will join your brood very soon when the term starts.”

 

He had already let one ambitious and deeply troubling young man go to the dark side; he will not fail a second time.