Archive of Our Own

In life, there is only one thing that is certain, and that is that we'll all die. There are millions of people who die every single day, many from natural causes, others from illness, from homicides, and every year, the numbers for suicide increase. Every life, in every country, in every state and city are just numbers in a world wide database. I'm just a number.

It doesn't mean that you don't matter though, because we're all numbers to strangers, but to our close ones, we are worth so much and it's heartbreaking when you lose people. I've gone to many funerals, which is not common because who would expect for everyone around you to die? I guess I do now.

My father died when I was 14. He was a cold man, he didn't bother to have a relationship with me, even though I was his only son. He was cold towards my mother as well, although he would show affection in different ways, such as gifting her things every now and then. My mother loved him so much, but to me, he was a mere stranger who lived in the same house I did. After his funeral, my mother lost sense of reality and she stopped taking care of herself. She didn't cook, or clean, or bother to bathe for weeks on end. I took over those tasks, after all there was nothing else I could do but help.

Cleaning became a habit, it became routine and it was peaceful when my mother was sleeping. I learned to cook as well, and I will admit that it's something I take much pride in. I cooked for my mom every day, I would make her favorite dishes, but she never really ate. She lasted this way for a few months, my aunts and uncles ended up having to help with paying bills, rent, and groceries.

When my mom snapped out of it, she became mean. There was once a beautiful soul in her, she was kind, caring, and warm. She would call me her baby, never did she call me Hajime. My mother, who was once an angel, was now a mean person filled with anger. She was cold, she didn't care, and she wasn't kind anymore. The tasks that were once in favor for her became chores and if they weren't completed, I'd get punished for it. My mother became a really angry person. She was always mad, her eyes always cold and never did she call me her baby after his death. She called me boy. She became neglectful, a little abusive as well, but she was still my mother and I sympathized with her.

When I was 16, my aunt died. My mom has shut everyone out and when the news came, she didn't care. I, on the other hand,  cared so much. She was my favorite aunt, my mother figure, she was the woman who took care of me and was there for me when no one else was. She died from an asthma attack. When I attended her funeral, I was all alone and I cried so much. I believe that was the first time I had ever cried in front of anyone.

After her funeral, I was walking back home when I met someone who I now consider a close friend.

"Oh sorry! I didn't see you there, I apologize!"

"It's fine."

He had very short hair and it was a light brown. He went to the same school as me and was on our schools volleyball team. I had always wanted to join but my mother wouldn't allow it, although I was really good at it.

"I'm Takahiro Hanamaki, you go to Aoba Johsai right?"

"Yes. I'm Iwaizumi Hajime."

"Yeah I know who you are."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you're that really weird kid who's always alone."

Figured. I was a quiet kid and never really spoke to anyone. I didn't have any friends either since people were never interested in me.

"Thanks for that Hanamaki."

"Call me Maki, and bro are you good? It looks like you've been punched in both your eyes with how swollen they are. And why are you in a fancy suit- oh."

He fell silent as I looked down at the ground.

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thanks."

That was when I met Maki. He later introduced me to Issei Matsukawa who became my close friend as well. This was all a few years ago though so it's not that important. Since then, multiple people have died. My aunts daughter overdosed after her mom passed. My uncle from my dad's side was in a car crash, my uncle from my mom's side passed away from cancer, my other cousin was killed during an accidental shooting, my neighbour who would come over a lot whenever my mom was having a hard time also passed. He went in his sleep. Death was surrounding me.

Now it was my mother. I'm currently 25 and my mom has died. Her immediate family is here, which only includes her brother and her last sister. My fathers parents also showed up and my mother's assistant. My mother ended her life. Since she's gone, I don't really have anything to do in this life anymore. I went to college and studied a lot to become an athletic trainer. I had my degree but I didn't want to do anything. I used to cook and clean and take care of my mother, that was my job, but now that she's gone, I'm just here without a purpose.

When my mom died, I didn't cry. Did it hurt? Yes, after all she was the last person I had who was immediate family. Now that she's gone, I really have no purpose to live. I can't take care of anyone, I'm all alone, without a job or family. I didn't become a famous volleyball player as I had dreamed when I was younger, now I was just a number in society.

"I'm so sorry for your loss man."

"It's fine, just another death."

"She was your mother though, I know it must be hard on you."

"I guess so."

Maki, Matsun, and I were at a small diner. My mother had already been buried and now I was trying to just go where the wind took me. In this case, it was a Korean Barbeque place.

"You know Hajime, you should become the athletic trainer for the Japan national team. It would be pretty fucking awesome."

"I guess. I don't even know if I'd be accepted to apply though. Besides, I probably would need to work with a different team before then."

"You know, I know a guy who is actually in need of a personal athletic trainer. He tends to overwork himself."

"Are you talking about Kawa, Maki?"

"No fucking shit"

"Who?"

