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Zam yawned and covered his mouth, his tired face lifted at the action. Exhaustion was the only thing filling his head as his body moved slowly. He wetted his lips, and returned his hands to close the shulker infront of him. He hummed lightly and hoisted it up, storing it in his enderchest.
"Can you take that shulker back out?" Zam jumped slightly at the voice, tensing his whole body. He almost wanted to instictively have a sword drawn, right at the others neck. Their figure casted a shadow on him. His heart quickened as his head snapped up, so much so that he thought it'd break.
Derap stood infront of him, expression a soup of concerned, confused, curious, awkward, and scared. Zam realized his hands had clenched in panic, so hard infact that his knuckles had begun to turn white and little crescent moons were imprinted on his palms from his nails.
"Oh! Ya sure man," Zam hoped the shakiness in his voice wasn't overly noticeable as he stumbled to reopen his enderchest.
He wasn't all too paranoid anymore, but sometimes it got to him, like an instinct, a 6th sense. He occasionally heard blocks breaking or distant fireworks, or armor clinking noises, when he didn't truly hear anything at all. Occasionally he'd see figures of people in the corner of his eyes, sometimes he'd still jump at the sight of Mapicc, who was now friendly with him. He still did this, it was implanted in his head, just a response he'd learned months or even years ago.
It used to be that he'd freak himself out so much he hid in a hole for an hour. He didn't fear death or other people so much anymore, but the lingering fear and desperation from previous seasons still weighed down on him like the world on his shoulders. Maybe that was why they named this team Atlas, yeah?
His hands pulled out the shulker he'd just put away, and placed it down for Derap, who immediately started rummaging through it. Zam watched him blankly, the exhaustion of the building session slowly setting in as he zoned out.
"Dude are you okay?" Derap stood, his voice a tether for Zam to get back to the ground. He often grounded Zam nowadays, and he was glad Derap was around. "You look a little.. out of it—"
Zam shrugged, unable to form words to combat or shut down the concerned tone. He was out of it, he didn't know why he was so paranoid lately. Only feeling safe when it was just him and Derap online.
He suddenly, frantically fumbled for his communicator and checked the tablist, he hadn't heard the ping of anyone joining, but better safe than sorry. He felt Derap's gaze on him as Zam soothed his own worries.
Nobody was online except them.
Derapchu .ıIl
PrinceZam .ıIl
That was how it always should be, the only way he felt steady. His heart beat slowed, not slamming against his ribcage wildly as if it'd spill out anymore, and he placed his communicator back down with a slow nod, "Yeah but, I'm all good now. Yeah, okay... Okay. Im fine."
It was spoken to be reassurance for Derap, but it ended up stumbling out as more reassurance to himself than it would've been for anyone else. Maybe it sounded even more concerning than if he'd said nothing at all.
Derap's hand hovered next to Zam's, the heat radiating from his body was so insanely close, yet so far. Derap then hesitated, words he wanted to say hanging in the air. He turned away with a satisfied-and-dissatisfied-at-the-same-time hum, before returning to his work on digging out a new chunk of the sanctuary. The sanctuary they'd called and established as Eden together.
Zam had been designing and building the already mined out space right now, Derap occasionally putting in ideas or feedback. Zam needed this, he hadn't had a chill or eventless day for ages, except for when he was with Derap.
"Wait—" Zam was still standing next to his enderchest, all his building materials thrown about, in shulkers on the ground everywhere, and items tossed haphazardly into a corner with all the junk they didnt need.
Derap turned with a slight eyebrow raise, well, it looked a little stupid. Zam wanted to laugh at the poor attempt, it was pathetic, really. He stifled a giggle and pursed his lips, "I'm tired, can we take a break?"
"Oh! Yeah of course Zam," Derap set down the pile of blocks he'd pulled out of the shulker, steadying them as they leaned, rocking slightly forwards. Zam would probably laugh if they fell on him, but unfortunately, they didn't.
Derap stepped back, hands outstretched as if to use the force to keep them in place. He stared at them as if he was disciplining a dog. Zam giggled and rubbed his eyes, then there came another yawn.
