Work Text:
Summer 1912
Ellwood had asked Gaunt to meet him in town to pick up new pens and a notebook for his poetry. Like a fool, Gaunt had suggested inviting Maud along, and of course, Ellwood was thrilled about it. Gaunt couldn’t stand how much Ellwood adored her; it drove him wild with jealousy. He knew it was unfair, but every time he tried to talk with Maud, he felt angry and embarrassed and could not speak, words just got stuck in his throat. He was afraid his overwhelming urge to confess his feelings for Ellwood would break free of his control. Furthermore, he wanted to drop to his knees and plead with her to forget about Ellwood. He knew it was pointless—Ellwood would never love him the way he longed for.
Really Gaunt was trying to be kind. Father would not have allowed Maud in town alone, afraid of some loss of virtue nonsense.
“…and that is what Winifred tells me anyway. You remember my friend Winifred Kempton?” Maud asked and Gaunt nodded. “Henry? Are you alright?”
“Yes, I'm fine.” He replied dully.
“Are you sure?"
“Yes”
“You know when we were 12, Winifred was convinced you were going to marry her,” Maud laughed.
This comment made Gaunt feel empty. A life like that would have been nice, but he realised he could never find it fulfilling long ago. Why did this idea make Maud laugh? Did she know something? Suspect it?
“Sidney!” Maud called, and Gaunt was jolted from his thoughts.
Ellwood waved from down the road and jogged to meet them.
“Gaunto! How are you keeping?” Ellwood greeted with a smile, then turned to Maud. “And Maud, you look absolutely gorgeous, as always.”
“Oh stop it, you're trying to make me blush!” Maud replied red-faced and giggling after a breath continued, “That’s awful kind of you to say, Sidney.”
Sidney this and Sidney that, every time she called him by his Christian name, it scratched under Gaunt's skin.
Ellwood turned to look at Gaunt.
“I'm grand, Cheers!” Gaunt tried to sound cheerful, but it came out flat.
They started walking towards The Elegant Envelope, a shop at the end of the road selling paper, notebooks, books, and other stationery; they also had sweets available at the front. Ellwood had once told Gaunt that Mr. Harris, the man who ran the shop, didn't like Ellwood because of his dark features and Jewish heritage. Gaunt recalls telling Ellwood “Oh that's not true, I'm sure he loves you, you are one of his best customers!”. Ellwood sighed, but the more Gaunt thought about it, Ellwood was right.
Upon remembering this, Gaunt turned left at the intersection. He steered the group towards The Paper Boutique, a similar shop run by Mildred Acker, a Jewish woman in her 40s. Originally ran with her husband, but he passed from scarlet fever last May.
“Where are we going?” Maud asked.
“Ellwood needs paper and pens.”
“Yes, I'm aware. We always go to The Elegant Envelope ?”
“I wanted to try somewhere new” Maud shrugged and Ellwood looked at him strangely.
When Maud walked a little ahead, Ellwood faced Gaunt and said, “Are you alright?”
“I'm fine”
“I know you're fine, but are you alright?”
“Elly…” Gaunt sighed, there was no explaining what was upsetting him. “Yes. Why do you never believe me?”
“There lives more faith in honest doubt, /Believe me, than in half the creeds,” he quoted.
Ellwood knocked his arm into Gaunt's, Gaunt smiled, and then he walked a little faster to catch up with Maud.
Ellwood looked uncertain as they walked into The Paper Boutique. Gaunt knew Ellwood had always felt conflicted on the topic of his Jewishness. Gaunt never knew how to help with this, he felt useless. He was sure Ellwood knew what he was doing now, and suddenly he was embarrassed.
“Hello, Mrs. Acker!” Called Ellwood, conflict was replaced by his charming smile as they entered the shop.
“Welcome gentlemen, oh and you as well Miss! Sidney, please call me Millie” the woman in the shop responded.
“Of course Millie! This is my dearest friend Henry Gaunt he truly is the best, and his beautiful sister Maud.”
Hearing his first name out of Ellwood's mouth made Gaunt feel exposed. Dearest and best, left him feeling overheated like his face was on fire. It nearly distracted him from the bitter taste left by the compliment for his sister.
“Well, feel free to shop around and let me know if you need any help!”
“Thank you!” said Maud.
“Yes! Thank you, Mrs. Acker.” agreed Gaunt.
“Do you know her?” Maud whispered to Ellwood.
