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Running. It was all she could do these days. Amelia didn’t quite know where she stood with her job, she felt like she was in limbo. Still a surgeon, but it wasn’t the same since she came back from being fired. Obviously she had Scout, but the research motivated her. It made her feel alive, it gave her a rush. She’d argue it was better than the high she use to get from pills. But now she had running. It wasn’t quite as good as the highs she was used to, but it’d do until things went back to normal, if they ever did.
“Mama!” Scout shouted as he spotted his mother. His father pushing him in his stroller, as the two approached the hospital. Amelia had been running to the hospital these days, she lived close enough to do so.
“Hey, my sweet boy!” Amelia greeted as she approached the pair, leaning down to the young boys level. She pushed a strand of hair out of face, eyeing the length. They would have to go get it trimmed soon, she noted. “How’re you?”
“I missed you!”
“I know.” Amelia sadly smiled, trying to get back her rapport at the hospital was deeming harder than she anticipated. “I missed you too.”
“Hmm.” Link scoffed causing Amelia to look up at him, slightly offended. “Well I gotta get him up to daycare.”
“Alright, we’ll talk later?” Link seemed to dismiss Amelia’s proposition and kept walking. Leaving the neurosurgeon a bit distraught. She knew she had been distant with her son lately, but with the research taking off and then abruptly crashing had been taking up a lot of time. But she always assured she spoke with her son everyday, and remind him how much she loves him. Amelia decided to dismiss Link’s demeanor, and go about her day.
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Eventually throughout the day the former couple agreed to meet at their former bench outside of the hospital to talk. Amelia patiently waited, thinking back to when the two sat on this bench and decided that they were gonna have this baby. Even after everything that did and didn’t happen between the two, Amelia was right, they made a pretty amazing kid. It almost startled Amelia as she didn’t realize Link was approaching. She found it odd he didn’t sit down.
“We need to make a decision.”
“About the preschool? I thought we already did? I liked the one you had suggested.” Amelia reminded, a bit confused.
“No, not about that. Scout needs consistency, there’s been five times in the last three months when you haven’t come to get Scout-“
“I had work stuff going on, you had assured me it was fine.” Amelia interjected, feeling her heart rate start to accelerate.
“Yeah once or twice, but it’s not fair to Scout. Those five times you didn’t come to get him he was devastated. He’s not super little anymore and he knows when his mother is supposed to come and get him.”
“You’re totally right, but my schedule has calmed down now.”
“And what happens when it ramps up again?”
“I’ll learn how manage my time better, what happened to we were always going to follow our dreams?”
“Not when it hurts our son.”
“I’m kind of hurt Link, I love that boy so much that it hurts. And for you to basically say I prioritize work over him, is just like a stab to the chest.”
“Well that’s the message you’ve portrayed.”
Amelia didn’t quite know what to say, she loves her son. She thought Link of all people knew that, but she also loves her work. The two can coexist and intertwine.
“I want you to consider giving me primary custody.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Amelia almost laughed, it seemed so absurd. “I thought our shared custody agreement was going well?”
“I think it’s confusing for Scout to go back and forth. Then on top of that it’s even more confusing when his mother doesn’t come and pick him up. He knows, Amelia, he’s a smart kid. He thrives off of routine and every time you drop him off after a week at your place he’s all off. Anyways with primary custody it’s not like you’ll never see him.”
“I- I’m in disbelief.” The neurosurgeon was trying her best to conceal her tears, she wouldn’t let him see her cry.
“I don’t want him to grow up like I did, going back and forth. Having parents constantly fighting over me, it’s not fair to him. Anyway he should be with someone who actually wanted him.” Link immediately regretted that last statement after he saw the look on the woman’s face. He knew he was wrong for that, they were both weary about having kids, it all happened so fast.
Amelia simply nodded and took off, she could hear the man she use to love dearly call after her. She started running, not daring to look back.
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She intended to make a slow treck to her apartment, she didn’t quite know how she ended up at a run down bar on the other side of town. Reluctantly, she opened the door and the smell of alcohol hit her like a truck. She hadn’t been in a bar other than Joe’s in almost a decade. The atmosphere was much more depressing in this bar, it didn’t have the light energy Joe’s had. After walking around the perimeter of the bar she found a secluded booth. The population of this bar seemed to be primarily made up of alcoholics, no one seemed to be particularly enjoying themselves. Amelia focused on the skin around her thumb trying to convince herself to leave, and go home. Something made her stay though, she convinced herself that just a drink wouldn’t do much harm. Once the bartender placed the glass in front of her she hesitated to pick it up. Last time she drank was when Meredith got attacked and then before that was the night Ryan died. She thought about all the days in between where she painstakingly stayed sober. How hard it was, how rewarding it was. The idea of this drink though, the warm feeling it would give her, the numbness it’d provide. The two perspectives kept bouncing around in her head, and before she knew it the glass was empty. She could feel tears burning in her eyes, she just threw away her sobriety, in the morning she’d yet again be at day one. For the fourth time in her life.
