Chapter Text
Frustration. That was probably top of the list of words that Carla wanted to use to describe how she felt. Another long, overly drawn out drink from the straw in her gin was the only way she was able to hide exactly that from her face.
After everything - the weeks of support, care, admiration that she had shown Lisa - it still felt an unwanted surprise that mates were what Lisa felt they were. Was it not obvious? Was she not being clear enough? Did it really have to be one of those situations where she was going to have to spell it out? That very thought terrified her beyond her wildest dreams. It was no longer about a label - gay, straight, curious - but more now about how Carla really felt. How she couldn’t for the life of her get everything about the woman sitting opposite her out of her head.
“I better be going.”
Surprise. It crept into Lisa’s expression at hearing the admission from the brunette. “But I’ve to get the next round. It’s only fair.” She replied, gesturing at both almost empty glasses.
Carla desperately wanted to stay seated, of course she did. She didn’t want to leave the bar, this place, this moment. She wanted to keep chatting, apologise awkwardly for the hug during which she caught Lisa’s bruised ribs, talk about everything and anything… but she couldn’t force it. She couldn’t pretend like those were the only things she wanted to do. She couldn’t pretend that every second ticking past wasn’t another second she had much more muddied thoughts of what could happen between them.
“I have to be at factory early, so, you know…” She trailed off. She knew it was a crap excuse, Lisa likely could see straight through it but it was the right thing to do now. Taking to her feet, Carla collected her bag from the floor and slung it over her left shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow maybe.”
Lisa smiled softly and nodded. She couldn’t fathom the right words to use and couldn’t bear to turn to watch as Carla proceeded to walk away. She knew she couldn’t. It was like watching something falling and being so close but still so far away from being able to catch it. Her heart sunk as she heard to clunk of the bistro door behind her and she knew whatever opportunity she had to say more was gone.
“Another?”
The question from the barman startled her but proceeded with a nod and thankful smile. More gin, yes, the perfect way to wash away any ounce of self doubt. Accepting the fresh glass, she gulped down half through the straw before replacing it on the bar and sighing deeply.
What was wrong with her? Why did it seem impossible for her mouth and her head to be on the same page? Mates? It seemed like such a blasé term in response to such a thoughtful gesture. Of course, yes mates do things like that for each other all the time, but was it just that with Carla? She really was struggling to tell anymore. It just seemed safer to box it like that so that didn’t really have to dive any further into her feelings. It might have been 3 years since Becky died but it didn’t mean her entire self was mended enough to consider even for a minute that she could feel like that again for anyone else. It didn’t seem safe to risk the hurt or the loss. Especially not with Carla.
She finished her drink and settled the bill, clocking the time and wondering if Betsy had even for a second considered where her mum might be at 11pm on a Thursday. Checking the screen of her phone, which was free of any missed calls or messages, she sighed and wondered why she had even bothered to consider the thought. “Thanks.” She called to the barman, collecting her change and grabbing her bag, before stepping out into the cool air of any early November evening.
The street was pretty quiet. A singular cab rumbled past, splashing gently through the remaining puddle caused by rain water earlier in the day, and brought Lisa’s attention to the kebab shop, from which a dim light projected from within, much to Lisa’s surprise. It was late, she thought, for it to still be serving but judging by some of the slightly tipsier guests leaving with their food in hand in that moment, Lisa found herself wondering over in its direction.
The front door jangled as she stepped inside. The smell of spices and grease hung thick in the air - it was like being transported back in time to when she had spent many hours stuck behind the wheel of an unmarked police car, chatting to colleagues and devouring some of Manchester’s finest offerings.
“What can I get you, love?” The owner asked as Lisa pondered up at the board behind his head. She was very aware that her stomach was empty after she had missed her first opportunity at this earlier in the day. Betsy had even sent a photo of herself and Carla mockingly chomping on what she assumed, was the cold request she had placed before being called back to the station to see Kit. Carla.
Shaking her head, she pointed at one of the offers. “A large donner, sauce, salad, the works.”
Taking a seat by the window, Lisa waited patiently, watching out over the street. It had been a long day and her eyes were heavy. A strange day too. Certainly not how she had been anticipating spending her annual leave, that’s for sure. Suspended? That too was a joke. It didn’t seem like Lisa could keep anything stable in her life at the moment. Her job, her daughter, whatever ‘ship’ there seemed to be lingering between herself and a deeply captivating brunette factory owner. It was very apparent that her head was throbbing from the stress, and after consuming her food, lying down in a dark room was exactly what she needed.