“Um… yes, my mother shops here sometimes,” Ellwood spoke, shifting his weight and avoiding her gaze. He turned and began looking at a shelf of different notebooks. Maud went to the back wall to look at some greeting cards with poetic quotes.
Ellwood was far more relaxed than he'd ever been at Mr Harris' shop. Mrs. Acker did not follow Ellwood around the shop giving him a shifty gaze, or mutter things under her breath like Mr. Harris did. She did not usher her daughter into the back when Ellwood entered the store. Gaunt didn't even realise how much Mr Harris was doing until he didn't see it done. He supposed this was just an ignorance he had that Ellwood did not have the privilege to overlook.
Gaunt focused on the back of Ellwood's neck, noting the two moles below his hairline and one behind his left ear. While Ellwood's shoulders were not as broad as his own, they were still toned and strong from playing cricket. Gaunt's eyes trailed down Ellwood's arms and thought of his hands, he had strong, always ink-stained hands. His gaze shifted to Ellwood's backside. Ellwood spun around suddenly, and made eye contact with Gaunt, for a brief second it appeared like Ellwood was smirking. Gaunt was all too aware of everything, his breathing (deep and slow), his hands (in fists at his side), his clothes (suddenly restricting), his eyes (looking too deeply into Ellwood’s, he looked away immediately). His face felt hot, could Ellwood see this? Oh, God! Please no! He'd rather be shot than Ellwood figure out how he felt.
“I think this one is suitable,” said Ellwood, holding up a moleskin notebook. “I'd like to pick out a nice fountain pen as well.”
“Beautiful…. The notebook I mean” Gaunt stuttered “Maud!”
“Yes?” She called holding a poetry collection.
“I'm going for a smoke. Meet me outside when you're done,” Gaunt replied, rushing out the door and patting his pockets for his matches. Maud nodded. The last thing he heard was Ellwood talking to Maud “Oh Masefield, have you read Tennyson?”
Gaunt leaned against the brick wall outside with a cigarette between his lips, hand trembling he still managed to light a match. Then his cigarette. Taking a slow deliberate drag, the smoke filled his lungs. He felt the warmth of the familiar ritual spread through him, momentarily easing the tension in his chest. Each exhale pulled him further from his racing thoughts. Gaunt had likely been overthinking it all. He did feel some shame around his desires, he knew it was unnatural, but it felt as if there was no other way of being. Truthfully, he knew Ellwood would never hate Gaunt because of his attraction to men, after all, Ellwood had his own eccentricities. But Gaunt was sure he would never speak to him again if he knew how all-consuming his adoration for Ellwood was. Especially because Ellwood would marry Maud in a few short years. All while Gaunt stood beside him as best man. Gaunt would become a sad bachelor lusting after his sister's husband.
As he finished his cigarette, he looked up at the shop across the road, Tailored & Topper. A handsome young Indian man left the shop.
“Gideon!” Gaunt called “GIDEON DEVI!” he called louder.
“Henry Gaunt!” Devi called back, his face broke out into a huge smile as he turned to walk towards him.
A few years ago, Gaunt found himself hopelessly infatuated with Gideon Devi, his closest friend at Grinstead. Their friendship overshadowed the ruthless bullying Gaunt faced from the older boys so much that Grinstead was always a place he remembers fondly. Devi was handsome then and still now with dark eyes, neatly styled hair, and well-tailored clothes. It was attractive, but Gaunt didn't feel that intense all-consuming longing he had when he was 13. That space was now occupied by Ellwood. Even though his crush had faded, Gaunt could still recall the butterflies and excitement he felt around Devi back then. Devi reached his arms around Gaunt, so naturally Gaunt hugged him back without question. It had been a long time since anyone had hugged him. At this moment the door of The Paper Boutique opened behind him. Ellwood and Maud came out.
“Oh. Hello Maud! It has been a while, but you are still looking as lovely as ever.” Devi greeted her, then turned to Ellwood and introduced himself.
“Ellwood,” Ellwood replied, frowning. Gaunt had told Ellwood about Devi before.
“Well, it's nice to meet you. Henry and I were the best of friends when we were young.” Devi said.
“Yes, school would have been hell without Gideon,” Gaunt agreed. Ellwood crossed his arms, and his frown deepened as he glared at Devi. Gaunt would have never admitted to it, but it brought him satisfaction. Gaunt had learned it upset Ellwood that he would not call him by his first name, nor allow Ellwood to call him ‘Henry’ A small smile appeared on Gaunt's face as he thought of Ellwood being territorial over him, even if it was only in friendship.
