Work Text:
・❥・Nil
Nil rose from his sleeping bag in the pale sunrise, leaking through the brightly colored polyester he called home. With a dramatic stretch, he wriggled free from the warmth of his nest of blankets and nylon and sat upright. He quickly dressed himself and stepped out into the temperate Canadian morning. Nil’s eyes skirted across the lake, a sigh escaping before his cracked lips. Zipping the tent back up behind him and walking down to the bushes where he hid his things, Nil grabbed for the handles of his bike and started towards the town.
He’d gotten into the habit of waking up early, just to ease his nerves and get a head start on the enemies he had undoubtedly made. It had been a long, dark winter without Dimitri. More so than he’d estimated. It definitely didn’t help his paranoia now that the one person who could stand him was fucking off in Toronto. Out with his new university friends and forgetting all about the shithole he came from. He and Dimitri had called nearly every night the first few weeks, after his classes were over and he was bored doing homework. Then every night turned into every week. Every week slowly melted into a few times a month. Then not at all. Dimitri had hit him with the lame-ass excuse that ‘he was busy with coursework.’ He started ignoring Nil’s calls, so Nil stopped calling. It felt like the better option, not to bother him while he’s out doing something with himself.
Not like him. Still stuck in Pine Point. Dropping out of high school and shoplifting. Just a big nothing.
Winter was finally ending, the thick ice atop the lake cracking and splitting apart to melt into summer. It was only a matter of time before he would come home to visit. He would come to visit, Nil had made sure of it countless times. Not to visit him, though, just to see his family.
Nil peddled faster, standing from the seat racing through the woods. It was a miracle his bike was even still intact after all this time. Reaching the outskirts of town and racing toward its center, they ignored the hard stares they felt on their back and the whispering floating its way to their ears. He wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction. He skidded to a stop in front of Junkie’s convenience and walked inside, letting the bike clatter to the ground outside. Of course, he’d been completely out of money for a week now. Ever since he’d gotten fired from Marco’s for yelling at a customer.
To be fair, it wasn’t entirely his fault. He tried to be patient. That woman had it coming.
Nil bit his cheek, shoving the small chip bag into the dirty fur-lined pocket of his jacket as quietly as he could. This place didn’t have cameras, only mirrors around the corners scarcely glanced at. The owner couldn’t afford it. Well, neither could he. Nil dipped out the front door and raced off on his bike toward the park. They caught the cashier’s judgemental eye as they left, and resisted the urge to flip them the bird.
There wasn’t a single soul left in Pine Point who felt like a person. Momo and Journey were tolerable sometimes. But they weren’t his friends. They only hung around him because they felt bad. Because they needed their singer. And they’d never go out of their way for him, they’d rather be getting stoned in their treehouse.
Not his crowd. Honestly, the band felt hollow after Dimitri left. He was certain that all of their rehearsal time went into meaningless conversation and drugs now.
Stopping the bike with his foot, Nil walked it through the grass and down towards the small, outdated play structure. It was falling apart and rotting, but it was nostalgic in a way. He and Dimitri used to come here all the time when they were little. Now it was abandoned. None of the kids played here anymore.
Nil climbed to the top, sitting propped against one of the cracking wooden walls and taking the chips from his pocket. Aw, yeah. Just saved myself 3 bucks. Tearing the bag open and beginning to eat slowly, Nil grabbed his phone and stared at it for a while, swiping through his notifications absentmindedly.
Until one caught his attention.
Missed call from Dimitri. 6:26am.
His eyes widened immediately, nostrils flaring in alarm. He swallowed the chip in his cheek and dialed him back. Anxiously, he placed the phone to his ear and listened to its shoddy speaker carefully.
Ring, ring…
Ring, ring…
Click.
“Hello?”
“Dee?” Nil felt a smile come to his face for the first time in months. He leaned forward, plugging his other ear with a hand.
“Nil! Good, you finally answered.”
“Dude, what gives? We haven’t talked since New Years.”
“I’m sorry. I really should have called you.”
“Yeah. You should have.” Nil sneered, nose wrinkling as he sniffled. “What happened, did all your fancy Ontario friends finally ditch you?”
“No? The year’s over- it’s my summer now. They’re all probably off visiting family.”
Well, he didn’t deny it. Nil found his knees curling up to his chin, as he continued on. It was weird to hear Dimitri’s voice again, after all this time. “Well, what about you? What have you been up to?”
“Listen, I just called to let you know that I’ll be in town tomorrow. We can catch up then, okay? I’ve got to go.”
“Wait-”
Click.
