Work Text:
It was another fucking shit day in... Georgia? Michigan? West Virginia? I don't know. Whatever backwards state this high as fuck show takes place. I forget, and cannot be bothered to Google it. Boy, I am such a good writer.
Anyway, we have the usual: the Ed boys are setting up their latest scheme, ready to try and sell god knows what to the other poor children of the neighborhood so they can afford enough to buy candy, because they're obviously too young to get an actual job. We know this.
But there's a problem. Eddy, whom of which is the WHOLE GOD DAMN REASON THEY'RE DOING THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE, is nowhere to be seen. Wow, Eddy! You're such a good salesman! The other two boys, Ed and Double D, are understandably confused as fuck.
Ed: Where's Eddy? Where did he go?
Double D: I don't know, Ed... He told us to meet him out here at 11 am, and it's already been 15 minutes.
Ed: Did he forget? What if he forgot, Double D?? Maybe we should call him!
Double D: Uh, I kind of doubt he forgot. He made the plan himself, after all.
Ed: I forget my own plans all the time! Just like how I forgot to flush the toilet!
Double D: Ew! Ed! That's... that's disgusting! Please tell me you washed your hands, at least!
Ed ignores the question, implying that he's either not paying attention, or he most definitely did not wash his hands after shitting. He dashes off to the nearest payphone.
Ed: I'm gonna call Eddy, Double D!
Double D watches as Ed runs off to the payphone, silently vowing to never touch that specific payphone again. Ed takes out a quarter and dials a completely random number, because his stupid ass doesn't even know how to properly dial a phone number. The phone rings, and before they can say anything, Ed starts blabbing off, 100% believing it's Eddy (It's not).
Ed: Hi, Eddy! We're waiting outside your house right now!
Phone: Qui est-ce?
Ed: Did you forget about your big plan today, Eddy? The one you told us about yesterday?
Phone: Je suis désolé, quoi ?
Ed: I'm really excited, Eddy! I was thinking about it all night! I even peed myself a little!
Double D, having had enough of Ed rambling his personal details to this poor stranger, yells for him to stop.
Double D: Ed, enough! That's not Eddy. You just told a complete stranger that you... ahem. soiled yourself.
Ed: ...Oh. Sorry, stranger! Bye!
Phone: Excusez-moi?
Ed hangs up the phone. He reaches into his pockets for another quarter, but he's all out.
Ed: Aw, man... Do you have a quarter, Double D?
Double D: No, Ed... I'm sure Eddy's just running late. We'll just have to wait a bit longer.
Ed: Oh. Okay!
The two boys wait outside Eddy's house. And wait. And wait. For another half hour. After what seems like forever, Eddy FINALLY comes out, looking rather disheveled, as if he had JUST woken up. He's carrying a box labeled "cool thingys", full of the poor quality stuff he's going to sell. Ed, unphased, greets him cheerfully.
Ed: Hi, Eddy! We waited for you!
Eddy: Shut up, Ed! Get your morning happiness away from me!
Ed, still unphased, continues to smile like a fucking idiot. Double D, however, isn't exactly happy with Eddy's attitude.
Double D: Eddy! You told us to meet you at 11, and it's nearly noon! What's going on? And you look a mess! This isn't like you at all!
Eddy: What, no one can oversleep? I slept in. Big deal! And what's the point of getting ready? It's not like I'm trying to impress anybody!
Double D: Wha- Huh?! You try to impress people all the time! I mean, yes, you completely fail at it, but-
Eddy: Oh, shut up! You think I don't know that?! These losers just don't appreciate me! Whatever, let's just set this shit up already.
Ed: What's "shit" mean, Eddy?
Double D: ED! Don't say that!
Eddy: QUIET! I'm already pissed off today. Can we just get this going?! I need to pawn off my useless trash to these dumb, ugly suckers!
Eddy sets the box down and opens it up, revealing all the weird ass shit that he's going to try and sell. The other two boys peer inside, now looking confused as ever. Ed tries to touch one of the items.
Ed: What's that, Eddy?
But Eddy, still pissed as ever, swats Ed's hand away.
Eddy: It's not for you! Don't touch it!
Double D: Um, Eddy... Are these just random items from your room? Are you SURE people will want to buy any of these...?
Eddy: Shut up! I know what I'm doing!
Double D still feels skeptical, but he decides not to pry any further, because Eddy is unusually snappy today- well, more snappy than usual. Ed, always the distracted one, finds a rolly polly on the ground and starts playing with it.
After waiting for what seems like forever, two potential "customers" come up: Sarah, Ed's demented little sister, and her best friend Jimmy. Sarah takes one look at the items and, for once, is so baffled that she has nothing bitchy to say. Of course, Eddy is already impatient.
