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how long had jonghyun been sitting at his table? his only company at this hour was the dim lighting set by the candles he had lit hours prior, slowly dimming as the hours seemingly flew by. his mother and sodam were absent as well, though he at least had the soft snores of roo to keep him company.. which always filled him with a sense of comfort. though tonight seemed a bit different.
he had been in a bit of a slump lately―whenever he’d sit down and with plans to write, his thoughts would sort of just drift off. off to some dark place, which could potentially be used as inspiration, though he knew all too well that the subject matter that could leave his mind in this state barred on "concerningly dark."
he let out a sigh, closing his eyes and resting his head on his arms briefly. he was a bit reluctant to check the time, though he knew it had to be hours past midnight. he’d probably be returning from the studio of blue night around this time.. maybe that was what had him so sentimental?
he rose from his seat―as quietly as possible, as not to rouse roo―and made his way out of the room. making his way to one of the spare closets, where he had kept a box full of the letters received from his time spent as “jjong-d.” at the top were the ones received on the day of his final broadcast. he sat down cross-legged beside the box, sifting through the envelopes to find one that had been unopened. he was careful when opening it, not wanting to risk tearing or ruining it in any possible way.
eventually managing to open the letter,
‘jjong-d! i still remember your first broadcast back in 2014! how did three years, over 1000 days, pass by so quickly? it’s always been such an honor tuning in, and hearing your voice and stories has brought so much comfort to me and more fans than i could even think to count. i know that you promised us that you’ll come back someday, and i know you’ll keep that promise. until that day comes, we’ll all wait for you! so stay healthy, and try not to overwork yourself too much! we all love you! ♡’
..halfway through, he could already feel the tears welling up. a box full of messages like this, so much love all for him―what had he done to deserve it? had he repaid all the love they felt for him in those days spent as a dj? as a member of shinee? even as a solo artist?
he doubted it; there was no way he could return the amount of love fans had given him. it was a bittersweet feeling.
with a sniffle, he carefully placed the letter back in its envelope, placing it on top of the pile before checking around for a clock. his guess of the time had been about spot-on. it was about 2:45 AM now, likely somewhere around 2:30 before he’d begun reading.
would any of his members be awake at this hour? was it worth risking waking one of them up?
he shuffled his way back to his room, tugging on the bottom of his black tank top as he picked up his phone. he’d probably send a text to be safe, which basically removed kibum and taemin from the equation. not that he minded.. it was easier to let himself be comforted by jinki or minho, anyway. and they both would probably respond.
minho was most likely to be awake, with all his late-night/break-of-dawn exercises, but still he found himself gravitating to jinki’s number and opening their text messages, quickly re-reading past messages to remember where they left off.
‘are you awake?’
he began, taking a seat on the edge of his bed as he awaited an answer. he’d typically send a little animated sticker to lighten the mood, but.. he didn’t want to message him twice at this hour if he was resting.
when he didn’t get a response in the next minute or so, he planned just to turn his phone off, though then he heard the distinctive ‘ding!’ and rushed to open the message.
‘everything okay?’
jinki had responded simply, and jjong noticed that his initial question had gone ignored.
‘if you were asleep, you can get back to it. it really isn’t anything that important, jinki.’
at that, jinki glanced at the time. at this hour, it couldn’t just be ‘nothing.’ he knew jjong wouldn’t text him at this hour unless he wanted company. and so, he slid out of bed, looking through his closet for either a sweater or jacket to slip on.
