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It's funny how hundreds of verses and melodies come out of Hanbin's mouth, but, the words stay right on the tip of his tongue and don't seem to want to come out. His voice wavered as it almost never usually does and he feels a little dumb.
Of course, it's easier for him to feel it than to say it, it's easier to keep his words to himself and just get on with what he's supposed to be doing, and in some part he's grateful that his team is too busy training.
His world is made up of so many things, moments, and people, but, there is someone who stands out within the chaos of his mind at 03:00 a.m., there is someone that even if Hanbin decided not to pay attention to him, it would be useless to resist his charm and shine.
Minseo, it's all about Minseo, the silly jokes and the words of encouragement, the pinky promises made and the smiles they exchange as happiness floods their hearts.
As hectic and chaotic as his world is, he’s satisfied to be able to see Minseo in the hallways or when they have short breaks and decide to talk for even five minutes, but those five minutes make his day better.
Although his favorite time is the nights, the nights in which he can finally let himself fall on his bed and sink into the world of dreams, ignoring his reality in which he needs to survive, there is no worry or tiredness, it's just his blank mind and the snoring of his teammates.
And now he's here, trying not to make too much noise so as not to wake Minseo's teamatesy as they try to get comfortable in bed, and maybe Hanbin's feet are freezing a bit but he doesn't really care as long as he can be next to Minseo.
"Stay together" that is the promise Hanbin had made that night at the Han River where they were only honest with each other, where he had to hold Minseo in his arms because in tears he had confessed to him that he was tired and didn't know what to do, when Hanbin hugged him and gave him little pats while trying to make them both calm down, because something was certain, and it was the fact that Minseo felt too much pressure as a leader.
"I will follow you wherever you go" are the words that had come from Hanbin's lips.
He had kept his word, that's why they were here with the other trainees trying to fulfill the same dream, pursuing the same goal and being each other's shoulder to cry on.
And that overwhelms Hanbin, he doesn't say it, Hanbin doesn't say it so as not to worry Minseo, he has enough to deal with his own problems, but, how is he supposed to ignore something like that?
How far can he go for Minseo?, will he ever be able to finish reaching him?
Think of the past, of the way fate made them meet among the billions in the world, of all cities and all places, they managed to find each other even before they debuted together and faced the world.
Think of the present, the way the world tests them and plays with them, the way it has to start all over again and the way that despite all the good and the bad, Minseo is still there.
Thinking about the future terrifies him, he knows what his position is, he knows he may not be able to continue and this is his last round, but, this time he doesn't know if Minseo will be there too.
He is a bit selfish but he wants to be together with Minseo for a long time more, that's how it was, that's how it is and that's how it has to stay, but, what else can he do when he is always one step behind Minseo?
What else can he do when the one his heart loves is Minseo?
Hanbin always knew, but, accepting it as part of his reality was something that caused him too much fear, what would Minseo think?, what would his friends think?, how would it affect his world to accept that he likes a boy and that boy was his best friend?, Hanbin was a bit fearful and always ended up imagining the worst scenario, so he always stopped one step before, always stayed back and turned around.
But now, contemplating the panorama and being sheltered by the darkness of this winter night he feels even more fearful and pathetic.
"How come he hasn't noticed yet?" Sihun had said to him once while they were together in the Love Me Or Leave Me team, a simple late night conversation that had led from one topic to another, and maybe Hanbin said something that left him too exposed, and it really wasn't hard for Sihun to figure out what was going on, but then again, Hanbin couldn't let them find out.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Hanbin said simply covering himself with his blanket and pretending to be asleep.
Sihun isn't going to push him, if Hanbin doesn't want to talk he won't force him, but that doesn't mean Hanbin can't listen to him.
"No one's future is assured, no one knows what's going to happen, and no one knows when people will leave, so I think you shouldn't wait so long to tell him."
But that was the problem, and Sihun wouldn't have to know, nor Hanbin why tell him, so, he lies still as he turns his back to him and tries to sleep, tries not to bite his nails, but again, there are the unspoken words, the secret he's not willing for the world to know, and yet, Minseo already knows, Hanbin knows that he knows, and maybe that terrifies him a little more.
Because, if Minseo knows, why does he behave the same way he always does?, why does he look at Hanbin the way he does?, why does he embrace him to the point that they become one?, why is Minseo so unfair to him?
Sihun was right, how could he not realize it?, how could Minseo ignore the fact that Hanbin's existence is based on adore him?
Hanbin's love was an enigma even to himself, he did not speak with words but with actions, sometimes he was embarrassed and did not know what to say, sometimes things were too much for him and he just kept quiet, but on no occasion did Minseo ever reproach him or get angry with him, and, he would only extend his hand and Hanbin was the one who held it as they intertwined their fingers and sealed their promise.
Minseo never asked too much of Hanbin but Hanbin wanted to give him everything he had, only he was afraid that he would not be enough, he panicked and dreaded the thought of Minseo being disappointed in him, he would never forgive himself if something caused whatever bond they had to break.