“What are you doing here Gideon?” Gaunt glanced at Ellwood as he said ‘Gideon’ Ellwood's jaw tightened.
“My father has some business in town, and we are staying with my aunt.” Devi looked at Ellwood. What was he looking at Ellwood for? Almost like he was looking at something he hadn't placed yet. Gaunt had a brief fear that Devi had something to say about Ellwood’s heritage, but quickly, he reassured himself that Devi wasn't like that.
“How Long?” Ellwood asked.
“4 days, we've just arrived yesterday,” Devi replied. Devi's father sometimes would have a series of early meetings. During the summer, he always dragged Devi with him and stayed with Devi’s aunt to avoid taking the early train every day. During their first year at Grinstead Devi had complained about it, but once they learned how close his aunt's house was to Gaunt's, his attitude changed, and they would take full advantage of their few summer days together.
“How wonderful! Why didn't you write to me to let me know?” Gaunt questioned.
“Father only told me at the last minute, I would have arrived before the letter.” Devi shrugged, “Well Henry we ought to catch up”.
“Well, maybe you could join us?” Gaunt suggested and looked back at Maud who was nodding with a smile.
“I am sure he has plenty to do,” Ellwood responded, talking to Gaunt, not Devi. Gaunt took note of how stiff Ellwood's posture was.
Still smiling Devi directed his answer to Ellwood who only frowned further. “Actually I haven't. I only meant to drop off my father's suit for repair. I have some free time before I head back. Where to next?”
“Well, I've got to get a new pair of boxing gloves,” said Gaunt
“Excellent, let go then,” said Devi
Maud and Ellwood began walking side by side far enough in front that Gaunt couldn't make out their conversation but could hear Ellwood laughing. It was not Ellwood’s carefree laughter exactly, it was more…well Gaunt wasn't sure. Whatever Maud had said it must have been hilarious. That gnawing bitter feeling was strong in his stomach again. He was looking at the back of Ellwood’s hair again. Ellwood always kept it slicked back, but it looked like a curl had come loose behind his ear. Gaunt found Ellwood’s natural hair exceedingly attractive however he only got to see it early in the morning or late after Ellwood showered. Under no circumstances should he be thinking about Ellwood showering right now. Suddenly Devi’s waving hand snapped him out of his thoughts.
“—ery? Henry?” said Devi. When Gaunt looked at him, he added “Thought I had lost you for a minute.”
“Yes, I apologise. I was distracted” said Henry, feeling the blush climb his cheeks.
“I could see that,” Devi grinned. Devi was always grinning or throwing looks at Gaunt that he could never quite decipher the meaning from. Always like Devi knew something and it made Gaunt feel exposed. He changed the subject and in a much lower voice asked, “Still having issues with the other boys at Preshute?” That was one of the things he had told Devi in his letters, he didn’t plan to, but Devi had asked. Gaunt said ‘ The same sort of boys from Grinstead were in Cemetery house too’, he didn’t tell him the specifics. Devi replied with ‘ Ah must be a staple of boys' public education’.
“It's not so bad.” Gaunt forced a smile.
“Are you standing up for yourself?” asked Devi.
“Yes, I am.” For the most part, anyway. Gaunt could fight against beatings in the hallway or cruel things said to him, but he could not fight against the things he was called into studies and dark rooms for. But that was also not the sort of thing boys talked about. Even if they did, Gaunt definitely couldn't. Gaunt had been hoping his growth spurt would deter the older boys in the coming year.
“Of Course you are! Look at you, you're a giant!” Devi exclaimed. He wrapped his arm around Gaunt’s shoulders and pulled him down then with his other hand ruffled his sandy hair. Gaunt's smile was real then. Ellwood glanced back at them. Was that the first time Ellwood did that? Did Ellwood keep looking back? Gaunt shook that thought from his head as they approached the Crown & Cricket; it was a shop known for cricket supplies but sold other sports equipment as well. Ellwood and Maud slowed their pace and Devi and Gaunt caught up.
“Tell me, Ellwood, does Henry spend all his days talking about how dearly he misses me?” Devi joked and Gaunt's ears went pink.
“No, He must have forgotten you entirely.” Ellwood joked back, but his tone lacked the warmth in Devi’s.