Eddy: Hey, assholes! Are you gonna buy anything, or just stare like a couple of idiots?!
Sarah: WHAT'D YOU SAY TO ME?!
Before Eddy can respond, Sarah picks up one of the items- a broken bubble wand from Disney World- and smacks him in the face with it.
Eddy: OW! What'd you do that for, you little-?!
Double D: Eddy, you DID swear at them...
Eddy: So?! She didn't have to HIT me!
Sarah: I'll hit you all I want!
Jimmy: Um, Sarah... Can we go play house now?
But Sarah, too pissed off to listen to her friend's timid request, continues to berate everybody.
Sarah: ED! Why didn't you flush the toilet this morning?! THIS IS THE 3RD TIME THIS WEEK!
Ed: Sorry, baby sis! I forgot!
Sarah: Well, you better start remembering, cuz if you do it again, I'm telling mom!
Ed: Wait, NO! Don't tell mom! Then she'll tell dad, and-
Sarah: Yeah, yeah, dad will say "not now, I just got home from work"! WE GET IT!
Jimmy: Sarah, please calm down!
Jimmy hands Sarah a stress toy, and she squeezes it so hard that it almost bursts. After a moment, she grabs Jimmy by the hand and walks off. Eddy, pissed that neither of them bought anything, starts shouting.
Eddy: FINE! Don't buy my crap! See if I care! Walk away, like everybody else does! Have fun playing house, you little shits!
Double D: Eddy, stop! You're being unreasonable!
Eddy: YOUR FACE IS UNREASONABLE!
Double D: Wha- What does that even mean?!
Ed: Guys, guess what? I have to poop!
Eddy: GO TO THAT DITCH, AND DO IT!
Ed, without second thought, grins widely and runs over to the ditch to take a shit. Before anyone can react, Johnny, the stupid kid who's friends with a board, comes up to see what Eddy's got in his box of "cool thingys".
Johnny: Hi, guys! Whatcha got there?
Eddy: A bunch of stupid shit. Wanna buy somethin', or what?
Johnny: Why's it stupid?
Eddy: Because I don't need any of it anymore!
Johnny: Why?
Eddy: Because- Oh, hell no. We're not doing this "why" shit again.
Johnny: Why?
Eddy: STOP!
Johnny: Why?
Eddy: SHUT UP!
Johnny: Why?
Eddy, frustrated with Johnny's continuous "why"s, lets out a frustrated scream. Ed comes back from shitting in the ditch, smiling like a dumbass.
Double D: Eddy, calm down... and, Johnny, please ease up on the "why"s.
Johnny: ...Why?
Eddy, fed up, starts chasing Johnny down the street.
Eddy: I'LL SHOW YOU WHY, YOU LOW-LIFE, BOARD TALKING, SCHIZOPHRENIC PUNK!
Johnny: WHY?!
Johnny bolts into his house before Eddy can pounce on him. Eddy, frustrated, stomps back to his friends.
Eddy: Can you BELIEVE that guy?! No wonder his only friend is a damn piece of wood! No real person can stand his ass!
Double D: Eddy, that was highly unnecessary. While Johnny's constant inquiries were a bit annoying, you didn't have to chase him. He doesn't know better.
Eddy: Oh, that's bullshit! He knows damn well what he's doing!
Double D: No, he doesn't-
Ed: I pooped in the ditch like you said, Eddy! Wanna see?
Eddy: WHAT?! ED! THAT'S GROSS! NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR NASTY SHIT!
Ed: It's a really big one, Eddy!
Eddy: For fuck's sake, STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR POOP!
Double D: Uh, he's right, Ed... We don't really want to hear about your excrement.
Ed: But why, Double D? It's a really good poop! It's almost as big as my butt!
Eddy: STOOOOOOOOOOOP!
Ed: And it smelled really stinky! It was- mpphphhph, mppphphphmmph!
While Ed is yapping, Eddy grabs duct tape and puts it over Ed's mouth. Ed's dumb ass seems unphased and continues his muffled yapping, much to Eddy's dismay.
Double D: Eddy, was that really necessary?
Eddy: YES!
Double D: You can't just put duct tape over his mouth! That's completely unethical!
Eddy: Says who?! Not Ed, that's for sure!
Double D: Eddy, that's mean! Take that off his mouth!
Eddy: NO! He's just gonna start talking about his shit again!
Double D: EDDY, TAKE IT OFF, OR I'LL DO IT MYSELF!
Eddy: NO!
Double D: YES!
Eddy: NO!
As the back and forth continues, Ed continues to ramble, despite the fact that his fucking mouth is taped shut. The squabble starts to get pretty loud, causing some of the kids to get annoyed. Kevin, the last person they'd want to piss off, opens his window and shouts at the boys.
