Chapter Text
What was it about the holiday season that turned usually quite sensible people into fully fledged lunatics? Wasn’t this supposed to be the season of joy and good will to all? The time to embrace love, and kindness, and generosity?
Not in the city of Los Angeles apparently.
Seven arrests in one morning, all in one way or another, Christmas themed, and Athena was now chained to her desk completing reports as a result. How on earth was she supposed to professionally compose a report in which an elf had wiped out a snowman with a giant candy cane?
Usually she would find this sort of thing amusing but not today, today it was just tedious. Truth be told, Christmas spirit seemed to have completely passed her by this year. She knew why, of course she did, it didn’t take a genius to figure it out.
This was the first Christmas since the divorce. The first Christmas in which her babies would be splitting the holidays between their parents. Christmas Eve with Michael, and Christmas Day with her. They had considered spending the holidays together, for the kids. But with Glenn joining Michael for Christmas Day they had agreed to the split arrangement. Despite everything, Athena knew she was certainly not ready to have Glenn sit at her table.
Athena knew, deep down that this was for the best, a clean break. She was grateful that her bond with Michael meant that they could be civil, work through the divorce amicably. There was no venom, no resentment and no hate. Not now. At first maybe, when the betrayal still stung like a poisoned dart to the chest.
It wasn’t necessarily his being gay that was the issue. It was true that she had always known, on some level, whether she admitted it or not. Maybe he’d been right when he’d thrown the words out there in the heat of the argument, she’d used him too, for the family she craved, for the kids she so desperately wanted.
No, it was his deception that had hurt her. The lies, the cheating. Hadn’t they grown to love each other over the years, cultivated a friendship where love should have been? And yet, he had chosen to deceive her for fifteen years.
That still stung. No matter how much the logical side of her brain knew that this was for the best, that they both deserved to be free to find real, true, love. By the sounds of it, Michael had already done that, and yet here she was, devoid of holiday spirit, devoid of joy and cheer.
The Grinch, Harry had called her just this morning when she had refused to let him throw an extra heap of chocolate chips on his pancakes for breakfast.
The boy had been joking of course but it had stuck with her since. This wasn’t like her, she loved Christmas, she loved the excitement and the anticipation, the holiday shopping and the gifts, the festive treats and opportunity to spend time with all those she loved.
Yet now, all she wanted to do was hide until it was over. Hibernate until January.
She couldn’t though, she knew that much. She needed to get it together for the kids, they deserved all the magic of Christmas whilst they were still young enough to soak it all in. If she had to put in an Oscar winning performance to make it happen then so be it.
As she tossed the last of her morning reports onto the pile to be filed away, Athena chanced a glance to the clock on the edge of the desk. Almost 13.30, certainly an acceptable time to take a lunch break.
Not for the first time her mind had gone straight to one place when the thought of lunch occurred. It wasn’t a restaurant or a cafe or food outlet of any sort.
Instead, it was a firehouse.
Over the past few months since the separation and subsequent divorce she had spent more and more time with the 118. Of course that was largely down to her best friend, Hen had extended many an invitation for her to join them, whether that be for meals at the firehouse, drinks at the bar or just to hang out. With each accepted olive branch she had found herself feeling more and more at home at the firehouse, or anywhere with them really. Like her own safe haven, a sanctuary where she didn’t have to be Sergeant Grant, or Mom, or the ex-wife.
A quick text sent to Hen and Athena found herself waiting with baited breath for the reply. She could really use an escape right now, even for just a little while.
‘Just back from a call, Cap’s making pasta, open invitation still stands, girl!’
Athena wasn’t sure what part of the reply made her stomach do that little flip but she knew who had caused it.
That too, was new. What it meant, she still had no idea, but she had stopped pretending that it wasn’t Captain Nash that made her stomach flip deliciously whenever she thought of him. She’d considered avoiding him, especially when it had first happened, months ago, the first little flutter in her chest when he looked at her. But to be honest, she didn’t want to avoid him, instead she found she was looking for more reasons to see him at every opportunity available.
Again, what that meant she didn’t know, and right now she didn’t have the emotional strength to figure it out.
Making the short drive across town to the firehouse, she could feel the iciness in her chest as Christmas cheer hit her from every angle. Lights were draped through the streets, brightly decorated trees on almost every corner. Even the car radio proved no escape, each station seemed to be possessed by Christmas songs.
She couldn’t bear it, it was too much, and not for the first time she cursed herself for feeling like this. She didn’t want to be the resident Scrooge, but she just couldn’t help it. Besides her kids, there was little joy to be found in her life right now and forcing festive cheer certainly wasn’t going to help.
The firehouse was quiet when she walked in a short time later. Athena could barely suppress the sigh when her eyes fell upon Buck, half way up a ladder, hanging the crisp green garland across the underside of the balcony to the loft.
Great. Just great. They were at it too.
Her pace slowed as she reached the bottom of the stairs, she needed to shake this misery before she saw them, saw him. It wasn’t their fault she was feeling like this and they deserved to decorate their house in whatever way they chose.