Devi laughed and opened the store door allowing Maud in first, “Well, he is never short of things to tell me about you.”
“Oh really?” Ellwood turned and looked at Gaunt with a smirk.
“Oh yes! Oh, Gideon! Ellwood wrote the most beautiful poetry… Oh, Gideon! You should have seen Ellwood’s cricket game last night. He was so good… Oh, Ellwood this and Ellwood that! ” Devi replied in an impression of Gaunt. Well dramatic, not entirely inaccurate to letters he gushed about to Devi in his first year at Preshute.
Ellwood put his hand to his chest, “Oh Gaunto, I didn't know you were such a fan.” The tone was joking but the smile on Ellwood’s face was huge and genuine. Maud was laughing.
“Don’t laugh Maud! He's making it all up!” Gaunt's tone was more defensive than he intended it to be. Maud did not stop but hid her laugh behind her palm. Gaunt turned around and headed straight for the boxing gloves while Ellwood was caught on the cricket equipment. Devi was talking with Ellwood, but Gaunt wasn't paying attention; instead, he was trying on a pair of gloves, and Maud tried on a pair.
“You reckon I'll be good at this?” Maud asked.
“Well, you are putting that one on the wrong hand,” Gaunt said.
“Oh shut up!” She laughed, switched her gloves and punched his chest. Gaunt laughed and returned the hit to her shoulder. They began to hit each other back and forth, never hard enough to cause pain.
“Get him, Maud!” Devi called.
Gaunt looked over at Devi and Maud hit him softly in the side of his face. “That was not fair!” he said.
“You should have been paying attention,” she said, pulling her boxing gloves off and placing them back on the shelf. They were both laughing; it was nice to feel like children again. “So I've won?”
“Yes, you win,” Gaunt conceded, still laughing.
“Maybe I ought to become a professional”
“Girls don’t really understand boxing properly, besides nobody wants to watch girls fight,” Ellwood said. Maud just gritted her teeth and rolled her eyes. They finished shopping and Gaunt checked out with his new boxing gloves and Ellwood got a pair of batting gloves.
Devi and Maud walked beside each other Devi was telling her about how flying machines would be as common as trains one day and she was asking about the mechanics behind it all. Maud was always smarter than people gave her credit for, especially Ellwood. Not Devi though, Devi always talked with Maud about complicated subjects and he valued her thoughts. He ought to speak with Ellwood about that, but he couldn't bring himself to, he didn't want to hear Ellwood talk about Maud. It made him a truly terrible brother. He should be looking ahead, but instead, he was looking at Ellwood.
“As common as trains?” Ellwood laughed “That will never be the case, the engine on those things can give out anytime sending you plummeting to the ground”.
“In time they fix those issues.” Devi dismissed with a hand wave and turned back to Maud.
Ellwood turned his head and nudged Gaunt with his elbow. “You think you’ll ever get up in one of those?”
“No. I'm too big, I'll never fit.” Gaunt quipped.
Ellwood laughed. The back of Gaunt's had brushed against Ellwood. Sometimes he wondered what it would be like to take it. He and Ellwood hand in hand, thinking of it made him feel warm, but there wasn’t another person who would see it that way; it was an abomination, a perverted act, although Gaunt knew it wasn't, it couldn’t be, it was the most gentle and pure thing Gaunt could imagine. Fuzzy and warm feelings turned hollow and longing when Ellwood jerked his hand away.
“Don't make me take the train home.” Ellwood said, “I mean, I already took it here. Isn't that enough train for the day?”
“You must, how else will you get home?”
“Let me stay with you for the night.”
“Mother said no. I asked this morning” he more than asked, he practically begged.
“Sneak me in! Oh, please!” Ellwood begged.
“The guest room is in use. Besides Elly, you have not got any of your sleep things. Do you expect to sleep in what you're wearing?”
“Hide me in your sheets. And I like to sleep in the nude,” Ellwood teased. Devi's head whipped around, then quickly faced forward again. Ellwood lying naked in Gaunt's sheets was too much; he had to look away. Ellwood rolled his eyes “Or I could just borrow a pair of yours.” Ellwood in Gaunt’s barely-too-big pyjamas. It wasn’t as if Ellwood was very thin or anything, but he was lean in comparison to Gaunt, and his limbs were shorter too. Thinking about how the sleeves may come down over Ellwood’s palms. How would the waistband sit over his hips? Maybe they would sit slightly lower than intended? Ellwood in his clothes, in his bed next to him was what he wanted unbelievably bad, Ellwood did not mean it in that way. He was just being funny. Besides breaking his mother’s rule, he couldn’t accept Ellwood’s plea. What if he began sleep-talking? He had never done it before, but he had heard other boys in school, so the improbability of sleep confessing came to mind. What if he woke up hard with Ellwood next to him? No, absolutely none of this could happen.
