Archive of Our Own

1: I’m lonely but I’m good

Eddie doesn’t know what to do with all of his time. He works, obviously; that takes up the majority of his time and during the moments he’s working, he feels okay. He’s surrounded by people he knows and cares for; He’s got Chim and Hen and Bobby and Buck.

Buck.

Woah.

That’s a weird place for his mind to zone in on. Very weird.

It’s probably unimportant. He doesn’t see why it would be important anyway so he just shakes that thought right off, marking it off as completely and totally unimportant.

He clears his throat and rolls himself out of bed. He doesn’t work today so it’s not really like he has anything to get out of bed for considering the fact that his son ran off to Texas because he was a fucking idiot who decided to cheat on his perfectly good girlfriend with a quite literal clone of his son’s mother - and his dead wife - in their living room, where his son could see everything. Great going, Eddie. Truly winning father of the year with that one.

But, well, in his defense, the woman was fucking acting like Shannon, saying she was her and telling him all of these things - telling him to say the things he’s left unsaid to the real Shannon - and it was messing with his brain, okay? It was messing with his mind and he just gave in because something in him told him to, the urge was so strong, he just needed to get it off his chest. He had to say the things he did and he just wishes that he didn’t because it was clearly the worst decision he could’ve ever made seeing as it cost him his son.

Just thinking about it gives him that funny feeling set in the back of his throat like he’s about to cry. He bites his cheek and wills the tears away, he doesn’t feel like he deserves to cry, to be completely honest. In fact, sometimes he feels like he deserves all the pain and hurt he feels because it really is all his fault and he knows he caused a lot of pain and hurt in his own son. He’s failed the kid more times than he can count and, yeah, he loves him enough to never stop trying so he let Chris go because his brain knows that that’s what his son needs right now but, for the love of god, his heart is telling him to get the next flight out to Texas and bring his son home. Then his friends’ voices ring in his head and those tell him he needs to give his son space.

His friends’ voices. Eddie sighs out heavily just thinking about his friends.

Buck tells him that none of it his fault (he’s lying, Eddie’s mind supplies) and that Chris just needs some time, that he’s going through a lot. Chim says that he doesn’t even know what he’d do in that situation but he thinks that Eddie’s handling it well (Eddie feels like he’s going insane, there’s no way this should be classifed as “well”). Hen tells him that it was an odd situation and that this was probably one of the best ways it could end (Eddie feels like that’s complete bullshit because the best way for it to end should include him waking up to make his son some damn breakfast). Bobby tells him that it’s appropriate to give Chris his space but to make it be known that he’s still there for him if he needs him (that’s really fuckin’ difficult considering that Chris won’t talk to him at all, even when they call. The most that Eddie will get out of his son is some simple one word answers, if he even answers at all).

They all tell him that they’re there for him if he needs them but it’s too hard to reach out. They all have their own lives, their own people, their own things to do. He doesn’t want to burden them by asking for company and he doesn’t feel like he deserves any of their help when he put himself into this situation. Besides, he’s never really been the sort of guy to go to his friends and spill his guts out to them.

He sighs heavily. Somehow, he’s found himself in the kitchen now; he must’ve walked here while he was lost in his thoughts. So, he decides that he should actually eat something since he’s not really been the best at remembering meals since now it’s just himself that he has to remember for, nobody dependent on him. Not that Chris was really that dependent on him before he left, the kid was growing up before Eddie’s eyes and now he just sees it on a screen, barely even that. He hates it.

He just goes to the cupboard, though, to grab out a bowl because he needs to stop thinking so much. He has to physically stop himself from grabbing two (grabbing two was force of habit for a long time after Chris left, it took him a long time to break it and he’s still not fully there). He grabs whichever cereal is within the nearest reach - he doesn’t really have any of the “fun” ones anyway, now that Chris isn’t here to beg him for them, so it’s not like actually choosing would do much for him (sometimes, when he’s at the store and feeling particularly lonely away from Chris, he’ll buy a box of Chris’ favorite cereal then eat the entire thing in just one night).

He pours the cereal out into the bowl, sticks a spoon in, then moves the whole thing to his fridge so that he can easily dump the milk in. He doesn’t even bother to put away the cereal at all. It’s not like there’s anyone here to judge him except for his own mind and, to be completely honest? His mind has enough to judge him for already so there’s not really room to judge him for leaving an opened box of cereal on his own kitchen counter.

He’ll put it away later.

He sits down at his table and stirs the cereal around, feeling incredibly alone since his son isn’t here to eat with him (he’s had so many breakfasts without Chris now but it never gets easier, he never feels less alone), watching as one the pieces of cereal move around in the bowl, hitting the side just before sliding back down. It’s oddly reminiscent of him in a weird, milky sort of way. Like, no matter what he’s doing or how he feels, he just continues to fall back down over and over again and there’s not even anybody around him to help him out. Or, maybe, the people around him are too busy also falling to even notice the way he is, he notes as he sees other pieces of cereal hit the sides and fall right back down, unable to do anything to help the ones on the other side of the bowl - Hell, completely unable to do anything to help the pieces right next to them in the bowl.