‘i’ll be there soon. wait for me, okay?’
he sent, catching jonghyun by surprise. what did he mean, he was coming over? at this hour? he had just got done crying, he probably looked like a mess with his now-drying tear stains. still, he knew he couldn’t change jinki’s mind now, and so he sent a quick response before nearly sprinting to the bathroom,
‘thank you, jinki.’
looking in the mirror.. well, his eyes were too puffy to hide that he’d been crying, but he’d still do his best to clean himself up a little. all he had to do was not think about jinki rushing to his side too hard, because that would probably set him off too...
somehow, miraculously, he managed not to burst into tears when he heard the knock on his door around 18 minutes later. jinki would have arrived sooner, but he had rushed to whatever food place he assumed would be open to get them some food.
when jonghyun opened the door, he glanced down at the two bags in jinki’s hands, shaking his head before stepping out of the way for him to enter. “you really didn’t have to do all of this, jinki. if i knew you’d come, i wouldn’t have...” he started, closing the door as jinki slid off his shoes.
jinki hummed in response―it really didn’t bother him. he would rush to the aid of any of his members, though he went above and beyond for jonghyun. if he could, he would gladly live with him, make sure none of those negative thoughts could fester in his head. he always wanted to keep him safe, to see him smile.
“you were crying. did something happen?” he questioned as he sat the food down at the table, surprising jonghyun a bit. how obvious was it? then again, it must be easy to tell, with how many times jinki had seen him cry. he probably had all the telltale signs memorized by now.
“i was in my head, that’s all. so i read one of my fanletters and it just.. happened.” he responded, making his way over to the table and pulling out the seat for jinki before moving to the other side to sit down himself.
in the distance, there was a familiar pitter-patter of short-legged paws moving across the floor, towards the two voices. jinki quickly crouched down as roo approached, chuckling as her tail immediately started wagging. “did we wake you, princess? i’m sorry,” he softly spoke, hands petting the precious dachshund all over.
jonghyun smiled as he looked at the two of them, hearing his beloved roo’s signature whines as she tried to keep up with all the affection she was being given. she didn’t get to see her part-time dads as often these days, but that just meant she’d enjoy their attention as much as she could.
“you’re sure you’ve never owned a pet before?” jonghyun asked, after taking his phone out to sneakily take a picture of the two. right as jinki had leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead.
jinki shook his head, finishing up with some final smooches before standing back up. “nope. but i wouldn’t mind co-parenting roo, if you ever need a bit of help.”
jonghyun hummed thoughtfully, “i’ll let you know, hyung.” smiling as he watched jinki sit down across from him, he promptly began taking the food out of the bags, looking around at it all afterwards. “this is so much.. were you planning to stay the night?”
onew tilted his head, “of course.. i have to make sure you’re okay. plus, i don’t have schedules tomorrow, anyway. i can just sleep on the cou―” interrupted by very adamant ‘no! ’s from the other, and a bit of a stern look.
“you came all this way to keep me company. i could never let you sleep on the couch, jinki. my bed has plenty of room for the two of us―” a whine from roo, who was now nudging at his ankles for attention, “―and roo. if she wants to come up for cuddles.” he leaned down, scooping her up and laying her in his lap, followed by her resting her head on his arm.
“sounds good. for now, we should probably eat before the food gets cold..” jinki began, hands working to open all of the containers before settling back down.
“i can’t believe you found a place that was actually open.” jonghyun muttered, opening his chopsticks and beginning to scoop up some of the noodles with it, shoveling them into his mouth. he hadn’t even felt hungry before this, though now he suddenly felt starved.
“well, i had to make sure you ate. what are you even doing up this late?” he asked, picking up some pieces of the meat with his chopsticks and dropping them into his mouth.
