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How could I ever ask for forgiveness for a sin I never knew I would be able to commit?
Why can’t I stop seek the danger as an excuse to set my adrenaline free?
Why can’t I understand the anomaly I became?
„Are you okay, darling?“
I don’t wanna lie.
„Yes, yes. I’m… I’m fine, miss Keys.“
But I don’t face the truth.
These hands. These shaking burnt hands have made a mistake. I bit my lip and close my arms, feeling sweat getting hotter and hotter on my palms, my fingers strongly grabbing my sleeves and quickly letting go, as I feel the warmth.
I am a danger to myself.
To everyone.
To the Devil's Tongue.
To miss Lori Keys.
Why do I feel like a monster? Why can’t I be like my sibling more? They would know what to do. They’re a genius…
Of course.
„I’m taking a five-minute break!“ I raise my voice at Miss Keys, currently busy with a person, that caught her interest, just like my act of desperation. She looks at me, her lips moving with their black and green coat, but I don’t listen. I rush to the back door.
A snowflake kisses my nose, as I step into the cold. It’s nothing but darkness met with falling stars of winter.
The snow is a beautiful prison for my fire.
I step out, moving to the corner of Devil's Tongue met with a street lamp. I take out phone, it’s bright red color cutting through the muted palette of the outside. As my thumb taps on their icon, I bring the phone closer to my ear. First ring.
Come on.
Second ring.
Fuck, it’s cold.
Third ring.
I didn’t bring my gloves. Which would be useless anyway, they’re fingerless.
Fourth ring.
I keep the phone between my head and my right shoulder, as I try to warm up my hand, blowing outing hot air at them. It helps quickly. My blood flow changes the feeling of my entire body,as if it turned into hot water. God, I could use a shower– focus!
Fifth ring.
Please, pick up. I need you. I need you more than ever.
Sixth.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Seventh.
A whole orchestra is calling for your name.
Eighth.
Calling to hear your voice. Reaching for your hug. But, sibling…
Ninth.
You never give me a chance.
Tenth.
Just give me one more chance.
I hang up, feeling my appearing in the corner of my eye, as soon as it touches my skin, it turns into a small steam. Oh lord.
Why am I so afraid of myself? I never seeked an answer of an outside. Outside of this world, a thought too complex to exist for us, but if someone can hear me, I ask of you to please help me and my sibling. Wherever they are, they don’t need my help anymore. They don’t need me.
I am so pathetic.
My body falls on my knees, the weight of memories growing heavier, unbearable to hold in. My fingers brush through the roots of my hair, the heat slowly swallowing every single one to turning into the brightest light. A light so sharp, a warmth so hungry. It’s blaze twisting and playing into the wildest shapes, playing tricks and games, as its smile turns down, once my hair returns with my actual color.
My throat's tight, my cheeks hot and steamy. I brush my fingers against my face and painful eyes. I must’ve cried during the outburst. If my sibling was like this, they would never cry. They would stand up and walk. Walk towards the answer and run towards the question.
So why can’t I do the same?
You’re not as good as them.
I know. And one day, they’ll be gone. And wherever I will look, there will be a memory. And thats scares me.
„Honey? Conley, are you there?“ My head spins from how fast I turn around. I catch myself against the wall and look at over rich coat with snake pattern. She holds my own with a dirty brown color. Her heels make a comforting sound and her hands help me cover in my coat. „You're gonna freeze here.“ The neon lights of the sign of the bar swap between pink and green, contrasting their wild joy with her worry. „Come in. Then we can go to my place and talk about it. Sounds good?“
I nod, as she softly smiles at me. Lori was my boss, but she was my friend too. I can't hide my true emotions around her. She smiles further, sensing my body heating up again.
Her friendship is the dearest to me.
But unfortunately, I always choose my sibling.
Even if I am the dumb, reckless outsider. Even if I am the “ungrateful bastard”. Even if I am the unwanted beggining of our family.
They know that I would set myself on fire for them.