Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Children, apparently, hadn't been told who the hell Jinx was. 

It was kind of funny if she thought about it too hard. The inherent comedy in the notion that Jinx the terrorist, of all people, would be left to entertain the adoring children. The idea that they didn’t know or didn’t care who she was.

While the adults were still wary and skittish, toeing the line between afraid and hateful, the kids were acting like she was just a new babysitter for them. It was hilarious considering how it made everyone over the edge of twelve look like they’d pop a blood vessel.

It was also slightly hurtful, but Jinx understood. 

Or she mostly did, anyway.

She was still getting used to that whole remorse thing, but she’d been on her own for a few years now. She knew what the streets looked like— what she made them look like; she lived in them. 

It might’ve not been guilt, she might not feel it quite like she was supposed to, not yet, but it was close. 

She cared.

It was a lot easier, imagining, after all of it. 

Suddenly, the world was a real place with real people. It wasn’t static anymore; it wasn’t just her and Silco. It wasn’t just Vi and the monsters. She didn’t feel guilty for her actions, not towards the faceless silhouettes she never took to caring about; but she felt something akin to it for the Firelights she’d come to bond with and that was close enough.

Suddenly she knew the people whose lives had been ruined. She was one of them. They weren’t characters dancing on a screen, they were alive . 

They were alive and she cared about them like she did Vi. She’d ruined their life like she’d ruined every other family she’d ever been offered. 

Suddenly, the ghosts following her were enough to fill a graveyard, and Jinx understood why everyone had been so intent on stopping her. It was too late— she felt everyone she’d ruined, everyone that cared for her, weigh on her like stones. 

Caitlyn called this new revelation the consequences of her actions which she thought was disgusting. But it made her feel like a person, so she clutched onto it like salvation, knowing her bleeding hands were not close to penitence enough. 

But the Firelights took her in anyway; they didn’t care about the anguish that consumed her and ate her alive when she looked at them for too long. She didn’t deserve their kindness. They still offered it. 

Every mistake she’d ever made could only be seen in hindsight and the reality of the flesh and blood of these people that she held and bled for was crushingly heavy. 

Caitlyn had said she should join them, anyway, and Jinx had wanted to .

So for now, she’d take care of their young when she knew everyone else was busy tending to the ill. The fight against Shimmer had been getting intense. 

It had been a rough few weeks and Jinx wasn’t good at healing people.

She wasn’t made for taking infirmary shifts and quieting the cries of the beaten. It all made her head spin and skin crawl. She’d lose it, she’d kill someone, she’d fuck it all up. No one needed her there.

She was good at fighting. She was good at covering their backs and helping them shut down the factories or figure out the trade routes. She wasn’t good at dealing with the aftermath. Her hands, her inventions— they weren’t made for healing.

She found other ways to be useful. She had always been, if nothing else, entertaining.

She could see the way mothers’ shoulders sagged, and fathers fell against the big tree when Jinx took their children’s hands and herded them away. She could see the kids’ excitement as she smiled and let them chat away. It wasn’t good for the children to see their parents like that, anyway.

It was easy to see from the outside; an unspoken reality everyone was too scared to acknowledge. They were only as good as the care they offered the innocent. 

Essentially, the Firelights needed a babysitter. The realization made Jinx giddy with something to do and she took on the role easily.

She’d get back to the base after the latest mission, wash up, dress her wounds, and scout out which parents needed what. Most of the time, they just needed someone to distract their kids for them. And Jinx was one hell of a distraction, reservations aside.

She could tell that despite their looks and spiking blood pressure, they were slowly growing accustomed to the rhythm of it. After all, they were the ones that voted to keep her here. It had been a few months since the call had been made, and she hadn’t made them regret it yet.

It made her swell with satisfaction.

Children were precious but so were the injured; they couldn’t handle both, but Jinx could handle one for them. She could feel them start to soften into something akin to gratitude.

“Jinx! Jinx!” The kids called, kickstarting her latest shift.

“Yes, my little monkeys?”

“Do more jumps!” One of them called.

“On one hand!” Another cheered.

Soon, she found all of them agreeing, cheering, and cooing out different names and acrobatics they wanted her to show them. When she looked at their big, hopeful smiles, she didn’t think she could deny them anything.

She giggled, jumping into a handstand followed by a backbend. Then a cartwheel. Then a one-arm handstand. Then a backflip. They cheered all the way. Jinx just laughed and laughed. 

She felt like a circus monkey. It was the best thing she’d felt in a long time.

“Hey, Jinx!” Ekko called, peering down at her from one of the higher parts of the tree. “You okay down there?”

“Yeah, they're all ‘dance monkey, dance’ .” She called back through bubbling laughter. “It's real fun!”

Ekko sighed, but anyone could tell it was fond.

“Somehow, I doubt they said any of that.” 

“You can't know that!”

“I think I can, yeah.”

“Well, they didn't say it in so many words but the sentiment was there!”

He huffed. “I’m sure it was. Anyway, I did actually have a question.”

“ More important than my wellbeing?” She gasped. “What could it possibly be?!”

Literally anything else , Mylo snapped. Jinx giggled to herself— his insults were starting to get stale.

“I just wanted to make sure you’d checked in at the infirmary. We wouldn’t want a repeat of last time.”

“Hey! It wasn’t that bad!”

She felt a kid tug at her pants. One of the smaller ones that hadn’t been told not to ask questions yet. “What happened last time?”

“You bled all over the dinner table! What do you mean it wasn’t that bad?!”

“Oh don’t be such a big baby about it, we live in the Undercity! It was hardly the grossest thing we’ve eaten off of!”

The tugging on her side got more insistent. “What happened last time?”

“Last time,” Ekko started before Jinx had time to acknowledge him, “Jinxie here forgot to go to the infirmary. You know what happened?"

The kids shook their heads eagerly like this was story time and not Ekko’s chance to publicly embarrass her. Fuck redemption , she thought, the old Jinx would’ve climbed that tree and strangled him herself.

She ignored the screeching glee of her ghosts telling her that she should do it now— that it was who she was and always had been, anyway.

“Hey,” she snapped, “watch it with the nicknames, wonder boy.”

Predictably, he ignored her. 

“So Jinxie had a huge wound that was bleeding lots on her arm of all places. We had to drag her to the infirmary in the middle of lunch. She kept saying we should wait ‘til she finished her chicken leg.”

The kids watched with wide eyes as Ekko gestured and waved what was a heavily censored and well-adapted version of all the choice of words and actions Jinx had that day. She couldn’t help but giggle along with them. 

It felt so much lighter than she imagined, taking care and being taken care of.

