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Eddie pressed play on the TV remote, resuming the past memories on the screen.
"C'mon Chris! We'll go in together."
Buck's voice filled the living room. A young Christopher popped up on the TV with Buck kneeling beside him. The sun glared on the camera, causing a brief flash of white and a fading rainbow. Blue ocean waves came into view as sparkling sand surrounded them.
"It's okay to be scared. We are right here with you."
Eddie took a sip of his beer and leaned further back on the couch. He stared at the screen blankly while his past self turned around the camera to face the ocean. The camera shook slightly as he propped it against their cooler, angling it to get a better view of the three of them.
"Okay, ready?"
"I think so," Chris said, sounding nervous but appearing calm.
"We got you, Chris. It's okay."
Eddie watched as past Buck smiled at him, eyes soft and squinting against the afternoon sun. They each grabbed one of Christopher's hands, Eddie on his left and Buck on his right.
"Here we go!" Buck exclaimed, taking strides toward the water together. Hand in hand, the three of them walked down the beach together. The ocean water lapped up the shore, smoothing the sand under its strong movement. Giggling and laughter filled Eddie’s empty living room.
"Ahh!" Christopher happily shrieked as the water touched their toes. Buck glanced over at Eddie, a worried expression lacing his features. Chris was taking the reintroduction to the ocean well, but the reality was, Buck was still very nervous. This water almost took everything from him. Eddie gave Buck a reassuring nod and a big smile. They continued walking into the blue water until it reached their knees.
"It's cold!" Chris whined, giggling. Buck laughed nervously, holding onto Christopher's hand extra tight as a wave pushed against them.
Eddie paused the TV, his eyes brimmed with tears. He stared at their past selves on the screen. Buck smiling joyfully at him as they waded into the water with his son, his anxiety visibly fading with each step. Buck holding onto Christopher's small hand, protecting him like he always does.
Eddie tossed the TV remote onto the coffee table and downed the rest of his beer. He couldn't break his eyes away from the screen. That first day back at the beach was so happy and hopeful. They planned that day for weeks, wanting to make sure Chris felt comfortable going to the pier after the tsunami. Eddie knew how important this was for him and Buck; the two most important people in his life. He knew he wanted to capture the moment on video and revisit it again and again. But now, he only felt jealousy. Jealous of his past self and how great things used to be.
"Fuck," Eddie swore, wiping the fallen tears from his face. He missed his son. The burn in his chest grew and festered. There's a hole inside him that swallowed every other emotion. His life without Christopher felt wrong and hollow. He wasn't sure how much longer he could live in this quiet house without him. It's just a house without his son in it.
A sudden sob escaped his throat and his shoulders shook as he cried. The empty bottle rolled from his lap and onto the floor with a thud. He pushed his palms into his eyes and stood quickly from the couch, staggering slightly. He needed to numb this feeling. Stumbling into the kitchen, he threw open the fridge and pulled out another beer. His last one. He screwed off the cap and gulped half the bottle in one swig. The liquid filled his stomach but did nothing to soothe the aching hole in his chest. More hot tears fell down his cheeks. He couldn't wipe them away fast enough. Anger boiled inside him as his sleeve became soaked with sorrow. Enough.
He pulled out his phone, briefly glancing at the time as he found Buck's contact. 12:53 A.M. He hesitated a moment before pressing call. Buck picked up on the second ring.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Buck," Eddie breathed, voice cracking. "I need..."
"On my way," Buck said. There was shuffling and a jingle of keys on his end of the line. "Are you okay?"
Eddie sighed heavily as he pressed his hand to his forehead, the phone almost slipping from his grasp. He stifled a sob the best he could, but it was taking him under with every breath. Thoughts were rattling around in his skull. He could hear Buck's car starting up in the background.
"Eddie, it's okay. I'm on my way. You're alright, you'll be alright."
A stream of burning tears flooded his face and dripped off his chin. Eddie slid down to the floor, his back leaning against the kitchen cabinets. His hands shook as he held the phone to his ear. His eyes caught the corner of the TV in the living room, the still image of Buck smiling and Christopher laughing. Eddie felt his heart shattering into a million pieces.
"Eddie, please say something so I know you're okay?"
"I miss him. Dammit. I miss him so much, Buck." Eddie covered his face with his free hand, unable to look at the TV screen filled with past memories that now haunt him.
