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“SHIRAISHIIII!!!!”
Akihiko froze in his tracks when he heard the girl yell his name from behind him. All he wanted to do was board the train and go home after such an exhausting day. Sure, he was relieved when he saw “Shiraishi, Akihiko” on the top of the first-years’ midterm exam results, but the attention he’s received from everyone doubled as a result. But that’s what he wanted, wasn’t it? To have a good reputation?
Perhaps he didn’t want fame, but that didn’t change the fact that he needed to be in good standing at Suisha Academy in order to survive. His reputation was key to living a prosper life, after all, and that’s what he wanted. Mentally preparing himself, Akihiko turned on his smiling facade and faced the two running towards him.
“Sorry ‘bout my girlfriend as usual, man,” Yamamoto apologized, slightly annoyed with Ueno’s decision to charge at Akihiko at full speed. Akihiko already knew that Ueno always overdramatized the gossip from their school, but it was strange for her to frantically stop him like this.
“Haha, don’t sweat it, Yamamoto. What’s wrong now-”
“THIS!!” Ueno shoved her phone in Akihiko’s face. “THIS is what’s wrong!!” He didn’t know what exactly he was looking at. It seemed to be a social media post with a chart of exam rankings? Sensing the confusion on Akihiko’s face, Ueno quickly elaborated.
“It’s the Higasa midterm rankings! Kurose is at the top with 470 points, just like you!!” Ah, it clicked in Akihiko’s brain now. This was about that strange rivalry Ueno always talked about with Higasa High School. It seemed that for some reason he was being compared to Kurose, another top scorer.
“So now those Higasa jerks are bragging about it!! Even though we scored higher in total!! IT’S THE WORST!!”
“...Right,” Akihiko hesitated. “Uh, say, who was this Kurose guy again?” Ueno sighed, clearly annoyed with his inability to keep up with the drama. She started looking up something on her phone.
“Y’know..!! Higasa’s most popular first-year.. Your sworn enemy?” Since when did he have a sworn enemy? “Anyways! Now you def have to score higher than him in the next exam season! Otherwise-” Akihiko interrupted.
“Woah. Wait. My ‘sworn enemy’? Come on.. I don’t know this guy. In fact, I don’t think I’ve even seen him before-” He got another phone to the face.
“‘Kay, here. Now you’ve seen him. AS I WAS SAYING-!”
Ueno started rambling on again but Akihiko’s brain froze when he saw the picture on the phone. EEEHH?! THAT’S KUROSE?!?! He stared in shock at the absolutely flawless boy who posed with a cup of tea and looked at the camera like a model. With just one social media post, Kurose built an entire character. He seemed like such an interesting person, no wonder he was popular. It was cruel to compare someone like him to Akihiko, who was far too plain, at least in Akihiko’s eyes. He didn’t think he could name a single interesting thing about himself.
Thinking about it now, Akihiko really didn’t know how to describe himself. Maybe people would believe Akihiko if he said he was kind, ambitious, bright, and social. But after keeping his facade up this whole year, he wasn’t sure if he actually was any of those things. What would happen if that facade were to break? Would he return back to his past “nobody” self? Was that the real him? He thought back to his past friends. We’re done with you, they had said. You obviously care more about your grades now than hanging out with “losers” like us. He shivered at the memory. Aren’t you ashamed? His brother’s voice rang in his ears.
He didn’t want to disappoint people. That was the only thing he knew to be the truth. He didn’t know if he was truly that “nobody” he tried so hard to change, or if this facade he created became the real him. Perhaps he was someone else entirely. It didn’t really matter, though. When nothing about himself felt like it fit into this world, who was he to tell him who he was? After being lost in the dark for so long, he might as well follow his brother’s light.
Perhaps Kurose had his entire life figured out. Perhaps he could rest easily at night, never having to worry about getting lost. How could Akihiko compare to someone like that?
“Hello? Shiraishi…?” Akihiko was brought back to the present, realizing he had just been staring at the phone without having heard a word of what Ueno said.
“...You okay? You got pale all of a sudden,” Yamamoto asked, genuinely concerned.
“Oho? Intimidated?” Ueno smirked, a spark in her eyes at the opportunity to judge Akihiko’s reaction to Kurose. Akihiko decided it was probably best for him to keep that crisis in his head hidden.
“Haha, why would I be-”
“FEAR NOT!!” she grabbed his shoulder enthusiastically. “I TRULY BELIEVE YOU’RE BETTER THAN KUROSE BY A LANDSLIDE!! DON’T LET HIM INTIMIDATE YOU!!!”
“Ueno… You’re being loud…” Akihiko looked away nervously.
“I’M TELLIN’ YOU!!”
“MARI, SETTLE DOWN ALREADY!!”
“Now, listen well!” She continued, now calmer. “He might be the only first-year to score full points in one of these exams, a half-British socialite born and raised in England, AND!! he may or may have not called you ‘some worthless rando’....!!” I clearly am one compared to him!!! Akihiko thought. Ueno’s words only made his anxiety 1000 times worse about this “rivalry”
“HOWEVER!!! Kurose has an ‘Ice Prince’ reputation… According to my sources, he barely shows any emotions, and when he does… it’s condescending disgust. And then there’s you!! Everyone flocks to you because you’re so kind and warm!!! Plus!! Kurose does no sports whatsoever… while you’re the ‘soon-to-be ace’ of our track team!! AND!! No one in our year cooks better than you!!” Ueno continued, but Akihiko desperately wanted to leave. “Ah! I have to catch the train!! Later guys!!” He waved goodbye, escaping the conversation and heading to the train station.
He felt bad for leaving, but hearing the list of all those expectations made Akihiko feel sick. He didn’t know if he was truly anything like what others claimed he was. How long could he keep up with this facade?
He was always reminded of the looming black hole in his mind, the terrifying unknown part of himself that only grew and grew. It warned him that he’d have to figure himself out eventually, and it threatened to tear down his entire facade the longer he left it ignored. It knew that the image he created of himself was false. It knew that the glass would break, no matter how hard he tried to keep himself together. The breaking point was coming, it was only a matter of when. Akihiko would ignore it for another day.
He didn’t need to know who he was, and nobody needed to know who he wasn’t.