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Kyle did not make any effort to think about it once it was over. He didn’t find any reason to do so, and he reasoned it was for the best regardless. It was none of his business, he’d done what he could and things went the way it did, and nothing could undo or fix what had been ruined. A shame things had to turn this way, but what could he do besides what he had tried? He had tried to avoid this, knew how fucked up Cartman could be and even if he hadn’t fallen himself it would be cruel of him just to watch the poor girl be torn and manipulated, and even so, even after he’s shown her how much better she deserved, Heidi turned her back at him.
He understood that it wasn’t a simple action of hers. He truly did. But it wasn’t like he could excuse the things she said, the things she’d done, even if her judgment had been clouded by the gruesome bigoted and distorted worldview Cartman had imposed onto her. Sure he could understand the situation she was in, she was a victim, but it was more complicated than that. She’s hurt people in the process. She’d hurt him, and as much as it was obvious she had woken up and was working toward returning to the kind and loving girl she was, Heidi didn’t show any intention to rebuild the bridge she’d burnt in between her and Kyle.
And he was okay with that. So he didn’t think about it.
He kept going on and doing things as he did. He still hung out with Cartman, although every second he did so Kyle would wonder why he still did that to himself. He didn’t like the fat asshole, never did, but he kind of… couldn’t exactly get too far either. Maybe he’d gotten so comfortable with this routine of hanging out with him, along with Stan and Kenny—two people whom he genuinely considered his friends—that breaking that felt weird. It wasn’t like he didn’t have the chance to do so, but whenever it happened, it never felt fair. The times when Cartman was getting what he deserved never felt like a win and often he even found himself trying to make things better for the other. It was weird; he didn’t like his classmate at all, in any way, shape or form. They bickered all the goddamn time and Kyle was often the victim of his prejudiced speech or sadistic love for humiliation. Still, they hang out.
Which made him feel bad for Heidi even more, because he knew how the guy was and he’d suffered first-hand what he was capable of. But Kyle was hurt by her too, when he least expected it, and from someone he never imagined to say such things, so it was hard to excuse that.
See, this is why he didn’t think about the outcome of this mess. It was complicated and annoying and he would be lying if he dared say it didn’t sting still. There was no reason for him to do anything about it, nor even ponder about it, so he would just suppress the thought whenever it crossed his mind.
Kyle would look away whenever her iconic hat with the just as iconic flower appeared somewhere in the halls as if the vision had burned his eyes. They didn’t share any classes, so once he was facing the blackboard, there was nothing to worry about. He purposely sat on the canteen in a way that the girls’ designated seat faced his back so that there was no way he’d get to see how Heidi was going. And, well, his friends were never the type that girls would gravitate towards, with their boyish stupidity and desire to get in trouble, so there weren’t any instances where one of her friends could talk directly to him about her. Or talk to him at all, honestly. He was pretty much safe and ready to pretend nothing had happened, ready to continue his silly little life in the chaotic South Park.
Days passed since he watched Heidi confront Cartman with a gun. And then, weeks blended through, merging one after the other until there was no trace of either version of the girl in his head; not the sweet girl he fell for, or the monster he learned to despise. Things were fine and he was certain that his mission to move on had been successful. He’d broken free from whatever arc that was.
However, things seemed to be crumbling right in front of his eyes, all his efforts gone to shit the moment his carefree self accidentally collided with another body and before he could apologize, everything hit him right on his face.
Because the person that was in front of him not only was Heidi, but she looked familiar. She looked as good as he had remembered from the few dates they had managed to score before Cartman made it all about himself. She had lost most of the weight the last few months had given her, though some were still there. Her skin seemed much better and wow, was that a new perfume, or a shampoo of some sort? Kyle didn’t remember that scent, but maybe it was because they never managed to get as close before.
In any case, Heidi looked… good. Healthy. Happier.
(He ignored the way his heart skipped a beat upon the thought.)
“Oh, hey, Kyle. I’m sorry, I was texting Nelly and didn’t see you there.”
