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Chapter Text

Sirius Black did not like Christmas. Sirius Black never planned on liking Christmas ー James Potter took this as a challenge. Sirius Black was also single ー Lily Evans took this as a challenge.

“Lily,” he sighed through the phone, “You know how I feel about Christmas, and I made a goal to have the first five chapters by the new year.”

Lily sighed right back at him, he could practically feel the harsh glare that her green eyes were sending through the phone. He wasn’t a Scrooge ─ he puts at least ten quid in the bucket when he sees Santa on the street corners ringing his bell. Sirius was cheery all year, one of the most cheerful people you would ever meet, and sometimes he would need a break ─ and that break just happened to sometimes come at the end of December,  around the twenty-fifth. It’s just the way it worked. It wasn’t like the Potters needed to celebrate Christmas anyway, Lily was Jewish – Harry would understand the lack of Christmas, he probably wouldn’t even notice.

“Harry has been talking about how excited he is to get a Christmas Tree with his Uncle Padfoot since September.” Sirius rolled his eyes and chuckled when he heard his godson in the background scream, “Christmas Tree,” and then a muffled Lily trying to negotiate with her son.

“I’m putting you on speaker,” she said.

“Hiya Padfoo!” Harry screamed into the phone so loud that Sirius had to pull the phone away from his ear.

“Hey, Haz,” Sirius was terrified of Harry - of all kids, not just Harry.  He loved Harry just the same but had no idea how to act around him.

“Padfoot, why does my wife have a crease in her brow right now?” James chimed in, yelling from presumably across the room.

“Probably because of something that you did.” he quipped.

“Padfoo when we get the Christmas Tree, can my friend ‘Eddy go?”

“Eddy?” Sirius asked, half confused and half guilty for not being around enough to know who this was. 

Lily chuckled, “Teddy,” she said, this made Sirius feel slightly better because Teddy did sound vaguely familiar, “He picks and chooses what T’s he’s willing to pronounce like he just said Christmas Tree, and sometimes he’ll say Teddy but I think ‘Padfoo’ is a hill he is willing to die on.”

Sirius laughed, he loved his godson. God, Harry was probably one of the things that mattered most. He was one of the pros of going up the country for Christmas, he was one of the pros of moving up the country permanently ─ that’s what James and Lily were trying to do, he saw right through their plan. They wanted him to be close to help with Harry and be somewhere they could watch him. They wanted him close so they didn’t have to worry about him anymore. They always worried. But the thing was, Sirius liked London ─ he liked the city, the commotion, and he was quite fond of being within walking distance of his favourite ramen restaurant. He didn’t like the overwhelming fear of running into them , but he liked London and wouldn’t let that ruin it. Sure, it would be nice to be close to his family, especially Harry, but he saw them every few months and called every other day. Harry practically worshipped the ground that he walked on, and Sirius repaid the favour.

“Maybe, but Haz here’s the thing, I’m not sure I-”  

“Oi Sirius, fancy coming tomorrow instead?” James cut him off, prick, “Since Mum and Dad left for India today, Prongslet here needs a babysitter. I still have work for a week so we’re kind of in a bind here.”

Sirius groaned, his chances of getting out of this were looking grim, “Have Marlene come up. She only lives fifteen minutes away.”

“Auntie Marley is already here right now!” Harry chimed in. 

Sirius chuckled, “Of course she is, have her watch him.”

"I have a life you know, Black!" Marlene chimed in. Sirius rolled his eyes, he also had a life but no one seemed to accept that.

There was some muffled noise; it sounded like Lily took her phone off speaker and set it down, when it was picked back up and the speaker was turned back on, a small, innocent voice spoke, “You don’t want to watch me, Padfoo?”

Sirius sighed defeated, of course, he had to go now, and a week earlier than anticipated apparently, “No, I do Harry, don’t worry, I’ll ー I will be up tomorrow.”

There was a squeal, Sirius didn’t know if it was Harry, Lily, or James, he assumed it was James. “This will be good, I promise,” Lily said in her reassuring mum tone, “And, you said you’ve been running out of inspiration in the city, here you’ll have a fresh perspective.”

“Ah yes, Hogsmead, so inspiring,” he said dryly. 

…

Sirius packed and left early the next morning, to say the least, he was not looking forward to his eight-hour drive up to Hogsmead. He had to drive instead of fly due to the size and number of all the presents he had gotten Harry. Sirius was running on a mixture of coffee, Red Bull, leftover Chinese take-out, and Adderall ─ so at least he would be awake for the foreseeable future.  

The first four hours flew by, and he thought of various excuses for when the Potters would inevitably ask him to stay but none of them were concrete enough – he would think of one though, he always thinks of one  ─ excuses are one of the things that Sirius does best. The second four were much slower. As he started to get into the highlands, it started to snow, which was just his luck. If you ask Sirius, he was an amazing driver , if ask anyone else, Sirius was a terrible driver. The snow was not his friend, especially on these farm roads that his phone was taking him through. 

Eventually, late in the evening, he arrived in the small town. It looked like one of the vintage postcards that Lily collects, with the snow falling and the town decorated with Christmas lights. It was beautiful, not even Sirius “Grinch” Black could deny it. He stopped inside “The Wolf’s Grocer”, the market in the middle of town to buy a bottle of wine.  

The door jingled as he entered, he shook his head like a dog to get off the snow that had fallen on him from the walk from the car into the store. He looked around, he’d been in the store before, it used to be called “Hogsmeade Market”, and that seemed to be the only thing that had changed. The interior was the same, it was charming – that’s not saying much seeing that he was used to shopping at the Tesco a block down from his flat, the bar was low, but it was charming nonetheless, even decorated head to toe with Christmas decorations. 

He walked to the back picked out two bottles of Malbec (Lily’s favourite), and headed towards the front where the cashier who couldn’t have been more than sixteen was talking to a man around Sirius’ age who was wearing a large, dark green, scratchy looking, Christmas jumper with a rabbit wearing a Santa hat. The man smiled a crooked smile at him (it looked as if he was biting the inside of one of his cheeks) and stepped aside to let Sirius go up to the till. Sirius felt himself get hot in the face when he and the man made eye contact and hoped to god he didn’t notice. 

Sirius cursed himself for blushing at a handsome man in a Christmas jumper, he tried to shake it off and handed the wine to the kid. The silence between the three was uncomfortable and Sirius had wanted more than anything than to get out of there and get to the Potters. At least no one was trying to make small talk, Sirius hated small talk.

“So,” the man spoke, of course he did. His voice was deep and smooth, making his Scottish accent a little easier to understand, “Where are you coming in from?” 

“London,” Sirius said, not looking up as he fished for his card out of his wallet. 

“Do ye’ have family up here, or just fancy a small town for holiday?” The man bounced up and down on the balls of his feet.

“Family,” Sirius put his card into the machine and waited for the kid to hand him the receipt, but the machine got clogged and the receipts arrival was halted. 

“Let me fix it,” the tall man stepped forward to help, “It’s temperamental.” 

After a few minutes of Sirius watching the man swear beautifully under his breath as his hands (which were wonderfully proportioned with long, slender fingers and just the right amount of veins, because there was such a thing as too many veins) work to fix the machine, Sirius finally was able to leave. 

“I should get going, Percy, I have that dinner party that I was coaxed into. Are you good to close up?” Sirius heard the man say as he was walking out the door.

…

The snow was coming down harder than it had been when he first pulled into the market, and apparently, Sirius was the only one who didn’t know how to drive in it. Several cars had passed him including a dark green pickup truck that politely honked before swerving in front of Sirius. Sirius politely honked back, and even more politely stuck his middle finger out the window. Sirius pulled into the Potters driveway and took in the “work of art” that James had put together in their front yard (the term “art” being used very loosely). James must have spent hours on it. It almost looked to be a map made of lights, or maybe a rugby game, or perhaps a herd of deer – James did love deer.  He would be devastated to know that Sirius could not tell what it was, it just looked like one big jungle of Christmas lights disposed across the front of their house. Sirius chuckled to himself, it was very James Potter. 

He got out of the car with the two bottles of wine he had purchased and headed towards the house, he would get his stuff out of the car later. Before he could even knock on the door, it burst open and a little boy was running at him like a lightning bolt.

He knelt to greet him, “There he is!” 

“Padfoo! Padfoo!” Harry yelled as he hugged Sirius and then let go to continue jumping up and down.

“Let go inside before we freeze to death.” Sirius stands back up and grabs Harry’s hand. 

“The prodigal son returns,” Lily says from the door, Sirius lets go of Harry and tries to give her a haste side hug but ends up being enveloped in a crushing hug. She smelled of red wine and the same floral perfume she had been wearing since their sixth forms – it was nice.

“Hey Lils,” he whispered.

“Welcome home, love.”

Sirius slowly pulls away and turns to James who is standing right next to Lily, smiling at the two of them like a dork. 

“Jamie,” Sirius offers and James pulls him a signature James Potter Hug, making Sirius’ ribs feel like they were cracking even more so than Lily’s hug. James Potter Hugs always last longer than hugs normally do, and this one was no exception. Sirius loved James Potter Hugs. When Sirius started to pull away, James held him at arm's reach and grinned at him. 

“It’s gonna be good Padfoot, it’s gonna be good.” 

“What’s gonna be good?” Sirius asked as James let go and started walking backwards out the door towards Sirius’ car presumably to get Sirius’ things.

James simply shrugged and turned around towards the car. Sirius, not thinking anything of it besides normal James Potter behaviour, turns around into the house.  The warmth was such a contrast to the cold outside air that it made his cheeks burn and flush a bright red. The smell of roast wafted through the air and Sirius could hear Marlene’s only slightly obnoxious laugh coming from the kitchen. 

“Padfoo, this is Teddy,” 

Sirius looked down to see a six or seven-year-old child, wearing a purple jumper with a llama holding a menorah on it, and a silver sequin skirt. He had a huge smile plastered across his face that was slightly crooked like he was biting the inside of his lip; it was similar to the man’s in the market – he was quite similar to the Market Man with the same romanesque nose (though Market Man’s was crooked; severely crooked) and the same dark brown eyes.

“I’m Teddy,” the boy stuck out a small hand for Sirius to shake, his fingernails had bright blue nail varnish that was chipped at the tips. 

A goofy smile spread across Sirius’ face as he shook Teddy’s hand, “Nice to meet you Teddy, I’m Sirius, and I like your skirt, very fashionable.”

Teddy’s face somehow lit up even more, “I picked it out myself, I love to pick out my clothes. When I grow up I wanna make my clothes.” 

Sirius smiled, “That is awesome buddy, a very noble profession indeed.” Teddy's smile grew even brighter, and that made Sirius’ smile grow as well. He loved this kid already. Sirius wished that he had the environment to be that confident and happy when he was that age, and he is very thankful to whomever Teddy's parents are for letting the child be that free at such a young age. 

“Sirius Black, is that you?” Dorcas came walking into the room from the kitchen and hugged him. 

“Marlene has got something planned,” they warned into his ear.

“Oh, I’m sure,” Sirius squeezed them back. He always had a soft spot for Dorcas. He knew them probably the least out of the whole group but he always felt so comfortable around them.

“How was the drive?” they asked as they pulled away.

Sirius looked at them and rolled his eyes, “Horrible, what did I do to deserve snow?”

“What, you don’t like the snow?” They joked. If you knew Sirius Black, you knew that he did not fancy the snow.

“Not a single cell in my body likes the snow Cas.”

“Not very Lorali Gilmore of you,” Sirius chuckled, one of the only things about him that isn’t very Lorali Gilmore. The two of them walked into the kitchen where Lily had gone back into and was opening up one of the bottles of wine Sirius had brought. Sirius could hear Marlene and Mary’s voices along with a mystery man's voice that sounded familiar to Sirius, but he just couldn’t pinpoint it. Before he could put any more brain power into the third voice a roll of bread was being thrown at his face. 

He caught it like it was nothing and glared over at Marlene. “McKinnon,” he groaned.

“Black,”

Marlene McKinnon was Sirius' best friend and also his worst enemy. Fighting was their love language. James, Sirius, and Marlene had been friends since they first started school together when they were eleven. They were roommates before Marlene transitioned in year ten when she moved to the girl's dormitory and met Lily and Mary. If James was Sirius' brother, then Marlene was his sister. That doesn't mean that they didn't make it each other's life mission to annoy the living hell out of the other one. 

“I heard you had something coming for me, I didn’t think it was a dinner roll.” Sirius threw it back.

Marlene shrugged, “Maybe that's not all,”

Sirius breathed through his nose and turned to Lily who was handing him a glass of wine. He had to remind himself that he loved everyone in that room, and Marlene was just Marlene and he was just grumpy because of the drive. He wanted to be there, he did, but he would never admit that to himself or anyone else in the room. For now, he would remain grumpy and keep up his walls and let Marlene get to him because it was Christmas, and Sirius Black was grumpy on Christmas.

“Didn’t think you would be here this early,” Mary said.

“Or be here at all,” Marlene added.

Sirius shrugged, “I’m full of surprises.”

Sirius leaned back against the counter and scanned the room. He realized that the mystery man was the tall man with the nice wrists that he had met earlier in the market. Sirius wondered how he had gotten to the house before Sirius had, probably one of the many reckless drivers that had passed him.  He was very tall, Sirius again noted. He was annoyingly tall. Up until now, Sirius had been the tallest one out of Lily and James’ friends, and now Mr Tall Market Man comes in and steals Sirius’ title. It irritated him, everything right now irritated Sirius, which was even more irritating. 

“I’m gonna head upstairs,” Sirius said, mostly to Lily, “Freshen up some.”

“Okay,” Lily smiles at him, “I'll come get you when it's time to eat.”

…

They had to smush a plastic folding table next to the actual dinner table to fit them all. Sirius was the last to come to sit down, so, of course, the man with the lovely wrists had taken his spot, and the only other spot to sit in was right next to the marketman. This was especially unlucky for the marketman because Sirius was annoyed, and Sirius was a bitch when he was annoyed.

“So Sirius,” the market man said once they were all settled, “What is it that you do?”

Sirius took a deep breath and a large sip of wine before he answered. He could do this, he told himself. 

“I'm a writer,” Sirius said.

“New York Times bestseller.” James corrected.

The grocery storeman shook his head, looking impressed, but didn't say anything. This caught Sirius off guard. Usually, this is when people ask what he's written, and either say they've read it, or say it's been on their list for ages. Sirius didn't care though, less talking for him was a win.

“How's the book coming, Sirius?” Dorcas asked as they stabbed a carrot.

Sirius sighed, “I fear I've hit a bit of a block.” Block meaning a half-baked idea and a blank document sitting on his computer.

“Maybe you just need to, you know, get-” Marlene said as she gestured her pointer finger going in and out of a hole she made with her fist in the other hand, as not to say “fucked” in front of the children.

Sirius glared as he felt his cheeks get hot, “Thanks Marls,”

“Just saying, you're a romance writer. How are you gonna turn the heat up in your books when I’m pretty sure you ejaculate dust at this point it's been so long?” Sirius would kill her someday, maybe tomorrow. Tonight he didn't have the energy.

The marketman next to him laughed. Sirius blushed even more. He looked over to Lily for help because she surely agreed that this was not a dinner table topic, but Lily only shrugged. 

“She's not wrong,” Lily said. 

“Can we please wait until I've had a full night's rest to analyze my sex life?” Sirius slid down in his chair, making himself smaller, red flush consuming his face.

“That's no fun, now is it babe?” Mary said.

“I am choosing to be single,” Sirius announced, “I need to focus on my book.”

“Maybe that's the problem,” the man next to him said, “You're focusing too much.”

Sirius hummed, he was right. The book was all he thought about. But Sirius did not need the stranger's input on the situation. Sirius wanted to remain blissfully in denial - if you could even call it blissful.

“Remus is right, Padfoot, you need to live a little,” James said.

His name is Remus, Sirius attempted to make a mental note of the man's name. Remus like wolf, maybe that's why it's called the Wolf's Grocer.

“Can we please not talk about this?” Sirius hated the attention he was getting. He just wanted to go to bed. “Let's talk about Mary's new boyfriend.”

“Please!” Mary said.

…

After dinner was done and everyone was cleaning up, Sirius snuck out for a much needed cigarette. He knew he needed to quit he also knew that he was going to rip Marlene's head off if he didn't have one right this second. He snuck out to the curb, behind a bush out of the view of any windows from the house. He promised James he quit. 

He sat there and stared at the green pickup truck in front of him. It looked like the one he flipped off in the middle of town-it probably was. Sirius laughed at his road rage, reminding himself that he needed to chill every once in a while. Nothing is that deep, he told himself, we just live on a literal rock floating through space.

Everyone at dinner was so concerned with him. Sirius barely understood why. They didn’t need to bring it up. So he was going through a dry spot, everyone goes through dry spots. And he was tired of going on meaningless dates that always ended in meaningless, mediocre sex. Sirius preferred his stories. Everything was meaningful and deliberate in those, just how Sirius had liked it.

Footsteps crunching in the snow pulled Sirius away from his thoughts. He quickly threw his cigarette down and stepped on it, attempting to hide it. Turns out, the footsteps only belonged to Remus, and not James, so he didn't have to throw out a perfectly good half cigarette.

“Alright Sirius?” the man asked.

“Alright,” Sirius said as he pulled another cigarette out, “Don't tell James,"

“Just grabbing something out of my truck,” Remus said as he opened the doors of the green pickup.

“You're a reckless driver,” Sirius pointed at him.

Remus turned around with a small pink children's backpack in his hands, “You're the granny who flipped me off then?”

Sirius gasped, “Not a granny! Just cautious.”

“Mhm,” Remus laughed and leaned against the truck, staring a Sirius. “Mind if I take a drag?”

Sirius handed the spiff over to the man. He watched as Remus brought his long fingers to his mouth, his cheeks sucking in. Sirius had to remind himself that he preferred to stay in his dry spell.

“Teddy is pretty cool,” Sirius remarked.

Remus smiled, “He's my pride and joy,”

“You and your wife are doing amazing, I wish I the opportunity to express myself like that at his age.” Sirius' mother tried to turn him and his brother into a perfect mould of proper nobility. She of course failed.

Remus laughed and looked down at the ground. He had a deep laugh that sounded like it came straight from his throat - contrary to Sirius’ laugh which came straight from his nose.

“No wife, not even close,” he said looking at the ground.

“Oh,” Sirius said, pretending to be unfazed by this information. “ You're doing amazing then,”

Remus gave him a tight smile, “We should head back in before James realizes what we're doing out here.”

Remus headed in, and Sirius followed suit.

Chapter Text

Sirius woke at around eight the next morning. He was in a much better mood than he was the previous night. He went down and started helping James with the morning tasks. Harry was silently watching Bluey on the couch, Sirius sat down next to him and started folding laundry that was sitting in a basket on the couch. He was never much of a fan of laundry, and was very grateful he had enough money to pay someone to do it for him-he would lose that luxury if he decided to move out of the city.

“Padfoo, I wish I had a sister like Bluey does,” Harry said. Sirius knew that Lily was firmly having no more children, but Harry could dream if he wanted to.

Sirius chuckles, “Oh do you?”

Harry shook his head up and down fast, “Orrrrr…Maybe a magic xylophone !”

Sirius chuckled, getting Harry a xylophone would make Lily and James go insane. Sirius didn't want to make them any more crazed than he already did (which was quite a bit). However, Sirius would not 100% throw away the idea of a xylophone, he still doesn't know what tricks Lily and James have up their sleeves for his 3-week visit. He might need it for revenge. For Christmas, Sirius had gotten Harry a small football goal that goes in the backyard, a new soccer ball, a blue remote control car (Sirius would come to regret this), and a toy leaf blower (Harry was obsessed whenever he saw a real one). He liked to go all out for Harry, especially because he was five this year, and would enjoy it more than his others.

“You know,” James came into the living room, handing them each a plate, Harry's had eggs and toast with raspberry jam, and Sirius had beans on toast and no eggs, which Sirius despised more than anything. “That laundry you're  folding is dirty.”

Sirius groaned and leaned back into the sofa and stared up at the ceiling, “I tried,” he chuckled. That was on him, he saw a stain on one of Harry's shirts and assumed that it was a fashion choice. He didn't know what five-year-olds were wearing these days.

James put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder and smiled, “And I greatly appreciate that,”

“Thanks,” Sirius said.

“You're good being alone with Harry today?” James asked.

Sirius shook his head, taking a sip of his tea. He was only a tiny bit worried about being alone with Harry. Sirius wasn't ever really known to be amazing with children. He was by no means awful, he was just awkward in a way. Scared of saying the wrong thing-he never had much of a filter. Harry practically worshipped the ground he walked on. Most of his time spent with his godson was when Lily and James were also present. Sirius was just worried that if Harry had too much one-on-one time with him, the awe would fade, and Harry would get bored, and move on to the next best thing.

“If you need anything Remus has offered to come by and lend a hand. Harry and Teddy are best friends.”

The last thing Sirius needed was help from Remus. He could handle his godson perfectly well on his own thank you very much.

“What's his deal?” Sirius asked.

“Remus?” 

“Mhm,” Sirius nodded, “I've never heard a peep about him before, but suddenly he's your guys’ closest friend.”

James chucked, “Sirius Black, are you jealous of him?”

Sirius shook his head and grunted as he took a bite of his toast, Sirius Black didn't get jealous. He just got annoyed-and it was annoying to see his best friends having inside jokes with a bloke he had never even met. Sirius was annoyed that his spot was taken because that was Sirius’ spot. It was annoying the way his cheekbones looked just right when they were sucking on the end of a spiff. He was annoyed that he didn't know Sirius was an author because don't James and Lily talk about him? Sirius wasn't jealous, he was just annoyed.

“Not jealous, just want to know where he came from.” Sirius tried to keep a neutral look on his face. 

“We met about a year ago when he bought the old Hogsmeade Market. We went on opening day with Harry, Remus had brought Teddy, and the rest is history.”

“Marlene seemed to know who he was,” Sirius was still pouting, he was always pouting these days. He was going to get lines if he wasn't careful, he made a mental note to stop pouting. He did not want to end up like his father, who was wrinkle galore. 

“Cause Marlene only lives 20 minutes away, she comes every other weekend,” James said through a mouthful of food.

Sirius hummed, still not completely convinced. Remus seemed pretty comfortable in Sirius' seat. It's not like Sirius wants James and Lily to turn his seat into a shrine and only let Sirius sit in it, but it's not the worst thought.

“Look mate,” James said, “You're still my best mate, he's not gonna replace you. We brag about you all the time, he probably assumes that we think the sun shines out of your ass.” Sirius smiled slightly, the sun did shine out of his ass as far as James was concerned.

“Why'd he ask what I did for a living then?”

James laughed as he grabbed Harry's plate. The toddler was now deeply focused on drawing in his colouring book. “I honestly have no idea, because I know for a fact he's read one of your books at least three times.”

Sirius felt a ping in the bottom of his stomach, of embarrassment perhaps, “Which one?”

“A Lesson on Beets,” James said walking back into the kitchen. 

A Lesson on Beets was one of Sirius’ less popular books, but also one of his favourites - if not his number-one pick. It's about a chef, and his mission to turn something undesirable by the masses, into something amazing-beets. It wasn't as fluffy as his readers preferred his books to be. It was a messy, complicated romance. It was his most personal novel. Not just because Sirius had an odd obsession with borsht.

Sirius got up and followed James into the kitchen, “How interesting,” He was not going to be able to stop thinking about that now. Why would he ask then? And why that book- or any of his books? Remus did not fit the demographic of his readers. 

“Anyways,” James sighed, “I'm off, I'll be back at five. Lily will be around at three, and Marlene and Dorky will be done with their gift-wrapping class at one, and said they would stop by after.”

Sirius laughed, “You have to be kidding.” Why would they take a class when they can so easily use a gift bag?

“Not,” James said as he was looking for his wallet, “You might be interested in that class too Padfoot.”

“I gift wrap just fine thank you very much.” Sirius fully believed this statement, no one else did.

James looks him dead in the eye, “Mate, I love you, putting everything in a bag is not gift wrapping.”

Sirius scoffed, “Not everything is in a bag!”

“That's right, sometimes you just void the bag altogether and put a singular bow on a bare gift.”

Sirius laughed, he had done that before. “Get going will you.” 

“You sure you're good with Harry?”

“Yes!” He was more terrified than he would care to admit.

“Call Remus if you need to!” James said walking out the door. Sirius had zero plans on calling Remus because Remus was not Harry's Godfather, Sirius was

Sirius walked back into the living room where Harry had seemingly fallen back asleep on the couch while watching Bluey. Sirius pulled out his lap and stared at his black document for the outline of his book. The same blank document he'd been staring at since Halloween when he had gotten the idea. Sirius felt like he struck gold when the idea hit, but ever since then, he's had nothing. The idea slowly faded away and now is just a scatter in Sirius' brain. McKinnon may blame it on his lack of sexual activity, but Sirius doesn't think that's the reason. He's written plenty of books before while single. He's written his most successful books without even looking at a man. 

Maybe Sirius had lost his spark. Maybe this was the end of his small empire. He hoped not. Writing was his one true love. Who needed a man when you could dream one up? He supposed that maybe his standards were too high in his writing and his dating life. Maybe if he just told himself it didn't have to be another bestseller, it would alleviate that stress, after all, his favourite book of his wasn't a bestseller.

He sighed, shut his computer, and stared at his sleeping godson. Was it okay to be letting Harry nap this early in the morning? Sirius would ask Lily tonight, but for now, it should be fine. Harry looked so peaceful.  He quietly got up and went into the kitchen to start cleaning up from breakfast. James had also asked Sirius to start prepping for dinner, they were having shepherd's pie. He pulled out everything he needed to prep (a yellow onion, and potatoes) and started chopping. His cuts were uneven and ugly. Sirius was no chef, far from it. He was surprised James was even letting him go towards a knife.

“Padfoo,” Harry came up behind him and scared the living shit out of Sirius, another reason Sirius should not be holding a knife.

“Well good morning to you Harry.” Sirius came over and scooped Harry up and set him on the counter.

Harry giggled, “Mum never lets me sit on the counter!”

“Well, I'm not mum,” Sirius stuck his tongue out at the boy, Harry started uncontrollably laughing.

“What can I do for you, my boy?” Sirius asked.

“I'm thirsty, but I don't want water.” A feeling Sirius had often, his love for Diet Coke showed for it.

“Hmm,” Sirius put his hand on his hip, trying to think of what children drink, “Milk?” was the only thing he could com up with.

Harry shook his head up and down enthusiastically. Sirius walked up to the fridge and poured him a small glass. 

“So what should we do today Haz?” Sirius went back to his onion.

“Football?” Harry was very excited.

“Duh,” Sirius said, “Let me finish chopping things for dinner, okay?”

“Okay,”

Harry finished his milk rather fast and then sat there talking to Sirius about football, and then his school, and then Teddy. Sirius found the boy to be quite hilarious, and rather sassy.

“Padfoo,” Harry said all of a sudden, looking over at Sirius with worry, “I gotta poo!”

Sirius quickly grabbed Harry and set him down from the counter. The boy started bolting for the bathroom, but before he was able to reach it, Sirius heard the loudest fart he has ever heard in his life (and he shared a dorm with James Potter). Harry looked at Sirius, neither of them knowing what to do. Harry snapped back from his shock and ran to the bathroom. 

Sirius didn’t know that such a large amount of shit could fit into such a little boy's body. Sirius didn’t know what to do. Poor Harry was sitting on the loo like a champ. Sirius just sat outside the door, not knowing what to do to help. After about 5 minutes of Harry loudly shitting, Sirius mustered up the courage to call Remus, he might know what to do, even if it bruised Sirius’ ego.

“‘Ello,” Remus answered the phone. 

“Hey, it's Sirius, James said I could call if I needed anything.”

“Sirius,” Remus’ voice sounded like butter saying the man's name, “How can I help?”

“Harry is pooping,” He prayed Remus could hear the panic in his voice. 

Remus chuckled, “Well that's normal, humans do the occasional poo,”

Sirius groaned, how could he say this without sounding like an imbecile? Sirius wanted Remus to think he could handle Harry. He wanted the whole family to think that he could handle Harry. He wanted to sound like he knew what he was doing - even if he didn’t.

“It's a lot of shit Remus. There is so much shit coming out of Harry's tiny little bum right now and I don't know what to do.”

“Ahh,” Sirius swears he could hear Remus smirk over the phone, “Did he have milk?”

“Yes, a little,”

“Harry is lactose intolerant.”

Sirius's jaw fell open. Of course, he was. How could Sirius not know? He felt like an idiot, and poor Harry was suffering the consequences. 

“Oh,” Sirius replied. 

“It’s okay,” Remus said calmly, at least he was bloody calm, “I’ll be over in a minute.”

“Argh,” Sirius exclaimed once Remus had hung up. He didn’t want Remus’ help, though he needed it. He wanted to be the best Godfather in the world. He wanted to be the best at everything. To know that Harry couldn’t have milk, and to know if Harry could take a nap early in the morning. Sirius wanted to not constantly be guessing with Harry. Most of all, and this may sound selfish, Sirius wanted to not feel like a shitty Godfather.

Soon enough Remus was strolling through the door to save the day. He didn’t even knock-did Remus know the Potters well enough to just stroll on in? Where had Sirius been? 

