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I watch the dawn peep, unwanted, unwelcome, foreign in your room, Hephaistion, and illuminate your brown hair, the scars on your skin....
Those scars I know perfectly well, I know them like my own hands, I was there when you got most of them.
I see you fidgeting, reaching out a hand toward me, and I know you're about to wake up; in a little while you're going to roll over and smile and say my name.
And you'll say it in that way of yours that, by the gods, makes it sound like a prayer, and I'll melt -- as always.
There! Your eyes are opening, your light lashes barely trembling and then slowly uncovering the liquid blue irises still clouded by sleep.
You slowly smile at me, caressing my cheek, and I can't help but return your smile. And you do, you speak my name, almost sounding it out letter by letter, caressing it with your lips, and for a moment, finally, my search ends. I am home.
When you have my name on your lips, Hephaistion I am home.
You call me again when you notice that I am overthinking, and like a listless god being called back by a mortal's prayer, I am called back by you. By your soft lips that are still swollen from my kisses, by your skin that smells of salt and pleasure, by my name on your lips spoken like a prayer.
In these moments it is as if you were the god, the son of Zeus, and I only a foolish mortal who, having heard your voice and glimpsed your perfection, consumed himelf trying to reach you, to grasp you.
But I know that it is not so, that you are the one trying to reach me, to bring me back from unknown boundaries, from unexplored places.
You are my salvation. You who only by speaking my name can bring me back, back to reality and you.
For once, however, I would like to be the one to take you where I am, to make you see what I see, completely, so we would both be lost and no one would have the power to call us back from this world of dreams.
However, when I feel the warmth of your body pressed to mine, I know that I can’t. You belong to this reality, and if the two of us were lost here, there would be no one left to worry about this great empire.
You call my name again, this time with a worried note, I’m sorry Hephaistion, sorry, but I just can't pay attention when those icy eyes of yours engulf me. I get lost in my thoughts, I seem to fall, precipitously, unrestrained, with no chance of salvation.
Despite this, I am happy. In the sense of emptiness there is no fear, there is no sadness. On the contrary, I feel elated, in losing myself in your eyes I see the reflection of the strength you see in me, and I am able to live up to your expectations: yours and everyone else's.
Have I ever told you that I wish the only word that came from your lips was my name?
I would always feel this flying sensation you arouse in me when you say my name, in that way of yours that makes it so different, so irresistible.
Hephaistion, do you know why I love the eagle so much?
Because it is like her that I feel when I hear the prayer hidden in my name. Flying does not seem impossible when I hear your voice, when I feel your caresses and your warmth.
Many say my name, some with angry voices, furious even, some imploring me of miracles I cannot perform, and others with voices that hide desire, but I do not care when yours is there, when you are there.
You are the brightest star in the firmament for me. Even when you whisper, even when you murmur in the intimacy of these sheets, your voice covers all others, drawing my attention completely
I caress those silken, coral lips as you still whisper my name, a sweet chant, a lullaby, a prayer.
You do it with the earnest concentration of a child learning to walk or a boy learning to love.
Everything begins to disappear, in the sound of your voice. Reality slowly crumbles merging with the remnants of the dream.
Or is it the dream that becomes part of reality?
I don't know, I don't know Hephaestion but I don't care. I would give anything to live this dream with you forever, until the sun stops rising and the gods become mortal.
Tell me Hephaestion, can I keep you locked here, in this room for eternity?
Can I hide you from everyone, even from the sun and moon, and keep you just for myself?
Can I keep for myself your soft lips, these hands that can bring me to my knees, this body that has fought a thousand battles and resembles that of a god, these eyes that have stolen a piece of the sky, and this voice that is the sweetest of melodies?
I am jealous...oh gods Hephaistion, you have no idea how jealous I am of you, of every look you get, of every word your lips utter, of every time your eyes are not pointed to mine.