Work Text:
It’s been rough these last few weeks. With the weather shifting colder and the nights getting longer, your thoughts become difficult to rein in as they quietly turn into a self-imposed emptiness that is near impossible to shake this time of year. You love the Fall leaves, the magical colors of orange, red, and yellow bring a smile to your face on the drive to and from Quantico and it briefly blocks the struggle you’ve become proficient in hiding all these years. And man has it been a challenge the last week to keep it from the BAU. Just had to go and get yourself a job with the best profilers in the country that can sniff out any emotional turmoil. It’s been amazing to learn from these people in the last few months, but one slip up and you’re going to be hounded by questions you really don’t want to answer right now.
So far, so good. No one has guessed you’ve had sleepless nights with masterful use of makeup, and you are skilled in looking busy while getting the minimum work done. You’re clever enough not to rouse suspicion as to why your concentration is off during this downtime. There are piles of paperwork to catch up on since there hasn’t been a case in a while. Not a bad thing, but you know it’s only a matter of time before Hotch will be quickly going over a case and saying, ‘Wheels Up’ and JJ is giving you all the basics on where you’re going.
Currently Hotch is the only member of the group besides you who had declined to go out with the group for dinner. You provided a half-truth that your orientation modules are due soon, gesturing to the screen when called out on this fib, showing six of them unfinished. With the case load the past month, you had no time to complete them and refused to do them at home. HR was fine in pushing back your due date over and over again with Hotch’s approval.
So, did you have to complete them right now? No. But should you? Yes. And was it a brilliant excuse to be anti-social when you just wanted to be alone? Hell yeah.
What you didn’t anticipate is a certain dark-haired profiler that supposedly had left with the team but was walking right into the bullpen. Your brows furrow with confusion but it’s plausible that Emily had forgotten something at her desk. You smile politely which she offers a scrunch of acknowledgement, seemingly pleased you took notice.
What you realize is she was not going to her desk but striding over to yours with cautious purpose.
“Hey,” she offers simply while still heading your way.
What the fuck is this? Your mind startles, panicking why this was happening. Maybe this is work related? But that made no sense. Why the hell would she want to talk about work since everyone was adamant not to do that and go out for a casual dinner with the group. You think back if you offended her in some way but that’s a joke. You’ve been getting along well with everyone despite the current arms-length approach you are taking right now. Before your mood shifted, you were trying to get on Emily’s radar more often since you were low key crushing on her. Who wouldn’t? She was an attractive woman with intelligent brown eyes, and it was a privilege to hear her mind work during a case – piecing all the intricate puzzles together for the profile. She encouraged you to be the best at work and made this place feel less like a job and more like a home away from home.
Okay, okay. Relax. Just breathe.
You lean back in your chair and play it cool despite the spiraling thoughts. “Aren’t you supposed to be on your way to dinner?”
She takes a half seat against your desk and crosses her arms as she faces you. “Took a raincheck on them and came to collect you.”
Your confusion is evident, and you point the pen in your hand at the computer screen. “Nothing’s changed. I still have modules-“
“-to do, yeah. I know.” She tilts her head studying you. “But I thought I could entice you out anyway.”
You felt your chest briefly clenching with the realization that Emily stayed behind for you. It’s only been a couple of months since you two first met. Why the hell would she have a reason to give a shit about you. You don’t deserve this kindness, and you certainly don’t want to bring her down with your bullshit.
It was difficult to maintain contact with the sincerity in her eyes, but you fight through it to put up a wall of feigned strength. “That’s really nice of you, but I’m good.” Her eyes widen in challenge and you half smile. “Really. You should go.” You wave off towards the elevators. “Catch up with the team and have a nice night.”
“I could, and I will,” she says, you start to believe that she’s going to take your suggestion. Yet that isn’t what happens at all. “But I think I’ll have a better night hanging out with you.”
You lock eyes with her and are unable to quell the quickening pace of your breathing.
Fuck.
“I … I uh, don’t understand.” Your attempt to cover up your anxiety fails.
“I think you do.” She softly speaks your name with gentle eyes. “You don’t seem like yourself tonight.” She watches as you deeply frown and knows she touches a nerve as you cross your arms. “Or if I’m being honest? For quite a while.
Your response is jumping into action and shutting down your workstation with haste. You wanted to get out of here, run away and not have to deal with feeling so raw because of Emily.
Fucking profilers.
But before you can stand, a hand touches yours still on the keyboard and you freeze. You don’t dare look up because you’re too focused on Emily’s hand atop yours. How the weight of it was so light, but so profound, that it kept you grounded.
“You don’t have to be alone in whatever you’re going through.” Her voice is a source of comfort trying to halt your escape, coaxing you to stay and listen. It works perfectly.
Then in another shocking move, Emily squeezes your hand. You tentatively shift your eyes towards her which elicits a smile from Emily. “And I don’t even have to know what’s going on. But at least consider coming with me. Maybe forget what’s going on in your head for a bit. Or if you want to talk, we can.”
You try to fight and fail the trembling of your lips. Your eyes begin to betray you, wet with unshed tears that you are trying valiantly to force away. The simple kindness and lack of judgement makes your heart ache that Emily was doing this for you, that you were undeserving of her attention. She should be out with the rest of the team, not wasting her time here with you.
The guilt hits you hard and you choke back a sob, forcing your free hand to cover your mouth with embarrassment.
“Hey …” Emily says your name again as she slides closer to you and begins stroking the top of your hand with her thumb. “It’s okay. It’s okay to feel this way …”
Your laugh was joyless, and you respond crankily. “Sure, it is.” You want to push her away. You deserve to be lonely, yet you allow Emily’s hand to slide up your arm before it squeezes your shoulder. Your chest clenches when you look away and your eyes clamp shut as tears dare to break free. Your teeth grind to stave off the rumble threatening to erupt into a scream. You feel you’re going to lose the fight and break down when Emily stands up from the desk and tugs you up with her.
“Come here,” she coaxes gently.
You sigh and finally look up at her to find nothing but patience in those brown eyes. In your moment of weakness, you allow yourself to lose yourself in them. You feel undeserving of her time, but also feel lucky that someone like Emily was trying so hard with you. So, you stand and immediately when you are on your feet, she pulls you into an embrace. The hand on yours slips under your arm to connect with the other that goes over the opposite shoulder. She tests the waters and tightens the hold when you don’t tense or try to pull away.
“It’s okay,” she says again as you start to sag into her arms, pressing your bodies together more fully. “I’ve got you…”
And as you ultimately give in to vulnerability, perhaps Emily does have you, and she will help you find a way to dig yourself out the depression that has resurfaced. And maybe, just maybe, you won’t have to keep struggling by yourself this time around ... or the next.