"Oikawa Tooru. He went to high school with us, he was the captain of the volleyball team. He's playing for Argentina's national team."

"Oh wow. He made it big."

"Yeah, do you remember him?"

"I don't. I don't think I ever interacted within him. Quite frankly, I don't even remember what he looks like."

"Ill give him a call if you're willing to take it."

"Yeah I'll take it."

Matsun got up and went outside the restaurant to make the call. If I'm honest, I didn't care much about anything so doing something like getting a job wasn't a big deal. If I died tomorrow and I didn't get to do the job, I wouldn't care. It wouldn't have mattered.

I'm walking this earth aimlessly. There's nothing here for me and I don't feel much these days. There's nothing exciting about life. There's no purpose in living but I'm not taking my life either since it's not that big of a deal. I have no purpose in living, but I also have no business in killing myself, it wouldn't do anything.

I must've been zoned out completely and starring into space since Maki had to poke my hand with his chop sticks to get me to pay attention again.

"Pay attention idiot!"

"Sorry, what happened?"

"I was explaining to you the type of person that Oikawa is so that you're prepared to face him. He can be a lot to deal with."

"I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Hajime, Hajime, Hajime *tch* you're so unbothered most of the time, but trust me when I tell you that he is quite literally a train wreck waiting to happen. He had a knee injury back in high school but even then he continues to overwork himself and I just don't want him breaking something."

"I understand. I can deal with him."

Maki continued to ramble on as Matsun made his way back to our table.

"I have some good news! Oikawa said he's willing to be open to the idea of you helping him!"

"Open to the idea?"

"Matsun probably had to threaten him into accepting."

"I love how you know me babe, thats exactly what I did."

"When should I fly out?"

"You can start as soon as tomorrow or next week, just let me know so I tell him. You'll need his number as well."

Matsun took my phone and wrote down Oikawa's number into it. I was contemplating my options and since there's nothing here for me, I decided I'd fly out Thursday night and begin working on Saturday with him. I just needed time to pack my things and buy the ticket. I had some inheritance money that both my parents had left behind and I used it to buy my ticket and had enough money to settle down over there.

While packing, I found a letter underneath a photo that had fallen on the ground from the day my mother died. It was a picture of me, my father, and my mother. I packed the photo and the letter which was addressed to me. I had no time to open and read it, besides, I didn't want to feel sad in the case that it was. I packed my clothes and cleared out the house and took everything to a storage unit. I would be renting out the house that was left under my name to people who'd then pay me rent and would be my income for a while.

On Wednesday, Maki and Matsun had taken me out to a club to drink and celebrate one last time before I went off to Argentina. It was fun and for them, it was pretty emotional. They said they'd go out to visit whenever they could and had enough money and they made me promise to visit them as well. When we went home for the night, I crashed at their place and drank a ton of water for my hangover to not be too bad.

The next morning, I drove back to my house, collected all my things and then they drove me to the airport. We all said goodbye and hugged and I got on the plane. It would be a few hours till I landed so I decided to pass the time by sleeping.

"Hey, it's me. The plane landed, do you think you could call your friend and ask him if he's here or coming to pick me up?"

"Don't you have his number?"

"Well yes but he doesn't have my number so I don't want to be some stranger calling him and asking him if he's here or what he looks like."

"Ugh fine. I'll call him and tell him. Where do you want to meet him?"

"I'm near a Starbucks so I guess here?"

"He has an addiction to Starbucks so he'll agree. I'll call him and tell him. I'll talk to you later."

"Alright thank you. Bye."

I hung up the phone and sat at a table which was intended for two people right next to the Starbucks. Maki sent me a message saying "he's wearing a hot pink shirt and some black shorts." I began looking around and didn't see anyone so I looked down at my phone and began typing once more before I heard some commotion at the Starbucks line.

"Yahoo! Can I get a Venti Ribbon crunch Frappuccino with heavy cream instead, and a ton of caramel drizzle over the whipped cream?"

I looked at the guy, he was Oikawa for sure since he was wearing a pink shirt and black shorts. He was wearing dark sunglasses which looked ridiculous since we were indoors. His hair was pretty long, it was curled from the bottom and was very fluffy. He was tall, he was slim but had a masculine build. He stood to the side waiting for his Starbucks order and I couldn't see his face, but I decided to wait for his drink to come out before I went up to him.

"Hey, are you Oikawa Tooru?"

"Hey, so listen, I'm in my Lazy outfit today and I just really would appreciate it if you didn't ask for a picture. I'm just really not interested, I hope you understand.

What a fucking prick.

"That drink contains a shit ton of sugar which isn't good for your body. You shouldn't be drinking that Mr. Lazykawa."

"Wow. That was so rude! Especially when I don't even know your name or who you are!"

"Well if you hadn't been all caught up being a classic pretty boy prick, you would know. I'm Iwaizumi Hajime, Maki and Matsun's friend."

