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Till.
The name of the upperclassman in their small friend circle. The upperclassman that Ivan couldn’t help but set his eyes on the very moment he saw him. Which was a few weeks ago.
When he first saw Till sitting on that bench with his back to Ivan and scrolling through his phone, his first thought was that Till was a beautiful being. Mesmerizing, even. Now, weeks later, Ivan still thinks the same. As they sit around a picnic table at some park at night, drinking and talking, out in the cool autumn air, Till is the only thing that he sees. That he shows actual interest in.
The man is just simply… gorgeous. Cute. Cool. Beautiful. Handsome. And all the other words Ivan can’t afford to think of currently because he is so busy watching the other on the opposite end of the table. Till is telling a story at Mizi. Ivan can’t hear it over Hyuna, Hyunwoo, and Luka’s -very loud- conversation. Also, the sound of Sua watching reels next to him now that her girlfriend is not next to her, but as he can see, it must be a pretty engaging one. He silently notes in the back of his mind that Till uses his hands a lot when he speaks. His expression is always changing with every other word he utters.
Truly a piece of art to his eyes. Not that he understands art to begin with, but if he did, then Ivan is pretty sure Till would be a masterpiece.
It is the way Till frowns sometimes as he is speaking or the way he is scrunching up his nose when he laughs at something… Ivan finds himself gulping at the sight each time. In his hands, there is the metal tab of his canned beer, rolling the metal around and keeping his hands busy as his whole attention stays on Till. Because if he doesn't keep his hands busy somehow, he knows that he will end up gripping the edge of the table or something similar to that. That would definitely be suspicious.
In the midst of his gazing, he briefly wonders if Till knows how beautiful he is. Or the beauty he brings into Ivan’s life by merely existing. Honestly, if given the chance, Ivan would be more than delighted to have him know. What a shame they didn’t even properly meet. Yet.
They have been to the same places all thanks to his lovely-?- sister, who is also an upperclassman, but nothing more. Ivan is just watching and Till… Well, Ivan has no idea how he hadn’t noticed the intense staring of his all this time. No complaints though. He is content with being able to watch him without the other thinking he is a creep.
Then something happens.
Mizi says something, chuckling behind her hand as she does and it makes Till laugh. A genuine, whole-hearted laugh. The melodic sound of it reaches Ivan’s ears over the loud chatter of his friends. It leaves him to wonder if they are all hearing the same thing, how the hell the others are so chill about it. Because his heart surely does something funny in his chest. So funny that his fists clench at the feel of it.
The way Till looks at Mizi softens in the next second and Ivan feels, more than sees, the darkness oozing out from his sister's frame right next to him. Oh, so, Sua wasn’t watching those annoying videos at all. Makes sense.
Though, his mind doesn’t actually linger on Sua. He is more focused on how he wishes, needs , to see Till looking at him like that. Or Till looking at him any other way, really. Ivan is not picky. He just wants those teal eyes on him. Looking at him. Seeing him. Acknowledging his existence.
God, if he could, Ivan would definitely crawl into his ribcage and make it his new home.
Normally, Ivan wouldn’t have a problem with approaching someone. He is shameless like that. He would just wear his perfect smile and strike up an easy conversation like he did for so many years. However, there is something about Till. Something that makes him hesitate. Something that forces him to keep his distance.
It is not just the way Till looks. No. It is more than that. It is the way he feels. It all feels like it won’t feel the same if Till’s actions are directed at him. Like, Ivan is not worth the amount of life and beauty Till carries with him. Nevertheless, he can’t stop thinking about him, looking at him whenever he can. Ivan is well aware he is openly staring at a person he has no ties with other than their friend group. He doesn’t care.
Till has this gravity around him. To Ivan, it feels like a black hole because he is not able to avoid it. Not like he has any means to, either.
