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the existence of a person never really mattered much to mister reca, but every time he's in penacony, unwanted thoughts plague his mind and make him doubt the progress of his work.
why is that? because throughout his career as a director, you were the only person who'd ever made him feel inhibition. he rarely questions his ingenuity, but the amount of times you’ve shut down the idea of working with him has gotten to him. no matter how much the industry praises him or how plenty his options are for actors to work with… he finds it hard for it all to matter because you are always out of reach.
from time to time, he wonders why you haven't graced him with your generosity. throughout the cosmos, you are known as someone who's eager to work with everyone. he seems to be an exception to that though, despite him being the only person capable of bringing you to even greater heights.
he can turn the times you'll share into a memory whose glow will never diminish, preserve the brilliance of your legacy, and ensure that you will still be revered thousands of years from now. he can do everything for you and he will — if only you let him and oh, how close he is to begging the aeons above for you to change your mind.
「 —director, the script for this scene has already ended. how should we proceed? 」
the question was a distant echo amongst his reverie, but he managed to hear it. this is exactly why he doesn't want to be in penacony... nevertheless, he holds back a frown; feigning a smile and pretending everything is under control is much easier than ever letting anyone know about the matters of his heart.
『 is that so? let's move to the next set then. i didn't mean to space out, i was just thinking about how to improve our lead’s performance. 』
he says casually, still recovering from his trance, that's why a lie that isn't given much thought will be picked up quickly.
usually, it's easy for him to express his dissatisfaction with actors, but this time it isn't; the issue doesn't lie with anyone here, but with himself. by no means is the actor second-rate, it's just that no one else is better suited for this role than you. regardless of his or the crew's efforts to make this movie succeed, the outcome won't ever be satisfactory because it is devoid of you.
「 you often say that, director. while i trust your expertise, i- i feel like you're being unfair to me. everyone knows that you wanted (name) for this role, but they turned you down again. even so... you can't treat me like a last resort! i auditioned for this role and managed to win your approval, so- so you should act like it. 」
the actor has a point and he expected that as his response was given carelessly, yet he couldn't help the rising feeling of irritation. it wasn't the kind that makes him want to lash out, but the kind that makes him want to run away because if he let himself feel anymore of this, it would lay bare everything else.
there is this hollow that gradually permeates his heart. as a director, he is a master of emotions, so his emotions must not master over him, they never should. yet, he never dared to name the feeling behind this hollowness and shrugged it off, acting as if it didn't exist because he never expected this from himself... to be unable to accept the fact — the reality — that there is a light he can never capture.
a memokeeper’s purpose is to collect and treasure memories, but what is there to treasure if he can never obtain a memory of you? such a question is preposterous. it's something a memokeeper should never think of because even though countless factors separate memories, at the end of the day, they all give meaning to the life of the universe and above all, this meaning can be found everywhere. it's just that none of them can compare to you…
countless phenomena exist across the boundless cosmos, but do they matter when all he wants is to just focus on you a single, rare, unparalleled phenomenon?
『 i… didn't intend to come off like that. i've also given feedback about your fellow actors’ performance, but i do apologize if that made you feel like your hard work isn't appreciated. 』
he smiles, but it feels crooked and he sounds unconvincing.
he really isn't himself these days.
『 —why don't we end filming for today and reflect on this matter? 』
the suggestion was abrupt, it was a poor attempt to prevent the situation from escalating, but thankfully everyone agreed. the first to leave was the lead actor, then the rest followed shortly after and as the set became empty, he felt the fissure in his relationship with the crew widen even more. it was akin to the fissures present throughout the planet threatening to shatter the sweet dream, just like how the quality of his work is being threatened for the first time...
"why don't you grab a drink and clear your mind?"
with a croak, his reliable and helpful assistant offered just before he was about to spiral into his thoughts. with that, he was reminded that he isn't facing this alone — that he has someone… and as her presence slowly made him feel at ease, he gave her a smile.
.
.