And, when he least realizes it he is crying, his cheeks start to feel warm and his eyes start to burn, how could he submerge himself so much in his stupid thoughts?, he can't do this, he can't wake up Minseo and explain him everything that is happening, but, the more he tries the harder it is for him to be able to breathe, it is like falling in the bottom of the sea without being able to float, it is like getting punched in the stomach and running out of air.
He tries with all the strength he has, but it's useless, because Minseo is already starting to move and he turns around to be able to look at Hanbin, he can't see him well because of the tears blurring his eyes, but he knows this is real when Minseo doesn't even take five seconds to realize what is happening and pulls him to him to cradle him in her chest and try to reassure him while she gives him little caresses on his head.
Minseo is smaller than him, but, he has always made him feel safe and secure.
But, he doesn't want to listen to him because he's afraid he won't be able to contain himself and end up pouring out his whole heart. Hanbin is faint to Minseo's voice a little deep thanks to just waking up but soft and calm enough to sweeten Hanbin's ears.
"Are you okay Binnie-ah?" Minseo says as he continues to pat him on the head as if it's something so natural between them, something that is and so it should be.
"I really don't know " and it's true, Hanbin's voice cracks a little as Minseo pulls him a little closer to him and hides him in his chest. Being so close terrifies Hanbin, Minseo's heart beats quietly almost like a melody and the Hanbin goes very fast as if it wants to burst out of his chest.
"They're not listening, you can tell me if you want to," says Minseo playing with Hanbin's hair.
"The thing is, I don't know what we're supposed to be."
Minseo takes a moment to think, because, what are they supposed to be?, sure, they're closer than just friends, but they haven't gotten far enough to be anything more than friends. "We're soulmates, you said that Bin."
"I know that, but" Minseo can't see it but Hanbin has a pout on his lips, the same pout Hanbin makes when he's embarrassed.
"But?" Minseo asks him, what does Hanbin mean?
Hanbin is about to risk everything, he takes a small breath and closes his eyes, maybe if he doesn't see anything it will be easier for him, maybe if he doesn't see Minseo he might not be so afraid of making a wrong step.
"But, I like you Minseo, my heart wants to wants you" Hanbin knew he sounded pathetic, he looked pathetic and this whole situation was pathetic, why was his voice shaking so much to say what he always wanted?, why does he feel like he's choking when all he ever was was having the courage to be able to be honest with Minseo?
"I'm scared," Minseo admits, and, it's weird to say it out loud, but before Hanbin can interpret otherwise, Minseo continues, "It makes me sick to even think about the fact that I might hurt you, or, that things won't work out that way and we'll end up hating each other."
Hanbin tries to answer him, how could he ever hate Minseo?
Minseo pulls away a little, just enough so that he can stand face to face and can tell Hanbin what he has to tell him.
"But, every time I think about bad things I always end up thinking about how beautiful your smile is and how I want to do everything I can to keep it, I think about how soft and warm it feels to hold your hand, I want to hold your hand when you are scared or when you just need something to hold on to, I think about how safe and comfortable it is to hug you, how comfortable it is to lean on your shoulder when things get tough and the sweet smell that intoxicates me when i hold you this close."
"I think of the mornings where the first thing I see when I wake up is you by my side, I think of the sunny afternoons where the sky is painted in colors, but who I see is you and only you, and I think of these nights, where it can be just you and me."
"I think about how precious are the moments I've spent together with you, and the fact that I want to create many more "
"I think about how lovely your voice is, how I could never get tired of listening to you and how it's a just like a melody to me."
"I think about how lucky I am that you call me your soulmate, I think about how lucky I am to be able to know you and to be here with you."
And, things start to make sense in Hanbin's head, sure, Minseo is not a person who enjoys waking up early, but always, no matter they can only sleep two or three hours, Minseo always says good morning with a smile on his face, even if his voice is hoarse and he still can't open his eyes wide due to tiredness.
Hanbin remembers their walks in the park, when they both watch the sunset, and as Hanbin takes a few pictures - because he really loves to treasure those kinds of memories - , every time he turned around he could tell that Minseo was not watching the sun go down, but that his gaze was on Hanbin, not seeing anything other than that was him, but when Hanbin noticed it, Minseo would simply look away and make a comment about it having been a good day.
And the nights, how could Hanbin forget his nights together with Minseo, when they would stay up late practicing , to the point where Hanbin's legs simply wouldn't respond anymore and Minseo would have to guide him to his bedroom, or, when Minseo would try to learn song after song, and there was Hanbin listening to him and guiding him so he wouldn't hurt his throat.
He remembers the nights when they would decide to be a little irresponsible and stay up late eating ramen and playing games, the nights where Hanbin was scared because in the afternoon they had watched a horror movie and he couldn't sleep if Minseo wasn't cuddling him, and, the nights like this, where they could just talk for hours until one of them fell asleep.
