Work Text:
"I'm in love with him, will I still go to heaven?"
The silence in the room is suffocating. Father stares at me with something I do not get. Is it pity for me, or is he disappointed that someone he raised turned out this way? I do not know, but what I do know is that he's not disgusted by me; all I see is pain in his eyes.
I stare at him, waiting for him to answer.
"Yes."
1996.
"Tanrak?"
"Yes, father?"
"That's Barth, try to be friends with him."
Friends.
That's all we were supposed to be. Nothing more, yet here I am standing in front of him, letting his lips lead mine. Letting him have me. What's scarier is the feeling I'm getting right now, the feeling that I can never deny this man anything.
"Tanrak, Tanrak, Tanrak." He repeats my name like it's the only word he has ever known. The only word he was taught. The sounds he makes make me burn inside out, and I'm left thinking, Is this what love is? But is love supposed to feel so wrong? All I ever want is to lay in his arms forever, but am I allowed to?
These words eventually die down when all I feel anymore is him; in fact, he's so close that I'm mentally incapable of thinking anymore. All I can think of is to have him closer, with me, within me; I want to be whole with him.
"Barth, Barth, Barth." It's until the sun comes up when I'm finally reminded that I'm not just his anymore. That I'm reminded I can't just stay in his arms forever. That I can't just mold my lips to his and keep kissing him forever.
As I lay here in his arms, feeling the heat of his body against mine, I wonder: Is love supposed to feel so sinful? Is it supposed to make me burn like this, on the inside and out? Is it supposed to make me question everything I've ever been taught, everything I've ever believed in?
I look over to my right and see the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes upon, and in that moment, every sin I've committed, from falling in love with a man to laying here in his arms, is all worth it.
Everything is worth it.
1997.
"I'm in love with him, will I still go to heaven?"
"Yes, if you can learn to let him go."
I'd rather die and burn in hell.