The young boy suddenly felt his throat dry. “It’s alright. I wasn’t paying attention either.”
Heidi smiled shyly, putting a hair strand behind her ear as she stared at the ground. It was cute, but right now, Kyle was panicking and feeling extremely uncomfortable. For some reason, it didn’t seem like his legs could move and the worst thing was that the girl in front of him was still, almost as if she had no intentions to get out of his way.
Almost as if… she wanted to talk to him.
His chest ached more, the lump in his throat making it hard to breathe. He looked away and spotted Stan chatting with Kenny as he put his belongings in the locker. Shit, what if they spot him in that picture? They for sure would question him if spotted with Heidi. Hell, maybe they’ll bring it up in front of Cartman, and he is not ready to see that bastard whine about losing the girl of his dreams, especially after all he’s done. There was no way he valued Heidi that highly despite it all. He wasn’t half the boyfriend Kyle could have been—
No. That was a dangerous line of thought and he would not relapse after all of that.
“Well, see you around,” he blurted out quietly, knowing damn well he was not looking at her direction ever again. And it seemed that Heidi knew that too, because she grabbed his arm and tucked in silence.
“Can I talk to you? Later, maybe?”
Kyle gave her a look, a proper look, and it was evident she was anxious. She had her lower lip in between her lips and her free hand was fisting the end of her jacket’s sleeve. It stung him a little to see her this shy. She didn’t look directly at him, but she did have her gaze upwards, probably having him on her peripherals.
But even so, annoyance waved over him as he remembered everything and he clicked his tongue. “I don’t know, can you?”
Without looking back, he walked towards the two friends he had spotted earlier. Kyle smiled as he greeted them, making small talk in hopes of distracting him from the thoughts of Heidi that resurrected.
Once Stan closed his locker and started walking, however, he caught himself turning towards where he’d come from, maybe faintly hoping to see the girl still standing there. He pretended it didn’t ache when her precious hat was nowhere to be seen, following his super best friend to their next class.
…
It feels like things have moved backwards for Kyle. It’s like he had never tried to shut his feelings down, almost like he was back from that day when Heidi indirectly called him a dirty Jew. No, actually, it somehow was worse than before, his emotions more intense and all over the place. He wasn’t just back to avoiding her and praying to God she didn’t materialise in front of him magically. He caught himself thinking and wondering about her in classes, on his way home, when he tried to sleep. No, Heidi was often crossing Kyle’s mind and it was starting to kill him.
It was not his fault. Heidi looked so sad and vulnerable that he felt a wave of feelings that mirrored the start of it all, when he didn’t even know much about Heidi as a person and just knew her as the girl Cartman kept treating awfully. As he saw the way she made herself smile at him, forced and weak, and Kyle felt that urge to hold her, to comfort her and make sure things went well from now on. And it sucked, because none of that erased the past.
Well, she did want to talk at least. So maybe it wasn’t that bad, maybe this could be the closure he deserved, not the bigoted crap that Cartman put into her head. It was probably for the best then, it meant she was returning to the person he met, got close to and fell for. She was probably trying to do things right, and wasn’t that great news?
Still, he felt anxious at the thought of getting close to Heidi again. Sure, it would probably just be one quick talk and then they don’t ever need to cross ways again. Rationally, Kyle knew that the chance of things going south for him a second time is much slimmer, and even in the scenarios where he gets fucked over again, it probably won’t be as strong. He knows what the worst outcome can be and he’s quite ready for it. So, really, he should not fret.
So, on the next day he had school to attend, Kyle did his best to remain calm. There was little chance that Heidi would corner him at seven in the morning, so the worry didn’t even cross his mind as he moved to his lockers. He lazily got whatever he needed and waited around for one of his friends to pop up and talk to him, taking out his cell phone once he failed to spot any of them in the halls. He eventually spotted blue and red coming from his best friend, so he started to walk towards Stan only to stop midway, noticing the boy was walking beside Wendy. Not a bad thing per se, but the thought of any of the girls trying to help their friend by passing a message from Heidi to him invades his brain, and with Stan right there, he froze. Nope, there is no way he would do any of this within a mile radius of any of the boys. Not that he is uncomfortable with them finding out, but gossip runs wild and he does not want to get on Cartman’s bad side if he can avoid it.
