Chapter Text
Santana had locked herself in her studio five hours ago and wasn’t allowing herself to leave until she finished a new song.
Upstairs Brittany was watching Sesame Street with the kids in the playroom as they danced around. She was looking forward to hearing whatever Santana came up with, but she knew the rules. Santana doesn’t show her any new songs until she’s ready.
Right as Brittany was about to turn off the TV, she heard Santana on the stairs.
“I did it! I finally finished it! Five weeks, six days and 20 hours and I finally finished it!” Santana cheerfully explained before tossing her phone to Brittany. “That melody is finally out of my head. The claps. The woah-ohs. Finally free.”
Brittany put in her earbuds and closed her eyes to listen to it.
After a few seconds, she was able to clap along which Santana thought was odd but whatever.
“Okay, this is amazing. But baby, I know why that melody was haunting you.” Brittany rewound the show where Elmo happily exclaimed it was time for the letter of the day and the same music from Santana’s new song played, clap breaks and all.
“Oh…come on…I stole from Elmo…okay, what about this one, I only have the music ready.” Santana picked a different track on her phone and Brittany listened to it before giving her wife a sad look.
“This music is for the number of the day.”
“I’m a fraud. I’m a fraud who can only write songs for dumb kids.”
“Mami said a bad word.” Leon pointed out.
“Yes she did and Mami is going to in time out.” Brittany explained to Leon. Mentally thinking how a spanking sounded so much better.
“I’m calling Ashley. I need to know what clubs are popular with the kids these days, and what the new slangs are.”
“Well, if you don’t want to feel old, stop saying Kids these days.”
“Oh God. We’re old.” Santana sighed before texting Quinn a picture of herself.
Unholy Trinity Group Chat
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Be honest Q. Do I look old in this photo?
🥓QueenFabray🥓: You don’t look old if you ignore the deep crow’s feet and the few strands of grey hairs you have coming in.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Like if I had to guess your age, I’d say 50. Which isn’t bad.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Oh yeah, every 31 year old likes being mistaken for 50.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: Santana does not look 50. Or 31. When I look at her I see the 13 year old I fell in love with.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: So when you’re having sex you’re picturing her at 13?
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: Wait! No
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: That came out wrong
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: 21. She looks 21. The age was when we got married.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: I mean she hasn’t aged in my mind since I fell in love with her.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: How does Hugh Grant make it look so easy? Is it the extra teeth?
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: I know what you mean B, just go in another room and calm down.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Q you’re an asshole.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Also can you watch the kids this weekend so B and I can go to clubs? I need to get some music in my head that isn’t sung by Elmo.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: You called me an asshole then asked a favor.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: I missed you too bitch. Of course I’ll watch the kids. But what clubs are you guys going to go to? The ones you went to are closed, cougar clubs will let you in or are you going to attempt to find the hot clubs?
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: I’m asking Ashley. She knows the hot clubs.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Hot clubs don’t let in anyone over 22. Unless they’re famous.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: You’d remember that if you weren’t 56.
Brittany had the kids focused on the movie while she pulled Santana onto her lap.
“Will you relax please? You are not old. We are not old. You are younger than both me and Quinn.”
“Why don’t you text some of the girls you usually write with, they’re under 22. They go to hot clubs. See what the babygays are up to. Remind them that at their age we were married.”
“That’s it isn’t it? It’s not that I’m old, it’s that I spent my entire 20s married and living the dream so I didn’t need to waste time at clubs trying to get laid.”
“And that’s why you keep writing melodies that are just songs from Sesame Street. But if you want to go clubbing this weekend we can. The kids will be in bed asleep long before we leave at like 11.”
“11? At night? That’s so late. Can’t we find a hot club that is pumping at like seven?”
“Maybe it’s time to hang up the club anthem writing.”
“Yeah. I guess it is. First sign should’ve been when someone thought I was an original Indigo Girl…”
“Try and sell that song to Weird Al though, see if he wants to do a parody of the Letter of the Day song.”
“I think if he tried to pass off a song about going to the lesbian club and fucking some hot chick he’ll get cancelled.”
…
Santana was in the kitchen cooking dinner for everyone, Brittany was playing with Iggy and the twins, while Valerie was in her highchair keeping her Mami company.
When Santana’s phone started to ring, Valerie made it known that she did not like that the music she was enjoying from said phone was now interrupted.
