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Their room was silent, the moon and stars glaring in through the curtains, and their bodies entangled with each other. Logan found it a comfort to have somebody like this. His eyes flicked down to the smaller man in his hold, his head buried in against his chest. Logan gently rubbed his hand up and down the other’s back, a sigh of relief escaping from his lips. They had each other and that was all that mattered to both of them really. The older man could feel his partner’s fingers gently tapping against him. His back, his thigh..
The other man, Eric, found their collective silence wrong. He didn’t exactly like the quiet, but he didn’t want to ruin their peace. Feeling Logan’s hand run up and down his back was reassuring though. It showed him that he wasn’t alone again, in a dark room. He mentally shudders at the thought of being without the other. They were each other’s rocks. Eric was there for Logan, and Logan was there for Eric.
In more recent times, they were both focusing on recovering and getting better.
After his six months isolation, Eric had consistent nightmares, struggles with eating and more. He refused to eat unless it was a certain time, and he refused to eat if it wasn’t a similar meal to what he’d had earlier. When he did eat, he ate like a wild animal. As if he were frightened that someone would take it away from him.
Logan on the other hand had consistent nightmares from the war he was in and the torture he’d went through. He often woke up, reaching up to prevent anyone or anything to hurt himself or his loved ones, even when there’s never anything there. Sometimes he’d wake up, purely panicking because all he can see is where he once was and the danger in it all.
But all of their trauma aside, the two have made it a point to keep each other stable, to keep each other alive and mostly well.
They still dealt with each other’s nightmares and problems. They both had their own designated days to handle their own issues, and they tried understanding everything about one another. They both knew one was putting more effort in than the other, but they were okay with that because they were still there. Eric, unlike Logan, was more dependent and reliant on specific people. His world would revolve around them, they would be his everything. Logan wasn’t as dependent or needing more from other people, he would consider himself rather independent. Sure, he loved, but he didn’t love as strong as Eric did.
Eric loved to a point where it could hurt him, he wouldn’t stop loving someone even if they were bad for him. His love was more than anyone could ever imagine considering a reputation he had, a reputation where more people got hurt than needed. It was a violent reputation.
Logan knew more about it than the man himself could remember. Violence as a cop, who could do such a thing? It’s only making the stereotypes worse. Career wise, though, Logan could see the care and the love that not many others would see. He can see the better side of Eric Matthews that everybody else refuses to see and acknowledge. The former detective could be a better person, he just needed that extra hand.
The former army man couldn’t love as much as Eric did. Eric knew that much but he didn’t care. What mattered to him was how he behaved. Despite his cold demeanour from afar, Logan was a caring individual. He was prepared for everything, and he was smart. Smart thinking. A cool head during tougher situations. Eric admired that, and he wanted to be like that too.
Eric knew he wouldn’t ever be like that, but the reason he couldn’t be like that wasn’t any fault of his own, was it? However, he wanted to do better. He needed to do better for Logan and for his own sake. They’d both had a rough life, so what would make more sense than sticking together?
That meant during their worse and their nightmares.
Logan’s nightmares were more often than Eric’s. The younger male can remember nights he’s stayed up with him, holding his hand and gently rubbing circles into his palm to calm him down. It takes forever until one goes back to sleep, which the other will soon after follow. With his head buried in against his partner’s chest, a frown displays on Eric’s face as he recalls the worse nightmare Logan had.
The ex-detective can recall how he woke up to angry pacing around the room. It wasn’t entirely angry, more paranoia and anxiety about everything else. His partner was murmuring, constantly checking the door and windows in the room, hell, even the closet door. That was an instant red flag to Eric.
He can remember the cool feeling of the wooden floor, walking over to Logan, who was now anxiously peering out their bedroom door. He cleared his throat, but it seemed to just go over the soldier’s head. That familiar scowl grows, but he had to take a deep breath to be patient and understanding with his boyfriend. He wasn’t the best at it but he tried.
“Logan,” He mumbled, lifting his hand to touch his shoulder. He wasn’t much smaller than the man, so it wasn’t a drastic movement. Logan was warm to the touch, so the ice like hand touching his bare shoulder caught his attention.
Eric remembers the stare Logan had. It was fearful, panicked. That ability he had to come up with any solution for his situations wasn’t useful here, and anybody who knew Logan well enough would know that judging by the look in his eyes. “Logan, come back to bed.” Eric finishes his sentence, his cold hand moving down his shoulder to hold his warm hand.