So, awkwardly, Kyle kept staring at his feet until it was time to go to class. If Stan noticed his weird distance, he didn’t mention it, greeting him as he always would. Kyle nodded as his other two close friends arrived together and quickly looked away, almost as if the silhouette of the fat kid he despises so badly burned his eyes. The conversation Cartman and Kenny were having was interesting enough for them not to question him, it seemed.
His worries seemed to fade away as his teacher started speaking about topics a professional should not tell kids his age. The words were tuned out as Kyle easily fell into boredom, so he started to scribble random stuff into his notebook. They couldn’t be considered doodles since they weren’t exactly anything, just lines curled into one another in different shapes. He allowed his hand to move freely with one pencil in hand, praying for time to go quicker.
Someone poked him. He thought it was a random spasm or something of the sorts for a couple of seconds until it happened again, and a third time after he kept ignoring it. “What?” he hissed to whoever was bothering him—Bebe, apparently.
She refused to give him an answer, not even looking in his direction. But she had something in her hand, and she slowly put it onto his table, over the page that he’d been sketching on. It was a small folded piece of paper, and he didn’t quite like where this was going.
He wanted to question the blonde, but fought against it. She wouldn’t say anything and, besides, he feared that they’d get caught not paying attention. Getting detention for something as trivial as this didn’t seem too ideal.
Kyle stared at the note as if he could set it on fire just by glaring. It wasn’t working. So he looked around, hoping none of the boys had seen what just happened. Surprisingly, they all seemed to be paying attention to the story Mr. Garrison was currently sharing. A disturbing realization, but that meant that he didn't have to worry about being the centre of attention himself, so he unfolded the paper he’d received. No more dwelling on this, he had a hunch about what this was about and he couldn’t run from it forever.
Kyle tried his best not to show any reaction as his eyes skimmed through the words repeatedly, hoping they’d merge into something else by peer pressure. The cute, round letters were slightly threatening considering the words they formed. He knew Bebe, she was soft-looking but rough on the edges, and she was ready to use brute force if you dared to provoke her. And it wasn’t like he had intended to do anything to her, but it seemed she had taken offence either way.
You should let Heidi tell you what she has to say, it might not be as important to you but it really is to her.
He hated that it was a reasonable request. The blonde girl, being friends with Heidi, for sure knew how much it was eating her insides after the turmoil that had happened between them. In all honesty, he should just let her say whatever she wanted and everything would return to normal, none of this drama would need to continue and it would put an end to it all. But…
He didn’t want to hear what Heidi had to say.
Call him petty, maybe stubborn as well, but the fact she had been hurt had nothing to do with him. Kyle hadn’t done anything to offend or harm her, yet she still threw him under the bus. Sure he understood that it was under Cartman’s venomous influence, yet she still is herself. She brought it up to herself to some extent, even when he was doing his best to pull that fat bastard away from Heidi. So, really, now he had to be there for her wellbeing? Again?
He crumpled the piece of paper in his fist, holding it tightly, staring at their home teacher even though he could feel Bebe’s furious glaze.
…
Some days passed and Kyle was successful in ignoring Heidi’s presence. It wasn’t too hard, because it seemed that the girl was doing the same. He reasoned she read the room, and he was thankful for such.
He still got glares from some of the girls and failed to act like they didn’t affect him. It didn’t make sense to him, but maybe they didn’t know the extent of what happened between the two of them…? Because there was no way they were condemning him for standing up for her rude remarks. He had the right to be butthurt about it… right? Well, yes, of course. There was no doubt about that, obviously. So instead of the girls pressuring him to talk to Heidi, maybe they should tell her to move the fuck on!
