Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Siyeon cursed softly as she hacked up blood with what looked like a mixture of some rose petals, thorns still intact. She sighed heavily, leaning over the bathroom sink, hands gripping the edge of the sink tightly. She breathed heavily for a few more moments, in hopes of recollecting herself.

After some time had passed in silence, Siyeon opened her eyes hesitantly, afraid to glance down and witness the bloody mess in the sink before her. A soft gasp left her lips as she witnessed the bloody sight before her. Rose petals covered in a dark, thick crimson liquid. The once pristine white of the sink was covered in blood, looking completely covered.

Siyeon dreaded the thought of having to clean the sink, knowing that the longer she was inside the bathroom, her members were start questioning her presence and could even end up walking in on the bloody mess. Standing back up properly, Siyeon decided to hurry up and clean off the blood as best as she could. That would’ve been the case had it not been for her persistent and occasional coughing that left her doubling over.

After what felt like a gruelling good few hours, Siyeon was finally done. The sink did have some leftover stains from the blood, but thankfully it wasn’t as obvious to anyone who simply used the sink for its intended purpose. Stretching a little, Siyeon heard a few bones pop as she let out a soft sigh of relief, her back aching quite a bit from her hunched over position.

Cleaning herself off, and ridding herself of that copper scent blood tended to leave behind, she finally exited the bathroom. Immediately she came face-to-face with Minji, whose face was painted with worry. Siyeon cursed internally, forgetting how worried Minji tended to get whenever one of the members would disappear for long periods of time.

“What happened to you? You were in there from almost 2 hours!”

Siyeon grimaced as Minji continued to lecture her, eyebrows furrowing a little as she tried to ignore the aching in her chest. A usual telltale of when she’d coughing again. Quickly making up an excuse, Siyeon managed to get herself away from Minji’s watchful eye. Or so she thought.

“Ah, i just had an upset stomach is all, i’m sorry for making you worry…”

Minji’s eyes softened at Siyeon’s words, arm reaching out to gently rub her shoulder. A comforting gesture. With what was considered a comforting gesture, Siyeon only felt her chest tighten, and her throat constrict more. Flashing Minji a small smile, Siyeon excused herself into her bedroom, immediately rummaged through one of her drawers, pulling out a small packet, which had been concealed at the very back of her drawer.

Siyeon let out a soft sigh of relief as she pulled out the small packet. She opened it, pulling out a small syringe and a small vial, containing a foggy liquid. She glanced towards the door, a little unsure if she had locked it, but felt another coughing fit creep up, making her divert her attention back to the needle in her hands. Opening the vial, Siyeon pulled back the syringe, allowing the liquid to enter the syringe tip.

Gently setting down the now empty vial, Siyeon lifted up her sleeve, finding a vein before slowly injecting herself. A small wince left her lips before a soft euphoric sigh replaced it, as the liquid slowly settled into her bloodstream. Ensuring every drop was gone, she slowly removed the needle, a small trickle of blood leaving the small wound.

Feeling rather euphoric, Siyeon slowly stood up, cleaning up the empty vial and getting up to wash the used needle. Her movements were rather sluggish, as she swayed a little, watching as her vision divided into two. After a few attempts at walking steadily, she finally reached the bathroom, hunching over the sink, hands gripping the edges in an attempt to ground herself. Her hands worked slowly, washing the needle, and setting it aside before washing her face.

As she lifted her head, she saw the bloodshot red her eyes were. Cursing softly, Siyeon stumbled out of the bathroom, keeping any evidence of the needle back into her drawer. She then flopped onto her bed heavily, eyes drooping as she let the euphoria lull her to sleep.

Siyeon ended waking up due to a harsh coughing fit, petals mingled with blood landing onto her lap, covering her white blankets with patches of red. After her cough subsided, Siyeon continued to breathe heavily, clutching her chest tightly as she sobbed. Hard, broken sobs racked her body. She tried to keep her sobs to a minimum, not wanting anyone to stumble in on her. Her pathetic and broken state.

Siyeon felt all her emotions pour out, her dam of emotions breaking as she too felt parts of her soul slowly chip away. As she sat there, shirt covered in patches of blood, with ugly tears rolling down her face, as snot dripped from her nose, she thought about how unfair this universe really was. When she was younger, she had been warned of such a disease, called the ‘hanahaki disease’. She’d been reminded and advised countless times to never keep any of her emotions bottled up, for she could become a potential victim to said disease.

Back then, it was the easiest to simply scoff at the story of such a ridiculous disease existing, simply because of unrequited love. But now, as she sat in the dark bedroom, shirt and sheets covered in blood, did she realise the severity of the disease. She felt a small, broken chuckle leave her lips, as though amused by the ridiculousness of the predicament she was in.

It had all begun when she had been casted into the company, and having debuted as Minx with her other four members. She had originally felt nothing but admiration for all of her members, being proud and amazed by their skills and talent. That was, until she realised how her heart and words would stutter whenever Minji, the oldest member, would try and talk to her.

When she’d first joined the company, she had been closed off, preferring to stick to herself, and only ever conversing with the dance teachers and the ceo whenever he’d dropped by their practice room. On the very first day she’d joined the company, she was full of nerves, legs bouncing as she nervously waited on the couch outside of the ceo’s office, awaiting for when she’d be called.