"I know, I know. I miss him too."
Eddie could hear Buck's blinker in the background and hoped he'd be here soon. The voices in his head were screaming now, he'd do anything to shut them up. He chugged the rest of his beer and slammed the bottle on the ground. The loud clank and feeling of glass rattling in his hand grounded him for a moment, but it still wasn't enough.
"I-I can't do this without him. What's my purpose without my son here?" Eddie cried, standing up from the floor and wandering to the kitchen sink. He set his phone on the counter and turned it on speaker, needing to hear Buck’s voice.
"You're still his dad even if he's not at home with you, Eddie. He'll come home eventually, I know he will."
Eddie turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on his face. The cold felt refreshing on his hot skin. He scrubbed his face hard for a few seconds. He hoped the water would wash away the pain and his mistakes. Maybe even cool the jealousy of his past self and the burning rage of what he's done. It didn't. Yelling out of frustration, Eddie slammed his palms against the edge of the sink. More tears clouded his vision as he panted heavily, his lungs flaring. Cool tap water dripped from his chin and neck, mixing with fresh hot tears. His palms smacked the counter again, the stinging causing him to gasp. The sound of the running faucet hummed in his ears while the numbing metal of the sink seared his skin. Eddie gasped for air, unable to catch his breath anymore.
"Eddie! Eddie, please, come back to me. I promise, it's going to be okay!"
"I've failed him, Buck. I failed him!"
"No, no, Eddie, you didn't. You didn't. Just- Just hold on. I'm right around the corner."
Eddie's knees gave out and he was on the floor again, his legs pressed to his chest and arms wrapped around his knees. He buried his wet face into his legs and allowed his mind to crumble. Eddie sobbed quietly as the water splattered in the sink. He wished to wash down the drain, too. The front door unlocked and shut with a slam. Eddie couldn't find the energy to call for him. He knew Buck would find him. He always did.
"Eddie! Eddie? I'm here. Where are... you."
Eddie peeked at Buck standing in the kitchen. Just the sight of him brought more tears to his eyes. His Buck was here.
"Oh, Eddie," Buck sighed, stepping toward him. He swiftly turned off the kitchen tap before sitting down beside Eddie. He wrapped his thick arms around his best friend, rubbing his hands up and down Eddie's arms and shoulders.
"Hey, it's okay. It's okay, I promise. I'm here," Buck soothed, his voice low and calm. "Deep breaths in and out. Okay? In and out."
Eddie did as he was told, taking in a deep shaky breath and letting it out slowly. His mind became quieter with each intake and he felt his shoulders relaxing. Buck's warm hands running up and down his arms grounded him impeccably. Tears finally stopped spilling from his eyes and his head quit pounding. He listened to Buck's hushed reassurances and promises. Knowing that when he was in Buck's arms, nothing bad could happen to him.
"Thank you," Eddie whispered. Exhaustion weighed down his entire body. He gently rested his head on Buck's shoulder, who wrapped his arms tighter around him.
"Of course. I'm always here for you," Buck said, delicately resting his head on Eddie's.
"I feel like I failed Christopher. I messed up. Really bad," Eddie admitted. His voice caught in his throat, so he paused a moment before continuing. "I-I want him back here with me. I need him here. But I selfishly pushed him away and put my needs before his own. He-he hates me. I know he hates me."
Buck hushed Eddie as he cried again. His hand found the back of Eddie's head, his fingers moving through his hair in a comforting manner.
"Stop that. Christopher is a teenager and teenagers figure things out in their own ways. He doesn't hate you, Eddie. He's just looking for space."
"But why does that space have to be so far away? I wish I could see him in person, so he can't ignore me from across a screen."
Buck breathed a laugh. "Teenagers master the ability to ignore their parents in any situation, whether in person or not."
"Maybe. But, I'd feel better about it." Eddie said, wiping the tear streaks from his face. "I hope he comes back soon. I can't take this much longer."
"I hope he comes back too," Buck sighed. "But, you know, Chris is a strong and brave kid because a strong and brave father raised him that way. You'll see him again. Soon. I'm sure of it. But until then, I know you can do this."
They sat in silence for a few moments. Eddie listened to Buck's steady breathing in his ear. If it wasn't for his back starting to hurt, he could've fallen asleep just like this. Buck's comfortable arms wrapped around him, his fingers brushing the back of his neck, and their heads leaning against each other. The space between them was minimal and safe. The hole in his chest felt full for the first time in weeks. Eddie realized it must've been Buck-sized.