He sighed, writing down the answers to whatever question Mr. Garrison had just said. Not that he remembered it, but at this point, he knew that he had a better chance of getting an A by bullshitting his way out of it than actually using his brain. It seemed to work well the last few months, at least, so he would be keeping the strategy.
The bell rang, which meant he was free from this hell of a place for the next two days. Kyle was thrilled, the week had been way too tiring for someone who had yet to conquer a second digit in his age, with all the avoidance of the glares and the scheduled rearrangement whenever a familiar hat appeared out of nowhere. But now that school was over, he could just chill with his boys and do kids stuff, like playing video games, declaring war on another country or saving the world from an apocalypse. Just average kids’ things.
As he stepped outside of school, however, Kyle felt a hand grab his forearm and pull him the opposite way from his home. He gasped in shock, staring at the abundance of pinkish-purple and long black hair in front of him. “Wendy?! What the fuck!”
The girl didn’t say anything, just kept walking towards the back of the school, where the playground was. The ginger boy looked around but only saw a few kids leaving the school, walking far from the two, and… and Stan, walking not too farther from them.
“Stan, what the fuck is going on?”
The other boy just shrugged, hands in his pants pocket as he let his girlfriend do her thing. Kyle was still very confused but arguing with either of them would not bring him any answer, he quickly realized, so he opted to stay quiet.
Once they were in a hidden spot, Wendy let go, but not before pulling Kyle a little too strongly. “I want you to stop doing whatever game you are doing to Heidi.”
The boy blinked at the girl a couple of times, processing these words. Then, he smartly blurted out, “Hoo-eh?
“I don’t know what you want from Heidi, but it isn’t cute. Be a goddamn man and talk to her like a normal guy, or else.”
“Or else what? You’re kicking my ass?!”
“Kyle,” Stan said quietly. “Just do what she says.”
“What? No, shut the fuck up! Don’t side with her just because she's your girlfriend.” Kyle rolled his eyes, turning to Wendy again. “Listen, I am not doing anything to her. I am pretty much leaving her alone, as she intended me to do. I don’t know why you girls want me to hear whatever she has to tell me so much, but have you considered that maybe I don’t want to deal with her anymore?”
The girl in front of him repositioned herself between her two feet, crossing her arms. “You don’t have to say anything. I'm just asking you to give her a chance to try to fix things, to say what is bothering her and you can do whatever you want with it. You can not accept her words afterwards. Just don’t be an asshole and give her the silent treatment, it’s not nice of you.”
“Not nice?” Kyle scoffed, looking away from the two other kids. “You know what isn’t nice? Trying to help someone because you feel bad that they're in a shitty situation, helping them to leave said situation, until out of the blue they decide to call you a dirty Jew and walk away after blaming you for them being in that situation. As if all her bad decisions were your fault.”
Wendy stayed silent for a while, and so did Stan. He was still not looking in their direction, so he didn't know if they had looked at each other. It didn't seem like either had moved, at least. After a while, Kyle heard a sigh, followed by footsteps. Turning his head, his eyes met the girl’s again.
“I didn’t know she had said that. I’m sorry, Kyle, you didn't deserve it,” she said softly, hand moving forward but stopping before she could comfort him. “Now I know why she is so hurt from not being able to talk to you. I understand why you’re so resistant, so I’m not going to bother you anymore. But just so you know, Heidi isn't happy with herself for saying that. She feels bad for harming others and wants to make things right. You may not believe me, and I don't know what to say for you to do so, but she feels very guilty for the things she’d done during that… period. So she wants to fix things, or at least try. Which is why I ask you… let her try.”
Feeling defeated, Kyle nodded quietly. He stared in the direction of his best friend, who didn’t seem too focused on the topic. Why was he even there was beyond him. “I can think about it, or something.”
“That is enough for me.”
Wendy smiled at the ginger and turned around to her boyfriend. She kissed him on the cheek and, without uttering anther word, turned to leave.
“Uhm, Wendy?”
The girl turned to Kyle. “Yes?”
“Could you make sure the girls stop giving me such glares? But, like. Without mentioning what I told you.”