Remus walked in smooth, long strides. His legs were long, and Sirius stared at them. He stared at them long and hard, forgetting about the poo-megeddon going on just feet away from him. Sirius found himself staring at Remus quite a bit. His long legs, and his wrists, and his hands, his lovely hands. This annoyed Sirius (many things annoy Sirius) because Sirius wanted to hate the man for knowing more about Harry than he did, being more comfortable with Sirius’ family than Sirius was, and there he was, in his scratchy green jumper, and his long, beautiful legs, making Sirius stare. 

Remus walked to the middle of the living room, sniffed the air, and laughed. The laugh came straight from his throat. Sirius watched as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down. Fucking prick, comes in here, all high and mighty, just to look beautiful and laugh. Sirius had very mixed feelings at the moment and wanted to crawl into a small hole and forget about every thought he had ever had.

“Well,” Remus said, “It’s not your fault.”

Sirius pouted, “That little boy is having a very rough morning and it is all my fault.”

Remus sighed and peered into the bathroom, “Alright Harry?”

“Yeah, not as bad as that one time you gave me mac 'n cheese.” 

Remus laughed, “Oh, I remember,”

The tall man picked up Harry's discarded pants off of the floor and headed for the laundry room. “Lily and James have a knack for forgetting to tell people about Harry, and Harry has a knack for asking people for lactose.”

Remus helped Sirius clean up. Remus acted like a saint cleaned Harry's shorts, and started the rest of the laundry. After Harry was feeling better, they bathed him and let him lie down. The boy was exhausted. After all, was done, Sirius fell face-first onto the couch and let out a dramatic groan - he also needed a lie-down.

Remus laughed at him and sat on the couch across, “You did good,”

Sirius lifted his head so he could breathe, “I poisoned my godson.”

“You didn’t know,” Remus was smiling, always bloody smiling.

“I should have,” Sirius grunted, “I should be here enough to know.”

Remus didn’t say anything, he just continued staring at Sirius. Sirius wasn’t often keen on being perceived, but he was too tired to care. He let Remus stare. It was just occurring to him that Remus might be just as confused about Sirius’ appearance in his life, as Sirius was with Remus.

“It’s weird,” Sirius said, snapping Remus out of his trance, “I didn’t know a wick of your existence before yesterday, and yet you seem to like my family's favourite person.”

Remus laughed, “They warned me that you might hate me.”

Sirius scoffed, he didn’t hate Remus, just mildly annoyed, if that's the word for it. 

“I don’t hate you,”

Remus shook his head, “Never said you did.”

“You’re just,” Sirius couldn’t find his words.

“You feel as if I’m your replacement.” Sirius’ mouth falls open and he takes a long breath in. That's exactly how he feels. Remus is there. The Potters love Remus. Harry loves Remus. Harry knows Remus. Harry only knows of Sirius-the faint memory of Padfoo. Remus knows Harry; he knows he's lactose intolerant, he knows he tries to sneak milk and cheese whenever he can-he's already learned all of these things before Sirius. 

Before Sirius could say anything Marlene and Dorcus came through the door carrying many presents, all wrapped spectacularly-Sirius could wrap that good if he wanted to. But bags are nice and easy.

“What's up with you two?” Marlene asked as she placed the presents under the tree in the corner of the room. Sirius dives his face back into the couch and lets out a loud groan.

“I'm an awful godfather.” He declares, though his declaration is a bit muffled by the pillow his face is buried in.

“What's new?” Marls asks, sitting next to Remus.

Remus starts to laugh but disguises it with a cough. They all turn to Remus, except Sirius who decides that it would be a good moment for him to bury his head back into the couch. Breathing was not exceptionally necessary to him at this moment.

“Harry shite,” Remus says, “Harry shite all over the damn place.” And now Remus was laughing for real. Uncontrollably laughing actually. It was deep and airy. Soon Sirius was also laughing, and feeling minuscule less stressed about this whole thing.

...

“I need a smoke,” Sirius declared after Marlene and Dorcus were done showing off the impeccably wrapped presents.

“And I should go fetch Teddy,” Remus stood up and followed Sirius outside and down the driveway, following Sirius left on the sidewalk to the large bush they could duck under-not right to his truck. 

Sirius got the message and handed him a cigarette. Remus put it in his mouth, unlit and waiting. Sirius leaned over, lighter in his right hand, and his left cuffed around the cigarette, protecting it from the cold wind. Sirius was so close to the other man that he could feel the soft breaths coming from his nose. Sirius took a second to stop and stare at the freckles strewn across his face-but only a second before sharply pulling away. The cigarette was lit, and Sirius did his job. No need to stare.

Remus backed up and took a long drag. His long fingers were brought up to his face. Sirius is staring again. His mother always told him it was rude to stare-but when did he listen to his mother? Remus caught Sirius’ eye and raised his right eyebrow. Sirius simply shrugged and looked up and the grey sky as he took another drag.

“Is Teddy looking forward to Christmas then?” Sirius asked, breaking the silence.

Remus chuckles, “Yes, even though I keep reminding him that we're also Jewish. To which he responds ‘Da, Hanukkah was weeks ago, keep up.’”

Sirius laughs, “Multicultural,”

Remus hums in agreement, “Pretty sure he just loves sparkly lights,”

“Same,”

“You know, they all refer to you as ‘The Grinch’”

Sirius sighs, “I refer to myself as ‘The Grinch’”

Remus was silent as he beautifully finished his cigarette, “I really do have to go get Teddy,”

Sirius watched as Remus rubbed the tail end of the spiff into the ground. His brown boots squeaked against the concrete. He frowned, slightly disappointed to see him go.

“I'll see you tomorrow?” Remus asked, “Pretty we're all going ice skating?”

Sirius felt his mouth fall open a tad, “Ice skating?” No one told him. 

Remus shook his head as he backed away, “Lily booked us for a whole two hours,”

Sirius threw his head back and groaned, “Fuck me, I miss summer,” 

...

Sirius couldn't sleep that night. He tried sleeping on his left side, then his right, then his stomach, and finally his back. He stared up at the ceiling until he couldn't bear it anymore. He tried to be as quiet as he could getting out of bed, cursing as he tripped over his boots. He wrapped his jacket tightly around him as he made his way to his favourite bush to light a cigarette.

He stared up at the night sky, searching for his name's sake but the clouds were in the way. He sighed and took a long drag. Surprisingly, Sirius was a wonderful sleeper. It was rare that he had a night where he didn't. But when he did, it tended to be on nights he couldn't turn his mind off- tonight was no different. He couldn't stop thinking about how he didn't know that Harry couldn't have milk. The endless jokes about it from Marlene and Mary didn't help either. After dinner, Sirius grilled James to see if there were any other life-threatening things about Harry that Sirius didn't know about, (to which James responded, “Mate, it's just a little poo, he’s not gonna die.”).

Approaching footsteps from the drive pulled Sirius from his thoughts. He internally groaned, preparing for a scolding from James about the dangers of smoking, or a look of pity from Lily. Thankfully, it was neither, just Marlene, who had gotten a little too drunk the previous night and had to sleep over.

“A little late isn't it?” she asks.

Sirius gives her a tight smile and hands over the spiff, Marlene accepts it and grumbles something about not telling Dorcas. 

Sirius and Marlene always had an interesting relationship. Marlene was never one for codling Sirius. She always said what she was thinking, and gave it to him straight. He appreciated it, no matter how harsh it was. It kept him humbled, and lord knows Sirius Black needed to be humbled from time to time.

“So, what up your ass then?” she asks.

He chuckles, “Having a wee bit of a pity party.”

“Aren't you always, love.” she stuck her tongue out at her.

Sirius shoots her a glare, “I do try to look at the upside.”

“I know,” Marlene says as she grabs the cigarette back from Sirius.

“I think I'm quite terrified of Harry,”

Marlene laughs, “Because of the poo?” 

Sirius shakes his head, “In general, I think most kids scare me. They're very sticky.”

Marlene shakes her head, “You know when he was a baby I managed to avoid holding him.”

Sirius looks up, “The whole time?”

Marls shakes her head, “Not once,” 

“Impressive,”

They sat there in silence again, Marlene shuffling closer to Sirius and leaning her head on his shoulder. It was nice. They didn't have many moments like this. Marlene rarely liked to show her soft side. So when she did, Sirius knew it meant a lot.

“I miss you, Sirius,” she whispered.

“I miss you,”

“Do you?” Marlene asked.

Sirius closed his eyes tight. Of course, he did. He missed all of them. He missed the way Marlene teased him and never made his life easier, in a good way. He missed Mary and her ever-evolving fashion, and the way she always fixed his hair for him when they went out. He missed Lily and her sweet comfort, and her magic way of cheering him up instantly. He missed James and his way of always turning a shitting situation into something better. He missed them all so much.

“I do,” he breathed. 

There was more silence. It wasn't uncomfortable. It wasn't heavy, but you could tell something was lingering.

“Remus saved the day today,” Marlene said.

Sirius hummed in agreement.

“You know, Lily and James have this big plan to set you two up.”

“I assumed,” There was always a plan, Lily was always the mastermind, and James was the one seeing it out. It's happened time and time again.

“He thinks it might get you to stay,” 

“It won't,” Sirius said.

“What will?” Marlene asked, pushing herself up and looking at Sirius. She was quite a bit shorter than Sirius but that didn't stop her from intimidating him. She glared up at him, fist clenched, eyebrows furrowed, and her messy, blonde bun blowing in the wind.

“Marls,”

“I get it, Sirius, I do. But don't you think you've proved yourself? You can take care of yourself, yippee! You did it. You made your name, you kept yourself alive. And we're all extremely proud of you. But we miss you, and we worry about you. All alone. All grumpy. You didn't used to be grumpy.”

“I just hate Christmas,”

Marlene scoffed, “You were grumpy in fucking June, give me a break.”

Sirius held his hands up in surrender. He was grumpy in June, but in his defence, who's obsessed with June?

“What are you afraid of, Black?” She asked.

He sighed threw the bud of the cigarette down and stomped on it. “I don't know,” he whispered.

“You do, we both know you do. So say it,”

“Ugh,” He looked her in the eye, “I'm afraid I don't have a place anymore. Remus is here, and he knows Harry and Harry loves him. James and Lily are obsessed with him. You have Dorcas, who is lovely. You guys don't need me anymore. I don't fit in.”

He blurted it all out before he even knew what he was saying. He's surprised he had all of that in him honestly. 

“Sirius,” Marlene sighed.

“We should head in, I'm freezing my balls off.”

“No one could ever replace you,” She said, looking directly at him, “And I think if you gave Remus a chance you might have a soft spot for him.”

Sirius hums, “Oh, so you're also in on James’ plan?”

Marlene throws her head back and laughs, “Call me Cupid,” 

Marlene wasn't wrong, in school she had a special talent for matchmaking- she even convinced Lily to finally give James a chance. The fact that she wants to set him up with Remus scares him. Marlene knows what she's doing.

“Not falling in love, McKinnon,” he said slowly starting to walk back to the house, “Never again. I don't like a gold rush.”

“But, if you fall in love then you'll come home!” she said, running up to him and latching onto his arm as they walked back together.

And just out of spite, Sirius had a new goal for his three-week stay, under no circumstances was he to fall for Remus Lupin.

Chapter Text

Sirius Black did not ice skate. It was cold but sweaty at the same time, slippery, and overall, too much exercise than the man preferred. Worst of all, Sirius was amazing at ice skating- and everyone knew that. Despite everyone knowing that he would still try his hardest to look bad so that he didn't have to help anyone, Sirius Black hated ice skating and was not a teacher by any means.

“Remember Haz,” James tells Harry, “If you fall, it's gonna be cold.”

Sirius laughs, shaking his head. James never was one for pep talks. Sirius remembers once before a football game in school James told the team that they were “most definitely gonna lose, but please put on a show so Lily doesn't get bored.”, they ended up winning that game.

“Da, you can't make me wear those!” Sirius hears a small voice exclaim behind him. He turns around to see Remus squatting down bargaining with Teddy. Remus was wearing a pair of jeans that were particularly lovely on the behind, but Sirius was not looking at that, nor was he thinking about how they were horrible for ice skating because Sirius did not care. 

“Ted,” Remus sighs, “You don't have to if you don't want to, all I'm asking is that you try.”

“I'm literally going to die.” Teddy huffed.

Remus shook his head in disbelief at his 6-year-old. “Teddy, you're not going to die.”

Sirius smiled, and before he could argue with himself to talk him out of this, he was walking up to the boy and his father. “If it makes you feel better Teddy, I don't like ice skating much either,” he said. 

Remus shot him a “You are not helping look,” . Sirius shook him off and squatted down next to Remus to get onto the boy's level.

“But,” he said looking Remus in the eye, “I'm quite excellent at it.”

“Really?” Teddy said, perking up. His eyes weren’t the same as Remus’ amber ones, they were bright blue and sparkled as he stared at Sirius.

“Mhm, and I'm willing to show you a few tips and tricks if you'd like?” Sirius loosened the laces on Teddy's skates, anticipating the kid` needed them. He could feel Remus’ eyes on him. Sirius wondered what he was thinking. Sirius wouldn’t dare look at him, he was sure he would blush and he was tired of blushing because of that man.

Teddy looked up at him, “Is it scary?” he asked.

Sirius shrugged, “A little, but I can be brave if you can be brave.” Sirius Black was in fact being very brave right now.

“Okay,” Teddy said, “I'll give you five minutes to convince me.” he had a stern look on his little face and put his hands on his hips. Sirius found it very hard to keep a straight face.

Sirius shook the boy's hand, “You have yourself a deal little Lupin,”

Sirius got on the ice with the little boy and held his hand as he showed him the basics. Look forward instead of down, glide, point your feet outwards, etc…It took longer than five minutes and lots of small slips but, soon enough, Teddy was no longer scared and was ready to let go of Sirius. Sirius skated to the side of the rink next to Remus and watched the boy catch up to James and Harry.

“Thank you,” Remus said, “I don't think he would ever go on the ice again if I tried to teach him.”

Sirius laughed, “Not great at skating?”

Remus looked at him and raised an eyebrow, “I have many talents, this is not one.” Sirius has a quick lewd thought about Remus’ many talents but quickly suppresses it. 

“I can teach you,” Sirius says, cursing himself. He didn’t what was compelling him to teach the Lupins to ice skate, but he did not love it.

Sirius knew it was a bad idea. Sirius knew that the offer was making him vulnerable. But Remus and his long long legs didn’t know how to skate. And what a shame is that? What a shame was it that Sirius couldn’t watch them move fluidly across the ice. Sirius was also sure that Teddy would love to see his dad skate. And maybe that’s why Sirius was offering, for Teddy?

“Ha,” Marlene cackles behind them, skating to their side.

“What happened to ‘I am not an ice skating instructor, and I would rather die before I became one?’” Marlene asked.

Sirius could feel his cheek turning red. He wasn't an ice skating instructor. But Remus didn't know how to skate. And it would be fine. It would be fine if Sirius taught him. Sirius would make it quick, and then Sirius would not have to painfully watch the tall man have to catch up with his son (who was a natural at ice skating). Remus would know how to skate and Sirius could peacefully scowl in the corner - not having to worry about the tall handsome man falling on his face. That would be tragic - or maybe not, that crooked nose of his has something going for him, and the scars, Sirius thought that Remus’ scars were beautiful, not that he’s been doing a lot of thinking about Remus and his crooked nose and silver scars.

“I don’t know what you're talking about, Marly,” Sirius said through his teeth.

“I do,” Dorcus said, holding onto Marlene for dear life. “I was the one you said you wouldn’t teach.” Nothing against Dorcas, Sirius just wasn’t an ice skating instructor back then and still isn’t.

Sirius groaned and turned to Remus who seemed to be enjoying the whole situation. The tall man's smile quirked to the side, and his eyes deep brown eyes looked directly down at Sirius. Part of Sirius wanted to walk out of the rink altogether, go home, and start on the mulled wine for the night. But, the other part of him (for some utterly annoying reason) needed to teach Remus how to ice skate. So, Sirius let out a large sigh, set every ounce of his pride aside, and started skating backwards beckoning Remus to come towards him.

“Having a change of heart, I suppose,” he said.

“Praying for you Remus,” Dorcus called out. 

“Praying for all of us,” Marlene said quieter, but Sirius could still hear. She is the one who wants Sirius to fall for Remus, which he is not going to.

Remus held onto the side while attempting to follow Sirius, “I don't know about this Sirius,”

Sirius shrugged, “That's fine,” trying to remain casual and unbothered. Because he was not a figure skating teacher, it was fine, and he was not bothered by it at all. He didn’t want to teach Remus anyway, and he did not want a spectacle of him begging him to let Sirius teach him.

Sirius does a beautiful lap around the rink. Even throws in a double lutz jump in there somewhere. He could feel Remus’ eyes on him the whole time. Sirius loved it. He didn’t like ice skating, it made him a little dizzy, and he could hear his mother's voice in the back of his head calling his jumps were mediocre at best. And he didn't love feeling everyone's eyes on him. But he did love hearing Harry and Teddy cheer for him, and he did love seeing Remus mouth the words “holy fuck”. Sirius finished with a figure 8 and stopped in front of the man.

Sirius raised an eyebrow as he leaned against the railing, catching his breath. He should really quit smoking. Remus was staring at him, Sirius could feel it. Sirius wanted to prove that he didn't need to teach Remus to skate. It was a casual offer. Because Sirius Black was not a figure skating teacher. So it was fine that Remus didn't want to be taught. It was casual. And because it was casual, Sirius Black was not annoyed. Not in the slightest. 

Sirius’ cheeks were warm, and his fingertips were cold. Not his favourite combination. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket in hopes of warming them. His butt was beginning to feel cold and flat against the metal pole he was leaning against. He pouted and continued to watch everyone else skate. Remus remained by his side, also watching everyone, including the occasional glance in Sirius’ direction. 

Eventually, Teddy would fall directly on his face, and Remus would do his best to get to him without falling on his face as well. Sirius took this as his leave to get a beer and wait for everyone to be done. Eventually, they would be, and they would all wander to their respective cars, tired and cold.

…

Sirius didn't see Remus for three days. Which was fine, he barely even noticed. He was enjoying his time with the Potters, easing into their life more and more each day. He had forgotten how much he had missed his brother. In the back of his mind he was still terrified that he would do something to mess things up; to ruin Christmas, but that was neither here nor there.

Sirius didn't care about Remus’ absence.  Sirius definitely did not miss Remus and his perpetual gaze on Sirius when Sirius would sneak outside to smoke behind a certain bush. And Sirius definitely did not get tiny butterflies in his stomach when Lily asked him to run to the market to get ingredients for that night's dinner. Definitely not. That would be crazy.

Sirius strolled through the door of the market, the bell jingling behind him. It was so quiet inside that you could hear Sirius’ leather jacket squeaking along with him as he walked. Sirius headed towards the produce looking for the items on the list and occasionally glancing around for a tall Scottish man. There was no luck in the Scottish department. Sirius sighed and moved on to picking tomatoes.

“I don't mean to be a critic,” a deep, smooth voice said from behind him, nearly scaring Sirius half to death, making him let out a small yelp, “But you're god awful at picking tomatoes.”

“Jesus Christ,” Sirius breathed, still recovering from the shock.

“Just Remus is fine,” Remus said, seemingly proud of himself.

Sirius shook his head and looked down at his tomatoes, they seemed fine to him. “And are you some sort of tomato expert?” Sirius asked.

“Well,” Remus shrugged, “I specialize in produce.”

Sirius scoffed, “Well then, show me.” 

Remus meticulously picked up a Roma tomato from the pile held it in between his thumb and pointer finger in his right hand, and picked up one of Sirius’ in his left. “My tomato is a bright red colour, nice and firm, and doesn't have any visible bruising. Your tomato is so soft I'm afraid it'll burst in my hand.”

Sirius chuckled, but Remus was 100% serious. Remus set Sirius’ tomato down and reached for the other ones Sirius had already placed in the basket. He handled each piece of fruit with care. His long fingers which Sirius was so fond of were gentle and caring. Sirius was almost jealous of the fruit-but that would be ridiculous, of course.

Remus tutted, “Sirius, this one is practically green it is so unripe,”

Sirius whipped out his smile, “At least it's firm,”

Remus rolled his eyes and continued switching out Sirius’ shitty tomatoes for Remus’ perfect ones. Then, Remus took the list right out of Sirius’ hands and started picking the rest of his produce for him. Sirius just followed him around with the trolley, watching Remus pick vegetables like it was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen. 

“Are you coming for dinner tonight?”Sirius asked, hopeful for a change in company. He needs someone else there to stop James from bragging about what a good shit he had had that day.

“No,” Remus said without looking up. Sirius’ hopes were smashed.

Sirius frowned, “That's a shame, James is making minestrone.”

“James is a good cook,”

“The best,” Sirius said, begging Remus to look up at him, just for a moment. Remus was always looking at him, and now he was looking at the produce. Remus did not look up at him, instead he looked at the yellow squash. Fucking yellow squash. Rude. 

“That's one of the things I miss most when I’m in London. There's nothing else like Jamie's chickpea paprikash. I wish I could cook like him-I wish I could cook at all.” Sirius spoke, filling the silence, asking for anything from Remus.

“You don't cook,” Remus asked, continuing to stare at potatoes.

Sirius shook his head, “Nope,” he said, popping the ‘p’.

Remus looked up at him, finally. “You're telling me, you wrote a whole book about a chef, including recipes, and you don't cook?”

Sirius shrugged, “Never said I wasn't obsessed with The Food Network and Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.”

“Well,” Remus sighed, “I guess I'll have to teach you to cook.” 

“I guess you will,” Sirius was taken aback. 

When all the produce was picked, and the dry goods retrieved, Remus checked Sirius out, opening a new register, just for him. They both stood in silence, listening to the beeping. Sirius zoned out, wondering why Remus would want to teach him to cook. Sirius wasn't good at first impressions, so a first impression during Christmas surely should be sending Remus flying away. But here he is wanting to teach Sirius to cook-how interesting? 

The beeping eventually stopped and pulled Sirius out of his trance, “I'll see you tomorrow,” Remus spoke, “We're all going to the night market together.”

Sirius smiled, “I can't wait,”

Sirius Black is excited about a Christmas Market, but he was utterly annoyed.

…

“James?” Sirius asked that night during dinner.

“Yes, my love?” James responded as he handed Harry yet another napkin.

“I was thinking of getting Teddy a sewing machine for Christmas, do you think that's okay?” Sirius asked. He had gotten Harry so many presents he would feel bad if Teddy had gotten any less.

Lily had to do a double take as she was standing up to get more wine, “Sirius,” she raised an eyebrow.

Sirius felt like he was in trouble, but he didn't know why, “Lillian,” he responded, trying to hold his ground, he wasn’t great at it. They both know that Lily would win.

“Mate, I love you,” James said, looking him straight in the eye, “You cannot buy a man you just met’s six-year-old son, an expensive piece of machinery.”

Lily leaned over Sirius to refill his glass, “It's just too much,”

Sirius blew a raspberry and leaned back, pouting, “I just want him to like me.”

James laughed as he put another bite into his mouth, “Lupin’s obsessed with you,”

“Which one?” Sirius asked, not that he cared.

“Both,” Lily sat back down, “I saw Teddy the other day and he could not shut up about the ice skating lesson that you gave him.” Sirius smiled, proud that he could make a little boy's day, even if he wasn't an ice skating instructor. “Contrary to his father who could not shut up about being robbed of an ice skating lesson,” 

Sirius shrugged, “He said he didn't want one,”  Sirius distinctly remembers Remus frowning at him, saying he was unsure. Sirius wasn't going to press. Should he have pressed? Sirius didn’t know and didn’t like how much he was overthinking the whole situation. He was not an ice skating instructor.

Lily frowned, “Sirius, when did you become so cautious,”

He frowned right back at her. Sirius was cautious, it was new, within the past five years, ever since the break up he had been careful of almost anything that could potentially hurt him. He didn’t used to be so cautious. He used to be brash and cocksure. Sirius used to run into everything head first, wearing his heart on his sleeve. And every time he did that he would get hurt, time and time again. He was tired of it. So he stuck to what he knew. He knew London, and the Tesco a block from his apartment. He knew better than to give an ice skating lesson to someone unsure. 

“Lily,” he sighed, “I’ve grown,”

“Sirius,” James sighs, “I love you more than anything, you know that?”

Sirius shook his head, “James I love you too, but I do not want you guys mourning the man I used to be,”

James put his hands back in surrender, “I’m just saying you should live a little.”

“Be less boring,” Lily added. 

Sirius Black was not boring. Lily knew what she was doing when saying so, but that didn't mean that her mind trick wasn’t going to work. Sirius Black was not boring, and he was offended that she would even suggest that. 

He clutched his hand to his chest and gasped, “Lillith!”

Lily shrugged, looking rather smug with herself, “Prove it Black,”

He would prove it, and then she would know. Sirius Black was not boring.

…

Sirius decided that he would get Teddy a small, handheld sewing machine that was only ten pounds from the local craft store. He agreed with Lily and James that a real one might be a bit much. He just wanted Teddy to have something to sew with. He wanted that spark to flourish. He remembered when Alphard had gotten Sirius his first notebook and fountain pen when he was tending. Alpard told him that he could write about anything he wanted. Sirius would be forever grateful for that notebook.

Sirius also picked out a beginner sewing pattern for a tote bag and a small amount of mustard yellow fabric with little crescent moons on it. He hoped Teddy would enjoy it. Sirius let Harry pick out the fabric. His godson was very proud of his choice, saying that ‘Eddy was obsessed with moons.

Sirius didn’t know if getting Teddy a present meant that he should get Teddy's father one as well. If the answer was yes, Sirius had no idea what. He barely knew the man. He knew that he liked produce, but there was no use getting the man produce when he would be going to Remus’ store to buy it for him. That would be silly. 

Sirius was bad at the whole Christmas thing. Getting gifts was always stressful, and he thought that he was done with the purchasing gifts part, and prided himself on what he did for everyone this year. He got Marlene a gold antique lipstick holder. One that holds about five lipsticks at a time and spins to reveal them. He got Dorcus a joint roller because they told him their arthritis was getting worse the last time the two of them spoke, and he can only assume that that would affect their expert rolling skills. Mary was getting a new tarot deck from an artist that she loved and a beautiful peridot pendant. Sirius got Lily a fancy new soldering iron (her favourite hobby was stained glass, and was always complaining about needing a new iron, but refusing to buy one). James got a cigar box with an assortment of trinkets that Sirius had found in London over the past few months (small wooden figurines, marbles, skeleton keys, shiny things, etc.) James loved trinkets, and above all else, James loved shiny things. That leaves Remus the only one that Sirius did not get a gift for, leaving Sirius obliged to get him one, and Sirius had zero ideas, aside from produce.

When they arrived at the Christmas Market Harry insisted on riding on Sirius’ shoulders, pretending that he was a reindeer. Sirius took it upon himself to be the best reindeer that Harry would ever ride. Lily may think that Sirius is boring, but Harry never would. This made looking after Harry quite fun to Sirius, and quite less scary. Harry screeched happily as Sirius skipped around and made clicking noises with his mouth that were supposed to sound like hooves-it did not sound like hooves. 

“You sound like a car about to break down,” Marlene deadpanned, walking up to them, her white leather jacket wrapped tightly around her. 

“Harry,” Sirius said looking up at the boy who was weighing down on his shoulders, “Wanna learn a new trick?” 

“What is it Padfoo?” Harry asked enthusiastically.

“So what you’re gonna do is stick your fist out at Aunty Marly,” Sirius said as Dorcas and Mary walked up beside Marlene. 

“Like this?” Harry asked, doing as he was told.

“Perfect,” Sirius locked eyes with Marlene, and a dirty grin spread across his face, “Now you’re gonna stick only your middle finger up, just like this.”

“Okay!” Harry exclaimed, sticking up his ring finger, the thought was there. 

Marlene put her hand on her hip staring at the two, shaking her head in disbelief, trying hard not to smile. Dorcas and Mary immediately started cracking up, Mary pulled out her fancy film camera and snapped a picture. Harry started laughing too, and soon did Sirius and Marlene. 

“I wanna try,” a small Scottish voice yelled as Sirius heard tiny footsteps in the snow approach, and before he knew it, Teddy was right beside him, also flipping Marlene off. 

“Teddy,” Remus’ voice called out after the boy.

Sirius whipped around, rattling the boy on top of him. He stared at the man and then back down at the little boy flipping off Marlene. Sirius didn’t know what to do. Harry was now flipping off Remus with his ring finger. Lily and James, came up to the group, confused as to why everyone was laughing so hard, and why Teddy was giving Marlene the finger. Remus’ face looked relaxed, his eyebrows furrowed a little. Sirius couldn’t tell if he was mad or not. His cheeks were red, presumably from the cold. The scar that ran down the middle of his face was whiter than normal and looked to be a little raised. His lips were slightly pursed. Sirius didn’t know if he was mad or confused. Either way, he was beautiful Sirius noted. Sirius also noted that he shouldn’t be noting things like that.

Thankfully, Remus’ face soon softened into a smile, and an airy laugh released from his lips, “Teddy,” he said again, “We talked about this,”

Teddy lowered his hand and groaned, looking over at his father, “Daaaaa,”

Remus shrugged and walked up next to Sirius, brushing his shoulder lightly, “No flipping people off,” 

Sirius looked down at the ground, trying to hide his red face. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on a cup of mulled wine. Sirius is 100% sure that getting drunk off of mulled wine would solve all of his problems at this very second. Besides his impending doom over a very handsome many in a very ugly brown and purple sweater, with very slutty hands, Sirius is very pleased with how the night is going. 