“Next time you call me Jinxie it’ll be you who’s bleeding all over the place!” She snapped, even if they both knew there was no real heat to her words.

“No fair, the kids call you that all the time!”

“I know you never got over being twelve but you’re not one of the kids, boy savior!”

“Em called you Jinxie two days ago!” He rebutted.

“Okay, first of all, Em’s a mom, she gets special privileges.” She huffed, crossing her arms. “And secondly , that woman’s terrifying, I’d let her call me snookums if she wanted to.”

“ Snookums ?” Ekko snorted, retreating into the tree.

“Yeah, yeah, the woman's an angel!” She called after him. “You'd let ‘er too, ya big softie.”

“I am a grown man !” 

Jinx just cackled, blowing a raspberry at his fading silhouette, wondering if she could climb the tree's walls and chase him down some more. Old time’s sake and all.

Unfortunately, she found her teasing had to be cut short when she heard the choked sounds of sobbing around her. 

She blinked, feeling someone clutch desperately onto her pants, pressing their face on the side of her leg. Looking down, she panickedly realized it was Gray.

Crap.

“Hey, hey.” Jinx shushed, crouching down so she was right below his eye level. “What's wrong, huh?”

The little boy rubbed his eyes, sniffing sadly while trying to press himself as close to Jinx as he could. It was disconcerting, but she opened her arms pliantly, letting him lead the way.

“I just, I don’t want you to die!” He wailed, fully curling himself into her embrace.

“Oh.” She sighed, rubbing small circles against his back and watching in rising panic as the other kids started to quiver and tear up. Dammit . “Gray, where’s this coming from?”

He shrugged, shaking his head helplessly. “Mommy and Daddy said something about hard missions and gangs, and— and Ekko just said you were bleeding and please don’t die . I don’t want you to leave.”

Like clockwork, the words made the other kids remember their own families, and the hard-hitting truth that there was a reason Jinx was their unofficial babysitter. Suddenly, they all remembered the very real possibility that Jinx could leave them too. Everyone, even the kids, knew Jinx was both their best and most reckless fighter.

Soon, a small group of about thirteen kids of all ages were anxiously wailing all around her.

“No, no, no.” She muttered, starting to feel herself panic too. 

If they kept on crying she’d have to get their parents and she knew the infirmary was full, and this was the one good thing she could do to help apart from getting shot at. 

After they’d all voted to keep her around too. 

She couldn’t fuck it up a few months in. She was supposed to be good at this. Helpful.

Fuck, fuck , why’d she always have to ruin everything? What the hell was she supposed to tell everyone? 

They had trusted her.

They had trusted her .

She could feel all her ghosts clutch her head at once, seizing their chance to throw all kinds of jabs about how they’d clearly made a mistake and they’d kick her out. How they never really trusted her at all. How this was all a test that she’d failed.

You ruined it just like everything else.

Her heart rate was picking up, and she felt herself about to start crying along with them — the walls were falling, the sky was closing in, Mylo’s hands were around her throat, the monsters would get her, the monsters would get her and no one would do anything, no one wanted her around, no one would mourn her, she fucked up again, all she did was fuck up, the kids hated her, the kids hated her, she was a jinx.

Jinx.

Jinx.

Jinx.

She couldn’t breathe.

Mylo’s hand tightened on her throat.

She felt like her head would burst.

She felt like a cornered animal, snapping its jaws and gasping through the leash pulling at its throat right before it snapped its neck. 

She couldn’t breathe.

She couldn’t breathe, and the world was spinning, and Mylo was choking her.

She couldn’t breathe and she felt like someone was clawing her guts open, and Mylo’s handprints left her throat looking purple and all she did was sit there and gasp, hearing Claggo’s laughs.

She couldn’t breathe, and her guts were spilling out through her searing, burning bones, and Vander was sitting there, black, charred skin falling off to reveal the fleshy brown quality under it, looking at her with his big, disappointed eyes. She’d killed him but he wouldn’t help her even if he could.

She couldn’t breathe and Silco was bleeding out next to Vander and now matter how much she begged him, no matter how much she cried or gasped he wouldn’t tell her she was perfect; all he’d do was look at her with fearful eyes and turn away.

She couldn’t breathe and everyone was cackling and she was sure she was about to pass out as a cacophony of cruel, singing laughter shrieked deafeningly in her ears. 

She hoped her oxygen supply would run out soon.

She could do nothing but cry, and gasp, and scream, and plead when a new, small voice cut in. “Jinxie?”

Grayson’s big, brown eyes peered up at her.

She couldn’t know how long it’d been but fresh tears were rolling down his cheeks, and she could feel a dozen little arms wrap around her alongside him.

“Jinx?” A little girl with long, blonde hair and big blue eyes echoed, tugging on her arm. 

Luce , her muddled brain supplied, half-coherent, an orphan. She asked if you could be her new family .

Her family , she thought, blinking slowly through her fright, trying to get a grip. These kids were her family . And they looked so small and terrified as they begged for her, even more small and scared than she was.

They were depending on her. She’d never had someone depend on her.

She was the adult, no matter how small she felt.

She was the adult and they weren’t running to their parents to tell them how she’d fucked up. They weren’t crying about how they hated her and begging for someone to send her away. 

They were begging for her .

They were clutching her tighter through their fear like she could protect them even from herself.

She felt her heart clench, softening instantly.

She was the adult. She had to be the adult.

She wiped the tears off her face and breathed in shakily, hoping she hadn’t screamed too loud or scared them too much. The thought made her feel like she would die all over again. 

Don’t freak out , she remembered, closing her eyes and taking another deep breath just like her therapist had taught her. Her whole body was shaking, but she found it slowly stopped as she tried to focus on the way the air made its way in and out of her lungs.

She could breathe , she thought, feeling the kids’ arms around her with increasing awareness. This was fine. She was fine. She could do this; she just had to breathe. It was okay. She’d been through this before, and she’d go through it again.

It was okay.

Her therapist had worked on this with her a hundred times over— she could do this and she could take care of the little demons around her.

Ugh, stupid Caitlyn and her stupidly good ideas.

She took one last grounding breath and steeled herself. She remembered what it was like feeling small and confused. She remembered wanting to run to someone that would hold her and keep her safe more than anything. 

She couldn’t turn them down when they ran to her. 

“Sorry, monkeys.” She sighed, gathering them closer to her, and wrapping them all in a hug the best she could. “I’m okay.”

Her voice was still a bit sore and shaky, and she could feel the way she wasn’t fully present. She could still feel the ghostly hands around her throat and the faint outlines of sneering voices and faces around her. But the kids’ grip around her middle was steadier and Jinx did her best to breathe through it.

“I hope I didn’t scare you too much.”