“writing music. or―trying to? my head wasn’t really in it.” he muttered, letting out a sigh as he took another bite of his food. “having you here might help me clear my mind a bit.”
he usually didn’t mind the loneliness. it came a bit naturally to him, with the moody lighting he would always have, and the dark wallpaper. it only made sense, that the atmosphere would have him a bit gloomy. he usually didn’t mind it. “
“you’ve used us as muses before, right? maybe you could use me as inspiration?” jinki suggested, finishing off his meal and turning his complete focus back to jonghyun. he watched as jjong’s eyes narrowed a bit, eye contact lingering for a second too long. an elaborate game, of which of them would blink first.
jinki thought for some moments, resting a head in his palm. “has anyone ever told you how beautiful your eyes are, jamong?” he internally cheered when that flustered jonghyun, making him blink out of habit. “all of you is,” he then clarified, before sitting back in his chair.
jonghyun stared, a bit dumbfounded (and ears starting to flush), before trying his best to return to his confident self. “of course,” he began, before shooting jinki a quick wink, “but it means a lot more when it comes from someone so handsome. possibly one of the most handsome men i’ve met?”
their relationship was full of this. this push-and-pull, this will-they-won’t-they, with both almost playing a game of how far they could go until suddenly they couldn’t just be considered *just* friends or bandmates. the too-casual kisses they would share, the way jinki would suddenly hold his hips, the blatant flirting...
he was surprised there weren’t dispatch rumors about them, at this point. he swore taemin and kai were less showy than them, at least recently. changmin and minho were.. something else entirely. he’d never seen someone with such a barely-disguised hyung kink. it was no surprise those two had an exposé about them.
“‘romantist’ suits you well, jjongie.” jinki softly responded, a smile on his face. it was something he rarely experienced, feeling comfortable enough with somebody for this to became the norm. it was a type of bond he really wouldn’t want with anybody else.
a giggle left jonghyun, and he stood up, making his way over to jinki and leaning down to press a chaste kiss to his cheek. “you should come over more often. i’ll need a lot more inspiration if i want to release an album.” putting out an album full of songs referencing jinki.. how obvious would it be? how obvious could it be?
“dedicating an album to me before someone you’re actually attracted to? how scandalous..” the shift in jonghyun’s expression didn’t go unnoticed, when he brought up ‘attraction’. it was only for a brief moment, before jjong realized and fixed it.
he didn’t even have an excuse. he couldn’t blatantly lie to onew about how he felt, couldn’t laugh it off like it was some kind of joke.. and so he knew he had to change the topic. but to what?
“you know me, i like pushing boundaries with my music.” maintaining his idol persona while writing such risqué lyrics.. balancing the two was a challenge, but he’d managed well enough so far.
he was right. jinki couldn’t imagine jjong’s music, if it conformed to what people expected or wanted to hear from him. he always made what he knew he himself approved of―each of them did―and he somehow made all of it work.
jinki hummed as he looked up towards jonghyun, who had opted to stand behind him and wrap his arms around his neck after placing roo back onto the floor. he couldn’t help but think how much jjong looked like an adorable puppy―basking in his attention, eyes forming crescents as a smile rose to his cheeks. it was times like this that made him realize just how intimate the two of them were, how time spent with jonghyun felt like living a dream.
he reached up, taking jonghyun’s hands into his own, before leaning down to press soft pecks to the knuckles. “do you have schedules tomorrow? because we’re probably gonna end up sleeping in,” he asked, earning a headshake as a reply.
“even if i did.. i’d just postpone them, if it meant getting to stay with you a bit longer.” it’d been years since they lived together. for the most part, it wasn’t a bad change, but sometimes he missed just being able to come to jinki’s room and cuddle him beneath the covers. luckily, minho and key usually wouldn’t fuss too much about it, and taemin (of course) was never against having his and jonghyun’s room all to himself for a night—temporary freedom from his maybe-too-overbearing hyung.
“well, we should probably start by cleaning up. it’s late, and we both still do need rest. and roo deserves her beauty sleep too.” jinki replied, earning a sad whine from jonghyun when he had to move his arms. still, they both made efforts to clear the table, finishing in the span of a few minutes.
jinki crouched back down to scoop up roo, carrying her along as they made their way to jonghyun’s room. “ah.. you still use these candles?” jinki asked, the scent hitting him before even stepping into the room. he remembered this scent from when they dormed together, when jjong was feeling particularly light-avoidant and just needed to sit in the dark with his candles keeping him company.
