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Not again… please not again.
Not you.
“I’ll watch over her Loris.” Caitlyn cleared her throat, her eyes not leaving the woman that was lying unconscious on the bed - it wasn’t until the man moved to stand up did her eyes finally move. He stood tall over her and the look on his face, she knew what that look was.
He didn’t want to leave Vi alone, not after what happened. His gaze flickered between Caitlyn and the unconscious form of Vi, a deep crease forming between his brows.
“Just for a few hours.” She whispered, watching as his gaze finally went back to her before he nodded, slipping past her out the door, closing it with a soft click. She looked towards the chair that Loris had been sitting in then over to the large spot in her bed beside Vi. Swallowing down the lump in her throat slowly she moved around the bed the sound of the machine that Vi was connected to beeping steadily in the background.
It did little to bring Caitlyn comfort… only knowing the fact that her heart still beat brought her any solace. Lifting her knees she pushed them into the bed shifting herself slowly like she was going to accidentally wake Vi up. Laying down into the numerous throw pillows she had found she watched the woman sleeping next to her, a hefty gap in between the two of them… for safety - at least that’s what she told herself.
Slowly her body curled up into a ball, her knees pulling closer to her chest in an effort to find comfort in her own presence. She popped a pillow underneath her chin and rested her head on it.
“...Then a real monster showed up. And I just ran away. I left her.”
Slowly Caitlyn lifted her hand two fingers hanging inches over Vi’s cheek where her tattoo was located. A myriad of blue and purple shades, stark against the pale pallor of her unconscious face. Caitlyn bit her lower lip, yearning to stroke the tattoo, yet hesitating on the brink of touching it. Her eyes went to the mark of where she struck the woman - her hand went down not touching the woman just over the right side of her stomach, where she had hit her again.
It was burned into her eyelids, the woman hunched over clutching her side… crying. All because of her.
Caitlyn's heart twisted with regret and self-reproach. She hated herself for what she had done, what she had caused. For inflicting pain on someone she'd hoped to protect, for running like a coward and leaving the one she… loved.
“Please… wake up Vi.” Pulling her hand back, she desperately fought off the choking emotions and tears threatening to spill over, her breath hitched as she whispered into the air once more, “please... wake up.”
Balling her fist she pushed it against her forehead attempting to ward off the onslaught of guilt-ridden thoughts. But the more she tried, the more they relentlessly surged ahead, replaying that horrible moment over and over, like a haunting melody warped in a twisted record player.
As if attempting to physically repel the thoughts, Caitlyn turned onto her side facing away from Vi, pressing her back into the pillows. She closed her eyes and clenched her jaw, her whole body was rigid with tension.
Her head was filled with questions of 'what if's and 'if only's. Could she have done something different? Turning back around she laid on her back staring at the ceiling. Her mind supplied a reel of alternatives - what if she had reacted differently that day, if only she hadn't lashed out in her fit of anger. The thoughts were like a broken record, repeating on loop, consuming her every conscious moment.
Caitlyn turned her head towards Vi once again, her sadness etched into every line on her face. She slowly reached out, tracing a finger lightly over the outline of Vi's tattoo. Her skin was soft yet cold to the touch, a chilling reminder of her current state.
Her skin was more filled out then the first time… likely the efforts of actual food rather than prison food. She couldn't help but trace the edges of her defined jawline, her cheekbones, and dropped her hand when it strayed too near the spot where she had hit Vi. Tears welled up in her eyes again, and using the back of her hand, she feverishly wiped them away - a futile attempt to hold back the river threatening to flow.
Caitlyn found herself whispering in the silence of the room, "I'm so sorry, Vi… so sorry." The words hung heavy in the atmosphere, swallowed up by the incessant beeping of the life machine. It was all she could do not to break down completely.
Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, Caitlyn got up from the bed and moved towards the window.
“Who lives here? Another counselor friend of yours?”
Turning slightly she took small steps looking towards her bedroom door, she could hear the sound of it being kicked open by her mother and the way she said her name when she realized it was her.
Taking a deep breath she turned back towards the bed and forced herself to look at Vi again. The sight of her, so still and cold, stung like a physical blow. Caitlyn could feel her chest constricting in pain as she took in the scene. Her heart ached with the guilt and sadness that was overwhelming her.
With shaky hands, she reached out and fixed the blanket that had been slightly moved because of her own restlessness, carefully tucking it back around Vi's sleeping form, as if to shield her from the chill. Her mother always said tucking someone in showed caring, although Caitlyn didn't think she had ever done it before for someone other than herself.
She noticed a lock of Vi's hair fallen across her face and with a tenderness she didn't know she possessed, cautiously moved it behind her ear. The soft strands slipped through her fingers as they left an odd sensation in their wake - one that was both comforting yet incredibly tormented.
She let out a sigh, suddenly feeling the weight of everything that had happened pressing down heavily on her. Turning around she pushed the chair around before falling into it with a heavy groan.
She sat there body hunched over her elbows resting on her knees as one of them bounced incessantly, a clear indication of her anxious state. Her fingers knotted together in her lap as she stared blankly at the floor, her mind spinning like a whirlwind. She felt lost and helpless, drowning in a sea of guilt and sorrow - not knowing what to do or how to make it right.
She couldn’t lose her… not again.