He knows it’s just fucking cereal and he probably needs to stop thinking so much about it but god damn he’s never related to a food so much in his life. He feels an ache pounding in his chest at the emptiness of his table, just thinking about how nice it would be if Chris were here to talk about his plans for the day or if Buck were here to rant on and on about one of his fun facts that Eddie really should be annoyed by but is instead just increasingly captivated by him-

Them, he corrects.

Not him.

Them. The fun facts. He’s increasingly captivated by the fun facts, not Buck. He scoffs lightly to himself, somewhat of a chuckle. Captivated by Buck? That would just be weird. He’s not captivated by Buck, his fun facts are just interesting, that’s all.

That’s all.

Suddenly, he doesn’t even have an appetite anymore. He shakes his head at himself, as if he even had an appetite to begin with. He sighs and rolls his eyes, spooning some of the cereal into his mouth. He forces himself to chew and swallow but eating just feels like his least favorite chore nowadays. He used to enjoy it, he’d use it to spend time with the people he cares about but now it’s just something that he makes himself do so that he can live long enough to even see those people that he cares about.

Just then, his phone lights up and when he looks over at it’s spot on the table, Buck’s name is filling the screen. Eddie wants nothing more than to just answer him but he knows that Buck is busy today so he’s sure that Buck is just calling him to be nice and if he’s being totally honest with himself? He feels like he doesn’t deserve to talk to Buck. Not right now, at least. Maybe not for a while.

He turns his phone over and takes another bite of his cereal.

***

2: I’m bitter but I swear I’m fine

Eddie’s mental space doesn’t really get any better as the days turn into weeks, which turn into months. Months without his son all because of some lady who looks like the spit image of his dead wife. He wants to put all of the blame on her. He wants to say that she’s completely at fault for showing up to his home, walking into his living room, and pretending to be Shannon. He wants to scream about it because, logically, oh god, logically he knew that it wasn’t Shannon. He knew that Shannon is dead and he knew that she couldn’t be standing in his living room but the more she talked, the more his heart wanted to believe until it finally did. Then, he was kissing her and that decision effectively ruined everything.

It’s not all her fault, as bitter as he is toward her for doing that, for being the reason his son is gone right now. He knows that he’s at fault for this too. A lot of fault. He’s the one who went back to that damn shop to talk to her in the first place. He’s the one who carried on a friendship - a relationship - with her. He kissed her for fuck’s sake. He’s at a lot of fault too.

He’s the reason his son his gone right now.

He can blame her all that he wants but it wouldn’t change the cold hard facts. It’s his fault, it’s alway been his fault, it will always be his fault, and he fucking hates it. It’s gotten so bad that it’s sort of been affecting the way he does his job. It’s not like he’s doing a bad job, per se. Everything around him reminds him of his son and he tries to stay in good spirits at work but all of his friends can tell that he’s not.

Maybe he’s not the greatest at hiding it or maybe his friends are just incredibly observant. Either way, they can tell. It’s not that he’s being particularly mean to anyone, he knows better now than to take his anger out on other people. That can never end well. Last time he did that, he nearly killed a guy, he was so filled with rage and thought that that was an actual healthy way of getting it out. That fighting is one of the most embarrassing times of his life, thinking back on it makes him upset with himself. He’s learning to better control his emotions and he knows that he needs to be sure to effectively channel them into something more productive. He just can’t help the way that he’s completely and wholeheartedly angry. He’s angry and he’s sad. He’s hurt and he’s not having a good time.

He misses his son and he wants him back.

He misses spending time with him, he misses tucking him into bed (even though he’s “too old” for that now, Eddie still likes to do it sometimes; much to Christopher’s dismay), he misses surprising him by picking him up from school, and he misses seeing the smile on his son’s face whenever they would do anything. He misses being teamed up on by Buck and Chris and, hell, he misses the way Chris would roll his eyes at him when Eddie asked him to do something he wasn’t particularly fond of. He misses the joy from Chris when he knew that they’d be spending time with Buck. He misses the sass and he misses the attitude and he misses his son.

He misses everything about the kid and that’s not something he can just stow away. So, maybe he’s a bit more snappy at work than usual but he’s not mean. He’s definitely sad and keeps to himself a lot more nowadays than ever before. Even back when he first joined the team he wasn’t this closed off. He knows it’s probably not the most emotionally healthy way to deal with something, he should really find a different outlet. Something that isn’t just completely shutting down until he breaks but that’s something way easier said than done.

His friends and coworkers have noticed his mood and, obviously, they know what the cause of it is. Anybody who’s known him for any decent amount of time clearly knows what’s going on. Hen has asked if there’s anything that she and Karen can do to lighten his mood. Bobby has told him that he’s always welcome around his and Athena’s place (as small as it is, currently) if he’s ever feeling particularly alone. Chimney has asked about how he’s doing and Maddie has told him that if there’s anything he needs, they’re there for him. Buck, though? Buck has been doing everything in his power to make this lighter on Eddie. He’s come around his house to try and get him to hang out. He’s called him multiple times to check in with him. He’s done so much for Eddie and Eddie appreciates it so much, he loves it, even. He loves spending all this time with Buck but, also, honestly? Eddie hates it all the same because he feels like he’s being a burden.

