Chapter Text
Vicious was annoyed.
Any other day, he’d have resigned himself to just not being a morning person, but today was... more irritating than usual. The sun was shining joyously bright through a cloudless, blue sky. The snow was melting around them, which caused the rest of his companions to celebrate the return of warmer weather, but it also made trudging through the muddy paths more of a slog than it had to be. There wasn’t a speck of trouble in sight, and everyone else was so chatty. They’d also run out of booze sometime after mid-morning, so after spending the last hour and a half listening to Kanata and Misella dance around in awkward, adolescent flirting, Vicious had a pounding headache.
“Sooo, Vicious, I hear zat you and Aegrouch were childhood friends.”
Vicious grunted. There was that, as well.
Yuna grinned up at him from his right. The journalist had her sights set on him all morning, ever since Aegis stammered through an embarrassingly candid explanation of their shared childhood as the reason why they’d wound up nestled together in a bed last night.
Unbidden, the ghost of Aegis’s warmth pressed against his skin. Vicious shivered; the image he’d woken up to flashing behind his eyes– Aegis curled against his body, their hands intertwined. The sound of the younger man’s gentle breathing echoing in his ears, a vulnerable smile splayed on his face. And all this, after a night spent holding Aegis as he cried against his scales; after Aegis read to him, his tail circled the other man’s waist. After he finally admitted to being the boy Aegis had befriended a whole decade ago, before that whole mess went sideways.
Vicious still wasn’t sure what he felt about all of that.
“Aegis says you spent the winter with them when he was eight.”
“It wasn’t the whole winter,” Vicious bit out. “Maybe just a couple’a months.”
“Three,” Aegis interjected from his left. “It was three months. You… left just before Spring.”
Vicious shot the other man a glare, but it glanced over Aegis’s smiling facade. Unlike him, Aegis Alver seemed perfectly happy with how events had turned out; no doubts, no worries, nada. Just… happy, happier than Vicious had ever seen him since they started travelling together, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
Of course, Aegis had carried the guilt of Vicious’s ‘death’ on his shoulders for ten years, hadn’t he?
“Ah, I must know!” Yuna turned her attention to Aegis with unrestrained glee. “What was it like living with ze Great Transgressor, as un petit bébé?”
Vicious bristled, but then Aegis answered before he could shoot a retort.
“He wasn’t that small.” Aegis laughed so freely, so fondly; warm eyes seeking out Vicious’s across the trail. Vicious almost flinched– there was no reason why Aegis should be looking at him with such unreserved adoration.
No reason why that smile still stirred his chest with an easy warmth that hadn’t been tended to for a decade. Especially not after Vicious kept him at arm’s length for all this time.
“My parents loved him, honestly. He was a bit… coarse, even then, but I think they were just happy I had a friend. And he was a really good one, despite what he might say. He stuck by me and protected me. He helped out with everything and anything he could. He even wanted me to teach him how to read!”
Vicious snorted. By his side, Yuna frowned.
“Zat does not sound like our Vicious.”
“He was… different. I used to read to him, by the fire,” Aegis continued sheepishly. “It’s… what we were doing, last night.”
“Did you share a bed, then, too?” Yuna waggled her eyebrows, but the implication sailed right over Aegis’s head.
“He used to have nightmares,” the all-too-honest knight said with a small smile, shooting a glance over at Vicious. “But they stopped when we shared a bed, so it’s what we did more often than not. Come to think of it… I think I understand why he had them, now.”
Vicious drew in a deep breath. He really didn’t need to see Aegis’s sympathy written all over his face.
“Ah, are you suggesting zat Vicious has feelings and vulnerabilities ?” Yuna elbowed Vicious in the ribs with a pointed look, one which he did his best to avoid. “What other things have changed over ze decade, Aegrouch?”
“He was less rude,” Aegis pondered. “Not polite, but he wasn’t quite so…” He drifted, a frown creasing his brow.
“Vicious?” Yuna supplied a rueful smile.
“Perhaps so.” Aegis’s smile dimmed slightly, and that was all Vicious could take being silent.
“That’s ‘cause I was tryin’ my best not ta be,” he replied, shoving his hands into his pants. “I spent a winter pretendin’ not ta be the Great Transgressor, and we all know how well that all worked out.”
Aegis’s shoulder slumped, a spark of something crossing his features that Vicious was not going to look too deep into.
“Aegis was just the same as he always is,” he continued, ignoring the tightness in his chest. “Bit too naive, bit too dramatic– but always wantin’ ta do good. Protect others. Be a knight, even to some random kid he dug out of the snow. Made it all too easy ta fool him, play that I was somethin’ I ain’t.”
Yuna glanced between them, shifting nervously by Vicious’s side as Aegis bit his lip.
Vicious exhaled, casting his gaze up to the bright blue sky. “In another life, he’d be the best… friend I coulda asked for.”