“well.. it became part of my routine. made it simpler just to keep the same ones. “this was relatively early for him; he’d sleep around 10 AM, on some days. his sleep correction therapy was falling through a bit...
jinki, though, seemed tired already. though he was trying his best to stay awake and alert for jjong.
“hyung, you should get some rest. you look exhausted.” jonghyun muttered, earning a slight pout from jinki as he guided him (and roo) to the bed.
roo hopped out of jinki’s arms when he took a seat on the edge of the bed, immediately stretching out with her head between her front paws. he reached over to give her gentle pats along her back, her tail wagging as she peeked up towards jinki.
“she loves you.” jonghyun commented, internally continuing with ‘―and i can relate’. because seeing two of ones that mattered most to him together like this was making him sentimental, making him imagine a life where he could settle down with jinki and parent byulroo alongside him. maybe someday.
jonghyun was originally planning to try writing again, but instead he laid down beside the two, roo shimmying between them as he moved to rest his head on jinki’s shoulder. smiling as he felt the arm drape around him, keeping him close (as if he would ever want to leave jinki’s side).
jinki closed his eyes, cheeks rising into a smile as his fingers messed with a few strands of jjong’s hair.
“i love you, jonghyunnie.” he spoke, voice slowly trailing off with sleepiness.
“i love you too, jinki.” he replied, placing a quick kiss on his cheek before he, too, closed his eyes for the night.
for now, it was probably the closest the two would get to confessing. but really, neither of them felt a reason to put a label on the relationship they had.
..maybe jonghyun would still bring it up in the morning. if only to hear jinki say that again.
jonghyun was the first to wake, when roo began getting a bit antsy between the two of them. he cooed, reaching out and scooping his beloved dachshund up before laying on his back, placing her on his chest and attacking her with good morning smooches―which she happily returned, licking all over his face.
onew typically wouldn’t wake up so early, though he also wasn’t used to sleeping with company these days. roused by the tiny, breathy giggles from the man beside him, he glanced over at the two, just taking in the sight.
jonghyun laid with roo on his chest, eyes closed with the most joy jinki had ever seen on his face. roo returning his barrage of kisses with one of her own, her tail frantically wagging behind her.
jonghyun would be a good parent.
..wait, what? he blinked a few times as the thought suddenly came to mind out of nowhere. though, he could just imagine it―jonghyun being a girl dad, scooping up his little princess and attacking her face with kisses.
..why was he imagining this? was part of him wishing that he would be there, too? that he and jonghyun would be able to raise a kid of their own someday?
but the two of them weren’t even dating, let alone *married*.
“ah―jinki. did i wake you? i’m sorry,” jonghyun realized, when he finally lifted roo a bit to put a pause on her love barrage. instead, she put her focus onto jinki, whining until she was placed back onto the bed.
being able to tell a bit ahead of time what she had in mind, jinki laid on his back as well, as roo hopped onto his chest. “oof―” he chuckled, both hands petting her all over. she really had grown so much, he still remembered when she was such a tiny little pup, when jonghyun first introduced her to them with one of the brightest grins he’d ever had.
“you two normally wake up this early?” he asked out of curiosity, hands being nuzzled and licked all over by roo. he didn’t quite feel ready to get a kiss attack just yet..
“mm, usually earlier. this is probably the latest i’ve woken up in...” he paused, before shaking his head. he didn’t want to worry jinki. especially after he reassured him and the others that he was ‘working on’ fixing his sleeping habits. which.. he was, for a while, but he hadn’t gone to an appointment in a few.. months? *maybe?*
“...how about i make us breakfast? what would you want?” jonghyun switched topics, sliding out of bed and ruffling his hair.
jinki hummed, lifting roo and placing her onto the floor as gently as possible. he had noticed jjong sort of slid past the first question, but they had just woken up. it was more important to make sure the two of them had a meal.