Without even looking at the number Santana accepted the call.
“ Santana. Great, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to reach you. ” Will’s voice came through the speaker. “ How’s Valerie and the other kids? ”
“They’re good. How are yours?”
“ Good. Good. I was wondering if you’d be willing to come down and help the latest New Directions try their hands at songwriting. ”
“Rachel, Kurt, Blaine, and Mercedes already said no huh?”
“ What? I-I, of course, I wanted to reach out to you first, you’re an award-winning songwriter. ” When Santana didn’t answer him for a few seconds he broke the awkward silence. “ Rachel and Kurt said no. I didn’t try Blaine or Mercedes. I figured Kurt would’ve mentioned if Blaine was willing and I thought you’d be nicer than Mercedes… ”
“She does have a lot of reason to be not as nice in turning you down. How long do you want me to come down to Lima for?”
“ Just a week. ”
“Just a week? Well, how much am I getting paid? Is it a plane ticket or train?”
“ Paid? ”
“Yeah, if you want me to take time off my work…”
“ I thought you were a stay at home mom… ”
“Nope. I’m a PR agent. The songwriting is what I do on the side. So you know, two jobs.”
“ Oh…I need to check the budget then… ”
“Okay, well let me know when you have an answer. Bye.”
Trouble Tones Plus Q
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: I think it really shows how shitty our education system was, that the most caring teacher I had, just called me to come work for free in Lima, for a week and then admitted I’m his fourth choice.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Yeah, pretty sad. So you gonna do it?
Ms.AJones: Wait, what did Mr. Schue want?
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: He wants me to come down for a week and teach the new new directions how to write songs.
Ms.AJones: And wasn’t thinking that means you should be paid, or at least have your travel paid?
Ms.AJones: Wonder why he never asked me.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: He thought he had a better chance of me being nicer.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Which is fair, if anyone has been Mr. Schue’s most over looked and under used talent, it’s you.
Ms.AJones: It is why we had the Trouble Tones anyways.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Could you imagine trying to cast anyone but a Latina in the role of Maria? And then she has the gall to say I couldn’t be Fanny because I’m Latina?
Ms.AJones: Yeah…too bad Rachel turned down Schue. Save you the headache.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Did you tell him all you can write right now is rip offs from Sesame Street?
Sugthegreat: Wait Mr. Schue is still alive? I thought he died in 2012.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: He was at the wedding.
Sugthegreat: How am I meant to pay attention to other people at that wedding when the brides looked amazing?
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: Santana looked so amazing.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: Also we can go to Lima for a week or two. The kids’ll love it.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Ig has pre school.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: You can go to Lima with whoever you want and I’ll stay home with Iggy and take him to pre-school.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: I have a job here. Plus I am not taking three kids on a flight alone, or a train ride alone.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: I want to help, but I’m not sure how I can do that with the kids and everything.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: What did Schue suggest you do with the kids and work?
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: He thought I was a stay at home mom.
Ms.AJones: It’s really a good thing he didn’t come to me…
Ms.AJones: I got an idea.
…
Brittany was reading to the kids in the sleeper cabin while Quinn, Mercedes and Santana were in another cabin talking about their plan.
“This song is great.” Mercedes pointed out.
“It’s really perfect.” Quinn agreed.
“We’re not doing what Schue always does right? Singing an old song to try and recapture his glory days?”
“Recapture our glory days? Girl, look around. You live in a Brownstone that has been fitted out for your family perfectly, you have a wife who loves you, friends who have your back, kids that think you’re a God. Numerous awards for doing what you love. That school was never your glory days.” Mercedes reassured her.
“It really wasn’t. Your glory days shouldn’t include when you were a bitch because you were in the closet. What are you doing?” Quinn explained before noticing Santana was on her phone.
“Googling when the last time Black Eyed Peas were in the top ten.” Santana muttered
“Kids don’t follow top ten anymore…they don’t listen to the radio.” Mercedes pointed out.
“How are you in the music industry if you don’t know this?” Quinn questioned.
“I just write the songs. The artist is the one who needs to be worried about that stuff.”
“Do you have an original to show them?”
“That is not about Brittany’s genitals, or breasts.” Mercedes quickly added. She was offered too many songs about how parts of Brittany were holy.
“Of course I do…also I know better than to sing Your Pussy is God, to a bunch of children.”
