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Your name is Karkat Vantas. You are six years old, and you are not adorable.
You abhor the way Aunt Porrim pinches your cheeks. You abhor how all of the old ladies in Kankri's book club tell you they could just eat you up, and you can't stand the unfamiliar sensation of "butterflies in your stomach" you get when that cat girl who sits behind you in school makes goo-goo eyes at the back of your head like it's a colorful ball of yarn.
When she gifts you a crayon drawing of the two of you hold hands surrounded by hearts, you decide to take action and solicit profound wisdom from your elder brother. You strike when he is waiting by the microwave for his dinner to heat up, furiously tugging at his pants leg, and waving the picture in the air. In many words, he explains there are "butterflies" in your stomach. You tell him you do not like these feelings, and you want to know how to kill them. He scowls, and tells you they're not real butterflies.
You suddenly understand nothing.
The day Nepeta chooses you to share her candy bar with you, although you didn't ask once and a million other kids were offering her much better just for one piece. You explain your situation to Aunt Porrim. Aunt Porrim snorts and Kanaya can't seem to stop giggling. What's so funny? Porrim tells Nepeta has a "crush" on you. This makes no sense to you because you feel like you're the one who wants to crush something.
A giggling Kanaya leans into your ear and whispers, it means she wants to kiss you. The unsightly shade of red that creeps from your cheeks to your ears only fuels her fits of giggles.
It's clear none of the adult figures in your life are equipped to handle properly this situation. You seek wisdom elsewhere, specifically Kankri´s extensive collection of romantic comedies.
You believe you know how to proceed.
You see Nepeta on the swings, smiling cheerfully as she pumps her legs back and forth. You take a deep breath and puff out your chest.
You run up to the swing and push her off.
You smirk to yourself, proud of your gull. Then, Nepeta starts wailing with tears. Kanaya and Feferi come rushing to her side and start glaring at you.
"What's wrong with you?" Kanaya asks.
Huh? What did you do wrong? Wasn't that how "playground crushes" worked? When a boy likes a girl, they're mean to them. Didn't they get it?
You understand even less.
A large, bulky form eclipses your view of the girls, and you're left standing in Equius' shadow. His beefy arms are crossed, and he's staring down at you with an unamused frown.
You gulp.
Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you're about to be lunch meat.