Nevertheless, he makes it a point to try his best to show up for Buck, he doesn’t want Buck to feel like he’s mad at him or anything because he is far from that but it’s so difficult when he always feels so damn alone. He finds it difficult to actually get up and do anything when doesn’t feel like he deserves to be able to. Then, when he’s with Buck, it’s like all his issues melt away for that one singular moment and all is right in the world.

Then, Buck leaves and Eddie’s left alone with only his thoughts again and he feels like complete and utter shit. All of the time. He’s lonely and he hates it and he’s angry.

But he’s fine.

Or, he’ll be fine, maybe. Fine is such a difficult concept, he finds it hard to know what it really means. So many people use it when they mean that they aren’t feeling good, when they don’t want people to worry, when they aren’t actually fine. Eddie thinks he’s probably using it in that way right now, as much as he wishes he could actually be fine. He wants so badly to be fine but he can’t be fine when it feels like part of him is missing.

He’ll continue to say that he is, though. He’ll continue to pretend to be.

Just fine.

***

3: I dreamed about it in the dark

Eddie wakes up quick, his eyes jolting open and he stares up at the ceiling, barely being able to make it out because of how dark it is in his room. He takes a deep breath and just focuses on the ceiling, making out the patters and little imperfections because anything is better than thinking about what the hell he just dreamt of. Or, rather, who the hell he just dreamt of.

Evan Buckley.

Now, it’s not that strange for him to dream about Evan Buckley, in fact it’s pretty common for Buck to be in his dreams. Most of the time, they’re on the job, putting out fires or rescuing people - It might end up a nightmare on occasion after a particularly bad call they went on during a recent shift or something. Sometimes, they’re in some fantasy world, so far away from reality, where they’re on an adventure, just figuring things out as they go. There’s no worries for them, they don't have to be concerned about the difficulties and limitations of real life because they can just be whoever and whatever they want to be. Just on their adventure. On occasion, Buck even shows up in some of his other nightmares, - ones not because of his current job but, rather, because of his past one - a face trying to ease him while he’s having flashbacks to the army. This dream, however, is an incredibly strange one for Buck to show up in because, well… He’s pretty sure they were on a date.

Which is weird, right?

He’s straight. He’s literally been married to a woman and that’s, like, super straight of him.

Right?

That’s literally the most straight he can get, marrying a woman, having a son with that woman. He tries not to think about what he’s learned about Athena’s past, her having an ex-husband, Michael, who was actually gay and still got married to her and had kids with her, too. Surely that’s not the same, though, right? Eddie loved Shannon, he was… in love with her, right? He had to be, he-

Surely, he and Buck weren’t on a date in this dream, it can’t be. Or- Or, y’know, maybe they were on a date but Buck wasn’t even the person in the dream, maybe it was someone else and Eddie is probably just imagining things since Buck is his best friend. Yeah. That would make more sense than… anything else.

He tries to go back to sleep but he can’t actually find it in himself to let the sleep take him over when he shuts his eyes. It won’t take him and, so, insteand, he pushes himself up so that he can sit up in bed, no longer staring up at the ceiling. He moves his legs to hang off the side and rubs his face a bit to wake himself up. He glances over at his bedside table where his clock is blinking the time at him.

2:44 AM.

Of course it’s two in the god damn morning and he’s sitting here wishing Buck was by his side. A laughter begins to take him over, his small at first but it grows and grows until he feels absolutely manic and this ever growing laughter is only suporting that feeling. He can’t stop the laughter as it continues to take him over, he’s folding into himself, actually clutching his stomach and letting his face touch to his knees. It takes everything in him to sit back into a somewhat normal position and move his hands away from his stomach.

He grips at the sides of his face with his hands instead, practically slapping himself on both sides, in an attempt to get himself to calm the fuck down. Somehow, it works, so at least that’s a plus. He rubs at his eyes and realizes that he’s incredibly tired. Of course he is, it’s nearly three in the morning but also he’s not sure that he’ll even be abel to sleep, it’s only been a few minutes since he last tried and he doesn’t think that a few minutes will make that much of a difference. So, instead of laying back down to try to go to sleep, he pushes himself out of bed and wanders around his house.

Normally, for him, waking up in the middle of the night would mean going to check on his son - peeking through the door to make sure he’s in there, alive and well - and then maybe get some sort of snack but that can’t be what it means for him anymore, there’s nothing good that comes from him waking up at this time in the night anymore. His son is gone and he can barely get himself to eat proper meals; the only things that keep him going right now are his job and his best friend and the possibility that one day his son might want to come back home. One forcing him to eat because Eddie needs the strength on the job and the other forcing him to eat because he cares, while the final one forces him to eat for the hope of it all.

