Chapter Text
The last thing I remembered was the soreness in my body from last night’s concert seeping away as the hotel bed pulled me slowly into sleep. It was just dark and cold and dreamless like my mind was a computer that had completely shut down. After months of rigorous planning and rehearsals, I intentionally did not set my alarm on in hopes that I could finally oversleep on our supposed day off. Yet, the annoying high-pitched ringing and vibration from my phone woke me up rudely and the first thing that I noticed was the stench. It smelled like smoke and wet garbage. Then there was the noise of people chattering and arguing about that had me panicking knowing I had the room only to myself. The voices did not sound familiar, either. When I rolled to my side, the split-second of fear from almost falling off the bed jolted me awake.
I had no idea where I was. The confusion set in quickly as I roamed my eyes around the small room. There were dark stains on the plywood ceiling and there were cracks and bubbling on the blue-painted concrete walls. The mattress on the bed looked thin and old, and on the opposite end was a small desk with a laptop that I was sure I didn’t own. But when I took a closer look, it had stickers that were my style with one that even had my name on. There was a small picture frame right next to it with a photo of me and my family that I have not seen before. I looked out of the jalousie window and another unfamiliar sight came into view. I learned that I was in some congested area where houses were too close for comfort. There was an overfilled trash can down below and there were people shouting at one another about god-knows-what. It took a while for me to realize that the alarm still continued ringing from a phone I also do not recognize. It looked old and worn out and had scratches on its screen and surface. I couldn’t help myself from frowning after seeing the time - it was just six in the morning. A picture of a quote from my favorite novel was used as the wallpaper and I managed to access it by typing our very first landline number which I often used as a passcode. Strange, I thought.
I started wondering if I was just getting pranked like an elaborate way too late or way too early April Fool’s joke. I searched through the phone contacts and I saw some of my relative’s names and some people I knew from childhood. Several names, however, did not ring any bells. I tried opening some of my social media accounts but I could no longer access a single thing. Apparently, the accounts I knew did not exist.
It was then that I started to feel a discomfort in my stomach and my chest was pounding. Something was extremely wrong. If it were all just a joke, it was a really bad one.
The ridiculous idea that I had been kidnapped crossed my mind and I tried googling my artist name just to check if I was reported missing but nothing came up. That can’t be right, I thought.
The discomfort was growing and I tried so hard to make sense of it all. Perhaps Pablo was just a way too common name, I rationalized so I added the name of our group ‘SB19’ and I felt immediately nauseous when that, too, resulted in nothing. In fact, the search engine did not even seem to know what that 4-character name is and it was like SB19 did not even exist.
Is this a nightmare?
I shut my eyes again and tried to force myself to wake up.
But I was already wide awake. I quickly turned the front cam of the phone worried of who would stare back at me but I was relieved to see my own face. At least, I was still me. I just didn’t recognize everything else.
I was biting my nails while I listened to the ringing on the other line after I dialed my mother’s number as I stared at the framed photo on the desk. Part of me was still hopeful seeing that she still looked the same as she did yesterday, but part of me was scared that a completely different person would answer my call. I was nervous, and the seconds that passed by were excruciating. When she finally picked up, I was tearing up when I heard my mother’s voice.
“Ba’t napatawag ka? May problema ba?” she asked.
“Ma, di ‘ko alam kung nasaan ako,” I told her.
There was a pause on the other line and I realized it sounded like I was in imminent danger when that did not seem to be the case. “Ha? Di ka ba nakauwi kagabi sa boarding house?” she finally asked and the concern in her voice had me regretting what I said.
But I didn’t know what else to say and I was even more confused with her question. “Boarding house? Kaninong boarding house?”
I heard her amused laughter on the other end. “Edi sa’yo! Pau, nakainom ka ba ‘nak?”
“Hindi naman kami nag-inom kagabi eh, pagod na rin pagkatapos ng concert,” I said defensively. I might have had a sip of champagne, sure, but nothing more than a quarter of a glass.
“Concert? Nanood ka ng concert kagabi?” She asked, sounding genuinely surprised, and I felt like a black hole was growing in the pit of my stomach.
“Ma, andun ka ah. Concert namin?”
She laughed again. “Tulog ka pa ata, Pau. Anong concert nyo?”
I was scared. I wanted to think she was just messing with me but I knew that she wasn’t. In fact, there was a tinge of worry in her tone. But I had to ask anyway. “Concert ng SB19?”
“Ng ano?”
“SB19, Ma,” I repeated.
It took her a moment to respond and I winced from the pain from biting too much of my nail. “Ano yan? Singer ba yan? Kpop?” she asked.