“And you asked, didn’t you?” Yuna’s voice was quiet. This was why Vicious hated journalists. Especially Yuna, who obviously had no qualms digging the carcass of his heart out and putting it on a platter for Aegis to see.
He grunted and swatted at her. Yuna grinned, and with a sudden declaration of “Ah, mademoiselle, you look très belle zis morning”, she dipped away from the two of them, slipping to join Kanata and Misella ahead.
Which left Aegis, frowning a full step behind him, gaze directed at his boots.
“You weren’t pretending.”
Aegis’s voice was quiet, but steady.
Vicious forced a laugh out of his chest. “How’d ya figure?”
“Because back when I was eight, your laugh was genuine.” Amber eyes jerked up to him, hurt blaring in Aegis’s eyes.
Vicious stilled. Just the night before, Aegis looked at him so warmly as they sat side by side in front of the inn room’s hearth, the gentle lilt of his reading only sweetened by the smile on his face– But now, the expression he wore felt like a slap of cold, uncaring snow against Vicious’s scaled skin.
And the way he looked at Vicious was familiar– silver hair matted with blood, eyes filled with so much pain and confusion, a stranger’s name on Aegis’s childlike lips as Vicious pulled his bleeding body away into the dark and snow; away from the only friend he’d ever known. Left an eight year old Aegis to think that his friend was dead and gone; leaving only a monster who'd torn out of the sheep’s clothing.
He ran a hand through his hair. Last night, he promised he’d stay. That he’d never just leave Aegis again. Tucked Aegis into bed like he had used to when they were children, fell asleep with Aegis’s hand in his. At the time, it felt so natural, and part of him had yearned for this; never quite forgot what it was like to have someone– Aegis– hold him so unabashedly close, to trust him so deeply like any normal human being. And it was all too easy to give in to, no matter how hard Vicious had tried to drown out the memories and feelings in booze and battle.
Yet… what would Aegis think, if he knew the true extent of who Vicious was, the sins that now stained his claws?
Vicious wasn’t one to apologize, would rather own his sin than ask for forgiveness. But he could never bear it when Aegis looked this hurt; always wanted to punch whoever put that expression on Aegis’s face into another universe. Even– especially– if it was himself.
And he couldn’t really bear the burden of hurting Aegis, even after all this time. Even though he’d carried that sin of hurting his childhood friend without question, never faltering, never letting it slip even a decade on, when he first met amber eyes in a darkened forest with Kanata by his side; held that pretense together right up until Aegis pressed his face against darkened scales and cried for him, the night before.
Vicious’s deadened heart tightened in his chest. He truly was the world’s greatest sinner, wasn’t he?
He hadn’t wanted Aegis to recognize him. Not since he thrust a blood sin into him, and forced him to face the worst parts of himself. Even now, he could feel the connection between them, this tenuous, crackling bond that hadn’t existed when they were children; thrumming through his blood, binding the Stain of Guilt over Aegis’s heart to his own power. Binding all of his companions to him, unwittingly, unknowingly. They didn’t know what that meant; the fate that awaited them if they so much as slipped. And Aegis, none the wiser, looked at him as though he knew Vicious; cared about him.
What a fucking joke.
Still, he slowed his pace, falling in step next to Aegis. “A lot’s changed in the last ten years,” he replied. “I ain’t… who I used ta be.”
Aegis snorted, turning away. “That much is clear.”
Vicious did his best not to flinch. Reminded himself to be soft, because he owed Aegis that much, and so much more. “I didn’t want ta give ya the wrong impression.”
“And what impression would that be?”
“I don’t– I don’t know ya. And you don’t know me. Not really, not anymore.” Vicious scuffed his boots against the ground. “Three months, ten years ago– that’s short compared to everything else that’s happened, yeah? You became the Knight Commander of Medagal, an’ I became the Great Transgressor. We ain’t… kids anymore, Aegis.”
Aegis always prided himself on his logical reasoning– surely he’d understand. Yet, the knight’s lips quivered when he replied, “And yet, I never stopped thinking about you.”
That was the whole problem, wasn’t it? Vicious let out a slow exhale. It wasn't that he didn’t get what Aegis was saying, either. Over the years, he had tried, but he couldn’t forget what it was like to be the center of someone’s affection; someone’s unearned trust and love. But to admit that would be to open a door he’d spent years hammering shut, and Vicious wasn’t sure he wanted to look at what lurked beyond that threshold now.
But then, Aegis’s voice spoke up softly from his side.
“What do you remember? From when we were children?”
The knight kept his gaze firmly on the path ahead of them, his pace slow and steady as he watched their companions up ahead. But his hands were fisted in his uniform, and there was the slightest quiver in the tense line of his mouth.
Vicious swallowed the sharp retort on his tongue, and breathed in the cold morning air. He kept his hand tight by his side, instead of reaching for Aegis’s long-familiar warmth.