Harry eventually asks to get down from Sirius so he can go run around with Teddy. The group first goes to the beverage stand. Sirius orders a mulled wine (of course), and so does Marlene, Lily, and Mary. Dorcus and James get a spiced apple cider, and the two boys and Remus get hot chocolates. They all stay together for a little while, Sirius and Dorcas find a blown glass stand that they both take an interest in, but eventually, they all begin to slowly taper off, separating into their groups, Mary takes the boys to see a puppet show about Saint Nick, Dorcas and Marlene go one way, and Lily and James go the other, grateful for the time alone. Sirius finds himself following Remus behind the kettlecorn tent.

“What's back here,” Sirius asks, confused.

Remus shrugs, pulling a flask out of his jacket pocket and pouring a hefty amount of liquor into his hot chocolate. Sirius shakes his head, understanding, but not saying anything. They stroll back into the festival, looking at all of the different shops, Sirius ends up buying a few more trinkets for James, and Remus finds a beautiful scarf to give to his mother. They were mostly silent as they strolled through the aisles together. Sirius assumed they would end up together at the market, and honestly would have been a little disappointed if they hadn’t been.

“Sorry I'm the reason your son was flipping people off in public,” Sirius awkwardly chuckled, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

Remus looked at him and rolled his eyes, “Definitely not your fault,” he said before taking a long sip of his hot chocolate. “My darling mother taught him to do it ages ago. He does it at every opportunity he can.”

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief, “Oh thank god, I thought I had corrupted him and you would hate me forever.”

Remus looked at him and raised an eyebrow, “No, I suppose I don’t hate you quite yet.”

Sirius smiled and gently knocked himself into the other man, “I'll try and keep it that way,” 

They came across a used book stall, and Remus enthusiastically made Sirius stop there with him. Sirius loved books. He loved to read, reading is where he got his love for writing. That being said, the list of books he has purchased and has yet to read, is long and quite ridiculous. So, he avoided looking at the books at all costs, to save his wallet, and his sanity when he eventually had to pack up his apartment and move.

Not looking at the books proves to be less hard than Sirius had thought. There was something much, much more distracting than a beautiful, forest-green copy of Pride and Prejudice. Sirius watches Remus as he picks up a book and holds it closely to his face, silently mouthing the synopsis to himself, then shakes his head and places it under his arm, moving on to the next one. 

Sirius watched and watched. He watched how meticulous and delicate Remus was with every touch. He watched Remus hunch over a short table, making him look even taller than he already was. He watched as Remus silently started handing Sirius books to hold while he continued looking. Not even Sirius Black, whose love for books was his whole life, could not look at books as long and with as much attention as Remus could; but Sirius, funnily enough, could look at Remus for that long. 

It was a small stall but Remus must have read the synopsis for every single book in there. Remus decided on five books, including the beautiful green copy of Pride and Prejudice that Sirius had his eye on. 

“You know,” Sirius said as they walked back into the bustle of the festival, it had started snow while they were in the stall, “Pride and Prejudice is my favourite book.”

Remus looked over, looking rather pleased with himself, “Really?”

Sirius shook his head and pulled up both of his sleeves, revealing his forearms revealing the fine line tattoo that he had of The Hand Scene from the 2005 adaptation. One of many tattoos that Sirius had, but one of his favourites.

“The Hand Scene,” Remus whispered as he looked, Sirius' heart lurched, surprised that Remus knew what it was. Remus’ eyes wandered to the rest of the tattoos scattered around Sirius’ forearms. Sirius realized that he had been wearing sleeves all week and Remus had not yet seen any of them.

“That's the one,” Sirius rocked back on his heels as Remus watched him. Goosebumps started to form and his hair started to stand up, but for the first time in Sirius’ life, the cold wasn't bothering him. 

Remus swallowed, and Sirius watched as his Adam's apple bobbed. He reached out and traced his finger across a long wooden wizard's wand Sirius had run from near his elbow and down to his wrist. He looked up at Sirius. His eyes were gleaming from the holiday lights and small snowflakes had started to catch in his mousy hair. His cheeks were nice and red from the cold, and his lips were perced. Sirius kept his eyes lingering on his lips. Tempting, tempting lips.

“There you two are!” A booming James Potter shouted from behind him, Remus quickly pulled his hand away and Sirius just as quickly pulled his sleeves down. “Been looking everywhere! Ready to head home?”

Sirius had wanted to kill James Potter many times, but this time takes the cake. Sirius glances over at Remus who seems to be less bothered than Sirius, with his standard neutral face. Sirius pouts even more.

“Just about,” Remus sighs.

“Teddy and Harry were asking for a sleepover tonight James says as they all start walking back together, “Lily and I would be happy to take them tonight if you're willing to give Sirius a ride back since we won't have enough room to take them all.”

Remus shook his head, “That would be great, I wanted to show Sirius something at mine, so we'll stop by there first.”

Sirius gulped, what did he want to show him? Did they talk about this? Did Sirius forget? Was he being kidnapped? He supposed being kidnapped by a tall, handsome Scottish man with a deep voice who loved produce and books wasn't the worst thing in the world but was more than ideal. Unless he was actively avoiding catching feelings for the man, that was less than ideal.

“Padfoo!” Harry exclaimed and ran up to them, “Look! Aunty Mary bought me this broom.”

The boy holds up a bundle of sticks attached to a much larger stick. It's a beautiful witch's broom. Sirius looks up at Mary, with a confused look on his face.

She shrugs, “He wanted it,”

“I wanna fly!” Harry squealed.

Lily tutted, “You four,” She pointed at Sirius, Marlene, Mary, and Dorcus, “need to learn to say no.” She was trying to be stern, but she wasn't mad.

“What was that Lils? “ Sirius asked, cuffing his ear, “Your mouth was moving but no words came out.”

Lily rolled her eyes and started heading for the car. James came up behind Sirius and started messing with his hair. Sirius made an odd squawking noise and ducked to get away from the assault.

“Have him back in one piece,” James raises an eyebrow at Remus.

Remus shrugged threw his hands up and started walking backwards, “If I'm feeling nice.”

Remus’ truck smelled old. Old and musty, a mix of dirt, coffee, and gasoline. It was so cold in the car that Sirius could see his breath. He patiently waits for Remus to get into the car and turn the heater on. If Marlene were around, she would tell Sirius to stop being dramatic, but Sirius didn’t think he was being dramatic, it was just damn cold. Remus gets in, takes a look at Sirius, and chuckles at the shivering man. He turns on the car, puts the heater on full blast, and then leans over Sirius to grab something from behind the seat. Before Sirius knew it, Remus was tucking him in with a blanket, and driving away. 

They sat in silence, listening to David Bowie and Bing Crosby's rendition of “The Little Drummer Boy”. Sirius felt his eyes getting heavy as the car warmed up - he always had a knack for falling asleep in the car. Everything felt very content in this moment, and Sirius thought that he could get used to this, and even more scary - Sirius might prefer a night like this to London. Being surrounded by all of these people-his people. It was nice.

“You’re a terrible driver,” Sirius yawns after Remus takes a very sharp turn.

“That is hearsay,” Remus says, “And we’re almost home so you don’t even have to worry.”

Remus pulls up to a small, dark brown a-frame house with sage green trimming. There was a stone pathway leading up to the door, lined with naked bushes. Sirius was sure that you would be beautiful in the spring. The warmth of the house hits them in the face as they enter. It smells of cinnamon, and dust (a perfect combination in Sirius’ book). There are bookshelves, lots and lots of bookshelves. Beautiful dark walnut bookshelves, and a walnut coffee table surrounded by two couches and a chair, one purple couch, one yellow couch, and an orange chair. It was very comfortable.

Sirius throws himself onto the purple couch in the middle of the living room and watches Remus as he puts his keys in the bowl on the table by the door and places his and Sirius’ shoes neatly under the table. Remus disappears into the kitchen, and Sirius feels a jolt of disappointment, but it is quickly relieved as Remus comes back into the room with two glasses and a bottle of Merlot. Sirius was thrilled.

“What is it that you wanted to show me?” Sirius asked as Remus picked up his feet and sat under them.

Remus took a long sip before looking at Sirius and answering, “Hmm?”

Sirius chuckled, “You told James that you had something to show me,”

“Ahh,” Remus shook his head, “I just wanted your company,”

Sirius feels himself blushing and smiles into his glass. Sirius felt very honoured to be the one Remus wanted to spend his time with, “What's your favourite book?” Sirius asks.

Remus throws his head onto the back of the couch and stares up at the ceiling, “If I tell you, you’d call me a kiss ass,”

“Well Remus, I’d love for you to kiss my ass.” He would, but that is neither here nor there at this point.

Remus laughed, “My favourite classic is Dorian Grey,”  

Sirius shook his head, “But that's not your favourite book,”

Remus shook his head and placed his hand on Sirius’ ankle, “A Lesson On Beets,” Remus said, looking him in the eye.

Sirius’ mouth quirked into a smile, and he suddenly felt intensely proud of his book. It was his favourite - it meant the whole world to him, but now it meant that much more. Sirius felt honoured knowing that Remus Lupin, connoisseur of books and produce, picked his book of all books to be his favourite. 

Sirius slapped his arm, “You’re just saying that,”

Remus slapped him back, “Can assure you I’m not,”

Sirius had a big, dorky smile on his face. He finished his glass of wine, set it down on the coffee table, and nestled himself further into the couch. It was nice and warm, and the wine was making his cheeks nice and pink. Remus held his hand on his ankle, rubbing his thumb back and forth. Sirius couldn’t stop thinking about how he could get used to this; his family, all together, having fun, together, him and Remus walking through the isles, Remus looking at books, Remus driving him home, putting a blanket around him, Remus getting him wine, Remus with his hand on his ankle. It was almost all too much.

“I’m very proud of that book,”

“You should be,” Remus says, staring at him.

Sirius stared back at him, he wanted to reach out and brush the brown curls out of Remus’ eyes, so he did. Remus shuddered at his touch and as Sirius brought his hand back Remus’ eyes followed. Sirius suddenly felt very warm and pulled his sweatshirt off, revealing his Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt, it was old and full of holes, but one of Sirius’ favourite. Sirius looked back at Remus, who was staring. Sirius raised an eyebrow at him, and Remus quickly focused on his wine.

“How many tattoos do you have?” Remus asked.

Sirius looked at his arms and did a quick count, “Roughly 20 probably,”

“Just on your arms?”

Sirius shook his head, “They’re everywhere, arms legs, places for you to find out on your own,” Sirius winked.

Remus took a sharp breath in and finished off his glass, setting it down on the table, “It getting late,” he breathed.

“Yes,” Sirius sighs, “And I hear you and I have been volunteered to go pick up a Christmas tree tomorrow.”

Remus chuckled, “Do you want to stay here, I have a very cosy guest bed?”

“Sure!” Sirius exclaimed, maybe a little too eager. He would have preferred Remus’ bed, but we can’t all win. 

Remus led Sirius up to the loft. It was cute, there were of course books, lots of books. There were also boxes, a doll house that Sirius assumed belonged to the younger Lupin. Teddy's art was plastered around the walls. The bed sat in the corner of the room under the window. There were fairy lights placed around the window and ceiling, making the room look quite magical.

Remus flipped the space heater on while Sirius investigated everything. There was a whole shelf on one of the book racks with books solely written by author Sirius Black. Sirius felt his cheeks get warm as he ran his finger across them all. 

Remus cleared his throat behind him, and Sirius turned with a wide smile on his face, “You're obsessed with me!” he exclaimed.

Remus raised an eyebrow, keeping his composer, “I like to read, sue me.”

Sirius took a step closer to the man, “Are you sure you haven't brought me here to kidnap me until I give you a new book?”

Remus shrugged and took a step toward the other man, slowly filling the gap, “It has been a while, hasn’t it.”

Sirius took one more step, they were now inches away from each other, “Now I may just retire, out of spite.”

“You would never,” Remus gasped, taking the smallest step, they were now so close that Sirius could feel Remus’ breath softly on his face.

Sirius rested his arms on either side of Remus’ shoulders, pulling him closer, “They do call me the Grinch.” 

Remus shook his head, “I don't think you're the Grinch.” he whispered.

“No?” Sirius asked.

“No,” Remus confirmed, and just as they were about to close the final gap, Sirius' phone started ringing.

“James fucking Potter,” Sirius cursed, pulling away, and suddenly the room was a lot more cold than it was a second ago.

“James, what the fuck do you want?” Sirius seethed.

“Woah, woah, woah,” James chuckled, “What happened to hello, how are you, my name is?”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Oh James! What a pleasure it is to speak with you! How can I help?” Sirius deadpanned.

“I just wanted to know if you were coming home tonight?” 

“Remus graciously offered his guest bed, and I accepted. We both had wine and we don't think it's a great idea to drive.”

“Oh!” James exclaimed, he sounded thrilled, “Well I will see you at the tree farm then.”

“Good night Prongsie,” Sirius smiled.

“Good night Paddy,”

Sirius threw his phone down on the bed and looked back to Remus who was awkwardly standing by the door. Sirius internally groaned, he knew that the moment was over. 

“You're going to bed?” Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head, “It's late, and I fear the wine is making me sleepy.”

Sirius gave him a tight smile, “Okay,” 

“Goodnight, wake me if you need anything, Sirius.”

Sirius saluted him, “You got it,”

Remus smiled at him, he looked disappointed, before Sirius knew it the other man was headed down the stairs. Sirius frowned staring at the books. He knew all of this was a bad idea, but it had been so long since he felt like this.

Chapter Text

Remus made Sirius breakfast in the morning, scrambled eggs, pork sausage, and toast. Sirius helped with the dishes afterwards. They didn't talk much. It wasn't awkward, per se - but there was something unspoken in the air like they were in a stalemate. Waiting for the other one to crack the ice. Waiting for the inevitable. 

Sirius ended up borrowing one of Remus’ many jumpers. He chose the only solid black one that Remus had, claiming he had to keep up his punk rock appeal somehow. Remus rolled his eyes at him. The drive to the Christmas tree farm that James had chosen was about 45 minutes away. Sirius curled up in the passenger seat with his blanket. Remus played Christmas music, and Sirius didn't argue, even though he desperately hated Christmas music.

“Why do you hate Christmas?” Remus asked as Lucy Dacus sang Last Christmas in the back.

“Oh you know,” Sirius dismissed, “My cruel upbringing and what not,”

Remus chuckled, “Ah,”

It was half true, Sirius’ mother always made Christmas nothing but agony. Between his father only being there half the time (when he was, he was drunk) and his mother needing everything to be “perfect” straight down to how the presents are wrapped, Sirius never looked forward to it. And then there was the year he left. He tried not to associate Christmas with when he left he made an effort to forget it. It was too hard to remember Regulas looking at him with his sad grey eyes, and asking, “Don’t you want to spend Christmas with me?”. It was too hard. 

Sirius quickly shook away the memory and turned back to Remus who was squinting at the road as the snow began to come down harder. Sirius tightened his seat belt slightly and gripped the side of his seat. Remus wasn’t the worst driver he had driven with-that was Marlene, but nevertheless, Sirius hated driving. He preferred to walk when he could, or if he couldn’t walk then take the train. Sirius did love trains. That was one perk of staying in London, he could just take the tube. One of the few perks Sirius could think of at the moment.

“Bad things happen at Christmas,” Sirius said even though he didn’t have to, the conversation could have been left.

“But so do good things,” Remus replied, still focusing on the road, “You can’t always dwell on the bad.”

Sirius was sure he could though. Christmas was bad. That was his belief since he had been young. Every time he began to think that Christmas was good, something bad happened. Every time. His dog dies, he breaks his arm on the ice, his toes get frostbite, and the love of his life dumps him. Christmas has never been fun. 

“Oh, you would be surprised,” Sirius deadpanned.

“Teddy's mom left on Christmas,” Remus says.

Sirius doesn’t know how to respond. Guilt bubbles up within him. It's shitty. Christmas is shitty. And that was a prime example and Remus was only proving Sirius’ point. Sirius was almost sure that nothing good would ever come of Christmas. 

“And,” Remus continued, saving Sirius from having to figure out something to say, “Even though it broke my heart into a million pieces, she gave me Teddy.”

“Teddys pretty great,” Sirius sighed. 

“He’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and happens to love Christmas, and that means I love Christmas.”

“Every time I start to like Christmas, it lets me down,”  Sirius responds feeling sad, wishing he had something- someone he loved enough to force him to like Christmas.

Remus remained silent, focusing on the road. Sirius watched as his knuckles turned white he was gripping the wheel so tightly. They were both silent for the rest of the drive to the farm. Sirius sulked in his seat. There was only so much Christmas talk he could take, and frankly, the more people told him to like Christmas, the more he was determined to keep disliking it. Not even a handsome Scottish man who almost kissed him the previous night could change his mind. Sirius Black was stubborn and that meant, Sirius Black would clench his belief that nothing good happened at Christmas for as long as he could.

When they pulled into the lot of the farm, James was already there with the kids and the three of them were building a snowman in the parking lot. Harry and James worked together to build the body of the sculpture while Teddy worked on finding acorns to make a face. Sirius stood and stared, watching the happy family, not wanting to interrupt. Remus placed his hand on the small of his back. Sirius jumped slightly, surprised, Remus just smiled slightly and turned his attention to the builders across the lot. Sirius felt his cheeks get hot, cursing at Remus internally for making him blush constantly.

“There is only one man I would drive through a snowstorm to fetch a goddamn Christmas tree for,” Remus called out to James,

“Even though he already has one,” Sirius added.

“Hey!” James yelled, walking towards the two, Sirius quickly shook Remus’ hand off of his back, praying James didn't see, “It's dead already! We need a fresh one for Christmas.”

“Yeah!” Harry exclaimed next to him.

“Let's go pick one out boys,” James says, and they all follow him into the entrance.

Sirius would never understand getting a real tree versus getting a fake tree. Fake trees are much easier. You don’t have to go out and find a new one (or two, if you’re James Potter) and then haul it home, you don’t have to worry about watering it, or it dying, or the damn pine needles getting all over the floor. James always claimed that real trees were always more magical, and Sirius would always say that a clean floor is much more magical. 

James was very meticulous in picking out his tree. It couldn’t be too tall, or Lily would get mad at him. It couldn’t be too fat or it wouldn’t fit through the front door. But it also couldn’t be too short or too skinny, or James would be sad. It also had to smell nice. While James searched for the perfect tree, the four others followed behind him. Harry ends up on Sirius’ shoulders, his new favourite spot to be. Sirius feels a sort of pride that Harry chooses him instead of anyone else. Remus mutters something about James taking 2 hours a month ago when they did this before, and Sirius prays that they all make it off the farm without freezing to death.

Every once in a while, Remus will brush his hand or shoulder against Sirius’, and Sirius’ heart skips a beat every single time. Sirius didn’t like it. He didn’t like the feeling of falling. Because it was Christmas, and when the lovely Christmas spirit gives him something as lovely as Remus Lupin, it's bound to be ruined. Sirius feared that the more he fell, the more bone-crushing his landing would be.

After almost an hour, James landed on his perfect tree. It was beautiful, as much as Sirius hated to admit, and never would to James’ face. Remus was recruited to help James carry it to the front, unfortunately for them, the tree was located in the back. Sirius watched Remus from behind, he was holding the tree all on his own, looking rather annoyed at James taking his time positioning himself at the front of the tree. Even annoyed, Remus was very handsome, especially holding the tree, and Sirius wondered for a second what else he could hold, before pushing that thought to the back of his mind.

“Sirius?” Teddy walked next to him.

“Yes, Teddy lad?” Sirius said, not knowing what to call the boy. ‘Teddy’ felt weirdly formal to Sirius, even though it was a nickname already.

“How do you find inspiration for your books?” Teddy asks, and Sirius is slightly taken aback.

He thinks for a second, listening to the sound of everyone's boots crunching in the snow, “I guess I take inspiration from the things around me, and the things that I love.”

Teddy shook his head, “I guess that makes sense,”

“For example, I really love borscht, which is a soup with beets in it, so I wrote a book about beets,” Sirius shrugged, slightly hoping it would make Teddy laugh-it didn’t, “Why do you ask?”

Teddy shrugged, “I just like to know how people get creative,”

“You’re very profound,” Sirius told the boy, thinking if he was that eloquent at that age, maybe Walburga would’ve liked him a little more.

“If you write about things that you love, would you ever write about Da?” Teddy asked, looking up at Sirius with wide eyes.

Sirius’ mouth fell open, and he didn’t know what to say. Seems that James and Marlene have recruited a six-year-old for their meddling. Sirius looked up at Remus, hoping he hadn’t heard, but, all Sirius could see was the man's arse, not a particularly bad view either. 

“Teddy,” Sirius said, looking down, “Me and your father have only just met.”

“I knowwwwwww,” Teddy drew on, “But he quite likes you, you know. And so do I, so I think you should consider it.”

Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose, chuckling in disbelief. Everyone in the north wanted Remus and Sirius together. Sirius didn’t know what to say to Teddy, luckily, he saw a hare run through the trees and decided to run after it to catch a better look. Sirius watched the boy he was very smart, listing off facts about rabbits to the group. His eyes soon wandered back to the boy's father and his lovely bum. A pit formed inside Sirius’ stomach. Suddenly everything felt a little more real, and a little more scary now that Teddy was involved. 

… 

Sirius made it a point to sleep on the drive home with Remus - or at least pretend to sleep. He wasn’t in the mood to be expertly charmed by Remus, that's what Sirius tells himself. There are a few times when Sirius wants to hold on for dear life, but only slightly stirs. He decides it's a good time to wake when Remus stops at a sign, signalling that they’re back in town.

“Mornin’ Sunshine,” Remus exclaims as Sirius lets out a dramatic yawn.

“Hello,” Sirius says, wrapping his blanket around him, “Not very close to sunshine, am I? More of a night person.”

“I do suppose Sirius is the brightest star,” Remus says, leaning over Sirius to check the road, “The prettiest star,” he catches Sirius with his crooked smile, before quickly turning away to check the other side.

Sirius Black always had the upper hand. Sirius Black was always in control. Sirius Black knew how to regulate his emotions and how to suppress them. Sirius Black could handle himself-that is until Sirius Black met Remus Lupin, and suddenly, Sirius Black was a puddle in the passenger seat of a dirty pickup truck. 

You would think that being a writer he would have a better time finding his words, but he just sat there, no words to be found. Sirius just reaches over and grabs Remus’ hand off of the centre console where it was resting, and laces their fingers together. Sirius curses himself and curses his feelings which heavily contradict his brain- constantly contradicting his brain. 

“You’re making this hard for me,” Sirius said, staring at their hands, Remus’ perfect hand fit so perfectly with Sirius’, it was rather maddening. 

“And you’re making it hard for me to drive,” Remus said, pulling his hand away to turn into the Potters drive. Sirius’ hands suddenly felt naked and cold, he pouted, “Stop pouting, you,” He pouted some more.

James came out to help Remus remove the tree from the bed of his truck. Sirius just leaned against the car and watched. Mary eventually joined him and handed him a mug of hot whiskey, which Sirius gratefully accepted, thinking it might be his favourite part of being in Scotland- then he saw Remus’ arse and thought maybe the drink was the second.

“Great arse,” Mary said.

“Great fucking arse,” Sirius sighed and took a long sip.

“How was your night last night?” Mary asked, leaning against him.

“I’m doomed, Mary, I’m fucking doomed,” He groaned into his mug. 

“You were from the start, honey.” She walked into the house, and he followed her, feeling slightly defeated. 

While they fetched the tree, the girls at home stripped the old tree and seemingly got rather drunk in the process. Sirius headed to the kitchen to get another mug of whiskey, he desperately needed to get on their level, maybe even more than that.

Sirius slumped on the couch and watched as Remus and James struggled to stand the tree up, proud of them for making it in the door. Teddy and Harry were banished into Harry's room until the tree was up, to make the process easier for everyone. Mary is trying to direct the two men with the tree, and Sirius supposes she is helping a tiny bit. Dorcas puts on music and reaches out for Marlene's hand, and they slowly start to sway together, holding each other tightly. Lily comes and sits next to Sirius and puts her arm around him as he curls into her lap. They silently watch everyone.

The tree falls twice, and James falls once when the boys escape from their room and Harry runs into James’ bits, knocking him back into the tree. Eventually, it does end up standing. Which is Lily's cue to start stringing the lights, and Sirius’ cue to get yet another mug full of whiskey.

Sirius wanders into the kitchen and leans against the counter. Everything was feeling nice and warm. He was content. He stared at the star anise floating around in his cup and his mind wandered to what Remus said to him in the car and a big, goofy smile spread on his face. “The Prettiest Star”. It was his favourite Bowie song.  He felt like a teenager, drunk and giddy.

Remus appeared in the doorway and Sirius tried his best to wipe the smile off of his face. Remus walked next to him in front of the stove poured himself a cup and leaned on the counter next to him. They were silent for a while, their shoulders slightly brushing-Sirius resisted the urge to set his heavy head against Remus.

“We should go help decorate,” Remus spoke, interrupting the peaceful silence.

Sirius leaned his head back and groaned, “We got the tree, isn't that enough?” 

Remus chuckled and looked down into his mug, his hand was gripping it tightly around the rim, and his wrists were sticking out just enough to see his bony joint poke out. Sirius took a big sip of his whiskey, thinking it would drown his undeniable attraction for the man.

“You have lovely wrists,” he said, staring.

Remus looked at him and quirked his eyebrow, “How many have you had?”

Sirius shrugged, “Doesn't matter, sober Sirius also thinks your wrists are attractive,”

Remus laughs and sits up, “Come on then, maybe if you behave they won't make you put the star topper on.” He reached out for Sirius’ hand and Sirius gladly accepted it.

Thankfully, Sirius did not have to put the star on top of the tree, that was Teddy's job, it was offered to Harry, but Harry politely declined, claiming he didn't feel like it. The tree looked beautiful. Sirius couldn't stop staring, it was quite mesmerizing. They all sat there and ate Chinese takeout, stared at the tree and talked. 

Sirius found it easier to ease into the conversation than he had when he first arrived. He knew the names of Lily’s coworkers and he knew that Marlene and Dorcas named the plants they had growing in their greenhouse, and they weren't just talking about random children. He knew the ins and outs of everything. He sat and listened, sometimes joining in or adding a story of his own. It was lovely.

As the night grew, the boys got tucked into bed in Harry's room by Lily and Remus. When they returned, Sirius leaned his head against Remus and closed his eyes, listening in on the conversation, enjoying the warmth. Remus ended up shaking him gently, telling him it was time for bed.

Remus brought Sirius up the stairs to his room, Sirius sleepily leaning on him the whole time. He was warm and quite bony but Sirius didn't mind. 

“Are you staying here?” Sirius asked when they reached the room. His heart hoping so desperately for one answer, and his brain hoping for another. 

“Mhm,” he shook his head, “James is getting the couch ready for me.” The couch was not in Sirius’ room, why was that? He really believed full-heartedly that the couch Remus would be sleeping on should be in Sirius’ room. And if the couch turned into Sirius’ bed, that would be even better.

“Lucky couch,” Sirius said, pulling his shoes off. 

“Let's get you tucked in,” Remus said, pulling the covers down for Sirius. Sirius watched as Remus’ fingers pinched the fabric. He was always so smooth and graceful, Sirius wondered what it would feel like to be under those fingers.

Sirius stared at him, thinking he didn't ever want to leave this night behind, “Remus, I leave in a week and a half,”

Remus turned back around to him and stared at the floor, “That's unfortunate, I like you here,”

“I promised myself I wouldn’t get feelings for you,” Sirius tugged at the rim of his sweater.

He chuckled, “I promised I wouldn't date until Teddy was a teen.”

“Halfway there,” Sirius lazily pumped his fist in the air.

“We could call it even then?” Remus looked at Sirius, cocking his head to the side.

Sirius looked back, “I’d like that,” 

Remus steps forward, takes Sirius’ head in his hands and kisses his forehead. His lips were rough and chapped, warm against his cold head. 

“I'll see you in the morning,” Remus headed for the door, and Sirius reached out for him, attempting to pull him back.

“But-”

“We're drunk Sirius,” Remus sighed, “Sleep well,”

Chapter Text

Sirius did sleep well. He awoke to James, who was bringing him eggs and an aspirin. To his great disappointment, Remus and Teddy were gone by the time he was downstairs. Remus had to open the store that morning, and Sirius suddenly felt the need to go pick up some tomatoes.

“He’ll be at quiz night at the pub tonight,” James said through a mouthful of toast.

Sirius perked up. He loved quiz night. “Oh, that's nice,” he said, trying not to act too excited.

“Thought you might like that,” James rustled his hair as he grabbed his plate from below him, “And another bonus for you, it's not Christmas themed.”

Sirius pumped his fist into the air, “We are so winning!” 

James drummed his hands on the table, “That's the spirit!” 

James left for work and Sirius and Harry were alone for the day. They started by watching cartoons, then moved on to some careful indoor football (which Sirius quickly stopped when a glass was nearly broken), and then it was time for Harry's midday nap.

While Harry napped, Sirius quickly snuck into the garage to rummage through the box James had of his things. It was mostly old journals, some pictures, and his football jersey. He was about to give up, but at the very bottom, there it was. It was ratty, and the homemade binding was tearing off. He brought it upstairs clutching it close, and carefully wrapping it, in stolen wrapping paper from James, and placed it under the tree. He was proud of himself and prayed it wasn't too much.

Remus came around 6 to drop Teddy and the babysitter named Percy off. James and Lily had taken the time before the quiz started to go on a small date after, leaving Sirius and Remus to arrive early at the pub with an hour and a half to themselves. Sirius was quite pleased.