The darkness and the silence are both kind of soothing to him as he wanders through the hallway and into his living room. He wishes someone was here but he also feels like he doesn’t deserve to feel anything but alone and his guilt for feeling soothed for even a second starts to eat him alive, he shouldn’t be soothed, he should be in agony (he ignores the voice in the back of his mind that tells him that he is in agony). He put his son through some ill feelings so he deserves to feel that a million times worse but, god, he wishes Chris or Buck were here. He hates that he’s alone in this damn place, he hates that he feels completely useless without anybody here. There’s nobody to take care of and there’s nobody to worry about and there’s nobody to argue with and-

He could call Buck. Buck would answer and he’d be unreasonably glad to do so, he wouldn’t be upset or anything. He’d grin into the phone and greet Eddie, he’d offer to come over and he’d probably even reassure Eddie that he’s no burden. Maybe he’d lie and tell Eddie that he was already awake anyway just to make sure Eddie doesn’t feel bad about calling.

Spoiler alert: Eddie would still feel bad, no matter what. Even if it was true, his mind would tell him it’s not.

So, he doesn’t call.

He could call Chris. Chris wouldn’t answer, though. For one, he’s definitely asleep and wouldn’t wake up for a phone call. For two, hell, Chris probably wouldn’t even answer him if he called in the middle of the day. He’s angry with his father, rightfully so. Eddie just wishes that he knew some way to get through to him. He wishes that he’d take a phone call from him and they can work on fixing their relationship.

Eddie knows that’s easier said than done.

So, he heads back to his room and tosses himself back into bed, staring straight back up to that all too familiar ceiling. He hates that damn ceiling. He shuts his eyes but all he sees is Buck’s stupidly handsome face-

Woah.

What.

Eddie shakes his head, trying to get rid of whatever that thought was. He stares back up at that ceiling that he dreads, it’s probably for the best he does that but… He keeps thinking about Buck. Buck. Buck. Buck. He thinks about his best friend in ways a person probably shouldn’t think of their best friend but he can’t help it. The man is invading his dreams in more ways than one, he can’t just deny the fact he was absolutely on a date with Evan Buckley in that dream he just had. He can try to say all he wants about it to convince him of other possibilities but he was undeniably on a date with his best friend in his dream.

He can try to refuse it all he wants but he can’t deny the fact that he wishes Buck was with him right now. He can’t deny the fact that he spends every minute that he’s alone wishing Buck was there. He can’t deny the fact that when he’s with Buck, he immediately feels better. He can’t deny that Buck is the only person, aside from Chris, who he never gets tired of (and will never get tired of, ever)

He can’t deny the fact that he’s going back to sleep right now entirely for the possibility that he’ll dream about Buck again because seeing him in his dreams will have to be good enough considering he can’t see him in real life right now since it’s three in the morning. He shuts his eyes with only one thought going through his mind.

Shit.

Okay, maybe there are two thoughts in his mind because he’s also thinking about one Evan Buckley.

Shit.

***

4: Nostalgia is a mind’s trick

It’s one of those days where Eddie isn’t working so he’s left sitting in his home alone completely unsure of what the day has in store for him. He keeps thinking about last week with the god damn dream he had of Buck. He can’t shake it out of his head.

He’s never felt this way about someone before and it confuses him to no end. He hates it, he hates everything about it and the fact that the anniversary of Shannon’s death is coming up? That just makes everything all the more complicated. His feelings are running wild, he feels so alone and he can’t help but think about how Chris is feeling right about now. Surely, he’s not feeling alone, he’s with his grandparents, but Eddie just hopes that he’s doing okay.

He stares down at his phone, his son’s contact staring back at him and he just gives in. He presses the call button and puts the phone on speaker, unable to find it into him to bring the phone up to his ear. He just has to call him, he has to make sure he’s doing alright. The anniversary of his mother’s death is tomorrow and Eddie just knows that he’s absolutely feeling that right now.

Much to Eddie’s surprise, the phone only rings once before there’s an answer and a whisper of, “Dad?”

“Hey Chris,” Eddie tries to hide his excitement at Christopher answering him so quickly but he’s honestly more relieved that anything.

The next words that come from Chris’ mouth are, “I miss her.”

“I know,” Eddie whispers back, “me too,” He, obviously, doesn’t even have to think twice before knowing exactly what Chris means by that.

Shannon.

There’s a lull of silence between the both fo them, it’s just them sitting there with each other and Eddie tries to make the most of it but he still just feels so incredibly alone because this time of year is just a constant reminder of Shannon. Shannon being gone.

Chris is gone now too, which Eddie hates. Eddie hates that he’s all the way over there in Texas without him and he hates that he hates it because he deserves what’s happened after what he did with Kim, what Chris saw. Eddie knows that he should just accept everything that’s happening but he misses his son and he misses Shannon.

He doesn’t think he can say it enough but he just fully hates the fact that he drove his own son away.

So, when Chris mumbles a slow, “I wanna come back home, I miss you.”

Eddie fucking breaks. He’s so gone and he tries to hold it in, not wanting Chris to hear him as he cries but the tears of joy just come out so quickly and he breathes out that sigh of relief immediately.

