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The moment Johannes steps on stage and notices the group, something heavy settles in his mind.
It’s a group of older women, clearly a bit more drunk, and the way they look at him on stage is nothing short of intense.
It’s not fair to give a show based on first impressions and he can’t let his mind get weighed down by the expectations and assumptions and past experiences. The show can be just as good as any other. Johannes knows that, but ignoring the unsettling feeling and taking the microphone like he usually would still feels abnormally difficult.
For a while, the feeling fades and it really is a good show. The songs flow easily, the crowd is having a good time, singing along. He gets to feel like he’s in his element, up here with his friends.
It’s not too far into the set, however, as he gets close to the front of the stage, that the worries resurface.
He can see how they reach for him, can see their eyes go over him, and on a stage this small, there isn’t much room to retreat into.
Rarely does he feel trapped, but in a situation like this, it’s the only way he can really describe the discomfort. Trapped, unable to do anything about any of it, forced to move around things he shouldn’t have to.
At first it’s nothing too bad. They’re reaching for him, like half the front row is.
He shouldn’t have to do more than step back from it, but the constant stepping around, the constant awareness of where he is and how he is gets frustratingly tedious.
Yet it gets worse.
A lot worse.
Every time he’s near the edge of the stage, someone’s hands are on him or trying to grab him. Then, whenever he’s out of reach, he can feel the eyes on him, heavy with suggestion.
He's glad that with the monitors on it’s difficult to hear anything being spoken in the crowd, because the way the women are whispering to each other while looking at him makes Johannes want to go invisible.
Trapped. Unable to anything except move on, no matter how much he wants to just not. That's the difficulty of it.
He doesn’t even want to look in that direction by the time they’ve crossed the halfway point of the show.
And the worst part is, it isn’t even the worst he’s faced. No matter how awful he feels, at least they can’t reach above his knees. That’s not always a guarantee at club shows like this. The thought doesn't really serve any comfort.
As the show goes on, Johannes feels hyper aware of every move he makes. Every note he sings, every way his eyes shift over the crowd is being observed, and he can't ignore it. He feels like he’s being consumed, like everyone’s eyes are on his every move, because… well… they are. But where usually that wouldn’t be such a problem, now as he’s forced to acknowledge the very clear, very unwanted intentions behind the actions of a small few in the large crowd. Actions of a small few that are so out of line it all is suddenly too much.
Aarni clearly notices him favouring his side of the stage, and tries to move accordingly. Johannes would be grateful for it, if he couldn’t see the group trying to grab Aarni too. It makes Johannes feel kind of sick.
At some point he does catch the eye of their security, who moves to that side of the stage. The women move to the other, and Johannes refuses to focus on it further.
Trapped, forced to ignore it. He can’t do a full show standing in place, paralyzed in anxiety and shame, no matter what.
The show has to keep going, so Johannes does his job and performs like it’s not happening, like mouthing ‘stop’ in their direction and moving away from their hands is working and like the obvious suggestions getting passed between the women aren’t getting more bold, like the security intervening however they can whenever they can is enough to ease the awareness of all that focus on him.
By the time their set nears its end, it feels almost like the whole crowd is in on it. Like all the eyes on him are that heavy, like every hand reaching for him is over reaching.
He doesn’t even know if the show they just performed was any good when the final song ends. It was a show, and now it’s done.
When Aarni comes up to his side and goes to put his arm around him, like always, Johannes almost flinches. He manages to keep the smile on through bowing to the audience, focusing on the kind and familiar faces, but it’s very obvious his bandmate noticed anyway.
And just as Johannes thinks he’s in the clear, and that the show is over, one of the women actually pulls herself slightly further up to the stage to slap him on the ass.
Aarni immediately steps between them and pushes Johannes towards back stage. Johannes doesn’t turn to look what happens after, stumbling down the steps off stage and into the darkness behind it.
The backstage is a tight fit for a club this small, and the moment they’re off stage it comes to life. Jonttu ignores it though, instead focusing on Johannes.
He is hunched over and holding himself like he’s just trying to disappear, stepping around the crew rushing around, practically gluing himself to the wall to avoid everyone.
He can’t avoid handing in his monitors, so he practically tears them off himself when he notices Patrik approaching, handing them over immediately and then going back to avoiding everything and everyone.
Aarni meets Jonttu’s eyes and gestures towards Johannes. Jonttu nods, while Aarni ducks back towards the stage and the crew.
They walk down the hall, and Virpi happens to cross their path. Even she seems taken aback by Johannes’ demeanour, opting to hang further back as she follows them along, choosing to talk about something with Okko instead.
