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The clang of the cell door echoed in Erik's ears, the sound of a death knell.
He watched, numbly, as two guards ushered Andy away, the rhythmic click of his worn boots fading into the thick, oppressive silence of the corridor.
Andy. His friend, his confidant, his lifeline in this desolate place. They had shared stories and laughter, stolen moments of normality in the sterile, gray world of the prison.
Andy, who had been the anchor that kept Erik afloat in a churning maelstrom of despair. Now, that anchor was gone.
A coldness seeped into Erik's bones, a chilling void replacing the warmth that Andy's presence had brought.
The world around him blurred, the lights flickering, the sounds of other prisoners muffled and distant.
Erik felt a growing pressure in his skull, a throbbing pain that pulsed in time with the frantic thumping of his heart.
"Andy," he whispered, his voice hoarse, a desperate plea lost in the echoing emptiness of the cell. "Andy, please don't leave me!"
The pressure intensified, a white-hot inferno in his mind. He stumbled back against the wall, his vision swimming. The world fractured, splintered into jagged shards of light and shadow.
Then, there was only darkness.
Erik woke to a cacophony of shouts and the jarring scrape of metal against metal. Dazed and confused, he tried to sit up, but a blinding wave of nausea washed over him.
He was strapped to a gurney, his limbs restrained, a cold, sterile smell assaulting his nostrils.
"Mr. Menendez? Mr. Menendez, can you hear me?" a voice called, distant and muffled. It was the new nurse, one whose name he hadn't learned yet.
He tried to answer her, but his throat was dry, his tongue thick and unresponsive. Erik struggled against the restraints, his muscles spasming in a desperate attempt to break free.
"He's thrashing! I need .5 more cc's of alprazolam.”
The nurse's voice was followed by a sharp, stinging sensation in his arm. Erik felt a wave of dizziness wash over him. His thoughts became fragmented, and his vision swam.
The world was a chaotic mix of pain and confusion. Erik screamed and lashed out, fueled by burning rage.
Andy was gone, his absence a gaping wound in Erik's soul, and the world had once again become a monstrous, uncaring place that had taken everything away from him.
After losing Lyle, Erik wasn't sure that he could survive another separation -- or if he even wanted to.
Erik was a broken man, a shattered vessel, his mind a ravaged landscape of fear and despair. Losing had broken him, whatever was left of him. The fragile sanity he had clung to was now shattered.
When unconsciousness came, Erik welcomed it. His eyes closed, and he slumped heavily against the gurney, as if someone had dropped his whole body from the second floor of the prison.
When he woke up, Erik found himself in the infirmary, strapped down to a cot. The back of his throat felt dry and tight, and hurt when he swallowed.
He heard a sharp intake of breath and turned to see Dr. Connors, sitting in a chair, holding a paperback novel that fell to the floor with a soft thump.
She smiled at him sadly, the corners of her lips twitching. “Erik. Oh my god, I've been so worried about you.” She took another deep breath, and leaned in to him until her lips brushed his cheek.
“They said you just completely freaked out. You started screaming and sobbing, and then you started bashing your head against the bars of your cell.”
Erik moaned and closed his eyes. His head hurt so bad he couldn't see straight. A sheen of sweat covered his face and plastered his hair to his skull. His blood was pounding in his head.
Dr. Connors wiped Erik's face with a kleenex. Erik opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, numb and empty.
From the radio on the desk at the far corner of the infirmary, the Gin Blossoms sang, “Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down/Any place but those I know by heart…”
Erik's skin was sickly pale, the shadows under his eyes so dark they looked like someone had punched him. “You know, he has the same name as my favorite cousin. Andy, I mean.” His lips trembled as he spoke.
Dr. Connors touched Erik's shoulder, her fingers shaking. “Is that right? Tell me more about your cousin, honey.” Erik could hear the waver in her voice that told him she was trying not to cry.
Erik hesitated. “Well, he's my Aunt Marta's son. His real name is Andres. He's about three years younger than me. We basically grew up together, in New Jersey. We played tag and tennis. I missed him when we came to California.”
Erik snorted and tensed his muscles, clenching his jaw shut. “Oh, Erik…” Dr. Connors sighed. She leaned down so that his head was pressed against her shoulder.
Erik started to tremble, his body wracked by rough, dry, savage sobs. Dr. Connors’ hand stroked Erik's face, as if he were a wounded animal. Erik flinched and tried to jerk away from her, shaking under her palm.
“Erik, don't do this,” Dr. Connors chided, her voice angry and hoarse. Erik bared his teeth and growled at her, his head pounding with heat. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Tears ran down his cheeks. He closed his eyes and bit his lips.
"Erik." Dr. Connors' voice was a strained whisper. Erik didn't move or speak. She touched his shoulder. "Erik!" He couldn't pull away, but Erik still didn't speak. He looked at Dr. Connors, and wondered if she could see her reflection in his ice-blue eyes.
Dr. Connors wrapped an arm around Erik's neck and hugged him, shivering as if she was cold. "I know you must feel all alone, and that no one cares, but Erik, I do. I never want to see you hurt. I want you to be safe."
She closed her eyes and backed away from Erik. She opened and closed her mouth, tears in the corners of her eyes. She took a deep breath and looked at Erik.
He looked back at her, and saw her pale, pinched face, her quivering lips. He wanted to lie to her, to tell her that he would be alright, and that she had nothing to worry about, but he was really tired.
Erik shut his eyes and tried not to pray for death. It would destroy her, and it wasn't Dr. Connors' fault. All she had ever done was try to help him.
Dr Connors' hands stroked Erik's hair back off his face and cupped his cheeks. She leaned forward and kissed his forehead. "Go to sleep, Erik. I'll be here when you wake up."
Erik wrapped his fingers around hers and fell into a deep sleep.