Nil let his hands come away from his ears, staring at Dimitri’s profile picture for the entire time it lingered on the screen. It turned off automatically, reflecting his own face back at him.
Fuuuuck. Am I dreaming right now?
He lingered on the play structure for a while longer, eating his stolen chips solemnly. Soon this whole thing would be over. Life would be back to normal for those three short months, and he could finally see Dee’s smiling face again.
Yeah.
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・❥・Dimitri
Barreling down the shoddy, under-maintained Canadian highway was Dimitri’s old beat up car. Almost a hundred-thousand kilometers and it still worked like the day he got it, aside from the broken radio Nil had punched in a year ago. He’d never gotten it fixed. If he squinted at it hard enough, he could still imagine the short black-haired boy’s fist tunneling through the mechanisms like it was happening in front of his eyes.
Still, it was impossible not to admit that driving long hours through the untouched wilderness, hundreds if not thousands of kilometers back to Pine Point was made incredibly more drab with just the sound of his own thoughts.
Dimitri glanced at his phone. He did feel bad about hanging up on Nil, but… he’d be seeing him shortly anyways. He didn’t regret hanging out with new people, that wasn't the whole of it. What really nagged at his mind was the ghosting. He’d abandoned his best friend for months shamelessly, ignoring his calls until he stopped calling because he was too busy… what, hanging out at a college bar with his roommates?
It had taken a considerable amount of time for him to realize why he’d ignored Nil all this time. It wasn’t out of malice or annoyance towards the boy, far from it. But simply because… he’d been in love with him for years. And now that he was far away in university, it felt childish to maintain a relationship with him. Leading himself on a little bit at a time, phone call after phone call.
And… one night, he had enough. He’d turned off his ringer, shoved his phone in a box along with all of his memories of Nil and of Pine Point itself, and shoved it under his bed. He wanted to move on so badly. Find someone new, someone who was here in the moment with him who could replace that feeling.
He never did.
He would explain everything to Nil after he got back. Everything. He’d tell him the reason why he never called, and all of the reasons why he was so stupid, and hope for his understanding. Hope for his forgiveness one day.
University all felt like a big blur. Of course, he did make friends. Plenty of them. There was Clarisse Aubennes, a girl he’d met in his art class all the way from Vancouver. Sylas Agnello, his lab partner. Gwen Wilson, who worked at the cafe. None of them felt real. After the semester was over, they became figments of memory. They were all off visiting family, taking internships in the city, traveling the world, independent study… and here he was. Driving back to the small town he hated.
Fuck, Dimitri bit the inside of his lip worriedly. What’s wrong with me? Uni was supposed to be the best thing that happened to me. I was supposed to set an example for all of my siblings, the first in my family to go to college, but I just… I can’t stop thinking about Nil. I wish he was there with me. I wish I wasn’t so caught up trying to balance everything. I wish it wasn’t so hard for me to live up to my parent’s expectations. God, I wish-
Dimitri let out a guttural scream of terror. A white-tailed deer leapt across the roadway and he was going too fast to stop in time. Dimitri heard the tires squealing on the road as he pumped the brakes as hard as he could, the deer stopping to look sidelong at him, run, damn you-
The deer was dead. A bloodied mess on the pavement next to his totaled car. He was a bloodied mess. It hurt so badly, his entire body in an uproar of burning, fiery agony, so intensely real and colorful-
His life flashed before his eyes. Memories from childhood, of his siblings, his family, Pine Point, Lost Lake, playing ice hockey with Nil, Momo, and Journey. At the very end of his life’s story, the memorial slideshow to be played before his death… was Nil’s smiling face the first time they had a successful show, in someone’s basement to a crowd of 6 people. They were shitty and unprepared, nobody cheered for them, but for the first time they had accomplished something. Nil had accomplished something. Behind his dark brown eyes was a flickering hope that, one day soon, he could do something good.
Dimitri laid back down and let the Earth consume him, a bright light appearing in front of his eyes. He started towards it.
See you soon, Nil.
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・❥・Nil
Stirring from sleep, Nil reached for his phone. He hadn’t done that in a while. Flicking it open and ignoring the ‘low battery’ warning, he sifted through his notifications. Nothing.
Kay. Maybe he’s still on the road. He sighed, letting it fall to the ground and stretching in the colored light of the day. It had been a hard night for him, the rekindled hope in his chest made it hard to sleep. Dressing himself and stepping out into the light of the day, Nil let himself admire the sun reflecting off the lake. Soon, it’d be him and Dimitri fishing again on Lost Lake. Just like old times. They’d go get slushies at 2am, the band would be back to normal, and everything would be perfect for 2 and a half months.