“I remember your shitty knight training routine.”
Aegis stumbled, a choked noise escaping him. Despite himself, a small smile tugged at Vicious’s lips.
“I remember sittin’ with ya ta watch the sunsets. Out on top of the old houses, where no one else went. I remember how you kept tryin’ ta get me to eat yer lunches as well as mine ‘cause I was all skin and bones, and I refused ‘cause you were the one who wanted ta be a knight. I remember how you protected me from the town bullies, even though they picked on ya all the more fer it. An’ I remember… what it was like, ta just be a kid, just ‘cause I had a friend who believed that I could be more’n I am.”
It was funny how the faded memories regained their color when Vicious spoke about them. He’d forgotten the sensations, the feelings attached to those distant images– buried all of them under years of ash and blood and sin. But when he looked at the familiar amber eyes that had been by his side, it became easier. To remember each breath, each laugh, each smile– every precious moment he had spent with Aegis Alver that he long thought he’d discarded.
But, truth was– they could never go back to those innocent times. Not after the enforcers had reminded him all too clearly of who the Great Transgressor actually was.
Vicious shook his head. This was why he didn’t want to talk about any of this. Didn’t want to feel any of this. But then Aegis’s voice pierced his thoughts, loud and clear.
“I still believe in you.” The knight beside him said softly, earnest amber eyes tracing over every line of Vicious’s face. “I still believe that you’re more than who you think you are.”
Vicious barked out a laugh, raw and digging shrapnel into his lungs. If gods existed, he would have given anything for them to grant Aegis’s wish– but the only god in this world was one who’d built the system that caused people like Aegis to suffer , and Vicious was always meant to put a bullet between her eyes. Even though he was just as bad as she was, when it came down to it.
But undeterred, Aegis scowled, finally fixing him with his piercing stare.
“Despite it all, Vicious– despite the years, and everything that’s happened between us, to us– is it wrong that I still want us to be friends?”
Vicious stopped.
Aegis's question knocked the air out of his lungs, sent his heart thudding painfully hard against his ribs. He couldn't quite catch up to Aegis’s words; nor could he ignore the sting in his chest from the knight's plea.
Aegis continued for a few more paces before he turned to face him, his expression softening. So undeservingly kind towards a monster like Vicious, so easily forgiving. He nibbled his lip, his voice gentler when he spoke again.
“I’d like to try, at least. Isn’t that worth something?”
He should say no. That the Great Transgressor didn’t give a rat’s ass about any of that, that Aegis would be better off staying far, far away from him like they’d been so good at doing until last night–
But amber eyes were filled with a familiar pain. Vicious’s throat caught, his hand twitching at his side. Unbidden, he wanted – to reach out, to press his hand against Aegis’s cheek, wipe away that lonely sorrow that had been wrapped tight around Aegis ever since he met him again.
Aegis never deserved any of the guilt he carried all-too-willingly.
But then Kanata’s loud voice burst through the trees.
“Vicious, Aegis! What’s keeping you guys?”
Vicious winced. In the distance, the rest of their companions had stopped, but they weren't quite out of earshot.
Misella replied, loud enough for him to hear, “If they want to stay behind, we could always leave them in the wilderness. Maybe Vicious will get lost.”
Yuna laughed as she waved at them, her voice carried on the wind. “Ze mademoiselle would be happy to abandon ze two of you if you would prefer a more private tête-à-tête!”
Aegis sighed. A troubled frown pressed his brows together, his hands nervously picking at his jacket’s cuffs. He didn’t make a move towards their companions, his eyes darting down the path and back to Vicious.
Vicious shoved the words pressing against his tongue back down his throat and shook his head. “Looks like the kids are callin’.”
“Vicious–”
“We are… friends, Aegis.” The word felt like treachery on his tongue, but Vicious smiled the best he could, didn’t bare his teeth like the predator he truly was. “Ain’t that what you an’ the others have been tryin’ ta get me to say, all this time?”
Aegis hesitated, and Vicious seized his chance, nudged the younger man’s shoulders with a raucous laugh.
“Don’t worry too much about it. All of this– bein’... us , it’s just hard fer me to wrap my mind ‘round it, that’s all.”
Aegis frowned, but cautious optimism began to peek through his eyes. “Is that what this is?”
Of course not, but Vicious was tired of seeing Aegis pained and sad. Would rather see that bright smile he wore this morning, no matter how much it pierced through Vicious's heart like a spear.
“Yeah.” Vicious nodded. “Now come on. Wouldn’t want Misella ta ditch us, do we?”
He held out a hand. Gazed straight into bright amber eyes that should never look so unguarded against him.
Hated himself all the more, knowing he had damned the boy who had called him friend simply by wanting to be by Aegis’s side.
"Thanks, Vicious."
And, blissfully unaware, Aegis’s smile was pure and bright as he took Vicious’s sin-stained hand.