As she sat there, thinking of all the possible questions that could be asked, and the various answers she could give, she was startled when she heard a soft voice. She looked up, surprised to see a girl looking similar to that of a bunny, peeking around the corner and waving to her.

She was hesitant to wave back, subtly looking behind her to see if there anyone else behind her, that the girl could’ve been waving to. Seeing. as there was practically no one there except the both of them, Siyeon hesitantly lifted her hand to wave back at the girl shyly.

The girl had such a wide grin on her face that it was almost blinding to look at. The girl had immediately sat down next to her, introducing herself as, ‘Minji’. Siyeon was a little startled by how friendly ‘Minji’ was, but composed herself a little before softly introducing herself. Well, that was the last time Siyeon remembered looking at Minji as only a friend.

After they had failed as Minx, and disbanded, Siyeon felt a little lost. She didn’t know what to do from then on, and had confided in Minji, spilling all her doubts and worries as her tears stained Minji’s sweatshirt. She still remembered that day vividly, how Minji had gently cradled her. hands running through her hair, as soft words of reassurance left her lips.

It was from that day onwards, that Siyeon noticed her symptoms. It started of as a simple cough, occasional coughs that simply left her throat a little dry and voice a little raspy. But from that point onwards, it simply got worse, to the point where she eventually began hacking up bloody petals, with its thorns still intact.

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At first, she was terrified, wondering why these symptoms started appearing out of no where. Sure, she was aware of the fact that her heart did indeed beat a little faster, and her face would flush a little in Minji’s presence, but it couldn’t have meant anything more, other than a silly little crush, right?

Well, if she could turn back time, her past self would have laughed at the pitiful sight of her now. The fact that she couldn’t muster up that courage to confess her simple ‘crush’ in order to save her own life, was a pitiful sight. Sure, there were the risks of rejection, but surely you wouldn’t know that for certain, if you didn’t try…

And so, as the days passed, Siyeon simply let her symptoms worsen, deeming it as a simple crush that’ll pass soon enough. Oh boy, were the next few months was pure torture. From watching Minji deliver fanservice, to something as simple as cuddling up with the younger members, all that only served to make her heart ache and her condition worsen. As a form of coping mechanism, she took to daily night walks, the cold fresh air on her skin allowed her a moments respite from the constant pain she went through due to the disease.

But on one night, the very night that changed the trajectory of how she coped with her condition, she saw a couple drug addicts, dealing out small packets of a white powder, possibly cocaine or methane, she had assumed. She eavesdropped on their conversation, a little intrigued, that is until, one of the dealers had spotted her. Surprisingly, instead of threatening her to not rat them out to the local police, they had actually given her an offer, a discount on one of their ‘products’.

She guessed it was probably due to her haggard appearance, and the deep eyebags she had, that had her looking like an addict in withdrawal… But nonetheless, she decided to accept, trying to reason with herself that it’d help numb the pain, and she was going to die soon anyways, right? Having some spare cash on her, she quickly paid the dealer, and grabbed the small packet containing something, she couldn’t be bothered to have asked what exactly she was going to be taking.

Finding a dark alley, Siyeon decided to dip her pinky into the packet, getting some of the powder on it. She was a little awkward with her attempts at inhaling it, unsure on how she was supposed to use it. Deciding to just inhale, she started sneezing a little, nose not used to something entering it so suddenly. After sputtering a little, she managed to inhale a little more. Soon enough, she felt its effects kick in, her vision getting a little blurry as it split images into two in front of her. Thankfully she hadn’t inhaled that much, allowing her to atleast stumble back to their dorms.

Being as quiet and discreet as possible, she slipped back into the dorms, quietly locking the door behind her and her padded softly back to her room. She quickly took off her coat, draping it haphazardly over her chair, before flopping back into bed. Her head was throbbing a little, and honestly, she was exhausted, especially from recent promotions, and her constant coughing at night. That night, the first in a few months, she finally had a decent enough rest.

When she awoke the next morning, her head throbbed like a light hangover, making her groan groggily at the sunlight creeping in from the small cracks of the curtains. Reaching at her bedside table carelessly, she searched for her phone. There was quite a few messages from their main groupchat, some members telling her that she had missed breakfast, and after multiple futile attempts at waking her up, they decided to let her sleep in, a well deserved rest after long weeks of promotion.

After laying in bed a moment longer, Siyeon decided to get up, grabbing a random shirt and pair of pants before heading towards the bathroom. When she saw herself in the mirror, she was startled, her eyes were a little bloodshot, and her hair was all tousled. Groaning, she washed her face, waking herself up a bit more. Just when she was about to step into the shower, another coughing fit took her by surprise, making her hunch over and cough violently. Fresh bloody petals and thorns littered the bathroom tiles, colouring them a darker, crimson red.

After her coughs subsided, Siyeon sat down on the cold bathroom floor, hugging her knees, uncaring about the fact that she was naked, with blood dripping a little from her mouth. She sobbed softly, feeling so frustrated with what she was experiencing. She wondered why life had to be so unfair. It wasn’t only about the fact that she was an idol, but because of how sweet and caring Minji was to everyone in general! She couldn’t figure out nor et a single clue if Minji had even a silver of interest in her.