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Okay. Okay. Okay!
Eddie wants to move to El Paso. Fine, okay. It’s fine. There are several trains of thoughts criss-crossing through Buck’s mind as he drives away from Eddie’s house after spending the entire day scrolling for homes in El Paso. Fucking El Paso.
I’m tired of missing out on all my son’s big moments before he grows up.
That’s what Eddie had said. It’s about Christopher, Buck understands that. Of course he does. He misses Chris too. And of course, he wants Eddie and Chris to reunite, what kind of a friend would he be if he didn’t?
Eddie had been miserable since Chris left. In the past few months, Eddie dreaded going home to an empty house. The silence without Christopher was looming over his head like a dark, heavy rain cloud, groaning with weight. Eddie used any opportunity to have people over at his house; Sunday brunch with Hen and family, offering to watch Jee with Buck when Maddie and Chimney had plans for a date night, even begging Buck to come over with Tommy and watch some sports. He had even offered up his place to Carla to host her monthly book club meet. Buck’s heart broke for his best friend. So obviously, this was the next logical step for Eddie. He had to go get his son. And of course, Buck was going to be there every step of the way. Of course.
But his heart is beating in his throat.
He parks his jeep and feels paralyzed by his thoughts. If what Eddie was doing made sense, why was Buck...hurting?
There is rap on his window and Buck almost jumps out of his skin, hitting his head on the jeep’s roof. “Ow!” He rubs the sore spot and turns to look out.
It’s Chim. He’s in his pajamas, carrying a grocery bag of ice creams. Buck looks at him in confusion and Chim mirrors it.
“Hey - hey Chim.” Buck rolls his window down. “What - what are you doing here? All okay with Maddie and Jee?”
“What do you mean what am I doing here? I live here!” Chim replies, his face twisting further in confusion.
Buck blinks at him and finally looks around. He’s in Maddie’s neighborhood. He doesn’t remember driving here. He doesn’t remember much of the drive at all.
“Buck, are you okay?” Chim asks, concerned. “Maybe you should come in for a bit.”
Buck nods and turns off his engines and steps out of the car. “Is Maddie awake?”
One look at her brother’s face and Maddie is promptly handing over a sleeping Jee to Chim and is by Buck’s side in a heartbeat. Chim, who has always been astute, grabs his daughter and rushes out of the room. The Buckley siblings can handle themselves.
Maddie steeps a kettle of peppermint tea for the both of them and sits across from Buck at their dining table. She can practically see the cogs and wheels turning in her brother’s head. She doesn’t ask any questions, doesn’t say anything. She gives him enough space to be left alone with his thoughts without letting him feel too lonely about it.
For a moment, everything is still; so, so, so still.
“It’s Eddie.” Buck eventually speaks, voice barely above a whisper.
“Mhhm.” Maddie responds, blowing on her tea and sipping it. “What about him?”
“He wants to move to El Paso, for Christopher.”
“That makes sense.”
“Uh-huh.”
Buck can’t look his sister in the eye. He fidgets with his mug of tea. “BEST SISTER EVER” is printed on it; a Christmas gift that Buck had given Maddie, from a long time ago. He can’t believe she’s held on to it for so long. Or maybe he can. He wonders if serving him tea in this mug was an intentional decision. Maddie stretches her hand across the table and takes Buck’s hand in hers and gives it a squeeze. Buck immediately latches onto it and doesn’t let go.
“I think - I think he’s serious.” Buck mumbles.
“It’s the right thing for him to do, you know that.” Maddie responds, voice soft with kindness. She studies Buck’s very serious face for a moment before pushing herself off the chair and making her way to her brother. She stretches her hands across his wide shoulders and gives him a tight squeeze.
“Evan, you’re going to have to talk to him.” She says, as Buck adjusts in her arms.
“Talk to him about what?” Buck looks up at her, confused.
Maddie spares her brother an incredulous look and she is about to say something but;
“All okay, Buckeroo?” Chimney walks into the kitchen, making his way to the refrigerator to get the ice creams out. “Is it time to eat ice cream?”