All he knows is that everything Till does; every smile, every new expression, the tone of his voice, the way he cares for his friends… Everything about him is just pulling Ivan closer and closer, getting him somewhere mentally where he is becoming unable to spend a moment of his life without thinking about him. Lately, Till is slowly becoming everything there is to Ivan. From the second he opens his eyes to the moment his mind wanders off to the dreamland… Till is everywhere. Even in his dreams. A few of them. Mostly inappropriate ones. Where he has-
Suddenly, he flinches with a nudge to his knee, coming to his senses. He faintly hears the rushed whispering of Sua. She is slightly leaning towards him “Ivan,”
But instead of looking at her, Ivan feels irritated because she intervenes in his openly yearning session. Not really caring about what she has to say, he quickly shushes her. Immediately gaining a harder, and a more painful nudge to his side. He turns to Sua with a frown, whispering back. “What?”
Sua doesn’t say anything further, but Ivan can see it in her eyes that she has so much to say to his snapping. How convenient they are in public and Mizi is within earshot.
Instead of saying whatever she has on her mind, she swallows them down with a sigh and points at his hands. It takes Ivan an embarrassing amount of time to realize she wants him to look down. When he does, he sees red.
Like, literal red.
Apparently, his yearning session was rather intense tonight because there is blood, a lot of blood, covering his hands. It is oozing from the various shallow cuts, dripping down to the ground and disappearing in the grass. Ivan holds his breath as he takes in the sight, with the culprit lying in the middle of his palm. He didn’t even feel a single thing. Not even a sting.
Distantly, he hears Sua say, “fucking dumbass,” before placing her phone on the table and turning to the other side. Ivan finds himself unable to understand how this can happen. How can he be so absorbed in Till that he doesn’t even notice the tab cutting his hands multiple times in a row? That is bad. Very bad.
The sting only makes itself known now that he sees the cuts. It makes him scrunch his face up in discomfort. As he is making plans of just wiping the blood on his black jeans and call it a day, the pure white of a tissue paper enters his line of vision. Ivan turns to see Sua holding it out for him under the table, though she is not looking at him at all. With a small smile, he takes it.
It doesn't take long before that oblivious, melodic laugh fills his ears again and his attention is once more moved onto the main source of his newly gained injuries. They still hurt as hell but Ivan can't bring himself to care, only paying half mind when Sua lets out a weary sigh with a shake of her head.
*
A few days pass and at the end of the class, Mizi approaches him. She wears a knowing smile on her face, which makes Ivan uncomfortable. Still, he smiles back as she falls into step with him.
“A little birdie told me you are down bad for Till.”
“Of course, she did.”
Mizi giggles, not denying it, and honestly, Ivan is a little surprised that Sua took this long to tell Mizi about it. He watches as she moves her gaze down for a moment before her smile widens and her eyes shine with an excited glint.
Suddenly, wrapping both her arms around Ivan’s left arm, Mizi clings to his side. One of her hands slides down to raise his hand and inspect his healing injuries closer. “Oh my… I didn’t think it’d be this bad. Ivan, you sure you weren’t having a seizure? Like… Didn’t you feel it? At all?”
“I didn’t,” Ivan confirms, clenching his fist and then flexing his fingers once before dropping his hand once again. There is more to this conversation than this. He can feel it.
Mizi shakes her head, looking a bit more serious now. She takes a few seconds to think of what to say and then shrugs. “Then… why don’t you try talking to him? Till’s a cool guy- though, you know it better than I do, I suppose.”
Ivan side-eyes her.
Mizi presses her lips together when she looks back, holding back a smile. It takes her three sharp tries of cleaning her throat to swallow it down and continue. “I mean- He doesn’t bite, you know? I think he’d be down for a nice conversation.”
Well, Mizi is right. Ivan already knows that. He knows everything about Till. From the instruments that he can play to his weekly schedule.
However, instead of telling this to Mizi, or talking about how he feels like he doesn’t even deserve to step on the soil Till has walked through before, Ivan shrugs. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know what?”
Mizi blinks at him, he lets out a sigh. “I don’t know how to talk to him.”