“let me help you. it’s the least i could do after you let me stay the night.” jinki responded, giving a smile to jonghyun that immediately had his heart fluttering.
“―oh? well.. if you’re sure...” he had wanted to pay jinki back for everything he’d done, but he knew he could be pretty adamant about these things, and so he didn’t oppose the idea.
the two made their way to the kitchen (closely followed by the princess), with onew opening the fridge to look through what they had to work with.
“hmm.. your mother and sister won’t mind if we use any of this, right?” jinki asked, jonghyun making his way over to take a peek before shaking his head and simultaneously lifting an apron onto jinki and tying it.
“we can always keep tabs of what we use and replace it later. whenever we’re ready to head out,” he replied, looking over the knot he had tied before presenting jinki with another apron for himself.
as jinki toom the apron into his hands and motioned for jjong to face the opposite way, he looked down towards apron, admiring the design. it seemed custom-made―featuring a particularly adorable dachshund barking out supportive phrases. he smiled as he put the apron onto jonghyun, pressing a soft kiss to the back of his head before stepping back.
“oh? and you say i’m the romantist, jagiya.” jonghyun muttered, softly chuckling as he turned back around to face jinki. he realized halfway through that he was closer than expected, nearly headbutting him.
luckily, jinki managed to step out of the way before any collision, joining jonghyun in the laughter that quickly followed.
“okay, so! what are we making, jamong?” he asked, hearing thoughtful hums from the smaller as he weighed their options.
cooking took an hour, give or take. not that it mattered when it was so early―about half past 10? jonghyun had already made sure to refill roo’s food and water bowls before they began, if only to keep her distracted.
the duo placed the portions of food onto the table, jinki taking the initiative and pulling jonghyun’s seat out for him this time. they both took their seats when the table was set, smiles on their faces as they began to eat.
“mm,” jinki hummed; food almost always did taste better when self-made (or alongside the love of your life)! he couldn’t even remember the last time the two of them made a meal together like this.
“i heard you’ve been going camping lately?” jonghyun asked as he took a bite of his food, receiving a nod in return, “you should invite me sometime. the others, too. taeminnie might be a bit paranoid about all the bugs out there, but.. it’d be nice.”
it was a cute thought. whether it was just him and jonghyun or included all of the members, he was already creating a makeshift schedule in his head. maybe they could even make a show out of it if they decided they were entertaining enough?
jonghyun thought for some moments, instinctively pouting in thought before his head rose to gaze at jinki. “i was reading through my fanletters last night. the ones i got on the last broadcast of blue night.”
he still had pictures of the shawols that were watching from outside the confines of the studio. it was such a cold day.. and yet they insisted on keeping him company.
“oh? is that why you cried?” he inquired, taking another quick bite of his food as he tilted his head.
“it was―part of the reason. i guess i just.. i promised them i would return soon, back then. but it’s been so long...”
jinki’s brows furrowed some as he listened to jonghyun, before softly chuckling. “jjongie.. they would wait for you no matter what, you know that. our fans love you to the moon and back. though, more than anything, i think they just want you to be happy. that matters so much more than a radio show.”
jonghyun felt a smile return to his face. of course, the words only reiterated what he had read in that letter, but.. reassurance from jinki helped more than he could ever imagine.
it meant so much more, knowing what jinki had gone through. misunderstandings that blew out of proportion, his career at risk either because of a scandal or because he could have lost his voice back then. the constant stresses of being a leader, being the oldest. and still, their fans―the ones that mattered―stayed by jinki’s side, no matter what. they loved him *wholeheartedly*.
and jonghyun knew his fans did, too. they always treated him with such love.. more than he could have ever expected or imagined.