“I’m on my way,” Eddie tells him, already getting up and grabbing his wallet and keys, “I’ll be there tonight.”

They hang up the phone after Eddie tells Chris he loves him (Chris doesn’t say it back but Eddie tries not to let that sting too much) and Eddie is immediately on his way. He thinks about calling Buck to ask him to drive down to Texas with him but the problem is that he knows Buck would say yes in a split second, even if he doesn’t actually want to, and Eddie really doesn’t want to do that to him.

So, he goes off on his own. He sets off maybe ten minutes, if even, after Chris told him that he wants to come home. He’s been waiting for him to say that and now that he has? Eddie isn’t wasting any time.

It does take quite a while for him to actually, finally, get to his parents house and pick Chris up. His parents weren’t expecting him - apparently, Chris didn’t tell his grandparents that he wanted to go back home - and they fought him on it a bit, trying to claim that Chris has been happy here, that him wanting to go home is just his emotions spiking becuase of his mother’s death anniversary coming around but Eddie made sure to remind his parents that this was only ever just temporary. It was never a permanent thing, Chris was always supposed to come home and now he is.

Eddie knows that even if this is just a momentary lapse in Chris’ judgement and he wants to come back here shortly, it’ll devastate Eddie even more but he’ll let it happen. God, he just wants the best for his son, even if it eats him completely up inside.

He ends up staying the night at his parents house to get some rest before they get on the road in the morning by his parents’ request, mentioning that it isn’t a good idea for Eddie to do such a long drive again so late at night without sleep. So, he stays but he’s is sure to remind his parents that he and Chris will absolutely be leaving in the morning.

Buck calls him a few hours later, saying that he showed up at Eddie’s house but he wasn’t there so Buck was wondering where he was. Eddie told him that he drove down to El Paso and he and Chris will be coming back in the morning. Buck, of course, gets extremely excited that Chris is coming home but then also asks why Eddie didn’t ask Buck to come with him. Eddie feels bad, he wants to try to assure Buck that it's nothing to do with him and it's just what happened, so Eddie ended up making up some excuse about him leaving in a rush, not really thinking (which isn’t entirely gone from the truth) and didn’t really think about calling anyone. Buck seems to accept that for what it is and bids Eddie off, telling him to be sure to drive safely.

Shortly after, Eddie and Chris have a long talk and they’re able to get themselves mostly back to normal. They leave fairly early in the morning the next day and arrive back to LA sometime in the late afternoon. It’s obvious that Chris is thinking a lot about his mom so it doesn’t surprise Eddie when he asks if they can go see Shannon’s grave. Eddie would never dney that request, not for his son or for himself, so not even 20 minutes after arriving back home and bringing Chris’ things in, they’re right back in the car to head first head to grab some of her favorite flowers and then they’re right on track to the cemetery where Shannon is buried at.

Neither of them say anything as they walk up to the gravestone, Eddie watches as Chris lowers himself to the ground to sit down on the grass next to his mother. He hands him the flowers and Chris places them down ever so gently, it’s hard to miss the tears streaming down his face.

“I miss her,” Chris sniffles and Eddie just wishes that there was a way for him to take all of that pain away for Chris but he can’t. As much as he wants to, he just can’t.

He can be there for him, though. So, he kneels down and places a hand on his son’s shoulder, whispering, “I miss her too,” because he does.

He really fucking misses her.

Hell, it’s the reason for everything that happened with Kim, everything that ran Chris away. He’s racked his brain about why he misses her so much, he really has; they didn’t have the best relationship and there was plenty that went wrong in it. Eddie knows that all too well and obviously it’s not weird to miss her. They were friends and she’s the mother of his child but Eddie isn’t sure he was ever really in love with her.

He thinks that, maybe, he misses her the most as the mother of his child rather than his wife.

He’s not sure they’d have ever worked out in that way.

***

5: Quick, quick, tell me something awful

Eddie’s come to the quick realization that maybe he’s not who he’s thought he was his entire life. Most people say that this sort of realization isn’t typically something that’s all of a sudden but, rather, something that most people sort of always have an inkling about their whole lives.

Though, he guesses that Buck’s realization was pretty sudden and-

Okay, shit, even in his own self-realization of him confirmming to himself that he is, in fact, gay, he can’t stop thinking about Buck. His mind is just filled with Buck. Buck this and Buck that.

Everything is Buck because of course it is because he’s fucking… in love with the man. He feels like it’s wrong. To him, it's wrong. He feels like he wants to crawl out of his skin and never enter it again, which he knows is bad and he shouldn't feel that way. He’s never had a problem with anyone from the community but him coming to his own realization that he’s a part of that community makes his coming up as catholic come rushing to the surface.

He doesn’t know what it is, he really doesn’t but it just feels wrong to him, it feels like he’s doing this whole life thing wrong. He’s been with women before, he’d never have thought in a million years that he was anything but straight and now he’s sitting here with the realization that he’s the complete opposite of straight. He honestly doesn't think he even needs to question his sexuality at this point, he knows, as much as he doesn't want it to be true, he knows.