The other man pulled away harshly, a lack of care behind his actions. Deep down, it hurt Eric. It felt like he wasn’t loved, like it was a stab in the heart, but now wasn’t the time to be selfish.
He kept his hand to himself, giving a weak smile to Logan. He had no idea why he did, but it would do, right?
“We have to be alert, Eric.”
“We don’t, we’re in our home, Logan.”
Eric gently shoved past the man at the door, flicking on their bedroom light. The other man’s eyes closed for a second, as if he were reliving a painful memory, one that caused distress and discomfort. The younger could tell by his hands balling up and bunching at his side.
“Baby, open your eyes..” He cooed, a softer tone to try help calm the man down further. “We’re at home, in our room. I promise.”
The man didn’t answer. He looked conflicted, more than anything. Even though he wasn’t saying anything, Eric could see the fear in his body language. It was pure terror more than anything. So he turned the light back off with a shiver, approaching the bed once again. “We can.. stay alert from here, Lo’. Please?”
Logan peeked an eye open, looking around cautiously once again. He was terrified and Eric could tell, it was clear as day. The detective moved from the bed again, holding his hand out to his boyfriend. “It isn’t real, Logan. You’re home, and you’re safe with me, I swear on it.” Eric said, trying to keep his voice calm, collected.
That all happened in the one night, and on his worse insomniac days, it would consistently linger over his memory and his thoughts, causing him to be in a foul mood because he would think of everything he could’ve done better. Sure, it still worked nonetheless, but he could’ve done more, he can always just do a little bit more.
Back in their current position, with Eric’s head buried in close against Logan, and Logan rubbing gentle shapes into his lover’s back, they still remain in silence. Logan doesn’t recall the last night they’ve just lay there like this. It was normally after one of Eric’s worse days, or when they were both exhausted and ready to sleep. He doesn’t notice the scowl, but he notices the other’s grip slowly starting to form instead of his tapping. It reminds him of Eric’s worse night, and a frown appears on his once stoic face.
He’d gotten up to go to the bathroom, and he presumed it would be fine! Eric was asleep.. so he left. Within the time he was in the bathroom, a dread built up in his stomach. He didn’t exactly know what it was, but he knew it was an overwhelming dread.
By the time Logan had came back into the room, Eric was sat up in the darkness, hands gripping his bedsheet for dear life. He could see the silhouette of the man, so he turned on the lamp. He didn’t entirely understand why his partner chose to sit awake in the darkness, but seeing his reaction to a lamp turning on, he knew something was wrong.
Eric sat there motionless, his eyes fixed on the blank space. He was breathing heavily, and he looked mortified out of his mind,
“Eric.” Logan starts, although a slight bit harsh. His tone is quick to lighten up at the realisation of how harsh he actually sounded. “Baby, hey..”
Like how Eric had done times before him, he kept his voice in a coo. It was something quieter and smaller, it had to help because it always helped him. Logan moved his own hand to cup the younger man’s face, it was like he was made for holding Eric close. As he did that, the latter’s hand shot up to hold onto his arm.
When it occurred to Logan what was exactly wrong, he can remember moving closer. Despite himself never being a crier over his nightmares, Eric was the opposite. So Logan held him in silence as he sobbed and clung to the other. His nails dug into his partner’s arms as he cried, but his partner didn’t mind. What was a little bit of pain to comfort somebody he cared about arguably more than anything else in his life? What was a little pain to help someone who deserved the world?
That night ended in Logan staying awake for another few minutes after Eric passed out in his arms. His panicking made him forget to keep a steady breath and he hadn’t had all that much to eat that day, so all Logan could do was hold him in that silence.
That silence was like the shared one between the two of them now, both mentally kicking themselves of what should’ve and could’ve happened if they did something just remotely different than how they did it on the night. As they both reminisce on the respective nights and their reactions, their grip on one another tighten. They’re scared of what life could be without one another and they’re scared of what might’ve happened if they did something wrong.
Only one thought they share in a unison though, is the thought that they would be a completely lost cause without the other’s love.
Eric doesn’t know how he’d cope, he relies on other people. Logan doesn’t know how he’d deal with the lonliness, sometimes solitude can get really dark, really quickly, and he much rathers to be around someone who can love and care about him.
So they kept lying in silence, Logan resting his arms on Eric’s hips, and Eric’s scarred arms wrapped tightly around Logan’s torso. The moonlight doesn’t shift from shining in through their curtains and onto their entangled bodies, and honestly? They don’t mind it. For once, they’re at peace.