Gray shook his head, pressing himself further against her stomach. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Luce sniffled.

“Yeah, you looked really upset,” chimed in another boy.

“Just fine. I promise. I didn’t wanna scare you. You wanna know what happened?”

They nodded, looking a bit uneasy, still rubbing their puffy red cheeks and runny noses.

“We don’t wanna upset you again,” one of them called, clinging to her leg.

“Oh, you didn’t upset me,” she cooed, “it wasn’t your fault.”

She resisted the urge to add how it was her that was the fuckup, remembering Ekko’s lecture on ‘child-appropriateness’ and other stupid crap she had to do.

“Are you sure?” Gray asked, looking up at her with watery eyes.

“I’m sure.” She nodded, softly flattening his hair with her hands. “It was a panic attack, do you know what those are?”

“Oh! I do!” One of of the older kids called. “My big brother gets them when he’s really scared or upset.”

Jinx nodded. “Thank you, Lily.”

Lily preened at the praise, and Jinx could see the tension draining out of all of them, starting to feel herself sag in relief as well.

Mylo was still sneering in her ear about how she was fucking this all up and she had no reason to tell the kids about how crazy she was. Claggor just kept standing and staring like he always did. It made her feel worse than Mylo’s taunts and threats of being left behind once they realized she was crazy too.

“Sometimes, I see and hear monsters that aren’t really there,” Jinx explained, in what she hoped was a soothing voice. She wasn’t exactly known for that. The kids listened attentively. “I know they can’t hurt me but it can get really scary sometimes.”

The kids kept staring at her with wide, shocked eyes. Jinx reminded herself that they had to find out eventually. It would be fine , screw whatever Mylo said. What did he know? He was dead! She didn’t have to listen to dead people!

“So I get really upset like right now. But it wasn’t your fault, monkeys, please don’t be sad. I’m sorry I scared you.”

She could start to feel herself grow desperate all over again and tried to remind herself to breathe.

“It’s okay.” They mumbled, eagerly scrambling and squirming to hug her tighter. Her heart felt like it was melting.

“If that ever happens to you and you get scared or sad, you can tell me. Even if it’s because you’re seeing or hearing things no one else can. Or just thinking things that make you upset.”

They all nodded, assuring her they would until she was satisfied.

It became easier to ignore Mylo’s stupid fucking jabs and sneers when the kids looked up at her like she’d hung the stars in the sky, even after her little display. It was okay if she didn’t deserve it; she didn’t get to decide that for them.

“Now,” she nodded, “about before.”

“We don’t have to talk about that if it makes you upset.” Gray frowned, butting in urgently.

“I promise I’ll tell you if I’m ever too upset to talk to you, okay?” She waited until they all nodded before continuing. “But it’s important to talk about the things that upset you. I’m here to take care of you little monkeys.”

“Okay,” Gray huffed, pouting and crossing his arms.

Ugh, she really wanted to talk to them about this before it became a bigger issue. Then, God, since when did she sound like such an adult ? It was disgusting.

“I have a deal!” She announced dramatically. “We talk about this now and then we can go to the dining hall and grab a snack before dinner. I heard we got ice cream.”

The kids gasped in delight, instantly lightening up as they agreed.

I still got it , she thought happily, settling in a small circle with them. It was a nice, sunny day despite all the recent chaos, and Jinx was glad for the gentle warmth of the early summer season, as she felt the kids relaxing around her.

“Okay.” She clapped cheerily because according to Ekko she lacked ‘any and all situational awareness’ but really, what did he know. “Who wants to go first?”

Thankfully, Lily took the lead. 

“Things have been scary lately.” She muttered, looking uncharacteristically shy as she pulled on one of her long braids. “The adults have been all tense and cagey and we’re not stupid, we know things aren’t going well.”

“Yeah,” Ivy echoed, “things feel like they’re boutta get blown up any minute.”

Jinx pushed down the gnawing guilt-eating at her in favor of continuing to listen to the kids as they nodded and agreed, talking about how they were scared and their parents were scared and they didn’t know what to do. Some kids cried about losing their homes or missing their families. Others just stared down at the grass with watery eyes, like they were too afraid to admit they were worried too.

By the end of it, Jinx was just glad she’d let them talk. 

“I just really miss my mom and dad,” Luce wailed, pressing herself against Jinx’s side, “I don’t wanna miss you too.”

Jinx’s tongue felt like lead, heavy in her mouth. She wondered what she was supposed to say to that. She didn’t have a reassuring answer for them. There was no guarantee of anything in the Undercity. Even less so being who she was. 

She didn’t know if the next time she’d go out on a mission would be the last. She didn’t know that they’d always be able to rely on her. 

She didn’t know much of anything positive.

She wrapped her arm around Luce and worried at her lip, wondering what she was supposed to say. It felt like she had nothing to say to any of it. She’d lost three families before joining the Firelights. 

Even then, she didn’t know how long that was gonna last— she wasn’t even sure if they counted her as family. 

There wasn’t much solace she could offer if she had so little of it for herself.

She sighed, feeling her lip quiver slightly. 

“I understand,” she started, trying to measure her words carefully, “we all get scared sometimes. And I know it’s very scary to see the people you look up to be just as afraid as you are.”

She breathed slowly, remembering how scared she felt when she saw Vi’s face after the incident at the factory. How terrified she was when she saw Silco’s paralyzed expression after she shot him. She wanted more than anything for them to take her into her arms and fix everything for her. They didn’t.

She wished she could do that for them, now.  She wished there was a way to blow up their problems and make everything right. 

She knew she couldn't. 

“But,” she continued, tentatively, “it's okay to be scared. And it's okay to talk about it. Even when the adults are scared too.”

She took a moment to mull over her words further, knowing she couldn't really make any promises about the future. 

“Listen, I'm gonna give it to you straight, okay? I can't promise nothing bad will ever happen because I'm not a liar . But I can promise the Firelights will always care about you. I will always care about you. And I'll do everything in my power to stay safe and keep your families safe too, okay? None of us would leave you by choice.”

She could feel herself start to choke up again, could feel another spiral creep up on her. She tried to breathe again, gripping the grass at her sides; relishing the grounding feeling of dirt gathering under her long nails. She could totally do this. 

Ekko, Caitlyn, and Vi pulled these speeches all the time! She was doing so great .

“Focus on right now. On ice cream, and the fields, and Ekko’s stupid speeches, and your families. Waiting for the bomb to blow won’t defuse it, it'll just make you feel like you're being blown up way before it goes off.” 

The kids nodded slowly, and Jinx wondered if any of it had actually gotten through to them. It was mostly just stuff she'd spouted from therapy, and she couldn't quite make sense of it yet herself. But hearing the words reassured her, they made her feel better. Hopefully, they made them feel better too. That was all she wanted.