“Always!” Maddie says cheerfully, and moves to pick up the empty tea mugs.
“Just to talk to Eddie once.” Maddie says.
“Talk to Eddie about what?” Chim asks, ears perked in curiosity.
“You’ll know soon enough, I guess.” Maddie says, giving Buck another squeeze before walking away. Chim shrugs and the both of them get busy around the kitchen; Maddie washing up the tea mugs, Chim preparing three bowls of ice cream. Buck thinks he should feel safe, he should feel at home. When Maddie tops his ice cream with chocolate chips and Chim adds a dollop of whipped cream over it, without Buck having to ask, he should feel loved, happy, and understood. But he doesn’t.
He feels unaligned, like he is off his axis and it is deeply unsettling.
+
The 118 throws a farewell party for Eddie at Bobby’s and Athena’s new home. It’s an overall bittersweet get together; with everyone from the firehouse wishing Eddie luck, and saying things like stay in touch, keep visiting the city and how Christopher is a lucky kid to have such a loving, doting father.
Buck hates it and is actively trying to hold back his nausea. It’s been a month since Eddie broke the news, a month and two weeks since Buck found him trying to flip over a tablet to hide the real estate website.
The month following the fire engine crushing Buck’s leg, the throbbing pain in his leg would wake him at God awful hours; Buck thinks he prefers that to whatever the hell is causing him to suffer and struggle to sleep through the night now.
He downs the rest of his drink and feels the alcohol burn his throat. Most of the guests have left, leaving only a skeletal few, the core few to hang around for some after party drinks.
“It’s a beautiful house.” Maddie says, as the group sits gathered around a bonfire in the firepit in the backyard. (“It’s great for barbeques!” Bobby had said, full of delight and eagerness, facetiming with Micheal)
“Thank you, baby!” Athena squeezes Maddie’s hand, her eyes twinkling. “Of course, you are all welcome to have your weekend barbeque parties here, don’t be strangers now.” She says, addressing everyone. “But I suppose it would be difficult for you, Eddie.” She pointedly looks at Eddie, sitting across from her.
Eddie gives her a tight lipped smile and shrugs. His hands deep in his jacket pockets. Chim starts saying something about actually planning a barbeque weekend, Buck isn’t listening. He’s awestruck by the glow of the fire lighting Eddie’s face. He looks so soft, so delicate and Buck wants to reach across and hold him.
+
Goodbyes are the worst.
Buck is the worst at them, never really knows what to say, how to act. And honestly, the people in Buck’s life have never left with a formal goodbye. Or even if they did, they promised to come back and never did. Goodbyes are the worst.
Everyone has gathered at Eddie’s house, helping him load his truck and making a day out of it. Karen has brought enough food to feed a small town. Chim is giving Eddie a list of all the stops he can - no, he should make on the way for some wonderful sights and places to eat. Hen and Athena are mixing cocktails for the group. Bobby is trying to figure out the logistics of fitting all of the remaining boxes into Eddie’s truck. And Maddie. Maddie finds Buck standing alone in the kitchen, away from the group, almost brooding.
“Oh Maddie, hey, I was uh - I was just looking through the kitchen, in case, you know, in case we forgot anything.”
“Mhmm yeah, sure.” Maddie says, her tone teasing. “Have you spoken to Eddie?”
“I speak to Eddie everyday.” Buck says, almost annoyed now. “What are you talking about?”
“You know I don’t know if you are actually this thick-headed or if you are pretending.” Maddie says looking fairly disappointed in her brother.
“I feel like you have some tangled feelings for Eddie. Romantic style.” She says, raising her hands up in exasperation. Buck looks like he’s been punched in the gut. “And I feel like you need to detangle them, figure it out and talk to Eddie. But I guess it’s too late now, Buck” She places her hands carefully over her burgeoning stomach.
Buck leans back into the kitchen counter; “I think I’ve figured that much out.” He says, in a resigned tone. “But I can’t - I can’t and won’t stop him from going to Christopher.”
“I know.” Maddie replies softly.