She seemed to ponder about it. “I think I can manage that. I can’t guarantee they will all understand right away, but I will do my best. I promise.”
He nodded at her, watching Wendy leave the school. It was only him and Stan standing awkwardly for a while until the older of the two finally spoke again. “So, uhm, wanna play some games back in my home?”
Kyle stared at his best friend and eventually shrugged. “Why not.”
Stan rested his left hand across Kyle’s left shoulder and held him close, walking towards the Marsh’s residence. “Sorry for that. Nothing I told her would make Wendy change her mind, and I didn't think you'd want her to know how things were with you and Heidi. So I could only go along with it.”
Kyle hummed at that. He really would've rather if he didn't have to tell any of the girls about it, it was embarrassing enough that both Stan and Kenny saw him bawling his eyes out about it. And, well, girls could gossip more than the boys did, depending on the topic. So yeah, he didn't want Wendy to hear about it, and if she had to, then Kyle should be the one telling her. “It's whatever, man. I don't blame you for that. But that doesn't explain… what were you doing there?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, it was about Heidi and I. And Wendy was intervening as her friend. So why were you in the conversation?”
Stan blinked. “Moral support?”
“I call bullshit.”
“What? I knew she was going to confront you about Heidi, of course I was going there for you, super best friend!”
Kyle stared at the other. “Stan.”
The dark-haired boy stayed silent, and faintly, his face flushed. It made him raise a brow in inquiry. Huh. “No reason. Really.”
Kyle sighed. He was never going to get it out of him, so he just gave up. “Whatever. Best of five, the loser has to let the winner tweet whatever on their account.”
Stan gasped. “Oh, it's on!”
…
The glaring did stop, Kyle realized after a few days. Still, he remained feeling uneasy about the whole thing.
He fully blamed Wendy. Her words irked him in a way that he really wanted to ignore because he’s still quite butthurt and petty. But hearing that Heidi was probably beating herself up for saying the same things that had hurt him… It changed things, somehow.
It wasn't that he hadn't thought of the possibility that she regretted it, but rather, he didn't put much thought into it being real. It was much easier to imagine that she just wanted to mend things to clear her conscience from her wrongdoings.
So now he was conflicted, and Wendy’s words had been enough to make his mind, if so slightly. The more days that passed with this situation unresolved, the more Kyle’s stress rose. It didn't help that he wasn't sure if the dark-haired girl had expected him to go to Heidi, or if he had to wait for her to build the courage to try talking a second time.
But he was quick to become impatient, and so, he caught himself waiting for her in front of their school a week or so later. He had told the three of his friends not to wait for him, and he was so thankful that he spotted their bright orange, blue and teal colours distancing from the school before Heidi showed up. Meeting with the girl was stressful enough, he did not need it to reach his frenemy’s ears. He would rather die than deal with whatever bullshit scene he'd cause otherwise.
Finally, after a while, Kyle spotted the flowery beanie walking along with red hair and brown pigtails. Sighing, he walked towards the trio and poked the shoulder of the girl in the middle, the one he needed to talk to.
“Hey, uh, I don't know if Wendy mentioned it, but we have to talk.”
Heidi’s eyes went big at him, surprised to hear that. She was quick to keep her posture calm as she turned to the other two. “I will text the group chat?”
Red and Nelly didn't look happy, still, they nodded and went away. Heidi stared at the back of their heads for a while and, once she deemed them far enough, she returned to stare at Kyle.
“Well, Kyle, I'm sure you have a few questions. But I'd like to start by—”
“Wait,” he interrupted, shifting his weight between his two feet. “Can we not do it here, in front of the school?”
Heidi nodded quietly. “Sure. I know somewhere more appropriate.”
Nodding along, Kyle walked beside the girl but with enough space in between them that another child could fit in. It was an awkward walk, but he reasoned it would be impossible not to be. He tried to focus on literally anything but Heidi, oh, it’s been a while since he didn’t come to this side of town, since it was opposite to his house! Damn, it’s getting colder and colder, hopefully, there isn’t a snowstorm too strong this winter. Has Ike arrived home alright? He probably did, he was a good kid, wiser than himself. He was probably already allocated to the chair in his room, watching his favourite YouTubers.