“Her Body is Bible is appropriate though.” Quinn pointed out.
“Yeah, see Mercedes Quinn agrees.”
“I’m not having this argument again with you.” Merecdes rolled her eyes. “You’d think after living the same week over and over you’d stop writing songs about her body.”
“The predictability of married life.” Quinn teased.
“The comfort of routine.” Santana corrected. “It’s not like we aren’t still spontaneous, I mean there is no way to keep that out of Brittany. It’s just smaller now, instead of last second trips across the world it’s surprise activities for the kids, or she’ll interrupt me during work for a surprise date. Brittany is amazing and I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather have by my side. But enough about my love life-hang on.” Santana slipped out of the cabin and came back with Brittany.
“Okay, the kids are asleep, we’re face timing with Britt’s phone so we have a baby monitor in there. Now. Enough about our love life-”
“What about our love life? I wanna talk about our love life.” Brittany looked around surprised. “Last week, I finally got Santana to try out this role play I saw in a porno-”
“Britt! Sex life is not the same as love life.” Quinn rolled her eyes. “We know you two fuck like rabbits.”
“No, only I fuck like a rabbit, Sanny’s not horny nearly as much.” Brittany grinned.
“Britt.” Santana groaned.
“What? It’s not like we haven’t had sex with Q, and Mercedes knows there’s always an option invitation to her.”
Santana gave a sigh.
“So is it only the New Directions you’re helping?”
“They’re all Schue mentioned. But if the other clubs want my advice I wouldn’t say no.”
“I swear if the Trouble Tones are once again getting ignored.”
“It’s a school run by Schue, of course they are.”
“How come they’re like the only performing arts school with a football team and cheerleading squad?”
“Because even as a private school, Sam couldn’t be a full time teacher without getting some kind of schooling for it and since it’s the only high school in Lima, Schue was forced to have a ‘Non-Alternative lifestyle’ physical activity.”
“I keep forgetting how red Ohio is.” Quinn mused.
“That’s because of how beloved by the red you are Miss Aryan Princess.” Santana rolled her eyes.
“Your wife is just as Aryan as I am.”
“Hey! I am not as Aryan as you! I grew up with a Korean father, I have half Latinx kids. I also don’t have a gun on my person at all times.”
“Wait, Quinn has a gun?”
“Relax it’s just a Jennings J-22.”
“We don’t speak gun Quinn.” Brittany rolled her eyes. “And it better be unloaded because I told you I don’t want that near my family.”
Santana was about to add to the lecture when she heard Valerie on the phone.
“That’s my cue, someone wants to be fed.” Santana got up.
…
Quinn laughed at the mini that was in front of them.
“Just think, you’ll never have a car smaller than this.”
“Shut up.” Santana grumbled as she installed car seats on her side as Brittany did the same with her own side.
“Four’s enough right? You’re not going to be buying up mini busses just to move your kids are you?”
“Maybe. Britt said she wanted 12.”
“That is crazy.”
“Oh, it is.” Brittany agreed. “But I want 12. So that way if Rachel attempts to start a glee club, we can beat her by just using our kids.”
“Perfectly normal reasons for wanting an insane number of kids.” Quinn laughed. “And that one for agreeing with it.”
“Hey, far as I’m concerned this s-h-i-t-h-o-l-e world needs more Britt in it.” Santana shrugged tightening the final straps on the last car seat. “Now, first thing’s first. I gots ta get my Stix on.”
“Not those gross doughlogs again.” Iggy groaned.
Quinn just nudged Mercedes.
“And if you don’t want to be stuck between two car seats in a car where Santana is throwing a bigger tantrum than any child, because her son doesn’t like breadsticks, I suggest you ride with me in this nice luxury car, which does not come in mini van.” Quinn loved Brittany and Santana. She loved their kids. But after a long train ride, she could use some peace and quiet away from the loud family.
“I’ll be riding with Quinn.”
…
Brittany was ripping up parts of a breadstick putting it on Leon’s and Casey’s trays.
Iggy was sitting between his two aunts, he wanted to sit to next to them both.
Santana had Valerie on her lap as she looked over the menu while munching on her own breadstick.
“Do you really to look at the menu?” Quinn rolled her eyes at Santana.
“Yes. We get here, what once a year if we’re lucky. Since we’re here for like a week, I need to make sure that I go through the top items for the two meals we’ll here a day.”
