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Nico had resigned himself to not sleeping after he had spent two hours tossing and turning in bed. He was tired, exhausted even, but his brain couldn’t stop thinking. Everytime he felt like he was about to sleep, his brain woke him back up. Nico eventually got sick of it and stood up. If he couldn’t sleep, he figured he should do what he does best. Baking always helped to quiet his mind, so he got to work.
Much later, when Nico heard someone (most likely Will) walking down the stairs, he froze. He stared around the kitchen, observing the absolutely massive mess he had unfortunately created. It sounded unbelievable, but Nico wasn’t exactly sure how their kitchen had gotten that messy. Like, he obviously knew he had been baking up a storm (as he had done quite frequently for the past few months), but he wasn’t sure he suddenly had a billion cupcakes around him in three different flavors. He had planned to make one batch and call it a night, and yet here he was.
Nico knew that the mess had to be bad because he and Will had a huge kitchen. It was the selling point of the house they bought together three months ago. Nico had fallen in love with the counter space, the double oven, the big open windows. It was luxurious and spacious, especially when compared to their previous apartment, which was cramped. When Nico stress baked in their old place, one batch of cupcakes felt like a million in the tiny space. Now, the fact that it took three big batches for their new kitchen to feel cramped was amazing.
But, it also meant that when it felt messy, the kitchen had to be truly a disaster.
Nico was sure he looked bright red and disheveled when Will walked into the room. He felt embarrassed, especially as Will surveyed the absolute war zone around him. “Hi,” Nico said, cringing at himself, knowing how bad this looked, how Nico had gotten out of bed, unable to sleep, and started baking like his life depended on it. Now, Nico wished he had tried just a bit harder to get to sleep.
“Hi,” Will responded. Nico braced himself for judgment, for Will to be annoyed with him, but it never came. It never did with Will. And even though it had been six years since their first date, Nico was always waiting for the other metaphorical shoe to drop. His worries had lessened thanks to his years of therapy and the ring on his left ring finger that he wasn’t quite used to yet, but he still had his moments of panic that Will would come to his senses and realize he had made a mistake. Which made Nico feel even worse because Will had never given him a reason to not trust him. Their relationship was great, amazing even. He had no reason to worry, but here he was at 3 am, baking enough for a small army because everything was making him anxious as of late.
“What flavors did you make?” Will asked, without any judgement, while sitting down on a bar stool at their kitchen island.
Nico eyed Will for a second, half expecting Will to admonish him for staying up so late to make cupcakes, but eventually decided that Will was not going to make fun of him or get mad at him for stress baking. “This one is a coffee cupcake with mocha buttercream,” Nico replied, gesturing to the one in front of him that he was currently icing. “The ones cooling over there are matcha, and the ones by the fridge are raspberry and lemon.”
“A nice array,” Will said, nodding appreciatively. “Testing out wedding cake flavors? I know we haven’t talked about it, but I assume that you’ll be baking our wedding cake, right? I can’t imagine you letting anyone else make it.”
“Hmm, I don’t know. I haven’t given it much thought,” Nico replied, even though their future, which included their impending wedding, was almost all he thought about these days. Nico finished the cupcake he was icing, and placed it down in front of Will. “Summer’s around the corner, so I figured I would test out some flavors, maybe fix the recipes. I thought the raspberry and lemon cupcake was a touch too tart last year.”
“I thought people went crazy for them,” Will replied, carefully unwrapping the cupcake.
“There’s always room for improvement,” Nico countered, focusing on carefully piping swirls on the cake before him. “There’s a reason we had such a great year last year.”
“You’re a perfectionist,” Will said and bit into the cupcake. “Yummy, as always.” Nico hummed and the two lapsed into a comfortable silence. Nico focused on the ticking of the clock, Will’s quiet breaths, and keeping his hands steady. All of that was enough to keep him grounded, enough to stop him from freaking out as he had done when he was laying in bed.
When Nico finished icing the last coffee cupcake, Will stood and took the bowl from Nico’s hand. “I can wash that. You’ve been hard at work for who knows how long, and you deserve a rest.”
“I can’t rest. I have two more batches of cupcakes to ice,” Nico said, gesturing to the army of cupcakes before him. “They’re never ending.”
“It’s three am,” Will said gently, but Nico shrugged and turned to gather the items to make a strawberry frosting for the matcha cupcakes.
“The store’s closed tomorrow,” Nico explained. “I can stay up.” Will said nothing, but dutifully washed Nico’s bowl, before moving on to put away ingredients that were sitting out.
Nico knew that he was going to have to say something, and eventually worked up the courage to as Will had started wiping up the flour and batter that covered their counters. “I’m sorry,” he said, unsure of how else to start off. Will looked up at Nico, confusion evident on his face.