“I saw you were on the Thirty Under Thirty list,” Remus says after they got their drinks (Remus an IPA, and Sirius a rose) and sat down.

Sirius gives him a tight smile, “I was surprised by that one,”

Remus cocks his head to the side, “Why?”

Sirius Black, king of discrediting himself, shrugged and took a long sip of his drink, “I’m just a romance novelist.” 

Remus laughs and leans forward over the table, his shoulders pointed at Sirius, “Please tell me that's not what you think?”

“Well,” Sirius starts.

“Your words are beautiful Sirius,” Remus holds his eyes onto Sirius, “I’m not a romance reader, but I read you because your words and stories are beautiful. And putting that aside, you have a major movie adaptation coming out in a year, and have been at the top of the bestselling list three times.” Remus leans back, not breaking his gaze, “Give yourself the credit, mate.”

Sirius feels his last words linger. Mate. Remus gives Sirius a whole speech, but he can only focus on the last word. Mate. Mate. Mate. They were mates now? Sirius opens his mouth to say something; he doesn't know what, but thankfully, a woman comes up and starts talking to Remus. Sirius wonders if he calls her mate. Sirius glares at her, crosses his arms, and watches. Remus smiles through his teeth as she laughs, touching his arm lightly. 

This is a terrible moment for Sirius. Being called mate, and then some woman touching Remus’ arm. The thought of simply dying right there in his seat crosses his mind, but he supposes that James wouldn’t be too pleased with him. So, Sirius sits there, putting on a neutral face, and waits for his mate, Remus, to finish his lovely conversation. Sirius did wonder if having an hour and a half alone with Remus was too good to be true. Remus’s idea was to go to the pub early, just the two of them. Sirius had gotten his hopes up. Sirius knows better than to get his hopes up on Christmas. 

Soon another woman comes up and joins the conversation. Sirius sits there awkwardly and stares, Sirius is sure his neutral look has morphed into a sneer. Apparently, everyone wanted Remus Lupin, and Sirius was not a fan of that. He wasn't a fan of any of this. Wanting Remus, wanting his company, wanting his attention, and praise. Sirius wasn't a fan of what Christmas was doing to him. Especially, because apparently, he was just Remus’ “mate”.

The women eventually left, after what felt like years to Sirius. Remus let out a long sigh before finishing his drink, “I thought they would never leave,”

Sirius gave him a tight smile, “I thought they were a joy,”

“The look on your face says otherwise,” Sirius’ face loved to show what he was thinking, much to Sirius’ dismay.

“Everybody wants you,” Sirius muttered, looking down at his hand, chipping at his nail polish. He was far too old to still be wearing black nail polish. 

Remus gave a dismissive laugh, “Ever since I opened the market, a group of single mothers have been after me. It's rather annoying really.”

“I don't care for it,” Sirius sighs, “She touched your arm and I was not a fan.” 

Remus stood up from his seat, “I’ll get the next round,” he stopped next to Sirius, looking down at him, chuckled, squeezed Sirius’ arm, and carried on. Sirius sat there, with the imprints of Remus’ fingers and a blush gliding onto his cheeks.

When Remus returned, Sirius was grateful to have him all to himself once again. Remus began telling him about the history of the pub, and Sirius listened partly, it was hard to concentrate with all of his thoughts fighting in his head. He had no idea what was going on with Remus. He had no idea what was going on with himself. Worst of all, he was not prepared for quiz night, and Sirius had never lost a quiz night.  

“Why’d you call me ‘mate’?” Sirius asks, interrupting Remus during his lecture on the importance of buying produce that's in season. 

Remus looked at him, shocked, and just as he was about to open his mouth to say something, Marlene and Dorcas walked up to the table. Marlene, offended that Sirius was sitting in her spot, made him get up and sit next to Remus in the booth. “Her spot my ass,” Sirius whispered as he scootched in next to Remus, keeping a polite distance. ‘Mates’ kept a polite distance when sitting next to each other in booths.

Next to come was James and Lily. James sat in the chair at the head of the table, and Lily sat in the chair left next to Dorcas. Mary was next to arrive, smushing in next to Sirius, causing him to crash into Remus as they moved down. Sirius elbowed Mary in the ribs, she retaliated back even harder. 

Sirius felt very warm. Where Remus’ thigh was touching him was practically burning. Maybe this is what vampires felt like when they walked out into the sun. But, it couldn’t get any worse, than Remus puts his hand on Sirius’ knee. His fingers gripped slightly, and his thumb gently moved back and forth. Sirius shuttered and looked over, but Remus didn’t bat an eye and continued chatting with Lily. Mates. Sirius wonders if he should get Remus a dictionary for Christmas because this is not what it means to be mates.

The first category was general knowledge. Sirius took the pen and brought the paper in front of him, Remus took the pen out of his hand and slid the paper to himself. Sirius grunted and inched it back towards him. Remus looked at him and raised an eyebrow, gracefully slid the paper back, and tightened his grip on Sirius’ thigh. Sirius’ eyes went wide, he debated conceding to the divine, long fingers. Before he could decide, Marlene intervened herself with a loud groan and slid the paper between the two men.

A large smile spreads across Remus’ face and he laughs loudly, “Thank you, Marlene.” Sirius supposed this was the most evil Christmas had ever been to him as Remus moved his hand higher up Sirius’ thigh.  

The first category was general knowledge, it was easy, and everyone in the group knew the first one: How many stripes on the American flag? Thirteen. Easy. The second, both Remus and Sirius knew: What’s the national flower of Japan? Cherry Blossom. Sirius was very polite by letting Remus write all of these down, even though Sirius thought his handwriting would have been much neater and more legible than Remus’. For the last question in the category: How many time zones does Russia have, Sirius knew the answer, it was eleven. Remus did not know the answer, he said eight. 

Remus stared at Sirius, and Sirius stared right back, holding his ground, ignoring the burning hand on his thigh, or the foot delicately grazing his leg up and down. Sirius just stared back at him, slightly pouting. He reached slowly for the pen, keeping his eyes locked with Remus the whole time. His eyes were beautiful. Sirius knew that, but now, sitting here staring, he had time to think about them. They were a dark, dusty brown, like a leather-bound antique book. A book Sirius so hopelessly wants to crack into. Crow's feet peaked at the corners as he smiled over at Sirius, like cracks in the leather. Remus at last gave in and handed Sirius the pen. Sirius broke eye contact, winking at him as he moved on, elegantly writing his answer down on the paper, the image of brown eyes burning into his brain. 

They went back and forth the whole game, most answers they both knew the answer and some didn’t. The rest of the group was not as invested as the other two, which is normal for them. They started taking bets on who would get more questions right, Remus or Sirius. Marlene started keeping track of who answered what. In the end, Remus got seven right, Sirius got six (and a very bruised ego), and James got one, they were all incredibly proud of James. They got second place overall.

Afterwards, Sirius ducks outside for a much-needed cigarette.  The cold air was a harsh contrast to the warm pub, and Sirius wished he would have worn his coat versus his leather jacket. A minute later, Remus ducked through the doorway and joined him. They did their dance, Sirius popped an unlit cigarette in Remus’ mouth, and Remus came in close so Sirius could light it all without saying a word. Sirius watched as the flame lit up Remus’ freckles, wishing that he had never seen that, wishing he had never seen Remus. 

“You’re gonna kill me,” he said, putting the flame away, and watching the freckles fade into the shadows.

Remus looked up and took a long drag, “Murder-suicide I suppose,”  

They let the silence fill back up, listening to the laughter of drunks around them, cars passing by, and the faint sound of Christmas music that was constantly around this time of year. Sirius starts to count the colourful lights strung above them. Twenty-four blue, twenty-seven green, twenty-five re-

“There's mistletoe,” Remus interrupts Sirius counting, pointing to the bunch of leaves that are tied together in a red ribbon, hanging above them.

Sirius stares up and his hands get clammy as Remus takes a step closer, “What is it that they say about mistletoe?” he asks, trying to be funny.

“That they're parasites that steal water and nutrients from their host plant,” Remus says, and lord he is very close to Sirius now. Talking about plants. Staring at Sirius’ lips and talking about plants.

“Fucking Christmas,” Sirius breathes, staring into the brown eyes that look golden under the Christmas lights.

“Not a fan?” His long arms are now resting on Sirius’ shoulders, one hand curled inwards and playing with the ends of his long black hair, and the other holding his cigarette.

“It's cruel this year,” Sirius says, staring at the chapped lips above him.

“We could call it even,” Remus whispered.

“Even though I'm leaving?” 

Sirius watched Remus take a gulp, his Adam's apple bouncing up and down, and before Sirius knew it, Remus was crashing down into him. His chapped lips crashed into Sirius’ pridefully soft ones. The taste of cigarettes lingered on both of them. Remus tugged gently at Sirius’ hair causing him to tilt his head back and Sirius gladly opened his mouth, granting Remus more access. It was hot, messy, and eager, and Sirius did not want it to end.

Unfortunately for Sirius, the door to the bar opened with a jingle and the two sprang apart as James Potter waltzed next to them, singing God Bless Ye Merry Gentlemen, but only half the words coming out of his mouth were the correct lyrics. Remus quickly threw down his cigarette, apparently in his hand the whole time. Sirius, still in shock, lightly brushed his fingers on his lips.

“Remus,” James began, not saying anything about the cigarette, even though they all knew he was thinking it, “I know you open the store in the morning the  next couple of days, so we'll let you get home.”

Remus, who was spaced out, looking in the direction of Sirius’ waist, “Yup,” he said, popping the ‘p’, not looking up.

James rocked back and forth on his ankles, eyes darting between the two of them, “Sirius dear,”

Sirius’ eyes darted over to James, he almost forgot he was there because Remus Lupin just kissed him. Remus Lupin just kissed Sirius Black and Sirius Black was having a bit of a freak out. Because an hour and a half ago, Sirius Black got called Remus Lupin's “mate”. He called him his mate and then snogged him.

And oh, Remus Lupin was a good kisser. Great kisser even. Sirius didn't know what to do. He had a goal. And he had a suspicion that he would not achieve that goal. Especially since Remus Lupin is staring at him, staring at him so, so hard. He didn't like this one bit. Sirius Black didn't like that he was now utterly obsessed with Remus Lupin's lips. And Remus Lupin's face. And Remus Lupin's voice. And Remus Lupin's love for produce. Sirius Black did not like having feelings for Remus Lupin, anticipating his face in a red flush every time he saw him. The anticipation was practically killing him.

“Sirius?” James repeated, “Time to go home,” 

“Right,” Sirius took a deep breath and glanced over to Remus, catching his eye, “Home.”

“Go,” Remus said, that was not the answer Sirius wanted, “I have an early morning and I'm no fun when I have early mornings,”

Sirius frowned, looking at him desperately. Remus had given him a small taste, and now he wanted nothing more than to have the whole feast. “Yeah,” he said softly, looking down defeated.

“I’ll see you guys soon,” Remus said, looking directly at Sirius. Sirius could feel his eyes burning into him. Sirius just stared at the fake Christmas tree on the ground. He was almost positive that looking at Remus would kill him. He would combust. Right then and there. This is how he would go-death by Christmas.

“Welp,” James said walking backwards, “This has been awkward and weird, but we have to go relieve the babysitter. Is Teddy staying the night?”

Remus breathed in sharply, and looked over at James, his first time taking his eyes off of Sirius, “Fuck,” he breathed, “I can come to get him,”

“Great!” James opened the door, “Sirius can ride with you,” he disappeared quickly so no one could argue, he knew what he was doing. 

Remus fished his keys out of his pocket and started walking to his truck without saying anything. Sirius followed in toe with his hands behind his back. The list of things Sirius could do with his hands right now was astronomical, he thought it safe to keep them behind his back. They silently get into the truck. Remus turns on the car, and hands Sirius the blanket, Sirius thanks him with a quiet hum. They sat there in silence, Sirius waiting for Remus to put the car in drive, but he never did. They sat and waited. Sirius wasn’t sure what they were waiting for, but he waited silently and patiently. Good things come to those who wait.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t date until Teddy was older. He gets attached so quickly, and he just needs so much attention as it is. It was my plan, and I tend to like plans.” Remus said very quickly and he looked down at his lap and picked at his cuticle, “He was so hurt when his mother left and I-” he cut himself off.

“How old was he?” Sirius asked - he had never considered how Teddy would work into all of this. 

“When he was three,” Remus shifted to face Sirius, “But that-that doesn’t matter. I’m gonna drop you off at the Potters, and I’m gonna go home and fall asleep thinking about you, and your mouth, and your slutty waist. And we’re both gonna decide if we can handle this. Okay?”

Sirius' mouth fell open and stayed open as Remus turned and put the car in drive. Sirius could do this, or that’s what he believed at that moment. He wasn’t attached to Teddy, Teddy wasn’t attached to him. He knew Sirius lived in London, and he knew Sirius would go back to London after the holiday. He didn’t know that anything was going on between Sirius and his father. He could do this. He’d just have to keep his distance. 

“Okay,” Sirius said after a moment, “I will think.”

“Thank you,” Remus said as he stared at the road, and Sirius stared at Remus. He did love to stare at Remus.

“I'll see you tomorrow?” Sirius asked as he stared at him. The street lamps lighting his face in waves.

Remus shook his head and frowned, “I open the store the next three days,”

Sirius frowned even harder, “Well what about the evening?”

“I promised Teddy we’d bake cookies together, I'm looking forward to having time together,” Remus said, eyeing Sirius to see his reaction.

He could handle this, it was casual. It was casual. Teddy comes first. Teddy would always come first. And Sirius knew that. Sirius knew where the line was. So, he would suppress that thought to the deepest pit of his mind. The thought of him being a part of that family, and decorating cookies together. Because Sirius did not fit there. He was Sirius Black, and he lived alone, in London, and he was content. 

Chapter Text

Sirius was in agony, but he would never admit it. He buried it deep down and decided to focus on Harry. He would spend quality time with his godson and enjoy it. He would not think about how he hadn't seen Remus in two days. He would think about moving the couch and playing hockey inside with Harry. And he would think about not giving Harry milk - because that would be bad. 

He was getting good at not thinking about it, not thinking about his chapped lips, or messy brown hair that was just starting to grey on the sides. He would not think about his love for books. Sirius would not think about that; instead, he would think about the book that he was writing. That was no use. The book is still just a figment of his imagination. 

He sighed, shutting his computer, and got up to make a snack for Harry before he woke up from his nap.  He's been very into peanut butter and celery lately. Sirius couldn't stand celery. But Harry does, and Sirius is proud of Harry for eating a vegetable.

“You're very methodical about how you spread your peanut butter,” a deep Scottish voice said behind him. Sirius just about jumped out of his skin.

“Jesus Christ,” Sirius whispered loudly while Remus laughed at him.

Remus threw his hands out in surrender, “I'll take louder steps next time,”

Sirius let out a loud “Hmph,” and turned to put the peanut butter back into the cupboard, “A knock would do,”

“I suppose,” Remus said through a loud sigh as he watched Sirius clean up. 

Sirius pretended to be mad at him, keeping him on his toes, but he wasn't. “What do I owe the pleasure of seeing you this afternoon?”

Remus shrugged, “Teddy wanted to go sledding, and I thought you and Harry might as well.” He smiled. Sirius did not want to go sledding, it was wet and cold, but Harry did. So Sirius agreed, making it known that he would just be observing. He swore he heard Remus whisper, “We’ll see,” under his breath but he claims he said nothing.

The boys practically bounced off the walls as Remus and Sirius prepared them. They worked well together. Remus got them dressed as Sirius went over safety protocols but in a “fun, hip way” as he described to Remus. It was not fun or hip, but they all went along with it either way. 

They walked up the block to a large hill at the edge of the neighbourhood. Teddy had to stop at almost every house and look at the decorations and give them a rating. Almost every house had room for improvement. Sirius joked he should leave them notes on how to improve in their mailbox. Remus had to convince Teddy that there was no need to do this. It took a lot of convincing.

It was cold. It was very cold, and there was only so much that his peacoat and beanie that Mary crocheted him could do. Next year, he would probably have to buy proper snow gear-if he comes next year. He would probably come next. And the next, and the next. Eventually, he would stay, sooner than later. But he was stubborn, and admitting that was admitting defeat. And so was buying a proper coat to wear in the snow. So he would wear his posh coat and let Remus make fun of him.

Harry loved to dive off of his sled, head first into the snow, Sirius just about had a heart attack, but Remus assured him that he was fine.  Harry gave them a big thumbs up and ran back up the hill to go back down once again. Remus stood close to Sirius, but not too close. Just out of reach. 

Acting normal around Remus was proving to be much more difficult than he thought. Especially when he could still feel the burn of his lips imprinted onto his. Sirius had no idea where the two of them stood. That was the worst part. Not knowing. Not knowing if he was going to get to kiss him again. Not knowing what he was thinking. Not knowing what he looked like without those damned sweaters he was always wearing. Sirius just wanted to be in the loop and prayed that Remus would let him in at some point.

Being around the kids helped. Harry wanted to fly, which frightened Sirius. Lily would murder him if the boy wasn’t returned home in one piece. Luckily, he didn’t get very much air time, if any. Teddy was more cautious. He loved to come up with new tricks that Harry could do, but never do them himself unless Harry was successful and then he would maybe try it out. After about an hour, they were tuckered out. 

On the walk back to the house, Harry insists on riding on Sirius’ shoulders while Teddy rates Taylor Swift's albums, his new favourite obsession. Remus walked next to Sirius, glancing at him every few steps. Sirius felt on edge. Remus hadn’t said anything to him the whole afternoon. He wasn’t cold to him - quite the opposite. They would converse in spritely with the boys, all four talking freely - but never directly to Sirius. It was awful.

How unlucky for Sirius? He pityed himself. He was never the type to need someone's attention. Never one to be so consumed with this type of ache. But he was. He was consumed with Remus and his long, slow, strides as he walked - Sirius having such admiration for how smooth Remus was. His smooth voice was Sirius’ Achilles Heel. Sirius wanted that voice's attention. He wanted it to suck him in and never let him go. He wanted that voice to be his, and his only. But it wasn’t, not yet. And that was about to drive him mad. 

They arrived home, just at the same time as Lily. Remus walked in, chatting with Lily, following her to the kitchen, while Sirius stayed back in the living room to get the children out of their snow clothes. He tried to listen and see what they were talking about, but Harry and Teddy began to laugh as Harry did a silly dance, which became infective and had Sirius laughing as well. It was rather hard trying to get two wiggly boys out of stubborn boots, but Sirius was successful. He was more proud of himself each day as he started to excel more with simple tasks surrounding Harry. It wasn’t that hard after all.

“Teddy,” Remus announced himself back into the room, causing Sirius’ face to get warm, and a shiver to run across his body, Sirius willed for the all-consuming voice to stop having that effect on him, “Would you like to have a sleepover?”

Teddy and Harry both perked up with excited looks on their faces, “Yes!” they said in unison.

Sirius could feel Remus’ eyes on him as the boys did a lap around the room to let out their excitement. Sirius didn’t stare back, he feared that it would be too much and he would cease to exist, or wish that he would. Remus said his goodbyes to his son, making sure he had everything for the night. Sirius felt a wave of disappointment, as he knew Remus had to be up early, and he would not be choosing to spend his evening with Sirius. He curled into a corner of the couch and moped, staring off into the lights of the Christmas tree. He knew it was for the better. It was Christmas, and Sirius knew better than to trust Christmas.

He got flashbacks to five years ago, the ring in his pocket, staring at a Christmas tree, with tears welling in his eyes as the then love of his life, walked out the door, leaving him alone. Or to twenty years ago as he sat in the Potter's living room, next to the tree, trying to process that he would never have another Christmas at 12 Grimuald Place. His mother's voice ringing in his ears, telling him to never come back. He knew better than to trust Christmas. 

But all that got thrown out the door, as that smooth, all-consuming voice rang through his brain, saying the one thing he wanted, “Sirius?” Remus was headed for the door, “Are you coming?” 

Sirius sprang up, of course, he was coming. He would go anywhere Remus wanted him to, but just for the weekend. Could Sirius trust this? Could Sirius trust Christmas to let him have this, just for the weekend? He pleaded with Christmas to just let him have this for the weekend. To call Remus babe, just for the weekend. Was that so much to ask for?

…

Remus brought Sirius back to his house. The five-minute car ride was torture. It was so quiet. Remus didn’t say much, aside from cursing out other cars, which he did so beautifully. Who knew hearing him pronounce fuck “feck”, would do such wonders. Christmas music played softly in the background and Remus hummed the choruses so deep Sirius could have mistook it for a growl. Maybe that was on purpose. Sirius prayed for it to be on purpose, pleading with God.

“Do you like Mushroom Julienne?” Remus asked as they pulled into his driveway. 

Sirius had no idea who or what Mushroom Julien was, but he sure did enjoy it when Remus said the words, “I’m sure I would if I knew what that was,” Sirius smiled sheepishly at him, Remus turned the car off and looked over at him, a smile spreading onto his face.

“Well, you better,” Remus got out of the car and when Sirius didn’t follow suit, he walked around the car and opened his door for him, reaching his hand out. 

Sirius gladly took it, it was a warm contrast to the cold outside. Remus walked him inside, Sirius gripping onto his hand with no plans to let it go. He was so warm, Sirius hadn’t felt this kind of warmth in years. Remus was a fire, and Sirius was a moth getting pulled to the flame. Not letting go, even if it kills him.

When inside, Remus sat Sirius down at the kitchen island poured him a glass of Pinot Grigio, and walked out of the room. Sirius looked at the room around him, laughing as he counted the dozens of little Italian chefs Remus had scattered around the kitchen to decorate it. Sirius’ heart beats a thousand miles a minute as he waited for Remus to reenter. It felt like forever. Sirius drums on the counter and sips his wine. Waiting. Thinking of all the possible things that Remus could be doing besides drinking wine and cooking Sirius Mushroom Julien.

“Sorry,” Remus reenters the room, and Sirius takes a deep breath and watches as Remus strolls through the kitchen in a pair of dark brown linen pants and a purple sweater. Constantly wearing sweaters. Sirius’ first thought was to wonder how Remus had enough closet space, and his second, maybe more pressing thought was to wonder what lay beneath the sweater, “Thought I’d change since the snow made my clothes a wee bit wet.” A dirty joke flashes through Sirius’ mind but he quickly shoves it out. He was an adult, he needed to remind himself.

He walked behind the counter Sirius was sitting at and ducked into the fridge. He had to be at least a foot taller than the machine. He pulled out a box of crimini mushrooms and a yellow onion, set them on the counter space in front of Sirius, and then turned around to wash his hands.

“I don’t suppose I can trust you with a knife,” He asks, grabbing a cutting board and a knife and setting it down.

Sirius shakes his head and barks out a laugh, “I don’t suppose you can trust me in the kitchen, darling.” The last word effortlessly rolled off of his lips. Just for the weekend. He said over and over in his head. Just for the weekend. 

Remus frowned, “I told you I’d have to teach you to cook, “ he walked around the counter stepped in front of Sirius placed a hand on his thigh and leaned over him, “You’re gonna have to trust yourself, darling. ”   

Sirius stared back, holding his ground. His face turned hot at the sight of Remus’ lips inches away. He wants to reach out at grab them with his own but that would be too easy, too quick. Part of the fun was the anticipation, and both men knew that. So they stared at each other, Sirius slowly melting as Remus's grip on his thigh tightened and his tilted smile grew wider. Waiting for Remus to end the anticipation. 

“That's a big ask,” Sirius breathed in, it was so hard to trust himself when his head was telling him to run but his heart was telling him to drink up every last moment that he could with Remus. 

Remus swiftly pulled away and walked to the other side of the counter, like he was never there. Sirius needed him back. Needed to grip him back. But all he could do was watch as Remus started to julian the onion. Sirius watches his fingers. He was so obsessed with his fingers. The fingers which led to the rest of the hand which led to the wrist, arguably the best part. Just a simple, bony wrist. 

“I'm gonna start by slicing these onions, then the mushrooms,” Remus began explaining the method of the recipe, and Sirius tried his best to follow along. The dish was simple, sliced mushrooms in a rich cheese sauce. The way Remus described it made Sirius' mouth water.

Remus assigned Sirius to sauté the onions, then the mushrooms as he got the rest of his mise en place. Sirius was stressed that he would mess things up. Remus reassured that all Sirius had to do was stir, so Sirius stirred, locking in, staring into the white bottom of the porcelain-coated Dutch oven as it slowly turned golden. He just about jumped out of his skin when Remus came behind him, putting a hand around his waist as he slowly poured in the rest of their bottle of wine to deglaze the pan. 

Regaining composure, Sirius leaned into the touch of the other man, humming into him. Filling out each other's curves as Remus pressed his stomach into the small of Sirius’ back. It was the closest they've ever been. Remus moves away slightly while he reaches for the cream on the counter, and Sirius lets out a small whimper, but he is soon back in his spot, never fully losing touch with Sirius. 

This remained the rest of the time they were cooking together. Remus is right behind Sirius, his left hand never leaving his waist. He explained each step to Sirius, how they were doing it, and why they were doing it. Sirius found it all very interesting, though, he would have found everything Remus was telling him interesting. 

The last step was to put the dish into the oven and let it bake for thirty minutes. In the meantime, Remus opened a new bottle of wine and led Sirius to the couch to sit while he put on a record. Thankfully, it was not Christmas music, instead, it was one of Sirius’ favourites, Hoziers self-titled album. 

“You did good, in the kitchen,” Remus said as he came and sat across from Sirius on the couch, Sirius swung his legs onto the sofa and shifted to face Remus, who then pulled Sirius’ feet into his lap and started stroking his ankle with his thumb.

Sirius shrugged, trying not to freak out about his feet in Remus’ lap, “I just stirred.”

Remus nodded, “And you did an excellent job.”

Sirius blushed hard, “I-I’m excited to try it.” 

Remus breathed through his nose as he zoned in on Sirius' socked feet, “It was my father's favourite. He made it almost weekly during the cold months growing up.”

Sirius smiled, “Do you see them much? Your family?”

Remus shook his head, his smile dimming, “Me mum lost interest in me when I brought home my college boyfriend, then regained interest when I introduced Ted's mum and then lost it again when Teddy turned out to be as flamboyant as he is. We're lucky to hear from her once every six months.”

Sirius frowned, “She's missing out,” was all he could find to say, “What about your dad?”

“He died a few years back,” his strokes across Sirius’ foot were getting slower.

“I'm so sorry,” Sirius whispered, reaching his hand out to Remus, who accepted it gratefully.

Remus turned to face Sirius and gave a shy smile, “It's alright, really,” he assured, “It’ll be ten years on Christmas day.”

“Fucking Christmas,” Sirius swore. 

“He was Jewish so just another day to him,” Remus jokes.

“Bad things happen on Christmas,” Sirius said, repeating what he always says when someone asks him why he doesn't like Christmas.

“Like what?” Remus asked, cocking his head to the side. Sirius figured it was no use not telling him now. 

“Oh you know, just Walburga Black kicking me out of my childhood home when I was 16 on Christmas day. And then there was the time that I planned to propose to my boyfriend of ten years on Christmas but not before he decided to tell me we have nothing in common and that I'm too reckless and he could never marry me.” It was all a bit of word vomit, but Remus didn't seem to mind.

Remus filled both of their glasses back up and nodded towards Sirius, “Fuck Christmas,”

“Fuck Christmas,” Sirius agreed, taking a sip. At least someone was finally agreeing with him. 

The timer for their dinner rang through the house and Remus jumped up to fetch it. Sirius settled into the couch, smiling peacefully into his wine. He was slowly, slowly getting used to this-to Remus, to the warmth that he brought Sirius. It was all rather lovely, and golden to Sirius. He closed his eyes thinking back on the day they’d had, laughing at something he remembered Teddy saying to Harry: “Of course it's warm inside Harry! That's the whole point!”. Fork found in the kitchen, so to speak. 

Remus reentered and handed Sirius a bowl, and then sat next to Sirius, leaning into his shoulder. Sirius took a bit and practically moaned into the fork. It was amazing. Remus was an amazing cook. Sirius assumed he would be-the whole love of groceries and produce gave him a hint. But Sirius was still sat in shock as he ate, the rich sauce washing over him. He could die happy. Christmas could take him if it pleased. 

He praised Remus for his expert culinary skills. Remus swore it was easy but Sirius knew it was bigger than that. Out of every recipe Remus could have chosen to do, he chose the one with memories. Memories with his father, and presumably memories with Teddy. Sirius was proud to have been served this because it was so much more than just food. It was only a bonus that it was delicious. 

They ate in silence, speaking in bits every once in a while. Sirius ate quickly, soaking up the last bits of sauce with the toasted French bread Remus had provided. When they were both finished, Remus silently took their bowls to the kitchen. He was a man of few words Sirius was beginning to realise, only speaking when he felt it absolutely necessary. Compared to Sirius who constantly felt the need to speak whenever there was silence to fill-most of the time. He found it easier to remain silent with Remus. Partially because he was too scared to embarrass himself, but also because there was less pressure to. He hated pressure. 

“Well,” Remus announced himself back in the room, walking in front of the couch, but not sitting, “I have another early morning.”

This was it, Sirius thought, this is when Remus kicks him out, and Sirius goes home. All this longing and tension built up in his body, getting no chance to be relieved. That couldn’t happen. Sirius was at Remus’ whim, but he couldn’t keep doing this to Sirius. Sirius had to speak up for himself, he had to be brave.

“You’re gonna make me ask,” Sirius said, remaining on the couch and staring at Remus who remained standing.