“I did not agree to eating here for two meals all week.” Brittany was quick to point out.
“Fine, you don’t have to join me for one meal a day.”
“San…”
“Get the eggplant parm.” Quinn suggested.
“I am not wasting a meal on eggplant. Do I want white or red…”
“She’s not talking about wine is she?” Merecedes asked looking at Quinn.
“Of course she isn’t. She’s talking about whatever sauce she’ll have. One that’ll upset her stomach, or one that will give her heart burn. Don’t worry San, knowing how sensitive elderly people are, I brought you some tums.”
“Q, you’re literally the oldest at the table. San’s the youngest of the adults.”
They all looked at Santana awaiting her reaction to Quinn’s insult only it never came.
“She’s not even listening.” Quinn muttered.
“Okay, I’m getting the rigatoni with spicy calabrese-style pork ragu. What about you Britt?”
“You didn’t hear a thing any of us said did you?” Brittany asked with smile.
“No, sorry I was trying to think about what I wanted. Did I miss something?”
“No, not a thing babe. I was thinking about getting the shrimp. Iggy is good with the kid’s spaghetti. The twins can share a chicken parm and Val is fine hogging the best pair of t-i-t-s.”
“Wait, you’re not planning on breastfeeding at the table during dinner are you?” Merecedes asked. “I’m all for a baby’s gotta eat, but no one needs to see your t-i-t-s out at the table during dinner.”
“Relax. Her feeding schedule is not the same as ours. Vallie is fine. Britt’s just jealous that the only person on my t-i-t-s is Vallie and not her.”
“It’s just, just as the twins were off the boob-”
“Stop suggesting knocking me up then.”
They were half through their meals when Santana’s phone started to go off incessantly.
“Great, why is the office calling?” Santana muttered before checking her email. “Guess who said some s-h-i-t she was warned not to say? Just the second hardest client I’ve ever had.”
“Ooh, when you call Renee, ask her if Leighton stays with Alicia in the new season, and ask her if any of the writers were in high school with us, because Leighton is just the rich white version of you. Or just finally give me the phone and let me speak with her.”
“No. I do not need Brittany and Brittany but with less of a filter, teaming up. Plus your PR advice is always speak honestly, and first thought good thought. My boss literally has banned Queso Por Dos for my clients.”
“I go on Queso Por Dos…” Mercedes pointed out.
“You’re the exception. You’re the one client they are not worried about my wife making look bad.”
“Hey! I would never try to make your clients look bad…I just wouldn’t hide any bad thing…”
“And that is why her clients aren’t allowed on the show. Except for Mercedes.”
…
Brittany was setting up the travel crib in her parents room.
“I am so glad we convinced my parents to stay in New York. This house feels too small when they’re all here. Which is weird because this is a big house.”
“Oh it’s a huge house. You can fit two of my parents’ house in this house. But when it’s full, it does feel small and smothering.” Santana admitted. “So tomorrow I’m suppose to go to Mckinley around eight. I was going to get a ride with Quinn and ‘Cedes. Do you mind staying home with the kids for a bit?”
“Of course I don’t mind. I am not subjecting our kids to whatever fresh hell this new batch of New Directions are. I mean, being led by Sam who is probably being puppetted by Schue, they’re going to be a mess.”
“Yes, yes they are.”
“Mami! Come play Paw Patrol with us!” Iggy called out.
“Go play with them. I’ll get Valerie to sleep. It’s fine, I got a bottle, I’ll rock her, sing to her, do everything, you play with the kids.”
“I’ll ask them if they can wait an episode of paw patrol length for us both to put Vallie down, then we can both play with them.” Santana pressed a kiss to Brittany’s cheek.
Santana went downstairs to the living room where a bunch of plush toys were set up.
“How would you guys like to stay up an hour later than usual?”
“Yay!” Casey cheered waddling her way over to Santana.
“But first, we can’t play just yet. Mommy and I need to put Valerie to bed, so how about I put on one episode of Paw Patrol, and when it’s done Mommy and I can come play with you. Good plan?” Santana looked at the three kids for confirmation. When no one complained she turned on the TV, and turned on a random episode of Paw Patrol. “Okay, if you need anything just call out for us. Be good. Don’t leave this room. Keep your eyes focused on the TV.” Santana said before running back upstairs.