Chapter Text
Authors note:
This first chapter contains mature descriptions, like low key almost smut (lol), skip to chapter two if you don't want to read it. It's only a dream!
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This story takes place long before he had asked me to jump. Before I had asked him “how high”. It won’t start at the very beginning, but it will start where it matters most. Or at least how much it matters most to me.
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“You have no idea what you want.”
“I do, surely I do!” I stammered. Surely everything I had worked hard for these past 17 years of life would amount to something.
“You have no clear goals. No set guidelines.”
“But…everything I’ve done had to… has to amount to at least something━right?”
“You will never amount to anything.”
I looked up at him. His hand gripping my chin tightly━forcing my head upwards, knees on the floor━it was like a renaissance painting. His platinum blonde hair was almost white. White like the snow powdered on the castle grounds outside. His middle part was messy now, two strands lay idle in between, sweat droplets clinging to them, begging to fall. Just as I was begging on my knees before him now; for his approval. Begging him that my life amounted to something. That it amounted to anything. It had to mean something. I needed to mean something.
His lips formed into a cocky yet sly grin, he trailed his thumb upwards near my mouth. He lightly brushed against my chapped lips. His mere touch caused me to shudder.
He had barely grazed my lips. His icy grey eyes held my own, unflinching, as if he were daring me to be the first to look away. A shiver prickled down my spine, but his gaze was unyielding—a silent challenge that pulled me in, even as it made my breath hitch. His movements, so simple that it wasn’t even anything━no…his movements were so simple that to me━it was everything.
“I thought you hated me.” He chuckled lowly, his voice gravely and tired. He cocked his head ever so slightly, the droplets that were clinging to his strands of white hair fell onto my cheek. I blinked as his sweat dripped down…and down again until they met his fingers that were clung to my chin tightly. The exhaustion in his voice softened as he began to lean in closer, his head bending down slowly to completely meet my gaze.
The pressure on my face getting slightly tighter.
His pale complexion faced me fully. Taking it all in, I swallowed dryly as if he had drained me of everything I was. He was so close now, as if he were sharing a secret that only I was meant to hear. It felt like I could melt into his touch. But I couldn’t let him know how much power he truly held over me. I couldn’t let myself become another little toy for him to play with when he was bored. I wouldn’t let myself go like that.
But I could feel myself start to lean into his hand, letting his thumb brush against my cracked lips.
I couldn’t speak. My words were caught in my throat. I had no idea what I would do next; my body was playing against my own thoughts. It was as if I had no will power or control over myself any more. He was winning this battle, and he knew it. I mean hell, I was already on my knees underneath his tall looming body, looking up into his piercing eyes. His beautiful icy grey eyes.
“Well y/n? I thought you hated me.” He spoke once more. The words practically slithering out of his mouth with hints of emotions that I couldn’t seem to properly describe. Was it confusion? Could it be anger? Part of me wished it was only confusion. The other part of me wished it was only anger. That I wanted him to take it out on me. But I couldn’t help the strange feelings inside my stomach from arising. Like I wanted to vomit. But it was also like I wanted him to keep going, to keep touching me and to come closer to me. Like I wanted him to move from my chin to my hair and grip it tightly, forcing me to look into his eyes. I wanted him to keep me here beneath him like a dog.
“God. You can’t even think right now, can you?” His voice was teasing in the way he said it.
“I-I cant stop thinking.” I stammered out honestly. Where did that just come from?
That stupid grin on his face grew wider. Stupid…ugly…face of his. That I just couldn’t take my eyes off of.
“Tell me.” He began, his fingers crept up from my chin to my cheek, still slightly wet, he rubbed his sweat into my skin. His grip wider and even harder. Inching my face closer to him, I swallowed so hard that it made an embarrassing noise. I wanted to kill myself right now. What was I doing? Why was I even in this position to begin with?
“Tell me what you’re thinking about~” His voice was like a sickly warm honey, glazing itself over a warm loaf of bread and I was a busy bee who just couldn’t mind her own business. I was the bee who landed on the sickeningly sweet loaf of bread and got stuck in its honey glaze. And I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to be freed.
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Authors Note:
Hi there! My name is Rowan. I started writing this when I was going through a very difficult period of my life... aka...the past 2 months.
I'm in my sophomore year of college and I was having extreme roommate problems. I eventually decided to just move out, tired of constantly walking on eggshells in order to sleep in my own room. Just as I was making peace and getting to know my new roommate, I had an accident and collapsed and fell in our dorm room. I had to be rushed to the hospital because I had fainted. We found out that I am anemic and that I have an irregular heart beat.
Join me as I write in order to cope with my new found medical life stresses. This is and always has been my way of escaping the real world, so I hope you enjoy what I write.
Word Count: 1059