“I want you to ask,” the man said. He was so tall. That's almost all Sirius could think about as he stood in front of him like a statue. Sirius wishes he could have a statue of Remus- his landlord would never allow it.

“Please kiss me,” Sirius whispered, holding his breath, scared that if he breathed Remus would blow away, and turn to dust.

Before he knew it, Remus was in his lap kissing him messily. It was sloppy and wet and desperate. Sirius opened his mouth welcoming. Remus’ hands cupped the back of his neck, thumbs running across his cheeks. Waves of pleasure wash over Sirius as Remus moves down to his neck. In due course, Sirius' shirt came off and Remus moved to kiss his chest. 

“Remus,” Sirius said, tugging on his hair, and bringing him back up, “I need to see what's under your sweater.”

A stupid smile spread across Remus’ face, “Do you?” His left eyebrow quirked up as he sat there, just out of reach.

Sirius shook his head, his eyes pleading with the other man, “It’s been my biggest mystery since arriving, actually.”

Remus leaned back and laughed, “Not the ‘will they won’t they’ of it all?”

Sirius shook his head adamantly and started tugging at the hem of Remus’ sweater, “I always assumed we would end up here at some point, Marlene is nothing if not an expert matchmaker.”

Remus laughed some more, reaching to pull the sweater over his head and giving in. Sirius was quite pleased, feeling that the wait was worth it. He pulled Remus back down to him, kissing his chest and all the freckles covering it. Remus rewarded Sirius with soft moans as he went up his neck and back to his mouth. Sirius wanted to kiss him forever. Remus’ cracked lips warmed up Sirius’ cold ones. It was extravagant and Sirius almost couldn’t handle himself.

“Ask for it,” Remus said into Sirius’ mouth, “I need you to ask for it, Sirius.” And Sirius would, over and over again. 

Chapter Text

Sirius awoke in the early hours of the morning to Remus’ alarm. Sirius pulled him in closer but it was useless as he whispered he’d be right back. Sirius forced his eyes open, worried he’d fall back asleep before Remus left, that would be tragic. He flicked the lamp on and sat up in bed, looking over the room, Sirius’ Eagles t-shirt was hanging over the door half hazard, and his pants were nowhere to be found. He heard Remus’ feet, padding across the wooden floors into the room, and then he appeared, in loose blue flannel pyjamas, no shirt, and two mugs in hand. Sirius got a jolt of energy through him, seeing Remus casually half-naked was caffeine enough for him. 

“I’m sorry you’re up,” he sighs as he climbs back into bed. I’m going to cut my day in half as soon as my morning shift manager arrives at eight.” He puts his arm around Sirius, pulling him in.

“Take your time,” Sirius says but what he means is, never leave. Never leave this bed, never leave this moment. Never move forward. Stay. Please stay.

Remus kisses the top of his head and hums, “I fear, that I will not because knowing that you’re here, naked in my bed all alone, is a tragedy, and I hate a tragedy.”

“Shakespear not for you?” Sirius asked looking up at Remus, smiling as Remus lay down to kiss him. Sirius couldn’t think about the fact that in a week he would be back in London, cold and alone, fading into the grey of his day old tea. He wouldn’t think about it, stay in blissful denial, and play pretend with Remus. Everything was perfect.

“Always been more of a sucker for Taylor Swift,” Remus said smiling wide at Sirius, the left side of his mouth quirking up, so it looked like he was biting the inside of his cheek. 

Sirius threw his head back and let out a playful groan, “She’s even more tragic than Shakespeare,” 

He felt Remus shrug, “I do love a sad, beautiful, tragic love affair,”  he started to push Sirius off him to get up but Sirius pulled him back in. This morning couldn’t end yet. “I’ll be back in a few hours, go back to sleep,” 

Sirius did fall back asleep, but not before scrolling on his phone for a half hour. Sirius slowly drifted off into sleep, thinking of Remus, and his family. Thinking of how nice everything was. Trying not to think of Christmas. Evil, evil Christmas coming to ruin it all. It was imminent, Sirius feared, perhaps it was worth it, to know Remus. Before he could dwell on it too much, sleep engulfed him, forcing him to dream of sugar plum fairies, and all things awfully Christmas, and he didn’t even mind.

He wakes up to a warm weight sinking into the bed, engulfing him in small, gentle kisses. Sirius leans into it and lazily hums. An immediate smile wipes across Sirius’ face. Remus’ smell fills the air, and his warm body fits against Sirius’. 

“I missed you,” Remus murmurs into Sirius’ hair. Remus missed Sirius, how delightful. Sirius often found himself being annoyed when people told him that he was missed. Found himself getting annoyed when he felt for someone so strongly as he did for Remus, and so fast too. Sirius was still processing all of these new emotions; there were so many new emotions.

Sirius rolled to face Remus, who was propped up on one arm, looking down at him. His brown eyes creased at the corners, and his crooked smile made a single dimple on the right side, Sirius wanted to reach out and touch it, so he did. He could do things like that, if he wanted to touch Remus he could- but only in private, he reminded himself. Never in front of Teddy. But, if it was just them, it was okay. They could be together, in their little world, and it was okay. Sirius would be okay, as long as they stayed in their own, tiny little world.

He reached out and stroked the side of Remus’ face up and down, tracing a scar that ran down his cheek. He had a few large scars that were scattered around his body. Two on his face, one on his right cheek and one that ran down the side of his left eyebrow onto his nose, then there was one that ran right down his spine, and a third on the inside of his thigh (Sirius paid that one close attention with his tongue to that one last night). Freckles flowed through all of them like stars scattered around a galaxy. The one on his cheek was his current favourite, it was the most subtle, only being able to be seen up close. It was personal. Sirius felt a small triumph, having Sirius be close enough to see it.

“Where did these come from?”  Sirius whispered, continuing to run his finger up and down the patch of skin. 

Remus closed his eyes and leaned into his touch, “Car accident,” he said, “When I was small, still makes my bones stiff sometimes.” 

“They’re beautiful,” Sirius leans over to place a kiss on his cheek, right on his dimple, slowly moving up to his crow's feet, placing gentle kisses along the scar the whole way up. Remus shuttered, laying flat down on the bed and pulling Sirius on top of him. 

“Sirius,” Remus breathed from under him, “Sirius I need you,”

Remus pulled Sirius back down and kissed him hard. If Remus needed Sirius, who was he to refuse?

…

They lay in bed the rest of the day. It was nice and quiet. They talked and kissed and then talked some more. Sirius loved hearing Remus talk. Sirius asked him about produce, which morphed into talking about the market. He told Sirius all the different characters who come in and out. Molly and her heard of redheaded children, Dolores who always criticised Remus for not having “prestigious” enough teas, or Hagrid, the gentle giant who brings his ginormous dog named Fluffy everywhere with him. 

“Who's your favourite customer?” Sirius asks, lying on Remus’ chest, contently listening to the man. 

“Well,” Remus says, drawing on the last syllable, “There was this one customer who came in a little while ago, who was a bit of a dick, but-” Remus took a second to look down at Sirius and run his hand through his hair, “He had a bloody great arse.”

Sirius pushed off Remus, pretending to be mock offended, “All I am to you? Just my amazing ass?”

Remus pulled him back down and kissed him, “You’re so much more,” he whispered into Sirius’ mouth, “And I’m sure you’d love nothing more than for me to drone on and tell you but we do have to leave soon. James is making dinner.”

Sirius frowned, he didn’t want to go. Leaving would make everything real, and Sirius wasn’t quite ready to accept that. He wasn’t prepared to walk into the Potter’s house and not be able to touch Remus because they were just friends anywhere else besides inside this room. Remus would hang from his lips like the Gardens of Babylon, not knowing if it ever existed. 

“It’ll be okay,” Remus reassured when he saw Sirius’ frown. He kissed Sirius’ forehead and Sirius melted back into him. It had to be okay. 

“It's so warm,” Sirius murmured, “We can’t leave ‘cause we’ll be so, so cold.” Remus chuckled and Sirius could feel the deep vibrations coming from his chest. 

“Sirius,” Remus whispered, holding him tighter, “I have to get back to Teddy,”  That was the line. It was drawn and Sirius sighed in defeat. He couldn’t keep the father away from his child. He couldn’t be mad, or sad, or really anything. He was at Remus’ whim, and what that meant was pulling himself together and being his friend, his mate.

“I know,” he started to get up but Remus held him in place.  What did Remus want? They had to leave. He was just making it harder, pulling Sirius down, and wrapping him in his golden duvet. It wasn’t fair.

“I’m not gonna be able to stop thinking about you,” he runs small kisses along the top of Sirius’ head, “Really rather unfair of you. Consuming all of my thoughts.”

Sirius blushed, Remus must have thought the man had a red complexion at the rate he was constantly blushing due to him. It wasn’t much of a problem for Sirius anymore. He embarrassed it. After all, he was rather proud to be consuming all of Remus’ thoughts. It reassured Sirius. They would go to the Potters, and they would be separate, but Remus would be thinking of him. Could that be enough? It would have to be, wouldn’t it?

They slowly untangle and get out of bed, get dressed and head to the Potters. Lily greets them with warmth, as always. James is out, acquiring a Santa costume, Sirius is not allowed to tell the boys- Sirius will avoid all topics of James and Santa with the boys at all costs. Teddy and Harry were thrilled to see the men. Sirius just about jumped out of his skin when Teddy hugged Sirius right after giving Remus one. Sirius gave a shocked look over to Remus, and Remus replied with a silent nod of approval. Remus heads into the kitchen to save dinner, at Lily's request, she was never great at cooking. James was supposed to cook, but the Facebook Marketplace Santa suit took precedence. He had been looking for one for so long.

Lily poured Sirius a glass of wine, and they sat at the kitchen table while Remus cooked. He put on James’ “Kiss the Cook” apron. Sirius would if he could. The boys played with Barbies and toy dinosaurs on the floor. The dinosaurs and the Barbies had a long feud but one Barbie and one dinosaur had fallen in love. It was all very thrilling, putting Shakespear to shame.

“Gonna need you to spill, Sirius,” Lily said looking at him and swirling the wine in her glass. She had a way of staring directly into his soul. Even if he didn’t want to tell her (which he desperately did-he would scream it if he could “I fucked Remus Bloody Lupin!” ) she could get it out of him just with one look. One of the many stunning qualities of Lily Evans- she knew everyone's secrets.

Sirius let out a large sigh, “I’m down bad Lils,” he glanced down at Teddy and Harry, chuckling at Teddy's Barbies monologue that was being given. Sirius could always count on Teddy to entertain him. 

“Well, we all know that,” Lily leaned back in her chair and let out a large sigh, “With the constant eye fucking each other and all.”

Sirius pouted, “I thought I was being subtle,” Sirius Black was never subtle. About anything.

“Sure, sure,” Lily blew him off smiling, “I’m happy for you, Sirius.” She looked over at Remus, and Sirius followed her gaze. He was sauteing something or other, flipping it in the frying pan with the flick of his wrist. He was quite talented at it - the whole cooking thing. He was a bit too tall for the Potters counters, putting a slight hunch in his back as he moved back to the counter space to continue cutting squash. Sirius could watch his hands for hours. The way he held things was so curious. 

Sirius took a sharp breath in, snapping himself away from Remus’ fingers, “Don’t get too happy, there is impending doom,” For all Sirius knew, there was impending doom from the first time he saw Remus in the market, or even further back, the first time Remus picked up one of Sirius’ books. It was bound to happen. 

Lily quirked her eyebrow at him, she didn’t have to say anything, he knew that he had to explain himself, “It's just so complicated,” he stared into the whirlpool he was making with his wine, facing that was easier than facing Lily, “And I’m going back to London in a week, and-” Sirius looked over at Teddy. Sweet, innocent, and quite frankly cheeky little twat, Teddy. Sirius could never hurt him. Because if he did stay, he would somehow find a way to ruin it. Right? He always did. He was always too much, too fast, too soon. Like a shooting star crashing into a planet. He couldn’t come in and disrupt the Lupin's lives. He would just hurt them.  

Lily leans forward and puts a hand on Sirius’ forearm, he looks up and sees her big green eyes, piercing through his soul. Her thinking face is on, her lips are pierced and her eyebrows are slightly furrowed. She sighs, defeated leaning back in her seat once again and looking over to Remus, then back to Sirius, then back to Teddy. She tutted shaking her head.

“Idiots,” she said under her breath shaking her head, “Both of you, idiots,” She said louder this time, “You can’t say you’re never gonna love again, Sirius. Neither of you can.”

“I didn’t say that,” he said in defence, making his voice high. He cleared his throat and slumped down in his chair slightly, “You’re putting words in my mouth, Evans.”

She rolled her eyes and shrugged, “Promise me you won't let this ruin you? Your heart can't handle much more.”

He frowned. She was right, but he would never admit that. He opened his mouth to argue, but before he could, James came barging through the front door, carrying three full Ikea bags up the stairs. This made quite a stir for the kids, running into the other room to see what he had in store. 

“That looks to be a wee bit more than a Santa costume,” Sirius said with a smug smile.

“I have zero comment,” Lily was shaking her head and laughing. They both sat there in silence, listening to James try and get the kids to leave him alone, bartering with them.

In the end, James wins, keeping his secret safe. They all eat dinner soon after. The boys leaving their discarded star-crossed lovers on the floor, Sirius only slightly disappointed he never saw the ending. Remus’ food was delicious, there was no surprise there. Teddy had Remus explain each step to him, asking thousands of questions along the way. The boy wanted to suck up any knowledge he could get. It was admirable.

After dinner, Remus had Teddy help Harry clean up all of their toys as he and Sirius duck out for a cigarette. The cold wind blew through Sirius’ long hair and he wished he had taken the time to put a beanie on. They walk to their normal spot, and Sirius puts the spiff into Remus’ mouth. It's all clockwork now. They know their dance well.

They watch each other. Looking up and down. Sirius focuses’ on his lips wrapped around the cigarette. He hasn't kissed them in so long. How incredibly sad. 

“You're beautiful,” Remus says, pulling Sirius away from his self-pity. 

He takes a step closer and nudges Remus, “And here I was thinking you wanted me for my brilliant mind,” he jokes.

Remus shrugs, “I can have your brilliant mind and your beauty, can't I?” 

“My beauty outweighs my brilliant mind,” Sirius takes a long drag, staring up at the moon in the sky, “Just a romance writer after all.”

“Would you stop dwindling yourself down to just that?” Remus says softly, taking Sirius’ freehand into his, “You have a brilliant mind, Sirius, everyone knows it.”

Sirius moved his gaze back to him and his golden brown eyes that were lit up from the yellow light of the street lamp. He had a stern look on his face. He needed Sirius to hear his words. Sirius swallowed hard and shook his head, “Thank you,” he whispered.

Remus moved his hand to the small of Sirius’ back, pulling him in closer. “You're so beautiful, Sirius. Your face is beautiful, your mind is beautiful, and your words are beautiful. You're beautiful.”

Sirius couldn't help the wide smile plastered across his face or the giddy laugh that escaped hums as Remus attacked him with kisses. At some point, he drops his cigarette, wraps his arms around Remus, and pulls him in close. He is so, so, so warm. Sirius never wants to let him go. 

“When will I see you next?” he asks, stretching his neck to kiss the tall man.

Remus shrugs, “Perhaps tomorrow,” he says casually, “Oooor the next day, or perhaps the next.”

Sirius gives a dramatic groan and tries to pull away but Remus holds him close with his left arm wrapped around him and pulls his right up to his mouth to take a drag. Sirius stares in awe, not knowing how Remus can keep getting more attractive. Sirius keeps his dramatic pout on his face, waiting for Remus to come down and kiss him; relieve him of his misery, which he does. It's long and soft and slow. They aren't in any rush. 

“I'll see you tomorrow,” Remus whispers, rubbing his nose onto Sirius’.

Sirius eventually wanders back into the house, and up to his bed feeling like he was flying. 

Chapter Text

Sirius awoke the next morning to James hopping on top of him and tapping him endlessly to wake him up—he was like a cat who wanted their breakfast. Sirius groaned, pushed him off and pulled the covers over his head, but this just made James more adamant, saying, “Sirius,” every time he poked him. Sirius gives in and sits up with his arms crossed. Sirius Black was not a morning person, but James was.

“Oh good, you’re here with us!” James happily exclaimed, sitting in the middle of the bed with his legs crossed. It felt like they were in school again, the memory making Sirius slightly less grumpy at the early wake-up call. 

“Prongs,” Sirius yawned, “The sun is just beginning to rise,” Sirius hadn't been awake to see the sunrise in years, and that was on purpose. He loved his sleep. 

James made a “psss” noise with his mouth, “I know for a fact you were up at four A.M yesterday when Remus got up for work,”  Sirius frowned harder, he did not know James knew when Remus woke up, or that James assumed Sirius would be sleeping in Remus’ bed. Lily blabbed. 

“You’ll get to go back to sleep,” James assured, “I need a favour, and before I tell you and you immediately say no, just think about how great this year's Christmas has been.” 

Sirius stared, having no idea where he was going with this. His first thought was asking him to move in, but James did that shamelessly once a day, he wouldn’t be getting so worked up about it. James was never one to get worked up, flying through life with his happy-go-lucky attitude and extremely self-assured stature.

“James,” Sirius acted stubbornly, but they both knew he would do anything for James.

“I need you to be Santa for me on Christmas,” James said quickly. 

Sirius laughed hard, then immediately put on a blank face, “No.” That was the silliest question that James had ever asked, and James had asked lots of ridiculous questions.

“Please, please, please,” James begged. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be Santa?” As far as Sirius knew, James was Santa at their Christmas Eve party every year, Sirius didn’t see the need for this to change.

“Well, you see Padfoot,” James pulled Sirius’ comforter over his lap, getting comfy, “Normally, yes, but, last you after the tragic rip of twenty-three, I was out a Santa costume.”

Sirius was trying hard not to laugh, but he wanted to hear the end of James’ story without distracting him, he was prone to distractions, “How could you cope with no Santa costume for a whole year,” Sirius teased.

James lets out a long sigh, “It was hard Padfoot, but I persevered. You can see my excitement when I see an even more glorious Santa suit on Facebook Marketplace: beautiful red velvet, ginormous black belt, soft porcelain white faux fur. Beautiful Padfoor, beautiful!”

A large smile plastered across Sirius’ face, he was not going to laugh, he was not going to laugh even though his wonderful brother was making it very hard for him, “Sounds beautiful Prongsie, but if it's so beautiful, then why can’t you wear it?”

James shook his head, tutting, “I haven’t finished yet,” He took a long sip of his coffee, “When I arrived to pick up the suit, the lovely man showed me this reindeer suit.”

Sirius gasped slightly, now seeing where this was going, James did love deer, “You want me to be Santa, so you can be Rudolph?”

“No, I want you to be Santa so I can be Cupid, duh,” he shook his head at Sirius like he had said something blasphemous.

“Duh,” Sirius slumped into the bed and pulled the blankets tighter around him,  “How could I be so silly? Of course, you think you’re Cupid.”

James put his hand on Sirius’ knee, “It’s okay Padfoot, we all have our moments, you can admit that I’m Cupid.” He moved his eyebrows up and down. Lily must have blabbed to James, Lily loves to blab, especially to James. 

“James,” Sirius sighed.

“I told you I’m an expert matchmaker,” He straightened his back and sat triumphantly. He wanted Sirius to be happy so badly that it might hurt him.

Sirius’ smile faded, “You can’t get your hopes up, you have to promise. We can’t get our hopes up.”

James' smile slowly went down, but not entirely, and he looked Sirius straight in the eye, “I won’t, but I really want to.”

Sirius frowned, “I’ll try?” He wanted to reassure his brother. That's all he wanted with James. He felt so guilty for having him worry all the time. It wasn’t fair to him. 

“I just want you to be happy, my hopes are up that you’ll get your happily ever after. It doesn't have to be with Remus or anyone really. I just want to see the Sirius I love again, and I see him starting to peak out when a certain grocer is calling you out on some contrarian shit over dinner.”

Sirius looked away, his lips slightly quirking upward, “I’ll be your stupid Santa,”

James jumped up to his feet on the bed, doing a small happy dance while nearly stepping on all of Sirius’ bits, “Amazing news!” He plops back down with a plump, making Sirius bounce in the air slightly, “Let's not tell Lily, eh? Be a small prank.”

Sirius saluted to James, smiling wide and feeling accomplished making him happy, “I suppose I can do that.”

James sat there smiling at Sirius, looking proud of both of them, “It’s gonna be good Padfoot, it's gonna be good.” he said standing up. 

Sirius chuckled, “You keep saying that,”

James shrugged, standing over him, “And has it been bad,”

Sirius smiled, slightly giddy, “No, no it has not,”

James pushed his shoulder slightly, “There you go.” Sirius couldn’t argue, “Well, Remus should be here in a few minutes. I’m taking the boys on those inflatable snow tubes that they have at Cairngorm Mountain. We’ll be out all day. Lily has gone with Mary to Mary’s folks, so she’ll also be out.”

Sirius raised his eyebrow, feeling even more giddy, “Remus isn’t going with you?” he tried to sound nonchalant, but James saw right through it. 

“He politely rejected, would you like me to send him up?” James was way too happy about this whole situation.

“Yes,” Sirius said softly. 

“Beautiful!” James said loudly, Sirius winced, it was still too early to be hearing this high of a decibel.

James let Sirius go back to sleep, which he did after a few minutes of laughing at the fact that he was going to be Santa, a very ridiculous thought indeed. Sirius wasn’t too annoyed about it, he needed to spend time with James, he missed him, and if there was a small prank involved, all the more fun. Sirius and James were known for their pranks in school. Even managed to get some twat named Severus convinced he was haunted. It was good fun. 

Sirius drifted off to sleep but was quickly woken up by another weight sinking his bed. This weight happened to come with coffee, soft whispers of “Good Morning, you,” and gentle kisses up his neck. A much more pleasant way of being woken up than whatever James was on. Remus was warm and Sirius eagerly snuggled into his side, thinking this must’ve been the warmest bed he had ever known. 

“Morning,” Sirius said with sleep still in his voice, turning to face the man and kissed him, the taste of his morning tea still lingering on his breath. He was becoming quite accustomed to the comfort of Remus’ mouth, his moustache tickling Sirius’ upper lip and nose, the slight moan Remus lets out ever so often, his quick gasps for breath before diving back into Sirius. 

They each drifted off back to sleep, waking up hours later. Remus dragged Sirius out of bed to make him food. Sirius was always delighted to watch Remus cook, Remus seemed to reciprocate the delight as Sirius talked at him. Sharing tales of James and himself in school, their conversation that morning seemed to have gotten him nostalgic. They continued talking as they ate, moving to the living room and getting cosy on the couch. 

“How did you feel,” Remus asked him while taking a bite of English muffin, “When they told you that they were having Harry.”

Sirius thinks for a moment, trying to figure out where he was in life back then. He had just moved to London, with his then boyfriend. His first bestseller was about to be released. He thought that he was genuinely happy then, looking back, he wasn’t. He was constantly worried that he was going to get broken up with- that he was going to say the wrong thing, accidentally look at the wrong person; it was awful really. He was so stressed about his book not doing well that he would lose nights of sleep over it. He’s always held himself to such a standard. He was convinced that if he wasn’t successful, no one would want him anymore, part of that was thanks to his ex, who told him he wouldn’t be interesting anymore if he was no longer a successful author. It was a thrilling time. 

“Well, at first I was thrilled for them, James always wanted kids, and I couldn’t imagine them with anyone else but with Lily, but,” he took a long breath, “I was also terrified. I wasn’t in that great of a spot in my life. Part of me was that I was gonna mess Harry up in some weird way, the other part was convinced I wasn’t deserving of being his godfather. I’ve always been a bit scared of kids. It was a lot.” 

Remus shook his head, and Sirius could tell by his face that he was thinking. His brow lightly furrowed, and his lips pursed. Sirius wiggled in his seat, taking small bites of the crust left over from his toast, he was never one for the crust, an aspect left from his upbringing- there was never any crust left on bread, especially not toast.

“You’re great with kids, you know.” He put his hand on Sirius’ thigh, his fingers were cold but Sirius was happy to warm them up for him, “Teddy is obsessed with you, always chatting about you when you aren’t around. Loves your tattoos, I have a feeling he’ll be asking me to buy him temporary ones soon.”

Sirius laughed and waved his eyebrows up and down at Remus, “Not the only Lupin boy who likes my tattoos,” 

Remus blushed and looked down, “No, I suppose he isn’t.”

“Did you always want kids?” Sirius asked.

“No,” Remus said point blank, and Sirius wondered if this was too serious of a conversation for the two of them to be having, “But his mom thought she did, and who was I to tell her no? I was so, so in love.”

“Love does that, doesn't it?” Sirius asked, lord knows what he's done for love. 

Remus shrugged, “She decided it was all too much, and one Christmas morning me and Teddy woke up, and she was gone. Left a note saying she couldn’t handle it, found out she was in America a few weeks later.” Sirius studied his face, it was blank. He just stared forward.

Sirius slowly reached for his hand, and Remus let him take it, “Do you regret it?” he asked softly.

Remus shook his head, “Yes and no, it's not black and white. I would have loved her for a lifetime, there was so much happiness because of her, but there is happiness after her. She gave me Teddy, and I am forever grateful for that. I can't make it go away by making her the villain.”

Sirius shook his head, “You're very wise you know that? I hate my ex and I make sure everyone knows that.”

Remus looked over at Sirius, his stone-like expression softening only slightly, “Teddy was so heartbroken, still is. Every year since I've wrapped a single one of his presents to say it was from her. I want him to think she still cares. I can’t put him through anything like that again. He’s my whole world.” 

Sirius shook his head and smiled, squeezing Remus’ hand, not knowing how to pin the emotions he was feeling towards the other man. He wanted to protect Remus, as much as Remus wanted to protect Teddy. He would do anything-be anything Remus needed him to be, he decided. Sirius was a willow and he would bend to Remus’ wind.

“You deserve a happy ending,” Sirius whispered.

Remus shrugged, a fake smile swooping across his face as he turned to Sirius, “Let's just make the best of these last couple of days, yeah?”

Sirius felt like he had just been punched in the stomach, he smiled back, trying to hide his disappointment, “Duh,” He leaned into Remus, pulling his arm tight around him, wishing he could make time stop.

 Sirius’ last expectation for this weekend for sure wasn’t that he would be clasping to a stranger, drunk with his existence. It felt cheesy, and cliche. It felt like they had known each other in every lifetime, fallen for each other, loved each other perhaps. The idea that Christmas was putting in Sirius’ head made him cringe. It was all so fast, and obsessive and all too much like one of those Hallmark movies that Mary loved so much. Sirius’ head told him that he should be embracing Boxing Day, the day he would depart on his drive down the long road to London- but his heart, his silly little heart was telling him that the road not taken looked real good now.

Remus and Teddy went home after James arrived with two very tired children, but that didn’t stop Teddy from hugging Sirius goodbye. Sirius still didn’t know how to feel about that, Remus didn’t seem bothered, quite the opposite. Sirius caught his eye as Remus stared at him and his son, his crooked smile plastered across his face. Sirius gave him a tight nod as the two walked out the door, his gut only slightly jolting, not wanting to see him go. There were too many goodbyes in their future. 

James took Harry up to have a bath and Sirius settled back into the couch, pulling his computer onto his lap, thinking his original idea was starting to sound really stupid. Who wants to read a book about a trash man? Sirius was sure starting not to. He started thinking of new ideas. Always something he struggled with. He used to just write down the conversations he would picture two characters having and something would bloom from there, but the only conversation he could picture two people having right now is him asking Remus to fuck him, and he supposes he probably shouldn’t write a book about that. 

Lily and Mary crashed through the front door, and Sirius smiled, excited to hear about their day, Mary always comes back with stories about her family-they tend to be a little absurd. The two head to the kitchen and Sirius sets his computer aside and steaks his claim in the corner of the couch, expecting wine to be brought to him any minute, and he was correct. Lily sits on the opposite end of the couch than Sirius, and Mary takes the armchair, letting out a large sigh as she slides down and shuts her eyes.

“How was it?” Sirius asked, raising his eyebrow and taking a sip of wine. Mary started shaking her head a chuckling, and soon Lily joined her in laughing. Sirius looked back and forth between them, realising it may be a moment or two before he got an answer, so he settled back in and held his wine close.

“They-” Mary said in between catching her breath, “They accused me and Lily of having a ‘Loustrous Lesbian Affair’.”

“To which I said that sounds like a Taylor Swift song,” Lily added, still laughing.

“My mother did not like that,” Mary said, reaching for a blanket, “Saying how could we insult Taylor and Travis like that, yada yada, and then we had lunch.”

Sirius hummed, “All to be expected.” He recalls one time when Mary called him to tell him that her mother requested he take the word “Curd” out of one of his books because she didn’t like how it sounded, the book had been out for four years.

“How was your day?” Lily asked and Sirius frowned at the question. His day was lovely, it really was. Calm and warm and so sickeningly sweet the way Remus made him feel when he wrapped his arms around him, or when he woke him up with a kiss, or when he prepared him food. It’s all so lovely and not real at all. It's not real at all and Sirius is having an interesting time coping with that.

“It was lovely,” He smiled, “It’s not real, it feels real.”

Sometimes his books felt real. His stories. He dreamed it all up in his head, the conversations and characters, and even talked with them himself sometimes, when he was really trying to find their angle. He knew they weren’t real. Maybe it would be easier if he treated Remus like he was a book. He had compared him to one before, his leather-bound eyes. 