"I was surprised you answered," Eddie said, breaking the silence. "I know it's late."
"I was already up. I've been having trouble sleeping anyway." Eddie shifted, lifting his head to meet Buck's eyes.
"Trouble sleeping? What's keeping you up?" Buck's eyes searched Eddie's face, frowning slightly.
They were only a couple inches apart in this position. He found it hard not to shiver at how their breaths mingled together. Or, how his eyes kept peeking glances at his lips.
"I miss Christopher too."
Tears burned Eddie's eyes again, glazing over his view of Buck's worried expression. He blinked quickly to clear his vision. Eddie hadn't really considered how Buck was handling Christoper's move to Texas. He was too overwhelmed with his own grief to realize Buck was struggling too. Eddie's gaze landed on the TV across the room. The still frame of Buck, Chris, and Eddie brought a sad smile to his face. Buck has always been there for his son. He's basically his coparent. Screw that, actually. Chris is Buck's kid, too.
"I'm sorry, Buck. I should've talked with you about this sooner."
Buck shook his head. "No, no. I'm sorry. I thought maybe you wanted space and time to process things alone. I should've made sure you were okay."
Eddie's eyes softened at the man beside him. Buck has been so constant in their lives. What would they do without him?
"Thank you," Eddie whispered. "Thank you for being here."
"Always."
They studied each other closely, Eddie's eyes trailing over Buck's face in a brighter light. Just like from that warm beach day years ago to now, it's always been Buck. He's been the one there to save Christopher's life and even his own. He's protected the Diaz family like his own blood. Nobody else has sacrificed as much as Evan Buckley has. Blame it on the buzz from the beer or the endorphins clouding his better judgement, he needed to let Buck know exactly how much he means to him.
"I..." Eddie began, his gaze falling to Buck's parted lips. "I... love you."
Buck gave him a lopsided smile, his head tilting slightly. He leaned back carefully so his hands could reach Eddie's cheek and jaw. Buck’s fingers were incredibly tender and soft as he cupped his face. Eddie couldn't help but melt into his touch, a deep sigh escaping him. This felt like home.
Eddie leaned forward to rest his forehead against Bucks’, but their lips met instead. Eddie's eyes flew up, alarmed by the way his heart suddenly pounded against his ribs. He remained still, unsure when to back away and confused by how fast heat rushed to his face. Buck kissed him gently and slow, silently asking Eddie for permission. When Eddie still hadn’t moved, Buck pulled away, his cheeks pink.
"S-sorry," Buck whispered, frantic. He quickly untangled himself from Eddie and clamored to his feet. "I'm sorry, Eddie, I crossed a line. I shouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry."
"No, wait," Eddie pleaded, standing to his feet and catching Buck by his wrist. "Don't apologize. It's okay."
"No, it's not. We're friends and I'm supposed to be a friend right now."
Buck's face twisted in embarrassment, but Eddie didn't see it that way. Not at all. Buck wrung his hands out repeatedly, barely looking Eddie in the eyes anymore. Eddie couldn’t handle it.
"You're more than a friend," Eddie blurted out. "You've always been more. You're practically a dad to Christopher, Buck. You're more than family to me. So much more."
Buck stared back at him with worried, darting eyes. Eddie needed him to look at him. Needed him to know that he… liked how Buck kissed him. He didn't know how else to show Buck how much he meant to him.
Stepping forward, Eddie's hands found the back of Buck's neck and pulled him in. Eddie kissed him intentionally this time, letting him know exactly where he stands. Their lips moved softly against each other, Buck's hands resting at Eddie's hips. He almost couldn't believe how wonderful kissing Buck felt. He never expected this turn of events, but it feels like fate made it happen. Butterflies fluttered throughout his stomach and his fingertips tingled as he touched Buck's skin. Eddie slowly pushed Buck back against the counter, their lips barely separating once. His hands trailed down Buck's neck to his shoulders, feeling his muscles move beneath his shirt. Buck pressed closer into Eddie, his tongue teasing Eddie's bottom lip with each kiss. The sensation pooled in Eddie's stomach and bubbled beneath his skin. This feeling was almost too much.
Buck pulled back suddenly, licking his lips as his eyes glazed over Eddie's face.
"I love you, too."