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Jade was having trouble standing. He fumbled backwards and leaned against the bottle tree. His vision was blurry, but strangely enough, he didn’t feel lightheaded. He shifted his grip on the violin so that he could hold it and the bow in the same hand, freeing up his right hand to swipe at his suddenly wet cheek. He didn’t know why he was crying, or rather, he didn’t know specifically why he was crying. His brain was racing at a million miles a minute—and that was part of the problem.
For as long as they’d been stuck here, Jade had been hearing the word “anghkooey” over and over again, but only this time did he actually hear it. As fast as any other word in the English language, his understanding of the word came to him instinctually. And for once, he didn’t have to figure out how to articulate the mess of thoughts that got him to that conclusion–because he wasn’t the only one to figure it out.
For the second or third time, he replayed the scene in his head. The little girl who knelt before Tabitha spoke the word with such care and softness, but it opened a floodgate. Jade remembered inhaling, like he was taking a deep breath before he drowned, and as he did so he watched Tabitha do the exact same. For a moment, they were in perfect sync. The timing of their breaths, the slumping of their shoulders, the way they stumbled and faltered, it was unclear who was following who. As Tabitha got up and left, Jade couldn’t take his eyes off of her, but she never looked at him. She kept her eyes fixed on the ground, only acknowledging Jade with a brief steadying grasp at the crook of his arm.
He still felt it. Even now, with Tabitha and Jim at least a few minutes ahead of him.
The children, however, were still there. As Jade looked at each of their faces, the phantoms of names appeared in his mind. Something told him that he knew who these children were, but it wouldn’t tell him who was who, or which one was…
He sunk down to the ground, shoved the violin away from him, and let himself sob. This place had put him through so much already, made him hurt so many times, why didn’t this hurt? He figured that gaining a second, maybe centuries-old, mind would be painful, yet he felt perfectly fine. He still felt like himself, and that was the most agonizing part of all of this. He was once so convinced that this place wasn’t real, when all along, it was the most truthful part of his existence. He hadn’t changed, he’d just been living a lie. Playing a part. Living dormant. Asleep.
Through the gaps of his curled-up fortress, Jade spotted the little girl approaching him, but then she disappeared just out of his sight. He assumed she’d finally gone away, until he felt a nudge at his knee. He uncovered his face and looked up to see the girl standing over him, the violin in her hands. She offered it to Jade with a small smile, the same she gave Tabitha. With shaky hands he reached up and took the violin from her, and once it was no longer in her grip, she turned and walked away. The other children followed. Jade was now actually alone. With nothing else to focus on, he realized that the light was starting to change. It was time to head back.
***
Jade forcefully swung open the door to the bar, and a startled Tabitha swung on her barstool to face him. They locked eyes from across the room, neither speaking a word. Where were they even supposed to start? Jade broke the stare with rolled eyes. He closed the door and walked straight to the back room.
“You should get home, it’s getting dark.” He said over his shoulder.
“I wanted to talk about what just happened.” Tabitha got down off the stool and followed him. She hovered in the doorway of the makeshift bedroom, but he continued to get settled as if she weren’t there.
“We figured out the song, and now we know what anghkooey means. Progress.”
“What about—“
“Tabitha, it has been a very long day, and Teacup’s probably wondering where you are, so while there is light in the sky—“
“I’m not leaving. I’m staying here tonight.”
Jade, who was in the middle of taking off his coat, stopped. He glanced at his single, twin bed—the only bed in the building. He finished getting his coat off and hung it up on a lone nail in the adjacent wall, “I don’t remember inviting you to my sleepover.”
“I need to know if everything I remember is the same as you.”
“And it couldn’t wait until morning?”
“You don’t sleep!”
Jade met her at the doorway, “Well, I do now. Goodnight.” and slammed the bedroom door in her face. He stared at the back of the door with a feeling of regret that took mere seconds to sink in. He turned to lean against the door and buried his face in his hands.
Tabitha’s muffled voice vibrated through the wood of the door, “Jim knows I’m here.”
Jade looked up. It didn’t work. She didn’t leave. Thank god, she didn’t leave.
Tabitha continued, “I told him I needed some space, but that doesn’t mean I need to be alone. He’s just not the person I need to talk to right now…” she paused, “I’m just so tired of trying to explain what’s in my head, and I don’t think I have to describe to you what’s in there now.”
More and more, Jade found himself surprised with how much he and this woman were on the same page. Beyond what he now knew bound them together, Tabitha was someone who he had clicked with in a way that was unexpected, and though he’d already processed how bad he felt for ever dismissing her, here he was, doing it again.
He reopened the door and watched as her face lit up with relief, a very small, subtle smile appearing at her lips. He probably shouldn’t be noticing her lips. Or should he? Jesus.