Heidi seemed to slow down as they neared a park. Kyle raised a brow at the location; there were severe parks around South Park, but he guessed by its conditions that this one wasn’t as visited as the ones closer to his neighbourhood, where most houses were. It made sense the more he thought about it, being a bit secluded from the centre of town, and its overgrown trees didn’t really help the appeal either. If he hadn’t been following the girl, he would not come here for the longest time, probably never.
They walked quietly to a bench, and it didn’t take much time before his companion sat down. He stiffened for a second, probably looking awkward as hell, but it would probably be worse if he stayed standing there. So, he sat down too, as far as he could without making it too obvious. If Heidi noticed his intentions, she didn’t say a thing. Instead, she had her head down, staring at the palms that rested on her lap.
“I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you the last few times we’ve interacted. Especially,” she paused to lick her lips. “That day. At your house. That was the worst of me.”
Kyle nodded, not knowing what to say. He didn’t know if he should. Could he? He was intended to only hear, right?
It seemed that was the right thing to do as she continued, “The girls were right, and so were you. Eric was bad to me, but I felt like I had a point to prove and let him manipulate me until I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I just… took the little crump of kindness he showed from time to time and grasped it so hard I pretended not to see the tsunami that he actually is. So, really… it’s all on me.”
Kyle stiffened in his seat. “I mean, Cartman is the one to blame the most here—”
“No, Kyle,” she interrupted, finally staring at him. “Sure, he gaslighted me and lied all the time and everything else, but the signs were there. You warned me about him, and the girls in a way did so too, and I feared so much to be wrong that I refused to believe that I was, indeed, wrong. And that is completely on me. So… yeah. I am sorry for letting myself become the worst version of myself and hurting you in the process. Not only from that day, but from the many times I confronted you for no reason too.”
Heidi looked away after a while, letting the boy process the apology, staring at the distance, somewhere in the vacant park. Kyle thought about it for a bit, and there was a part of him that wanted to comfort her, tell her that it wasn’t all her doing, but was she wrong? No, not really. There is so much that people can do to help others, but if they didn’t want the help, what was there to do? He tried, did more than all of her friends combined, and he was still thrown away in a very disrespectful way. But she had recognized that now, and was apologizing for the cruel things that she’d said.
This was… the good ending, right? What he wanted the most? Yet, something in him still… hurt. He let his guard down once, and he got run over in the process. Sure things could be different, Heidi seemed to be much more aware of the signs now and there was no way she’d return to Cartman after all of that. But, how come he still restrained about accepting it? How come he still felt endangered, felt afraid to be backstabbed again? It was just Heidi. The real Heidi, the one he wanted to protect and cherish once, the Heidi who was kind and so full of love and who just wanted to follow her heart and do what was right. That was what this apology was about, too, so there was no reason for him to grab onto this trauma so hard.
Yet he did. Yet, he did.
“I appreciate you coming forward to apologize,” Kyle said carefully, turning to glare at his feet. “I understand you, and I want to accept it. I guess I do accept it, in a way. I’m just… wary, I guess.”
She nodded. “I respect that.”
“I think I just need some time,” he finished, turning to the girl who still averted his direction. “You’re a good girl, Heidi. It’s a shame things happened like it did, but it’s in the past now.”
“Yeah… I suppose.”
“And, Heidi?”
She slowly turned around, meeting his eyes. “Yes?”
“Don’t forget what I told you before. People make mistakes, and that doesn’t make them bad. You may have refused to recognize you were wrong before, but you did now, and you’re trying to fix things. That’s not what a bad person would do.” Kyle got up, turning to look at the girl one last time. “Cartman would never fix his wrongdoings. So, you’re already better than him. See you in school, Heidi.”
And without another word, the red-haired boy returned from where they came from, feeling a weird blend of emotions but, on top of it all, feeling rather relieved and content.