At night they both felt more real and honest with each other.
"Hanbin, if it's not you, who else could it be?, who else could I think of when I hear love songs if not you?, in what way would it not be you?" Minseo says it faster than he almost doesn't think about it, it doesn't take him long because it's something he's been sure of all this time.
"Min, I" He feels overwhelmed at the memories hitting him one after another and Minseo's words stabbing into his heart.
"Wait, just a little more " Hanbin looks up and nods.
"I really mean it, I've thought about this so many times I've already lost count, but maybe it's my fault."
"I thought of so many scenarios, the good ones and the not so nice ones, the happy ones and the sad ones, in each and every one of them I want to be together with you, I only want you.
"The one I love is you Hanbin."
Minseo says it in the most sincere way possible, but he regrets it, not because of what he said, but because he thought this was not a good time to do it, he had thought of asking Hanbin out, walking in the park and telling him while watching the sunset, or, maybe inviting him to dinner at his favorite restaurant and bringing him a bouquet of flowers, or in any other setting, not this one, on a cold winter night where he can't even speak out loud because his teammates might hear them, instead, they are limited to little whispers, to words carried by the wind and deposited in each other's ears.
Minseo knows that the only person who can see Hanbin like this is only him, even if his vision is not too good, Hanbin shines right where he is, where the moonlight makes him look prettier than ever, even his cheeks are flushed and there is still a brief trace of tears that have stained his shirt.
Despite everything, Minseo can't stop looking at him, can't stop getting lost in his gaze, wants to sail into them and stay there, wants Hanbin to look at him that way for much longer. He directs his gaze to his lips, those lips he once imagined with being able to kiss, would they be as soft just like Hanbin's cheeks?, and, he wants to take him by the hand, he wants to hold his hand and let the warm melt him.
Any moment was precious to Minseo when he was with Hanbin, even if tears fell from their faces, even if their stomachs ached from laughing so much or eating too much, it all felt just as if in his heart blossomed Hanbin, such a beautiful flower whose scent he cannot forget.
Beyond the stars, beyond the distance, they are together, they are here.
And, they love each other, they are both what each other's heart was looking for, so why turn back?
Why should Hanbin refuse something that Minseo also feels, why not just take the risk and put all his faith in it?
But again, he says nothing, no words to help him show what he feels, so he fearfully places his hand on Minseo's cheek and pulls him to he.
Both eventually knew that this would happen, and, it would be a lie to say that they did not long for it, then, when their gazes connect they know that this is real, that this is theirs, that all the love they feel in their hearts is thanks to the existence of the other,
From Hanbin's mouth always come beautiful melodies and shy words, but now, the only thing that Minseo receives is a small kiss on his lips, on those lips that so many times he dreamed of being able to taste. But it is not a dream, or maybe it is, maybe Hanbin is his dream come true, the one from which he does not want to wake up and in which he wants to take refuge for the whole night.
Minseo tries to give Hanbin encouragement as he tries to hug him with his free hand, he can feel the nervousness in the lips of the taller one and he can even feel the warmth of his cheeks and hear how fast his heart beats.
It is a soft, slow kiss, they are in no hurry because there is no other place they want to be, even if it is the first time they kiss and they are inexperienced, it all feels so right, as if the last piece of the puzzle is finally fitting together.
Minseo is the first to break away, but before Hanbin looks at him with curious eyes, he is embraced and pulled towards him. Their foreheads touching and their arms hooked around his waist, when Hanbin also embraces him Minseo feels a shiver in his body, but then again, everything feels so right, as if this is all they need, as if it is part of their routine, as if it was meant to be, Minseo lets go and smiles as Hanbin looks at him with that glow in his pupils that has always characterized him, the glow that makes others realize that he is happy.
They both sink into the tranquility that lulls them with their heartbeats and tucks them in with the warmth of their embrace, it is so magical that they are almost about to fall asleep, but Hanbin remembers that he has not responded to Minseo, then, that's when he whispers in his ear the words that had so long been waiting to come out, but always remained on the tip of his tongue.
"The one I love is you Minseo”
At this point Hanbin is almost certain that Minseo's teammates have overheard their conversation, and that makes him feel a little vulnerable, but, there is no room for regrets anymore, besides, if Minseo was taking the risk for him, why couldn't Hanbin do it too?
So, he no longer feels sorry if the others have heard the secret he's been keeping so long in his chest.
Minseo just gives him one last kiss on the cheek, and closes his eyes so he can sleep.
They both end up falling asleep, dreaming of the future and the love that unites them, because of all times, of all places and of all coincidences, their paths ended up crossing and forming a bond, they connect through laughter, through failures, through their words and memories, through their hugs and kisses.
In spite of everything, destiny made them belong together and they hope that this will never change, because things have always been, they are, and they hope it will continue to be that way for a long time to come.