“Fine.” Jade led her to the wooden table where they’d sat and paced around many times before. They each took a seat on either side. Neither of them said a word. Jade was trying to let Tabitha lead, since she was so insistent, but of course, now that she’d gotten her way, it seemed she didn’t know what to do with it.
“You wanna skip to the big one?” Jade asked.
Tabitha pursed her lips tightly, like she was physically restraining herself from saying what she wanted to say.
“We have to say it out loud eventually.” Jade prodded.
Tabitha nodded. She took her time through the sentence, “We had a daughter.”
“We had…a daughter.” Jade repeated back.
“So we were…at some point in time…what were we?”
“I don’t know either.”
They fell into silence again. It was Tabitha that pushed the conversation further this time, “But…that wasn’t really…us. As in, us , us. Right?”
“It sure as hell feels like it. I mean how else do you explain…” Jade cut himself off.
Tabitha leaned forward, “What? Explain what?”
“Nothing. Look, I really don’t think we should be doing this right now.” Jade’s chair made a rough scrape on the rotting floorboards as he pushed himself back and out of his seat.
Tabitha watched him with narrowed eyes. “You’re always running around trying to solve things and now you don’t want to talk?”
“Because this isn’t an easy conversation!” He yelled.
“Do you think this is easy for me?”
“No! But…” Jade let out a frustrated growl, “I can’t.” Once again, he started walking back towards his room, but Tabitha shot up out of her chair and followed him. She reached out and grabbed his arm, tugging him back around to look at her. Though his back was still to her, Jade’s shoulder gave way, and he cocked his head to look at the woman still clinging to his bicep.
“What is wrong?” She stared at him intensely, waiting for his response. The glassiness of her eyes betrayed concern under the mask of frustration she was trying to hold up. It was clear now to Jade that she wasn’t going to stop fighting him.
“If I say what I want to say, I can’t take it back.” He sighed, “Because if I say it, it’s gonna add a whole ‘nother layer to all of this shit that we really, really don’t need.”
Tabitha’s face flickered. She let her hand slip off of Jade’s arm, freeing Jade to turn around fully to face her. Tabitha stopped looking at him, instead opting to look at her hands as she wrung each finger. Eventually, she took a breath and shifted her eyes back up to Jade.
“I want you to say it,” she said. “If we’re going to move forward, we need to have all cards on the table.”
She already knew what he was going to say. Jade figured that he clued her in enough, but the truth is, she may have actually been two steps ahead of him this whole time.
She was still the only person in this entire place who actually got him.
Jade paced in a circle for a minute, psyching himself up, before whipping back around, “I don’t know if the way I feel about you is because I’m supposed to or because I just care about you a lot. Maybe they’re not mutually exclusive. Maybe they are, I don’t know, but the point is: over the past…however-the-hell long it’s been, I keep noticing how much I…it’s like I’m drawn to you. When you’re not with me, you’re the first place my mind goes to and it just stays there . It’s infuriating! It’s why I moved out of that fucking house, because your hothead of a husband is just psycho enough he could probably read my thoughts and might’ve beat the shit out of me before I ever made a move, so…yeah. There it is.”
Tabitha smiled and exhaled a puff of air from her nose, which grew into a giggle, which grew into a full blown laugh.
Jade threw his hands up, “Okay, what?”
“I’m sorry, that was just really bad.” She said, while continuing to laugh, “it’s just…mine wasn’t going to be much better, so I’m glad you went first.”
Jade blinked at her in surprise.
“Jade, I’ve been spending more time with you than my actual husband, did you not think we were on the same page?”
“Look, I’m not a homewrecker, alright? Whatever’s going on with you and Jim is your business. And your kids…they’ve already lost everything, I didn’t want to screw with their home lives too.”
Tabitha reached for Jade’s hands. She brought them to the space between them both and just held them there. They both looked down at their interlocked palms, a wave of comfort overcoming them both. Their hands fit into each others’ so perfectly, it was as if they were meant to stay like that forever, as if they’d never grow tired or sore. Jade swiped his thumbs over Tabitha’s knuckles.
“You’re the only thing in this place that makes any sense.” He said, nearly under his breath. They both lolled forward until their foreheads touched, and that’s where they came to rest, with their connected hands ever-so-slightly swaying beneath them. Jade shut his eyes and again found himself breathing in time with Tabitha.
He kept his voice low, aware of how close their faces were now, “So, the cards are on the table. What now?”
Tabitha broke their stance to lift her head back up. “Why don’t you move back into the house?”
“What?”
“You’re all alone out here, at least we’d be around each other more–”
Jade let go of Tabitha’s hands, “And continue with whatever the hell this is right in front of Jim’s salad? Fuck no!”
“You said you can’t focus if you’re not near me, right? So be near me. It’s either that or I move into the bar.”
“See, this is why I didn’t want to get into all this, it just makes everything too complicated.”
