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It was 11 o'clock, in their shared apartment
Ivan was laying down on the couch while looking at the ceiling, lost in thoughts while the lights were off and the moon shined through the window.
Till was late.
He isn't exactly someone punctual, but this time he had promised to be home early to spend time with him.
Ivan had been calling Till since 10pm, and hasn’t answered yet.
Ivan was fighting every cell of his body not to stand up and immediately go to look for his man.
But he knew how much Till hated being interrupted while being in his music studio.
Ivan had crashed in several times there before when Till had been late. And got in arguments with Till because of it. Ivan knew that Till acting like that was wrong, but he couldn't help but let him act however he wanted, since Till has been very stressed and anxious lately from work. Especially with his new and creepy boss,
Ivan got the creeps from that guy but he was really helping Till grow up as an artist.
He couldn't wait any longer, Ivan quickly stood up from the couch.
At that very moment The door opened, the lights were still off but Ivan clearly knew it was Till´s silhouette.
Ivan gave a big sigh and laid down on the couch again in relief.
“Why didn't you answer my calls, love? You know how much I can miss you…”
Ivan said with a teasing tone, since he knows how much Tills hates him being too corny or using pet names.
Ivan still couldn't see Till's face, he hadn't even said anything yet.
Till got close to the couch where Ivan was laying down, and got on top of him, putting all his weight on him, and buried his face in Ivan´s chest.
He closed his eyes without a word.
This took Ivan by surprise, and as much as this gesture pleased him, since Till almost never starts their cuddlings,he immediately noticed that Till smelled heavily of alcohol.
“Till..? Why were you so late…? Are you drunk?” Said Ivan with a curious expression but not very worried.
“Hmm…” Till responded mumbling, with a little bit of annoyance in his tone.
Ivan started to stroke Till´s hair gently with his fingers.
They spent a few moments like this, Till breathing a little out off pace, hearing Ivan´s heartbeat while he rested one of his hands on Ivan´s neck. Besides the comfort, Ivan knew something was wrong, he wanted to know what had happend.
“Till? Can we talk?”
“...”
“Love….?¨ Ivan said in a gentle and low tone.
Till didn´t answer. And Ivan knew he hadn´t fallen asleep since he knows Till´s breathing when he sleeps, so Till was just ignoring him.
After a while, Ivan noticed that Till was beginning to fall asleep.
All Ivan wants is for his love to rest, and be safe. But he knew if he fell asleep now, in the morning there was no way he would tell him what happened.
So Ivan smoothly changed their cuddling position to one where Till was being the one against the couch, and being crushed by Ivan´s weight.
It was without a doubt uncomfortable for Till
He couldn´t fall asleep now, and he knew Ivan did it on purpose.He got annoyed, but he didn´t do or say anything, he just accepted it and tried to sleep still like that.
oh shit* Ivan thought. Normally Till would get extra angry at that, but he didn´t even react to it.
Ivan was starting to get worried for real now.
“Hey, Im sorry… let´s go to bed now, would you like that?” Ivan said while he gave Till kisses on his hair, trying to get his attention.
“Mmm” Said Till in an affirming tone.
Ivan picked up Till bridal style. It sure was corny and Till was not a fan of that. But it´s now common for Ivan to do that when Till is too tired.
They got to the bedroom, Ivan placed Till on the edge of the bed. Usually Ivan would get in bed with him, but this time he kneeled on the floor besides the edge of the bed, to look at Till face to face, with the help of the moonlight hitting his face.
He grabbed Till´s hand without taking his eyes off him.
Till looked devastated, his eyes, his hair, his clothing.
At that moment Till did not maintain eye contact with Ivan, but was rather looking at their hands intertwined.
“Can you please tell me what happened…I want to help you” Ivan said with the most gentle and warm voice.
Till is still not used to Ivan being so attentive and gentle towards him,
Till´s cheeks turned a light shade of pink while he looked at him, but the lighting didn´t allow Ivan to notice that.
Ivan´s gaze on him made Till notice how pathetic he must look right now, he reeked of alcohol , his hair was a mess and he looked tired asf.
Till let go of Ivan´s hand and covered his face with both hands.
“im sorry… im such a mess. I look like shit right now don´t I?” Till said almost whispering and his hands covering his face, he started sobbing slightly, all the emotions had overwhelmed him and tried to hide it with his hands.
