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“You remember the young man from a few days ago?” Aziraphale asked.
“Crucifixion, lots of screaming and crying, yeah, hard to forget.” Crowley answered.
“Well, he’s back!”
“Back?”
“Yes! And better than ever, apparently! Well, apart from the trauma… and the stigmata…”
“Back… from the dead?” Crowley said, processing this slowly.
“Yes! Isn’t it fantastic?”
“After what happened to him?”
“So it would seem.”
“Well, that’s big of him.” Crowley said earnestly, if it were him, he would probably not want to return to a place that had nailed him to a board and left him to die only 3 days ago, but that was just him. “What brings him back this way, then?”
“Well, it would seem it was all part of the plan… Now humans can be forgiven of all their sins automatically!”
“Wow,” Crowley leaned back, genuinely impressed by this revelation, “That’s awfully sporting of your people. Getting forgiven just like that. Can’t imagine.”
“Well,” Aziraphale started, and Crowley already did not care for that at all, “It sounds like it only works properly if they believe in — uhm — well him .” He continued, “It’s a little confusing, but I suppose it was all worth it in the end?”
“One would hope.” He said dryly.
“Yes, everyone is forgiven now,” Aziraphale smiled brightly, then shifted, his mind processing this on his face, “Well, except for murder. That’s still… well, that’s usually bad. And stealing might continue to be a problem, depending on the circumstances, but usually, I assume. And treating people poorly… also not recommended. Golden rule still stands. But! You know, you won’t have hell to pay for using the Lord’s name in vain any longer! Provided you believe in the Jesus fellow. Th-that must be good.”
“That’s…. convoluted.” Crowley answered.
“It isn’t.” Aziraphale defended haughtily. “Well, except for the other belief systems. Those do have their own rules and regulations, hard to figure out what’s going on with all that in the mix. But I’m sure it makes sense in the end.”
“So, how’d you find out about this not-convoluted plan?” Crowley brushed on, interested, “Did you run into him at the pub? Did you talk to him about all this?”
“Well, no.” Aziraphale shifted, hesitating, and Crowley looked at him with an imploring but patient expression, “I shouldn’t really be telling you this, but he’s only back here on earth for a limited time.”
“Oh? Why? Are they going to kill him again?”
“What! No!” Aziraphale looked scandalized, “Once was quite enough.” He cleared his throat pointedly, and attempted to regain his composure, “No, in 40 days he’ll be properly Ascending. To Heaven.” He clarified, pointing skyward, though it did not need clarifying. “We’re actually throwing a little office party to celebrate… Uriel thought it would be a nice gesture to welcome Jesus to Heaven, and I —“
“Wait, wait— hold on.” Crowley interjected, “ Heaven is throwing a party?”
“Yes…”
“You should probably tell them what a party is first.”
“No, no, I assure you, there will be wine, and music, and socializing —“
“And dancing?”
“No, no dancing. But there might be charades or something, later on. Gabriel likes charades. They sent out a memo.”
“Well, I’m impressed. That sounds like a really awful party, but still a party, somehow. That’s almost an achievement in and of itself.”
“Yes, I don’t think I’ll go.”
“What? Why not?” Crowley looked much more aghast than he had any right to, and may have been partly to amuse himself.
“Well, don’t you think it will be awkward?”
“All work is awkward.” Crowley shrugged.
“No, I just mean — with Jesus being there, and all. I cried at his crucifixion…”
“Oh…” Crowley nodded.
“Wouldn’t it be a bit like saying good-bye to someone and then getting in the elevator with them?” Crowley laughed at this, and Aziraphale then seemed to realize that he had said something humorous and managed a small laugh himself before sobering, “I really don’t think I should. I’m sure he’ll recognize me there, you know…”
“Yeh—yeah, so it will be awkward? So what?” Crowley pressed, waving a hand, “You should go. There’ll be free wine, probably good stuff, too, considering. Even if it is awkward, you’ll get to see Jesus again. You might even get to see your boss drunk.” He offered, “I think you’re lucky, anyway, my people would never think to do something like this for everyone. The best we’ve ever got was awful Team Building Exorcisms.”
“Do you mean Team Building Exercises?”
“Uh, yeah, no, not really.” Crowley did not clarify. “Anyway, don’t you think it will be weird if you don’t go? I mean, they sent out a memo, didn’t they?”
“Oh,” Aziraphale frowned, “Well, I suppose you’re right about that. And it would be nice to say hello, and thank him for the whole Sacrificing Himself for Humanity thing. I’m sure he would appreciate that. Awkwardness notwithstanding.”
“Now we’re cookin’.” Crowley encouraged, “Just show up, have a couple glasses of wine. Say hi, see if your boss gets drunk, and then 23 skidoo.”
“Well, I suppose if I don’t have to stay long, it might be alright.”
“That’s the ticket.” Crowley nodded, then paused thoughtfully, “Hey, let me ask you something…” And Aziraphale cocked his head at him, “What’s up with the 40 days thing? The rain fell for 40 days and 40 nights, and 40 years in the desert — Jesus was even fasting for 40 days when I met him. Just seems like a lot of fourties.”
“Oh — I’m not sure…”
“Well, you can ask for me at that incredibly dumb party, then.”
“Alright…” Aziraphale agreed hesitantly, though looked as though he was already having second thoughts about this.
“And tell J.C. I said ‘hi.’” Aziraphale opened his mouth to respond, about to agree to this request, then suddenly realized who he was speaking to, “ Absolutely not! ”