“He needs his son. And Chris needs Eddie, you know?”
“I know, I know.” Maddie says, taking her brother’s hand in hers and pulling him into a hug. “I wish there was something I could do to help.” She says, rubbing her hands over his back.
“You could convince Christopher to come back here.” Buck says, placing his head over hers. “That would help a great deal.”
Maddie laughs and pulls away; “C’mon, Chim’s eating Eddie’s ear off, let’s go save him.”
An hour past midday, everybody is waving goodbye to Eddie as he climbs into his truck, promising to text everyone at regular intervals, and starts his engine. Buck is the last one left standing as Eddie disappears around the corner of the street.
Buck rejects everyone’s invitation for some evening drinks. He just wants to go home and sleep forever. Everybody keeps insisting. Bobby especially. “C’mon kid, I can fire up the grill and cook us some steaks.” He says, patting Buck on the back.
Buck appreciates them all so much, loves them, they’re his family. But he feels this desperate need to be alone, to wallow, to drown in self-pity. A part of him wants to go out, get drunk and self sabotage. But a bigger, a more loud part of him wants to pour wine over ice cream and watch sappy romantic films in his underwear. Maybe order three pizzas. Maybe listen to Adele and cry over the sink. He feels like the embodiment of a facebook post by a teenager; how do you get over someone you’ve never been with?
Hour Five after Eddie’s departure, Buck is two wine bottles down and has already cried twice, once while watching Lion King (the idea of Timon and Pumba raising Simba to be the king that he was meant to be really hit him in the center of his chest) and the second time while looking at a photo of Eddie, Chris and himself. He feels so pathetic. He picks up his phone to call Eddie; he hasn’t called or messaged Eddie since he left. Which is odd on his part considering their chat threads could run for miles in the span of a few hours. There are texts from everyone checking up on him, even a text from Tommy - which, God, feels so annoying right now. Things with Tommy feels like a lifetime ago. But it was barely a month ago - a month, two weeks, and four days ago. It's like everything ceased to matter after finding out that Eddie wanted to move. Buck feels sick and the only thing that can cure him is Eddie and that is so frustrating.
Eddie calls him when Buck is somewhere in the middle of his third bottle.
“Hey, you okay?” Buck asks, picking up the call with a desperate urgency.
“Uh yeah.” Eddie’s voice sounds strained and distant. “Just checked into a highway motel in Phoenix.”
“You’re making good time.” Buck says, decidedly reaching past his glass and grabbing the wine bottle by its neck and taking a direct swig from it.
“Yeah.” Eddie exhales loudly. “Yeah, I guess.”
He doesn’t sound okay, Buck thinks but bites his tongue. “Uh, so - so did you open your glove box?” He asks, instead.
“Um no.” Eddie replies, sounding confused. “I’m in my room.”
“So I packed a bunch of baked goods for you - I hope it hasn’t spoiled or anything. I thought, maybe you could use a treat or two.”
Eddie’s sweet tooth is no secret to anyone, let alone Buck. If the man could, he would have sugar in any form for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But Eddie has always shown restraint, exercised his will power and allowed himself a sweet treat, maybe once a week. Buck can’t remember the last time Eddie treated himself.
“I kept it in your glove box and forgot to tell you.” Yeah right, forgot. Not like Buck had spent hours baking into the night and putting it all together. Sculpting every scone and each croissant with care and love.
“You think of everything, Buck.” Eddie’s voice is soft and yet manages to punch Buck in the middle of his chest. Eddie sniffles. Buck perks up.
“Eddie? Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I - I don’t know.” Eddie exhales. “I don’t know what I am doing. What if Christopher doesn’t want to see me? What if he gets mad? You know, I always thought I would be different from my father." There are some shuffling sounds on Eddie’s end. "That I would be there for my kid, I would be present every step of the way. But it isn’t the case here. My kid - my kid doesn’t want me around. He wants nothing to do with me. God, I can’t breathe.”
He’s spiraling. Buck can hear it in the strain of Eddie’s voice. Buck is in half a mind to jump into his jeep, bend time and space and reach Eddie. But he can’t and it chips away at him endlessly.