“Just because you’re deciding to leave, doesn’t mean it's not real,” Lily said frowning at him, he felt a small amount of shame.

“Sirius, you are always so serious,” Mary said, Sirius rolled his eyes, cursing the word ‘serious’ for stealing his name, “Just live in the moment, ‘tis the damn season and whatnot.” She flung her almost empty wine glass around as she spoke, key word almost. 

“ ‘Tis the damn season,” Sirius repeated to himself, “I’ve never gotten feelings this fast, I hate constantly thinking about it,”

Mary gives him an animated frown and puts on an emasculating voice, “Oh, you poor baby, with so many things to be melancholy about.”

Sirius pouted, his feelings slightly hurt, Mary had been hanging around Marlene too much, “I’m tired of my dating life always being a constant topic,”

“You’re the one bringing it up dear,” Lily squeezed his foot, Sirius rolled his eyes, wishing Remus was here to have a cigarette with, he almost made the bad habit excusable. 

Before Sirius could say something that would get him in trouble James and Harry enter the room. Sirius opens his arms to Harry and the boy runs straight into his lap, “I’m ‘eepy Padfoo,”

Sirius squeezed his godson and closed his eyes, “Me too kid,” Sirius sighed. It was hard to live in the moment when he was constantly reminding himself that the moment was almost up. 

Chapter Text

 James had designed a full schedule for Christmas Eve, every minute full of enough Christmas cheer to make Sirius want to hurl. Mary, Marlene and Dorcas were there for breakfast as James prepared them for the day. They were all to ensure that every present was under the tree by noon, per James’ orders. Marlene took over Sirius’ bed as she wrapped all of the remaining gifts she had been putting off wrapping. Sirius lay on the floor as he tried to get Marlene to tell him what she got him for Christmas, but he had little luck. 

“If you ask again, you’re not getting anything.” She says and Sirius frowns. They did this every year. She never tells him, and she never will. He can’t help but think that he likes to know things. He would do the same thing with James, but he lets it slip before Sirius can even try to get it out of him. This year he’s getting a leather satchel.

He wonders if his gifts this year will be big or small. He would prefer them to be small, he didn’t want them taking up too much space in his apartment. He had so many things. Half the things he didn’t even like anymore. Maybe he would recruit James to help him declutter. James would be the person helping him pack everything up eventually. But James was also too sentimental. Marlene could help, that is if he could convince her to come to London. She hated London. The last time she came was only because Sirius was having a bit of a mental break. He could foresee that happening again.

“Marls?” He asked, looking up at her. She looked very tall from the bottom of the floor. She wasn’t tall at all.

“Hmm?”

“Will you come to London to help me Maire Kondo my apartment?” He sat up and tried to put on his most appealing face to try and win her over. It didn’t work. She shook her head and laughed.

“No, thank you. I’m okay.” She chuckled, “Why do you need to downsize?”

He shrugged, can't a man just want to declutter, “My apartment is just full of unwanted stuff.” There were some things he liked. He liked his plants - even though they did not like him very much seeing as they kept dying. He also liked his books and didn’t care for his bookshelves though. They were too modern. Everything in there was too modern. Too grey. He liked personality and color and dark wood. He was tired of the greige. All of London felt that way to him now. It used to be so new and exciting. So full of life. It’s all morphed into nothing. These past few days felt like the first time he had seen color in a long time. 

“Have your boyfriend help you,” Marlene said, passing a present belonging to Mary down to add to her pile. That would be a great idea if only he had a boyfriend. If only the tall man of his dreams could exist outside of the perfect, storybook town that he was currently in.

Sirius grunted at Marlene in response. Remus didn’t do anything wrong, he shouldn’t be grumpy about it. That's what Marls would say to him if he let her know what was going on in his head. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want any of them to tell him to stay. Or ask him what he expected to happen. He would grunt and stew. Wait until he could see Remus next. Drink as much of him up as he could. 

“You’re grumpy again,” Marlene frowned, “Stop thinking about London so much. Makes you a sourpuss.” She tossed him another present.

“Well,” Sirius twirled the present in his hands, “What did you get for Harry? Still trying to upstage me? You’ll never win.”

Marlene chucked the next present at him, lucky for Sirius, it was a sweater for James. “I’m not telling.” 

“Boooooo!” Sirius shoved his thumbs down at her. She rolled her eyes, and James soon barged in and scolded them, saying all this booing was not in the Christmas spirit. After all of the presents were securely under the tree it was time for gingerbread houses. They were put into groups by James. Sirius was put with Harry, and he let Harry take the lead on designing seeing that there was no Remus to compete with. 

Sirius hadn’t seen Remus all day. It was fine. Remus had his own life. Sirius just didn’t understand. He was leaving so soon. Didn’t Remus want to soak up that time? Sirius did. Even if it was with the rest of the family. Sirius loved his family. He just wanted to be surrounded by the people who made him happiest, and one of those people happened to be Remus. So, he really didn’t understand, and he’s really trying not to let it bother him.

Dorcas and Marlene had the best house. Marlene had expert building skills, and Dorcas had expert decorating skills. It was a match made in heaven. Sirius was proud of his and Harry’s. It was more of a pile of crumbs and gumdrops than a house. That was okay. Harry was happy with it, and so was Sirius

James put on Elf for them all to watch while Harry took a nap. Sirius watched Dorcas and Marlene snuggle on the chair together. It was nice to see Marlene so at ease with someone-so in love. That wasn't always the case with her. She never let anyone get too close. It was a surprise to everyone when Dorcas started coming around. A happy surprise. 

He felt a ping of jealousy. Not because he wanted to cuddle on the couch with Remus. Not entirely. It had been so long since he had felt at ease with someone like that. Maybe he never had. He had never really dated anyone who he felt proud to bring around his family. In the back of his mind, he knew they were never right for him. He knew what the Potters would know they weren't right for him either. He didn't want their looks of disappointment. He had already given James too many frown lines as it is.

Remus was different. Even though they had only known each other for just over two weeks. Even though they weren't even dating in the first place. He felt different. The whole thing. Sirius knew that if it were real. If it weren't just some scheme Christmas had dreamed up to torture him, he would feel quite proud to bring Remus around his family. Feel comfortable enough to cuddle with him on the couch in front of everyone. Wouldn't that be nice? Sirius could only dream about it. But it would be nice.

There was still no sign or mention of Remus coming. Sirius was starting to worry that he wasn’t coming at all. That would be a shame. He had his big performance as Santa in a few hours and wanted Remus to be there for it. It would make him laugh. Sirius wanted to make Remus smile. He had a beautiful smile.

He wanted to ask James if Remus was coming but didn't see a need for the attention that that question would bring, so he kept his mouth shut, watching the Christmas movie. He thanked God he lived in London instead of New York, which looked even more awful. At least London had some class, and not whatever Times Square had going on. 

James started dinner and had no other movies planned out for them, leaving them to choose a new movie on their own. Mary campaigned hard for a Hallmark movie and eventually won. Sirius was strangely captivated. It was bad, don't get him wrong, but something about it thankfully distracted him from worrying about whether Remus was going to show up or not. And just before the movie was over, and they were finding out if the two leads were going to finally kiss (they obviously were), a small boy crashed through the Potter's front door, carrying a large tote bag full of presents, followed by his father carrying a very large box-shaped present, completely pulling Sirius’ attention from the ending of the movie. 

“Remus, those presents were due under the tree by noon!” James called from the kitchen, “It’s nearly 6!” Remus groaned, placed the present under the tree, and turned to the kitchen to explain his present’s tardiness to James, not paying any attention to Sirius. This, of course, bothered Sirius. He just wanted Remus’ attention.

He pouted and watched as Teddy meticulously placed each present out of the bag and under the tree. They were all wrapped perfectly, some even with bows. Sirius would say that they looked better than Marlenes, but he didn’t feel like getting murdered today, maybe tomorrow. How poetic, to die on Christmas.

“I’m not allowed to tell you where we were.” Teddy said, walking over to where Sirius was lying on the couch, “Or what we were doing.”

“Can you tell me?” Dorcas asks.

“Yes, but not around Sirius,” Teddy says as he climbs onto the couch, pushing Sirius’ legs out of the way so that he has to sit up.

“Why can't I know?” Sirius pouted. He loved to know things, especially when they had to do with Remus Lupin.

Teddy shrugged, “We were hunting for your Christmas present.” 

Sirius’ mouth fell open only slightly, “All day?” They couldn’t have possibly spent all day shopping for him. They had only known each other for two weeks. Should Sirius have gotten Remus something more than the book? He didn’t think so, he felt that the book meant a lot, but that thought would remain in his head until he opened Remus’ gift, or when he got Teddy to tell him what it was.

“Da said it had to be perfect, we went to lots of shops looking,” Teddy said, reaching for the remote off the coffee table. 

“Da also said to not say a peep to Sirius,” Remus said, exiting the kitchen. He leaned over the back of the couch to rustle the hair on both of their heads. Sirius leaned back to look at him. Remus smiled down at him. He had a crooked smile that made it look like he was biting the inside of his cheek, maybe he was. That smile would be engraved inside of Sirius’ mind for the rest of his life. It might even kill him if he wasn’t being careful. Sirius wasn’t being careful. 

“Hi,” Remus whispered to him. 

“Hi,” Sirius whispered back, knowing an embarrassingly dorky smile was spreading across his face. He felt like a teenager the way the butterflies were flying in his stomach. 

“Sorry it took us so long to get here, it had to be perfect.” He kept his hand on the back of Sirius’ head and started to gently scratch his scalp and pull his hair ever so slightly.. Sirius wanted to kiss him. Sirius never wanted anything other than to kiss him.

“He was being very pedantic,” Teddy said, “I was a little annoyed.” 

Sirius laughed, “I find it hard to believe you’re six when you know words like ‘pedantic’”

Teddy shrugged, unphased, “I like to know new words.”

 Remus walked around the couch and pushed his way in between the both of them. Teddy had chosen to watch Polar Express. The movie creeped him out to no end, and normally Sirius would protest but he would honestly say yes to anything that Teddy asked. He would say yes to anything either of the Lupins asked. He was theirs. So that meant watched a creepy movie about … hot chocolate? He didn't remember what it was about, and he wasn't about to find out. Remus still managed to have his hand tangled in Sirius’ hair. How could Sirius concentrate when Remus’ hand was in his hair?

The movie was cut short by dinner, which Sirius did his best to prolong because after dinner meant that it was time for Santa to arrive. Sirius figured Santa could run a little late that night, with him being so busy and all, it's bound for him to be late every once in a while. 

Unfortunately for Sirius, dinner did have to come to an end at some point. James said calming words of affirmation while he shoved pillows up Sirius’ shirt to make his belly look like it was full of jelly. Sirius swore that it was the most ridiculous he had ever looked, and he used to not have a curl routine. Those were dark times.

James’ outfit being twice as ridiculous made Sirius feel a little better. It was barely a reindeer costume. It contained a brown, puffy vest that took James a lot of convincing not to wear it without a shirt underneath. Sirius promised him that Lily would appreciate it more if she was the only one who saw him without a shirt underneath later in the night. The pants were foe leather and tight, they did make his bum look good and James would not shut up about it. The headpiece was the least insane part of the outfit, seeing as it was just antlers. Antlers that almost looked real. Sirius worried that they were real. He couldn’t think about it too much. The finishing touch was a scarf with jingle bells attached and two coconut halves that James could bang together to make it sound like hooves.

James was immensely pleased with how the outfits turned out, and Sirius wasn’t half mad either. It was the most “Padfoot and Prongs” thing they had done in a while. He missed doing silly things with James. He was excited to make James happy, the two kids, and maybe even Remus (if Remus was into that sort of thing). He didn’t have a script, and when he asked James what to say, James just told him to act natural. Nothing about having pillows stuffed around his body was natural, but he would do his best. 

“Ho, ho, ho,” He bellowed as he followed James down the staircase, his coconuts clacking as he stepped, “Merry Christmas!”

He could hear the children squeal louder and louder as he descended. When he finally arrived in the living room, the children ran laps around the two of them. Sirius scanned the faces of all the adults sitting on the couches. Marlene, Dorcas and Mary immediately started cracking up. Lily was trying to keep a straight face but failing miserably, and Remus had a smug smile on his face, not taking his eyes off Sirius. 

“Santa, why does your reindeer look like my dad?” Harry asked, eyeing James with a confused look on his face.

“Because-” Sirius took a moment to think. He was never good at improvising, “The better question is: Why does your dad look like my reindeer?” 

Sirius caught Remus’ eye and winked. Sirius’ performance through the rest of the show was choppy. He was nowhere as good as James was. James ended up taking over most of the talking when the sack came out. Sirius couldn't keep a straight face when talking about his sack. At the end of it, the kids were happy, James was happy, and Sirius’ Christmas-hating ego was only slightly bruised. A win for everyone.

“Da, where are you going?” Sirius heard Teddy ask as he retreated up the stairs.

“I’ll be right back,” Remus said. Sirius could hear him coming up behind him. He was taking the steps two at a time and soon was right behind Sirius. They were stuck behind James, who claimed he wasn’t going fast because of his short legs, Sirius was sure it was because he loved to be a prat, but who's to say? 

Remus followed Sirius straight to his room, closing and locking the door behind him. His hands were on Sirius immediately, quickly unhooking the fake beard behind his ears and throwing it off into the abyss. His lips came crashing into Sirius’, and he accepted them gratefully. He had missed those chapped lips, it had been so long, too long, since they were last against his own. 

Remus’ lips were busy, but his hands were busier. Undoing the comically large belt buckle, then stripping Sirius of the jacket entirely. He felt the cold air on his arms, not knowing if the goosebumps that came after were from that or Remus moving his attention away from his lips to his neck, then down, and down, and down.

“Have a thing for Santa?” Sirius asks after all is said and done. Remus rummages around the room to find Sirius the pair of pajama pants he has requested, even knowing James will make him put on the matching pair that the whole family has just received as soon as he gets back down there.

“No,” Remus says calmly as he chucks the plaid pants at Sirius’ face, “I have a thing for you,”

Sirius’ mouth fell open as he stared at Remus. He might have even been drooling, he didn't think he would ever drool over a person, but here we are, drooling. Remus had started folding the clothes that Sirius had strewn around the room. He hadn't bothered to pack yet. He hated packing, and he knew this year would be even harder. Usually, James helped. He made it more fun. Sirius would recruit him again this year, the next day after all the presents were opened. Why pack when you're just gonna have to rearrange everything? Why pack when all you need is right here in front of you? 

Chapter Text

Christmas morning was a blur. They told the boys Remus was sleeping on Sirius’ floor the night before. If Sirius’ floor was his bed then that would be true. The boys ran in to wake them up around 6:30, not seeming to care that they were in the same bed, tangled in each other's arms. It gave Sirius quite the rush, but Remus seemed to know that Teddy would pay no attention to them. He had one thing at the top of his mind: presents. 

Sirius however, couldn’t care less about the presents at the moment. Remus was in his bed, and for all he knew, it was the last time. The last time he could bury himself into Remus, hear his soft snores, and tangle his hand into Remus’ mousy hair. It was so warm. For all Sirius knew, he would be cold for the rest of his life. It might sound a little dramatic, but this is the warmest bed he had ever known. He briefly thought about chaining himself to the bedpost in protest, but he assumed Remus probably wouldn’t be too keen on that idea.

“Let's stay a few more minutes,” Remus murmured, pulling Sirius in tighter, “They’ll come get us again if they really want to.”

Sirius liked that idea much better than his own. Five more minutes. He would do his best to soak up every last drop of those five minutes. Remus’ arms around him. Sirius was the little spoon. Sirius loved being the little spoon, especially with Remus so much bigger than him. He stared at Remus’ arms. His long long arms. His field of blonde hair blew as Sirius breathed in and out. He had some small scars peppered across, along with a whole galaxy of freckles. Sirius wanted the time to map every single one of Remus’ freckles out. There were so many. Remus’ breath tickles the back of Sirius’ neck. 

Sirius wondered what Remus was thinking. He knew that they were both awake. Was this just a normal Christmas morning to him? It felt like so much more. Sirius had to stop thinking about it. He wanted to be present. He wanted to remember everything. He wanted to remember Harry as small and happy. He didn’t want to be a grump all day, dwelling on this ache that was put in him by Remus, by this town, by Christmas. So, he couldn’t wonder what Remus was thinking, because he couldn’t think. He couldn’t think today, or when he got back to London because that would just make him sad. Maybe he couldn’t think ever again. That would have to do. 

“Daaaaaaaaa!”

“Padfoooooooo!” 

Harry and Teddy reentered the room. Insisting on not leaving until the two men were out of bed and sat around the Christmas tree. The air was freezing. Sirius tried not to let it get to him. He hated the cold. Everyone was already gathered around the tree. Marlene, who was arguably less of a morning person than Sirius was, lay asleep on Dorcas’ shoulders. Her eyes angrily shot open when Sirius plopped down next to her. She grunted and kicked his ankle. Sirius laughed, he knew she would be wide awake as soon as presents started being handed out. 

Stockings were first. Mary did them for everyone every year. They were usually filled with the basics, candy, little gag toys to keep everyone entertained throughout the day, and socks. Lots and lots of socks. Mary loved socks. The kids moved on to the presents pretty quickly. Teddy took it upon himself to sort and pass out everyone's presents. Sirius got one from Mary, one from Marlene and Dorcas, two from just Marlene, two from Lily and three from James. It was all the stuff he had expected. The satchel from James that Sirius knew about, a leather cleaning kit from Marls for his boots, things like that. Sirius loved all his gifts and was glad they got him practical things, not clutter. He has been feeling very strongly about clutter recently.

Harry was thrilled with all of his new football gear. However, Marlene had gotten him a toy sword, which he happened to be even more thrilled with. Marlene won this year, but mark Sirius’ words, next year he would perceive. She may have won the battle, but she will not win the war. 

Teddy was absolutely thrilled to have his sewing kit, and so was Remus, “I’ve never thought of that, I always thought a big one would be too much.”

“Oh, same,” Sirius replied, trying to act like he almost didn’t get Teddy a three-houndred pound sewing machine, “Thought this could keep him happy until he’s ready for a big one.”

Remus takes Sirius’ hand into his own and squeezes it tightly, “Thank you,” he said while smiling. It wasn’t his normal smile. He wasn’t biting the inside of his cheek. There was something more. He held onto his hand and stared into his eyes. His crow's feet making themselves known. He could get lost in these eyes for a lifetime. His watery blue, on deep, woody brown. Ships on water. 

Teddy snaps both of them out of their trance by pushing the large present that Remus was carrying the previous day. Sirius assumed it was for Teddy, but then the boy pushed it all the way in front of Sirius. Teddy stared at him with his big, Lupin eyes, not saying anything. Sirius looks over at Remus, and he just gestures to the gift.

“For me?” Sirius asks, surprised that the Lupins would get him something that big. He had no idea what it was.

“Teddys really nervous about it,” Remus said. Sirius looked over at Teddy who was still staring, and now slowly nodding, agreeing with his father. 

Sirius pulls the ribbon and lifts the lid which reveals a beautiful black typewriter. He lifts it out of the box and sets it on the coffee table in front of him. Sirius didn’t know anything about typewriters, but he knew he liked to press the buttons. There was already a piece of paper in the bottom of the box, and Remus showed Sirius how to load it into the machine. Remus was a great teacher. Sirius thought back to when he was teaching him how to cook, or better yet when he was teaching him to pick out produce. He loved being taught by Remus. 

Once the paper was in Sirius typed the only appropriate words that came to mind: “The Wolf’s Grocer”. The holy ground of produce, and all things Remus. He never thought that a grocery store would make such a mark on him. Haunted by a grocer. Haunted by the look in Remus’ eyes when Sirius looks back at him with pure delight. 

“Thought that it may help with your writer's block,” Remus said, “It’s good to not take things so seriously.”

“Thank you,” Sirius said, he knew everyone in the room was staring at them but it felt like it was just him and Remus, “I love it.”

Remus laughed, his laugh was so deep, “I wanted it to work and be in good condition. You’d be surprised at how many stores we had to go to.”

“So many stores!” Teddy exclaimed, flopping onto the ground. 

Sirius laughed, “Hey Ted, do you mind grabbing my the present in the corner?” He pointed to the last present under the tree, the one that he wrapped himself. Might as well be the only present he would wrap again. Sirius Black wasn’t known for wrapping presents. 

Teddy handed Sirius the gift, Sirius looked at it, spun it around in his fingers and handed it to Remus, who looked rather surprised, “For me?”

Sirius nodded, “For you from me,” 

“Your wrapping job is awful,” Remus said, his crooked smile spreading across his face.

Marlene scoffed behind him, Sirius looked over at her, she was reaching for the present from Remus before he opened it, “You wrapped it!” She exclaimed, examining it, and then passing it over to James.

“Remus lad, you’ve done it!” James exclaimed, “I’ve tried to get Sirius to wrap a present for years, and you come in and do it within two weeks.”

“You’re a wizard,” Marlene said, “I should take a picture, who knows if this will ever happen again.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, trying to snatch the present back, and he did, but before he could hand it to Remus, Marlene made him pose for a picture with it. This is why bags were just so much easier. Sirius handed it to Remus, and Remus meticulously undid the wrapping paper, making sure not to rip it. He knew that it would drive Sirius nuts, “Just rip it, please just rip it,”

“I’m okay,” Remus said. Eventually, after dragging it out as long as he could, he revealed the book that lay under the paper. At first ,he looked confused, not knowing why Sirius would get him a ratty old book that he had never heard of called, The Black Dog, but then he saw Sirius’ name and his eyes lit up. He immediately started flipping the pages, eager to see what lay within them. 

“It was my first ever book,” Sirius explains, “We published it ourselves, only printed what-” He looked over to James for help, not remembering the answer.

“Two hundred copies,” James helped, “We sold copies at the uni football games. Sirius had a small fan club of people who were in love with him. They almost sold it out but I kept a few copies. Glad I did.”

Remus stares at it, reading the synopsis. Sirius noticed that every time he saw Remus reading, he would hold the book close to his face, and mouth the words to himself. He needed glasses but hated to admit that it was due to ageing, he was telling Sirius this the other day.  

“For not knowing how to cook, you sure do write a lot of books about chefs,” Remus looks at him and laughs. 

Sirius shrugs, “Maybe I was manifesting a beautiful man who knew how to cook a delicious meal.” 

Sirius can see Remus blush. This is the first time, as far as Sirius knows, that he has made Remus blush. What a glorious thing. The red flush encapsulated his cheeks. He looks away, shielding his face. Sirius reaches over grabs his hand and squeezes it.  He looks over to see Teddy staring at the two of them. Sirius reaches out and rustles his hair. He lets out a loud laugh and ducks to shield his head. Remus squeezed Sirius’ hand back. For a moment, everything was perfect, everyone was happy, and Sirius was only thinking about the people in this room. Nothing else was real, but for a moment, this was.

James made Remus put the book in the car so he wouldn’t be tempted to read it. James wanted everyone present, not distracted by books, or typewriters, or anything of the sort. Mary broke out her new tarot deck, everyone gathered around her while Remus and James went into the kitchen to cook breakfast for everyone. They would eat breakfast, then Harry would want to try out his new football equipment, so Harry, James and Sirius would go outside to play, inside they would watch a movie while Teddy and his dad set up his new rock polisher. By midday, Remus and Teddy went back to their house to drop off all of the presents, but Remus promised Sirius that he would be back in no time. It was time for Harry's nap, and the adults took that as their nap time as well. Sirius laid claim to the couch, he was particularly partial to couch naps. 

When Remus and Teddy arrived back, Harry was up and ready to wreak havoc with his brand new sword. Luckily, he had granted Sirius and Remus immunity. Remus lifted Sirius’ head and sat under it, spreading his fingers across his scalp. They watched Teddy and Harry take turns with the sword as they tried and break into the fort that Lily and Mary had made with blankets and pillows. James somehow got taken hostage by the boys and was forced to sit on the floor in front of Remus and Sirius. It was all good fun. 

For dinner, Marlene and Dorcas cooked everyone a sausage roll in the shape of a wreath, it was beautiful. Dorcas was known for her baking. Marlene had been trying to get them to go onto The Great British Bake Off for as long as they had been dating. Sirius sat in the same seat that he had been sitting in for years, Remus sat next to him. Every once in awhile their feet would quickly brush against each other, or their knees would bump. Sirius was never a touchy person, but he wanted to constantly be touching Remus. He wanted to soak everything he could up because in twelve hours, he would be waking up, bright and early, and making his drive back to the cold, dark city. 

After dinner, they all wandered back to the living room, Lily put a video of a Yule log on the TV. Remus once again sat next to Sirius, their legs touched and Sirius could only focus on how warm that part of his body was now. He started thinking about how nice it would be to always be this warm, this content. He wondered if Remus was thinking the same thing. If Remus had the same ache that Sirius had. The ache in him that was put there by the ache in Sirius. 

The kids started crashing soon after, and before they knew it, Harry was passed out on his mother's lap, and Teddy was starting to follow suit. Sirius knew what this meant. Part of him wanted to wake everyone up and distract them, he would even do a silly dance if he had to, but he knew not to. He knew that it was over. The time had come. Sirius had been dreading it ever since the Christmas market, or perhaps further back to ice skating, or the poo incident, or even the first time he stepped into the market and heard Remus so beautifully curse under his breath. He had been dreading it for so, so long. 

Remus looked at him with a tight smile, and squeezed his leg, “Teddy, start getting your things.”

“Okay Da,” Teddy says lazily getting up, “I gotta go to the toilet first.

Remus stood up next, and Sirius followed suit, “Meet me out at the truck after, okay?”

Teddy shook his head and disappeared to the upstairs bathroom. Remus quickly said goodnight to everyone and headed out to the car, Sirius silently followed him. There was a pit in his stomach. He didn’t know how to make it go away. The snow was coming down hard. Sirius was not dressed for a blizzard, and he hoped that the warmth generated from Remus would be enough. 

Remus stopped behind the bush and Sirius pulled out a cigarette and popped it into Remus’ mouth. Staring at the soft freckles on his face one last time as he lit the spiff for Remus. He didn’t light one for himself. He would borrow from Remus. 

It was quite out. Only the noise from the occasional car passing by. Sirius didn’t like it. He wanted to hear Remus’ deep, beautiful, heavily Scottish voice one last time. He didn’t know what to say. He was never good at goodbyes. They always hurt. Especially one like this. One filled with impending doom. 

“Remus,” Sirius said, he just wanted to hear his voice.

“Kiss me,” Remus replied, and Sirius obeyed. 

It was rough and fast and wet and sloppy. There was so much to be said. So much to be said and so little time. Before Sirius could object, Remus pulled away and put his forehead against Sirius’. He wanted his lips back against his. He wanted all of him, all of the time. He never wanted to leave him. Sirius knew this, he had known this for a few days now. He was just so afraid to admit it. He was so afraid until some unfathomable force of bravery caused him to speak, “Tell me to stay,” He didn’t realize what he was saying until the words had escaped his mouth.

“Sirius,” Remus had started, but Sirius cut him off.

“Tell me to stay, and I’ll stay.” He doubled down. 

“Sirius, I can’t do that. You have to be one to make that decision.” He said, slowly backing away and Sirius could gradually detect the cold world engulfing him. 

“Remus,” Sirius whispers, begging.

“Sirius I can’t. You know I can’t. Everyone is begging you to stay. Everybody wants you. Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you, and have you here. I don’t like a gold rush. I don’t like anticipating my face in a red flush. I don’t like that anyone would die to feel your touch. It’s all too much. It’s could never have been this serious.”

“I know,” Sirius looked down at the ground. He’s fallen, fallen so hard that his bones felt broken, nearly missing his heart.

“I want to,” Remus said, “But it’s all too much. It’s gonna haunt me. You’re eyes. My eyes. Like sinking ships on water. It’s all gonna haunt me.”

“I know,” Sirius looked up and sheepishly smiles. He heard the front door open and Teddy’s tiny footsteps in the snow. Sirius quickly wiped any tears in his eyes and kneels to say goodbye to the boy.

“When will you be back?” Teddy asks, hugging Sirius. 

Sirius holds onto the boy tight. “Soon,” he whispers.

“I’ll miss you,”

… 

He immediately goes up to the shower when he gts inside and lets the warm water wash over his cold body. Having a last kiss in a blizzard was probably not the best choice. He was still in shock. The feeling of chapped lips lingered on his.   That's all that he could think about. It was a happy memory. He needed a happy memory to hold onto. He’s afraid he wouldn’t be able to hold it together if he didn’t have something to hold onto. 

“Sirius!” the bathroom door opened and James barged in, “I don’t care that you’re in the shower. I have something to say, and you’re going to let me!” His voice sounded nervous, and he was pacing back and forth.

A pit dropped in his stomach as he set his facecloth down. He stayed silent, leaving room for James to speak. The last time he heard James sound this stressed was when he found out Lily was pregnant with Harry. James was terrified to be a father, but he turned out pretty good.

“You’re a ghost, Sirius,” James began with a deep breath.

“I am not a ghost,” Sirius began to argue but James continued over him.

“You are, I know it and you know it. You need to stop lying to yourself. You’re not the man I grew up with. You’re a shell of him, and I miss him.”

“Prongs,” Sirius said under his breath, pleading. 

“You can’t let that loser who dumped you years ago hold you back from having fun, and you can’t let that even bigger loser who brought you into this world keep you from believing that you are worth the love.” James was a very nice person when he called someone a loser, it was his equivalent of calling them the scum of the earth, “They’re your past, ghosts of Christmas past, if you will.”