“And hey! I'm real hard to get rid of.” She grinned. “There's no need to worry about me. Ekko says I'm like mold. Or like, cockroaches.”

At that, the kids giggled a bit, making disgusting sounds and faces, as Jinx stuck her tongue out at them in faux offense. She took the opportunity to jump on her feet, tired of all the emotional conversations.

“Come on!” She whooped, throwing her hands up. “Who wants to ruin their dinner with ice cream?!”

As expected, the kids instantly brightened and jumped to their feet, following her to the dining hall with eager smiles, if a bit clingier attitudes. Jinx recognized the win for what it was.

“I heard Caitlyn got us all the fancy topside flavors! It's a real bummer she didn't let me steal them, though.”

“You'd steal the clothes on your back, if you could, Jinx.” Aconite rolled her eyes beside her.

“Okay, first of all,” she giggled, “I don't appreciate your sass . And secondly, your name is literally a badass poison, you're supposed to be on my side!”

“Yeah, well,” the eleven-year-old drawled, “my parents had a real great sense of humor.”

“Good thing purple’s your favorite color!” Jinx answered cheerily. 

“You never make fun of Ivy and Cricket for their names.” She huffed, crossing her arms moodily.

“Aw,” Jinx pouted, “but they never make fun of me back. That'd just be punching down.”

“Yeah, I forgot you consider yourself to be at the same level as an eleven-year-old girl. My mistake.”

“That's the spirit!”

“Hey!” Ivy called, straying from the little group behind them, “what the hell's that supposed to mean?”

“No fucking swearing.” Jinx sang, not even bothering to look behind her.

“Oh, come on, Ivy.” Hunter huffed, running up behind her. “You know she's right.”

“Is not,” the girl mumbled, crossing her arms.

“She kind of is, Vy.” Her twin sighed, wrapping an arm around her sister's shoulders.

“You know, I keep offering to fight her for you…”

“Hunter!” Jinx called. “What did we say about fighting other kids’ battles?”

Hunter huffed, now pouting alongside his friend. “Only to do it if it's a life or death situation.”

“No, I said only do it if it's a life or death situation and all the adults are out of commission.”

“You know, that's kind of ambiguous—” A new voice pointed out from the back of the group.

“Sage, please don't start this argument again…” Idris sighed. 

“You argue with Jinx one time —” He huffed, pushing up his glasses.

“She didn't play with us!” Grayson butt in with all the anger a four-year-old could muster. 

“No glitter bombs!” Ima agreed, babbling behind them.

“You know,” Jinx winced, laughing uncomfortably, “I'm not sure how happy the adults are about me teaching a three-year-old the word bomb.”

“Eh,” Aconite shrugged, “we live in the Undercity. Someone would've gotten blown up, anyway.”

“Wow, I am a horrible influence.”

“Yeah, but it's too late to back out now.” Lily's brother, Ash, called from behind her. “You're like our unpaid babysitter.”

“Aw, but Ash, you pay me in all this overwhelming affection .”

At that, she felt little Luce lean further into her side and beamed down at her, feeling lighter than she had in years.

“Nah, it’s totally because you like like Ekko,” Kal announced, trailing in front of the group.

Cally choked out a laugh beside him, looking a bit alarmed at his statement.

“You're ten .” Jinx screeched. “How would you know that, you can't even tie your own shoelaces, you brat!”

“Can too.” He huffed. “Ash and Cally just help me sometimes.”

“You,” she jabbed, “are a horrible liar. Wouldn't last a day on the streets.”

The kids just giggled, used to her dramatic recountings of how she'd coddled them into softness.

“So you do like Ekko?” Cricket squealed excitedly.

“Are you gonna get married?” Luce questioned, peering up at her.

“What does married mean?” Gray followed.

“It means two people that love each other a lot decide to be together forever,” Sage explained eagerly. “Like Ivy and Cricket's moms.”

“Or like Cait and Vi!” Kal added happily. 

“You should marry Ekko then.” Luce nodded.

Ima just giggled, echoing Ekko, Ekko, and clapping her hands happily. Jinx was mostly sure she just wanted ice cream.

“I think he likes you too,” Lily stated wisely.

“He does!” Kal agreed eagerly. 

“He's so into you it's embarrassing.” Aconite snorted, surely echoing what Ash must’ve told her.

“If you marry Ekko you can stay with us forever.” Gray grinned, looking up at her like he'd just had the best idea in the world.

Immediately, all the younger kids erupted into delighted cheers, seemingly agreeing that it was the perfect solution to whatever problem they'd made up.

“I'm gonna do that, anyway, silly. Plus,” she giggled, wrinkling her nose, “boys have cooties.”

“Yeah but this way you won't moon after him all the time!” Idris nodded happily. 

“Yeah,” Aconite sighed, “it's getting kinda hard to watch.”

“You are such little demons.” Jinx cackled, starting to chase after them and wiggling her fingers wildly. 

Immediately, the kids started backing away.

 “Just wait ‘til I get my hands on ya!” She screamed, running after them. “I have all kinds of inventions to try and you little monsters!”

As expected, the kids screeched in delight. Immediately, they dropped the subject in favor of running around the path Jinx was carefully herding them down, Ima already securely bouncing in her arms, squealing with joy. 

The laughter carried all the way over to the dining hall, and onto the long wooden table they all piled onto once they got tired of their little game. 

Once they’d all settled, Jinx got them all the biggest bowls of ice cream she could get away with, and happily sat down to eat with them. Unfortunately, Em had been in the kitchen sorting dinner so it wasn’t as much as she would’ve liked.

Still, it was a miracle they all got to eat ice cream at all so she was smart enough to keep her mouth shut and take the win.

“ Wow , topsiders are living good.” She groaned, stuffing her face with copious amounts of chocolate.

“You know,” Em laughed, watching Jinx stuff her face with chocolate ice cream alongside them, “you look just like ‘em. Running around and screaming your heads off. You even have ice cream on your nose.”

“It's enrichment!” Jinx defended, mouth full of chocolate. “All the running and screaming is good for their little lungs.”

“That's why you've got such great stamina in fights, huh?”

“You know it, Em! Lots of running and screaming to keep everything sorted up here.” She grinned, knocking her closed hand on the side of her head.

She huffed. “I’m just glad Gray’s gonna sleep through the night.”

Jinx just laughed, feeling her cheeks start to hurt. 

‧˚꒰🌤꒱༘⋆

Jinx woke up lying down, face up, with a gnarly patch of fleshy, pink, and purple skin growing soft and tender over her stomach in a series of what were undoubtedly holes . The first thing she registered when she woke up is how fucking sore and tired she was.

