Chapter Text
It was suffocating.
He’s felt like this for way too long, he can’t hide it anymore.
It may be the time they’ve spent together, but Mark thinks he can’t stand Donghyuck a second longer. He can’t act and pretend he’s still in love, when he has met temptation way too much to handle his 5-year-long relationship with the boy that’s wrapped around his body, leaving tender kisses all over his face.
They met 6 years ago at school and Mark couldn’t help but fall in love with the first guy that talked to him and made him feel welcomed in a country he had never been before. Donghyuck made him feel comfortable and helped him befriend a lot of guys that are now his best friends.
Donghyuck was everything to him before, what could’ve changed, then? What made Mark feel his boyfriend was a big headache and his kisses were suffocating? His love was overwhelming and didn’t want to feel it anymore.
Poor Donghyuck. If he only knew… He’d feel as if his heart became torn apart. And that made Mark feel guilty as well.
“How was your day, love? Nice? Stressing?” Donghyuck asked when he finally decided to back away from his boyfriend’s body, looking at him with a big smile showing his front teeth, making him look adorable.
Sadly, Mark couldn’t see it that way anymore.
Maybe he shouldn’t have gone with his friends Chenle and Jeno to that party two months ago… Maybe he shouldn’t have given in when he knew it was wrong, knowing his boyfriend was waiting for him home, dinner ready and a big surprise for their fifth anniversary.
Maybe he shouldn’t have been a fool… Then he wouldn’t even think about hurting the one he thought was the love of his life, and live a happy relationship until they get married and start growing their family.
But he’s now a fool and can’t help the feeling in his chest anymore.
He looks at the brunette boy walking around the kitchen, looking for a cup to drink coffee he’d been boiling water for minutes before Mark arrived at the apartment they live in together. He’s wearing a pair of shorts that look way too good on him for Mark to reconsider the break up he can’t delay any longer, and a shirt he never saw before (maybe it’s new, he thinks) with a printed picture of a rock band he didn’t even know. Messy hair and the lines of the pillow still marking his pretty puffed face from a very needed twenty minute nap he took.
Mark tried to follow his every step, feeling his heart racing crazy. Decided to leave all of his stuff near the door after closing it and sat down on a chair in front of the minibar they installed as soon as they moved in, for their friends to talk comfortably when they visited.
His fingers moved fast enough to make an annoying noise (for himself only, Donghyuck found it cool and as a nice beat for some song he’d like to sing for his producer boyfriend) and felt a sweat drop rolling down his sideburn. Mark swallowed as hard as he could to make Donghyuck pay attention to him.
“Can we talk about something?” Donghyuck laughed because of the question and finally did as Mark intended, locking their eyes together.
A pretty smile lit up his boyfriends’ face and Mark couldn’t feel anything else but guilt. Anything else but a very intense pain all over his body.
He would make Donghyuck miserable and he knew it… But still, he couldn’t back up. He needed to break up with him. He couldn’t keep doing stuff behind his back knowing he’ll discover it one day.
He couldn’t handle knowing that, if Donghyuck finds out about what Mark’s been doing to him, he would feel more heartbroken than he would feel if they break up. Mark should man up and do it now… Now or never.
“I thought we were already talking about something…”
Mark gathers all the strength he has to control himself from rolling his eyes at that comment. He can’t help but feel a little more conscious about his boyfriend’s personality, maybe finding annoying every little thing he does would make the break up easier, he thinks.
“I mean… I want to tell you something…” Mark starts. “Something I’ve been thinking about these days, Hyuck”.
The latter turns off the stove and leaves the cup on the table of the minibar, sitting down across Mark. His hands immediately go to find his boyfriend’s, feeling weirded out when they don’t reach them the way they used to a few weeks ago, but that doesn’t make his smile disappear; it makes it wider in order not to make Mark feel bad because of his reaction.
“Oh, well… We can talk about anything you want to, love”
Mark feels like crying… His stomach feels heavy and wants to throw up, it’d be nicer than saying those words that would make his boyfriend cry. He hopes Haechan punches him and beats him until he can’t handle it anymore and leaves the apartment crawling in pain.
Anything but cry or make him feel hurt.
He looks for the right words to say but he thinks there’s none. He’s the most horrible person in the whole wide world. His partner is looking at him with the most beautiful smile he’s ever worn and Mark’s there, trying to break up with him in the apartment they bought together. In the same place they started talking about the future, the kids they’d like to have and raise together and the same place they’ve done a lot of things only the four walls around them know. Sweet and full of love.