That was, of course, until that asshole went back to university. But that was a problem for future Nil. Right now, it was looking up. That was all that mattered.
He hung around the park again today. Just staring at his phone, waiting for a text from Dimitri. He’d plugged it into one of those public-use outlets by the water fountains just to keep it from dying. That one text that would change everything. ‘I’m here.’ it would say. And Nil would run down the block, turn the corner and sprint up that driveway, taking that boy in his arms and laughing. He loved that boy. So much.
But Dimitri wasn’t into boys. He knew that.
He sat waiting.
And waiting.
Patiently.
Before he knew it, the sun was already beginning to set to his left. He was just sitting there, on the edge of the tunnel slide where they used to play, staring at his phone. His cold shaking fingers hovering over the screen.
“Dimitri, where are you…? I’ve been waiting for hours…” They mumbled to themself, looking around the neighborhood. Everything seemed to get colder. He was confused and alone, in the disappearing day. The sun streaked across the sky in an array of oranges and yellows.
Even still, like a dog, he waited patiently. The sun had been long gone in the sky, dim stars twinkling overhead. He laid underneath one of the picnic benches, his phone on the charger beside him. He waited and waited. Surely, any moment now, he’d come.
Nil forced himself up in the bitter cold of the night and peddled down the block to Dimitri’s old house. But he wasn’t there either. He rode like lightning down to Momo’s. Nobody there. Journey’s house. No. Fuck, he searched all over town, trying to find an answer. Anything.
Eventually he was forced to accept the reality that he wasn’t coming. He never was coming, and he never would. Dimitri had played one last joke on Nil, one last sick prank just to piss him off. He could picture it now. Laughing away with his new friends, knowing they’d wasted his time with false promises- how dare he. But why? To look cool in front of the city kids? To tell him once and for all, to “stop calling my phone, I want nothing to do with you anymore now that I’ve made it out of that place?”
Fuck this. Fuck him.
He’d wasted an entire day waiting for a moment that would never come. Hot tears of fury and anger poured down his face- Nil couldn’t remember the last time he cried.
Oh wait. He could. When Dimitri drove off in his car and never came back.
He cried and cried, a scared and lost child with no sympathy left in the world. There was nowhere left for him to go but home. Back to the woods. Fuck Momo and Journey- they were probably in on it. Sickos. Sickos and perverts, all of them. They could all die for all he cared. Them and that whole fucking town. None of it mattered anymore. Someday he’d turn it all to fucking debris.
Nil peddled back into the woods, ignoring everybody’s whispering and concerned murmurs. Whatever it was, he couldn’t give less of a fuck. He threw his bike into the overgrowth and flung himself into the tent, barely bothering to take off his muddy boots before curling into his sleeping bag. Blankets piled over top of him, as he stared hopelessly at his phone.
Nothing.
Despite his wishful thinking, there was nothing. The cold unfeeling lockscreen of him and Dimitri stared back at him mockingly. Fuck. How dare he try to hope. He should have known better than to trust it.
Nil opened his phone again, swiping through the countless photos he had of the group. Not just of him and Dimitri. The band. Momo and Journey, all four of them… together. Preserved through time in a collection of pixels. There were those handful of months where Nil had bleached his hair, a regrettable decision from the moment he washed it off and looked at himself in the mirror of Dimitri’s bathroom. Dimitri helped him cut all of the bleached part off when it grew back. When Dimitri hadn’t dyed his hair in a few months and everyone was surprised to learn his hair wasn’t actually gray. Nil knew. When Momo greened out for the first time, they all panicked. When Journey came in, announcing to everyone that the band had finally secured its first gig. In the basement of the Smolovskis. He still remembered that magical night like it was yesterday.
He resolved to send Dimitri one final message. With tears in his eyes, he sat upright and walked out to the moonlit lake. How beautiful it had been that morning, when hope was still in his heart. Now it was nothing. Nothing to him besides unwanted memories of the past. Nil began to record a voice message, his snot-covered face croaked open, beginning to sob and moan.
“You just had to fuck with me one last time, didn’t you? One last prank before you disappear from my life forever. I hope you know how much you mean to me. I loved you, Dimitri.” A sob escaped him, wiping his tears with the palm of his hand. “I loved you, I love you so much. Fuck.” They whimpered, voice breaking towards the end. They forced themself back together and sniffled. “You want to jerk off in Toronto without me? Fine. Good luck, then.”
He hung up the phone and threw it into the lake.