“ Dammit. ” She hissed, pulling herself up on shaky arms, and leaning back against the uncharacteristically soft pillows behind her. Then, “Wait, is this a fucking bed ?”

She started to giggle, feeling a bit hysterical as she ran her hand down the clean, white sheets. They smelled faintly of lavender. It was almost as cushioned as the old mattress Silco had bought her when he took her in— much nicer than anything she’d slept on in years.

What the fuck , she thought, she didn’t have a fucking bed to sleep on . Where the hell was she?

Her eyes were burning as she blearily looked around, trying to see if she could guess what was going on. Mylo quickly appeared in her periphery, giving her a fucked up sense of familiarity she couldn’t help but lean into. 

Maybe someone’s finally gonna kill you , he cackled, maybe you’ll see your precious daddy in hell . Then, dead serious, you’d deserve it. 

She shook her head, taking in the soft golden light that bathed everything around her. It was coming from a big window at the far end of the room. Everything else was bare. 

The walls were plain white with white tiles and white sheets on a row of empty white beds beside hers. 

The only color she could find was the orange hue of a shockingly clear sunset sky. 

She didn’t get the scent of lavender from the rest of her room, so her sheets must’ve been new. 

Huh, she thought, looking down at them again. 

Huh , mocked Mylo, with his squeaky laugh and unseeing eyes; huh, huh, huh joined in a chorus of cruel voices, pressing against her ears, making her already aching head spin. 

“ Stop it, ” she whined. 

Stop it, stop it, stop it , the voices sang louder and louder; a strange sort of torture. 

Jinx tried desperately to focus on anything else— the soft voices coming from right outside the room, the clattering noises of people, and whatever utensils they were using. The warm laughter that strayed into the room; it just sounded like an unfortunate echo of the voices laughing at her .

Fuck, something else, something else.

Then: the feeling of someone’s hand on hers. The soft sound of snoring. A woman sleeping on a chair beside her bed, head thrown back, and hair tangled. Jinx wondered if she’d gone blind or crazy. She’d bet on the second one if she had to. Maybe she was hallucinating.

The woman’s hand was soft and warm, and even Mylo’s cruel taunts couldn’t convince her that the touch was uncaring.

But Jinx hadn’t been touched in almost four years, and the very thought of affection made nausea roll in her stomach. She ripped her hand away, trying to jump off the bed only to fall over with a bang and a loud howl.

Her entire body was shaking; she couldn’t tell if it was fear or weakness. Maybe it was pain. 

“Jinx?!”

The woman must’ve woken up then. Jinx could swear she knew her. She sounded groggy, if a bit scared. Jinx couldn’t tell if it was for her or of her but both left an equally bitter taste in her mouth.

She found the whole situation disorienting, acutely missing the quick agility she knew she possessed as recently as last week when she’d had to save the Firelights’ asses again . But memories of that were a bit hazy, and the last thing she could remember was a burning shimmer factory and the hissing sound of gunshots and—

Oh. They’d hit her.

Suddenly all the white made a lot of sense. She was in an infirmary. It was easier to see blood.

“Jinx!” The woman had stood up now, leaning over the bed and sighing in relief — relief? Jinx couldn’t be sure. “Oh thank goodness you’re okay.”

Was that a topside accent? 

Shit, she really shouldn’t mess with someone with a topside accent.

Weak, Silco sneered, I taught you better than this, pathetic excuse for a daughter —

You’re perfect .

Don’t cry. 

Don’t cry; you’re perfect.

Weak.

Perfect.

Jinx couldn’t help herself. 

“Hardly.” She snapped, sitting up despite the aching pain in her joints and bones. “I heal fast, but Shimmer doesn’t work miracles, you know.”

Regret washed over her almost instantly. Her stupid pride had been beaten out of her long before this and now she was surely gonna get her fucking head ripped off. Topsiders didn’t take kindly to little rats like her talking back to them.

She braced herself, everything in her reminding her how she brought this shit on herself, but all she heard was a small laugh. 

“You must not be that unwell if you have the energy for snark.”

She snorted, feeling a bit braver.

“If I don’t that’s how you know I died!” She retorted sunnily.

“Exactly!” The woman, beamed, leaning over the bed to presumably help her up. 

Jinx pushed down whatever was left of her ego and took her hand. It would be more embarrassing to let some topsider watch her squirm and struggle on the floor like a helpless worm. Fucking bootlicker would probably stomp on her like she was one too.

Fuck, Jinx thought, settling back on the bed, bootlicker, indeed. She couldn’t help but laugh a bit hysterically, getting a good look at the woman beside her. This was humiliating.

Her mind didn’t feel like it was fully there, and she briefly worried at her inability to notice sooner because was that fucking Caitlyn Kiramman at her bedside?  

That wasn’t right. Jinx should’ve noticed and punched her lights out the moment she woke up. She wasn’t that crazy, was she? She still had some kind of grip on herself, didn’t she?

She had to. 

Sure, they had their little game of cat and mouse where Jinx appreciated Caitlyn’s attempts at improving the justice system in the Undercity but told her she approved of her dating her sister instead. And Caitlyn did that thing where she got the Council to ‘let the Firelights take care of Jinx’ which turned out to be nothing at all. 

But she didn’t expect this . 

“ Caitlyn? ” She choked. 

Had Caitlyn died too? Was this just another ghost that had come to haunt her? Fucking dammit, she’d just added Silco’s ghost to the collection, it was too early for another one.

“Jinx!” Caitlyn beamed back.

Yup, Jinx promptly decided, definitely some kind of way for her head to torture her .  

There was absolutely no amount of tentative peace or favors between them that would ever be enough to make Caitlyn address her like that.

She squinted. “Am I hallucinating again? Has the crazy finally got me for good or something?”

“No, Jinx, I am not a hallucination.” Caitlyn sighed, but Jinx saw the worried look in her eyes. Not a hallucination then; none of her ghosts had ever looked at her with that much kindness.

“Then are you here to kill me? Because I thought the Council said I was the Firelights’ problem now and—  wait, are the Firelights gonna kill me? I thought they’d cut me some slack after I saved their sorry asses for the like, hundredth time.”

“Jinx,” Caitlyn cut in, sounding a bit scandalized, “the Firelights aren’t gonna kill you .”

Huh, weird.

“Wow, okay, princess. I know you wanted to be the one that killed me or whatever but Ekko’s been waiting for this since we were like, fifteen so he probably gets dibs.”

Caitlyn did nothing, mouth open and gaping like a fish. She looked so stupid . Jinx just took a dumb face to mean she could keep talking until she got interrupted or passed out. 