“James do not turn this speech about my life into a Christmas fairytale,” Sirius said, minorly offended, even though he assumed he had no room to be offended right now.

“Oh I will Sirius,” he never called him Sirius, “Because you let them destroy you, and turn you into the ghost of Christmas present. A shell of the lovely man that I once knew. But I saw that man. I saw him the past couple of weeks. His name is Sirius Black. Sirius Black likes to fight with his best friend Marlene. Sirius Black hates the cold, but he loves hot whiskey to warm him up. Sirius Black spoils his godson. Sirius Black is competitive. Sirius Black is stubborn. Sirius Black is an asshole, but we still love him. We love him so much, and we were so glad to have him back. But now, he’s going, again. Your ghost of Christmas present could be this. It could be you, Sirius. You could be happy again. You’re not alone. You have me, Lily, and Harry. You have Marls. You have Remus .”

“It wasn’t serious for Remus,” Sirius says, trying to ignore the tears burning at the corners of his eyes. It wasn’t serious for Remus. Remus has Teddy. Remus said it wasn’t serious. Remus was protecting Teddy. Remus said it wasn’t serious. Remus told him to leave. He wanted him to leave. That’s all that could repeat through Sirius’ head, Remus said it wasn’t serious. Remus said it wasn’t serious. Remus said it wasn’t serious.  Remus wanted him to go back to London. 

“Tell that to the crying man that Lily is on the phone with right now. It was serious. And he deserves to be happy too, and he needs to realise that, just like you need to realize that you are loved, Sirius. By all of us. You are loved and you belong. It’s not the same without you.”

“James,” Sirius was crying.

Chapter Text

Sirius takes a deep breath. He stands in front of the Potters door, building up the courage to knock on the door. He told James that he wouldn’t be there for another week. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision, to come home for Christmas a week early, to completely pack up his London apartment and decide to move in with the Potters without consulting them first. He knows that he’s always welcome at the Potters, and when he tells James and Lily that he plans to stay, they will be over the moon. He’s not worried about it. What he is worried about is the attention that everything will bring. He doesn’t want everyone to make a big deal about it, and he knows they will. 

He closes his eyes tight and knocks three times. He could hear a commotion from inside, James telling Harry to sit back down at the table. He opens the door and stares at Sirius, taking a second to process that he is actually there, willfully volunteering to arrive early on Christmas. Who would have thought?

James quickly envelopes Sirius in a hug, squeezing him tight. Sirius accepts is gratefully. It had been a month and a half since he had last seen The Potters. The three of them came down to London for Sirius’ birthday in November. Before that Sirius had visited them for a week in August (that week happened to coincide when the Lupins were on vacation in Spain, but that wasn’t important). Earlier than that Sirius, Marlene and Dorcas all went on vacation to Venice in the spring, and prior to that in Febuary James had somehow convinced Sirius to go on a ski trip with him, Lily, Harry and Mary. The Potters had no shortage of Sirius that year, but it’s still good to see them. He missed them so much. 

James ushers Sirius inside and takes his coat, “What are you doing here?” James asks, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m bloody thrilled to see you, but it’s unexpected.”

Sirius shrugs, “I had some press stuff clear up, so I thought I’d come home early.” Sirius doesn’t know when to tell James that he plans on staying, but he figures that now is not the time. He doesn’t want to get him too excited.

James hugs him again, “You should know,” he holds him at arms reach, “We’re all at dinner right now.”

Sirius smiles, he hadn’t eaten since he had stoped to fill up his car at around one that afternoon, “Great! I’m starving,” he goes to head to the dining room but James stops him, “No, I mean we are all at dinner. Meaning the Lupins are also here.”

Sirius opens his mouth, understanding. He has successfully managed to avoid Remus since he last saw him a year ago on Christmas. He knew that he was going to eventually see him. He’s the Potters best friend. He celebrates Christmas with them. Harry is obsessed with their son. But did it have to be this fast? He talked to James yesterday and he didn’t mention having the Lupins over for dinner, but then again, Sirius is pretty sure that James avoids mentioning Remus at all costs. It’ll be okay. Sirius can manage. He barely thinks about Remus; at least he tries to barely think about Remus. Whether he is successful or not is up for debate.

Sirius shakes his head and opens his mouth to say it's okay but before he can, Lily enters the entryway where they are standing, “James is everything oka- Sirius!” She hugs him as soon as she sees him, “Is everything okay? What are you doing here?”

Sirius laughs and shakes her off, “I just wanted to come early, I missed everyone.”

Lily smiles, “And everyone missed you, come on, I’ll grab you a plate.”

They walk into the dining room and everyone immediately turns to look at them, both children getting up and running laps around him. Sirius scoops up Harry and spins him around. He’s getting so big that Sirius isn’t going to be able to do that for much longer so he’s going to try and enjoy it while it lasts. Marlene throws a bread roll at him, which he catches without missing a beat. Teddy reaches up to hug him and Sirius pulls him in. 

“My, my Teddy you are a good foot taller than when I last saw you, and that hair! It’s blue!” Sirius exclaims taking in the boy. He missed him. He was still an exact clone of his father.

“Do you like it?” Teddy asks, waving his head around to show off his new teal color. 

“I do! Very fashionable,” Sirius smiles, getting deja vu from the first time he met Teddy a year ago, complimenting his Christmas sweater.

“I missed you! You’ve been away for so long. I have to show you all of the things I’ve sewn. Da, we have to go home so I can get all of the things I’ve sewn.” 

“Teddy,” Remus says, and Sirius takes a large gulp.

“Go sit down and eat your dinner kid,” Sirius shoos him back to his seat and then attempts to sit down in his spot, which is occupied by the man he has been purposefully not paying any mind to. Annoying. Remus knew that that was his seat. They’ve been over this. Last year Sirius gave Remus mountains of shit for sitting in his seat after he tried to do it for a second time. 

Sirius takes a deep breath. It’s fine. They didn’t know he was coming. It’s fine. He pulls out the seat next to Remus and sits down, not looking at him. Sirius has no ill will towards Remus. He just wasn’t ready to face him yet. He still needs time. He knows they would eventually need to talk, to explore whatever it was that they had going on last Christmas. He just wasn’t ready yet. 

“What do we owe the pleasure?” Dorcas asks, passing him the salad. Sirius feels awkward, having everyone stare at him. He can feel Remus’ eyes on him. He wants to look. He wants to look so badly. Does he look the same? Has he aged? Has his crooked nose magically straightened out? God, he hoped not. He loved that crooked nose.

Sirius smiles at Dorcas, wondering if anyone notices that he’s having an internal crisis about what the man next to him looks like. He didn’t think that it would affect him this much. It had been a year, and Sirius had been so busy in that year. He underestimated the effect that Remus Lupin's gaze has on people. Has on him.

“I missed everyone,” he remains smiling, hoping he doesn’t look creepy, “I had some things clear up so I figured I’d just come early.”

“What’s the announcement tomorrow?” Mary asks, Sirius cocks his head in confusion, trying to figure out what she was talking about, “You know, on your Instagram. You made a post with a picture of your typewriter, saying ‘Big Announcement Tomorrow!’ it was quite dramatic.”

“Ohhhhhh,” It clicks for Sirius, forgetting his publicist was taking over his Instagram for the next month until the book was released, “Book announcement,” he continued eating, praising himself for his timing, Remus just about chocked on his water. 

“You forgot you were releasing a book tomorrow?” Marlene asks, raising her eyebrow at him.

Sirius sticks his tongue out at her, “Announcing,” He corrects, “And you knew that Marls, I told you weeks ago.” The only people who knew were Marlene (and probably Dorcas), James, and Lily. He was trying to keep it under wraps. He started writing it almost immediately after he had gotten back to London last Christmas. He was finished with it by late February, and after that, it was a blur. Meetings with his publisher, editing, and rewrites and finding a cover artist. The cover art was always important to Sirius. He hated it when it was just a generic drawing of the two leads. He wanted it to encapsulate the beauty behind the story. They ended up with an oil painting of the aristocratic mansion that the novel took place in, with two small ghosts that looked like they had white bedsheets draped over their heads. The whole thing was bordered with a beautiful gold picture frame. Sirius was quite proud of it.

The novel helped him in many ways. It helped him take his mind off of Remus, which lord he needed to do. It also helped him come to terms with his past and let him figure out that he is no longer the person he once was, and that’s okay, but that it’s not okay to hold himself back because of his past. It was all very therapeutic, and he’s grateful for it. It’s his newest pride and joy. 

“Can I read your book?” Teddy asks, bouncing up and down in his seat. The boy sure does have a lot of energy, perhaps more than he remembered,

Sirius chuckles at him, “In about eleven years you can,” 

Teddy pouts, “I’ll be eighteen then,” 

“Exactly,” His father says to him, “Now stop pouting, or you’ll end up looking like him,”

Sirius starts to pout, then catches himself. He could not let Remus be right. He noticed that Remus didn’t say his name. He missed having Remus say his name. It just rolled off of Remus’ tongue so nicely. His voice was still the same, that was comforting. Sirius dare not look at him, or argue back. That's what Remus wanted. He loved poking fun at Sirius over dinner. Calling him out on his contrarian bullshit. It was nice that that hadn’t changed.

When dinner finished, Sirius immediately got up to help with the dishes. Harry was tired and throwing a small fit about taking a bath, so his parents were occupied. He figured this was the best way of helping out. Plus, this keeps Marlene from cornering and interrogating him. He was tired from his drive, she could interrogate him tomorrow. 

He never minded doing the dishes. They were the first normal thing James had taught him how to do after leaving his parents. You’d be surprised at how little you actually know how to do when you grow up with a silver spoon shoved down your throat. He didn’t know how to do dishes, or laundry, sweep, and especially not cook. He never really picked that last one up, but the rest he did. He prides himself on being as self-sufficient as he is, and it all started with dishes.

He hears someone walk up behind him, stopping in the doorway to the kitchen. Sirius listens trying to figure out who it is. He has two options: Marlene or Remus. If it was Marlene, he could handle it. He knew what she was going to say. He knows how to answer her questions - dodge them if he has to. He had been doing it for years. But Remus, he had no idea what Remus would say-or do. He had no idea where they stood. He supposes that that is what was so terrifying about seeing Remus again. He has no idea where they stand, or what Remus is thinking, or anything really. Remus is still a complete mystery. Sirius is jumping to conclusions, it can still be Marlene, but he doesn’t know for sure.

“Sirius,” a deep Scottish voice growled from behind him. Sirius freezes, dropping the sponge into the sink, and leaving the water running. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s scared that if he moves, the man behind him will run away, back into his imagination. Because for a whole year, Sirius had half convinced himself that he made him up. That the only man that was able to send shivers down Sirius’ back just by saying his name, was only a figment of his imagination. He was convinced that no man with such perfect wrists, and such a beautiful love for books and produce and his wonderful son couldn't be real. How can he be real?

Sirius stays frozen, waiting for Remus to make the next move. Still scared to even look at his face. Sirius leans his arms against the counter and stares at the sink. He can feel him staring. He wonders what Remus wants to say to him. If only he could find the courage to turn around, he might find out.

“Da, can we go home?” A small voice asks.

“Come on,” The deep voice says to his son, and Sirius hears them both retreat. He stays staring at the sink, letting himself zone out to the white noise of the flowing water. 

He’s had so much time to think over the past year. He’s run through what he would say to Remus over and over again in his head, and yet, when the moment comes, he can't face it. He wonders how often Remus thinkse about him. If he thought about what he would say to Sirius when he saw him again. 

“Alright, Padfoot?” James asks, putting a hand on Sirius’ shoulder and absolutely scaring the living shit out of him. Sirius jumps in the air and just barely sticks the landing.

“Prongs!” Sirius yelps, taking James’ hand to steady him.

James laughs, “Sorry, thought you heard me.”

“I didn’t,” Sirius turns the water off in the sink and goes to pour himself a glass of wine, he hadn't had any all night.

“You okay?” James raises an eyebrow at him and takes his spot at the sink.

Sirius sighs, “Don't suppose I prepared myself enough” he plops down at the kitchen table. James doesn't say anything. Sirius knows that he's waiting for him to finish the sentence. Sirius doesn't want to, but he does, “To see Remus again.”

James silently chuckles to himself, “Ah yes, our best friend that you happen to have a situationship with, how shocking he was here.” he deadpanned.

Sirius groans and throws his face into his hands, “Weirdest situationship of my life,”

“I don't suppose you're over it then?” Lily asks from the kitchen doorway. 

James laughs and kisses his wife as she pushes him away from the sink so she can finish the dishes. That was the deal, James cooked and she did the dishes, but that doesn't mean that James never tries to do them for her. He would do anything for her.

“He was never over it,” James says sitting next to Sirius at the table.

“Never will be I suppose,” Sirius sighs in defeat. 

“I mean you did write a whole book about him.” Marlene sits down next to him and steals his glass of wine out of his hand.

“Marly,” Dorcas reaches and playfully slaps her arm, Sirius smiles, glad that at least one person was defending him “Spoilers,” Sirius’ smile faded.

Marlene shrugs, “I’m sure you assumed that that was what it was about,”

“I did yeah,” Dorcas now takes Sirius’ glass of wine from Marlene, takes a sip and passes it back to Sirius. At least he had his wine now.

“The book is not about Remus,” Sirius groans, “It’s about me, and my past, I don’t know anything about Remus, and his past. How could I write a book about it?” 

Marlene pats his head, “It was a beautiful book, Sirius,”

He crosses his arms and huffs, “Thank you,” 

He closed his eyes as the conversation drifted off to different topics. He’s tired from his drive. Knowing that it was probably one of the last times he’d make the drive satisfied him. He’d fly back when sorting out the movers, and then that would be that. No more long car rides, or getting sad when Harry (or Teddy) grew six inches without him witnessing it. The furthest he would have to drive would be fifteen minutes away to go to Marlene’s house. He’s sure that if he needed to go any further he could convince someone else to drive him. He just hated driving. 

“So, why are you here Black?” Marlene asks, kicking his shin to get his attention. 

Sirius pulls himself out of his daydreaming about never having to drive again and glares at her. He wasn’t ready to tell them yet. He didn’t know why. He knew that they would all be thrilled. They’ve been trying to get him to move home ever since the breakup. He just felt like it wasn’t the right moment. Not everyone was there, Mary had just gone home. Remus and Teddy had gone home. Sirius would like to see Remus’ face when he found out. He couldn’t even bear himself to look at Remus’ face yet. He didn’t want him to find out by Lily blabbing through text, and that’s what would happen if he told them now.

“Just wanted to spend more time with you guys for Christmas,” He shrugged. He wasn't lying. He was looking forward to Christmas this year. They shouldn't be asking questions. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience for them. They should be grateful.

“There’s something he’s not telling us,” Marlene says, pointing her finger and glaring at him. 

Sirius puts his hand over his heart and scoffs. She was right. She had a way of always knowing. 

…

To Sirius’ delight, James did not have anything planned for the next two days. It was just him and Harry, and his publicist constantly emailing him. He cancelled two interviews to come early, and she did not like that. He’s terrible at interviewing. He’s terrible at talking to people in general. Too fidgety. She knows this. In his opinion, the book would sell better if he didn’t go on some random podcast to talk about it. 

 He doesn’t know what to do with all of his free time. Last Christmas, he spent all of his time not writing a book and pining over Remus. Not this Christmas. The book was written, and Remus is being avoided at all costs. He plays football with Harry and plays in the snow with Harry and colors with Harry. There are only so many things you can do with Harry until he crashes and Sirius is left to his own devices. He replies to some emails, tries to make English toffee (unsuccessfully), and makes some tea. There's only so much dreariness that Sirius can take, so when James comes home, Sirius is thrilled. He’s even more thrilled when he finds out that they’re going to the non-Christmas themed pub quiz that night. He’s always loved a good pub quiz, and this year swears that their team will win. Sirius' thrill drops tremendously when James tells him that they have to drive to Remus’ house because that’s where the babysitter will be tonight, it drops a little more when he finds out that they will be picking Remus up at his house, and then a little more when James tells him that he cannot pretend to be asleep the whole car ride to avoid Remus.

Sirius could go against James’ orders, but he decides against it. Instead, he sits forward in his seat and stares ahead, paying no mind to the man sitting directly behind him, and when Remus says, “Hello Sirius,” as he gets into the car, Sirius simply turns up the music - which James immediately turns back down, but his point is made. He doesn’t want to talk. Not yet anyway. He has too much pride. 

Everyone happens to arrive at the pub at the same time, Sirius goes to get drinks while the others sit down. Sirius hopes that as everyone piles into the table and the spot next to Remus gets taken. It is not. The only spot that's left is at the edge of the booth, right next to Remus. Sirius passes out the drinks, silently praising himself for remembering everyone's orders, and slides into the seat next to Remus. 

Sirius made sure to keep his distance, but Remus wasn’t so careful. Sirius made sure to keep their thighs from touching, and Remus made sure to bump their knees together. Sirius made sure to point his shoulders away from the other man, and Remus made sure to brush his arm against the other man. He doesn’t know what Remus is playing at, but he doesn’t like it. He quite likes his personal space and doesn’t like Remus tempting him by invading it. 

Sirius sat there and stewed. He hadn’t stewed the whole time he had been home, it’s about time he had a small stew. Remus can’t just say that he can’t handle Sirius. Say he can’t fight for Sirius’ attention. Can’t wonder what it would be like to love him, and then do this. Sirius pouts, and waits for the quiz to start, and when it’s announced that the quiz will be starting ten minutes late, Sirius gets up to get another drink, Remus also stands up. Sirius walks to the bar, keeping his eyes forward, paying attention to the sound of the footsteps behind him. The steps behind him turn to the bathroom. 

Sirius orders his drink and turns to go back to the table but pauses for a moment, and stares at his group of friends. Mary is showing Lily pictures on her phone, and Marlene and James are arm wrestling while Dorcas referees. Sirius chuckles to himself, hoping to have more nights like these in the future. Maybe they could make pub quiz nights a monthly occurrence. That would be nice. Sirius gets pulled away from his thoughts as someone walks past him, brushing their shoulders together. Remus. 

It’s a nice move. Walk past, quick brush. Classic. It made Sirius blush. Sirius gets a feeling of deja vu, perhaps from last Christmas. Sirius watched the back of Remus’ head sit down with the rest of them and challenge Marlene, the reigning arm wrestling champ, to an arm wrestle. He felt like he was watching them all in slow motion. Slow motion, double vision in rose blush. He figured the alcohol may be getting to him. He shakes it off and walks forward, re-joining the group, making sure to keep the distance between him and Remus, and challenges Marlene, the reigning arm wrestling champ, to an arm wrestle.

The quiz starts, and the paper is placed between Sirius and Remus. Sirius has the foresight to bring his own pen this time. Even though he’s been freezing Remus out, Sirius is prepared to win. He just can’t look at him-or directly acknowledge him. That’s all he has to do. He can do this. 

First question: Who was the king of the Greek gods? 

Easy. The answer is Zeus. Sirius gets to the paper first and scribbles down the answer. He hears Remus grunt next to him. Sirius triumphantly chuckles. At the end of the first round Sirius gets six right and Remus gets four. It’s silently decided among the rest of the group to let Remus and Sirius hash out whatever they are doing on their own. Instead, they start making bets, despite Remus’ pleas to not make a spectacle. 

Round two starts and Sirius tries to slyly push the paper towards him, Remus does not take kindly to this, “Sirius,” Remus growls at him and presses his knee into Sirius’. He knows what he was doing. Sirius knows what he was doing. It almost works. Almost. 

Sirius pulls his knee away, and Remus pulls the paper back into the middle. Sirius knows that Remus is going to try and swoon Sirius into letting him win. He was playing dirty. Sirius could do the same. Grab Remus’ thigh. Reach around and lightly brush the back of his neck. Sirius remembers the back of his neck was Remus’ sweet spot. Sirius suspected that might be what Remus wanted. He suspected Remus was craving Sirius’ attention. He wouldn’t give in. He scootched to the edge of the booth, one butt cheek hanging off the side. Sirius won’t let them touch. He won’t speak to him. He will be colder than cold.

The next question: What is the capital city of Mongolia? Sirius knows this. It’s Ulaanbaatar, obviously, but he lets Remus get it. Ease him in. Second question: Which is the rarest blood type among humans? Sirius gets to the paper first with this one, it’s AB-negative. Remus tends to grunt every time he loses. Sirius loves it, but can’t let Remus know. Question three: What is the specific term used to describe a type of sandstorm characterized by strong winds carrying a wall of dust and sand, reducing visibility and causing hazardous conditions? Both Sirius and Remus’ pens hit the paper. They sit there for a second, both deciding their next move. 

Sirius stares ahead. Remus moves to push his knee against Sirius, but Sirius is too far away. Marlene's eyes bat back and forth between the three of them. Mary and Lily are taking BuzzFeed quizzes. James and Dorcas are talking with the table behind them. Marlene is the only one who cares, and she is on the edge of her seat. “Sirius,” Remus says, he keeps saying that. Sirius never wants him to stop. Sirius doesn’t reply, keeping his eyes on the paper. “Sirius,” Remus repeats. Sirius couldn’t crack. “Sirius,” Remus reaches his hand for Sirius’ thigh, begging for attention. While his guard is down, Sirius knocks Remus’ pen out of the way and writes down the answer. It’s a Haboob.

Their team wins, only by one point. Sirius figures a celebratory cigarette is in order. He’s been trying to quit. Only having one every once in a while. Instead of going to the designated smoking area, Sirius ducks into the alley behind the pub where the cooks smoke, hoping that Remus won’t follow him.

Sirius is proud of himself. It was hard, not to give in to Remus’ antics. It was killing him. Sirius hadn’t heard Remus say his name in a year, even though it was all he thought about some days, and there he was, saying his name, growling his name. Challenging Sirius, filled with so much necessity. He needed Sirius to give in, and he didn’t. Sirius won. He was proud of himself. 

He hears steps approach and curses under his breath, Remus finds his hiding spot. Sirius leans against the cold brick wall and stares forward, Remus does the same, plucking the cigarette straight out of Sirius’ hand. Sirius sighs and immediately pulls another one out for himself. He figures that Remus at least deserved the cigarette.

They stayed silent. Sirius counted the window pains on the building above them. Twenty-six on the first story. He got halfway through the second story but was interrupted by Remus, Sirius knew it was coming. 

“Sirius,” he says once more, “I’m dying.”

Sirius knows that he is. He knows that he should let him out of the dog house sooner than later. He knows, he knows, he knows. He doesn’t want to fall back into the way that they were. As far as Remus knows, Sirius is going back home in a week. Sirius doesn’t want a fling. He isn’t prepared, and as much as he thought he was last Christmas, he wasn’t prepared then either. Lily said it best, his heart couldn’t take much more, and there were only so many books he could write to process one short situationship. 

“My heart can’t take much more,” Sirius warns, throws his cigarette on the ground, stomps on it, and walks away.

Chapter Text

“Why won't you look at him?” Marlene asks on the way home. He begged Marlene to give him a ride. He thinks having to share a car ride home with Remus would kill him and Remus both.

“Scared to,” He says as he stares out the car window, looking at all of the lights and Christmas decorations.

“He wanted your attention bad,” Dorcas said, “I’ve never seen him like that. He’s usually more subtle.”

“Yeah, I’m aware.”  Sirius sulks down into his seat, “Painfully aware,” 

Remus is an oxymoron. He’s subtle, but he’s also very crass at times. He’s meticulous, careful with his every move, but if something goes astray, he acts out. Sirius saw it last Christmas. He knew Remus never intended on going as far as he did with Sirius. But he kept acting on impulse after impulse until it all came crashing down on them. They were falling the whole time, but it felt like flying - until their bones were crushed.

Sirius doesn't sleep much throughout the night. He’s groggy in the morning. He tells Harry they are going to have a pajama day. Harry is thrilled with that prospect, asking if they can also get the cat a pair of pajamas. Sirius painfully informs the boy that the cat doesn't have pajamas and blames Lily for it. He doesn't know if it was Lily's fault, but he has to blame someone other than himself.

Marlene has the day off and Sirius invites her over to their pajama party. Marlene brings her switch so she and Harry can play Sonic together. It was Harry's newest obsession, and lucky for him, it was Marlene's obsession when she was his age. Sirius enjoys watching them play. They get him to play a round here and there but he’s pretty rubbish.

Sirius’ mind kept going back to the previous night, Remus’ last plea in the ally, begging Sirius for attention. Remus’ voice rang through his head saying “Sirius,” over, and over again. Sirius supposes that he should put the man out of his misery and talk to him the next time he sees him. He wondered when that would be. Before he can think too hard about it, Remus’ face pops up on his phone.

He takes a deep breath, confused as to why Remus would be calling, and answers, “Remus? Everything, okay?” 

“Can you sit Teddy for the afternoon? Me mums had to go to hospital.” Sirius can hear the panic in his voice. His accent gets thicker, his breath gets heavier and his words more jumbled together. 

“Yeah, yeah of course,” Sirius says, heading for the stairs to his room so he can change out of his pajamas. 

“Thank you,” Remus says as he sighs in relief, “We’ll be over soon.”

Sirius gets dressed as fast as he can and runs back downstairs to explain everything to Marlene. He knows Remus never exactly had the best relationship with his mother. Sirius doesn't know how he would react if he found out that Walburga was in the hospital. Probably something that she would describe as immature. She loved to call him immature.

Sirius hears Remus come through the front door and he rushes up to greet him. Teddy usually runs headfirst into the house right away to find Harry, but today he stays by his father's side. Sirius turns the corner, and there he is. For the first time in over a year, Sirius sees Remus’ face. He's very pale. That might be due to his current state of stress. He's still just as beautiful as Sirius remembers, maybe even more. His hair is longer and more mullet-like. It's subtle, perhaps a sneaky mullet. Remus kneels down to face his son.

“Da, going alone is scary,” Teddy says, pulling at his father's coat and staring at the floor.

“I'll be okay,” Remus tries to reassure but both Teddy and Sirius can see right through it, “I'm brave,”

“I'll come with,” Sirius says, attempting to make both Lupins feel better. That's all he wants, he considers that that is all he has ever wanted. Maybe he was put on this planet to make the Lupins feel better. 

They both whip their heads around to stare at Sirius. Teddy looks relieved and runs over to hug Sirius. Remus’ mouth falls open as he stares at Sirius. They lock eyes. Sirius missed those eyes. Brown on Blue. Like sinking ships on water. Remus closes his mouth and opens it again like he is about to say something, but never does. 

“Let me come,” Sirius whispers and he sees Remus’ mouth slightly quirk to the side. A small smile was a big win for Sirius right now, “Marls is here right now, she can watch the kids.”

“Don't mind at all,” She says from behind Sirius, giving him a small heart attack. He had no idea she was there. 

“Okay,” Remus says.

Sirius follows him out to the car after goodbyes are said. Remus reaches around behind them and hands the blanket to Sirius. It all felt so familiar. Sirius feels a little ping in his chest. Wishing to be back in their one week of bliss from last Christmas. They don't say anything for a while. Just sit in silence, listening to Remus’ Christmas music. When “Last Christmas” comes on Sirius almost laughs, but catches himself. It was quite funny.

“What?” Remus asks, maybe Sirius did let out a small laugh.

“Just the song,” Sirius says, “Just funny to me.”

“Given the nature of our relationship?” Remus asks, looking over at Sirius, who looks back. Remus had aged slightly from last year. His smile lines are more pronounced, and the grey hairs by his ears have started to pepper themselves throughout the rest of his head. He aged like a fine wine that Sirius was so tempted to drink. 

Sirius hums in response to Remus. What was the nature of their relationship? Were they friends now? That was weird to Sirius. They were never friends-never “mates”. Remus didn't see Sirius the same way that he saw James. Sirius didn't think they could ever be friends. Not when a single look at Remus makes Sirius feel the way he does. So much lust and want, desperate to crack into him like he would a book.

“I missed you,” Remus says, cracking the silence that was lingering.

Sirius' heart skips a small beat, “And I you,” He figures it would be too much to tell him that he thought about him every single day. That would be weird. Sirius has barely admitted that to himself, he couldn’t admit it to Remus quite yet. He didn't want to scare Remus away. Remus had plans for the rest of his life, and Sirius figures easing his way back in, so as to not wreck his plans might be the way to go. Admitting that he was obsessed with him was not the way.

“You were punishing me,” Remus says, keeping his eyes forward. It’s just begun to snow. Sirius silently prays for his life. Remus is not the best driver in the snow.

“No,” Sirius says calmly, “I just wasn't ready yet.”

“You chose to come early, you knew I would be here.” His voice sounds strained and Sirius can tell by the white of his knuckles that his grip on the steering wheel has gotten tighter.

“We should talk about this later,” Sirius is being avoidant. Sirius tends to always be avoidant. He moved to London to avoid all of his problems.

“If you're saying we should talk about my mother, then I'd rather not,” Remus says. Sirius was avoiding one topic, and Remus was avoiding another. They sit in silence for another moment, each of them thinking about the topic that they didn’t want to talk about. Sirius thought he had prepared himself to see Remus again. To live in the same town as Remus. To have his godson to be bestfriends with Remus’ son. But now he’s here, and it's all quite a lot. He couldn’t look at Remus, he feared he might explode. But now he’s seen him and is talking to him. It’s all quite a lot.

“I like the cover,” Remus keeps looking straight ahead. He’s driving, he should remain looking ahead, Sirius knows this, but he also knows he wants to be looked at by Remus Lupin. “Of the new novel. It’s beautiful.”