.
when entering and leaving the dreamscape, it's normal to experience fatigue and other weird sensations in the body, even for beings like him. however, the sensation he felt this time when he traveled back to reality was… new? he received the impression that he wasn't allowed to leave the dreamscape and that somehow — even if the lobby looks different — he is still in the dream.
it wasn't an unwelcome idea to explore what just happened to him, but for now… he needs a break.
so, he allows himself to watch the waves of colorful fireworks that constantly soared to adorn the dark sky. it excited the few guests waiting for the charmony festival in the lounge. such a delightful and serene moment should be recorded, especially since this celebration only happens once an amber era, but he couldn't bring himself to get his camera and photograph the scene in front of him.
the planet of festivities has been quite dull for a while now… will the world golden dream ever shine for him again?
he shakes his head at that and reminds himself that he is here to unwind, so he heads to the reverie’s bar. although without the bustle of the people, his thoughts resurfaced easily and more clearly this time; who knew that quietness could be so unsettling?
he hasn't known peace during his stay here, but perhaps this drink in front of him could help? it was alcoholic to an extent, maybe the bartender noticed his dejection. unfortunately, he isn't affected by such a substance; still, he appreciates the thought, but that sentiment immediately changed when the bitterness of the beverage settled on his tongue. it made him grimace slightly as its taste evoked the words he is unable to say and are only able to wait at the tip of his tongue.
「 oh, you're here! 」
his ears perked up, that sound was something he had memorized a long time ago. he rarely hears your voice like that, so joyful because of the relief brought upon seeing someone dear to you. even if it wasn't addressed to him, it was still pleasing to hear… for just a second, the accumulated bitterness from the days that passed dissipated as a faint smile made its way on his face.
he wanted to see just who you spotted to make you cheerful, but he remembered how your mood quickly sours with him around, so he just shifted awkwardly on his seat and stared at the rim of his half-empty glass.
…until a hand waved in front of him, which made him look up.
the first thing he saw was a pair of gleaming eyes, then a soft smile and the phantom of his heart swelled. you were beside him, leaning your body, so you could meet his line of sight — this is the closest you two have ever been.
「 is something wrong, mister reca? 」
you asked before stepping away to sit on the stool next to his. there was an unusual genuineness in your worry and there was also how you said his name. he has never heard his name be uttered like that before... it sounded nice… it sounded so right coming from you. not once did he think that it was possible for you to say it so tenderly.
『 hm, i should be the one asking you if something is wrong. you've never approached me like this. 』
he replied impassively, trying to remain unfazed.
「 it's still weird even now, huh? i understand... i used to avoid you, but we've been working on our relationship! so, why don't we get over this tension soon? 」
you said with a friendly smile as you fidgeted with your fingers. there's embarrassment in your expression, but your conviction was more evident.
however, as much as this moment was to his liking, he wonders what you meant by that. you never gave him the chance nor did you ever take the initiative to be on better terms with each other. when you visited the set to extend assistance as a representative of the iris family, you didn't talk to him at all or maybe you did…?
he didn't dwell too much on it though, noticing how you're still waiting attentively for him to answer your question. despite that, the absence of your animosity still feels so odd that he thinks something is amiss, but he dismissed it and instead tried to enjoy this instance where he is able to be in your presence for once.
he let his eyes linger on you. the human mind is fickle after all, maybe tomorrow… how you two are right now won't be the same.
nothing is everlasting.
on the surface, such truth is disheartening, but after getting past that, there is cherishing because this means that each moment is the same; fleeting, yet important, and recurring. yes, they can never be replicated no matter how similar they are, but because of this there is beauty in remembering and meaning to the garden's pursuit of collecting memories. while to mortals, it becomes a reason to keep living as the innumerable and inimitable encounters they are fated to have will ameliorate the ache that comes with the ephemeral essence of life.
so, he takes a deep breath before he begins to share his problem with you. maybe someday… he won't have to worry about not being like this with you.
『 i've… always wanted you to star in one of my projects and the movie we're making this time is just perfect for you. i couldn't get that out of my mind and it affected the way i treated the lead we have, which is unreasonable... even for me. 』
he scoffed in disbelief as he muttered the last part because since when did his films rely on someone else?
「 ah, i'm sorry... but don't worry! next time, i promise i’ll finally be your lead. 」
you assure and he feels even more of the comfort you're offering when you placed your hand above his that gripped the glass. the disappointment he felt with himself relented and his grasp around the glass loosened. he tried to hold your fingers and when you didn't retract them, it gave him the courage to look at you and believe in your words. he doesn't know how this is possible, but it's as if the alcohol took effect; he feels warm. if he still had his human heart, no doubt that blood would've rushed to his cheeks and that his heart beat would've accelerated.
…
so this feeling can never be suppressed nor will it ever go away, huh?
this feeling seems like it has always been with him.
with no beginning and with no ending, what does he do with it?
but is this even worth wondering when all of this does not matter?