Oikawa tilted his glasses down and looked me up and down. His eyes were light brown, maybe even gold. When he came to the realization of who I was, he made a stupid face and began apologizing.

"I'm so sorry! It really wasn't my intent to sound like a dick, I'm just always getting bombarded with requests for selfies."

"It's whatever, can we possibly go?"

He nodded and we began walking to the airport exit where there was a fancy car waiting for us. I loaded all my things and thus the journey began.

When we got to the apartments, I asked if there was a hotel nearby since I didn't have a lease on an apartment quite yet but he insisted that I stay with him since my apartment would be getting set up soon. I agreed after a lot of pressure and persistence from him and we walked up to his place.

"So how did you meet Maki and Matsun?"

"I crashed into Maki on a random day after I had gone to a funeral and later on he introduced me to Matsun."

"Oh wow, who died?" Oikawa asked that with such a careless tone and if anything, it sounded more nosey than sympathetic.

"My aunt who I was close to."

"Oh well that sucks, sorry about that."

"It's fine."

Oikawa got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen while he placed his empty starbucks cup in a trash bin.

"Would you like some tea or coffee?"

"Could I possibly get water instead?"

"Yeah, I'll get you a bottle."

Oikawa walked back to the couch and he sat down while handing the bottle to me. He was a strange man. Something about him really caught my attention, and I wasn't sure why. He was different from others and didn't really pity me in the way everyone else did when I'd talk about someone dying. It gave me a sense of relief.

"Do you have a training plan? Or something that I could get as a reference?"

"Nope! I freeball it most of the time."

The way Oikawa said it was so nonchalant and he gave a smirk which irritated me to the max. It's only been a few hours and he's irritated me more than anyone ever has in my entire life. I never get irritated or feel any sort of emotion, but with him it was different. He made me feel something, even if it was irritation. This was a new feeling and it made me feel a bit uneasy.

It had been a couple of weeks of me working with Oikawa. Although he was my client, he had also become my friend and we had gotten pretty close. He was a pain in the ass most of the time as well, but I had grown comfortable and started to care for him.

We would have deep conversations with each other and he was quite a personality. He told me about his problems and convinced me to tell him about mine, which I don't really have any besides the fact that everyone is always dying.

"Wow Iwa-chan, I think you're cursed."

"What????!"

"I mean listen, if that many people have died around you this often, I think you might be cursed completely. Just promise me you won't pass it to me because I really can't deal with that."

"You're so stupid, there's no such thing as curses."

"Well actually, that's where you're WRONGG!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are! I'm usually always right Iwa!"

"You're stupid is what you are."

He made me happy and that was something that I hadn't felt ever. Everything was always so uniform for me, nothing ever changed and it would always be a cycle and then I met this dumbass who changed my world so much that I now know to expect the unexpected.

One person can completely change your life.

"Dude it sounds like you like Oikawa!"

"I don't even know how it feels to like someone so it's probably not that!"

"I agree with Maki, I know he's usually dumb but I think you might like him."

"Well how does it feel to like someone? I mean how did you two know that you liked each other?"

"The first time I ever saw Matsun, I knew he'd be my husband one day. It was just love at first sight for me."

"For me, it was quite the opposite. I was pretty much oblivious for the longest time until Maki got really pissed off one day and confessed accidentally. He didn't notice but I did and I ended up falling in love with him."

"Well I don't know how I feel but it's probably not a crush."

Maki and Matsun were on FaceTime with me and I had been explaining how it was going with Oikawa. As we were talking, my word was thrown wide open and there came in Oikawa with a box of takeout and a wine bottle.

"Iwa-channnnn!"

"Hey guys, I have to go. Oikawa came back with some takeout. I'll talk to you guys soon.

"He definitely likes Oikawa."

"And I'm almost 100% sure that Oikawa liked him."

"Hey Kawa, can I ask you something?"

"Sure!"

Oikawa was on his third glass of wine and Iwaizumi had only had one. Oikawa was starting to get a bit tipsy but he held his alcohol down well so he was still there in the right sense of mind.

"Have you ever liked anyone?"

"Are you kidding? You're talking to THE king of broken hearts from high school. I had a ton of girlfriends."

"You've only dated girls?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Have you ever liked a guy?"

"Multiple, yes, why are you asking?"

"How did you feel when you liked them? Or how did you know?"

"Well I think it's different for everyone. Each person has their own way of feeling things and personally, when I feel things for someone I get a warm fuzzy feeling, like my world stops whenever they're around and I'm comfortable. Have you ever liked someone?"

"I've never liked anyone, but I think I might like someone? I'm not sure. Maki and Matsun are convinced I do."

"Well what do you feel?"