“Hey, hey Eddie - don’t do that.” He says, weakly. “Chris loves you, you know that. He just needs some time, you know?”
Eddie hums quietly.
Honestly, the words feel empty to Buck. It feels like it holds no real meaning, no real weight. Buck feels like an imposter but he needs Eddie to be okay. He’s too far away to do anything so he just breathes with him.
“Hey do - do you remember the day when we took Chris out to try sushi for the first time?” Buck asks, settling into his couch, hand still tightly gripped around the wine.
Eddie chuckles; “Yeah, he hated it.”
“That’s not how I remember it. He didn’t like the sushi, sure. But we had a lot of fun. There was a mini carnival right next to the restaurant. We got cotton candy and corn dogs for him.”
“Could have given him a stomach ache.” Eddie interjects.
“He played so many games.” Buck, ignoring Eddie’s little comment, continues. “And, he made a new friend and got her phone number.”
“You made him do that!” Eddie says, there’s some colour to his voice now.
“Yeah.” Buck laughs. “Or that one time when we were taking him to that state park and he made us stop the car to help out those baby birds.”
“Yeah, he did that.” Eddie sniffles again, his voice slightly cracking.
“Or when he wanted me to buy an extra gift when we were going to Hen’s Christmas party, just in case Baby Nia was invited. He’s such a great kid, Eddie. You’re - you’re such a good father.” And Buck means it. He really means it. “You love him, you always do your best for him. He knows that, he should know that.”
There is an unmistakable sob that escapes Eddie’s lips and it strikes Buck right through his heart and shatters it into pieces. “You should - you should just talk to him. He’s going to hear you out.” Buck continues and Eddie sniffs on the other end.
“Yeah.” Eddie’s voice is still soft but more stable. Buck quickly takes a gulp from his wine bottle.
“I wish I was there with you.” Buck says before he can stop himself. But it’s true.
Eddie hums. “I don’t know - I don’t think there is enough space for you on this bathroom floor.”
“What - are you lying on the bathroom floor?”
“Uh, yeah.” Eddie sounds slightly embarrassed. “I thought - I thought I was going to have another panic attack.”
“Are - are you okay now?”
“Yeah I -” Eddie takes a deep breath and lets it go. “Yeah, I’m better now.”
A beat.
“You - you always know what to say, Buck.” Eddie says. His tone is intimate, like he’s pulled Buck into his personal space, like they’re sitting together, knocking knees and brushing elbows. If only they were, Buck would reach across and kiss him. He would.
“And I -” Eddie almost chokes; it almost sounds confessional. Buck holds his breath. “And I am just so grateful for you, you know?” He continues, clearing his throat.
Buck lets go of the breath he’s holding and smiles sadly into the phone. “I know, Eddie.” He says. “I don’t think you should worry about Christopher. You just need to talk it out. He's a great kid, of course he’s going to understand. You know that. Nobody knows him better than you.”
“You might.”
“Fine.” Buck huffs. “Nobody knows him better than us.” Buck really feels the weight of his words this time.
“Nobody but us.” Eddie mumbles and this lovely, warm feeling spreads through Buck’s chest. Like Eddie has reached through the phone and hugged him.
They talk for twenty more minutes; it’s mostly Buck yapping about all these new baking techniques he’s trying. Eddie listens patiently, punctuating the conversations with the necessary “ohh”s and “aah”s. Eddie finally decides to hang up, he needs to sleep and he needs to wake up at the crack of dawn and hit the road. Buck lets him go after making sure he’s really okay and up off the dirty bathroom floor.
Buck wakes up at noon the following day and there is a text from Eddie at 4am; “Thanks for breakfast.” attached with it is a picture of Eddie’s truck and on the bonnet is a disposable cup of coffee and Buck’s carefully packed box of treats.