『 thank you… i truly appreciate your words, but i’ll be fine. i can manage on my own, i'm me after all! 』
he tried to say with his usual complacency, but the assurance came off sounding more for himself than for you.
『 i’ll be at the lobby. perhaps the fireworks and the festive atmosphere are what i need to lighten up my mood and get me out of this predicament… 』
he stood up and gave you a smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. his hand let go of yours and you tried not to pay attention to how it stung your heart.
there was melancholy in his eyes and it almost made you call out to him again, but what more can you do when it's evident that there is a depth to his problem that you can never know? nonetheless, as your eyes followed his silhouette, the thought of not wanting to give up crossed your mind. you're already here, you've already started to reconcile with him, so why not push things forward a little further and move farther away from the past?
even if there is this voice that insists that this is all just wishful thinking, even if you feel like you're going to be pushed away, even if you might be rejected again like all those years ago…
you want to try, you don't want to run away anymore.
.
.
.
you saw mister reca standing by the railing of the lobby and how the kaleidoscopic dazzle of the fireworks reflected on the metallic walls of the hotel and colored it, outshining the luminescence of the stars above.
「 the fireworks are quite loud, hm? but somehow, i feel at peace when watching them, especially if it's with someone. i wish… we can always see them together from now on. 」
you stand beside him at arm's length and he turns to you slightly. your expression was wistful and almost crestfallen, a contrast to how you are earlier, but he doesn't dislike it. he feels as though you're putting down your walls around him, that you're letting him know that he's not the only one troubled by something and that... makes the view in your eyes alluring. both the fireworks and the emotions it reflected looked like a painting of your heart — something he has always longed to see — and as that yearning bloomed in his empty chest once more, he wishes as well that the two of you can forever be just like this…
you took a deep breath and you faced him, you were supposed the speak again, but he promptly pulled you into a hug. the words in your mouth disappeared with a gulp and your whole body froze. the crackling of the fireworks became distant and was replaced by your thundering heartbeat. even though you've waited for and wanted this moment, you are unable to show it.
this was a sudden urge... he had always hoped for the two of you to share an embrace, ideally after finishing a project together or under a sunlit blue sky, but at least now he finally has a memory with you — of you. at last, that light is in his hands, but he isn't prepared to hold it. he feels stiff, awkward, as if he's doing everything wrong, but he hopes the love he traces on your back is able to make up for it.
his touch tickled you and it made you laugh, it spread a warmth throughout your body that allowed you to move and recipeocate the gesture. at that, his lips broke into a sappy smile, giving him the push he needed. even if none of this matters, this might be his only chance to tell you, so he's going to take it. his hands stopped moving and he placed them on your sides, then he whispered delicately, as if telling an age old secret,
『 i… love you. 』
it was said so quietly. had the fireworks not ceased at the right time, you wouldn't have heard it. he loves you, huh? is that really true?
— it’s time to go.
it's that persistent feeling again. he closes his eyes at that and he holds you tighter because what if the next second you're already gone? he doesn't want to go back, but he has to. he can feel this moment ending and slipping away, if only he had the power to keep a dream going… though what would be the point of that? even if dreams hold certain truths, even if they do reflect reality — in the end, dreams are just selfish desires that will never be shared by the person you're dreaming of.
no matter how much he refuses to live in a world where the two of you can't be together, it is unavoidable, in spite of how much he longs to keep you in his life and disregards the fact that you never wanted to be in it in the first place.
meanwhile, you try to fight against his firm hold around you because you want to see him. you want to know if he truly means it, you want him to tell you why, and most of all, you want to say it back too, but just when you finally broke free from his grasp, everything turned into white.
.
.
.
.
.
.
when mister reca opened his eyes, the world was black for a moment, then everything returned one by one in the way they were before — in the way they should be. which means he now has to go back to how the two of you really are...
in the corner of his eyes, he saw the familiar frame of an old partner and taking notice of how he's come back to his senses, she began to explain to him the events that transpired which led to everyone falling into the dream of a deceased aeon. so, his suspicion was correct… what he experienced wasn't real. at that time, he just didn't have an answer as to how such a thing could happen. that's why he originally planned to linger in the dream to search for answers.
but more importantly, what about you? were you somehow dragged into the fight like what happened with the galaxy rangers and the astral express?
「 you don't have to worry, you know how they are. they'll be fine. 」
his attention instantly returned to the woman clad in violet, who now had a cheeky smile on her face. he sighed and his face changed into an expression of defeat. no one else can know about this attachment and so, it's time to wrap up his matters in penacony and try to start moving on.