“Thanks.” She called, collecting the bagged delight and exiting the shop. The street was still, peaceful and Lisa relished in that for a moment. Each day spent here usually surrounded by people, noise, distraction… Striding intentionally towards The Rovers where she intended to wait for her Uber, Lisa almost made it before a shadowy figure caught her eye sitting on the bench outside the salon. Who on earth would be sitting outside, in the dark and cold, at this time of night alone?
Drawing nearer, Lisa felt something her chest fall away, an ever so familiar filling the cavity. “Carla?”
The brunette looked upwards as Lisa approached. She was mid chew on a chip and the scene caused Lisa to emit a small laugh. “Heartburn ey?”
The question was as in relation to their exchange earlier that day regarding their very differing lunch choices. Yet Lisa had now caught Carla, mid kebab, in a very surprising turn of events. “You really do surprise me sometimes.”
Carla laughed awkwardly. “Yeah caught red handed. I blame the gin.”
“You had one.” Lisa retorted, stepping closer now and eyeing the brunette suspiciously.
“Okay, okay, I eat when I’m stressed.” Carla admitted, swallowing another chip before rewrapping what was left and placing it beside her on the bench.
Lisa was intrigued now. “Stressed? Why are you stressed?”
Carla sighed. Shit. What was wrong with her? It appeared of late her ability to not say what she felt but also not clear cut these questions with confident lies was becoming a real problem, seemingly only with a particular blonde detective.
Lisa stepped even closer, aware of the silence and, without invitation, took the spare space beside Carla on the wooden seat. “Has something happened? Something you want to talk to me about?”
Carla quickly shook her head, staring deadpan ahead. “You don’t want burdening with my problems.”
Lisa was taken with surprise by the reply. Burdening? It seemed odd that Carla could really feel that way considering how open she had been recently. They had talked about the divorce from Peter, the struggles with the court case… what was happening now in Carla’s life that was so difficult she couldn’t bring herself to speak openly about it?
“You know, if anyone has burdened anyway with anything, it’s me with all my problems that somehow, you always seem to end up in the middle of.” Lisa retorted. Namely she was referring of course to her fearless, head strong, gobby teenager and all the fights and accusations that Carla had found herself embroiled in, and normally having to rectify between them. “There’s no judgement here. If you have something to say…”
Carla sighed again. “Lisa, there really is a lot going on… but honestly I don’t think I can talk about it.”
“Oh… okay.”
The response seemed laced with disappoint. Carla sensed that and although it surprised her, she didn’t have the energy to probe further on it. There was too much fear around how doing so might leave things between them.
“Thanks though.” She added, aware she needed to sound somewhat grateful for the concern.
“I should get back then, eat this, before it’s too cold.” Lisa offered into the in momentary silence that preceded to fall between them, gesturing at the carrier bag containing her takeaway. Taking to her feet, she shifted uncomfortably and looked across to the street, still aware there appeared to be no sign of the car assigned to take her home.
“Have you booked a cab?” Carla asked, she too taking to her feet and following Lisa’s gaze down the street.
Lisa nodded. “I actually just really want to get into bed. Forget today ever happened.”
The words felt like a sudden sting to Carla’s chest. She could have sworn she let out an audible gasp. Collecting herself, she nodded and sort of smiled, brushing over things. “But I’m sure Betsy will be so excited when you have chance to tell her about the tickets.”
Ah yes, the tickets, Lisa had almost forgotten them with everything else zipping around her head. “I’ll make sure she comes to you tomorrow first thing to say thank you.”
“Pfft, honestly, it’s fine. Glad I could help.”
“No, Carla, honestly… It’s a huge thing that you did for her. Well for us. I want her to appreciate it like I have.”
Carla shook her head somewhat in protest and chuckled. “It’s fine, that’s what mates are for.”
The sentence slipped out before the brunette could stop it. The tone of the word ‘mate’ clearly punctuated in the night air. There was absolutely no denying how it sounded. She couldn’t claw it back or deflect from what meaning was laced behind it. But Lisa was had been pushing, being so kind and grateful for the gesture, almost like she was as deserving of it…
“Ah,” Lisa started, taking in every syllable of the brunettes words and absorbing the real meaning behind it. “That’s what’s been bothering you. That’s why you left the Bistro in such a hurry.”