My heart sank a hundred feet deep. I shook my head and my hand was beginning to shake just as my voice was starting to quiver. My face was already getting damp. “Ma, please sabihin mong ginugood time mo lang ako.”
“Ikaw Paulo, ikaw yata nanloloko sakin eh,” she said, and I could tell she was being sincere. Afterall, my mother wasn’t the type to make such jokes.
I was getting extremely dizzy that I had to sit back down on the bed. I wanted to throw up. “Ma, anong trabaho ko?” I asked, even when I was afraid to hear the answer.
“Edi dun sa call center. Ano na nga pangalan nung kumpanya nyo?”
I froze. I caught sight of a calendar hanging by the door and I did not know what I was hoping to see but I felt devastated to read the year to be 2024. I was in the present and yet, it seemed like I was no longer Pablo. I was just Paulo.
I tried to compose myself as fast as I could despite the tightness in my chest. “O-ok, thank you, Ma.” As soon as I put the phone down, I was gasping for air and my head felt both heavy and light. My hands have turned cold and my heart was speeding up like crazy like it was rushing me to my end. I was having a panic attack.
It lasted for just around ten minutes but it was one of the toughest ten minutes I had to endure. I had become a trembling, frightened, retching mess filled with questions and uncertainties, and feeling like I was losing all control of my own reality. I lay in bed with my hand firmly against my chest, trying to pacify my erratic heartbeats. When I found the strength to get up again, I paced around the small room taking slow, deep breaths. I hated how my body was reacting but I hated the influx of my unpleasant thoughts even more.
Was this a nightmare or was SB19 just a dream?
If it were the former, then I needed to wake up. But if it were the latter, then all those years of my tears and sweat that led up to finally having a taste of success were nothing more than just figments created likely by my own desperation. How cruel.
A couple more breaths later, I was holding on to the hope that maybe it was really just an elaborate prank. Maybe they’re all just laughing at me right now and I would get mad but I’d laugh with them, too, because the alternative was not something I could accept. There was no way I’m living a life where I was not fighting for my dreams. Maybe it was denial, but once the trembling stopped, I quickly cleaned myself up and I was on my way to our office – the one I built with SB19.
The wallet I found had my IDs inside – or at least IDs with my name, picture, and other information. There was another one which I assumed was from the supposed company I work in. There wasn’t much money and I felt like I was in 2016 all over again. But my mind was only concerned with one thing that I couldn’t even spare a moment to consider the financial situation I was in. I hopped on the first motorcycle I managed to hire on the street and offered much more than I should just so the driver would take me to 1Z building as fast as he could.
He zoomed through the morning traffic, but his speed was no match to my nervous heartbeat. I was hoping and praying and begging for the best while I try to evade the worst possibilities in my head. It was still early but maybe somebody had already come in. And if it were still locked, I was willing to wait outside until somebody arrives even if that would take an entire day. I just need one person to tell me I’ve been pranked. Heck, even a stalker to yell my name and recognize me as Pablo would be a relief.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit.” I was starting to panic again when the motorcycle took its turn on the familiar street where our building would be.
“Sir, okay lang ho kayo?” the driver asked.
“Ayos lang, boss,” I lied. I was far from being okay. I could feel his hesitation as he made his stop on the address that I gave him. But I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. ”S-sa tabi nalang boss.”
I probably looked stupid but I got off anyway. Everything else looked pretty much the same except for one thing: there was no 1Z building. In its place was a vacant lot with a wooden sign that said ‘For Lease’. There were no remnants that would indicate that a building used to have been there and it was occupied only by untrimmed weeds and stray cats. I felt my energy drain out of me and I dropped to the ground, sitting motionless as I stared at our nonexistent office. The company that was a product of our aspirations, that I have worked hard for, that I have built with the four most valuable people in my life was gone. I buried my face in my hands as I bawled my eyes out. I was aware of the people passing by me, and they were probably staring at me like I was crazy but I didn’t care. The pain I felt was too much. What I lost wasn’t just a tall concrete box; It was my life that I had lost.
I had no idea if I was there for minutes or hours. Nothing really mattered, not even the passage of time. I couldn’t even remember if it was the police or some security personnel who asked me to leave. It was like a haze and I just knew I somehow managed to get up. My vision was as blurry as my mind and I let my feet lead the way. I could see shadows of moving cars and passing people in my periphery, but it was like I was under water and all the sounds were muffled into a garbled noise. And all of a sudden, I snapped back into my senses when I felt my body hit the concrete and a cacophony of screams and honks surrounded me.