He’s such a douchebag, but definitely doesn’t feel happy in that relationship anymore. He loves Donghyuck, but not the way he did five years ago.
Not anymore.
“I think I want to break up…”
And there it is… A confused look on his partner’s face. One that made him look like he’s trying to find the joke in his words. Mark knows he’s waiting for a punchline, something that tells him he’s not serious and he’s playing with him.
“I’ve been thinking about it since a few weeks ago, but I didn’t find the right time to tell you or talk about it up until now”.
And Haechan stands up from his place, looking astonished, but not too much to make Mark not worry about him. Gathers himself up, giving a smile to the one standing in front of him and tries to walk away, but his feet can’t move. His body is not answering any of his calls, making himself worried, but tries to ease up by breathing calmly, not thinking about the words Mark just said.
Donghyuck doesn’t want to make a scene right now… Maybe Mark just had a bad day and maybe it’s because they’ve both been so busy, there hasn’t been time for just the two of them to hang out as they did before. They haven’t had a proper date since their fifth anniversary two months ago and maybe that’s what made Mark overthink the situation.
Maybe they just need time to think about their relationship and feel the love once again.
Maybe… There are a lot of alternatives instead of just breaking up. A solution to their problems. A solution to Mark’s idea.
“Can we talk about this tomorrow, Mark? Maybe… I just can’t handle this right now, I think I need to cool down my head from all of the thoughts I’m having right now…” he nervously laughs, trying to take Mark by the hand, taking advantage of the closeness of their bodies since they both are standing face to face.
But Mark doesn’t take his hand, and that makes Donghyuck hardly swallow, trying not to pay attention to the lump in his throat when Mark shakes his head to say “no”.
“We need to talk about this right now, Hyuck. It can’t wait till tomorrow, I fear.”
“I-It can… We can fix it, I can fix it, Mark, please don’t break up with me…”
His voice is cracking up and Mark starts walking backwards when Donghyuck tries to walk up to him. He doesn’t want to be hugged because then, he’ll hug back and make no progress on his break up. Hyuck would think it was all a joke or that it was a problem that can be fixed, when it was not.
“You have to understand that I feel no longer comfortable in this relationship, Haechan.” Mark doesn’t dare to look at his eyes, because he knows they’re filled up with tears. Hyuck’s eyes must be looking sad and his cheeks pink because of trying to hold his breath… And his lips.
His lips are the only thing he dared to look at accidentally. He’s pouting and his bottom lip is trembling, suddenly trapped by his front teeth, holding himself up from not collapsing in front of him.
“And it can’t be helped. Listen, I don’t want to hurt you… I just know I need this”
“But… What about me? I can change, I can be better and make you feel comfortable again, Mark… I love you, don’t you love me?”
A tear rolls down from his face, falling to the floor and Mark can see the wet spot. A tiny spot on the wooden floor that makes his heart hurt.
He knows how Donghyuck feels because he had trusted him before when they were friends, telling him all of his past relationships’ stories and how heartbroken he felt when everyone left him and still, he did the same. He’s leaving his boyfriend and Haechan thinks everything is his fault.
“It’s not about you, Hae… It’s me, I’m the one that needs to change and that’s why I’m leaving…” he lies. “I need this break up because I don’t want to make you feel sad or hurt when you see that I’m not being as sweet or caring as you are with me…”
And Haechan believes him, sensing a hint of hope in his words.
Maybe, when Mark’s done with all of his thinking, he’ll come back to him. Maybe their relationship will be the same when he realizes they’re meant to be together, so his tears stop and takes a deep breath to calm down, waiting for Mark to look back at him.
“You’re right…” Mark hears, making him look back at Hyuck. His face is red, as well as his nose and his cheeks are wet from all of the tears he shed. “Maybe we both need to think about our relationship and we can continue when we find out what needs to be fixed”
Haechan smiles, feeling relieved at the thought of getting back together after this sudden break up. But when he looks at Mark’s face, his heart breaks up a little more, once again.
And he knows there’s no more future for them.
“We’re not getting back together, Hyuck…”
And when he finished that sentence, he just simply left. He left leaving the “love of his life” crying on the floor, kneeled down with his hands covering his face, not knowing what he did wrong nor what he could change to be better for him.
Mark left him broken-hearted and nobody could ever fix the pain of feeling abandoned by the love of your life.