+
The rest of the 118 have very clearly noticed Buck’s obvious shift in personality and preferences. But they don’t really know how to approach him about it. He’s become so quiet and distant now; his laughs are shallow, his smile less bright, and he eats less - which, really, was the first sign of turbulent times. And though he gives his 100% at work and on calls, Bobby can’t help but feel it’s all mechanical. Like Buck is working on auto-pilot, going through the motions of the day with as little attachment as possible.
“How’s Eddie doing?” Bobby asks Buck one day, when the both of them are alone in the kitchen cutting up vegetables and marinating chicken for lunch.
The question catches Buck off guard; “Uh yeah, he’s good.”
“And how are things between Eddie and Christopher?”
“Yeah, things are good. Slow but you know, good.”
Christopher was very happy to see Eddie, just like Buck knew he would be. The moment Eddie drove up to his parents’ house, Christopher was out the door, hobbling across the patio at a speed Eddie hadn’t witnessed before, to wrap his arms around his father. Hot tears had sprung to Eddie’s eyes as he held his son close to his chest. It had been way too long. Eddie and Chris had stood there in the driveway till Helena had to physically break them apart and lead Eddie indoors.
Of course, the immediate next thing Eddie did was send a selfie with Chris to Buck. Buck had almost immediately pinned a heart to it. It’s been two weeks since.
“And what about you?” Bobby asks as he juliennes some carrots.
“What - what about me?”
“How are you holding up? How are things with Bosko?”
Lena Bosko of the 136 was temping with the 118 till Bobby could finally take a call about a new hire to replace Eddie. The cast iron skillet hisses as Bobby places the marinated chicken breasts on it.
“Uh, yeah, things are good. She’s an amazing firefighter and a great team player.”
Bobby can’t help but wonder if Buck had somehow anticipated this conversation and managed to have answers tailored for all and any of his questions.
“Buck.” Bobby turns the heat down on the skillet and looks at Buck; “ I am worried about you, kid.” “I’m here, if you ever want to talk. About anything.”
He sounds so sincere, so concerned, Buck wants to run into his arms and sob.
“Uhh, thanks Cap.” Buck instead replies. “Really, I mean it. I appreciate it more than you know.”
Bobby nods and turns his attention back to the skillet. And all Buck wants to do is scream at Bobby; I’m in love with my best friend and I don’t know how to operate without him.
But he only exhales and continues with lunch prep.
+
Buck tries dating. It’s been a month since Eddie’s moved away. Buck needs to move on. So he’s on every dating app that LA has to offer, he’s signed up for every event for singles in his neighborhood, and he’s been thinking about joining support groups for single people. Maddie thinks he’s overdoing it. Chim is surprised that Maddie is surprised.
“I mean - at least I’m busy?” Buck shrugs; he’s over at their place for dinner and Jee has decided that her uncle is in need of a makeover.
“Ssh, uncle Buck.” She shushes him as she drags a makeup brush across his face. She’s got him seated on her tiny chair in her play corner. His curls tied up with several scrunchies. Blush badly blotching his cheeks and lipstick smeared across lips and jaw. Buck’s pretty sure he can taste lipstick on his teeth.
“I guess.” Maddie says, more pregnant than ever, waddling over to her brother and daughter. “Jee, you missed a spot baby.” She points to a small patch of pale skin on Buck’s face.
“How are the dates otherwise?”
“They’remh mhokay.” Buck manages to blurt as Jee uses the makeup brush like a colour pencil across Buck’s face. Maddie pulls her daughter away. “Jee, I think you’ve done such a great job here. Why don’t we take a break now? Maybe you could go check up on daddy? Make sure he doesn’t mess up the kitchen making dinner?”
“Yeah!” Jee jumps up with enthusiasm. “Daddy always messy. I make sure Daddy clean” She says, joyfully skipping away towards the kitchen, ready and eager to boss over her father.
“Oh Chim is not going to like that.” Maddie laughs. Buck gets out of the tiny chair and takes a look at his reflection on his phone. He looks like a clown. Yep, seems about right.
“Anyway, how are your dates?” Maddie asks again.