If she noticed the iciness in her chest thawing when her eyes fell upon him she didn’t admit it. When she reached the top of the stairs her gaze found him immediately, moving around the kitchen with a practised ease, his brow furrowed slightly in the way it did when he was concentrating.
“Hey girl!”
Hen’s voice drew her attention from the man across the loft and Athena’s steps changed course to join her best friend on the couch.
“Hey. Thanks for letting me crash lunch again.” The sigh was automatic and Athena watched as Hen’s eyes narrowed in response.
“You know you never have to ask, what’s going on, you ok?”
“I just needed a break, it’s a long story. Drinks soon?”
“Absolutely! Actually, if I throw in dinner will you please, please come shopping with me this weekend? I have no idea what to get Karen for Christmas and the damn woman won’t even give me a hint!”
She couldn’t stop it, the groan was out before her brain could even assemble the signal to stop it from happening. The Christmas Elves really did have it in for her right now! Athena’s head fell back against the couch and her eyes fell shut for a moment. “Fine! But you’re driving and I’m ordering the good wine!”
No matter her current state of mind Athena was never going to let her best friend down, not after Hen had been there for her through this whole mess that her life had become lately.
“Lunch is ready!”
There it was again, the little flip in her stomach was back at the sound of his voice, filtering across the open space.
Crew members flooded the loft as they headed to the table and for a second she was swept up along with them, nevertheless her feet carried her towards him, the side hug he offered as had become their customary greeting, accepted and returned before she took the seat beside him.
As they ate, small talk was exchanged around the table. Stories of this mornings calls relayed and Athena recounted some of her mornings arrests in return. All the while she could feel him beside her, feel the weight of his gaze on her as the team around them chatted happily.
It was moments like this that she allowed herself to believe that her feelings for him might just be reciprocated. Just because she hadn’t yet allowed herself the time to really analyse her feelings, and what they meant, didn’t mean she hadn’t acknowledged them.
She had feelings for Bobby. Plain and simple. What they were, exactly, was still uncertain but they were there, real, tangible, and in moments like this, all consuming.
The iciness in her chest had slowly been replaced with the tightness, the heaviness of him. It wasn’t altogether unpleasant, if she was honest. In fact she craved it. It made her feel alive, pulled her to him, like gravity, which is how she came to be standing with him in the kitchen a short time later under the pretence of assisting with the clean up.
“You ok?”
Athena faltered a moment as his quiet question registered in her mind. “I’m fine, why d’you ask?”
When she looked up it was to see his shoulders shrug in reply as he bent down to return some pots to their home in the cupboard. “No reason, you just seem a little quiet today.”
Of course he noticed, and of course she wasn’t surprised although admittedly she was somewhat touched by the concerned look in his eyes when he returned to stand in front of her.
“It’s nothing, Bobby, really. Just feeling sorry for myself is all.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
Yes.
“Not really, I’ll be fine. Truly. It’s just the holidays, the kids, the divorce. Everything and nothing being how it should be.”
Athena herself shrugged now as she leant back against the island, arms folded across her chest, very much aware of him as he stood beside her, the intensity of his gaze moving right through her. Truthfully, she wanted nothing more than to pour it all out to him, he had this way about him that made her feel so safe and secure, like she could tell him her deepest darkest secrets.
When he sighed in reply she found she couldn’t look at him, or maybe that was down to the way his hand had moved to rest on the counter behind her, his thumb had brushed the small of her back ever so briefly as he stood so close to her now.
“Our reasons may be very different, but I can understand why finding the festive spirit is hard Athena. It’s ok, you know, to feel that way.”
She nodded slowly as his words sunk in, of course he would know how she felt, for a moment a pang of guilt moved through her. What he’d lost was far worse than her failed marriage and split custody arrangement, he’d lost everything and yet here he was, gently making sure that she was okay.
There it was again, the little flip in her stomach.
The air between them suddenly felt so very heavy, as though they both had much more that they wanted to say. Athena swallowed thickly, her gaze finally meeting his, his brown eyes darkening momentarily as he looked back at her.
“Bobby, I…”
What she was going to say, she couldn’t be sure. It didn’t matter, as it was prone to do, it was at that very moment that the damn bell went off.
“Athena…”
“Go.” She smiled, straightening where she stood as her eyes briefly moved to watch the rest of the crew leaving the loft. “Thanks for lunch, Captain.”
When he smiled back she could swear it stole her breath for a second, the feel of his hand on her arm as he squeezed it gently before rushing away was like a wonderful heat that warmed her entire body.
For a long moment she simply stood there, the familiar honks and horns so loud at first became quieter as the trucks peeled out and down the street. Releasing a long breath, Athena leant forward against the counter top for a second, her hands running over her face in an attempt to pull herself back together.
When she straightened again she paused as something caught her eye. A flash of green and red above her. When her eyes lifted and her mind took in the sight her quiet gasp seemed to echo around the empty loft.
Typical, that was just her damn luck right now. An opportunity presented and yet completely missed.
A single sprig of mistletoe.