“thank you, jinki..” his shoulders already beginning to slightly shake, eyes glimmering with tears that caught even himself off guard.
jinki rushed to jonghyun’s side, kneeling beside the chair and helping to wipe at the tears that threatened to roll down his cheeks. “hey.. you’re okay. i’m so proud of you, jonghyun. and i know our fans are, too.”
jonghyun’s hands rose to hold jinki’s, a soft smile rising to his cheeks as he leaned to press their foreheads together. “have i ever told you how much i love you, jinki?”
he caught himself off guard, asking that. what was he saying? did he even hear himself? jinki was obviously only trying to be nice and comfort him, so why― “..fuck, i didn’t mean to ask that. that wasn’t..” he panicked, internally hitting himself on the head. he probably sounded like a freak, that came out way too soon, he wanted to say it at the right time―
jinki’s brows furrowed again, hands giving jonghyun’s a squeeze to get him out of his head; lifting them to place a kiss on each knuckle. the worried pout from jjong made his heart ache.
“jonghyun, i think i’ve been in love with you since i first saw you. when i thought you were a hyung, when you were the first to show me around the company. you were shining.” the memory was so evident in jinki’s head. how jonghyun, smiling bright like the cutest golden retriever, grabbed his arm and guided him through the building. he glowed like the sun.
seeing jjong smile meant everything to jinki. though every emotion looked perfect on him. he was beauty incarnate.
jonghyun was sort of just.. dumbstruck? jinki returned his feelings? not even that, he was in love with him for that long? how had he not noticed? he supposed jinki was always one of the best at hiding his emotions.. and he knew jinki would never lie to him.
jonghyun sniffled, moving a sweater paw up to cover the majority of his face and trying his best not to just break down from all of the emotions suddenly bubbling to the surface of his mind.
“you hid it for over a decade.” he eventually muttered, words muffled by the cloth but spoken loud enough to be heard. he wasn’t angry, not at jinki―moreso at himself. he could only imagine how much he must have been suffering, having to deal with all the nuances that came with being a leader in love with one of his members. being the one most expected to uphold the rules...
jinki huffed, intertwining his fingers with that of the hand he still was holding. “what about you? you must have suffered a lot, too, jamong. i wasn’t the only one.” he started, resting his head on one of jonghyun’s thighs.
jonghyun took a sharp breath behind his sweater paw, a telltale sign that he was borderline sobbing at this point.
“jjong―” quickly standing up, arms wrapping around the smaller of the two and slowly guiding him to stand so he could rest his head on jinki’s chest.
he didn’t even know why he was crying this time. he wasn’t sad―he and jinki finally were able to take that final step! he was probably the happiest he’d ever been, though he did still feel a pang of guilt for letting this go on for so long. for likely making jinki think this was an impossible outcome.
“look at me, beautiful?” jinki coaxed, hands moving up to hold jonghyun’s arms gently. he smiled when the smaller of them allowed him to move his arms away and looked up towards him. he leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.
until he’d met jonghyun, he didn’t think someone could look so beautiful while full-on sobbing. but their concerts―and now―proved that wrong.
“you don’t have to worry about me, okay? that was all in the past. and it was all leading up to this moment.” he knew jonghyun believed in destiny.. which meant that them taking this step was bound to happen eventually. and it would always have been worth the wait.
jonghyun suddenly chuckled, “did the five of us meeting make all of us suddenly believe in destiny?”
jinki shrugged, though it seemed likely. things started rough in the beginning (what did they expect, putting five teenagers together?), but their relationship now was the best it had ever been. ..as was evident by their newly-bought friendship rings.
“you know how the others got that diamond ring? what if we bought them too, but just used them as engagement rings?” jjong continued, getting an amused chuckle in response.
“i thought we’re supposed to be ‘married to the music’? don’t we need to divorce it first?” jinki responded with a feigned look of surprise.
jonghyun started to laugh, “right, right.. i’ll get on filing divorce papers, then.”
as he watched the sunny smile return to jonghyun’s face, jinki knew that he was destined to follow him to the ends of the universe. and he wouldn’t have it any other way.