Or got killed. That hadn’t been wholly discarded yet.

“But again,” she trailed off, “I knew they wouldn’t be my best friends or something, but I’m more useful to them alive. Like come on, they didn’t seem like the type to put revenge over the mission or whatever.”

She paused, thinking about it and concluding that no, she was definitely much more useful alive , so really, it would make no logical sense to kill her now . “Unless they’re even dumber than I thought, I guess. But then it’d be real humiliating to have them finally kill me.”

“No one’s gonna kill you, Jinx!” Caitlyn rushed in. 

“Wait, did you just say I’m not gonna get the ye old head-rolling?”

“What? No , of course not!” 

“What do you mean of course not? You know who I am, right? What I’m like—”

“Oh, Jinx, we can’t go executing people just because they’re annoying.” Caitlyn winced in faux sympathy. 

She narrowed her eyes. “You’ve been hanging out with Vi too much.”

“You did give me your blessing,” she shrugged.

“Ugh, just tell me what the hell’s going on.”

“Well, I was going to .” She started, looking far too tired for a woman who’d been napping less than twenty minutes ago. Like, okay, she wasn’t the one who’d just had her guts spilled open, and she definitely wasn’t the one who was about to get executed. 

“I don’t know, Tophat, I’m kinda still waiting over here.”

“But then,” she glared, “you started tattling off about rolling heads and murder and whatnot so I couldn’t really get a word in. And like I said, being annoying isn’t a solid basis for getting someone killed.”

“Sure ya can,” she grinned, “I used ta do it plenty.”

Caitlyn didn’t look impressed. “It’s against the law, Jinx.” 

“Good thing I’ve never followed the rules, then, huh, Cupcake?” Jinx laughed, elbowing her like it was all a joke between them.

Caitlyn just steamrolled right over her. Buzzkill.

“As I was saying , you’re at the Firelights’ base. In the infirmary. You managed to kill both Margot and yourself, but luckily they have good medics down here. You’re gonna be fine.”

Was that relief in her voice? Why would Caitlyn be relieved by that?

Why would anyone? Countered Mylo. Claggor just laughed derisively. She ignored them both, telling herself that at least Vi would be a little relieved, even if she didn’t need her anymore.

The thought hit her with the sudden realization that Caitlyn wouldn’t be down here without her sister.

“Where’s Vi?” She frowned, suddenly regretting every time her sister had reached out only to be turned down and pushed away. She couldn’t just lose Vi again out of nowhere. That wasn’t how it was supposed to go at all.

She sensed Caitly’s hesitation, making her feel instantly back on edge. “Well—”

“I spent almost a year losing my mind, and then three helping your sorry asses, you better tell me where the hell my sister is unless you want the old Jinx back.” She snapped.

Caitlyn raised her eyebrows, looking wholly unimpressed by her. Jinx suddenly felt like a rabid little dog, pathetic and incapable of doing much past breaking a couple of fingers. She hated how exposed that prissy little expression made her feel.

“I was going to say that Vi has been sick. She’s resting in her room, but she’ll be just fine.”

She instantly shot up at that. “What do you mean she’s sick? What happened to her? Vi never gets sick. Why aren’t you with her? I gave you my blessing —”

“I’m not with her because unlike with you, we knew she’s gonna be fine.” Caitlyn snapped. “She got sick because she neglected her health in favor of pacing by your bedside for the last eight days. She worked herself up into a fever.”

“She what ? Fuck, she’s so stupid.” Jinx groaned. “Are you sure she’s gonna be fine?”

“Yes, she collapsed last night but her fever broke this morning, so she’s mostly been catching up on sleep. She’ll be perfectly fine by tomorrow, I promise.”

Caitlyn looked genuine. Jinx felt herself calm down slightly, falling back against the mattress. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could’ve held her back straight, anyway.

“You promise?” She asked, hating how small and insecure her voice sounded, hating how desperately she wanted Caitlyn’s reassurance— how was practically begging for it.

Caitlyn just smiled, small and fond, looking at Jinx and instantly softening in a way that made her want to cry. It made her feel like she was a helpless little girl again; one that hadn’t done all her atrocities and was still deserving of the gentle love Caitlyn’s gaze was offering her.

“Yes, Jinx,” she assured, taking her hand, “I promise.”

Something about her compelled Jinx to listen. 

Maybe it was the tone, or the promise — something Jinx hadn’t heard in years —, but she let herself relax, though her desperate grip on Caitlyn’s hand only got tighter when she tried to pull away. She just hoped the woman didn’t notice how the thought of letting go made her shake.

Caitlyn made no move to let go of Jinx’s hand again.

The air grew still and choking. Jinx found herself uselessly grasping at something to say only to find her tongue thick against the silence. Caitlyn seemed to similarly struggle, opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water. 

She thought about pointing it out, but looking down at Caitlyn's hand in hers she decided to keep her mouth shut.

She considered, for a second, asking about how things were topside, but she was thankfully interrupted by someone walking in before she could. Good, she thought, watching Ekko stroll in, I didn't wanna hear about topsiders.

She soon regretted her judgment, however, when she realized this was Ekko, who she may or may not have developed a teeny tiny crush on in the past few years. Ekko, who definitely didn’t like her back. 

(Why would he? You killed his friends. You ruined his life. You’re bad luck. No one would ever fall for a jinx).

And most importantly, Ekko who was awkward as hell with her, and now three people didn't know what to say. 

“So,” Ekko started, clearing his throat, “how're you feeling?”

God, this man had beaten her in fights.

“Peachy.” She drawled, gesturing to the bright skin across her stomach. “I’ve always wanted to go out with a bang.” 

Ekko didn't laugh, but she found satisfaction in Caitlyn's choked giggle. A win is a win. 

Jinx turned to her, suddenly hoping that she could somehow turn this nightmare of a situation around. Put those noble diplomacy skills to use! Being from Piltover had to be useful for something . 

Unfortunately, Caitlyn seemed content with sitting in silence and letting Ekko take the lead on whatever it was they wanted to tell her. Just like when they were kids, that meant she gave him about five minutes of grace, sighed, and took the lead for him. 

“Anything you wanna share with the class, boy savior? Heard ya had plenty of time while I was out— maybe even enough for you to think about it !”

Everyone knew the way to a man's heart was by shooting his enemies and antagonizing him. Jinx was doing great.

“Well, there was but I’m not sure I wanna talk to you anymore…”

“Stop being a baby and get on with it.” She huffed. “I have more important things to do.”

“You literally don't, what are you talking about ?”

“Sure I do,” she shrugged. “I gotta enjoy these fancy sheets before you kill me. Also, I'm assuming you have food around here so I’m holding out for that too…”

“ Kill you? ” Ekko sounded alarmed now. Strange. “Who said we're gonna kill you? No one's gonna kill you.”