Jonttu walks up to Johannes’ side.
“You okay?”
Johannes starts to nod, but it quickly morphs into a shake of his head.
“I don’t know.”
Jonttu nods, holding the door open for Johannes as they finally get to the dressing room.
“Was it the ladies? Near the front?”
Johannes nods again, taking a deep breath.
“I feel like they’re still looking at me through the walls.”
Jonttu grimaces at that. He hadn’t seen most of it from over the drum kit, but the quite bold attempt to get on stage once the show was over was evidence enough of the intentions and what Johannes must have had to put up with tonight.
Unfortunately the dressing room doesn’t provide an immediate relief from it, as it’s already quite packed with various members of their team.
Johannes continues to avoid it, going over to the couch crammed in the corner, grabbing a water bottle on his way.
Okko and Virpi follow them in, and Virpi taps him on the shoulder, gesturing to Johannes.
“It was a rough show.” Jonttu sighs. “Aarni went to chat with the security.”
Virpi nods, giving a sympathetic look to Johannes before ducking out of the room, most likely to go find the security as well.
Aarni rejoins them soon enough, eyes immediately going to Johannes, who has his arms folded over his chest and is still hunched over like he doesn’t want to be seen at all. Aarni walks over and crouches in front of him. He almost lays his hand on Johannes’ shoulder, but snatches it back like he’s been burned. In any other scenario Jonttu would find it funny, but there’s nothing funny about the tension lining Johannes’ shoulders.
“I checked with security. They’re dealing with it.”
Johannes nods before looking down.
“Are you gonna be okay for load out and pack up?”
Johannes shrugs, then nods. “I can wait, yeah.”
Aarni nods back and moves to sit next to him, leaving a good bit of distance between them.
Jonttu looks around the room. Most of their crew are going on about the clean up like usual. They clearly notice Johannes withdraw and move around him easily as if he isn’t there at all. For a moment Jonttu joins them, checking with Konsta that everything is going as smoothly as it seems to be and checking if they’re going to have food on the bus or on the way out.
“Yeah food should be on the bus,” he responds, checking something over, before turning back to Jonttu. “I heard there was trouble with the security?”
Jonttu shakes his head. “Trouble in the audience. Security is apparently handling it but please check that over.”
Konsta nods back. “Yeah, we’re debriefing later. I’ll make sure to chat it over with them.”
Jonttu nods back and Konsta rushes away, summoned to help with something or other.
People around them are talking and laughing and the routines continue as normal and Johannes looks like he wants to be anywhere but here. Jonttu considers it for a moment, before he finally decides to go up to him, crouching in front of him like Aarni had moments ago.
“Johannes, look at me.”
Johannes does.
Jonttu holds eye contact for a moment before speaking more.
“Do you need anything?”
Johannes opens his mouth to answer, but doesn’t manage to immediately say anything at all. He closes his mouth, swallows, and closes his eyes.
“I need it to stop,” he says, “Like I just need everything to stop. Please.”
Jonttu feels his heart clench at how uncertain Johannes sounds. Even so, he waits for Johannes to open his eyes and to look at him again before nodding.
“Okay.”
Jonttu stands back up and turns away from Johannes. He whistles to get everyone’s attention, bringing the busy room to a brief standstill.
“Okay, as much fun as we’re having, this is not everyone’s dressing room. So, please, everyone who doesn’t have immediate business here, out. Thank you.”
Okko glances at Johannes and Aarni on the couch before meeting Jonttu’s eyes. They share a nod, and together heard people out just a bit faster.
They’re lucky to be as close with their crew as they are, but at times like this, with everyone crowded in the limited space of their dressing room, Jonttu doesn’t feel so grateful for it. While small venues like this don’t always have room for everyone, the fact that their dressing room so often takes the brunt of that is less than optimal.
Even so, most of everyone gathers their things and makes their way out. The few stragglers who maybe actually had a reason to be here catch up quickly and make themselves scarce too, as the room becomes more quiet.
When the doors finally close and it’s just the four of them, the silence settles in immediately.
Johannes is leaning his head into his hands. He seems calm but there’s still tension lining his shoulders.
Jonttu shares another look with Okko, and the two of them start up on their normal routines. Changing out of the overalls. Taking a shower. Gathering up their things. After a moment Aarni joins them too, gathering up Johannes’ things along with his own.
Johannes doesn’t move much throughout.