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“Where’s Dr Shepherd?” Altman rhetorically asked as she stood in front of the surgical board. She quickly turned around to see if anyone was going to provide an answer.
“Not sure she didn’t sleep at her apartment last night.” Adams informed as he leaned against the nurses station finishing up a patients chart. Link had been sitting behind the nurses station killing time before his next surgery, and perked up at the conversation.
“Well someone needs to find her, she’s got three surgeries on the board for today.” Altman demanded before she walked off to find another crisis to remediate.
“How do you know she didn’t go home?” Link asked the intern.
“I got home and she wasn’t there, then I woke up and she wasn’t there.” The intern simply replied, he didn’t think much of it. Adams assumed she was somewhere in the hospital, that’s where she always spent most of her time.
“Huh.” Link sighed, tonight was suppose to be her night with Scout. He decided if she cancelled then he would go ahead and send papers asking for primary custody to her lawyer. Part of him knew this was stupid, they agreed they would raise him together whatever that looked like. Another part of him wanted to give Scout the family he always craved, and he’d be able to give him that with Jo. The back and forth would disrupt the image he had.
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The neurosurgeon found herself sitting in a park notoriously known for scoring. There was a baggie full of oxy in her pocket, but she felt frozen. She hadn’t taken any yet, something was holding her back. Her phone vibrating jolted her back to reality and she saw Link’s caller ID. She was ready to beat herself up, it was her night with Scout. By the time she was ready to answer it the phone had stopped ringing. Scout, she needed to get her act together. She couldn’t let this slip up ruin her life. Another part of her convinced herself there wasn’t anything holding her back from succumbing back into addiction, it’s not like Scout needed her. Maybe Link was right, maybe their son didn’t need the back and forth. He’d be better off in a consistent household with two parents.
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“She didn’t call to tell you she wasn’t picking Scout up from daycare?” Jo asked as she continued to cook dinner for the four of them.
“Nope. Not even a text. I’m over this, I’m gonna get primary custody. It’s absolutely ridiculous, Scout doesn’t need this confusion in his life.” Jo simply nodded she didn’t want to take get in the middle of this. She didn’t want to take away Amelia’s role in Scouts life. She wanted to support Link, but she didn’t want to replace a mother that was still there. A phone ringing brought the couple both back to reality. “Hello?”
Jo looked at Link questioningly, trying to figure who was calling.
“Uh, no haven’t seen her. It’s her night with Scout and she never picked him up or anything…alright I’ll let you know if I hear anything.”
“Who was it?” Jo asked once the phone was hung up.
“It was Richard, Amelia has been AWOL all day apparently. She never showed up to work or her apartment.”
“That’s not good. No one’s able to reach her?”
“No.” Link sat down at one of the barstool chairs, fixating on the tile of the floor.
“I’m sure she’s fine, maybe she just needs some time to herself. I mean it’s upsetting when someone tells you they want to change a custody agreement. She’s probably hiding out somewhere.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” Link was hoping this was the case.
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“You know, I really had my life turned around. I was running your department better than you ever did. I was taking care of your kids, I have a kid of my own. Life was too good for too long.” Amelia said as she laid on the dirty floor of the Seattle Ferry. She didn’t come to the ferry often, but whenever she did it’s where she felt closest to Derek.
“Ma’am?” A ferry worker stood above Amelia, looking down at the disheveled woman. “You can’t lay here.”
“Says who?” Amelia spat, sitting up abruptly which caused her to fall back down.
“The rules and regulations of the Ferry company.” He offered out a hand, which Amelia reluctantly took. “Can I help you get somewhere?”
“Why? I’m where I want to be.”
“I really don’t want to be that guy, but you can’t stay here. Your obviously, err under the influence.” Amelia stared at the man for a second, it took her a minute to process. Her hand immediately flew to her jacket pocket, searching for the baggie. All she was met with was empty plastic. Tears were forming in her eyes, if she hadn’t already broken her sobriety she really screwed up now. “Ma’am? A-are you crying?”
“No.”
“Ooookay. Well can I get you somewhere?”
“It’s fine. I’ll just leave.”
“I would like to help you, get you somewhere safe?”
“Really, I’ll be fine. I’m a big kid.” Amelia stumbled away from the ferry worker. Now she really didn’t know where to go. Her nephew would be back at her apartment, she couldn’t let him see her like this. She decided she could either get herself to a meeting, or back to the park. She could feel herself sobering up, she forgot about this part. Before she knew it she was in the damn park, she paced around the perimeter. Suddenly she found herself running, she ran as fast as she could in the state she was in. She could feel her lungs burning and her vision tunneling in. But she had to keep running.
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“43 year old female, found passed out in Seward Park.” The peppy EMT stated as they stepped out of the ambulance. “Definitely dehydrated, probable reason why she collapsed. It’s also probable she’s under the influence of some narcotics.”