Ivan quickly got up from his kneeled position to sit at the very edge of the bed besides Till and being on top of him, but without putting his weight on him.
“no you don´t” Ivan said and kissed Till on the ear.
“I love you” he kissed the side of his forehead.
“My universe” he kissed his hands which still covered his face.
Ivan noticed how Till´s ears took a deep shade of pink.
“My everything….-” and as soon as he was about to kiss his ear again, Till stopped covering his face and avoided Ivan from kissing him.
“stop you idiot. It´s embarassing…” Till said while pushing Ivan´s face away, his face red, and a few tears falling from his eyes.
Ivan swept the tears away with his thumbs gently.And kissed him on the cheek.
“You're so adorable…” “I love you”
Till was weak and all he could do was blush, he would normally have hit Ivan with a pillow for being so cheesy.
Ivan held Till´s face tenderly.
“Please.. talk to me” He said with some desperation, because all he wanted right now was to help Till.
Ivan moved Till´s bangs away to kiss him on the forehead properly, but as soon as he did, he came across a bruise in the corner of his forehead and accidentally touched it.
Till flinched in pain at this.
Ivan made Till sit on the bed to look at the bruise better.
Ivan just held Tills face and observed the bruise, he just didn't say anything, he was lost in thought.
“The bruise is just to severe
someone must have punched him there.
Did he got in a fight in the bar?
Why would he be at the bar?
Why was he trying to hide it?
Why was he crying just now?”
Ivan just couldn't keep his posture anymore, he moved his hands from cupping Till´s face to Till´s waist and pulling him in for a hug, a very very tight one.
He gave the biggest sigh Till has heard come out of his mouth.
“I-Ivan?... Im okay, please let´s just go to be-”
“Till.” Ivan interrupted him, now hugging him even more tightly.
“Whatever just happened, please tell me…”
Till buried his face between the space of Ivan´s neck and shoulder, and began to sob softly.
Ivan felt the warmth of Till´s tears, and pulled him back so he could see his face and make eye contact.
Ivan once again held Till´s face with his hands, while cleaning his eyes with both thumbs.
“I-I just…” Till was struggling to build up words, the heavy sobbing didn't help either.
“Take your time…Im not going anywhere Till,...even if you flee from me I will follow you from here to the end of the world”
The way Ivan said that made Till´s stomach twist, he said it so confidently and genuinely, that Till won´t be able to ever doubt his love for him.
“M-my boss…He… he said my birthday was close…”
Ivan just listened at Till and stayed quiet, while caressing his cheeks. Stopping the tears from falling…so Till knew that he was safe…with him.
“Take it easy…” then immediately gave him a soft kiss.
Till began to feel a lot better with Ivan comforting him, he took a big breath and gave a determined look, mixing his pain and anger.
“He forced me to go with h-him and his co-workers to the bar…I-I wanted to refuse, but knowing the asshole that he is..that would´ve affected my career…somehow.”
A heavy worried look was forming in Ivan´s face, he knew where this was going.
“He made me drink more than I could manage, I wanted to call you, but they took my phone because they said it would be a distraction from the “fun”...”
Till noticed how Ivan´s expression was beginning to turn into one of anger.
“They hit you.. didn´t they…?”
“...”
Ivan took that as a yes, but he thought that was all that had happened.
Ivan sucked at feelings, the only thing he manages to do well is to be gentle, patient and attentive towards Till. But inside he was just freaking out, he hoped that what he was doing was the correct thing.
Till has been injured plenty of times, back in highschool he would get in fights all the time, and not so long ago he would do the same while drunk.
So Ivan came to the conclusion that Till was crying because of how this would affect his career as a musician.
“Till, hey, please, it´s gonna be okay, i´ll help you out on finding someone new, nothing is gonna happen baby..”
Till just stared at Ivan directly in the eye, he wanted to tell him, he wanted to tell him how his boss and the others took him to a room when he was drunk, he wanted to tell him how 2 of them forced him to take his clothes off, how he was being beaten up for resisting so much.
Till was very drunk, he just remembers grabbing a glass bottle and breaking it in the face of someone, he saw a lot of blood though, maybe he got his eye.
He fought with all his will until he couldn´t.
He just remembers wishing that it ended, wishing that someone would come to save him, he wanted someone to comfort him,to help him.