Usually Jonttu would ruffle Johannes’ hair or pat him on the shoulder or do anything at all to check in with him, and it’s almost painful to know that at the moment that might not be welcomed like it usually is. As Jonttu passes Aarni, he can see similar thoughts swirling behind the looks he gives Johannes as they move around him.
The crew can be heard outside, going on about their business.
Someone knocks on the door. Jonttu opens it just enough to see who’s outside, blocking the view to the dressing room from outsiders.
It’s the head of security for the venue, who looks as straight faced as they always do.
“Thought I’d let you know that the individuals who were bothering you have been removed from the premises. We’ll make sure they won’t be a problem when you leave, either.”
“Thank you.”
The man nods. “If there’s anything else, let us know.”
“Will do.”
With that, the guard takes his leave and Jonttu closes the door, turning back to the room. Johannes still hasn’t moved.
Jonttu checks the clock. They’re not on a too tight schedule, but they do have to finish the load out soon, and Johannes’ hasn’t even changed out of his stage clothes yet.
Jonttu walks over and crouches in front of him again.
“Are you gonna take a shower?”
Johannes shakes his head.
“Are you sure?”
Johannes squints at him. He looks almost angry, but Jonttu ignores that.
“Come on. You're gonna feel worse if you don't.”
Jonttu stands up and holds out his hand.
For a moment Johannes just stares at him like he wants to disagree, but there’s nothing to disagree on and they both know it.
Johannes takes his hand and lets himself be pulled up.
Jonttu digs up some clean clothes and a towel for him. Johannes lets himself get pushed towards the showers, though he pulls the curtains shut more carefully than normal. Unsurprisingly he gets dressed again in the shower too, before coming out and joining the three of them in packing up the last of their things.
Once they leave the room the crew come back in, packing up their wardrobe and everything else that was brought in. They adjust to Johannes' unusual absence without a question, dividing up the tasks he would usually do or help with without a comment. The rest of the night moves through in routine and they get on the bus and get back on the road.
Jonttu doesn’t go to bed though, and for good reason.
Once silence settles on the bus, Johannes reappears. He is buried in a large hoodie and he doesn’t even really look around before settling right next to Jonttu on the couch, leaning against him.
Jonttu hesitates, but wraps an arm around Johannes’ shoulders anyway. Johannes relaxes into it and Jonttu lets out a deep breath. For agood while, they just sit like that.
While starting conversations isn't Jonttu's strong suit, in this band it is sometimes a necessity, so he's the one who speaks first this time.
“How bad was it?”
Johannes shrugs. “Relative to the worst case scenario? Not horrible.”
“Relative to the fact that that shouldn’t happen at all?” Jonttu replies, maybe a bit harshly.
Johannes doesn’t answer.
Jonttu sighs. One problem at a time. “How are you feeling?”
“Like crap.”
The bus rumbles over some bump in the road. Someone’s talking in a low voice on the other side of the bus. The driver has the radio on, very quietly, but right now Jonttu can hear it.
“And, like, it really wasn’t that bad tonight. They couldn’t even reach me most of the night. But it still sucks." Johannes pauses for a moment, before sighing. "‘Cause I couldn’t, like, ignore any of it. I had to be there and I had to watch them watch me like… like that. And I couldn’t do anything about it. And then that made me feel like crap. And then the show was crap.”
"Hey, stop that." Jonttu squeezes his shoulder. "The show wasn't crap. We're pros at this. We make it good no matter what."
Johannes shakes his head before pressing face into Jonttu’s shoulder.
“I should have said something right away.”
Jonttu shrugs. “You could have. But from what I saw, that wouldn’t have made a difference.”
Johannes doesn’t respond.
“And it’s dealt with now, anyway. The security dealt with it. Our team can look out for it a bit better next time.”
“Next time,” Johannes repeats.
“Yeah. Next time." Jonttu shakes him slightly. "So there won’t be anyone else pulling themselves up to the stage. Or grabbing you. Or anything else.”
Once more, Johannes doesn’t respond. Jonttu’s not sure if he quite got his point across, but he didn’t expect to. It’s not what’s important right now, anyway.
What’s important is that Johannes is finally starting to relax, and tomorrow they’re going to do another show that is hopefully going to be nothing like tonight, and that Johannes will be okay.
“Thanks for clearing the room for me,” Johannes says quietly.
“Anytime.”
Johannes yawns, but doesn’t get up.
“You gonna go to bed?”
“No.”
Jonttu rolls his eyes, before leaning back to pull the two of them into a more comfortable position.
“I am going to complain about back pain tomorrow,” he tells Johannes and knows he’s smiling.
“You do that.”