“So you keep saying.” She huffed. “Okay, so then what? What's my punishment? What am I in for, boss?”

“Nothing! You're in for fatal injuries, you psycho.”

Jinx giggled, more comfortable with their usual rhythm. “Ooh, are you finally realizing I'm crazy? It's kinda old news.”

“No, I've known that for a few years now.” Ekko drawled, looking wholly unimpressed with her. She just grinned. “ Anyway , I'm here to ask you to join the Firelights. Officially.”

At that, Jinx was abruptly overcome with the sureness that he was just another one of her stupid hallucinations. She shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut, and pinching her arm. 

When she opened them again, Ekko was still standing there with the same inquisitive, if slightly concerned, expression. She looked down. Caitlyn was still holding her hand. 

So she wasn't having another episode. Probably.

She blinked up at him owlishly, all humor drained. “What?”

“You heard me.” He muttered, crossing his arms defensively.

“I mean, yeah, but I was pretty sure I just got hit one time too many or something. You know how it is. Old Jinx is fucked in the head.” She laughed. It sounded skittish even to her.

“Look, you've been helping us out, what? Four years now? You know with shutting down the chem barons, and helping us in fights, and the fact that you somehow got Sevika to back off.” 

“Three.” Jinx corrected robotically. “Spent most of that first year losing my mind.”

“Okay, so over three years helping us out unprompted.” Ekko amended. “It's been really helpful. You're basically a Firelight already.”

At that she wrinkled her nose, confused. “Why the hell would you want me here?”

Ekko shrugged like this wasn't all world-shattering news. She wanted to punch his stupidly calm face. 

This was the first time they'd properly spoken since the bridge, dammit. 

It wasn't fair for her to be the only one floundering. They had an unspoken agreement. She paid for her crimes in helping the Firelights, he didn't kill her. Key word being unspoken.

This was never a part of the plan.

“We voted.” He answered. “We all agreed.”

“What?!” She screeched, sitting up again. “You all agreed?! What the fuck are you talking about?! The Firelights hate me!”

Ekko shrugged again and wow, she wanted to punch his fucking lights out. 

“The Firelights hated you. Pretty forgiving group.”

She felt her mouth go dry at the news.

“I— are you sure ?”

“Yeah, it was pretty unanimous.”

“I— I don't understand.” She shook her head, involuntarily gripping Caitlyn's hand tighter. She didn't notice until the woman squeezed back reassuringly.

“There are only so many bullets you can take for someone before you're one of their own, Jinx.”

“I don't think that's a thing, Ekko—”

Suddenly, he took a tiny step back, smiling slightly. “This is the Undercity; of course, it's a thing. Just think about it, okay?”

She nodded dumbly, watching him walk out with a small wave and a promise to check in soon. 

She didn't have time to answer before Caitlyn was humming softly beside her. “I think you should do it.”

Her head snapped towards her. “ You do? ”

Caitlyn just shrugged, like it was no big deal, and Jinx was seriously starting to consider hunting down whoever had shown them this new, nonchalant attitude and slit their throat.

“Why wouldn't I?”

“Why would you?” She laughed incredulously.

Yeah, Mylo echoed, who the hell would wanna keep you around— much less invite you in?

I should've left you out on the streets, Vander agreed, you were nothing but a curse.

“Not now,” she growled, shaking her head. “ Please not now.”

As usual, the pleading didn't help, and she was forced to try and calm herself down before she completely freaked out and blew something up.

Surprisingly, Caitlyn just waited patiently until Jinx looked back up at her.

“Honestly, Jinx, I don't see why you wouldn't want to join the Firelights. You're doing the same things they are, anyway. The only difference is access to food, shelter, and actual medical attention.”

Was she really going to talk about this with Caitlyn Kiramman of all people? 

Eh, fuck it. Vi must see something in her.

“It's not that.” Jinx sighed, blowing her overgrown bangs out of her eyes.

“Then what is?”

“Oh you know,” she laughed, sounding fake even to her own ears, “that’s boring, goody-two-shoes crap. Wouldn’t wanna lose my edge.”

Caitlyn, unsurprisingly didn’t take the bait. Ugh, she really was losing her edge. She ignored Silco’s voice in her ear, reminding her of how disappointing she’d turned out— reminding her of how she used to be.

“Avoidance is something I’m well accustomed to dealing with, you know.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jinx snapped.

“It means I’m your sister’s girlfriend. I can do this all night.”

“Ugh,” she groaned, sinking further into the soft bedding, “fucking Vi.”

“This would be much faster if you just keep talking.” Caitlyn snorted, looking way too amused for someone trying to talk a criminal out of accepting execution.

Seriously, she thought, how long has this woman been in the Undercity?

“Do I have to?”

Caitlyn just shrugged. “Like I said, I have all night. ”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” she sighed. 

“You could start with explaining why you’d turn out such a good offer.”

“ Because , Cupcake, I don’t deserve it. Jeez, I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, no offense but if Vi’s the smart one I can’t really see how this relationship’s gonna work—” 

“No, Jinx, what do you mean you don’t deserve it?”

At that, Jinx just looked back at her incredulously. “You do remember what I did, right?”

“It’s rather difficult to forget, yes.”

Jinx just kept staring at her, wondering if she’d lost her mind.

It’s all another hallucination; no one would ever be this kind to you. What a weak, weak mind. 

“Did you get hit in the head or something?”

“Who decided you don’t deserve it, hm? Did you?” 

“Well, yeah, kinda.”

“And why do you get to make that choice? If they think you’re worthy of joining who are you to decide for them?”

“They’ll regret it as soon as I say yes.”

“You can’t know that.”

Jinx sighed, feeling her eyes start to water; the pounding in her head was getting louder. She desperately wanted to be wrong. She wanted someone to hold her, and tell her she was good— that she was wanted. 

She shook the urge away and listened to the haunting voices of all her ghosts telling her how she was right for once in her sorry life instead.

“Caitlyn, I— I'm not a good person. I've killed some of their own.”

She wasn’t sure what she was expecting but it wasn’t the tiny shrug of her shoulders as Caitlyn muttered, “So?”

She really had been spending too much time down in the Undercity. 

“What do you mean so ? It's like I'm stealing from the dead.” She wrinkled her nose, shuddering at the thought. 

Caitlyn just tilted her head, nodding at her to go on and Jinx sighed.

“I killed them and it's like I took their place. I get to be happy with their old family and they get to be six feet under with five holes in their chest.” She explained, making little sound effects and finger guns all the while because she might’ve lost her edge but she’d never lose her fun.