“Oh, you know they’re alright.” Buck shrugs, pulling the scrunchies off his hair and taking a seat on the sofa. “It’s all the same, it’s the same small talk, the same restaurants, the same food, the same drinks. Everything is so…boring.”
Buck heaves a heavy sigh; “It’s - it’s so weird, I had no idea so many of my free nights, weekends, and days off were spent with Eddie.”
“Yep.” Maddie clicks her tongue together.
“It’s like…” Buck struggles to find the words. “It’s like…I am going through a break-up except it's not?”
“It is kind of a break up though, isn’t it?” Maddie offers. “It was the end of a partnership and not just a professional one. I mean, Eddie and you were basically co-parenting till Chris left.”
Buck twists his face; “Co-parenting? Really? You think so?”
Maddie shrugs; “Everyone thinks so. I mean, you guys were a unit, did you expect people not to wonder? Buck, Chim and I had to physically drag you out for May’s birthday party that one time Christopher was unwell. And it was the flu. I remember Eddie was ready for a night out too but you were so stressed!”
Buck nods in silence as he smiles bittersweetly at the memory. It was months after the Tsunami had hit, Buck had been like an additional, overprotective parent hovering over Chris’ head wherever they went.
“Should I go to El Paso?”
The question may be sudden but Buck’s been thinking about it for a while now. Every time he sits across the table from a date, guy or girl, the first thing that turns him off from them is that they’re not Eddie. And every night after finishing up, he sits in his jeep eating ice cream and contemplates just gunning it to El Paso.
Maddie thinks before she can answer; “You could visit?” she says, gently.
“I need to tell him how I feel.”
“And what if he doesn’t feel the same way?”
“Won’t change a thing.”
“And what if it does?”
“And what if it doesn’t?”
Buck’s tone is like steel and irritated that Maddie wasn’t giving him the answers he wanted to hear.
Maddie sighs. “You know I’m here whatever you decide to do. You’ve got a good support group here. And Eddie? Eddie is going through something that you can’t fix. I know you want to fix it so badly but you can’t. You just can’t, Evan. This is something he needs to fix himself, there is no space for you.”
That breaks Buck. Maddie’s words, there is no space for you, slices through him. His worst fear condensed into words and just thrown out carelessly in the open; no space for Buck with Eddie and Chris anymore; they have a new life, a better life, one without Buck, one where Buck is not needed.
Buck slumps into the sofa and Maddie pats his hand lovingly. Chim walks in and screams looking at Buck’s face. Jee follows close behind, gleefully pointing at her uncle. “Pretty Uncle Buck.” She says.
“You are such a great artist, Jee.” Chim says, chuckling nervously. “Dinner’s ready, guys. Buck, if you want to visit the washroom first, I would understand.”
“Here, let me give you a few wipes.” Maddie offers, doing her best to get off the couch.
Dinner is otherwise uneventful.
+
Eddie is thriving in El Paso. Or so Buck thinks.
He’s got a new job at a firehouse, Chris is surely and steadily warming up to his dad again, Eddie gets to spend most of his weekends with Chris which forces him spend time with his parents, which to everyone's surprise, is not half bad. And he has managed to learn how to bake the fluffiest bread way too quickly. Buck is so happy for him.
So happy and not miserable at all.
They facetime each other every two days but Buck can’t help but feel like they’re drifting further and further apart. Eddie has new people around him now, new plans with these new people in new places. Buck wants to throw up everytime they’re on a call with each other and inevitably something happens that reminds Buck that Eddie really is in El Paso and not a twenty minute drive away.
There’s really nothing that’s stopping Buck from jumping into his jeep and chasing Eddie. But…he’s so tired. He’s tired of begging people to stay, to stay and love him, to stay and love him anyway. And more importantly, he’s tired of talking about it; with Maddie, with Bobby, with Frank, with Jee - when he’s trying to put her down for a nap and she’s being fussy about it.
Bottom line is: Eddie left.
Like Abby, like Ali, like Tommy. Packed his bags and moved across states to start over. Without Buck.