"I feel things. I've never been one to feel any sort of emotion but this person has made me feel all types of things. When I'm around them I feel comfortable, and like I'm home. I feel warm when I'm with them, even if it's cold, and being with them always feels right. To me, the person glows which apparently isn't normal for people who don't 'like' them."

"Iwa-chan.. Who is this person?"

"Well I'm not sure about anything and it might not even be anything so there's no point in saying anything."

Oikawa was looking at Iwaizumi with some puppy dog eyes and he was getting closer and closer to Iwaizumi. The closer he got, the warmer Iwaizumis face would get and the redder it became.

"What are you doing?"

"Iwa-chan, could this person possibly be.. Me?"

Iwaizumi looked deeply into Oikawa's eyes and he nodded. Oikawa blushed and Iwaizumi did as well.

"If you're not convinced, maybe this could give you an answer."

Oikawa slowly leaned into Iwaizumis face. While he slowly closed the distance, he looked into Iwaizumis eyes and then down at his lips. He planted a soft kiss on Iwaizumis lips. Oikawa's lips were soft and they were sweet. He slowly pulled away while remaining close to Iwaizumis face.

"How did that make you feel?"

Iwaizumi leaned in again and he kissed him again, and again, and again.

"Well shit, I think I like you Tooru."

Everything had been going well, Iwaizumi and Oikawa were dating and they were more in love than anything. Iwaizumi continued to work with Oikawa and he would make sure he wouldn't over-exhaust himself and that he would be careful with his knee. He has finally found a purpose to live, a reason to continue living and to live for himself, to live not because he had to, but because he wanted to.

Although everything was going really well, he began to feel a sense of dread. It was a dread that was caused for no reason and would come randomly. It was random at times and when it happened, he would be scared for Oikawa and take extra good care for him.

"Kawa?"

"Yeah?"

"I really love you."

"I love you too, but why are you telling me now?"

"I'm not sure, I just feel like I don't say it enough."

Oikawa walked over to him and planted a small kiss on his cheek before going back into reading a book about aliens.

Iwaizumi got up and walked over to his nightstand where he had the picture of his parents and him. He remembered the letter which he had found almost a year ago and opened the drawer the letter was in and decided to read it.

Normally he wouldn't have ever wanted to read it but since he was a lot more empathetic, he felt the need to do so, as if he owed it to his mother. He took the letter in his hand and walked back to Oikawa who was still reading him book. He sat down and opened the letter and began reading it.

Dear Hajime,

If you're reading this letter, it probably means that I'm gone. I'm really sorry my son, I really tried, I tried so hard for you. I know recently showing affection hasn't been my strong suit and I know that you probably hate me even. I'm writing to you because I don't know how to talk to you or show you how much I genuinely care about you, I truly do love you baby. You're the best gift that God has ever given me and I'm so thankful for you.

After your father died, it became a lot harder to deal with anything and everything. I started to shut people out, which included you. I'm so, so sorry. I hope you know that I took note in what you'd do for me and I genuinely don't think I could've survived without you. You are such an angel and you deserve the very best of everything. Thank you for always being there for me, for getting help for me when I needed it, for talking to me for hours in order to convince me to get in the shower, I really am so grateful my son.

I know that this letter probably won't do much, and I know you probably aren't mourning for me since I wasn't there, and I'm sorry. I purposely pushed you away, I just couldn't go on. You didn't know your father that well but I did and he was the most amazing husband to me, and he cared a lot for you as well. He just had a hard time expressing it due to your grandparents on his side. I pushed you away because I didn't want you to feel horrible or cry when I passed. My sister passing affected you so much and I didn't want that for you.

I really tried, I tried so hard to remain here. I wanted to see you achieve your dreams, and I'm sorry if I took any away. I'm sorry for not letting you play volleyball, I was just scared of being alone. I'm so sorry Hajime. I really did want to stay, but I was so tired. I was tired of not seeing your dad when I woke up, of waking up to an empty bed, it was a void that couldn't be filled or ignored. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed me.

I'm sorry that I took my life and left you alone, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to sleep and to see your father again. I'm really sorry my love, I hope you can forgive me. I love you so so much. I love you to the moon and back, I love you more than anything in every galaxy, in every life. I love you and I never stopped loving you so never doubt it. I hope you find a beautiful love, whether it's a man or woman. I will forever love you endlessly and I will be watching over you the best I can.

- Love, mom.

Tears dripped down Iwaizumis face as he finished reading the letter. Oikawa looked over at him since he was breathing heavily. Iwaizumi let out a weep which immediately made Oikawa hug him. Iwaizumi cried into Oikawas chest and he cried out to him about his mom.

"She loved me! She loved me and she said my dad loved me and I didn't even cry! I didn't cry at her funeral! What type of son am I? I'm such a heartless monster!"

"Shhhh, it's okay, don't say that.. You're not heartless Hajime, you're a caring person. Don't ever say that about yourself."