“What is complicated about it? You’ve lived at the house before.”
“But that was before this! Before I made you emotionally cheat on your husband!”
“We’re getting a divorce!”
“Last time I checked, I haven’t seen any divorce lawyers out here, have you? You both still sleep in the same bed, I mean, come on.”
Tabitha shook her head, “Jade, you’re not being fair.”
“I’m not being fair? I told you what was going to happen once we had this conversation, and you made me have it anyway. I was trying to do the right thing.”
“Well, I’m sorry being honest is so unbearable to you. I’ll think about that next time I’m looking for someone I can trust.”
Jade stormed off back into his room and emerged with the pillow and blanket from his bed. He shoved the balled up, scratchy blanket at Tabitha, but kept the pillow. “Take the bed, I’m sleeping out here.” Jade tossed the pillow onto the edge of a booth bench and walked around to the other side so he could crawl in. Tabitha hadn’t moved. “Can you please just go?” He shouted. Tabitha huffed and walked into the back room, slamming the door behind her. Jade plopped himself down onto the bench, curling his body into a fetal position in order to fit onto it. He shut his eyes tight, praying that in the morning they could both forget this ever happened.
***
Jade’s eyes flew open and he shot up from his laid down position. Forgetting he was in the booth and not his bed, he scrambled to grab hold of something to stabilize himself, and ultimately tumbled onto the floor. He cursed and groaned as the impact of hitting the table on the way down reverberated in his bones.
“Jade?” The muffled voice of Tabitha called.
“I’m fine…” he yelled back, his voice still hoarse from being asleep just moments before. He started to crawl out from under the table, “Sorry I woke you.” He pulled himself to his feet, grabbing his fallen pillow on the way up.
Tabitha called again, “Did you have a dream about it too?”
Jade looked in the direction of the back room in disbelief. He started walking towards it, “Yeah…yeah I did.”
“Was it…all the same memories or…something new?”
Jade searched his mind, “Both.”
“Me too.” Even standing just outside the door, Jade could tell her voice was shaky.
He looked down at the door handle, “Uh…can I–”
“You can come in.”
Jade twisted the handle with his free hand and pushed the door open slowly. Tabitha was sat up against the headboard, her knees pulled up to her chest. She’d turned on the lamp on the bedside table, casting a dim, warm glow that didn’t reach further than the length of the bed. Jade walked towards the light.
He put the pillow down at the end of the bed and came to sit on the edge near Tabitha. “You okay?” He asked.
Tabitha shook her head, “We’re never going to get a break, are we?”
Jade huffed a laugh, “Doesn’t seem so.”
“I thought I was going crazy before…nothing compares to this. All I want is to feel like myself again, but I’m starting to realize that maybe this is who I’ve been all along…and it’s freaking me out. I don’t know what to do.” Tabitha descended into sobs. Jade, similarly with tears pooling at the edge of his eyes, reached out and put a comforting hand on Tabitha’s knee. He felt Tabitha’s leg shift, and he took that as his cue to remove his hand, assuming the contact was unwanted. But instead, Tabitha scooted down to sit next to him on the edge of the bed. She rested her head on Jade’s shoulder, and Jade slowly tilted his head to lean against hers. He let out a small sniffle, and in response, Tabitha found Jade’s hand and interlocked her fingers into his.
After many moments of comfortable silence, of nothing but sniffles and hushed whimpers, Tabitha whispered to Jade, “Could you stay?”
Jade squeezed Tabitha’s hand, trying to find a way to express his discomfort that wasn’t directed at her. Because of course he’d stay with her. He would never leave her like this. But he already dreaded what was to come when people found out Tabitha spent the night at his place, far less if they were to share the same bed.
“Please,” she squeaked, “I just don’t want to be alone. I can’t.”
Oh, to hell with it.
“Okay.” He nodded. Jade grabbed the pillow and brought it over to the top of the bed. He backed up until he was at the top corner of the bed, leaning against the headboard and the neighbouring wall. He pulled the edge of the pillow up onto his hip and motioned for Tabitha to come lie down. Though he opted not to get in the bed, he decided he could justify letting her sleep in his lap. As Tabitha curled up next to him, he pulled the blanket over her shoulder. He left his hand there as a way of gently holding her in place, a promise that he would keep her near to him.
After a while, Tabitha dropped off. It panged at Jade’s heart how relaxed she looked, even when all he offered was to be a human pillow. It was torturous to know that he’d probably never be able to slip down further and lie down with her, to hold her tightly to his chest, or run his fingers through her hair, but he could put his own feelings aside if it meant continuing to be there for her. She needed him, now more than ever. And they needed to take care of each other. It would take some adjusting and careful navigation, but Jade was starting to think that maybe there was a way to do this with the least impact to Tabitha’s family.
He’d make it work.