Caitlyn, unfortunately, didn’t share her same love of theatrics.

“Haven't you been miserable for long enough? Isn't that sufficient punishment? If you keep denying yourself goodness, you'll just be on trial until you die too. It's no way to live, and it's no way to honor the dead.” 

She squirmed uncomfortably, not knowing how to respond to that. “I guess.”

“Listen I know it sounds stupid but you shouldn’t deny the living goodness to pay penance to the dead.”

“I don’t know, Cupcake,” she winced, “that sounds like cheesy topsider bullshit.”

“Maybe.” Caitlyn conceded. “But what you’re saying sounds like masochistic Undercity bullshit.”

“I don’t think you’re allowed to complain about the Undercity yet,” Jinx grumbled.

“Anyway, I don’t think I was using topsider logic.” Caitlyn cut in, unrelenting in her pursuit of convincing Jinx of some cosmic lie that a fuck-up like her deserved good things, somehow.

You had good things , Silco hissed beside her. She wished more than anything that she could mourn her father in any other way.

“What are you talking about?” 

Caitlyn just stayed quiet, looking like she was mulling over her words. Jinx was almost excited to hear what she had to say. It might be fun, listening to whatever torture was thrown her way, to see how she could twist it into something ugly and cruel.

She ruined everything she touched; whatever kindness she was about to be afforded would be no different.

Caitlyn seemed to find her voice soon after, and Jinx couldn’t help but feel relieved despite the dread building up in her stomach. It was better to get this over with as soon as possible— her migraine was killing her, and the voices rattling around her only got louder in the silence.

At least this way she had something else to focus on. Even if it was just as hurtful as the dead.

“People have. Hm.” She paused, furrowing her eyebrows slightly, lips pursed the way they always were when she thought about something real hard. “People have this sense of justice .”

Jinx snorted, wondering what the hell she was supposed to do with that. “You’re gonna have to elaborate on that one, Cupcake.”

“When I was a child,” she started, instead, “I used to think that the point of prison was keeping other people safe.”

Jinx snorted again. She genuinely couldn’t help it this time. 

Caitlyn glared at her.

“Sorry, sorry.” She giggled, covering her mouth. “It’s just that, really ?”

“Yes,” Caitlyn sniffed, “really. Anyway, I believed that’s why criminals were sent to prison— to avoid them from harming anyone else. But that isn’t it at all, is it? For some people, it’s not about harm reduction, it’s about punishment.”

Jinx blinked, looking confused. “Yeah, duh…?”

Caitlyn just shook her head; she laughed slightly, but she looked sad. “Punishment doesn’t make up for misdeeds— an eye for an eye is born out of hatred, not humanity. People are right to feel angry, they’re right to want vengeance. It’s okay to feel hurt and hateful and righteous.”

She inhaled sharply, in a way that made Jinx wonder what she was gonna say that was so bad. 

“I was that way too.”

Oh.

That made sense. Yet she couldn’t help but feel disappointed, bracing herself for whatever vitriol Caitlyn would decide to follow with. There was no way she believed in all that yet somehow saw forgiveness for Jinx ; no matter how much she was starting to believe otherwise.

“But I realized very quickly that there’s no place for that in the justice system. It’s not just about the innocent, but the guilty too.” She sighed. “Most monsters aren’t real, most everyone is just human. Even those we consider evil.”

The little flutter of hope she was starting to feel came back even stronger, leaning into the words like they were water in the desert.

Jinx nodded, wringing her hands. She knew what Caitlyn meant, she’d seen it firsthand. She’d always love her father. Silco was good to her. He was human. She was the only one who saw him that way. It was rough. 

She was human. 

Sometimes it felt like Silco was the only one who saw her that way too.

“Sorry, I’m rambling.” Caitlyn chuckled sheepishly. “My point is people don’t have to forgive you. People don’t have to think you’re good or deserving or anything of the sort. But there’s no space for that kind of dehumanization in the justice system. It doesn’t undo crimes, and it doesn’t stop them from happening either.”

She turned, looking directly at her. Her back straightened as she smoothed down her skirt. Jinx stopped fiddling, feeling the weight of Caitlyn’s icy eyes on her.

“Punishment. Justice. It doesn’t exist in the real world. Not in the way we want it to. That’s scary. But forcing it in— creating more hurt?” She shook her head. “It doesn’t work. Bringing that load on yourself ? It doesn’t work. All you’re fulfilling is your own conscience.”

“I’m— I’m not sure what you want me to say.” She whispered, her voice sounding small even to herself. “I should feel guilty. I don’t. I can’t—”

“Your self-soothing sense of suffering does nothing for others.” Caitlyn interrupted firmly. “It does nothing for the world. It’s hurt for the sake of hurt. You don’t put out a fire by throwing more flames at it.” 

She swallowed, feeling her throat go dry with anxiety. “But isn’t it for the best? I get out of people’s way— I get what I deserve, maybe even put out a factory here and there.”

Caitlyn took her hand, intertwining their fingers and squeezing gently like she was afraid of hurting her. It made no sense— no one was ever afraid of hurting her . Caitlyn had it all wrong.

“You should feel guilty, yes. But guilt isn’t absolution, Jinx. Absolution isn’t real. And the only thing it’s doing right now is keeping you from where you’re actually needed.” 

She wondered if the words were rehearsed or if this was just the perfect cadence of a topsider. She couldn’t be sure— it was enthralling, regardless. She didn’t want Caitlyn to ever stop talking. 

“You have a lot of talent. You’re a smart girl; determined, hard-working, resilient. The most important thing you do is what you do next. And there’s a lot to do be done— a lot of good.”

“Do you think,” she could feel herself starting to choke on it, her own mind, “do you think anyone would want it?”

“Good is not tainted because of who does it. It’s about the outcome, and the effects.” She smiled, standing up just as Jinx realized she was too exhausted to entertain this further. “It won’t cancel out all your bad, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it— morality isn’t mathematics. They could use you around here.”

“You think so?”

“Even if they don’t suddenly want to be your best friends, they are the ones who decided to keep you here. You have to trust that people will ask what they want of you.” Caitlyn squeezed her hand as she left. “I’m gonna fetch you dinner. I’ll be right back with Violet.”

Jinx just nodded, a bit absently.

They could use you around here.

She licked her lips, thinking about it. Useful . She could be helpful to the people she’d hurt. It had been a while since she felt like either of those things. Maybe she never had. 

The thought made her heart flutter. She wanted to be needed more than anything.

She wanted to fix what she’d broken. Or build something new. Whatever it was they asked of her.

She couldn’t undo all her bad, but she could do some good.

Jinx wanted to stay.