There is silence between them for a moment. Then it is gone in a blink when Mizi bursts into laughter. She looks up at Ivan as she covers her mouth with the back of her hand. Ivan is clenching his jaw by the time she collects herself enough to speak. “Don’t tell me… Are you nervous? Really?”
He wants to glare at her. He really does, but knows it won’t be of any use. To be honest, Ivan kind of gets her reaction. Because Ivan? Feeling nervous? Nah… It is not something that just happens to him. Ivan doesn’t get nervous. He never did before.
And Mizi knows this because,
unfortunately
, they have been friends since middle school.
Then, out of the blue, Mizi tugs at his sleeve. Guiding him in a different direction from their original one. Ivan frowns at the sudden change, not having a good feeling about this. “Mizi, what are you-“
“If you can’t talk to him by yourself, I’ll be your matchmaker.” She answers even before hearing the end of his question. “Just dare and try to leave or argue… I’ll make you stand on the corner while I tell Till all the embarrassing details about your miserable ass, plus your pathetic crush.”
Eyes widening at the uncalled-for threat, Ivan watches at the back of her head as she walks ahead, voice not louder than a murmur. “You wouldn’t…”
When Mizi turns to look at him over her shoulder with a smile, he feels a shiver down his spine. “I would.”
Oh…
She would.
Opting to shut up for the rest of the way and letting Mizi guide him all she wants, Ivan gulps. Holy shit. This wasn’t in his plans. He is definitely not ready for this. What should he say? How should he introduce himself? Does he even have to introduce himself? Probably not because they are already in the same friend group, right? Right?
Or maybe he should just leave that part to Mizi. She said she would be their matchmaker, didn’t she? So, Ivan can trust her to start a conversation. It already seems like she is getting along with Till really well.
But, damn it, it doesn’t make anything better. Ivan doesn’t have the slightest idea about how to behave, forgetting all about his manners. Would it be too much if he got on his knees and showed him how much he worships him? Yes, he distantly thinks. It would be too much for the first meeting. Maybe later.
However, the moment they are in front of Till’s building, all of his thinking process comes to a sudden halt. Until the second Mizi stops in front of a door that has a “Music Room” sign next to it, all Ivan can hear is a static buzz and the concerning rate of his heartbeat in his ears.
Practically forcing himself, he takes in a deep breath. It will be fine. Mizi is with him. She will take care of the conversation. He doesn’t have a reason to feel nervous. It is just a conversation. A conversation with the most beautiful human being he had ever laid his eyes on. Nothing big. He can handle it.
In the midst of his thinking, he faintly realizes he is being pushed through the door and there he is. Till. Sitting in a corner of the room with his guitar on his lap and some papers in his hand. He looks so beautifully focused on them until he gets distracted by their unannounced arrival. Teal eyes rise to settle on them. Ivan stops breathing.
Then, the hand that is pushing him disappears from his back. Ivan sees Mizi waving her hand to Till from his peripheral vision. When she also disappears from his line of sight, Ivan barely registers it to question.
“Hi, Till! Ivan said he had something to ask you, so I brought him. See you around!”
Without even giving Till a chance to respond, the door clicks shut behind Ivan. That is the exact moment he understands that he is betrayed.
So, he just stands there, wide-eyed and frozen as Till’s eyes move between him and the door. However, they settle on him not long after. The weight of that single gaze feels like tons of bricks in the middle of his chest.
Ivan wants to crawl under a desk and scream. Or vanish from existence right here and now. Preferably the latter.
“So…” Till breaks the silence first, tilting his head and causing his messy hair to fall into his face. Maybe it is a good time to get on his knees and worship, after all. “You have a question?”
It takes him a while to register the question before trying to answer. Yet, he doesn’t trust his voice. At all. He nods.
Now, focusing all his attention on Ivan, Till puts the papers away. He leans back on his chair, a hand resting and dangling over his guitar. Ivan thinks about how delicate his fingers look and how good they would look aroun-
“Alright, shoot.”