.
.
.
it was easier said than done…
a day after the incident, you visited the set on behalf of the oak family to explain what had happened and helped to provide aid to them, but it didn't end there. for the next following weeks, you regularly checked up on them and even made small talk with him. how you treated him now was so different compared to when they first came here.
what does it mean?
surely, you couldn't have shared the same illusion as him, so now you're actually trying to mend your relationship?
but if not that, what else could it mean?
all he's ever wanted is your acceptance and for the two of you to be okay with each other, yet a part of him thinks that you're only doing this out of pity and guilt because you don't feel the same way; he doesn't want to accept your effort if you're just doing it because of that. while the other part is… afraid. you are aware of how he feels and even though he confessed to you, he still hasn't completely accepted this affection. there should never be shame in feeling love, but the same cannot be said for him.
memokeepers constantly move to other worlds, it's a given that they shouldn't be bound to something, let alone someone. it's okay to feel, just not to be bound to that feeling, yet how can that be when love is the strongest form of attachment? it makes one do all sorts of things just to please the feeling, but that is something he cannot do lest he wants to fail in fulfilling his responsibilities.
「 —you seem to be in deep thought again, mister reca. 」
like how gravity pulled the sparks of fireworks to the ground, he too was pulled out of his thoughts by your voice. it was the same as that time in the dream, except this time the illuminations high above were for the astral express. the family decided to give them a send-off before they embark on their new journey as a final thank you for the assistance they lent.
speaking of which, now that filming has ended, it's also time for him to embark on his new journey, but something — someone — is compelling him to stay.
now that you two are close to becoming friends, he wants to spend more time with you and make up for all the time lost to the years you spent in enmity with him. if the two of you will never be like that, then this is acceptable. he’d rather embed those feelings into that hollow and smother it with the pretense of contentment than jeopardize this chance at finally being connected to you. he is gladly willing to settle for friendship — as long as he has a place in your life that is enough.
『 …i'm just thinking about how beautiful the fireworks are. 』
he replied, his tone sounded like ‘what else would i be thinking about’ and it made you roll your eyes. you've seen that look on his face and you know that what he's actually thinking is far from what he said. maybe, just maybe, he's thinking of the same thing as you.
「 can i ask you something? 」
『 go ahead. 』
「 the dream you saw when penacony was under the order's control… is it still on your mind? 」
for a while only the popping of fireworks could be heard. maybe you shouldn't have stood so close to him... the awkwardness is unbearable, but you'll make it go away. you're going to break the final wall between the two of you and go to that future you've always dreamed of.
『 it is… how about you? 』
you averted your eyes away from the enormous train that hovered in the distance. when you looked at him, you saw a cautious smile on his face. he was leaning towards you a bit, close enough for you to see the worry he's hiding regarding that dream. you resisted the urge to tell him straight away, “it's okay”, because you feel the same way.
「 yes because that dream made me realize that i don't want to run away from my fears anymore and that i want to make things right with someone. 」
『 i see… i too have a realization after that dream., which is why though things have gotten better, i don't think i’ll be returning to penacony in the near future. after all, i've already said what i needed to, it's time to make peace with that and move forward. besides, i still have a long journey ahead of me, i should not let myself be weighed down by it anymore. 』
...
if only he was talking about moving on from something else, you surely would've been happy because having the strength to move forward is never easy to find, but you were there. of course, you know what he's referring to, so you can't accept it. you don't want to accept that you've missed your chance already, you don't want to accept how foolish you have been for the past decade, you don't want to accept it because you've always wanted to be something more to him than just a colleague or a friend. you also don't believe that he's fine with just being friends with you because you aren't fine with just that, if you two have the same feelings, then he shouldn't be fine with that too… right?
your mouth runs dry and you feel like you're going to make a mistake — how you're not going to follow the script you've planned, how it all wouldn't be according to the scenario you envisioned because how can you keep a rational mind at a time like this? he's leaving and you still haven't told him that you love him, that you're sorry for running away, that you want it all to change…
「 i- please… don't go. 」
you tug at his sleeve without thinking and turn to him. your eyes were glistening and your lips were trembling.
『 why? 』
he looks at you with confusion in his eyes, but there was also hope in it.