This time, Derapchu yawned too, and stumbled tiredly towards Zam. It was as if the moment he didn't have something to work on, he realized how tired he was.
Derap enveloped Zam in a hug, his hands closing around Zam's back in a light but firm way. Zam's head spun, he didn't remember the last time he'd had this kind of affection since teaming with Derapchu.
He probably did remember when, but he had selective memory, he tended to forget things that he didn't want to remember. It made it easier to be less attached or clearer minded for making big decisions. He liked to think on logic and not his own memories or grudges. Or if things were traumatic enough, he often forgot them.
He momentarily wondered if Derap would become one of these forcefully forgotten memories, if the mention of him would send Zam into a spiral at some point. He hoped not, but hope seemingly never did anything for him anyway.
"Derap?" Zam almost thought he'd suffocate at the strong grip on the back of his cape. Its green fabric clenched between Deraps fingers, his hand in a fist. "You wouldn'—." Zam trailed off, "... Nevermind."
"What?"
"Nevermind, it's fine, I don't know," Zam brushed off his own question, Derap wouldn't appreciate Zam's mental struggle with himself. He surely wouldn't like the thought of Zam not fully trusting him. He didn't want that.
"No, Zam what is it?" Derap huffed, pulling back from the hug to put away the blocks he'd stacked on the ground.
Zam watched him silently, fidgeting with the golden rings on his fingers, "Nothing, it's whatever, not relevant."
Derap deadpanned at him, as he awkwardly pried open the shulker and everything spilled from his hands down into it. "Zam."
"Derapchu."
Derap straightened up, breaking eye contact to brush off his hoodie, "You don't have to tell me, but I'd like you too."
Zam looked away to avoid their eyes meeting again, every time it happened, he felt as if he was on fire. He blinked, barely able to reopen his eyes with their weight, they were as heavy as stones.
Zam sucked on his teeth, tugging lightly at his cheek, "You won't leave me, or betray me, right?" His voice quiet and low, like he didn't want Derap to hear it.
"Zam.." Derap's hand was hovering over Zam's cheek in an instant, and his eyebrows were furrowed. "I wouldn't—"
"Everyone says that, but then they do." Zam snapped, he didn't mean to, he felt like an angry dog, aggressive and hostile. Nobody ever truly wanted him. He's always been a disease.
"Zam, I— I won't" Derap closed the gap between skin and skin, Zam felt as if the motion was a stab to the heart, and he flinched heavily. "You dont have to be scared anymore, thats why I teamed with you, because I wanted you to be better to yourself. Okay Zam?"
Zam wanted to burst into tears, they were so akin to words he'd heard before, etched on the wood of signs, etched into his brain. He knew how that team ended up, but that time was all his fault, not his teammates. He nodded, "Thank you, okay, I— just— Thank you."
Derap moved his thumb up and down against Zam's cheek, before smiling and moving away to finish packing up all the building materials Zam had left everywhere. Zam felt awkward and useless, unable to know where to put his hands, but wanting to help Derap.
He hesitated and ended up staring into space, watching Derap pick it all up, that he didnt do anything. Derap was pulling him towards the redstone door entrance, intertwining their fingers.
Zam squeezed their hands tightly, and breathed lightly. He had started to have spirals like this often, and the last thing he wanted was for it to affect their relationship in anyway.
The redstone clicked as the pistons shifted the stone out of the way, light spilling into the dimly lit cave like room. Derap yanked them both through, as the door slid shut behind them, stone pushing against stone with an awful noise.
Rain patterned down in a light sprinkle, and there was a cool breeze. It disturbed the field ahead, cherry trees on the mountain farther out. Bunnies scattered quickly, hopping along well worn trails before disappearing into burrows as the noise of stone split the air.
"Are you okay to be alone?" Derap asked, snapping Zam from his trance, ripping his gaze away from the landscape. Derap waited awkwardly as he shifted against the grass underfoot.
