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I've been thinking about getting a new pair of shoes. My current ones are worn and tattered and the soles are falling off with every step I take, and I don't think anybody likes holes in their shoes. So I went to the shoe store but they were closed, then I decided to take a walk in the park-to distract myself-for a breath of fresh air and of course it was nice. I saw the old woman walking her Beagle, I waved but she didn't even acknowledge me, and that guy who sits on the bench reading a book; I've always wondered what he was reading and his favourite story. We could talk about literature, but I don't read much anyway. Before I knew it I passed that patch of grass a couple used as their picnic spot whenever they went on a date-I've never seen them anymore, sitting under the oak tree sharing sandwiches. But I'm curious, why must one die for another to flourish? Those two always sat there, which caused the grass beneath their picnic blanket to stop growing but now it thrives while their relationship crumbles. And by now I've reached the tree-lined path that leads to the desolate road, it's always empty due to the city not bothering to fill in the potholes... though they aren't deep, drivers decide it's the same as other, more worse, broken roads because they're technically the same.
I've been thinking of going to that fancy café near the old pizza place my dad used to take me to. I never bothered to go there by myself, since I know the patrons would give one another uneasy glances and mumbled mutters, unless my friends invite me for a evening around the town which I love. I remember the time I was walking by said café and heard two people, possibly drunk, arguing outside the closed coffee shop. I didn't dare to intervene because it was their business, and no way I'd be spending time in a drunk tank when I've never had a drop ever. It's not like anyone was hurt- I think- I didn't see them on the news nor see any flyers for "Have you seen this man?" so I guess it was for the best. Though, sometimes I wonder... what if I interfered? Maybe I could've been charming with my words and stop the conflict, or I could've helped one of them- I could've beat both of them up- but violence is never the answer, to most things, unfortunately. Overall, I should just leave things to play out themselves and stay out of things I shouldn't be involved in. I'm no hero or saint, just a guy with a somewhat fucked up childhood.
I've been thinking about this girl I always see at the bakery near my apartment, she's a cashier there and sometimes I get an éclair or a muffin. She's really, really pretty and I may have a crush on her... I mean, her smile, the way she looks at me, and her adorable Australian accent- it has my heart in a chokehold. I think I've seen her around before, but it could be my unreliable memory. Sometimes I can't get her out of my head; whenever I look at her she gives me butterflies, which always get stuck in my throat every time I try to hit on her. God- she's my dream girl, I swear!- But she won't love a loser like me. Well... one time I found her on Tinder (I think that was her) and her type was something along the lines of being a kind person and being funny, so I obviously don't fit her criteria. Maybe that girl just so happens to look like her, after all that could be an old photo or whatever... I'm just kind of sad because, I'll have to live with the crushing realisation she doesn't feel the same way. I know it isn't the end of the world, but, at this point, she is my whole world. One time I bought her flowers and a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day but then I saw her chatting with another guy, so I dumped the flowers and the box of sweets in defeat; I went to the park and sat on a bench, but I didn't know the guy who always read was beside me. He looked up from his book and tapped me on the shoulder, politely asking if I was alright, so I told him what happened and so on. The guy, who now I know is called Todd, told me his life story about the time he got dumped on the 14th! We laughed and joked a bit before I left in a better state of mind. I guess we are connected in some way after all- I mean, who would've thought Todd was a hopeless romantic? Ha... yeah, sort of like me, maybe. We're both after love; for me, the cashier, and for him it was a barista called Carla. I think I should've taken my shot last year. Oh well, it's all in the past, I guess... I still have all these thoughts about her.
I've been thinking about the past and why I acted the way I did back then. Every joke, smirk, glance, shove, hug, flirt, remark, opinion; it makes me wonder, really, why am I the way I am? I've been, well: happy, sad, angry, embarrassed, lovestruck, confused, worried, sick. I don't even know why I felt the way I felt, nor the way I acted when I was feeling. I'm a cauldron of emotions and experiences- all my trauma and thoughts contributing to the amalgamation I am- and I never noticed until now. I'm everything I've imagined of myself yet nothing at the same time. Whenever I look in the mirror I see a perspective, not a person; my character is made up of peoples' views on me. I'm a creative genius to some but a weirdo to the next, then suddenly I'm the cool, mysterious kid in class who rarely speaks up; next I'm a cruel and vile person before becoming a kind and gentle soul who helps others. I'm everything, yet I'm nothing all at once. Wishing to erase before is something I pray for every night as I stare at my still ceiling fan; I haven't paid the bills in weeks, and I'm probably getting evicted in a few days. Sometimes I want to go back in time so I can tell myself to try, to give it another go, or, to fail and learn from my mistakes. I want to be the mentor I needed back then, but it isn't like I own a time machine or something- ha! Though it would be nice to have one... to change myself.
I've been nothing... and I've been everything, all at once.