Gulping with a, hopefully, subtle flinch, Ivan looks back at his eyes. Then looks around because he has no idea about what to say. It takes a second before his eyes land on the cello right next to Till. Yes, not on the guitar on his lap, but the cello resting against the wall. Great choice. Ivan knows. He also knows Till can play the cello. So, he utters the first thing that comes to mind. “I, uh… Can you teach me how to play the cello?”
Second the words leave his lips, Ivan tries his hardest not to cringe at himself. Real smooth, Ivan. Real fucking smooth.
There is an uncomfortable silence for a while. Till’s brows are raised. Ivan expects him to laugh it off and when Till’s lips curve upwards a little, he is almost sure he is going to laugh at him. Though, it doesn’t happen. Instead, a repressed smile forms on Till’s lips. Clearly amused but not in a ridiculing way. “You… want to learn how to play cello?”
Ivan gulps for nth time. His simple response comes out as a question. “Yes…?”
The smile on Till’s lips gets even more obvious. He presses his lips together before giving a response. And oh god… Ivan just wants to grab that face and kiss him silly.
“I wouldn’t say I’m good enough to teach, but-”
“The guitar is fine too.” Ivan cuts him off before he can stop himself. Even about to slap himself when Till freezes for a moment before letting out a quiet chuckle, shoulders shaking but no sound is made.
“That one I can do,” he says this time. Ivan thinks he is imagining it when teal eyes soften. “You have a guitar?”
Oh…
He didn’t think this far ahead.
“…No.”
As if expecting this answer, Till really laughs this time. Something in Ivan’s chest clenches painfully and he watches as Till sets his guitar to the side, standing up and approaching him. The amused glint in his eyes gets clearer with every step he takes. Ivan curses himself for being such a dumbass.
When Till stops, it’s only a few feet away from Ivan. He leans against the piano next to him, crossing his arms over his chest. “You don’t even have a guitar and you’re asking me to teach you?”
Despite the words, it doesn’t feel like Till is making fun of him. Instead, the tone he speaks in carries a certain warmth in it. Still, it doesn’t help with the rising panic in Ivan. “I can- uh… I was planning on getting-“
“Ivan.”
The sound of his name through Till’s lips makes him stop immediately. His breath gets stuck in his throat. Such a pretty voice. Ivan feels the burn in his stomach as the butterflies take flight all at once. Blissfully unaware of his internal war of doubling down from the intensity of the feeling, Till continues. “What about we just get a coffee instead?”
Butterflies turn into elephants. All of them.
“Coffee?” Ivan repeats, feeling very intelligent.
“Coffee,” Till confirms with a nod, fighting back a smile. “I don’t think your hands are in any condition to play guitar any time soon. Also… you’re not exactly being subtle, you know?”
Ivan’s poor mind can’t seem to decide if he wants the ground to swallow him whole, or if he wants to jump up and down screaming like a high school girl. In the end, he opts to nod. “Uh, yes… Coffee sounds good. Yeah…”
Till’s smile widens. “Great! Then… See you later?”
He nods. Maybe a little too fast because it makes Till chuckle. Ivan feels like staying in this room is fraying his few remaining nerves, so he steps back towards the door. Eyes still on the other. “Yeah… I’ll see you.”
Before he goes out fully, Till gives him a cute, little wave. Then the door clicks shut and Ivan suddenly registers everything with it.
He stays in the hallway. Hand still on the door’s handle.
He just lost all of his dignity.
He also gained a date with the person he is obsessed with.
Ivan doesn’t know how to react. Nor how he should react. Though he knows what to do when bright pink hair appears in his peripheral vision. He turns to Mizi slowly. Whatever expression he has, makes Mizi let out a small scream and move away from him with fast steps and a series of giggles.
“You little shit, come here!”
Ivan runs after, determined to catch her and give her a big fat kiss on the cheek when he does. Of course, out of Sua’s sight. He has to be alive for his date, after all.