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Oh, how bad (F/n) (L/n) wanted to be able to feel.
Sure, she could feel pain in her heart when insulting words were casually casted her way. She could feel pain when her comrades died from the brutality from those beasts that humanity fought seemingly endlessly, the titans. People would say that (F/n) was an important part of the Survey Corps since she could not feel physical pain, that she could get her limbs torn apart yet keep fighting. She wanted to beat those people inside out, the ones that thought she was a piece of meat, useful because she gave them what they wanted.
But despite the major cons of feeling pain, all she wanted: all she desperately wanted was to feel. To be able to feel the rough but smooth texture of the rocks, to feel the wind bend and swirl through her fingertips, to feel the smooth surface of her sword and to feel the wind run through her hair as she sailed throughout the skies with her 3DM gear.
Every day sine the incident, she would desperately touch anything she could reach. Her fingertips would smother over the covers of books and run down the walls of her sleeping chamber. Her body would always tingle: as if it too was working to feel what she wanted to feel. As if it was on the edge of feeling, yet pulled back.
Tears would unknowingly cascade down her face daily as she tried to hopelessly grab something. Though she couldn't feel it directly, the pain in her heart was undeniably there, signalling that tears were there. She almost had her own way of feeling now. By reading the expressions of peoples' faces and trusting her gut. But even that never payed off much. She tried to get used to her other senses to help her touch. Whenever she sat beside a stream, her ears would perk up and her sight would kick in. The way the water flowed smoothly over rocks and rippled across indents engraved in the ground. When she put all of these together she could faintly create a feeling for it. But even so, it was like waking from a dream. You could faintly remember it: but you could never grasp onto it long enough to truly remember it.
And that's what she hated.
She had wallowed in her sorrow for too long. Thinking she was just a use for the Survey Corps like a piece of meat. It definitely piled up on her shoulders, weighing her self-esteem down and affecting her train of thought. Her mind would wander to things she should never have thought of, like 'Would I be missed if I died?' 'Am I really strong enough to be in the Survey Corps?' 'Do I deserve a life?' Those horrifying thoughts raced through her mind and twisted through her remaining happy thoughts. Her expression became weaker and paler. Her eyes became sunken and dark circles were firmly placed under them.
Unfortunately, Captain Levi also noticed this. He had never listened to Petra's calls towards him, warning him that (F/n) might be in a hard position and suffering from possible depression. He had never seen anything wrong with her besides her loss of touch, but then again: he had never really known her. Levi Ackerman never really bothered to get to know anyone, so it must have been casual for his gaze to flicker over (F/n)'s appearance and move on.
But one day, he finally noticed when he was giving out chores for the squads including his own.
(F/n)'s fingertips were scabbed. Her eyes were even more lifeless than usual, and her arms were obviously weak as she couldn't raise them properly to salute. She didn't even seem to be alive, and it was hard to pass.
Levi gave her a hard look to try and sort out what was happening, then spoke.
"Scout (F/n)," he drawled towards (F/n) without any emotion in his tone.
"Y-yes sir!" (F/n) said weakly.
Levi noticed that her arms' skin was slightly torn in places and that her elbows didn't bent correctly...Was she lifting weights all night? Levi doubted it. There must have been something going on with her that she hadn't said yet, besides the fact that she may have been hurt from not being able to touch. Had he taken that sense for granted? Levi could only wonder how miserable life would be like if he lost the ability to touch...to feel.
He inwardly sighed and trained his steely gaze on (F/n) once again. "Sweeping for you," he informed her. (F/n) twisted her eyebrows in confusion. "Shouldn't I get a harder chore?" she asked the Captain with a quizzical look embedded on her face.
"I feel like going easy on you. Don't question it." He muttered, deciding not to call her 'brat', which he knew could hurt her seeing her in this terrible state.
Said girl nodded, turning on her heel to retrieve a broom. Levi's gaze followed her as she walked. There was something up. And by all means, Levi Ackerman was going to find out about what was happening and what her thoughts were.
Why?
Because he didn't want someone he loved to feel this type of endless and un-escapable pain.
~*******~
Evening had arrived for (F/n).
She dreaded the night. She would try so hard to gain back that one sense. Her dreams would be filled with her being able to touch, but even in her dreams, she could never grasp it. Currently, the girl was sitting on her bed, her head resting on her hands that were propped up on her knees. Quiet sobs shook her body. She guessed that tears were tumbling from her eyes from the feeling in her gut.
Damn, she was tired of having this life! She couldn't even take this stress on her shoulders anymore. She was tired of having to imagine a life that wasn't even hers, a life that was merely a fantasy and dream. And dreams never seemed to become real whilst living in reality.
Her own reality was slipping away from her grasp. Her memories had begun to become blurry, like the state one would be in after a dream.
(F/n) (L/n) wanted to escape.
Her figure tumbled to the ground as she curled up in a ball and tried to quiet her cries, rocking herself back and forth on the ground. Through various attempts, she still could not stop herself. Part of her mind was asking, Is this really what I've come to? Crying on the ground like a helpless child. I should be ashamed of myself. No one will hear your cries, (F/n).
