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Jean wasn’t a man built for goodbyes, never truly great at them. He sniffled and wiped teary honey-brown eyes secretly when leaving his mother to join the Garrison. Jean cried an overwhelming amount when Sasha died, he never was good at goodbyes, the thought always made him feel uncomfortable.
Out of all the people he expected to see leave, he never thought Eren Jaeger would truly be one of them. Sure, he joked about the man's suicidal nature and having a perpetual foot in the grave, but he never expected to see the man leave.
Eren Jaeger, a man with, uncomfortably pretty, confusing eye color that made you want to stare for hours to decipher the splashes of blue, green, and grey or even the look of hidden knowledge, buried so deeply within that it made you feel as if you were chasing something just out of reach, something you’d never understand.
Jean was always chasing Eren, whether it was the man getting kidnapped, throwing himself recklessly into battle, or causing a stir with the government. Jean was right beside him, terrified and scowling to bite back this raw and utterly vulnerable feeling he’d get.
Sometimes Jean wasn’t sure how Eren kept going. Sometimes, he wondered if he’d be able to do all that if the roles were reversed and how Eren would feel being the one to chase him.
Those thoughts were always shoved back to the corner of his mind, a fluster on pale skin and a scowl on rough lips, a horror settling deep on his chest that’d make slender fingers clench into a fist. Then, to pick a fight with Eren to remind himself of the annoyance he felt for the man.
Now, he sat on velvety sand, letting the sand billow through his now larger fingers, no longer slender and childlike as they’d once been, when all was a tad easier than now. Back then, these feelings would wash over him and he’d fight Eren.
Now, all he could do was clench the sand, take a deep breath, and grit his teeth.
“You’re going to break your teeth,” A voice lulled out from beside him, Jean could see the darker hand running its slender hands through the sand, collecting a pile before allowing it to slip through the cracks, “Your teeth, that it.”
Jean barked out an uncomfortable laugh, sharp eyes gritting shut, “Yeah, I kind of figured.” He took a deep breath, “Asshole.” He breathed out the whispered words, trying to reminisce on when it had once felt like his second skin, his right, to say something so rude to the man. When they were children, throwing fists and insults, pulling hair.
Eren fell silent beside him, the selfish bastard allowing Jean a moment to collect himself, to pretend like everything was okay.
“You can’t keep doing this,” Eren spoke once more, breaking the silence, “You need to wake up soon.” His words were a reminder, but his hand ghosted over Jeans, the honey-brown-eyed man feeling a shiver run up his spine, the icy hand on his own a stark reminder of Erens death.
Jean clenched his eyes tighter, taking a breathless inhale of air, trying to forget those warm hands that used to clench his shirt, break his nose, always something so warm and alive.
“But if I do,” Jean gritted out, feeling the uncomfortable sting of tears, “I won’t see you.” He forced the words like venom, shoulders hunching as he glared, finally opening his eyes, eyes glancing upwards at the broken hazy blue tree ahead.
Hands took his own, cold over his warm, like water over his burning heart, “Yeah,” Eren whispered, “But everyone else is still alive.” He reminded him, thumb gently tracing the wrinkles on the back of Jean's hand.
Jean felt his shoulders shake, hating that the love he felt for Eren was far too late, “They aren’t you.” He whispered, their voices an echo to the sandy terrain around. The words hung heavy, Jean's eyes stared ahead, unable to even look into Erens eyes. Already knowing he’d get lost in the splashes of green, grey, and blue.
“Do you remember what I asked of you?” Eren questioned, Jean could see the man facing ahead in the corner of his eyes, likely also too afraid to look over at Jean. A younger him would’ve felt pride at the sight, but now he wasn’t sure what to think.
“To take care of everyone,” Jean whispered, his voice a broken rasp, “It’s too much, Eren.” Jean choked out, wanting to cover his ears, to block out what he’d all heard after the Rumbling. “You hurt so many people, and we’re still picking up the pieces.” He forced out the words, so gentle but bitter, so hurt and scared.
Eren was silent beside him, the hand on his tightening for the briefest moment, allowing Jean the chance to see as the walls of Eren Jaeger cracked. Fearful of repeating the cycle of dropping the conversation, allowing those cracks to be repaired and the walls to strengthen, he continued to push.
“You’re selfish!” Jean bit out, “Damnit, Eren!” Jean hurled around to face Eren, looking into those vibrant chaotic eyes, then searching Erens face for something that felt human instead of quiet defeat. “Everyone needs you, and you just let me...” Jean trailed off for a moment, throat closing, “Us,” He corrected, voice pained, “You left all of us.”
Eren looked choked, mouth opening and closing like a fish as he processed Jean's outburst, but Jean wouldn’t allow him that moment, not after how cruel Eren had been, “And now we all have to live without you, every goddamn day.”
Erens eyes wavered, hands clenching into the sand below as he attempted to scowl, “I-” Eren attempted to speak, but Jean cut him off, “No, no. I’m not allowing you to be some fucking hero, no.”
Those words were spat out, Jean quick to pull himself to his feet, Eren on his feet only a fraction of a second later, the two men staring one another down as fire filled their chests. A mournful recreation of what they’d been, could’ve continued to be.
“Jean,” Eren stressed out again, “No!” Jean shouted, “You committed genocide then fucked off and died, do you know how unfair that is!?” Jean shoved a finger against Erens chest, staring down, the highlight of the blue from the tree ahead illuminated their anguished faces.
Jean stared into those bright eyes, remembering why he would always be the one to throw the first punch, always wanting to wipe that pretentious and sacrificial look off the man's face, but now it felt so useless to do.
Silence stretched, Eren did not speak as he must’ve figured that Jean would cut him off, and Jean was too upset to truly vocalize every feeling he had.
Then, without warning, Jean leaned forward, watching as Erens eyes shut in an acceptance of Jean's anger. Instead of bashing his fist into that pretty button nose, he grabbed Eren by the back of his head and forced the other to rest his face on Jean's shoulder, arms wrapping around Erens slender body.
The cold of Eren gave Jean a chill up the spine, but he persisted as he held Eren closer, eyes forced shut as he took a shaky sobbed breath, “I love you,” Jean whispered, feeling those tears finally slip down his face, “I hate you.” he gasped out.
A quiet laugh, thick with bitterness and sadness, “Isn’t that a contradiction?” Eren tried to snark out, but it wobbled by the end, “Shut up,” Jean instead said, “Just shut up, for once.”
There was a long pause before Jean shut his eyes, only to open them to the warm ambient yellow of his room, the sun gently shining in from the cracks of his blinds, highlighting the emptiness of the bed beside him. Silence stretched, painful that left Jean yearning for that following night when he’d see Eren once more.
Whether it be another fight or quiet silence, he couldn’t help the burst of a complicated mixture of feelings that made his heart heavy.