Chapter Text
- No.
The Doctor turned away from where the Ood stood just a moment ago and ran inside his TARDIS. No. No he wouldn’t go just yet, oh no. Why shouldn’t he keep stalling that moment off for decades, centuries, forever if he likes, he who has just changed history-
The pang of shame followed the thought, as piercing as the gunshot still echoing in his head. So much for actually changing history.
Did the Ood know? They tended to, as telepathically attuned as they were. Did they scorn him for his cowardice, for turning away from his fate, for not having the strength that they would just have felt from Adelaide Brooke? Or, would they have sympathised with him, the likelier case with a species which would just take in a man who enslaved and tortured them for who knows how long and look after him?
If so, he couldn’t bear that sympathy, not now. He didn’t deserve it, but more importantly, he didn’t need it-
Another trail of thought cut off by shame. The Doctor staggered across the TARDIS console room, feeling physical nausea at going from overwhelming height of pride and power to suffocating shame. The Time Lord Victorious, indeed.
He started jabbing in coordinates into the console without much thought. He wanted to go somewhere fun and careless, he deserved to go somewhere fun and careless, he needed to go somewhere fun and careless…
It was then that the Doctor felt a painful prickle at his hands and recoiled from the console. He looked at his fingertips – the fingertips which held the power over time itself, this was still true – and saw minor smouldering. He looked at the TARDIS, really looked at her for the first time in a while and realised she was groaning.
The Doctor would want to say he didn’t realise what was happening, but the truth was it was another thing he was just too much of a coward to accept. The TARDIS was scared. Of him. Recoiling and pushing him away, a reaction equally voluntary as automatic.
Fancy telling this to Jack.
- Hey – he reached out to the TARDIS both mentally and vocally, like he was talking down a panicking horse. – Hey, hey, it’s ok, it’s still me…
Why would he need to say that of all things?
- It’s alright, old girl, it really is, I won’t… – won’t what? Won’t force her through another forced changing of timeflow? Won’t give in to the heady pleasure of overwhelming power?
The TARDIS did not recoil from him this time, but neither did she allow him the telepathic connection he always felt at the back of his mind like a soothing balm. How could he have ever realised he lost it if only for a while?
This was less like taming an animal now, and endlessly more like a child begging their parent to stop looking away from them after they got caught bringing a pipe bomb to school.
There was a rapid shake, the buttons and levers on the console moved on their own accord and the Doctor found himself collapsing to the floor as the TARDIS set off on what felt like a really difficult journey. There was a part in that book humans were translating all over the place about pushing a camel through an eye of a needle. Think this, only an elephant.
The shaking finally stopped but the Doctor found himself unable to get off the floor. It felt good. It felt cool against his forehead. He could just curl up here and never leave again. Oh yes, he could. He could do at least that…
He jumped up as another small electric shock was sent across his body.
- Ok, ok, I get it! – he raised his hands as if to show he has no weapons. The door slammed open behind him and for a moment he felt a pang of horror. Was the TARDIS kicking him out?...
- No, not that. Never that – the Doctor felt rather than heard an indescribable voice that could only belong to the TARDIS. He again felt like the child finally getting embraced by their still loving but equally terrified parent. Terrified less by what the child appeared to want to have done than by their own inability to help them. – Just. Think of it as a heavy duty resocialization camp suggested by the school counsellor.
The Doctor huffed a laugh of relief and disbelief.
- As if those ever proved helpful.
- You can’t stand and frankly don’t want sympathy right now, and neither of us can stand what is going on inside you right now. And what you need above all is understanding which I can’t give. So. If the trip hasn’t made it clear, arriving here wasn’t easy on me.
The telepathic connection was again cut off, like a gentle but firm push to go deal with bears having only a toothpick for a week as a remedy for teenage anger issues.
- Thank you – the Doctor whispered and put his coat back on, like an armour, before stepping out of his TARDIS, only to see…
His TARDIS?
Oh, this couldn’t be right, TARDISes should never be put this close to each other, this could result in all sorts of unsavoury timeflow issues…
Unless… one of them was already supporting an enormous timeflow issue. The Doctor took a closer look around and cursed internally. Then cursed externally.
The Valiant. The Paradox Machine. The Master.
The Doctor immediately turned around and tried to pry the TARDIS door open again. It wouldn’t budge, giving him more tough love treatment. He groaned and slumped against it. Then realised the only place he could be in right now, if this bear and toothpick therapy was not to result in reality really unrealising itself. He turned around and walked inside the Paradox Machine.