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A reminder to stay hydrated Is set on my phone for 7:35 PM every day so that I can remember to write here without it being weird if people read my phone. Am I embarrassed? Yes, definitely. Should I be ashamed that I am coping? No, absolutely not.
Anyways let’s get into this;
hi, it’s day 1 of journal entries i’m writing to try a new way to get my thoughts out since life is kicking my ass.
I’m going to try and stay as motivated as i possibly can so that i will actually finish this and have a result to look at. My therapist referred this to me when i was back in middle school but i never really found time to do this. Now, at UA, i figured i could at least do it to say i tried it if this didn’t work out. here’s to hoping?
i’m about to sound all Iida like with my words so please give me a break, i'm getting into it.
Now i present to you my ‘deep dark thoughts’.
Sometimes all it takes to fight away the creeping edges of darkness is a kind word. Something thrown around without a second thought works too, but there’s something so deeply profound about a genuine feeling being passed onto you that makes it all worth it. It makes it easier to slide out of bed and into some slippers, makes it easier to chew your food and walk into school. makes it easier to train and take criticism, makes it easier to bounce back.
And sometimes it doesn’t.
What happens when all of your work doesn’t pan out? What happens when the protagonist becomes a side character in their own narrative? When the words of the villain hurt more than the stab wounds and the bruises gained in battle? What do you do when things get too hard and the only door you were presented with it sealed shut?
The answer?
Some people give up.
They leave knowing that things might have been better if they stayed, they leave knowing that they won’t ever be able to feel the sun like they had before. Would I have been one of those people if I hadn't done what I had, and been through what I did?
(Will I still be a statistic if this happens? another kid, another the victim of abuse taken out of the world by selfish desires?)
Something I've thought about a lot recently is; what do I want to be known for before/after I go?
Do I want to be the hero Red Riot?
Do I want to be a loyal friend and family member?
Do I want to make people feel safe?
Do I want to stay stuck in my hole as the kid nobody wants around?
Do i want to be Kirishima Eijiro (whoever that is)?
Do I want to be remembered as something I am, or something that I was pretending to be?
I think a simpler question would be; what would make me a memorable hero?
Being a hero isn’t about looking good on TV, and it ain’t even necessarily about saving people or living without regrets (at least completely). Being a good hero is about the feeling people get when they see you; the relief and the comfort of knowing someone who can help is here now and that its going to be ok. It’s hard, doing all this work and still watching people you try to help die, but it makes successfully saving someone that much sweeter.
That’s what i want to be known for; the feeling of relief when i get on the scene and everyone knows i will help, that they’ll be ok.
Another thing is to be said about watching the people you love die, right in front of you too.
I’ve watched someone I love (even if he doesn’t know it) rip themselves apart for the sake of ‘being a hero’ and ‘being the best’, when in reality, you will never be better than you think you are. You will never be better than the grudges you hold onto or the rage or the guilt, you will only be the best version of yourself if you take the time to understand what being the best actually means for you.
You can fake all of the confidence and superiority you want, but in the end you’ll still end up being that wide eyed kid watching the TV wanting to be the best hero there ever was. Hoping and wishing that you will be in the spotlight so maybe you won’t hate yourself anymore than you do now.
It doesn’t work.
Not in my experience at least.
Looking back on it now, I can say I've gotten better. Whether that is a hiding it or genuinely better I don't know, but I'll take it nonetheless. The change of pace helps, and so does the changes to my body and personality, but i feel the shell still. The fact that i call it ‘the shell’ should tell you something.
All i can describe it as is a tough layer protecting the kid inside me. The one who stood there and froze when people needed me, the one who watched my mom get hurt, the one who let that man ruin our lives. I don’t think i’ll ever not live in the shadow he’s created, that i might be stuck with the scorches left behind from the past, clinging onto my arms and holding me back.
What would my friends say about any of this?
Mina knows some of it, but not to the extent it was at (we were never close in middle school, and if she knew i existed she never said anything).
They would probably not understand, or if they kind of did they’d feel the uncomfortable obligation to give unsolicited advice that I am not going to listen to.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends, but it’s hard sometimes to exist on the same plain as them. It’s hard to look at the fact that i will likely live in their shadow one day too, watching them go on with their lives.
they will all go out and achieve all these great things and.. what will i do? Live as a sidekick all my life doing boring jobs and drowning in my own misery pool that I've made? Wait for my big break while only taking time to destroy myself? If i’m waiting for something to happen to me to make me realize im made for the spotlight, i’ll be stuck here forever.
I want to go out and do these great things but what if I'm not made for it? What if i wasn’t cut out for this at all?
Sometimes i think i should have gone to Droid tech and taken my chances at being an IT guy at some dead end job where i work myself to death for minimum wage. I think about what would happen if i had just listened to Tomo and given up.
But, im here, aren’t i? I placed #2 in the entrance exam for physical abilities (lower on the academic test, but who cares), and i got into the top hero course in the country. Why would any of this happen if i wasn’t where i needed to be? Why would i have gone and done this if i didn’t have an ounce of hope that i could succeed, even back then?
I guess in some way that scrawny black haired kid had hope for the future, hope for me and what i would bring back to him. I kind of owe him for starting to bring my dreams to fruition, right? To give that kid the knowledge that he hoped for the right thing?
I had a conversation with Kats about it the other day (it was more of me crying while i held onto his hand and he gave me some words), and he said something that made me think.
‘when it stops being right, then you quit.
Don’t leave because you think you should, leave when you know you’re done with it, when you know you can’t give anymore than you already have.’
he said that with confidence, like he full heartedly believed in me and what i would be capable of, even if i didn’t. It kind of giving the silent understanding that i could leave when i was done and he would leave me for it. That he would understand it, in his own stubborn grumpy way.
He listened to me talk and blubber and cry for an hour straight after he caught me crying in my room last night, and He didn’t shame me or call me gross or weird (which my emotional brain thought he might), if anything he was hesitant as if he was afraid of doing something wrong, afraid of setting me off even more.
Can you imagine that?
Katsuki Bakugou ‘explosion god murder dynamite’ afraid of being wrong with me?
I would have laughed in your face if you told me that would happen in that moment, but it did, And I couldn't be more thankful.
I care about him a lot.
I just hope he understands how much I do. I’m afraid he doesn’t, and I try my best to drill it into him in little ways without being too obvious.
I wonder one day ,if things go well, if i could stand by his side as a partner. to be seen as a long term equal in a way that would constantly make me feel special. To be ‘Dynamite and Red Riot
,the ultimate hero combo’. The ‘dynamic duo of the century’, great hero’s and even better friends.
(Maybe more? god.)
At the end of the day, everyone has my back and i have theirs. We learn together, live together, and train together, and i couldn’t imagine my life in any other way than it is. I am thankful for all the people i have and what i have been given in terms of small mercies and miracles.
Holy shit my hands is cramping. How long has it been since i’ve written stuff out like this? Months?
Anyways,
I’ve been here for about 40 minutes writing, and to be honest i feel calm.
Yay Self help and all that bullshit, yk.
Mina is texting me to come down for movie night with the squad, so i’m going to try and hype myself up again before i go so i’m not crazy silent while others try and talk to me.
Could they understand if i let them in?
whatever, i’ll do this tomorrow
bye,
Eijiro Kirishima
ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