Carla stayed still and silent. Her eyes had fallen to the ground but she was aware, without even casting a glance, that the blondes eyes were now on her, spying her suspiciously.
“Carla, please, don’t behave like this. When you have something to say I want you to say it.”
“Behave like what?” Carla asked. That statement had her curious. She slowly brought her eyes upwards and was surprised to see Lisa had stepped closer toward her. There was a look on her face Carla had not seen before. It was hard to read considering the added dimly lit street lighting they shared.
“Like the word ‘mates’ has gotten so far under your skin that you can barely even bring yourself to speak or even to look at me.”
The sentence didn’t really have any meaning but Lisa knew what she was trying to say. Indirectly she was asking if terming this thing between them as a friendship was the same word Carla wanted to use to describe this thing between them. To Lisa, it felt the safest way, to protect them both considering all the things that had happened that had left them both so fragile. If life were different, timings even, she’d be making the goal posts and taking a leap but being friends, considering how any more than that could break either one or both of them, seemed like a safe space for them to share right now. Lisa unfortunately had assumed Carla felt the same way.
“I thought we were… are friends? After, well you know, the-“
“Yep, I know, the moment I sent you fleeing down my stairs or out of the Bistro because you can’t bear for me to touch you.” Carla cut across bluntly.
“Wow, that was like being hit with a bat.” Lisa retorted. The strength of Carla’s words hit hard. Did she really think that was why she had run from those moments, because she didn’t want to be touched by her? This really was left field thinking to the same track Lisa has wrongly assumed they were on.
“I’m sorry if I repulse you.”
Carla felt brave now. One gin and greasy kebab later and apparently she was ready to take on a whole Lisa-shaped world.
“Carla, why are you saying these things?” Lisa questioned with severe concern. She took another step closer to the Brunette. They were barely inches apart now and Carla could feel heat radiating from Lisa’s chest and the smell of her soft, floral fragrance filling her senses. It was enough to make her feel dizzy. “Do you think I feel like that? That it doesn’t cause me to ache in many, many different ways when you put your hand on me.”
The silence was palpable. Lisa’s voice had dropped, almost to a husk as their breath mingled in the cold air. Carla swallowed her and felt the coating in her throat dry almost instantly. Braving the intensity of the moment, she lifted her eyes and met them against Lisa’s, of which seemed to have gone dark and filled with something else she had never seen before.
“I don’t know what you want. I’m not sure you’re ever honest with me. You always run away from anything that seems too far from safe.”
Lisa bit her lip. “Because safe seems easier than…” She trailed off, unable to locate the right to describe whatever this was or was becoming.
Carla reached a hand up slowly and dragged it through her hair. It was a telltale sign she was stressed and finding this moment particularly challenging. “I don’t know if I can keep taking the beating.” She finally replied. It was honest. Every time there seemed there could be opportunity for their feelings to surface, Lisa bolted, and every time, Carla took the hit and chose to come running back for more, almost as if to double check there wasn’t a chance this was more than just friendship. It was hard on her and becoming tiring.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise how much my behaviour was hurting you.”
It was surprise to Carla to hear an apology from the younger woman. They were only fleeting and almost so rare that Carla had come to accept Lisa almost never believed she was in the wrong.
“Maybe I’m just expecting too much considering this is all so… new to me.”
Lisa nodded gently. She understood what Carla meant. She’d been in this open state for so much of her life, it was easy to forget how hard it was accepting that if your preferences and desires differed from the day to day norms of society, it could quite challenging to accept. It also felt like a privellage that she was hearing these admissions from Carla too.
“This is going to sound cliche but I promise you, it really isn’t you Carla, this is all on me.”
Again, another surprising admission ringing in Carla’s ears. Was she hearing this right? Had she been so beyond wrong about why Lisa has behaved in all the ways she had? Christ, women were apparently much harder to read than what maybe she had first assumed, being a woman herself. She could feel the intense burn of Lisa’s gaze on her eye now, so aware she began to steadily dance the material of her open jacket, between her fingers, in attempt to slow down the thudding of her heart.
Lisa continued. “I am still dealing with some much, with work, with Betsy, after Becky… I just don’t know if can bring myself to allow myself to feel. You know, really feel. Even if try as I like I want to. More than you know.”
Carla swallowed hard again. “You’re protecting yourself, I guess I can see that.”