“Why? For baking? It’s what you do, sunshine. If I had an issue with it, then I would not have proposed to you,” Will said. “It’s part of being with you, especially now that you’re more neurotic than you’ve ever been since you took over the store.”
Nico sighed. “No, not for baking. For getting up in the middle of the night, and making a mess, and waking you up, and making you clean up after me. I know you’re on call, so you need sleep while you can. You may need to go in at any second.”
Will shrugged. “I know. It’s all good. I can’t sleep once I know you’re not there, and honestly I feel pretty rested as is. If they have to call me in for an emergency, I will be more than fine.” Nico grimaced, feeling more and more guilty the more Will talked. “Calm down, Nico. Seriously. I am okay.” Will paused, like he had more to say, but was unsure if he was going to say it.
“Just say whatever you want to say,” Nico said, hating the suspense. He felt a pit form in his stomach. He had a bad feeling about whatever Will was going to say. Was Will going to say he was sick of him? Did Will regret proposing to him? Did he want to break up with-
“I’m okay, but are you? Like, genuinely,” Will said, his voice gentle, but firm. “You’ve been baking more than usual. You look exhausted, you’re not resting enough and you get all jumpy whenever anyone brings up anything remotely serious. You practically ran away the other day when Jason asked if we picked a wedding date yet. Is everything alright? Actually, let me revise that. Clearly something isn’t right, so what’s wrong?”
Nico considered the options he had. Nico’s first instinct was to run. To drop what he was doing, to pack a bag, and never be seen again. Then, he thought better of it, because he knew he was tired and being dramatic. He considered lying to Will, considered insisting that everything was great and Nico felt awesome and normal and his (admittedly odd) behavior was fine. If he insisted hard enough, Will would temporarily believe him.
But, Nico knew that his efforts would be for nothing. From past experience, Nico knew that Will would get the truth out of him, eventually. Whether it took hours or days or an argument or two, everything Nico tried to hide from Will was never hidden for long. And, Nico was adult enough to recognize this now, he always felt better once he had talked things over with Will. Nico learned that if he was honest, problems and worries got resolved rather quickly.
Sighing, Nico rubbed his face and tried his best to voice the feelings that had been building up inside of him. Eventually, he settled on starting off by saying, “I’m scared.” Will looked puzzled, but nodded for Nico to continue on. “Everything is overwhelming. This past year has been so fast. And things keep happening. And they’re good things!” Nico exclaimed as he noticed Will’s face start to drop. “You graduated and got a job, Jason and I now own Homebaked, we bought a house, we got engaged. It’s all incredible. And now, we’re supposed to start planning our wedding and it’s good! I want all these things to happen. It’s just… you know. It’s-”
“A lot?” Will supplied. Nico nodded. A lot was a very brief and succinct way of putting what he had spent the past few sessions trying to convey to his therapist.
“I’m a little overwhelmed,” Nico admitted. “I shouldn’t be worried. Things are, technically, great. Everything is better than I had ever pictured it could be for me. But, it’s almost too hard to believe, I guess. Things are so good, and they can’t be good for forever, right? Something’s going to go wrong. It always does.”
“Like what? What do you think is going to happen?” Will asked, walking towards Nico. He placed a hand on Nico’s back and began rubbing it up and down. Nico leaned into his touch.
“Anything! Something with our jobs, or the house, or you could realize I’m a pain in the ass and leave, or-”
“You’re not a pain in ass,” Will said, cutting Nico off. “Well, you are, when you finish the oatmilk and don’t say anything about it, or when you put your cold feet on my warm legs, but that’s really it. Those aren’t things that could make me leave you.”
“But that’s what you think now!” Nico exclaimed. “But what about in five years? Or ten years? Or thirty years from now? You might be sick of my shit. I’m not an easy person, Will. And marriage is forever, unless one of us dies or we get a divorce.”
“Well, nobody is easy,” Will replied. “Everyone’s difficult, in one way or another. I make us late constantly and I leave my shoes all over the house! You aren’t planning on breaking up with me over those things, are you?”
“Of course not! But my shit is different than yours. And like I said, now you might think it’s fine. But sooner or later, you might get tired of it. Or maybe I’m just so good at pretending to be normal and one day I’ll slip and then you’ll realize that I am this awful and irritating person. And then, you’re trapped and you resent me. And that’s horrifying, because I love you so much and-”
“Sshh,” Will said, moving one of his hands up to Nico’s head and scratching lightly at his scalp. “You’re okay. Calm down. I hear your fears, but I am so committed to you. I promise that I would not have proposed to you if I thought that you were tricking me into thinking you’re someone you’re not. I’ve known you for too long and too intimately to not know you. And, I definitely don’t anticipate ever getting sick of you. You’re stuck with me, whether you like it or not.” Nico sighed and put down the icing bag he was holding. He turned to face Will and put his head on his chest, smushing his face into Will. He breathed in Will’s scent and listened for his heart beat, trying his best to relax.