Despite what she thought, someone did hear her cries. That someone was Corporal Levi Ackerman. He was trying to finish up paperwork he was assigned when he heard muffled sobs coming from one of the rooms down the halls. At first, he ignored it. He had heard and seen many comrades and Squad Leaders alike crying their eyes out in the midst of the night. It wasn't unseen with the hell that was going on around them.
But once it got louder and more desperate, Levi realized that the person was crying about something, not just over their self pity and grief. His quill stopped writing as he listened intently for a moment. They became choked and just plain unbearable for Levi. Wether he was irritated from it or actually slightly upset for the person, he didn't know, he just wanted it to stop.
Levi ran a hand through his raven coloured hair. He knew on firsthand that interrupting someone's sobbing session never ended smoothly. With an emotional person experiencing unthinkable things: yeah, he didn't want to get in on that. He preferred to stay out of situations like those so he could keep his peace of mind. But sometimes, he would feel a little hurt whenever he saw the pain and desperateness in someone's dying eyes, asking him, begging him to make sure they were useful to the uprise of humanity.
With that thought, Levi decided to investigate. He rose from his seat and gently pushed his wooden door open then quietly walked down the hall until he stopped at the door that the sobbing was coming from. He hesitated slightly and caught his breath before he rapped his knuckles softly on the door. Sobs were replaced with hiccups.
"W-w-who's th-there...?" a quiet and broken voice asked weakly from the other side of the door.
Levi immediately recognized the voice as (F/n)'s. His eyes widened as he nearly flung the door off it's hinges. "(F/n!) Levi exclaimed as he rushed to the broken girl's side. Levi didn't know why but he suddenly felt like he should be there for her and protect her, embrace her and tell her that it would be alright. And here she was, staring at him with pain-filled eyes and a broken heart trying to keep in her cries.
He didn't even know what the hell he was supposed to do.
Should he hug her or just tell her to stop crying? No, he couldn't just bluntly tell her to stop crying like that. This was serious and no time to inflict pain on (F/n).
He hesitated as he wrapped his arms around her shaking body, but he doubted that she could feel a damn thing.
"(F/n)..." the raven haired man murmured, "what's the matter?"
It was unlike himself to act out like this, but he was most definitely upset at the moment as (F/n) was sitting there, curleld up in a ball, trying to filter the pain.
"I-I..." (F/n) started, "I c-can't live with this anymore, Levi. I try so hard everyday to goddamn feel something. I can't take this stress off my shoulders...It just piles up! I can't stand how people treat me like meat, only valued because I have some pathetic use that helps them pay off! Do you realize that I am considered one of the most important soldiers in the Survey Corps because I cannot feel physical pain?!"
Levi stared wide-eyed at the girl who had just given a heartfelt speech. This is what was going on with her. This was the reason why her (e/c) eyes that he learned to love so much didn't even shine anymore. She had given up on hope...And Levi could feel her pain.
He wrapped his arms tighter around (F/n) and buried his head in her shoulder.
"Listen, (F/n). Whoever says that about you is mentally fucked up in the head. They have no right to say that, and believe me, once I get through them they won't be seeing daylight again." Levi chuckled darkly without humour. He couldn't believe someone in they Survey Corps had enough nerve to consider (F/n) that! She was a warrior for her own purpose. She could not be labelled like that under Levi's watch.
Suddenly, the girl gasped and jumped up, holding her wrist close to her chest. Her eyes were wide and her expression was blank. She didn't even seem to be breathing. Levi was still was he waited to see what was the matter. He placed a hand on her shoulder. "(F/n)..? You alrigh-" he was cut off by (F/n) grasping his hand tightly. "L-L-Levi..! I- I CAN FEEL!" she shouted to the man as she suddenly embraced him. Her fingers viciously ran through his raven locks, almost hungrily. She would touch his face and cup his cheeks.
Levi. Levi was the first thing she could feel in years. The way his silky locks ran through her fingers was like a fresh wave rolling over her. His soft skin was like silk to her.
And she realized that she loved him. You could say she was too blind to her feelings, pushing them away or never really noticing them. But now, she saw everything. With the wall of not being able to touch broken, she could see clearly. She could finally filter her life and it seemed as thought she was finally alright. Before she knew it, (F/n) found herself sobbing into Levi's chest as he let her touch him and embrace him.
Her tears soaked his shirt but he didn't even seem to care about that the least bit. Her hands were trembling as she tried to remember the feeling of Levi. Being able to feel, to touch. As if this sense was going to be stripped away from her.
She could only manage one thing at this point: a sweet truth.
"L-Levi..." she mumbled into his shirt, "I love you. Damn, those words don't even cover it. I adore you and I look up to you...You're everything I want to be...You've never seen me as a piece of meat and actually thought I was useful based on my skill and ability! You're like the hope I think about when those goddamned animals come at me..."
Levi stayed silent, taking in this confession. His fingers ended up gently massaging soothing circles onto (F/n)'s back.
"(F/n), thank you for being you. And to be fucking honest...I love you too."