Chapter Text
I don't remember leaving the apartment. When did I come out..how long has it been since I last left the apartment? I can't remember anything anymore, but walking in this harsh winter breeze, I could feel my cracked lips ripping. It was bleeding slowly down my chin, and the blood was warm. I liked it...but I wanted to feel warmer. But the cold breeze also felt so comforting too. It was warmer than how cold my heart had felt. Was that normal? I’m not sure, but I wanted to feel warmer. I wanted to feel the warmth I had felt when I last hugged you. Will we meet again? I saw the people around me staring with stares of…fear? I’m not sure anymore. I just wanna see him again. His soft eyes that would look at me lovingly whenever I looked away. He never knew that I could still see him in my peripheral vision. Oh how I wish I could see those eyes again. I intertwined my hands together to reminisce that warmth of holding your hand. There was blood dripping down my wrists. Why was there blood dripping..? Maybe I cut myself again. He'll be disappointed... I looked down at my wrists that had deep cut wounds as my tears trickled down my cheeks. I'm sorry, Ricky...I promised that I would stop doing this..I promised. But I miss you so dearly. Maybe this time it'll work. I can't wait to be with you.
Slowly, my vision blurred and I felt weak. Maybe this was how Ricky felt when he died. Leaving me all alone in this cold winter when he promised to decorate our apartment with Christmas decorations me. When he told me he had an early present for me, I didn't expect it to be his death. I should've told him that I liked him sooner. He just needed to wait a little longer...just until Christmas. What do I do with all the reservations that I made now, Ricky? Was it because I didn't get you the friendship ring I promised you for your birthday? I saved enough money to buy it now...it's in your drawer. I designed it especially for you with our initials engraved in it on the inside. It got delayed...I'm sorry. I'm currently wearing mine. It's so pretty, but not as pretty as you. I wish I could've seen the ring on your soft and slender fingers. It would've looked better on you than me.
I would've confessed earlier, but I was scared I'd mess it up. The day I went into our apartment and found you on the floor cold...my life ended with yours. But why am I still here living? I should've followed after you, but I thought if I called the ambulance quick enough, they could save you. You looked so at peace. Were you happy to leave me? Without any note? I thought you loved me...but maybe I was wrong. I feel at peace too now. I'm at your favorite quiet place. Remember how you hated loud places? I went all around town and I found the perfect place. It's quite the hike, but I'm here again. I can see the entire town from up here. Maybe I took too long to walk up here. It's dark now. All the lights make the town look so pretty. Something that you always stared at with awe...the glimmer in your eyes everytime we came here is so hard to forget. I wanted to kiss you that day...but that would've ruined my plans to confess. Now I can never confess anymore... I hope you're happy.
I'm a little tired now, Ricky. Slowly, my body fell limp, but I missed the railing...Ricky, I missed the railing... The wind is so cold, and I'm falling so fast. I'm so scared, Ricky. I hope I get to see you soon. I can feel my breathing slowing down and the ground is so cold. You think anyone will find me here..? Nonetheless...I'm happy, Ricky. See you soon, my beloved.