He’s never been into a woman in the same way he’s into Buck. A man.

He hates that he has to keep this to himself. Normally, he’d go to Buck with a realization like this and Buck would help him through it but he can’t do that because Buck is the reason for this realization. So, Eddie’s left feeling the most unsure he’s ever felt in his life while also never being more sure about one thing.

He’s gay and that’s terrifying.

It’s new and it’s different and it’s terrifying and he really hopes that it won't be nearly as bad for him as his brain is making him think but it's just- He feels so lost despite having just really found himself. It goes against so many of the things he was taught being raised catholic. Sure, he doesn’t really follow that religion nowadays but it’s roots are still there and they are buried so deeply inside of him that he isn’t sure how to pull them out.

He wants them gone, he wants to be comfortable in his own skin, he wants to be able to love Buck without his own mind shouting at him for it being wrong or bad. He’s spent so much of his life doing things that have brought him pain and fear and loneliness and he doesn’t want this to be another one of those things. He needs this to be different, he needs this to work out in his favor, he needs it to be good. He’s sick and tired of feeling so alone even with a million people around him.

***

+1: I hate it here so take me to the lakes

Eddie thinks Buck is a goddamn idiot.

One moment, they’re out on a call, doing a rescue; it’s a normal, everyday kind of situation.

Until it’s not.

Eddie hears a gunshot out of nowhere coming from right behind him, he immediately turns around to see what’s going on but all that he sees is his dumbass best friend moving in front of the bullet, a bullet that was clearly heading right for Eddie. Eddie knows where Buck was and he was nowhere in range for that bullet, he wasn’t.

Fuck.

He doesn’t freeze or anything when he sees Buck go down, no. He knows better than that, he may have only been a medic in the army, but he was still in the army, so he doesn’t freeze. He springs into action, moving swiftly down to Buck’s side. He can’t quite make out wherever the shot came from and he’s unsure if there’s a threat of another shot so the most important thing is to move himself and Buck to safety. He doesn’t let the guilt of knowing that bullet was meant for him eat him alive or anything like that. Not yet, at least. He just moves to safety, he has to. He’d hate himself forever if Buck died here, in his arms, because he didn’t try to help him.

The rest of the moment is kind of a blur, Eddie doesn’t really remember much from then to the ambulance getting here to Eddie sitting in the waiting room just waiting for what feels like the longest moments of his life. He can’t remember who else was near them and he can’t remember where he even brought the two of them to. He can’t remember when he called it in but he must have because help came. He does remember tending to the gunshot on Buck, putting pressure on the wound, he remembers Buck waking up for a moment to look Eddie in the eyes and say, “It didn’t hit you, right?”

Eddie just scoffs, if Buck weren’t pretty much dying in his arms, he’d have smacked the man. Instead, Eddie just shakes his head, “I’m fine and-” Eddie doesn’t get much else out before Buck is passing out again. Eddie’s so torn between feeling sad and afraid that Buck might die and being absolutely angry at him for taking a bullet meant for Eddie. He acts like he’s expendable and apparently no matter how much Eddie tries to convince him that he’s not, he won’t get that into his hard head.

Eddie doesn’t let that guilt really eat at him until he’s sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by their team and Maddie and, god, Chris shows up too wondering about Buck. When the guilt does hit him, though, it hits him hard and fast. It’s pretty much all consuming and the people around - Bobby and Hen and Maddie and, well, Chim is there too, trying his best - him try to assure him that there’s nothing he could’ve done but he can’t help the way he thinks about all of these what ifs.

It doesn’t get any better at all when the doctor does finally come out to update them on Buck’s condition because pretty much all they’re told is that he’s in a coma and they can’t say for certain that he’ll come out of it. Eddie wants to scream and shout and destroy everything in his goddamn path but he’s learned to control himself, to hold himself back. So, as much as he wants to do all of those things, he does none of them. Instead, he follows the doctor over to Buck’s room - with Maddie and Chris following as well - and he sits right at Buck’s side, holding onto his hand for dear life, afraid.

He’s reminded of the last time Buck was in a coma and he’s terrifies that this time his best friend won’t make it out. He’s afraid that he’s going to lose Buck before he ever really got to have him. God, he just figured himself out, he just learned what he really wanted from Buck and now he might not even be able to tell him. He’s just going to be perpetually alone.

He already lost Chris for way too long and that was like losing a part of himself, he just got that back. He can’t lose another piece of himself before that piece ever fully became a part of himself. He just got Chris back, that piece of himself came back into his life but he hasn’t felt whole yet and he’s learned that that’s because of Buck. He needs Buck. He’s only ever felt truly content with himself and where he is - so opposite of alone - when he has Buck and Chris. He can’t- He won’t lose either of them, not again and not ever.

“Come on, Buck,” Eddie whispers, he doesn’t even care if he’s being completely obvious about his feelings for the man. He’s pretty damn sure that Maddie already knows and Chris probably isn’t that far behind either, if he’s not made the realization already.

