Work Text:
“Do you think of her when you fuck me?”
By the silence, Maddie can presume Caitlyn has long since fallen asleep since their late-night escapades between the sheets. But Maddie knows better. She can tell the difference in Caitlyn’s quiet — the silence when she’s distracted and pays no attention to what Maddie is saying, the silence when she’s busy planning her proposals for the Council in the afterhours. Caitlyn is always wordless, and even more so since the last time Jinx slipped out of her grasp.
But this. This is Caitlyn’s silence when she’s holding back.
“Who do you mean?” she finally replies.
Maddie rolls her eyes. In the dark with Caitlyn’s back turned to her, she can.
“You know who I mean,” Maddie counters, light and teasing.
“No,” Caitlyn insists. “I don’t.”
A fucking lie. Maddie knows it. A lie, just like this whole relationship was. How much Caitlyn pretends is laughable. Inane. Infuriating.
Of course, Maddie is pretending, too. But since when is being a hypocrite a crime?
Maddie takes a breath. “Stop acting like you don’t know. You know exactly who I’m talking about,” she says, answering herself before Caitlyn can deny yet again. “Vi. I’m talking about Vi.”
Maddie hears the rustle of silk bedsheets as Caitlyn turns to face her — angry steel blue eyes, a dark scowl, and furrowed eyebrows. “Why are we talking about Vi?” she demands.
“Because you still love her, don’t you?”
Caitlyn’s lips thin as they press together. Maddie can see her thinking about how to reply before ultimately not saying a word and flipping over, her back to Maddie once again.
“Well, you didn’t say no,” Maddie says as a matter of fact.
“Shut up,” Caitlyn snaps.
They argue like this sometimes. It never escalates, of course, because Caitlyn is too political to incite trouble within her rank and Maddie has a job beyond keeping Caitlyn’s bed warm. Maddie knows Caitlyn is just using her as a second body. And Caitlyn knows she knows it.
But Caitlyn will never admit it aloud, preferring to live in an already broken delusion that she’s done with Vi and she’s done with the Undercity and she’s done grieving the loss of her mother. And Maddie won’t ever press the matter, skirting around questions on why she joined the Enforcers and on why she has never been to all these different restaurants and eateries around Piltover and on why she knows so much about Noxus of all places.
Such is the nature of their relationship. Something temporary, something practical — nothing more. Maddie would be mistaken to think otherwise.
Frankly, Maddie doesn’t allow herself to think very much at all. If she does, she’ll wonder about a world where Caitlyn trusts her. A world where Caitlyn cares enough about her to shatter the nationalistic Noxian propaganda ingrained in her head. A world where she’ll plan treason against Ambessa.
Sometimes, late at night when Caitlyn is nestled in her arms, she’ll think about it. Sometimes, when Caitlyn smiles at an offhanded joke she makes, she’ll consider it.
It’s a good thing Caitlyn doesn’t smile very much now.
Often, Maddie worries that Caitlyn actually sees right through her. Caitlyn is indeed as astute and intelligent as Ambessa warned. But Caitlyn is too preoccupied with her good-for-nothing ex-lover that she didn’t seem to notice how frequently Maddie “checked in” on her or how easily Maddie fit herself between Caitlyn’s thighs.
“It’s okay if you still have feelings for her,” Maddie says. She’s surprised to hear how dejected she sounds. “So much has happened.”
“And what does it matter to you?” Caitlyn interrupts, briefly turning her head to shoot her a look. “I’ve already told you that I don’t want to talk about her. Especially not with you.”
“I’m sorry,” Maddie apologizes, as Caitlyn turns to face the window again. Slowly, hesitantly, Maddie reaches out to touch Caitlyn’s shoulder. “I don’t mean to argue. I’m sorry for bringing her up. I just… I know you’re still hurting and—"
“Why do you even care about my feelings?”
Maddie’s hand snaps back, as if encountering a high-voltage barrier, and drops down to the bed.
Yes, why does Maddie care?
“Because…” Maddie trails off. She tucks her hand back under her pillow. “Because I care about you,” she says dully.
It’s a line she’s practiced so many times she’s starting to believe it herself. Or maybe it’s a line so convincing because she felt that way all along. Maybe that’s why it was easy for Maddie to agree to be the insider to the newly named Piltover general.
The best lies are the ones wrapped in truth, after all.
A long silence falls between them, with Maddie’s truthful lie still hanging in the air.
It pisses her off, honestly. She can’t believe that after everything Vi did, Cait is still hung up on her. Vi is a distractor, an aggressor, and a criminal. Maddie even tried to dispel her prejudices against Vi already; she met Vi personally and, sad to say, Vi did not exceed expectations. Despite her tough shell and metal fists, Vi is soft, weak, and easily swayed.
Caitlyn deserves better. Caitlyn deserves loyalty, devotion, and reliability.
Sure, Maddie herself isn’t the exemplar of who Caitlyn deserves either but why in Celestials can Vi be excused and forgiven while Maddie cannot? Why does Caitlyn love Vi and not—
But now Maddie’s thinking too much. She can’t allow herself to do that.
Being jealous is not part of the job.
“I love you,” Maddie says. “Will you forgive me?”
Silence again.
Silence still while Maddie waits for Caitlyn’s response.
Silence still as Maddie chooses to believe that Caitlyn has long since fallen asleep.