Work Text:
“Karkat, I’m hungry, can you make me a sandwich?” Dave asks, not looking up from the TV where he fails to do sick flips in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2. Karkat stands behind the couch staring down at Dave menacingly, “Okay.” He glares at Dave for a few seconds longer, waiting for Dave to say thank you but he never does.
Karkat walks into the kitchen and looks for the bread, butter and various other ingredients. He puts a slice of grain bread down on the stained counter and grabs a knife from a drawer with a puppet shoved into it propping the drawer open. He tries to carefully butter the bread but it’s frozen solid and he rips the bread multiple times as he butters it.
Karkat grabs a bag of ham from the fridge, it’s moldy but he doesn’t seem to care and places 3 slices of it onto the remnants of the bread. He then goes back to the fridge to grab the cheese but they’ve run out of amazing, delicious, scrumptious american sliced cheese and Karkat has no choice but to use shredded parmesan.
Dave yells out from the living room, “Are you almost done? I’m starving and I can’t concentrate on these sick flips I’m doing.”
“I’m working on it! I need to go to the grocery store, I’ll be back.” Karkat groans, grabbing Dave’s wallet and walking out the door, stumbling over like 20 puppets and a couple katanas on his way out.
Karkat walks down the street to the grocery store, seeing an ant pile on the side of the sidewalk as he does. He grabs a handful of ants and puts them in a plastic zipper bag, sealing it and putting it in his pocket.
After about 15 minutes Karkat finally reaches the store and grabs a shopping cart.
He buys a Bounty chocolate bar, off brand Skittles, a pear, a carrot, a party sized bag of salt and vinegar chips, chunky peanut butter, Biscoff spread, caramel ice cream topping, a potato, mayonnaise, a large bag of frozen prawns and a medium-sized bag of cat food.
He then walks over to the nearest pet shop, about 5 minutes away from the grocery store. Once there he buys 5 frozen mice and a bunch of crickets. He then walks outside and grabs a handful of leaves from a nearby bush before going home to continue making Dave’s sandwich.
He gets home and Dave yells out again “Karkat, please I’m practically dying here, I don’t know how much longer I can survive without this sandwich..”
“I’ll get it to you when I can!!!” Karkat screams and throws Dave’s wallet at him before walking back into the kitchen.
Karkat gets a pot of boiling water and puts the potato in it. He spreads the chunky peanut butter, Biscoff spread, caramel ice cream topping and mayonnaise on the free piece of bread without cheese and ham on it, making sure not to rip it even further than he already had with the butter. He cuts up the pear, carrot and chocolate bar and adds them on top of the cheese. He then smushes the leaves he grabbed from outside the pet store on top of everything else, getting moldy ham juice and pear juice all over his hands.
He then takes the potato out of the boiling hot water with his hand and squishes it, plopping the squished potato on top of the sandwich. He sprinkles a couple off brand Skittles and some cat food on the sandwich before carefully placing 5 prawns. He reaches into his pocket to get a couple ants out of the bag, putting them in his mouth and eating them before crushing up some chips and sprinkles them on, he feels generous and sprinkles a couple ants on too.
He then carefully places the crickets and mice on, not caring to defrost either the prawns or mice.
After finally placing all of these delicious ingredients on this incredibly ripped piece of bread, he closes the sandwich and it seems to be about half as tall as his own head, Karkat carefully transfers this beautiful work of art onto a paper plate to bring to Dave, who’s stopped playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, instead focusing on groaning and rolling around in pain on the couch instead of getting up and getting himself food, insisting on waiting for Karkat to bring him a sandwich.
Karkat sets the plate down on the coffee table in front of Dave. “I call her ‘Bettyy’, after the famous alternian baker.” Karkat announces, proud of his creation.
“What is this?” Dave looks absolutely puzzled, no clue what Karkat has just set in front of him.
“Your sandwich that you asked for an hour and a half ago.” Karkat smiles at Dave, excited for him to taste this delectable dish.
Dave stares at Karkat, trying to figure out if he’s joking or not.
“I don’t think this is fit for human consumption.” said Dave bluntly.
Karkat frowns, “Dave, please just try it, I work very hard on making sure all food I make is of top quality”
Dave stares at the sandwich for a while before taking a bite, immediately spitting it out, “Karkat, this sandwich tastes so terrible that it makes me want to kill the nearest living being” Dave stares at him.
Karkat’s eyes dart around the room nervously, “What?”
Dave stands up and grabs one of the swords off the floor
“This sandwich is so disgusting that I need to kill you for even thinking about making it.” Dave runs at Karkat, sword in the air, ready to swing down and hit Karkat
“Wait, no!” Karkat screams
Dave has no mercy, bringing the sword down and hitting Karkat with it. He kicks Karkat onto the floor, stabbing him repeatedly as Karkat wiggles around, screaming.
Finally, Karkat is dead. Dave stands up and orders a pizza on his phone.
The end.