Eventually, when Nico felt like he could breathe again and wasn’t going to have a melt down, he pulled back from Will and looked up at him. “I know I’m being irrational. I’ve talked it through a hundred times with Ms. H and my therapist and Jason and Hazel. They’ve all reassured me that I am just stressed by all these life changes, that I have low self esteem, that I am just scared of being alone, that I have unresolved issues. But, it still sucks because I can know it’s irrational and do the steps to try to make myself feel better, but I always come back to feeling this way.”
“Can I do anything to help you?” Will asked. “I can give you affirmations or spend more time with you or-”
Nico shook his head. “No, it’s okay. I appreciate the offer, but it’s not a you thing. It’s absolutely all me. One hundred percent genuine self-created mess. I know logically that you love me and that we are equally committed to this, and I just have to sit with it and truly accept it.” Nico sighed for what felt like the hundredth time that night. “Even though I’ve been so comfortable in our relationship for years, which makes this suck even more because I thought I was over this kind of shit.”
“Change really does mess stuff up inside a person’s brain,” Will said. “Remember when I started med school and I had that brief stint of basically losing my mind.”
“Change is ass,” Nico agreed. “I don’t like feeling like this. I’m in agony and I’m scared you’re going to hate me in a few years and that everything we have now is going to crumble. Also, the idea of planning a wedding is so stressful, that I think I might vomit every time someone brings it up.”
“Of all the points on your list, that last one is completely fair,” Will replied, pushing a stray strand of hair back behind Nico’s ear. “When my mom visited a few weeks ago and started grilling us on the venue and the flowers and what color of the suits we are going to wear, I thought I was going to explode.”
“We should just elope,” Nico said, half joking, half incredibly serious.
“If you want to, we can,” Will offered. Nico thought for a second, but shook his head.
“I want to marry you. I’m fucking terrified of ruining your life and making you stuck with me, and wedding planning is daunting, but I love you, Will,” Nico said. “You’re the only person I’d ever want to do this whole thing with, and so it’s worth it. We deserve a full blown wedding with all the bells and whistles.”
“Like with sparklers and fireworks and an ice sculpture and live band?” Will offered. Nico thought for a second, trying to conjure up the best wedding he could think of. All that really mattered to him was Will being there, but he tried to imagine all of the different add-ons Will mentioned and whether they had a place in their special day.
“Sparklers and ice sculpture, maybe. Fireworks are a hard no and I think I want a DJ,” Nico said. “I can’t imagine making real actual people play our collective shit taste in music live for hours on end.” Nico and Will exchanged glances before bursting into laughter.
“That would be so messed up,” Nico said when he caught his breath a few moments later, feeling lighter than he had just a few moments ago. Nothing had changed, but even just voicing his fears made them seem so much smaller, so much more irrational. He loved Will, and Will (for some reason) loved him back, and that was all that mattered. Things would be okay. Nico couldn’t predict the future (evidenced by the fact he had never conceived of him owning a bakery and a home with the love of his life, and yet here he was), but he could just enjoy the present while he still had it. It had to be enough for him, that right now, he had Will all to himself and they were madly in love.
And finally, Nico yawned, feeling like he could maybe actually fall asleep.
“Aw, baby Nico is sleepy now. Let’s get to bed,” Will said, but Nico shook his head.
“I have to finish this batch. I can’t let this icing sit. The last one can wait until tomorrow, but I can’t let these sit half done. It will bother me,” Nico explained. Will nodded.
“Fair enough. I can put away the raspberry and lemon cupcakes away while you finish icing,” Will said and began packing away the cupcakes in one of the million containers they had stored away in their kitchen closet.
In no time, Will had packed away the cupcakes, while Nico finished icing the matcha ones and began washing the bowl. Within half an hour, Nico and Will were back in bed, cuddled into one another. Nico’s head laid on Will’s chest. He listened and counted Will’s heart beats, allowing it to help him unwind.
“I love you,” Nico said, just moments before sleep overtook him. “And thank you. For everything.”
“There’s no need to thank me,” Will said. “I love you too. More than anything else in this world.” And Nico let himself believe what Will was saying, even if when he woke up tomorrow he would be back to worrying about him and Will and their relationship. In that moment, Nico felt safe and loved, and it was more than he had ever dreamed was possible. He and Will were more than okay, and they were going to be in love for a long time.