But this is not like Abby, Ali, or Tommy. Buck was never Eddie’s priority, Eddie was never Eddie’s priority. Eddie’s only aim was to provide the best life for Christopher. And Buck knew this. Eddie never gave him false hope, never promised him a forever and yet;
And yet.
When Christopher was around 10, Buck had popped by the Diazes’ house for dinner. It was just like any other regular night. They had their dinner sitting around the dining table, indulging in Christopher's recap of his school day. Eventually, after post-dinner ice cream and video games, Eddie tucked Chris into bed as Buck cleaned up after them.
Buck was settling into the couch in the living room, browsing through movies they could watch, when Eddie walked in, holding two bottles of beer; and in that moment, in Eddie Diaz’s warmly lit living room, as he stood there, holding out a beer, a carefree smile on his face, looking so ethereal and delicate, Buck thinks; I want to kiss you.
Buck’s life flipped from that precise moment; there was no way his brain could be normal about Eddie Diaz. And it didn’t help that Eddie looked so good and Eddie was kind and funny and witty and sassy and loyal and he listened to Buck. He understood Buck; he knew Buck didn’t like tomatoes in his sandwiches, he knew all of Buck’s favourite beers, he made sure his abuela cooked extra tamales so he could get them for Buck; he knew Buck, saw him for who he was and accepted him wholeheartedly.
And yet.
+
Buck’s phone buzzes as he’s wiping down the fire engine; it's Eddie.
“Hey - hey Eddie!” He picks up the facetime call.
Eddie’s face smiles back at Buck. He’s out somewhere, Buck can see the desert behind Eddie. “Hey Buck!” He says. Eddie props up his phone and the visuals are shaky and blurry till the phone finds balance. “Are you at the 118?”
“Yeah.” Buck chuckles. “Cap and Chim are cooking.” He says, flipping the camera on his phone and pointing it in the direction of their kitchen where Bobby and Chim are busy cooking up a storm. “Hen’s out - somewhere, I don’t know.” Buck flips the camera back to his face and he finally gets a good look at Eddie.
They last spoke three days ago; it was a hurried conversation; Eddie had to unceremoniously cut the call and rush off for a four-alarm fire. (Of course Buck was worried sick to his stomach till he got the all good, home now, going to sleep text from Eddie.)
“Hi.” Buck smiles softly.
Eddie’s face visibly softens as he smiles back.
“Where are you?”
“Just out for a drive.” Eddie shrugs. “Felt like talking to you.”
Something flips inside Buck’s stomach.
“Are - are you okay? Everything good with Chris?”
Eddie runs a hand across his chest and sighs loudly; “Yes Buck - “
“Why are you rubbing your chest? Are you experiencing a panic attack? Do you have water with you? Is there anyone around you?”
“Buck, Buck, Buck!” Eddie laughs. “I’m fine.” Eddie says, his smile almost reaching his eyes. “It’s my day off and I wanted to take a drive and I just felt like talking to you. That’s it.”
“Right.” Buck says unsurely. “But just in case -”
“I’m fine, Buck.” And Eddie says it with such finality that Buck decides to drop it. The signal crackles for a bit. “How are you?” Eddie asks. “I feel like we haven’t caught up with each other for a minute.”
please just come back.
“Yeah, you know, things are good. Jee has to start preschool soon and Maddie is flipping out, it’s really funny to watch her unravel.” Buck takes a seat on the engine’s footboard. Eddie chuckles.
God, he looks so good. The rays of the sun washing over him, his eyes twinkling; Eddie looks golden.
For a moment, Eddie looks like he’s going to say something but of course, the alarm goes off at the 118 and Eddie has to let Buck go.
“Talk later?” Buck says, getting ready to sprint off.
“Yep.” Eddie says, tight lipped. “See you soon.”
Buck doesn’t even register Eddie’s words as he rushes to suit up.
+
The following day, on his day off, Buck is rudely woken up by the incessant ringing of his doorbell.
“Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m coming!” Buck calls out, as he drags his feet to his door. He swings it open and it’s Eddie.
Buck’s frozen in his place, his eyes wide.
Eddie looks haggard and tired, but…happy?