Lisa hummed and nodded. “Maybe I wasn’t making that obvious enough. I’m sorry if that’s the case. But please-“
Lisa bravely lifted her left hand and reached out to grab the edge of coat that was still lingering between Carla’s fingers. Their skin connected and it felt like the rest of the world around them shrank away. “Please don’t think that I feel anything but want. Because it’s killing me inside every moment I don’t act on how I really feel deep down.”
The moment was charged. Carla was struggling against the urge rising in her chest. Desperate to release every second of pent up feeling she was wrestling with but conscious that Lisa sounded almost as if she was saying to hold off. It was a struggle. So much tears were welling up into the corner of her eyes. It was the only way she felt she could safely release.
“Please don’t cry.” Lisa hushed softly, noting the wet glint on Carla’s left cheek under the street light. “I hate that I am making you feel this way.”
Carla sniffed softly. “I don’t cry, I’m not a crier, I just… God, I just want this feeling to leave me alone.
“What feeling?” Lisa asked with intrigue. She was whispering how. Their faces so close together that the smell of gin lingering in Lisa’s mouth could be smelt.
Carla stayed silent for a moment. Dare she speak again? The tears were choking her slightly. She became all too aware that Lisa’s hand was now inside the edge of the jacket, making its way around her side to her back, stroking slowly with a comforting intent. “What feeling? Tell me.” She asked again. It was impatient this time.
Carla tilted her head, their eyes meeting again and their lips inches apart. The desire that Carla felt like it was almost leaking from every pore of her skin. She had spent so much time consumed by this person, filled with a want that she had tried to dampen down and suppress. It had never once occurred to her that Lisa wanted this too but that she was guarding herself, rather than completely at the other end of the spectrum. Of course she wanted to respect that, she really did, but with their current closeness and the level of emotion running through her, to her core, it was become increasingly difficult.
Lisa was frozen almost. She wanted to pull away, deflect from this and keep herself isolated. She didn’t want to feel. She didn’t want to expose herself. And yet.
Her hand seemed to have a mind of its own, now making its way across Carla’s back and up towards her neck, shielded beneath the white shirt and waist coat combo she had selected to wear this morning. Her fingers brushed beneath the collar and she felt every inch of Carla’s body shiver against it. Lisa could not deny one thing - the pool of desire that had seeped its way into the centre between her thighs.
Tipping forward slightly on her left for, due to their height difference, Lisa’s mouth lingered beside Carla’s right ear. “I want to do something but I’m worried what it might mean.”
Carla couldn’t speak, her mouth too dry. She hadn’t felt like this for anyone in such a long time. The desire from them both was palpable and the moment, on the dark deserted street, almost the opportune moment for anything to occur. Lisa’s fingers were fully beneath the collar of the shirt now, caressing the side of Carla’s neck and she feels her legs wobbling, threatening to fall away at any second. “I can’t get you out of my mind, despite how much I keep telling myself I can’t want this. That you’re straight… That I can’t want you.”
Her legs really were struggling to hold her now. The sharp edge of Lisa’s clean cut thumbnail now scraping her collar bone. The tears had dried but a warming buzz had entered her state instead, filling every sense as each nerve in her body seemed to jostle at the sensation. Finally, she managed to find her voice, albeit small and rasping against the pulsing in her throat.
“We don’t have to do this.”
Lisa shook her head, the swish of the hair shafting across Carla’s cheek. “No we don’t.”
“If this is not what you want…”
“I want it. I just can’t tell you what it means.”
Carla licked her lip in anticipation. That seemed fair. Could she tell Lisa what it meant? She is wasn’t sure she could either. Nodding, she tipped her neck and adjusted it slightly, trapping Lisa’s fingers between the dip of her neck. The sensation was cooling - her fingers cold against the dampness of her skin from the anticipation building. Maybe this was okay for now and they would just deal with anything else tomorrow?
Reaching up her left hand, shaking, she collided with the cool material of the other woman’s jacket and grasped the material in her fingers. It was a signal, as she pulled slightly, that she wanted Lisa to follow her, taking some steps backward and breaking their hold, to the secluded space beside the salon. It was brave actually, Lisa mused, aware that her words were confusing compared to her actions so far during this conversation. Of course she followed, intrigued by the dark lustfullness that seemed to have suddenly seemed to have filled the Brunettes eyes. She watched with admiration as Carla leant herself against the cool brick, her left foot cocked, leveraging herself. It occurred to Lisa that maybe they were both having a struggle to stay standing.