「 because we still have to be together. because i- i love you… 」
you let go of him and clasp your hands together. you messed up, it wasn't supposed to be like this. you've worked in enough romantic dramas and romcoms already to know how confessions go, but no matter how realistic they were, it really is harder in real life... when the person standing before you is the one you truly love.
you keep your eyes on him, that's the least you can do to show your sincerity since your throat doesn't want to cooperate anymore. his expression is unreadable, he looks surprised, does he really doubt himself that much? though there was a lump in your throat, you tried to speak,
「 i'm sorry… it's hard to believe, hm? but i do. i always have… after all, you were the reason i decided to do acting. i wasn't initially a member of the iris family and was supposed to take after my parents, but after i met you... a resolve was reignited in me. i wanted to dare to do something else, something different, something far away from what is deemed normal in our family. i wanted to go out there and discover who i am, who i can become. even now, i’m still aiming for that, so how can i not aim for you as well when you were the one who gave me this dream? these feelings? all this time… i’ve wanted you to acknowledge me, i’ve wanted you to see me as someone great, i’ve wanted you to see me as someone who is enough for you. 」
you muster up a smile. you don't want him to doubt himself because even though you once denied it, he has already been important to you and now, you want to be honest and show him that he will also be always important to you.
the world around him stopped, but the sparkles in your eyes that reflected the constant blooming of fireworks didn't. as he looks into your glimmering gaze, he remembers how he's seen them before; from way back then when a passerby happened to catch the scene they were filming and stopped by to watch it. from beyond the lens of his camera, he saw their expression, how that scene amazed them and made everything in their mind click. a few months later, that same passerby returned as an auditionee for a new project he had. though he appreciated their effort, it left a bad taste in his mouth because of how they were trying too hard, how unfitting they were for the lines they were acting, and just how wrong the entire moment was. but now, he wishes that he took them under his wing instead and served as their mentor; as long as willingness is there, nothing is impossible. if he had done that, none of this would be happening...
reality had already brought you two together before, but he was imprudent. but there's no need to regret now, right? because a second chance has been given and this time, he will definitely not waste it.
『 i'm sorry… 』
「 what for? you're a director. it's me... i- i should've prepared more before i auditioned, but my excitement to see you again got the better of me, haha. then after that, no matter how much i improved or how big the projects i worked on, i couldn't bring myself to face you again... even though i honestly wanted to. 」
his eyes softened, then he pulled you to his side. you wrap your arms slowly wrap around his waist.
「 i know you have to leave, but does it have to be now? and... are you really not going to come back soon? 」
you asked quietly, sadly and he chuckles. he placed a hand on your shoulder and made you turn around to face him.
『 on second thought... since i just finished making quite the lengthy movie, i can stay for a while to take a break and after i leave, i’ll certainly try to come back often. 』
he pushed you against his chest gently and hugged you back, squeezing you lightly once. you smile, you feel your eyes water again, but not out of sadness this time.
「 uhm... there's something i've always wanted to know. 」
『 what is it? 』
「 what made you love me? 」
『 the memories of the worlds you've been in. they are beautiful, they are worth treasuring, and they... should be immortalized. i've never had interest in the mundane aspects of life, i'm always searching for something momentous, but when i saw how different worlds remembered you, i started to see the beauty in it. i even began to love it... the sound of your laughter in the breeze, the softness of your touch against the flowers, the tears you entrusted to the ocean and the sky — they are all so simple, so small, but they are still lovely, they add to and even complete life. you made me remember a fundamental principle of the garden. you gave me another and a much better way of looking at life… 』
now, it was his turn to ramble on, but you don’t mind. you've always wanted to know how he thinks of you, you've always wanted to how his voice sounds when talking about you, you've always wanted to know how his eyes would light up when expressing his love for you. seeing and hearing all of this finally closed that wound from all those years ago. even though neither of you knew it, you two had already changed each other's lives…
as if it was fate, as if you two really were meant for each other. such a concept was always difficult for you to believe in, it was better off staying in fiction, but now, you can see its possibility.
and right there, the astral express's horn resounded and they warped off. the night is ending as the biggest firework finally took flight and painted the world in every color you knew. each hue was vivid and bewitching, who knew they could be so enchanting? but maybe, it's just because you were watching the display in his eyes? you've always loved their carmine glow, you can feel his passion so well in them and how it gives everything he sees life. now that those very same eyes are gazing at you so fondly, it's impossible not to melt underneath them.
this moment came back and was given an ending, and now, mister reca doesn't need to dream just to be with you because reality has finally brought the two of you together properly.