“Wha - Eddie - What are you - Where’s - “ Buck sputters but Eddie shakes his head, takes two strides and closes the gap between them.
Eddie is kissing Buck.
Eddie is kissing Buck.
Eddie is kissing Buck.
It takes Buck less than a second to kiss Eddie back. He’s pulling him into the apartment and closer to his body. And they’re kissing, kissing and kissing some more. Buck doesn’t want to think about it, he doesn't question it, doesn’t question Eddie. Just kisses him senselessly till they are both pulling apart, gasping for air.
“I choose you.” Eddie says, breathlessly. Tears pooling in his eyes. They’re stuck at the hip, Eddie reaches out and cups Buck’s face. “I choose you, Evan.”
Buck is slightly panicked. “What - Eddie - “ But Eddie is pulling him in, wrapping his arms around Buck and kissing him again; it’s a slow, languid, and deliberate kiss. One that leaves Buck wanting more - but he’s always wanted more with Eddie.
“Did you drive here throughout the night?”
“Took off from El Paso just after I finished the call with you.”
“Christopher?” Buck is so confused and happy and delighted and bewildered and anxious and excited and nervous. He also wants to throw up but he doesn’t want to give Eddie the wrong idea.
“He’s back in El Paso. I have to go back - they don’t know I’m here.”
Buck has to, needs to put some space between them for his brain to process.
“Eddie, what the hell are you talking about?”
“Funny you mention hell.” Eddie grins.
Buck is not sure if he fully understands it. He probably understands it but he doesn't know if he fully fully understands it.
“So a priest asked you to buy juice so you got into your truck and drove here? Am I juice?”
Eddie laughs and there is something so freeing about it; Buck blushes. “Yes. And, no.”
“You’re juice. But I am juice too.” Eddie explains. “I need to choose myself and, well,” Eddie blushes. “Choosing myself looks a lot like choosing you.”
They’re sitting on the couch, Eddie practically sitting on Buck’s lap. “I hated it, Buck.” Eddie sighs, taking Buck’s hand in his. “Other than Christopher, I hated everything about the place, the people - everything. I don’t belong there. Christopher doesn’t belong there. My parents - they’re trying, you know - but I can’t. I can’t with my mother just dropping in without any warning, I can’t with my father always ready and available to hit me with a lecture about one more thing. I was miserable..”
Well, Buck had that all wrong.
“And for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why I felt like a fish out of water, and then I did - “ Eddie pauses and looks Buck in the eye. “It’s you, Buck.” He whispers, nervously licking his lips, studying Buck’s face.
They sit still for a moment. Buck, still processing, and Eddie, slowly testing the waters.
“I - I don’t know how to explain it.” Eddie says, not shying away from holding Buck’s gaze. “But, I love you.”
The words just flow out of Eddie’s mouth with ease, like he’s always been saying it for years, like it’s something they casually tell each other. Like he is breathing. Eddie laughs nervously. “I love you, Evan.” He laughs again. “This makes no sense I know - “
“ - it makes all the sense in the world” Buck annoyingly cuts Eddie off; leans over and grabs Eddie by the shirt and pulls him on top of himself. “I love you too. We can and should be a couple of fruit juices or whatever, together.” He whispers against Eddie’s lips before confidently locking in for a kiss.
+
Eddie is back in El Paso.
But this time around, Buck is the least bit miserable because Eddie is coming back and Eddie’s coming back with Christopher. Buck has an entire surprise party planned with all of their friends and Chris’ friends. And of course, it’s in Bobby and Athena’s backyard. And of course, Bobby is grilling.
“OKAY EVERYONE!” Buck’s voice booms. “They’re almost here! Eddie just thinks we’re here for a quiet dinner - so you know - be quiet.”
parking the jeep in the driveway, see you in 2
love you
The text from Eddie reads.
Buck’s entire being feels all kinds of warm and happy. He looks around at everyone gathered, laughing, rejoicing, making merry; and he takes a moment to cherish the moment, to feel rooted in it.
Because in that very moment, Evan Buckley is truly home.