It doesn’t take long for Maddie to grab onto Eddie’s shoulder and whisper into his ear, “I’m gonna take Chris down to the cafeteria to get something to eat so you can be with him for a moment, okay? We’ll be back.”

Eddie can’t find it in himself to say or do anything except just nod, his eyes fixated on his Buck. Maybe if he was more in his mind, he’d thank her or assure her that she doesn’t have to go anywhere but he’s not in his mind. He’s feels like he’s barely in his body, just holding tightly onto Buck’s hand, listening to the sound of his monitors beeping in exactly the way they’re supposed to. He only barely registers the sound of the door opening and shutting as Maddie and Chris take their leave. He hates that Buck is lying in this bed because he took a damn bullet for him.

If Eddie wasn’t already completely and hopelessly in love with Buck yet, he certainly is now.

He’s never leaving this man alone after this unless it’s something he absolutely wants. He can’t bear the thought of being with Buck and so Buck has to wake up. He has to wake up, he’s survived so much already, he cannot be taken out from this. Eddie refuses to let that be a possibility in his mind (unfortunately, just because you refuse something doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen anyway; plenty of people refuse onions on their burgers and a countless number of times, burgers will still arrive with onions), he has to believe that Buck will be okay, that he’ll come out of this because if he doesn’t- If Buck dies, then, to Eddie, it might as well have been him to pull that god damn trigger.

The next few days all blur together, there’s no sign of him waking up and, so, Eddie can’t even really bring himself to care when he’s told that the person who was shooting at them has been taken into custody because that doesn’t mean shit to him if Buck doesn’t recover. Eddie hasn’t left his side but he’s made sure that Maddie goes home and she’s insisted that she and Chimney will watch after Chris. Chris requests to stay at the hospital at first but the hospital only allows one person to stay overnight and, somehow, that person was Eddie.

Maddie hadn’t even fought him for it in the way Eddie thought she would, she just looked at Eddie and said, “You take care of him, alright?”

Then, when she had seen the confusion on Eddie’s face, she just smiled softly with sad undertones and said, “I can’t be the one to take care of him forever, you got him.”

Eddie sure hopes she’s right, he sure hopes that he’s got him. He needs him, he can’t- He can’t do this without Buck. He hadn’t realized how dependent he is on Buck until his son left him; he hadn’t realized how dependent he is on Buck until he was all he could think about; he hadn’t realized how dependent he is on Buck until he figured out that he’s in love with him.

So, he needs Buck to live. He needs Buck to wake up so that Eddie can tell him, so that he can figure out if Buck loves him too or if it’s all in his head. He doesn’t think it’s all in his head, the man just took a bullet for him afterall, but there’s always the possibility that it might. There a possibility that Buck just sees him as a best friend, which would be… fine.

Eddie would get over it, he’d figure it out, he’d- He doesn’t know what he’dd o honestly, but he’d survive. Probably. He’s survived being alone before, many times before. He’d suffer a lot but he’d be fine. Probably.

It’s all of these thoughts that are filling his brain that cause him to actually miss Buck waking up. It takes Buck clearing his through and calling out Eddie’s name for Eddie to turn hish head quick enough to give himself whiplash just so he could look at Buck.

Buck who’s awake. Buck who’s talking. Buck who’s alive.

Eddie’s next breath has him feeling like he’s gasping in all of the possible air he can manage, like he’s breathing through a straw despite him completely opening his mouth. He doesn’t let go of Buck’s hand, in fact he’s pretty sure he squeezes it a little bit tighter, “Buck.”

“That’s my name,” Buck grins like he wasn’t just in a coma for days because he was dumb enough to get himself shot.

Eddie scoffs but he can’t even find it in himself to make it sound like he’s mad at all, there’s only fondness in his voice when he says, “You’re a complete idiot.”

“Well, I never said I wasn’t,” Buck chuckles but quickly stops to wince, “okay so laughing isn’t allowed.”

“This isn’t funny, Buckley. I though you died.”

“Well, I didn’t,” Buck smiles and Eddie admires the way it makes his eyes crinkle.

“You took a bullet for me.”

“Yeah, I remember,” Well, at least that’s a good sign, no memory issues. The doctor was concerned that there would be, “it kinda hurt.”

Eddie rolls his eyes and shakes his head, “Y’know, I thought we talked about not acting like you’re expendable. You aren't and-”

“Eddie,” The way Buck says his name in that moment is something that will always get his heart to skip a beat, “I didn’t jump in front of that bullet because I thought it’d be better if I got shot, I jumped in front of it because I knew that I couldn’t handle it happening to you again,” His eyes travel around the room a bit before meeting Eddie’s.

“Buck,” Eddie doesn’t mean for the name to come out in a whisper but it does and he can’t go another second without just saying it. He should be going to get a doctor or a nurse but he just needs to get it out, he can’t handle it being unsaid anymore, “I love you.”

Buck chuckles lightly, being sure not to hurt himself, “I love you too, Ed-”

“No, Evan, I’m in love with you- I-” Eddie licks his lips nervously, to make up time for what he wants to say, how he wants to say it. He doesn’t know how to do this, he just knows that he has to, “I love you.”