Kevin: CAN Y'ALL SHUT UP?! I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV!
Eddy: SHUT UP, KEVIN!
Eddy grabs one of his "cool thingys"- a water gun that's for some reason still half full- and throws it at Kevin. But, unfortunately for Eddy, Kevin's tryhard ass self manages to catch it.
Kevin: The hell is this thing? Is this another one of your stupid things you're tryna sell?!
Eddy, realizing what he's done, starts to panic.
Eddy: WAIT! GIVE THAT BACK! YOU'VE GOTTA PAY FOR THAT!
But Kevin, not giving two shits as usual, starts spraying Eddy with the squirt gun.
Kevin: Here's your "payment", dumbass!
Eddy: OW! STOP IT!
Double D: Alright, enough! You two are acting like toddlers!
But Kevin refuses to stop, squirting the gun at Eddy until it's empty. He then shuts his window and goes back to whatever he was doing, keeping the squirt gun like a greedy little shit.
Eddy: UGH! You might've beat me this time, but you know what?! You're ginger! You failed at life!
Nazz, who had been watching the whole thing from afar, starts giggling, and that only pisses Eddy off even more. He starts shouting at Kevin again, as if he can fucking hear him.
Eddy: DAMN IT, KEVIN! YOU EMBARASSED ME IN FRONT OF NAZZ! HOW AM I GONNA GET HER TO LIKE ME NOW?!
Nazz: Who said I liked you?
Eddy lets out another frustrated scream.
Double D: Eddy, please, calm down! This is NOT what we're out here for!
Eddy: I AM CALM! I'M THE CALMEST MAN ON EARTH!
Ed, his dumb ass clueless as ever to the situation, finally manages to get the tape off his mouth by EATING IT.
Ed: Yum!
The other two boys stare at Ed in shock, as he happily eats the duct tape like it's some delicious gourmet shit.
Eddy: ...You've got to be kidding me.
Double D: Um, Eddy... Can we just go back to what the whole point of this cringe fan-made story is? I'm sure the readers are starting to get bored.
Eddy: Well, the readers can suck it! Besides, everyone's right. Nobody's gonna buy this shit! Everybody just takes this whole thing as a joke!
Ed: Not everybody! We haven't seen Rolf yet, Eddy!
Eddy: Rolf's not gonna want this GARBAGE!
Double D: Eddy, you're being way too negative today. Maybe that's the problem. No one wants to buy your things because of your attitude.
Eddy: Then what do YOU suggest, genius?!
Double D: Well... Maybe stop yelling at everyone? And advertise your things more... positively?
Eddy: Positive?! With THESE people?! That's impossible!
Double D: Not necessarily. Look, Ed's right, we haven't seen Rolf yet. I think he's at his house. Maybe if you're less snappy, he'll actually buy from you?
Eddy: Ugh, fine. I'll be "PoSiTiVe".
Eddy picks up the box and stomps across the street to Rolf's house. The other two follow behind, hoping Eddy will follow through to his word. He knocks on the door, and Rolf answers, already looking annoyed. But before he can say anything, Eddy puts on a fugly ass exaggerated smile, and starts talking in a over-the-top salesman voice.
Eddy: Hey there, pal! Check it out! I got some fuckin' AWESOME things in this box here, with some SUPER SEXY deals that are sure to make that pussy POP!
Double D facepalms, while Ed, oblivious to how fucking stupid his friend is acting, grins like an idiot. Rolf, however, is just offended.
Rolf: "Super sexy deals"?! "Popping pussies"?! Absolutely NOT! Get OUT, you disgusting twat!
Before Eddy can respond, Rolf slams the door right in his face.
Double D: EDDY! What kind of positivity was that?!
Eddy: What?! I thought for sure it would work!
Double D: You sounded like you were selling sex toys! Maybe that could work for some people, but certainly not for Rolf! He's not that kind of person!
Eddy: Well, how was I supposed to know that?!
Double D: ...Do you even know him at all?!
Eddy: APPARENTLY NOT!
Ed: Hey, guys! Do you think the Kankers would buy from us??
Eddy: Oh, no! NO! We are NOT dealing with them!
Ed: But-
Eddy: NO!
Double D: Ed, this day has been full of bad ideas... But that is probably one of the worst.
Ed: But it would be a great way to end this cringe worthy story, guys!
Eddy: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! WE ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THOSE PSYCHOS! END OF STORY!
Ed: "End of story"? Okay, that works too! Bye, readers!
Eddy: Wait, what? NO-
But before Eddy can finish, the credits finally roll, putting an end to this god awful story.
THE END
(this will be said on every story i make: if this somehow offended you, go ahead and cry in the comments. your negative energy tastes delicious)