“Are you sure you want this?” The blonde asked, coming to stop in front of the other woman, again so close that their bodies were now virtually inseparable in the space.
Carla nodded. She didn’t need words. Not now. They would complicate what seemed a completely free moment and worried her that they might holt proceedings. Instead, she returned her hand the edge of the coat she had earlier grasped, pulling Lisa even close toward her. The chests met and Lisa swore she could feel Carla’s heart almost jumping out of its cavity. Steadying herself, she extended her right arm, palm flat against the wall behind the Brunette, lifting her mouth and pressing it against the warmth of Carla’s cheek. It felt damp beneath them, considering the earlier tears, and the slightly salty residue that they had left behind sting against Lisa’s slightly cracked lip. Dragging her mouth slowly across the skin surface, she puckered them slightly, trailing a gentle drop on her nose, chin, other cheek.
Carla’s eyes were shut firmly, relishing in the sensation being provided by these actions. She couldn’t stop the small groan
escaping her mouth as Lisa then began to trail her mouth down against her chin and neck, resting on the apple of her throat and nipping gently. It served as a stark reminder that there was as passion here struggling against not wanting this to turn into anything too lustful in the exposure of this outside environment.
Lisa smirked upon hearing the noise illicting from the woman beneath her. Had she really been honest with herself when she had said so many time she couldn’t want this? Waking up, wet with sweat and breathing heavily every night for the last few weeks, lingering lewd thoughts in her mind regarding the very women currently beneath her fingers, was clearly a sign she shouldn’t have been trying to ignore. Carla in this very state was very much want she wanted. In fact, what she had been craving for so long, she had almost convinced herself it wasn’t.
“Can I kiss you?”
The question should have seemed odd to Carla, considering where the detectives mouth had most recently been exploring, but I didn’t. It summarised the very person Lisa was always trying to be. She never wanted to assume anything about Carla, happy to learn things as they went along, happy to take every ounce of who Carla was and process it, accept it. Including in this moment. Aware this was likely Carla’s first experience beyond the realm of a man and many differences between her and whatever she had been offered before.
Carla’s head was swimming. But for once not with anxiousness or worry. All the self doubt she had had before this moment seemed to have diminished. Even the thought of the fall out from stepping over this ever quickly disappearing line between them. “I’m worried I might faint if you don’t.” Came her whispered reply.
And just like that, months of moments or almost moments, of glances and elongated pauses, seconds of every forced time they had spend together just to be in one and others space, was gone.
Replaced by a raved passion previously so deeply suppressed, spilling out as their lips and their tongues met for the first time. It felt as though their entire existence beside one another, before this, hadn’t been real, but was now finally exposed for what it really was.
Lisa’s hands were everywhere. Taking in every millimetre of the woman beneath her. Filling every last inch of her self with the intoxicating sensation of Carla’s fingers in her hair and the smell of her familiar perfume in her nostrils. It seemed time paled to exist, until they broke away both breathless from the experience, needing to come up for air and to allow their passion to simmer slightly. It could have gone much further than that it had but both were aware, on so subconscious level, now was neither the place nor the time to complicate things ever further than this already had.
Lisa was struggling to regulate her breathing, still lingering over the top of Carla, her hands having come to rest on the other woman’s hips. Their foreheads resting against one and other. Lisa could feel Carla too was struggling to take stock of her what had just happened.
“Carla, I-“
“Ssh.” Carla whispered, reaching up a hand to press a finger to Lisa’s lips, before running this across her cheek and resting it against her chin, using her thumb for support. “Whatever you think you need to say, don’t, I know.”
Lisa felt awe in that moment. Carla was actually far more in step with her than she first given her credit for.
Peering briefly over Lisa’s shoulder, she said quietly against her left ear. “I think your taxi’s here.”
Lisa regained her composure and stood back. The loss of warmth from their closeness was felt by them both. Carla stood too, aware how stiff she had become pressed against the wall, and adjusted her jacket, collecting her bag from the floor that had fallen unceremoniously during their trist.
Turning away, Lisa almost found herself about to leave before rethinking her actions, again very aware of how that might present itself considering what had just happened. “Can I see you to-“
Carla shook her head. “Don’t overthink it. You know where I’ll be.”
Lisa nodded, pursing her lips before collecting her own bag which she had left on the bench, before striding off and climbing into the waiting vehicle. Her cold, packaged late night dinner left behind, unwanted.