Work Text:
You’d think it would be the tubes and beeping machines surrounding Hope that would make you feel out of place but somehow these machines settle your nerrves. They confirm that there is still life in her. She is still with you , you’re not alone yet and you know you need to treasure those precious final moments you have with her. There won’t be many more to follow.
One hand is rubbing small circles on the back of the palm of Hope’s hand and the other is clinging on to the cold railing of the hospital bed. You have such a strong hold on the railing that is makes your knuckles turn white and your hand starts hurting. Good. You deserve the pain. After all, it is your fault Hope’s is laying in this hospital bed. It is your fault that Hope will never wake up again.
You regret ever taking her for granted. You regret taking for granted the way Hope could always calm down your nerves with a single smile or how she simply knew when to give you space or when to keep you close. She always knew exactly what you needed, but you didn’t. You know what you need now that it is too late. You need Hope.
“There is nothing we can do for her.” Are the words that are constantly crossing your mind. That is bullshit, is what you had yelled back. And you kind of still believe that. How can this be it? How can this be the end of everything? Hope was strong, healthy so if anyone could survive, it would be her. It should be her. And she would survive, right? She had to. She had to prove the doctors wrong. But if you’re being honest with yourself, you know the doctor was right. Hope isn’t going to recover from this. She isn’t going to wake up, no matter how badly you want her to.
The machines she is hooked onto are the only thing keeping her alive. You wish it was more romantic than that, you wish she was waiting for you to come see her one final time before letting go of life. But you know that is not true. Hope hates you; she made that very clear the last time you spoke to her. And she has every right to hate you.
You move your hand from the railing to her face, touching her gently on her jaw. You laugh at all the memories where you’ve seen Hope’s characteristic jaw clench. She would do it not only when she got mad, but also when she tried to concentrate or was unhappy with either the situation or herself. That clenching jaw brought back memories of the numerous competitions the two of you held, both just as competitive. You always prided yourself with the ability to stuff marshmallows in your mouth, but during one of your ‘friendly’ competitions, it turned out Hope was even better at that. She had smirked at you, pride radiating off of her, standing tall with marshmallow slightly sticking out from the corner of her mouth.
Her skin has turned pale and her eyes are sunken deep into their sockets. She is looking less like herself with every minute that passes by. This woman in this hospital bed is nothing but a shell of who she once was, her face empty of any emotion. Your wife, once so full of life and finally some sense of happiness after years of darkness was gone.
“Hey Hope,” you don’t know why but you start talking, trying to comfort her. You know she can’t hear you but there is nothing else you can do and you want so desperately to help her. “I am so sorry.” You choke out.
Tears start forming in the corner of your eyes. You lay your head on her chest and you bury your face in the crook of her neck, remaining seated in your chair. You feel her heart beating beneath her skin, a sensation so simple and familiar and one that you will never take for granted again.
“Hope, I want you to know that…..” you can’t finish your sentence. You start sobbing as your tears are coming down in a steady stream now. You take a deep breath and swallow before you continue. “I want you to know that being your wife has been the biggest honor of my life. You and I have been through so much, facing so much controversy.” You need her to know just how much she means to you and will always mean to you but you simply lack words.
You notice her breaths have become shallower and fewer.
“I’m sorry I never got to take you on that trip to the Caribbean Islands you have always wanted to go to. I know you would have loved it. I’m sorry for that time I brought snow in to the house to build you a snowman because you were too ill to go outside and enjoy the snow yourself and I ruined your brand new carpet. I’m sorry for the time I crashed your Jeep into the mail box. But seriously Hope, who in their right mind buys a pick-up truck when they’re married to a leprechaun like me. I’m sorry for the time I got impatient and couldn’t wait to open my Christmas presents so I sneaked out late at night to unwrap all the gifts before gently rewrapping them. I’m sorry for all the times I tried to cook for you, probably causing you to have food poisoning on many occasions. I love you blamed it on bad Chinese but we both know it came from my undercooked meat balls. I’m sorry that we will never be able to start our own family. I’m sorry we won’t grow old together.”
Her heart beats are slowing down, growing weaker with every beat.
“But you know what, Hope? I’m not going to apologize for loving you. I’m not apologizing for wanting so spend the rest of my life with you. I’m not apologizing for turning speechless every time I notice just how beautiful you are both inside and out. I’m not apologizing for signing you songs although I know I’m not the best singer in the world and you can deny it all you want but I know you secretly enjoy my songs. You just have that effect on me, Hope. You make me want to sing. And I’m certainly not apologizing for marrying you. That was the best decision I have ever made.”
You take a closer look at her face and realize that this is the first time you have ever seen Hope truly at peace. Hope and you have been on many adventurous trips together but her smile would never truly conceal the hurt, the sadness and the loneliness she has experienced for so long. She was always on edge, always paying attention to her surrounding to make sure there was no one around to take away what she had built up with you. She could never fully relax or enjoy the time you spent together. But now, in this moment, her face is completely relaxed and you swear you can see a faint smile forming at the corners of her mouth. It seems like the weight of the world has been lifted off her shoulders. And somehow despite the circumstances, it makes you happy to see her like this. You sigh deeply, knowing that deep down you need to let her go.
You realize you’re not ready for her to leave you behind, but this is no time for being selfish. You have already been selfish enough. It is time for Hope now.
You move your head closer to her ear.
“I will miss the smell of your clothes. I will miss the way your eyes light up when soccer is mentioned. I will miss watching you sleep. I will miss the way you make my heart race every time you so much as touch me. I will miss your laugh, that laugh is my favorite sound. I will miss you. Hope, honey, it’s fine. You can let go. You don’t have to fight your demons any more. I know you’re tired and I want you to know that it is okay. It’s okay to give in. It’s okay to let go.” You start whispering. “You will finally have the peace you’ve been looking for your entire life. I’m so sorry I couldn’t give you that peace, I’m sorry I couldn’t be your safe heaven. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” You try to reassure her that you’ll be fine while in reality, you’re not so sure.
You stand up from your chair and pull back the covers, making room for yourself next to Hope. You lay your head on her chest once again, wanting this moment to never be over. But it has to end at some point.
“Hope, I want to thank you for all that you have done for me. I know I never deserved you. It is time for me to finally do something for you. It is time for you to be selfish and for me to be selfless. I’m letting you go. It’s okay, we will meet again.”
You lift your head to kiss her, wanting to put every emotion you have in that one last kiss. You want her to feel the love you have and always will have for her. Her lips are cold and while her lips usually respond, they stay motionless this time, not kissing you back.
“I love you.” You say before you lay your head back on her chest as you hear a final breath leaving her body. You hear her heart beat a few more times before it stops. You’re not even crying anymore, knowing she is finally at peace.