“No” he sighed “I will still be walking you to the train station after we finish walking Gideon home” Ellwood scrunched his nose at Devi’s name.
“Nothing besides remains. Round the decay/ of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,/ the lone and level sands stretch far away.” Ellwood quoted.
“You are not my forgotten friend, Elly; you are only indulging in theatrics,” he said, and Ellwood rolled his eyes.
“Say, you are still coming to visit me at Thornycroft for my birthday?”
“Of course!” Gaunt replied. Ellwood smiled and then walked silently for a few minutes before speaking again. “I wish you could come to Munich with us.”
“Really?” Ellwood asked.
“Of Course he does! He has been practically begging our father to let you come this year.” Maud chimed in much to Gaunt embarrassment. Devi was looking between Ellwood and Gaunt with that unreadable look again, it was distracting.
“You’ll have to beg harder then, Gaunt.”
“Perhaps I've changed my mind,” Gaunt said, but his face was smiling wide. He was delighted to hear Ellwood actually did want to go. “I'll beg every day and by next year they will have to say yes.”
“Why haven't you invited me on romantic getaways to roll around in Munich fields?” said Devi. At first, he was worried Devi was genuinely hurt but looking at his face he could tell he wasn’t. Gaunt lightly punched Devi in the shoulder and Devi performed a dramatic act of falling to the ground “You’ve killed me Henry! How do you plan to break the news to my mother?” then got up while all but Ellwood laughed.
Once they made it to Devi’s Aunt’s house he turned and spoke“Well, It was simply delightful to see you again, Maud. Do write to me whenever you wish.” Turning to Ellwood, he continued, “And a pleasure to make an acquaintance of the famous Ellwood.” He extended his hand, which Ellwood reluctantly shook, and offered little more than a grunt in reply. “Now, walk me to the door, Gaunt”
They began walking up the small hill towards the door and once they were far enough Devi spoke again with a grin “So, that’s your Ellwood, is it?” His Ellwood. The words spun dizzy in his mind.
“Yes, he's usually more charming than he's been today,” said Gaunt
“Oh, I'm sure he had his reasons. It seems he's rather jealous of your other friends.” Devi shrugged, but his face showed a look of knowing more.
“Oh, perhaps.” Ellwood was always jealous when Gaunt talked about Devi, Ellwood’s friendship claims over him made Gaunt giddy if he thought about it too long. “Or perhaps he thought you wanted to romance my sister, he intends to marry her” Gaunt tried for a smile, but it was unnatural and flat so he dropped it after a moment.
They reached the door “Ah yes, Maud! You told me that in your letters. Are you certain? I didn’t get that at all” Devi wouldn't get it. He only spent a few hours with Ellwood, as much as Gaunt despised it he could not delude himself into believing it was false. Devi’s voice was much softer now “You know Henry…if um…well just… I want you to know you'll always be my friend” Devi looked back at Ellwood and Maud then back to Gaunt.
“Thank you,” Gaunt said and Devi wrapped him in a firm, sudden embrace. Gaunt hugged him back. For a fleeting moment, he wanted to cry, but he didn’t. Sometimes, he wished he could talk to Devi about his feelings. However, Gaunt was aware that despite the words just exchanged, Devi would not hug him like this if he knew. They finished their goodbyes, and Gaunt jogged to meet the other two. They all began walking again.
“What did you think of Gideon?”
“I don’t like him very much. He's pretentious, imagines himself to be wittier than he truly is, and is just too… handsy with you” Despite Ellwood’s negative attitude Gaunt couldn't help but smile. It was ironic of him to say any of those things, Ellwood was physically affectionate with all his friends save Gaunt.
“Oh Sidney, no need for jealousy, Henry has room for two friends” Maud interjected. Ellwood seemed dissatisfied with Maud's comment.
“Oh, she's right, you know? You, Sidney Ellwood, are my best friend.” That cheered Ellwood up instantly, his smile was enormous. Gaunt and Maud finished walking Ellwood to the train station.