Sirius smiles and blushes slightly, “They tried to get me to have a drawing of the two leads. I had to put my foot down.” 

“Thank god you didn’t. Hate those covers.” As Remus says this the air feels slightly lighter. The car was a bottle full of tension and they were slowly taking small sips out of it. “Who knows if I’d even consider reading it if you went that route.”

Sirius leans his head back and laughs while playfully slapping Remus’ arm. It felt nice to touch him-even if it was just a small one. “You still would. I’m one hundred percent positive.”

Remus scoffs, “Who do you think you are?”

It’s a joke, but Sirius still pauses to think. He thought he was a lot of things. A writer, a man with excellent hair, an asshole, a comedian. Sirius Black was a lot. But what was he to Remus Lupin? “I’m yours,” he says. He means it. With his whole heart, he means it. “I think I’m yours.”

Remus quickly glances over to Sirius and then back to the road. Sirius can see the blush creep onto his face. “Welcome back,” Remus whispers. They fall back into silence. The tension slowly rising back into the car. 

They get to the hospital. Remus explains that his mum didn’t tell him much on their brief phone call. She just said that she was in the hospital, she was fine, and not to come. Obviously to Remus that meant that something bad happened, and he should absolutely come. The hospital is a labyrinth, Remus’ mum isn’t answering his texts or phone calls, and none of the staff are giving him a straight answer where she might be. After a bit of wandering up and down floors and halls, Remus hears her voice, yelling at some poor doctor or nurse a few doors down from them. 

“Mum!” Remus yells as they walk into the room. His voice was stern, similar to the voice he uses when Teddy is doing something he isn’t supposed to do, but more aggressive-like a bark.

“Remus!” She barks right back, “I told you not to come.” She was a small, blonde woman, with short, beehive-like hair. She’s sitting up in the bed with her IV pulled out. She is in a hospital gown with her left arm in a yellow cast with a blue sling around her shoulder. She scowls up at Remus, and Remus gives her the exact same scowl back. He’s standing above her, with one hand on his hip, tapping his foot on the ground. 

“You also told me not to come when Dad was in the hospital last. Do you remember what happened then Mother? He died. So I came, to make sure you’re okay.” 

“Ma’am,” One doctor attempts to speak up, “We need you to let us put your IV back in.” He was a small man, and obviously scared of the woman. He didn’t stand a chance.

“We’re done here. I’m going home.” She stands up and attempts to reach for her things but Remus blocks her. Sirius attempts to make himself small in the corner of the room, contemplating stepping out. He didn’t know which would be worse. Which Remus needs him to do more. Because that's why he’s there, for Remus.

“Mum,” Remus raises an eyebrow and holds onto his stern face. Sirius briefly thinks about how he wouldn’t mind Remus being that stern with him, but quickly shoves it away. It was neither the time nor the place. “What happened?”

His mother throws her hands up in the air and plops back down on the bed and scans the room, looking for her next way out. She makes eye contact with Sirius who holds it. She reminds him of himself a little. Eager to be independent. Not accepting anyone help. Feeling embarrassed when someone tries to help, leading her to lash out. He’s done it all before.

“Who are you?” She barks, and narrows her eyes at him. 

“Sirius Black,” He steps forward next to Remus. He smiles down at her, giving her his most charming smile, something he was known for. 

She looks between Sirius and Remus, “He isn’t just a friend, is he?” She asks Remus. Sirius wanted nothing more than to be out of the room and back inside Remus’ truck. He glances over to the doctor standing in the corner of the room and thinks that the doctor feels the same way as he does.

Remus stutters and looks over at Sirius who tries to give him a reassuring smile and loops his arm through Remus’, letting him know that he’s there. Sirius figures that Remus knows that they will never be friends. He hopes that Remus is okay with that. He assumes that he is, seeing as he lets him come to the hospital with him. Seeing as he didn’t immediately tell his mum that they were friends. Seeing as the way Remus’ face filled with such relief when Sirius grabbed his arm. 

“Sirius is very important to me, I’ll tell you all about it sometime, but that's not why I’m here. What happened? Are you okay?” Remus asks, clenching Sirius’ arm tightly to him.

Hope Lupin responds with a dramatic huff and crosses her arms, “So I suppose she isn’t coming back from America then. Shame, I liked her.”

 Sirius rolls his eyes and looks to the doctor in the corner who is staring at his feet, presumably praying for death. “What happened to her?” Sirius asks. 

The man looks up, anxiety riddled across his face, “A-are you family?”

Remus and Sirius both roll their eyes, “I’m her son.” Remus says. 

He takes them out in the hallway and explains to them that she fell from a ladder. She has a hairline fracture in her arm and on three of her ribs. She has a concussion that they want to monitor but she's insisting on leave now and refusing care. Remus paces back in forth in front of the door. He takes long strides. Sirius watches his legs go back and forth and back and forth. It’s quite mesmerizing. After a moment, Remus takes a deep breath, curses beautifully under his breath, opens the door and reenters the room. Sirius follows.

She’s started putting her normal clothes back on and packing her bag, “Ma,” Remus sighs loudly and stares at her. He pinches the bridge of his nose and looks down. Sirius places a hand on Remus’ back and rubs up and down. He has no clue what else to do but thinks it might help. Just a little.

“Remus,” She sighs just the same as he did, “Go home. I’ll see you in March.”

“Ma,” Remus takes a big breath, straightens his back and looks his mother directly in the eyes, “If you tell me to go now, then I’m done. You have no respect for me, or your grandson. You’ve done this before, and you’ll do it again. If I go, you will not have a relationship with me or Teddy.”

She sits there and thinks. Remus holds his stance, locking eyes with her. Sirius is so proud of him. Its hard to do what he’s doing. It was the hardest thing that Sirius had ever had to do. Watching Remus do it is just as hard. He knows exactly what's going through his head. There is one difference, Remus is standing up for himself and for Teddy. Sirius was never brave enough to stand up for Regulus. He regrets that everyday of his life.

“Go,” She says, and they leave. Remus grabs Sirius and they walk hand in hand straight out to the car. They sit there in silence. Remus stares forward, hands on the steering wheel but not going, just staring. Sirius contemplates offering to drive, but the decides to wait and see what Remus needs. Whatever he needs, Sirius will give it to him. Anything and everything, and nothing, if that's what he needs. Sirius hopes he figure out what he needs soon because Remus has yet to turn on the car or get him his blanket, and it was getting cold, but Sirius could wait-or grab the blanket himself, but that didn’t feel right. Getting the blanket was Remus’ job. 

Sirius sits and stares forward and watches the people. He loves people watching. It's mainly old people going in, but not a lot coming out. A woman was walking a black dog, Sirius was thrilled and wanted to show Remus but he figured it wasn’t the best time. Sirius will wait for when it is the right time. He’s never been very patient but is trying. 

It startles Sirius when Remus takes a deep breath and quickly turns the car on. He quickly whips out of the parking lot and before Sirius knows, they’re back on the road again. “Fuck, I’m sorry, I forgot,” Remus mumbles as he reaches behind Sirius to hand him his blanket. 

“Thank you,” Sirius twists in his seat to face Remus and curls up under the blanket. The silence falls back. Remus obviously looks stressed. Sirius doesn’t know what to do. Staring at Remus probably wasn’t helping. He looks away but that doesn’t feel right either. He doesn’t look back, he just and grabs his hand off of the centre console, and strokes his thumb back and forth.

“Tell me something,” Remus whispers, “Update me”

Sirius contemplates what he should tell him. The past year has been dedicated to the book. And thinking about Remus, of course. He was writing the book, and that made him think about Remus. He was editing the book, which made him think about Remus. He was designing the cover, which made him think about Remus- eager to share it with him. Everything that year always came back to Remus. The tall man with nice wrists that he spent two weeks with. Sirius knows that it’s crazy. He can hear his mother in his ear, “What a shame, you’re fucked in the head.” But he just couldn’t escape the thought of him. He of course, cannot let Remus know that he spent the last year solely thinking of him. He has to choose something else, and quick because Remus keeps glancing over at him-waiting.

“I’m moving here, permanently, to Hogsmead.” He blurts out, it was the only thing that he was able to think of. He wanted to be the one to be the one to tell him. Not Lily tells him after he mentions it to James-which he’s been meaning to do. Remus’ mouth falls slightly open, and he keeps glancing back between the road and Sirius. A pit in Sirius’ stomach drops-part of him thought, or maybe hoped, that Remus would be happy. He doesn’t look very happy. “I know you probably don’t want me to. But I am, and not because of you, or us, but because I want to. I need to. For James, for Harry, and for me. I need my family.” 

Remus breathes out a long sigh, and then starts to slowly chuckle, “Thank God,” he squeezes Sirius’ hand tight. “I don’t think I could survive another year without you.”

Sirius let out the breath that he was holding. Remus missed him. That's nice to hear. That’s all Sirius has wanted to hear. Sirius didn’t need his approval, but it sure did feel nice. “I haven’t told James yet, I need to.”

“I’m sorry that I made you think that I didn’t want you here,” Remus says, and Sirius thinks it’s silly. What else was he supposed to think? Remus told him to leave. What else was he supposed to do? Did Remus expect to tell him to leave and Sirius think they were on as good of graces as ever? That's not how it works. Sirius frowns and cocks his head at Remus. He needs to be gentle, given the major life experience that Remus just went through.

“What was I supposed to think?” Sirius tries to sound calm, “I don’t hold any of what you said against you. I shouldn’t have asked you to tell me to say. It should be my decision. But you can’t tell me that I wasn’t supposed to think you didn’t want me here. You told me to go. You told me it was never that serious. It was to me.”

Remus frowns and stares ahead, latching on to Sirius’ hand for dear life. “It was to me too,” Sirius feels like he has whiplash, “I wanted to run, I wanted to push you away because I was scared. I was scared to fall in love again-scared to let Teddy fall in love. I needed to realize that I was allowed to do that-I think I’m beginning to.”

Sirius takes a breath, not sure how to process the information, “Looks like we’ve both had some realizations then.”

“Looks like it,” Remus sighs, and strokes his thumb over Sirius’. Sirius pulls the blanket tighter around him, and shutters at the thought of this being their new normal. Neither one ready to admit it. Remus calls Teddy to let him know that everything is okay and that they’re headed home. Sirius admired Teddy for taking such care of his father. Sirius admired Remus for being the type of father to have his son care so much about him. 

“You were very brave today.” Sirius tells Remus once he’s off of the phone.

“It didn’t feel like bravery, just something I’ve been meaning to do, but haven’t yet. I’m not super worked up about it. Just a tad shocked.” Remus says while cramming on his brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of them. Sirius raises his eyebrows and Remus brushes him off. 

“I’m still proud of you,” Sirius says

They get home within the hour. Remus puts the truck in park, but doesn’t immediately get out. Sirius waits for his lead. He stares at Remus. He felt like a fool for not looking at him right away when they first arrived. How could he deprive himself from that crooked nose? Or the galaxy of scares and freckles? He’s a fool, but it’s okay, because he can look now, and what a sight. Only thing that is missing is his smile. Boy, did he miss that smile. Remus doesn’t return Sirius’ gaze, instead just stares at his lap. Sirius wishes he would. Longing to lock eyes again.

“I’m excited for you to open your Christmas present,” Remus says, finally looking over in Sirius’ direction, but not fully at him.

Sirius smiles, thinking of the past years Christmas present from Remus, “I wrote the whole novel on the typewriter.” 

There it is, Remus’ face breaks into a smile. His crooked smile pointed slightly up in one direction, it almost looked like he was biting the inside of his cheek. Sirius smiles triumphantly, like he had just won a contest. He had just won a contest. Remus’ crows feet slowly appear as his eyes squint. He puts his hand on Sirius’ arm and squeezes, and Sirius thinks that it might all be too much. Thats okay, he could die a happy man in this moment, because Remus Lupin was smiling.  

“I’m glad,” Remus says, locking his eyes with Sirius’. 

“It was rather annoying,” Sirius continued as he stares into Remus’ soul, “It made me constantly think of you,”

Remus leans his head back and lets out a hearty laugh, “You’ve cracked my plan,” he moves his hand up to Sirius’ face and lightly squeezes his cheek, “Before you know it you’re gonna be writing books about me.”

Sirius playfully slapped Remus’ arm. The other man moves to get out of the car, Sirius follows suit, and hopes that Remus will stop for a cigarette, but he just continues to the house, probably eager to see Teddy. When they enter the house everyone in the living room stands up. Teddy runs straight to his dad, and Sirius goes to stand next to James, giving him a look that he’ll tell him everything later. Sirius assumes Remus won’t stay long, so he quickly runs up to his room, rumages through his bags, and runs back down, catching Remus just before he turns to go out the door.

“Remus,” Sirius says, slightly out of breath, hoping that being home to play football with Harry everyday will get him back in shape. Remus looks over to Sirius with a confused look on his face. “Here,” Sirius hands over the book. Remus stares at it, looking surprised. Sirius is anxious for him to read it; not knowing how the other man will react. He hopes he likes it. Sirius wrote the book for himself, but for Remus as well. It was going to be his Christmas present, but Sirius figure now was as good a time as any to hand it over. He had a backup Christmas present to give-just isn’t going to be as exciting as the novel.

“Thank you,” Remus says, “Thank you so much,”

The Lupins leave and the Potters have dinner. Sirius keeps waiting for the perfect opportunity to tell James, and now he’s learning that there will never be a perfect opportunity, and he just has to rip the bandage off. Tonight wouldn't be the night he decides. James and Lily are worried about Remus, Harry was tired and grumpy, and Marlene had just gone home to Dorcas. 

As Sirius lays in bed and contemplates ways to tell them. His top pick right now is not telling him, but instead just never leaving. That's just his nerves setting in, he knows it's the wrong choice. He thinks maybe on Christmas. 

Before he can think too hard about it, he falls asleep. Before he can sleep too hard, he’s woken up by his phone ringing on his side table. He takes a second to process what's going on and then slowly picks up the phone. He sees Remus’ face flash across the screen right under the time, four-twelve in the morning. 

“Remus?” Sirius isn't convinced that this isn't a dream, “Everything okay?”

“You wrote a book for me,” he says. Sirius flips his light on and sits up. 

“Remus it's four in the morning. Have you slept?” Sirius was relieved, for a second he thought he was about to get some very bad news. 

“You said in the dedication, ‘For the moon, from the stars.’ You wrote a book for me,” Remus continued on, not listening to any of Sirius’ questions, “Not only did you write a book for me, I’m almost sure you made me the second lead.”

Sirius feels his face getting hot. He’s praying that Remus isn’t mad. He doesn’t sound mad, but he also doesn’t sound entirely pleased either. Sirius feels like he’s being interrogated. “Did you like it?” Is the only thing that he can think to ask. He hopes that Remus did. He didn’t care if the rest of the world liked it. Remus was all that really mattered. 

“Sirius,” Remus breathes, “It’s the best thing you’ve ever written.” 

Sirius feels a weight being pulled off of his chest. He flicks his light back off, and snuggles back into bed, keeping his phone close to him, wishing Remus was in the room with him. Tangled in bed with him. Telling all of this to his face. Sirius can guess why he called; Remus just couldn’t wait. Sirius wouldn’t be able to either. Sirius didn’t know how to reply. Everything that he needs to say is in the novel. Everything he had been dying to tell Remus for the past year was in the novel. Every thought, revelation, love declaration, it was all in there. 

Sirius has no reply so Remus just continues on, “And I know that because I read Beets, and thought that that was the best thing ever, and then I read The Black Dog, and spent a whole year obsessing over it. But now,” Remus pauses for a second. Sirius forgot that Remus had read his first book, the book that he had gifted him last Christmas. Sirius had forgotten to ask him if he liked it. Whenever Sirius thinks of that night, he only thinks of Remus telling him that he can’t tell him to stay, and James begging him to stay. That’s where he had gotten the idea for the novel when James was giving his speech about ghosts. He was absolutely right, Sirius was a ghost back then. That’s why he wrote a book about ghosts learning what it means to live again-what it means to love again. Writing that helped him rediscover what it means for him to live, and love and learn. 

“You liked The Black Dog?” Sirius asks, not being able to shake off the fact that he forgot about it. 

“I loved it, Sirius,” Remus says. 

“And you liked Godrics Street?” Sirius asks, wanting confirmation. Wanting to make sure he heard him right. 

Remus deeply laughs, “Sirius,” his low voice says, “Can I take you to dinner tomorrow night? We need to talk.” 

Sirius is taken off guard, still not sure if he’s dreaming or not, “Y-yeah, of course.” 

“It’s a date then,” Remus says. Every bone in Sirius’ body shoots him out of bed, and before Sirius knows it, he’s upright and pacing back and forth infront of his bed, “I should get some sleep. Goodnight Sirius,” Remus says through the phone. 

Sirius has to snap himself out of a trance in order to reply to Remus, “Goodnight, Remus,” The line goes dead.

Chapter Text

“I’m freaking out Prongs,” Sirius says to his brother later that morning. He couldn’t go back to sleep after getting off the phone, and when he heard James get up that morning, he sprang at the opportunity to run with James to help him clear his head. 

“That’s what you’ve been saying for the past mile Padfoot,” James replies, he was never much help in the romance department, but Sirius appreciates his feedback all the same, “My only request of you is to not make Christmas Eve tomorrow awkward.”

Sirius laughs and stops, “I’ll try my best,” he pats James on the back. James runs in place while he waits for Sirius to catch his breath. He has a concerned look on his face. Sirius knows this face all too well, unfortunately.

“And be careful,”  James says with an apprehensive tone. You remember what happened last year.” Sirius remembers, of course. And of course, he’s being cautious. But it's different this time. He’s learned so much since last year. He stopped hating Christmas (for the most part), and he’s trying to let himself love. It’s different.

“It's not like last year,” he replies to James, who cocks his head to the side. It clicks for Sirius, James doesn’t know Sirius is staying. Sirius has been meaning to tell him, and figures now is as good as time as ever. “I’ll be here this time,”

James looks even more confused and Sirius realises that his wording probably wasn’t the best, “You were here last time Pads,” James responds, and his running in place gets slower, and slower.

“James I’m staying. I’m not going back to London. My flat is packed up, I just have to give the mover the word. My lease is up at the end of January. I’m staying. I’m here this time. It’s different.” James’ mouth falls open, and before Sirus knew it, James was picking him up, and running him around in small victory circles. Sirius hasn’t seen him this thrilled in a long time. Sirius laughs loudly, yelling at his brother to put him down, which he does, but not before doing a few last laps.

“Padfoot!” James exclaims, holding him at arm's length. His smile is spread as wide as it could be across his face, and happy tears are pricking at the corners of his eyes. Sirius smiles back. James had wanted this for so long. He had missed Sirius so much. Sirius would always get annoyed by James worrying so much. But now, he’s grateful. Who knows where he would be if he didn’t have James constantly looking out for him. 

“Thank you,” Sirius says, tears start attacking his eyes, flowing out, “I’m pretty sure you’ve saved my life on multiple occasions.” James pulls him into a tight hug. Sirius can’t tell how long they’ve been hugging for. He just grips onto James like his life depends on it. 

James releases him, and they both wipe their eyes. Sirius glances at the time from his phone and sees that they’ve been gone for almost an hour, and need to get back before Lily needs to head to work. They start to walk back, neither of them ready to run quite yet. 

“Can I tell everyone?” James asks, his bubbly energy reemerging from within him. 

Shakes his head, “You’d get more joy out of it than I would,” James pumps his fist in the air, happy at the prospect for him and his wife to yap with everyone else. 

“Thank God!” He leans over, kisses Sirius hard on his head, sticks his tongue out and charges forward. Sirius knows this means that he wants to race back to the house, they did this all of the time as kids. James wins the race, and Sirius knows that he will. James runs every day, Sirius runs every Christmas. 

To Sirius’ surprise, Remus’ green truck is in front of the Potters house. Sirius stares at it. He was prepared to see Remus tonight, not this moment when he’s all sweaty and stinky. He debates how he can sneak straight up to the shower. He supposes just running up the stairs would do. He’s overthinking this. He just wants everything with Remus to go perfectly, and he’s scared that his stench is going to ruin that.

He’s able to sneak up to his room to grab his towel without running into Remus. He doesn’t have as good luck when he gets to his room. Remus sits on his bed, reading a book that Sirius had brought with him. He doesn’t look up when Sirius enters the room, just keeps reading. Sirius wants to climb into bed with him and then remembers his stench. He grabs his towel, lets Remus know that he’ll be right back (who only hums in response, which drives Sirius crazy) and heads to the shower.

Sirius lets the water run over himself and tries to figure out why Remus is in his bedroom, lying on his bed, reading a book. The book wasn't actually out of the ordinary, Sirius would be even more worried if he wasn't reading a book. He tries to be as quick as he can, though his hair routine does take a sizable amount of time. Remus could wait. He’s waited a whole year, whats fifteen more minutes? 

Sirius feels bad for his first few days in town when he was ignoring Remus. He knew he didn’t deserve it. He thinks that he wants to be tough. Keep his stony demeanour. Show Remus that what they had didn’t affect them. Sirius was just lying to himself. Sirius knows that what they had-what they have will forever be with him. Sirius hates how corny it all is. Hates that all of his thoughts encompass his future with Remus. Sirius is covered in Remus. Sirius’ house of stone, and Remus’ ivy grow all over.

Sirius finishes his shower, finishes his curl routine outside of the shower, wraps his towel low around his waist, and heads back into the room. Remus remains lounging on the bed, reading his book. Sirius waits for him to notice his presence. Notice his intentionally low towel. Sirius pitties Remus, knowing that he’s missing out on his favorite slutty waist being right in front of him, available to look at in all of its glory. Sirius looks for clothes, he doesn’t know what Remus has planned for the day. He rummages through the closet and decides on a pair of black pants and a black Phoebe Bridgers t-shirt. He loved the color black.

He turns back around to find Remus fully abandoning the book and now staring at Sirius. Eye fucking might be a better way to put it. Sirius winks at Remus and puts on a small show as he gets dressed. Neither of them say anything. It’s killing Sirius. He wants to know why Remus is there. He has a feeling Remus wants him to feel this way-to keep him on his toes. It’s fine, because Remus is here, in the same room as Sirius, and Sirius is half naked, and Remus is staring at him, and it feels wonderful.

“Like the show?” Sirius turns around and wiggles his bum as you slowly put his pants on. 

Remus lets out a strangled noise that has some semblance of “Yes,” Sirius laughs, proud of the effect that he continues to have on Remus. Sirius plops onto the bed next to Remus and stares at him. Sirius spoke, and now it is Remus’ turn.

Remus does not speak but instead ruffles the top of Sirius’ head and then returns to his book. Sirius is going to kill him. He won't speak until Remus does, and it doesn't look like Remus is going to any time soon. Sirius can wait. He would prefer to pass his time while he waits with his book, but Remus seems to have taken that from him. That's even better. Sirius is annoying when he’s bored, and that just might work to his benefit.

Sirius hears the two boys playing with James downstairs. He debates going to get them so that they could help annoy Remus into talking but decides against it. He instead, stands up and starts unpacking his bags. He's been neglecting it ever since he arrived a few days prior. He takes clothes out one by one and throws them in drawers without any rhyme or reason, in hopes that this will drive Remus insane. It works.

Remus stands up and starts putting clothes away properly behind Sirius. Sirius smirks, realizing how much power he has over Remus. It'll be nice to have Remus around when Sirius eventually finds his own place. Remus has a great eye for decorating and organizational skills. Sirius assumes Remus will still be around. It doesn't feel like he’s planning on going anywhere.

“We have the whole day,” Remus speaks, and Sirius internally pats himself on the back. Remus spoke before Sirius did. Another win.

“What about James and the boys?” Sirius asks, handing Remus shirts to fold. Remus folds them meticulously, similar to how a retail worker folds.

Remus shrugs, “They’re going to the ski mountain today. He was going to invite you but I convinced him otherwise. In exchange, we have to make the gingerbread for tomorrow.” Remus takes a whole heap of clothes from Sirius. It feels very domestic.

Sirius wants to ask what Remus has planned for them, but he knows that he’ll find out eventually. Sirius doesn't know where the line is. Remus looked like he was going to pin Sirius down on the bed and snog him senseless, and now they're calmly folding clothes. Remus zips up Sirius’ suitcase and puts it in the closet for him.

They go to the kitchen to start the biscuits. They stay silent, easily working around each other. Sirius is better at baking than he is cooking, but not by much. He follows Remus’ lead. It’s easy. They’re easy. Remus makes them lunch while the cookies are baking. It's simple, just grilled cheese with tomato and basil, but it’s delish.

“I missed your cooking,” Sirius tells him, and Remus hums in response, Sirius continues on, “I tried making mushroom julienne a few months ago, didn’t go very well.”

Remus laughs, “I’ll make it for you again,” he says as he takes Remus’ plate and places it under his. 

Sirius smiles at him, “That’s all I want for Christmas,” he says. It was true too. Because when he thinks of mushroom julienne, he thinks of Remus, and he wants Remus. He wants the easy conversation, the easy silence, the easy laughter. Everything was easy, and he wants it all. When he first decided that he would move to Hogsmeade permanently, he told himself that he shouldn’t fool himself over Remus. Whether it be a short-lived romance or an actual future. He told himself it would be too hard. But why would he deprive himself of that, when things are just so easy, and warm, and beautiful? He feels golden when he is with Remus.

“I’ll make it for you tonight,” Remus says, “We’ll have to stop by the market, but I’ll make it for you.” 

Sirius jumps up in excitement, “Please, please, please,” he says as he follows Remus to the kitchen. Remus shakes his head and laughs as he sets the plates on the counter. He then turns around to pull a jumping Sirius into a hug. It's a tight one and Sirius gratefully accepts it. Remus buries his head into Sirius’ neck and Sirius grips him tighter, laying small kisses on the top of his head. Sirius was home. He always felt like something was missing when James asked him to move close. He always knew it wasn’t the right time, but had no reason why. This was the reason. Their group wasn’t complete yet. Sirius wasn’t complete yet. He needed to rebuild himself first, and in doing that, he found Remus, who made him feel whole.

“I was so scared that I was going to lose you,” Remus murmurs as runs his fingers through the tips of Sirius’ hair, “I know we didn’t spend much time together, but you were special. You’re funny, and witty and so gentle with Teddy. I pushed you away, I would purposefully spend days away from you just because I knew I was falling so hard and I was scared. I was so scared I was going to lose you forever and I wouldn’t have spent enough time with you,” Remus’ voice is calm as he explains to Sirius. Sirius remains holding him tight, never planning on letting go. “Then you came back and weren’t acknowledging me. I thought you were going to leave again and I was going to let you go without looking into your eyes again. Your gleaming, twinkling eyes, like beautiful ocean water. I was so scared I lost you, and then you came with me to the hospital and held my hand. You told me you were staying. You gave me your novel. That damn novel. It was so beautiful, and it gave me hope. Made me excited to learn to love again. To fall in love.” Remus gives Sirius one last final squeeze before pulling away and looking into his eyes, “Thank you,”

Sirius wants to kiss him. He remembers Remus’ chapped lips and messy tongue. He misses them. But decides a kiss isn’t required yet. They should wait until they talk more. He wants to go slow. Draw their lines before they can be crossed. He wants to avoid the crash and burn of last Christmas. Even though he trusted Christmas more than last year and the years before, he still wanted to be precautions. He decides to cup Remus’ face and get on to his tippy toes to kiss his forehead. It will suffice for now.

Remus smiles wide at Sirius. He’s thrilled to see that smile again. He longed for it every day, and here it was. Still the same. Still crooked, pointing up to the left, and the right looked like he was biting the inside of his cheek. Crows feet still peeking out from his eyes. Still as magical as ever. 

They take the biscuits out of the oven and let them cool, and finish the dishes, then decide to take a nap. Remus had chosen to stay up the whole previous night to read Sirius’ novel, and was of course, tired. They curl into Sirius’ bed. Sirius was the small spoon, and Remus the big. Sirius on the side of the bed touches the wall, and Remus on the outside. It was wonderful. Sirius enjoys the feeling of Remus’ breath on his neck. Rhythmic and calm. 

When they wake up, two hours later, and decide to go to the market to get supplies for dinner. They get into Remus’ truck, Remus hands Sirius the blanket, and Sirius accepts it gratefully. Remus doesn’t immediately turn on the car like he usually does. He turns and stares at Sirius. Sirius winks at him and can see the blush slowly spread across Remus’ face.

“Would it be okay if Teddy joins us for dinner tonight?” Remus asks, “Just the three of us.”

Sirius' heart feels like it just grew two sizes. Remus was letting him in. It wouldn’t be just a fling. It's real, and it’s serious, and it’s so, so special. Sirius shakes his head eagerly, “Of course,” Sirius replies, and Remus smiles wide. He turns to put the key in the ignition and drives them to the store. When they arrive, Remus gets out quickly to run around the car to open Sirius’ door. Sirius felt like a teenager - feeling so giddy and horny. They walk arm and arm until Remus stops them right before the door. He points up and Sirius sees the mistletoe hanging above them.

“We can call it even,” Remus whispers as he pulls Sirius in close.

“But you don’t like a gold rush,” Sirius whispers back, staring at Remus' beautiful brown eyes. 

“ ‘tis the damn season,” Remus pulls him even closer and kisses him hard. Sirius felt like everything in his life had been leading up to this. It feels like the moon reuniting with his favourite star. It feels like two lovers who are destined to find each other in every lifetime, in every book, in every small glimmer. It feels like magic. It feels like Remus and Sirius, and that’s how it started, in front of The Wolfs Grocer.