Buck’s eyebrows furrow together in that adorable way that they always do and it’s taking absolutely everything Eddie has to stay silent, to let Buck formulate a response, “Are you serious?”

“You don’t have to love me back like that or anything, I just needed you to know,” Eddie starts to get up from his chair and pull his hand away, “I should’ve waited until you were recovered, I’m sorry Buck, I just-”

Buck doesn’t let him pull his hand away, though. He reaches after it, even if it does require him to wince in pain just a little bit, “Eddie, I love you too, I just never thought it was possible for you to feel the same way about me.”

“I didn’t either,” Eddie admits, taking a step closer to the side of the bed so that now he’s pressed up against it, “I’ve been racking my brain on how to tell you since I found out and I imagined it to be maybe a little more romantic than this but-”

“I think it’s fitting, we spend half our time in hospitals anyway, what’s one more important moment,” Buck jokes and it makes Eddie fall even deeper in love, if that’s even possible (spoiler alert: it’s not, he’s already as far as he can go), “and, I promise you, I’ll try to stay away from from hospitals. Never again, Eds.”

Eddie has a hard time believing that that can actually be true because, sometimes, it feels like the man is magnetized to hopsitals, “You said that last time too.”

Buck doesn’t even skip half a beat before saying, “But this time I mean it. Promise.”

And if that doesn’t bring Eddie even a little bit of comfort, he doesn’t know what will. It feels like more than just a promise of not getting himself stuck in the hospital, it feels like a promise of never leaving Eddie alone ever again and that jolts Eddie to a quick and sudden realization.

He really wants to kiss Evan Buckley.

He doesn’t know how to go about it, though. He’s never done anything like this before, he hasn’t ever kissed a man in his entire life and he doesn’t even know where to start. He supposes that asking is the first step, right?

“Buck?”

Buck hums in response and Eddie just asks the question without any mental preparation, “Can I kiss you?”

Buck smirks, “Like I’d say no to that.”

Eddie’s in shock that Buck actually said yes that he doesn’t even make any moves to actually do it. Of course, it’s this moment that he freezes instead of back when they were out there getting shot at. If he could, he’d face palm at himself right now but he’s currently busy being completely mesmerized by Buck.

“You’re gonna have to come down here, Eds, I’m a bit hurt,” Buck says incredibly lightheartedly, motioning for Eddie to lean over.

That, of course, snaps him out of whatever freeze spell he had going on and he leans down, slowly toward Buck’s face. He’s scared, nervous about actually connecting their lips. he’s got a million worries and questions racing through his mind like what if he doesn’t actually like the kiss? Or what if Buck doesn’t like the kiss? What if this isn’t what either of them really want? Or worse off, what if this isn’t what Buck really wants and Eddie’s just ruined everything?

He doesn’t really get much more time for questions though because even with him stopping right before meeting Buck’s lips, Buck manages to lean up just enough to close the gap between them. The kiss is soft and it’s slow and Eddie doesn’t know what he was even worried about because it’s beyond amazing. It’s the kiss that has him finally letting go of Buck’s hand in favor of touching the side of his face, feeling the light stubble from the lack of shaving (due to the, y’know, coma thing).

Buck does a similar thing but instead reaches his fingers around the back of Eddie’s head, combing through his hair for a moment before moving it back to cup Eddie’s face. He uses his thumb to wipe away some of Eddie’s already drying tears (he honestly hadn’t even realized he’d been crying but if he had to try to recall, he’d say it probably happened as soon as he realized that Buck was awake - tears of relief) and he deepens the kiss just ever so slightly. It’s new to Eddie, he’s never kissed a man before, but he’s pretty sure he can absolutely get used to kissing this one.

The only reason the kiss even stops is because of a very loud, Maddie sounding, “ahem,” and a dramatic clear of the throat. The two of them part away quickly, as if they’re two teenagers who just got caught by their parents or something. Though, instead it’s Eddie’s (their) son and Buck’s (their) sister.

Eddie knows that Maddie would probably take the opportunity to say something to tease one or the both of them but she’s clearly just so relieved to see her brother alive and awake that her face softens immediately with a smile on it, “Hi there.”

“Hey Mads,” Buck grins that dopey thing that he’s usually sporting but it’s only directed at his sister for so long because then he spots Christopher and it just grows, “Hey there buddy, how’re you doin’?”

“I’m pretty sure I should be asking you that,” Chris speaks steadily and makes his way over to Buck’s side, slowly but surely, “hey Buck.”

Eddie smiles at the scene of them hugging and Maddie holding her brother’s hand, he just feels so complete. Finally. He knows that, now, he doesn’t have to worry about being alone anymore. He’s certain of that much, he doesn’t have to feel that way ever again - In fact, he doesn’t think he’s ever had to worry about being alone because he was never truly alone, even when it felt like the entire world was working against him to isolate him, Buck was working harder.

So, Eddie will never be alone. He has his family (and he’s not just talking Buck and Chris; he means Maddie and the whole team, too) and that’s more than he’ll ever need.