He really doesn't remember much, just the emotions he felt and some distant voices and laughter.
A woman from maintenance woke him up an hour later, and he felt so much pain everywhere, he just put himself together a little and went home by foot. He was just thinking what he was going to say to Ivan when he saw him.
He concluded that there was no need to tell him right? He just had a long and exhausting day and wanted some affection.Ivan must be asleep, he won't notice..
and here we are.
Till was about to just stay quiet, but he started to remember everything once again.
and tears began to fall once again, but this time he had a look of guilt and sadness.
He escaped Ivan´s hands and launched himself into him, making them both fall in the bed. Till on top of Ivan, grabbing him like he were the only thing he had… and maybe in this world he is.
“Till?!”
“Im such an idiot, I said something wrong didn´t I?, It hurts so much.To see him like this..,I wish I could just take him somewhere else where no one could hurt him, not even me..”
Ivan didn´t know what to say, he just tried to calm him down.
“I-Ivan, I-ivan” He said while sobbing.
Since he himself knew he wouldn't be able to say it in words,he got up from their current position and sat on the bed, and so did Ivan.
He then unbuttoned his pants to show the skin of the lower part of his abdomen and upper part of his thighs.Then he lowered his head in embarrassment, unable to meet Ivan´s gaze.
Ivan´s eyes widened at what he saw.
Till was covered in bruises and his skin was irritated.
Of course, Ivan knew exactly what it meant.
Till turned around after he saw Ivan´s reaction, he looked so confused, so guilty and angry.
He realized that he shouldn't have told Ivan, he knew he would blame himself for what happened the rest of his life…
And that was exactly what was going through his mind.
“I should have done something
I could have done something
He was going through all of it while I was having dinner right?
it's my fault
I had to protect him, that's all I live for
He is all I live for.
What do I do?
All I ever do is to comfort him physically,
But is that all he needs?
I can't build words for this.
Do I tell him how much I want to kill those bastards?
Do I tell him how much I love him even if he already knows?”
Ivan couldn´t come up with something so he decided to let it flow.
Ivan began to tear up, and Till turned to look at him.
Then Ivan took his wrist and pulled him close, close enough so he could grab his face and make their noses touch.
Ivan was crying because of how much it pained him, how much the guilt pained him, how much it pained him to see Till like this, or maybe it was because he loved Till so much that his heart wasn´t able to hold it in anymore, are there even any levels for love?Because Ivans love would surpass any kind of record if there were.
“Im sorry, im so sorry Till…”
“It´s not you fault Ivan, it is not…”
Ivan felt even more guilt, now he was making this about him wasn´t him? making Till worry about him when he is the one who needs the comfort.
Even like this,Till could read Ivans face like a book.
They just looked at each other for a moment, and just gave in to each others embrace.
They fell on the bed,Ivan covering Till with his arms and Till hugged his waist.
Both were crying, but Ivan didn´t want his cry to overlap Till´s, so he was just quiet while Till did loud sobbing.
They still had to grow together, as a couple and as people.
But in this moment, all they had was each other.
Maybe all they ever had was each other.
Ivan covering Till in his embrace, protecting him, and admiring him with open eyes, because even if his heart ached while he looked at him, at the same time he was the most beautiful person he has ever laid his gaze on.
And Till, surviving because of this warmth and comfort he found and was provided, closing his eyes shut because he wants to hang on to this and feel it in his soul.
Does Till even love Ivan? or does he love the feelings of comfort and safety he provides for him?
Perhaps it's that way in every other universe right?
Yes. It is
There is no universe in which they could ever be happy without destroying each other,
Maybe there is no universe in which Till learns how to love Ivan, and maybe there is no universe in which Ivan stops following Till, even if that means making him his one and only reason for living.
Well, in another life perhaps, right Till?
Those were Ivan´s last thoughts before falling to the ground and shutting his eyes close, not before looking at Till's eyes meeting him. While the rain was falling into the stage, and even if it was selfish, maybe he wished that there was one universe out there where he would fall in love with someone else, someone that would reciprocate his feelings, even a fraction of what he gives would be enough.
“No…
This is right…
this feels right,
there is no other way I wish to die, if it isn't for Till…
So I hope in every other universe I can die like this…
looking at you, and you looking at me…”
I love you Till, I always will, I have no regrets, in every other timeline, in every other universe.
it
will
always
be
you.