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Darkness surrounded me for a long time.
For most of my life, I hadn’t even noticed it was darkness. The darkness was all I really understood, and I was okay with it being there forever. It was comforting. I didn’t need to look for light.
The first time I saw a lantern, it was… strange, to say the least. I didn’t really understand what I was looking at. The lantern itself was small, with a red casing that held a base for a small candle. It looked shiny, new, as though someone maintained it regularly. It was warm, and inviting. I had never felt anything like that warmth before. The darkness provided me with a chill. I had never seen anything like it before. The light showed me what was close to it, letting me see into what the darkness had concealed.
I was curious. I stood up, and walked toward it. I reached for it, wondering if I could hold the lantern myself.
The lantern snuffed out before I could touch it. The warmth was gone, and chilly darkness was all that remained.
I honestly didn’t know what to make of it. It was nice, I supposed. But it was gone now, and that was that. No words needed to be spoken. There was nothing to say, after all. It was there, and then it wasn’t. I went on as I had before.
That lantern lingered in my mind.
What was it? What did it show me? Were there more? What if I wanted to see more? What if I could have a light of my own?
But I didn’t need one, did I? No, I could manage without it. I don’t need a lantern to stay alive, or I would surely have died long ago.
Where did it come from?
Eventually, I stopped thinking about it. The darkness became comforting, but after that moment there was always an emptiness in my breast. For I knew there was something beyond darkness.
The second lantern came just as unexpectedly.
This one was a bit different. It was shaped like a small, wiry bowl with a black lid. A handle laid across the lid, enticing me to take hold of it. A fire burned inside, though the source of it could not be made clear to me.
I knew this wouldn’t last. The last one disappeared so quickly, after all. Curiosity and apprehension in my heart, I approached the lantern. I gripped the handle, and lifted it. I could see what I was standing on for the first time. It was… brown. The ground was a dark brown, and it crumbled in places. I smiled. I could see .
The sheer awe that the light brought didn’t last.
A harsh wind blew, and the flame followed. It carried out of the lantern and engulfed my wrist. I yelped, and dropped the lantern. I saw it crumble on the ground, and the flame vanished in the next instant.
I cradled my arm, having never felt a burn like this before. The light was gone, and darkness returned once more. I felt such disappointment… or perhaps embarrassment? Maybe it was betrayal. I trusted the light to open my eyes, and it did nothing but hurt me.
I returned to my life. The desire for warmth truly began to build within me. I wanted a light. I wanted to see. I wanted to be warm, please just let me be warm.
The third lantern came much sooner than the second. It was taller than the first two. It was bright blue, a metallic look to it. A small, textured handle laid atop the roof of it, and the bright white light laid atop a thick base.
I had not a moment to lose. I rushed forward, wishing to take a hold of it. “Please,” I whispered. “Please, let me have this.” I gripped the handle, holding it gently. Loosely, as though a tight grip would scare it off. I held the bottom, and heat coursed through me.
Once again, I could see the world. It was incredible. I could see the grassy plain I was standing in, even if the illumination didn’t extend too far. I looked around, joy in my heart as I took it in. A tree, a patch of grass, the hill next to me, the river at the bottom of it, even the stars had decided to show themselves.
I didn’t look in time to see the tree root sticking out of the ground. My foot caught on it, and I dropped the lantern. It didn’t break, but it began rolling down the hill toward the river.
“No no, please no!” I cried out. I scrambled to my feet and began to chase after it, but the lantern was rolling faster than I could move. There was nothing I could do as the water took the lantern into its depths, and the light fizzed out a moment later.
I sank to my knees and began to cry. There was not rhyme or reason to my voice. It surely wasn’t pleasant to listen to. I needed to make some kind of noise, make my anguish knows to the empty world around me. What kind of cruelty was this? I felt I would never be warm, never be able to see. My life would be forever cold, forever blind. I mourned it.
Why would I mourn it?
“You were fine with this before, were you not?” My inner voice asked. “You embraced the chill, embraced the darkness. You were happy like this.”
Not anymore, I thought to myself. I want to be warm. I want to have light.
There was not another lantern. Many days were filled with darkness and blindness, until this one night. I laid on the ground, crying invisible tears that I couldn’t even feel. My hand brushed against something smooth, and I sat up. Curiosity took control once more, and I dug it out of the ground.
It was… odd. Yet holding it felt soothing. I brushed my thumb back and forth on it, occupying myself with the feeling of it.
Was this a rock? A piece of something else? I had no idea. But I liked it. It was nice. Finally, I had something to keep me company in this endless, dark abyss. I called it Stone, since I had no other indication of what it was.
I held that Stone for years. I loved it. It felt like the only thing bringing stability to my cold and dark life.
One day I was playing with it, and I felt something on it that wasn’t there before. A little protrusion, and a little gap beneath it. I messed around with it, and eventually I pushed the bump into that ridge.
The Stone began to shake, and heat up. I dropped it, and I heard it hit the soft ground. I could see it, a bright crack spreading across the object until it broke into pieces.
And suddenly, there was light. More light than I had ever seen.
I backed away quickly. I wanted to hold it. I wanted to touch it. I wanted to have it more than anything.
But I couldn’t. The lanterns left me when I tried to have them. I knew better.
I wasn’t warm enough. I needed to have more. I began to inch closer. I CAN’T LOSE THIS
I scurried away once more, keeping myself at a distance. The Stone was like a tiny sun, lighting up more than I had ever been able to see. I could see again.
And yet I was so utterly heartbroken. For I could never have it. I would spend my eternity never quite being warm enough, yearning for something I could not have.
What a funny life to live.