Zam didn't really know the answer, he wanted to say yes, not think about his own feelings. They were irrelevant and small in the bigger picture, they had a common enemy, a common goal. His feelings were minuscule compared to everything else on the server.
But he couldn't say no, he needed Derap right now, he hadn't had anyone to tell his feelings to or to put aside his selfless protector act for. He never had the excuse to stop his endless and relentless push for the end of spawns destruction.
Compared to the flames in his eyes as he had watched spawn burn to the ground, walls of fire and explosions as glass shattered and houses fell. Structures people had spent time and effort on, and structures that had been there since day one were in ruins. He'd watched spawn explode and he'd rebuilt it enough times that he put aside his own feelings to fix it.
He'd been so alone through it all, yet he never made a push to make a team, in fear that he'd be betrayed again. Jumpers betrayal still burned into his mind, still engraved into his head like words on a sign despite it being months ago. 4C's betrayal even fresher.
He never found his own emotions important enough to dwell on or talk about them, only to address in secret, when he was alone, and very little. He didn't want to cause a bad relapse because of it, he didn't want to snap and lose himself and his morals. He didn't want to become the thing he sought to destroy.
Zam stared at Derap, and Derap stared back with his look of adoration, and fondness. A hint of concern furrowed his brows. Maybe Zam could tell him, let himself be selfish for one moment, like Derap kept pushing him to be. Maybe he'd take care of himself for once, "No. Please stay."
"Okay, I'll stay for as long as you need," Derap pulled him into a warm hug, warmth contrasting the chillly, sprinkle of rain to their right, and the cold, unforgiving gray of the stone hiding their sanctuary, their Garden of Eden, to their left. Derap's movements were slow and unbalanced, and Zam thought for a moment they'd fall asleep in eachothers arms out here in the rain, "I love you."
Zam wanted to cry, either of joy or despair, he couldn't tell. "I love you too, Derapchu."
They stood there for a while, so much so that Zam had begun to cry, very lightly, and Derap seemed to have started too. It took so long for either of them to say something, that the storm outside had turned the sky dark and gloomy, and thunder ripped through the sky. It seemed to tear the air apart, and also jerk both of them back to eachother, back to reality.
Zam pulled his head from Derap's shoulder, and pressed their foreheads together, hot air swirling between them as they breathed. Cold nipped at Zam's back, and he sniffled.
"I won't leave you, okay? I promise."
Zam was taken aback from the words, head spinning, and he saw stars in the back of his vision. He nodded as much as he could, without their foreheads separating.
Derap smiled and let out another shaky breath, trembling slightly from the chilly air. His hands came up to play with the thick ribbons that kept Zam's cape around his neck.
Zam felt out of place, confused at how he got here, how he managed to get a teammate like this. How he'd managed to get himself attached to someone so much he let them become affectionate with him like this, he cursed himself for it, but he also craved it so bad.
Derap suddenly tilted his head, and grew closer, Zam felt himself suck in a breath. His hearts sputtered and beat so hard and so loudly against his chest he swore that Derapchu would be able to hear it, "Is this okay? Can I?"
Zam's hands suddenly didn't know where to go, he didn't know what to do, he suddenly felt clueless and unable to remember anything before this moment. Fog enveloped his brain just as much as the thick fog that had begun to roll over the hills to their right had swallowed the field.
Zam nodded, "More than— Yeah, you can, I— More than."
The kiss was short, sweet, nothing more than a press of their lips together. Deraps lips were not soft or even smooth, they were ripped and cracked, but Zam didn't even pick that up. This was more than he'd ever wanted, more than enough. It was everything he needed right now, it slowed the buzz of his anxious and paranoid mind. He felt like they were the only people on the world, and that was partly true.
It was over in a second, a small peck. And the warmth of Derap was pulled back, not gone, but retracted. He seemed to humor Zam's stunned face, laughing slightly as his grip seemed to tighten, if it could even get tighter. "Let's go inside, yeah?"
"Yeah," Zam nodded, finding his words again, "Yeah— Okay, let's go back inside."