“Get her into trauma 1, don’t let anyone see her! I only want nurse Helen and Kwan on this one!” Hunt announced as they maneuvered into the trauma room. He looked down at the woman he once was married to. He never had seen her like this, only ever drunk once. He ended up punching Riggs for that situation, even if it wasn’t his fault he felt good about that punch. He was brought back into reality as he looked at her vitals. “Alright I need a tox screen!”
“Is that Dr Shepherd?” Kwan asked as he stepped into the trauma room.
“Can I trust you on this case?” Hunt narrowed his eyes at the intern.
“Yeah, yeah of course.” Kwan shook his head back to reality.
After getting the neurosurgeon stabilized, Hunt sent her to the psychiatric floor. He wanted her to get clean, but they had to get to the root of the cause first. Upon hearing the news Webber was the first one in the hospital room, he wanted his face to be the first when she woke up.
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“Sent the papers to her lawyer.” Link announced as he approached Jo at the nurses station the next day.
“Have you heard from her yet?”
“Nothing yet.”
“Did anyone find her after yesterday?”
“Not sure, but I can’t worry about it. I have Scout to worry about.” Jo simply nodded as she finished reading a chart.
“Alright, well I got to go talk to this mother.” Link smiled as he watched her go along to her patients room, but upon hearing Amelia’s name in a nurses conversation he tuned in.
“Yeah, they found her passed out in Seward park, you know the one where junkies go to score?”
“I mean I’ve heard before that she had a drug problem, but they’re just rumors, I can’t imagine Dr Shepherd under the influence.”
“Well imagine it, I heard she’s up on the psych ward now.”
Link slowly backed away upon hearing this. There was no way. Amelia stayed sober through so much worse. What if she overdosed? Scout, what would he do without his mother? After the initial fear settled in he channeled those feelings to anger. How could she do this to their son? He didn’t need a mother who wasn’t consistent and had a drug problem. Quickly he marched up to the 7th floor and quickly found her room before he was about to go in he heard Dr Webber’s voice.
“This slip doesn’t define you, you’ll get your life back.”
“No I won’t.” Amelia cried. “I barely have a job anymore, I’m gonna lose custody of Scout. Everyone leaves, I’m alone.”
“Amelia Shepherd, you are not alone. You have Scout, you’ve got Lucas, you still have your sisters. Now they may not live here but they’re still there for you. You’ve got Owen still rooting for you. And you got me, you’ll get through this.” Link cringed as he noticed his name wasn’t mentioned, but her ex husbands was.
“I don’t want to get through this, I just want it to stop. I want all of it to stop.” Amelia choked out, still allowing her cries to take over.
“Amelia.” Webber scooted closer and took her hands in his. “I know how you’re feeling. You can’t give up though, you have too much to live for. Too many people who need you, there’s too many lives your yet to save.”
“It doesn’t matter. I can’t do it.” Amelia shook her head trying her best to not let anymore tears pass.
“Think about Scout, that little boy needs you.”
“No he doesn’t. He’d be better off with me dead.” The words hit Link like a knife, he’d never heard her this hopeless, this broken. Or maybe he just didn’t want to see the build up over the years.
“Alright Amelia, I’ll leave you be for a little while.” All Amelia did was nod before she let the tears start to fall. As Webber walked out of the room he was met with link, who he assumed had been listening. “Please don’t go in there.”
“I’ve- I’ve never seen her like that. Sh-she’s suicidal. She thinks she’s a terrible mother.” Link felt himself starting to break, was he the reason she thought these things?
“Shes not herself.”
“What happened?”
“I feel like you shouldn’t get involved. Just leave her be, we got her.”
“Scout, what about Scout?”
“Take care of him, just let him know his mother loves him and that she’s a bit sick right now. The doctors are going to take great care of her.”
“What are the next steps?”
“Link, please just leave her be.”
“I need to know.” Link demanded as he felt his cheeks start to burn.
“She’s on suicide watch, we’re gonna let her detox and get it all out of her system. And then she decides whether or not to go to rehab.”
“She’s going to rehab.”
“That’s not a decision you can force on her.”
“Than you make her go to rehab.”
“Dr Lincoln, I am going to tell you one more time. Leave her be.” Webber sternly said before walking away.
Link turned around to look at Amelia in the hospital bed, she looked disheveled and broken. Was he the reason? He knew the custody conversation was a catalyst. But ever since they had Scout, had he slowly pushed her into this? Drank carelessly around her as they were stuck in a house with four kids, pressured her to feel like marriage was the only way they could have a future together, through the years they had hurt each other that was undoubted. But was she struggling more than he ever realized? Had this been ruminating for years? Was this just her final straw? She had been through so much loss in her life, losing Scout would’ve been unimaginable. It was her final straw. She couldn’t run anymore.